On being home so far..

Home so far has pretty much been a roller-coaster ride.

Got in on Saturday morning, and was greeted by the family. Had a midnight snack then headed back home to shower and unpack. By the time my head hit the pillow, I was pretty sure it was about 3 in the morning.
Saturday morning, my aunt came over with my cousins. Then later that day there was the youth gathering thing at Uncle Melvin's house. That brought about a wave of insecurity of which I am gradually recovering from because I didn't really feel like I belonged anywhere anymore.

Sunday morning I went to Church at the Chinatown building for the first time. After that we had a rather short rehearsal for the special item for the carolling on Christmas Eve. Then went to SRC with Crystal and her sister to meet our parents for lunch. Then we decided to watch Pride and Prejudice after that. It was a good movie, or should I say I really liked the story line. But after watching all the intimate details on the 6-hour version, I couldn't help feeling a little cheated by the movie version. Then went to dinner with the grandparents later that evening.

Went back to TK on Monday with Bernice and Oi Fong. As much as I hate to be the discourager, TK's standard has really dropped by a lot. I was torn between cracking up and feeling disappointed when I saw the banner hanging outside TK. It's the season when Secondary schools are hanging out their banners with their achievements to attract prospective students, and the banner that TK hung out displayed our achievements of my SYF batch. Best concert band, best choir, String Ensemble, Malay dance and drama club golds, among other achievements. And these were achievements from 4 years ago. Sigh..
Then went to meet Shu Juan for Katong Laksa lunch. Good time of catching up with the past and roaming around Parkway being tourists. We took pictures of the Christmas display outside Parkway and I posted it on Facebook. Amy Ramirez cracked up at the pictures of us being in Winter Wonderland, but were still in a tank top and shorts. I guess the irony of that never really occured to me, but now that she mentioned it, it is pretty funny.
After that I headed back to TK and pretty much spent the rest of the day there with Oi Fong. I feel bad for her because she told me she would leave when I leave but I wanted to catch up with Ms Sia a little before I left, and I could tell Oi Fong was getting bored of sitting there listening, considering the fact that we are going to hear them in concert on Thursday. But it was really nice of her to stick around with me. Talked to Ms Sia a little about life there, and I found out that she's visited IU a couple of times and has been to the Fox factory in Indiana. She told me that if I wanted to buy a bassoon, I can order through Band World and get it at the dealer's price but just pick it up direct from the Fox factory.

Tuesday went to meet Sam for a bit. Caught up with him a little but it was mainly just awkward. Then went to meet Lee Mei at PS after that. Walked around for a while, then did some last minute Christmas shopping for the family. Then the people doing the special item for the carolling came over to rehearse again that night.

Wednesday to Friday was at Sunway Lagoon with the family. It was nice to be able to spend time with them without the busyness of school or having to think about meeting people. A lot of alone time spent as well, which was really good for reflecting on stuff.

Got a surprise SMS from Elroy on Saturday asking if I can meet him so that he can pass me my Christmas present because he just booked out. It was nice to see him again after so long, and talking and catching up. And though the Christmas present was nothing extravagant, it really is the thought that counts, so thanks kor.
Carolling practise again after that, for the final one. A bit of disappointment with people not showing up but I guess after working with ISA, I've gotten used to people being that way. But that night's carolling was really satisfying, at least to me. Or perhaps because of the disappointments from the whole year, this little bit of accomplishment was really sweet. Catching up with April a little that night was good too.

Did our special item at Church on Sunday. By we, I mean my brother, sister and myself. I guess it's special because it's a sibling effort for the first time, as Uncle Zainal had said. Maybe next time we'd have the opportunity to do it again.
Went to harbour front after Church that day. Walked around for a little in an attempt to get Kevin's birthday present and also to kill time before John and Paul called for my brother to go watch a movie with them. Eventually we gave up trying to kill time and decided to go over to Crystal's house instead. The guys went home and I got to catch up with the girls a little over the short period of time.
Went to Kevin's house later that night for his annual Christmas/birthday party. Got to talk to April till midnight again, and that was really good. She knocked some sense into me about certain stuff.

Yesterday went to hang out in Tampines with Jeraldine and Shu Juan. Good time of girls talk and complaining and dissecting and reminiscing. We managed to plan a semi-December Friends outing, as well as convince people to meet up.

Went to Downtown East today. I didn't want to go at first because I was afraid going there will bring back too much memories that I will break down once again. But my arm was itching to bowl, so I gave in. It didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would.
Then went over to my cousin's house for a bit before going to April's for dinner. I'm still so amused by the fact that my "accountability partner" and my cousin are neighbours. Anyhow, it was good to see them all; my cousin, grandma, April and Ben. And talking to April till midnight is starting to become a rather strange habit. Which I don't actually mind having.

So, that has been my Christmas break so far. I'll update again once more has happened. Till then, good night!

Ok, latest update..

Ok, latest update..

Anyone from the MJC Arts Fac who knows both me and Elsa, we are having a gathering on Saturday night, New Year's Eve. It will be steamboat dinner at Elsa's house. Please come. I'd love to see you before I take off again for another year. Any questions, please direct them to either me or Elsa. Thanks, and I hope to see you guys there.

Mass outing

This is a random appeal to people who belong in either groups for me to meet up with you guys! If you aren't free on either days, please e-mail or SMS or call my house to arrange for me to meet up with you another time k

L1R6 Dinner together the day after New Year? Or if lunch would be a better option, let me know!

MJC People from the Arts fac whom I know; anyone at all who knows me, New Year's eve lunch?

Please leave me a tag to let me know what works best ok, even if we can't all meet on the same day. And spread the word! Thanks!

Gotta keep singing..

The past 3 days have been a crazy roller-coaster ride. Here's just a few thoughts that I wrote down because of a lack of technology. It's probably going to become a part of my "end of year reflection series". Some parts have been filtered out into my private thoughts journal though, and the MercyMe lyrics aren't there just randomly, they happened to be the songs that were playing on my mp3 player while I was writing and it kind of fit my trend of thought.

I think the reason behind why I want to graduate early is because after graduating I can finally settle down somewhere to work and live for a while. Right now I still feel like I'm in transition and I just want to get out of my transition phase.

In the Blink of an Eye
You put me here for a reason
You have a mission for me
You knew my name and You called it
Long before I learned to breathe

Sometimes I feel disappointed
By the way I spend my time
How can I further Your kingdom
When I'm so wrapped up in mine

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

And though I'm living a good life
Can my life be something great?
I have to answer the question
Before it's too late

Cause in a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

If I give the very best of me
That becomes my legacy
So tell me what am I waiting for?
What am I waiting for?

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

There are some people who are sometimes too eager to jump in and do what they feel they are called to do. They drop everything else right away and just jump right into it. There's a difference between being radical and being rash. There are already 2 people whom I know who seem to be that way, a third that I'm trying to decide if they are that way too, or is it just a personal bias. (Once again, I'm using "they" for anonymity reasons) One of the 2 above has already jumped in totally with the rashness and it has been proven that the "nudging" they felt was wrong. The other always seems to be making rash decisions that hurt the people they are closest to and upset a ton of other people.

I couldn't help wondering if I'm that way too. I mean, I know that I've felt the nudging about China, but until now I haven't really done anything, which would probably mean that I'm not as rash. But is that because the circumstances I am in now limit the options I have on rash decisions or is it because I am afraid, or is it really because I'm not rash?

Homesick
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

I don't even know where I'm homesick for now. The place where I'm in now doesn't really feel like home anymore. So maybe coming back this time was really a mistake. Or not.
There definitely were some loose ends to tie up and I'm glad some of those have been taken care of. Of course, this meant that there were more issues that I will have to deal with myself since taking care of loose ends almost definitely mean opening up some old wounds.

Caught up in the Middle
I've found a place
Where I can finally be a part of the story
I've been embraced
By the wonderful arms of glory
There is nowhere else I'd rather be

I believe Your spirit is alive and on the move
Oh I want to be caught up in the middle of You
I wanna be a part of what I know you're gonna do
Oh I wanna be caught up in the middle of You

I finally see
The very reason for my existance
I am complete
When I'm standing within Your presence
And now I know where I'm supposed to be

I believe Your spirit is alive and on the move
Oh I want to be caught up in the middle of You
I wanna be a part of what I know you're gonna do
Oh I wanna be caught up in the middle of You

You have called me all along
This is right where I belong
Caught up in You
Caught up in You

I believe Your spirit is alive and on the move
Oh I want to be caught up in the middle of You
I wanna be a part of what I know you're gonna do
Oh I wanna be caught up in the middle of You

Caught up in the middle
Caught up

There will be more to come, I think. This is all for now, but I leave you with one last song.

Keep Singing
Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

I'M BACK!!!

I'M BACK!!

Ok, now you know.
I left my phone on the other side of the earth so it will take a while before I get another number and stuff set up. So in the meantime, if you want to contact me, call me at home or leave me a tag or e-mail!

I'm going home!!

I'm going home!!

Yup, this is true. I'm starting the long journey home in about 4 hours. It's been an interesting day, an interesting year, and I'm looking forward to having a closure at last.

Well, this entry is just to explain my absence from MSN, AIM and Yahoo for the next 40+ hours or so.

To all the AU folks, have a blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year! I'll see you guys next year!

Sorry, I'd like to say more, but I need to log out and put my computer away soon. So, keep checking this space!

Quick update and then it's time for bed..

Quick update and then it's time for bed..

Finals officially start tomorrow and I'm officially declaring myself ill tonight.

Funny how my finals allergies are back. Haven't had them in a while. Yes I am allergic to finals. I don't really know if that can be scientifically proven, but all through Sec school, I've noticed that I start getting ill around finals. It's weird, but I'm weird, so I guess it kind of balances out and becomes normal.

Anyhows..
Here's a quick run-down of this week:
Tomorrow (or should it be later today since it is past midnight):
8am Work at HR
9.30 Turn in Church Music term paper and short meeting with Dr Wright
10.30-ish Painting the campus red because I have nothing better to do other than study for Music Lit, practise for conducting, helping Allison with her 24-hour piece and stopping by the CRC to say hi to people and get Scott's signature on my I20.
3.00 Work at HR
6.15 Club social at Scott's

Tuesday:
7.40 Musical Acoustics Final
9.30 Work at HR
11.40 Music Lit Final
1.30 Meeting with Melissa
3.20 Conducting Final
5-ish Painting the campus red for real this time because all that's left to do pack then the Theory and Aural Comp hearing final
The rest of the night will be spent cleaning and packing.

Wednesday:
8.00 Work
9.15 Theory Final
Aural Comp Final (can't remember the time)
And then I'm free!!!
Hopefully I get done packing and doing laundry and other stuff in time so that I get to go over and hang out at Fair Commons!!

Thursday!
6am Leave for IND airport!
Singapore, here I come!!

It's been a while now

It's been a while since the last time I actually updated and not just had some random thoughts and little bits of what's been happening in my life. So I just thought I'd take some time today to update not just on the physical going ons but also on some stuff that I've been thinking about and other random bits and pieces of my thought process.

I guess the last time I talked here as sane human being and not just as a form of proving my existence was about 2 months ago. Stuff has been going on. Ups and downs as usual (ain't that what life is all about?) but it's pretty much been on the upside for a while now. Or should I say, I've been maintaining a relatively positive outlook on life for a while now. I guess that's kind of why my relationships with others are turning out a little better. Still not the best it can be, but I guess that can happen over a while.

A lot has happened since the last time I updated and unpacked.
I finally broke down and realised that I can't keep pushing myself to keep busy so as to maintain the numbness so that I don't think about everything else that is causing the hurts. My deteriorating relationship with God caused a certain emptiness that nothing else seemed to be able to fill. And for the longest time, I acknowleded that emptiness, but did not realise that it can only be filled by God Himself, and it wasn't stolen from me when the break-up happened.

And of course, there was the hurting from the break-up that I tried to push away because I felt like if I sat around and moped, that would be a sign of weakness. I guess that all boils down to what Melissa has been trying to teach me about misogyny. I just need to embrace being a woman and the beauty of being a woman and that it's ok to be dependent, not because I'm allowed to be weak and all, but because it is in weakness that we truly embrace God's mercy and love for us. And it is in community that we learn what it really means to love. We cannot expect to keep giving without receiving but that is not to say that we expect to receive something in return everytime we give.

Things with the roommate are kind of stagnent now. I don't know if I've even talked about the issue here so maybe I'll back up a little. We weren't exactly the best match for roommates right from the beginning, I guess. It was kind of awkward because we've kind of known each other for a while, but we never really talked very much. And of course, it's different between being friends and being roommates. We've had occassions last year when we talked about life and stuff, but I guess it was more of the client relationship again (the counsellor and the client type of thing) so it was awkward rooming this year. I tried to make the best out of it, but I guess the problem was that whenever we had issues, we just shoved everything under the carpet and didn't talk about it because neither of us had the time or the energy to talk things out. I didn't like the way she needed attention all the time, and she didn't like the way I didn't care about what I wore to class every morning. I didn't care about make-up and shoes and clothes and manicures, and she didn't like the way I could eat whatever I want and still look ok (even though I have to admit I really do need to work out right now, just to keep fit). I didn't like the way she talks and laughs to everyone and pretty much draws attention to herself, then comes back to the room and complains about how much she doesn't like this person or that person, and she didn't like the way I would snooze my alarm a guhzillion times before I actually got out of bed because it woke her up. I'll be fair and say that would annoy me too if I was a light sleeper, but my 2 roommates before her (namely my sis and Cassie) have never had issues with that. And I'm not saying this gives me the right to just keep doing that, but the issue here is that we just never got to talk these things out. And I definitely do not appreciate the fact that she keeps trying to force me to make decisions about things that I really don't care for, and don't see the need to make a decision about. Like (this was some time ago) the day before her recital, she asked me to help her pick out what to wear. And anyone who knows me knows that I really don't care about what I wear as long as I'm warm/cool enough for the weather and I feel comfortable. So she holds out 2 almost identical black coats and asks me to pick which one looks better. I'm like, I don't even see the need to have 2 almost identical coats. And then she decides that I need to spend more time picking out my clothes, and that I should get lessons from her on what to eat so that I can gain weight. And I've told her before that I've tried my whole life to gain weight just to please people that now I just don't care about it that much anymore. I want to gain weight to be healthy, and I think I'm pretty healthy right now. I just want to do something for myself, rather than for the comment that "oh you look plumper than the last time I saw you. Good for you!" I mean, that would be nice, but I don't want to do it to please her so that she has a better self-esteem without constantly thinking that she's fat, when she's really not. And her constantly looking at herself in the mirror thinking that she has gained weight in a certain area here or there. Or constantly checking other girls out and always thinking that they have lost weight when really, they haven't. I just don't see the point in that. And talking about stupid decisions I have to make to please her, she asked me the other night to decide which prof I thought was older. I made a random guess and said something like, well, he looks older because of this, and he (the other prof) looks better because of that and she wasn't satisfied with that answer. And she kept pushing me until I told her I had a paper to work on. But she still kept pushing it so I just ignored her.
Over Thanksgiving break, I was this close to just give up trying to make this work and just move in with Danielle instead since she's having roommate issues as well. But I know I shouldn't just quit when the going gets rough, so I'm going to stick it out for another semester. Just yesterday I was talking to Debby about this and I realised that our main problem is that she needs constant attention but the only time I'm in the room and we're alone is when I'm really tired and just need to get work done and go to bed. (Which is why I haven't been very efficient with my IM-ing) But she just needs attention all the time, so she does really random stuff to get the attention. And I just can't care less. Debby reminded me of last year at Orientation, right away I got the vibes that I was going to have to try very hard to get along with her. From the time we went to Indy and how she randomly said stuff that were just weird. I would really appreciate prayer for this, and that I would be able to work things out with her. At least my issues with Cassie last year only started towards the end of the school year so it was ok.

Whoa that was a pretty long paragraph. Moving on.
I've learnt to appreciate stuff and people in my life more I guess. And at the same time, I guess I've reached a point in life where I truly realise that people are going to keep coming in and out of my life. And as much as I wish to hold on to the past, it's never going to return. Which brings me to my point about why I'm kind of nervous about going home this time. I know home will always be home, but things change, people change. I can never really feel like I'm home anymore, but I'm more like a visitor. I almost want to laugh when I think about last year and how I was so certain I was going to go home after I'm done with school here. And I think the best part of it all is that at this point, I know for sure that I'm not thinking about not going home because I'm running away from things at home but because I'm uncertain about where God wants me to be. I have a feeling that in spite of my reluctance to adapt to change, being here has taught me a lot and perhaps shaped me to be able to adapt to the inconsistencies of life. The thought that I may not be able to stay in one same place, or even one same country for the rest of my life can be pretty scary, but I think I can choose to see it as exciting rather that scary. Even if that means moving all around the world, I think I can slowly see myself changing to adapt to that.
I know people are uncomfortable with the fact that I talk about not going home as if that is going to be a certainty. But nothing in life is constant except change, and of course, God. The Church at home is going through so much change, so maybe by the time I'm done with my time here, there may actually be something I can do at home. I don't even know how long I'm going to stay here after graduating. So in the mean time I'll just live for the moment.

So that's my story. I'll try to be more consistent about updating here so that it won't happen so much in chunks, but more in bits and pieces of the everyday thought process.

And now I'm off to bed.

Edit: One thing I forgot to add here is that Sam and I have started talking again. (Sam if you're reading this, I know you didn't use to appreciate my talking about you here, and I don't know if this has changed. But I'm doing this so people know what's been going on and that we don't actually hate each other) We, or at least I am (I haven't really got to find out what's his stand) are trying to work on the awkwardness so we're probably going to meet up at Christmas to talk things out and hopefully things will turn out well. Keep us in prayer.

Gone for a while..

Gone for a while..

Leaving for Breckenridge, MI tomorrow at 2.30pm so I won't be updating for a while, till we get back on Sunday. Here's an update on life recently and I'll add a rough schedule of life in the next couple of weeks.

Last 2 weeks or so, been really busy with performances and stuff, so I haven't really had much time to update on what I've been up to, other than the occassional passing thoughts. Class is going ok, except for Musical Acoustics, which I still dislike. Really burned out though, so I'm glad break starts tomorrow.
Relationships-wise, I've been spending some quality time with people whom I haven't caught up with in a while so it's been good. Laura, Patricia, Crystal, and a lot of time at FC playing table-tennis with the "Lost" crowd. (This probably does not make a lot of sense unless you are one of us) Have also been trying to clear some things out with some people, and I'm glad it's been going rather smoothly so far. I'm not saying there haven't been times I've got upset over those matters; what conflict resolution does not require some form of emotional ups and downs? But it's been going well I guess because we've matured over time and are more calm in handling situations?
Been eating well, though not sleeping very well but I'll catch up with this over the break. Haven't been working out very much, save for the table tennis nights at FC which doesn't really count for much anyway. Not a good thing.
Been reading the book of Psalms for the first time. Never realised how inspirational it really is until the past couple of weeks. It's been very helpful through the ups and downs of the past couple of weeks.

Now for the outlook..
tomorrow (or should it be later today): loading up Danielle's car at 8.30 then going over to the library for the interview with Trish Janutolo. Hopefully I'll get the job there next semester. Then classes then we leave for MI at 2.30
Not really sure what happens over the next couple of days till Sunday. It will depend on the Rhynards.
Sunday night: choral rehearsal for Candles and Carols at 8pm
Monday: AUCME meeting, Tech rehearsal for Candles and Carols
Tuesday: International Chapel
Thursday: GSR, Candles and Carols dress rehearsal
Friday: Candles and Carols
Saturday: Campus wide roommate dates (I'm thinking of going with a big group of internationals just for the fun of it, and there won't be pressure on anyone as if it was a date)
Sunday: Possibly going to see Rent with Rhyse and a bunch of other people.
Friday after that: Juries
Monday: Finals week
Thursday: Leave for Indianapolis airport. Home sweet home!!

Wow, I just realised how soon everything is. Well, it's off to bed for now. See you in a week.

Maybe I'm dumb..

I don't quite get it. Maybe I'm dumb, but why can't I just do things because I'm passionate about what I do, and not for any form of profit?

Is there anything wrong with that? Maybe it's because I'm too soft that's why it doesn't matter when I don't get paid for what I do, or don't get any incentive to do what I do. But my incentive doesn't come in monetary amounts. My incentive comes from the satisfaction that someone else is a little happier now. Is it foolish to think that way? I really don't know. I mean, after all, if that's what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, I might as well start now, right? And I'm happy this way. Perhaps it's because I don't face the financial matters myself that I don't see why money is so important. I don't know.

What I really do want to do now, is to just retreat to a little island somewhere. Get to know the folks who've lived there all their lives, live simply, love deeply and just appreciate the beauty that God has created. I know it's going to happen someday, but for now I just have to work towards making this dream possible.

Gone for the weekend..

Gone for the weekend..

Alright folks, here's the schedule for this weekend:
Today:
1pm - Wind Ensemble leaves for Brazil, IN
6pm - concert at Brazil First United Methodist Church

Tomorrow:
8am - Woodwind quintet rehearsal for morning Service
9am - service
12noon - depart for Anderson
3pm - Kelly Thomas' senior recital
4pm - Women's Chorus leaves for Anderson Fine Arts Center
5.30pm - Women's Chorus, Men's Chorus, Woodwind quintet and Brass quintet concert.
7.30-ish - Major homework time.

See you late tomorrow night, or the next time I find energy to update.

Update

I realised I haven't updated here in a while, so here's what's going to be happening over the next couple of weeks or so.

Tomorrow: classes till 4, practise till dinner at 5, trick-or-treaters come at 6, AUCME at 7, practise till Agathos at 9.
Tuesday: Classes till 4.30, practise till dinner at 6, nothing till rehearsal at Kelvin's/Fine Arts at 10.
Wednesday: Classes till 4, practise till dinner at 5.15, rehearsal for dinner at 6, homework
Thursday: classes till 5.30, rehearsal at Church
Friday: Classes and work till 5, then preparations for international dinner
Saturday: Preparations for International dinner.
Sunday: Church + rest + homework + shopping for Wind Ensemble attire
Monday, Tuesday: nothing yet
Wednesday: Wind Ensemble dress rehearsal for concert
Thursday: Wind Ensemble concert at Reardon
Friday: nothing yet
Saturday: Leave for Church performance with Wind Ensemble
Sunday:Church performance with Wind Ensemble till 3-4-ish. Women's Chorus concert at 5.

Another 2 weeks in the life of a crazy music major.

Oh, I forgot..

Oh, I forgot..

I forgot to mention that those of you who have been seeing "the shrink" may be disappointed. "The shrink" is out and no longer dispensing doses of advise because the supply is running low and will no longer be in stock because they really are useless. "The shrink" will also be off duty for a while, but if you just want someone to hang out with and not talk about serious stuff that needs advising, there's always Jael to talk to.


This will hopefully be a start to "being" instead of "doing"

Another week.. or is it month?

I was going to start this entry with, "another week has gone by" and then I realised it's actually another month. Time seems to fly. Although it doesn't seem to fly fast enough for Christmas to get here.

Been going through a lot emotionally of late, just that I've been trying not to talk about it, so only a few people know. The strains of the breakup is really wearing me down. 1.5 years may not really be long, compared to a lifetime, but it's long enough to cause a lot of heartbreak and memories that would just be easier if they were forgotten. I thought we could just jump right back at being friends again, but life is never that simple.

Got an email from my mum today. There have been many times that I grumble about my mum and even with relationship issues, I've never really talked to my mum about them because I just don't know how to bring it up. So when I got the email today, the tears just flowed.
Mum I know you will always be wiser, but sometimes I just want to be stubborn and I just want to fall so that I know what it really means to hurt. I've made many mistakes in my life, but I thank you for always telling me it's ok, and I can just stand up and try again. I haven't always been good at communicating and because of that it's easy for us to have misunderstandings. I'm sorry. Melissa told me that I have to tell the stories of how I've got hurt so that people will know why I react the way I do to some things, but I always feel that people will never have the time to hear me out. Maybe it's because of that hurt, I've learnt unintentionally that all I can be is a trash can where people unload their junk on, and when they are done unloading their problems, they leave them outside for others to do something about. Yes, that story that happened between primary 5 and 6 was never told because I didn't want to make anyone feel bad. I've forgiven but it's hard to forget, and the scars seem to always be there. My best friend in P3 and P4 decided that because she was a prefect and all, she was too good for me, and she started hanging out with the other goody-2-shoes, but everytime she had a problem, she will come to me with her tears and I will sit and listen, not knowing what to say. And when she's done, she thanks me and then leaves. I really have forgiven her for that, but it's just hard to unlearn the fact that I'm not a trashcan waiting to be used by people, then tossed aside when no longer needed. It's hard to truly believe that someone would want to invest their lives and their time in me. Perhaps because of this, when someone nice came along and took an interest in hearing my story, I willingly trusted him. He quickly became a good friend whom I trusted because he was one of my few Christian friends and were willing to spend time helping me grow in the Lord. And as I have quickly learnt, it's hard to draw the line between friendship and really loving someone romantically. I don't think I ever knew what it meant to love someone, because I always thought that by listening to others' problems, and just submitting to everything, I will gain their friendship. When I eventually realised that I was giving more than I was receiving, I started getting self-righteous, which was not right. My role as a Christian is to hide behind the Cross of Christ, allowing Him to work through me, and everything I do should only reflect His glory. But I couldn't resist it, even though it really wasn't me who was doing all that.

In a way, I'm thankful that the breakup has left me so broken. I kept thinking I will recover from it quickly. Not so that I can jump into the next relationship because I really don't think it's the right time. I need to learn what it really means to love and to really get things right with God before anything happens with anyone else, whether romantically or in any other relationships. I've never really had time to grief, and I almost don't want to allow myself the time to grief because I really don't think this should drag on, but perhaps not allowing myself to grief has not been healthy because allowing small bits of grieving every now and then just makes the whole process drag on longer than necessary. I don't deny the fact that I still want to patch things up, or even move on to the next relationship, but I know it is going to be a struggle. Firstly because I myself have not made right with God, and secondly because any relationship I get into now will just be because I'm rebounding. Even if it's with him, I'll just be in it because I cannot handle not being part of a relationship, which isn't healthy at all.

I think probably the hardest part of it all is that I know all these things that I will have to work on myself without others pointing out to me, but yet it's so difficult to find strength to overcome everything. It's going to continue being a struggle, but I will hang in there. I will fight the good fight and run the good race because I know at the end of everything, the victory is in my Daddy's hands. I'm still hurting, but I pray, and I ask for your prayer too, that I will surrender every day of my life to my Father's hands because that's all I need.


You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near



Lord won't You give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.
77 days..

It's been a long week..

I have never been more glad it's Friday. I'm worn out by everything that's been happening.

Putting the performance aspect aside, I just messed up a music class for the first time. I think I'm so going to not get an A for the annoying intro to music lit class. It's so annoying.
I was talking to Melissa about this last night, and we came to a conclusion that this year is probably going to be the most character-buildingly-challenging year for me in terms of developing proper relationships, rather than the somewhat shallow "counselling" friendships that I've had so far. 2 hurts from the past were brought up last night and I'm not really sure it's such a good thing for me to have identified these hurts because now I almost allow myself the excuse to be ok with substandard relationships, giving the excuse that I've been deeply hurt since young.

That aside, club social tonight was great. Sat around for a bit, played some games and mostly just enjoyed each other's company. Still getting to know most of the people, but I think they are mostly a fun bunch. I have to admit, I'm really glad I rushed Agathos because now it gives me an opportunity to get to know the black kids without all the stereotypes. There's more than just that, but I shan't go into too much detail because I'm tired.

So Danielle and I and 2 other girls left the campfire earlier than most others and I went over to Fair Commons to hang out with the girls. I miss them so much. It's really weird not having them around as much anymore. I mean, I love the music people that I've been hanging out so much with, but I miss the difference in the maturity level. Not to say that they music kids are immature, but it's just different.

Today at work, Pauletta had me pull out the applications and the other paperwork for people who had either dropped or decided not to return. It was almost depressing having to pull out Steph's, Sarah Issenman's and Amber's paperwork. Although Amber did say that she was thinking of transferring back.

Speaking of Amber.. Her stories last night, or should it be early this morning, really shocked me about American society. I've seen so much on TV and in books about how overrated sex, drugs and alcohol are in college, but I feel so blessed to be in a community where those are strictly frowned on. Not to say that they don't exist, but they definitely are not as prevalent as they are in state schools. I'm constantly reminded of that conversation I had with an acquaintance from the first 3 months in MJ (I think his name is Leon) and how when he found out that I was going to come here to study, he told me to learn to really throw a good party. I guess at that time it never really occurred to me that I would come so close to all these stuff, but yet still be safe because of the AU environment. And after hearing Amber's stories last night, I really truly feel blessed. So I'm going to quit complaining.

Advocacy and Awareness this semester is amazing. Good coverage of the underground Church, which just made the tugging on my heart even stronger. But yet I'm still not sure if it's just me tugging on my own heart.
And the being vs doing thing is brought up again.

I'm tired. So I'm out of here.

Things I want to do this Christmas

Things I want to do this Christmas..

-bowling
-badminton
-alone time at the beach
-haircut
-pig out on the good food and the chilli
-experiment with cooking
-visit TK

that's all for now

2 weeks..

It's been about 2 weeks since the last update, so here we go again.

First off, labor day picnic.
It was nice to get everyone out on the courtyard playing volleyball. I didn't stay the entire time though because of the dinner with Melissa and Andrew, and BP and Krista. Had to go get food so I could cook. Made a simplified version of the kebabs. Then had council meeting to knock out the final details of the Council Charter and set up the next meeting to work on the activities.
Dinner with everyone that night was great. I had a flu, so I couldn't really taste the food. But the company was better, so it's ok. Had a talking-to session with Melissa after that before going back to floor meeting and homework.

Then classes..
Pretty normal, nothing very special, save for the extra busyness compared with last year. I really like all the classes I'm doing this semester, possibly because they're all music classes, and most of the stuff we're learning now I've already learnt most of it from MEP, so it'e pretty much a breeze.
I'm still trying to decide, though, if it was a very wise decision to be in Wind Ensemble this year. It's giving my morale a beating because pretty much everyone in WE are music majors, and they really sight-read very well, even if they don't have their theory and other stuff figured out. I don't really like the performance aspect of my major. And I really dislike accompanying. And it doesn't help that I'm the only bassoonist, and even though there's Adam and Ryan and the bass clarinet and bari, it's still not the same.
Women's Chorus is great fun as usual, especially after working with Prof Brandon at Church for the kids' musical. I kind of know her now, and she knows my vocal standards and stuff and I'm allowed a lot more flexibility, as in I can switch between sop 2 and alto 1 as I want to.

Work is going ok, save for the fact that between classes and work, I almost don't have time to do very much else in the 8-5pm timeslots. Last week's Rush totally proved that.

AGATHOS!
I'm so glad Rush is over, in the sense that I don't have to stink up the hallway after everything and have to do the extensive clean-up and stuff, but I still kind of wish it was longer. Even though it was really tiring. During the few days of Rush, it was classes, work and practise, then dinner, then Rush then shower and then bed. Barely had time in between for homework, but I still managed to meet all the datelines last week, which was truly amazing. The weekend was crazy though. Friday had classes and work till 5, then had WE retreat, so I missed the Rush activities for that night. WE retreat was till Saturday evening and I had to go straight to Rush from there. We got done with the campfire and everything at about midnight, so by the time I climbed into bed it was about 1.30am. Sunday after Church, there was a picnic, but I couldn't stay long because I had to watch the opera with Gretchen for the music lit class, then go to Joel Westman's senior recital, then come back and finish all the papers. But it was great.

And now, it's off to another crazy week of classes and other stuff.

And Elsa, Happy 19th Birthday girl! I had your card written out and ready to be sent 2 weeks ago, but I just never got down to actually taking it to the mail center. Sorry that it's going to be belated!!

Once a bassoonist..

After a 2 year hiatus,
I can say I'm a bassoonist again.

It felt comfortable
It was great

Updates..

It's been a while since the last update, so I figured I should start updating even if it's just a little even though I'm kind of tired and it IS 11.24 pm now.

First off, here's a peek at my class schedule for this semester..I realised it's kind of small on this page, but I've done so much editing to it that I'm just too lazy to do anymore of it. If you're really interested, click on it and an enlarged version will appear.

So it's going to be a crazy busy semester considering the above schedule does not include my accompanying and practise hours. And I also haven't added in the hours for Council meetings and Agathos meetings (only if Danielle is serious about rushing with me) and AUCME rehearsal sessions. So.. yeah.

Ok, some updates on the past couple of weeks since the day I moved back on campus.

Orientation was.. orientation. Hectic, stressful, but at the same time, fun. At the end of it all, I'm really glad I did it. Because that not only connected me with the freshmen, but it also gave me a better self-esteem that I can actually handle these stuff, and learnt that it's ok to mess up sometimes, and that even though I messed up, it isn't always entirely my fault. But I'm glad it's over, in a way.

Classes.. The whole of last week seemed to be really long, and I really just couldn't wait for this long weekend. I really like all my classes, but I just wish I could get more regular sleeping hours and actually stay awake in class. The classes so far have been really great, and I almost feel like I'm doing my first semester freshman classes again, where I enjoyed everything, or almost everything. Although I have to say, compared with this time last year, I feel a lot more tired than I was last year. That's probably because I didn't get a very proper summer break considering all the classes I was taking and especially being so busy the last couple of weeks of the summer break. But it's been good.

Friends.. Well, the girls on the floor are definitely different from the girls on the floor last year. I really miss those upperclassmen who were really nice to us. (well, put it in another way, I just miss being the baby on the floor. Now we have like 2 juniors and 2 freshmen, and everyone else are sophomores. No more babying) And also, this year there are a lot more people around during open house hours. Yes, I'm just putting it in a very indirect way. But like last year, for one thing, there were less girls on my side. And another thing, most of them were never around since they were sports people. So open house hours last year was just busy because of the traffic flowing in and out of the hallway. But this year.. Oh boy. Let's not even go into that.
Yet at the same time, I'm grateful for a new bunch of people I can hang out with. A new bunch of people who haven't gotten so busy that they don't have time for me, or they don't go home every other weekend. There's Krista and Stacey, who have been around pretty much all summer, so we kind of got to know each other then. Then there's good ole Danielle. And there's Allison, another summer friend, except it was because of IMing. And there's the bunch of music people who have been streamed down to mainly the Church Music and Music Ed people who seem to be in every other class with me. So it's great to kind of know everyone. Interesting..

The RA and the Roommate.. Well, as Joey and I have talked about the other day, Steph really set the standards too high for me last year, so now I kind of expect all my other RAs to live up to her standards. I've known Katie for a while, since we were in Women's Chorus and Theory 2 together last year, WC all year, and Theory 2 2nd semester. But it's weird because she doesn't always talk to me. I guess it's partly because my door is always shut now, because the roommate doesn't like it being open. She almost doesn't like socialising with the girls on the floor, yet she complains that she doesn't know the girls on the floor. Sigh.
Then there's the loft issue. We were supposed to have built the loft today, but we couldn't get a circular saw because someone had borrowed it from Scott, and never returned it. I think she's going to get mad tomorrow because we were really looking forward to getting the loft up this weekend. She's probably going to get mad because I told her I trusted Danielle, but yet we didn't get things done before she got back. Well, here's the other thing. Since last semester, we've been talking about getting a loft so I've been looking around; posters, ravenet, almost everything. But she just asks me if there have been any updates, but she doesn't look around herself. Then last year I had asked her to come over to check out the lofts that were going to be for sale. In fact, I've asked her over a couple of times, but she never did come over. And she was really picky about what kind of loft she wanted, so I really wanted her to come over and look and decide on which one she liked. But she never came. So now Danielle offered to build our loft from scratch and she started getting worried that Danielle wouldn't be able to handle that. URGH it's so frustrating.
I really miss Cassie. Even with her mess and all, and even with our not getting along a little, towards the end of last year. But at least we could be sarcastic and funny and.. yeah. I just miss her.

Well, it's time for bed. It's been a long week, and even though today was pretty relaxing, I kind of know that things aren't going to stay this way for long. Tomorrow, after Church, there's the usual lunch with those people, then council meeting at Scott's, then the crash, so we probably won't be back till after midnight. Then Monday, there's supposed to be another council meeting, but I'm not sure if we're actually going to have another one because of CAB's volleyball. Then after that, it's down time with Melissa again. Didn't have a very complete down time on Wednesday night, so we'll see what happens.

Ok, I'm outta here.

Updates updates..

Updates updates..

Well, so it definitely has been a while since I last blogged. First the internet cable was left at the house since it was connected to the modem in the roommate's room and she was around when I wasn't so I could never get it out. Then after that I just got too busy to go over. But now all is good and I'm online like 24/7.

So, some things that have been happening..

Friday..
The Greek final was horrible, and I'm just glad I'm done with that class. The grades are supposed to be up tomorrow, so we'll see what happens then.
After the final, I had to work out the last minute details of the orientation stuff with Scott. Then a bunch of us went to the airport together to pick some of the freshmen up. We ended up spending about 3 hours there because of some stuff that happened. I'm really amazed at how Kelvin still managed to have all that energy to run up and down to page for people. I learnt from my mum that NWA is on strike right now, so there are a lot of delays.

Orientation..
It hasn't been all bad. I really enjoy what I'm doing, and hanging out with these "my freshmen babies". Except I think I'm burnt out by Greek, having just got done with 5 crazy weeks of class, with the last 2 weeks coinciding with planning for orientation, then diving right into orientation itself. I realised something: 2 weeks is really too little time to plan all this stuff. It drove me crazy and the past couple of days I've been really low on patience and tolerance. Sunday, I snapped at Natalie and Patience, got mad at people for little stuff and was just really emotionally high-strung. And then I started the whole "I'm upset because I got upset with so and so" thing. In the sense, I got upset that like I snapped at Natalie or somthing to that extent. Although I have to say being this busy and occupied with other stuff has really done me some good in the sense that it has taken my mind off the hurt and pains of thinking about that broken relationship and a ton of other stuff. People keep telling me to take it easy, and I guess I really should do just that, but I want to plan all these fun stuff and make sure everything goes right that I just end up giving myself a lot more stress than necessary.
I learnt a couple of stuff about myself: I really am an obssessive worrywart. And I am a perfectionist. Or should I say, I have a phobia of failure that is VERY strong. So because of that, I worry unnecessarily. And I also try too hard to be social, when I'm really not a social person. I'm not sure if it's a bad thing. But Scott and Crispin have been telling me it's ok, and to not try to be someone that I really am not. On Friday when we had spent that 4 hours at the airport, I told the freshmen who were with us that I was actually a really shy person, and they laughed. I guess this not social side of me is really wearing me out because I have to try very hard to make small talk and stuff like that. And I also realised that I've kind of gotten used to being alone since that was what it was like when I was in the house, that it kind of feels weird to be around people again. And now I have to be around them so much and all almost makes it worse. I really do need time to myself. The student leaders retreat yesterday definitely helped some, but I still need to be reminded daily to draw strength from God because I really cannot do it alone.

So yeah, this has been pretty much what has been happening the past couple of days. Please be praying for me that I can make it through this week. I thought last week was bad, but it really wasn't. I was just really distracted. But this week has been mentally, emotionally and physically draining. And pray that I'll quit whining so that I won't be torturing others..

This is for Juan..

This is for Juan..

Yeah so I just realised today that I'm supposed to blog EVERYDAY. lol

I finally placed my order for my digicam today! It's supposed to arrive Wednesday. At least now I get to have some fun with a camera. I might just end up becoming the next Corbin, never without a camera. Like today at Church when the kids had pinned Kelvin and Paul on the floor. Gosh, that was hilarious. Picture perfect moment, except I didn't have a camera. That set me back by about $140 but it's all good. I'll just work harder on putting the cash back into the bank. Jean said Denise is looking into giving me more hours, so I'm probably going to keep my job during the school year.

Some stuff that happened recently..
- Went to Noblesville for the play that Connie directed and Joey produced. Those 41 kids were amazing.
- Starting to pack and clean and get ready to move back into the dorms.
- Church today, the musical was fantabulous, if I may say so myself. The kids were more well behaved than ever.
- Met Steph and her mum and Rhyse and Rurik's dad at Church.
- Met Rochelle Bargerstock for the first time and had lunch with her and Kelvin after everyone else abandoned us. Ahh I found another amazing conversationalist.
- Literati almost every night with Allison.
- Will start moving back into the dorms on Wednesday.
- Faint glimmer of hope restored after talking to April.
- Found out some not-so-nice stuff has been happening to the family at home. But jia chou bu ke wai yang, so I'm not going to talk about it here.
- Crispin, Corbin and Caleb gets back on Friday!! Crash at the Martins' Friday night!!
- Orientation programming officially starts on Saturday, as well as the wedding.

That's all for now.
Juan, happy now? lol

I should be in bed.

Been a tiring week so far. Brief update here, then it's off to bed.

- Special dance item for July "woven in love" special finale. Jean and Sidney were involved as well.
- Greek final for semester one (1.5 weeks ago) drove me mad. But I got an A- overall, so I'm not complaining. But it's getting harder to keep up.
- Officially took charge of International Freshman orientation on Friday after a brief meeting with Scott.
- Crash at the Martins'. Charades till midnight.
- Freeloaded lunch after Church 2 weeks in a row. Payment for flexing during school year, and "pre-paying" for upcoming year.
- Found out late Monday night/Tuesday morning about Steph's transfer to OSU.
- Dinner with Melissa and Paul Yoder. Didn't get to talk, as I had hoped to.
- Class, work, Church today.

Some upcoming things..
- Work tomorrow.
- Joey's play either Friday/Saturday.
- Steph comes to visit for the weekend/clear out her stuff from storage.
- Kids' musical rehearsal, set up and performance.
- Sleepover at Martin.
- Planning for orientation (late hours in the office)
- New students start arriving.
- Greek final.
- Move-in.
- Donald and Stephanie's wedding.
- Orientation begins.
- Singapore group arrives.
- Labor Day picnic
- Classes begin.

Night all.

Happy Birthday!

To my dearest homeland,
HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY
May the Lord who has sustained our little island through all the storms of life continue to bless you, and may we continue to shine for HIM as the little Antioch of Asia.

This is home, truly;
Where I know I must be;
Where my dreams wait for me;
Where the river always flows.
This is home, surely;
As my senses tell me.
This is where I won't be alone.
For this is where I know it's home.

To the special people in my life..

To the special people in my life.. (Part 1)

This entry is going to be on all my blogs, saying a big thank you to a group of very special people in my life.

First to my new-found friends..
The girls on the floor..
thanks for a wonderful Freshman year. I really couldn't ask for more.
Steph, for being an amazing RA. The way you have been so open and vulnerable with us during focus groups, and the stuff you do for our floor just amazes me. Thank you for being a friend during those times when I've struggled with issues, and words of comfort.
Crystal, for your friendship. The way you're so eager to help, no matter what the situation is, or how you feel about things. Those late night conversations about love languages, countries, and all.
Cassie, for being an amazing roomie. The few late night conversations we've had about stuff really allowed me to get to know you better. We've had our issues occassionally, but I'm glad that things have worked out for us. Thanks for tolerating my bad days and my snappiness.
Joey, for your strength. There is so much joy in you and it is really encouraging to see the way you manage to see the light in every situation. You're almost always happy, and you bring so much life and joy to us.
Rachel, for those times going over 9F together, and running around the hallways whether in the dorm or in Fine Arts. Good times.. You have so much energy and joy that it kind of spreads all around.
Kathryn, for being the quiet voice among the really rowdy group of us. For the way you've been encouraging in every situation, thank you. I only got to know you late 2nd semester, but you've been a blessing.
Sarah F, Tiffany, Melissa Wilkerson, Kirsten, Mary Martin, Amanda Boozier, Nicole, Amanda Schneider and Amy Loehndorf, it's been a blessing living with you guys.
The guys..
Crispin, for the conversations on IM about life, Church, and stuff. Waffles, spaghetti, hurricanes and all. I think it's amazing how you take an interest in every person's life. You're an amazing friend.
Corbin, for being a brother who is never afraid to share his faith. There are so many sides to one person, and that is true for you. Not a schizo, just versatile. The serious, and the really funny. Thanks for being open to sharing with us.
Kelvin, for being the big brother figure. For all those rides around, and kind of being a "mentor" and helping me figure some things out around here. Thanks for your friendship, and being able to tolerate my sarcasm.
Other random people..
Allison, for cracking me up every night for the past week with our randomness about stuff. You've made me feel that I can be useful again. You have a certain spunk in life about stuff that brightens up my day. Sorry I screwed things up.
Amy D, Patricia, Niccole, Sarah and Erin, some of the RAs in Martin who have taken time to get to know me even though I wasn't one of those from your floor. Special thanks to Amy for the wonderful Spring Break, and introducing me to Florida. Patricia and Niccole for the strength in the Lord that I see in you; it's been really encouraging.
Jenn Johnson, Leslie, for the spiritual guidance you have offered occassionally.
The AUCME team, Laura, Sarah D, Sarah Flater, Jennie, Emily, Stephen and Bryan, it's been great working with you guys even though we've had our moments of frustration. Thanks for all the encouragement that you guys have given, not just to me, but to each other. Special thanks to Laura for taking time to hang out and get to know me in the earlier weeks of summer.
Danielle, Liz, Candace Hall, Ben Turnbill, Adam Fenrick, Aaron and some other random people whom I've gotten to know but forgot about (sorry you can kill me for leaving you out..), thanks for your friendship.
People from the school of music..
Antoine, Gretchen and Josh, Stephanie Wurmnest, Rachel Reynolds, Travis, Liz Crume, Xen, Jarod
The international freshman class of 2004
All the other ISA or MSA folks..
Luciana, Cherie, Houen, Yemi, Fanny, Rurik, Deonka
Donald, Samir, Ronke, Sirish,
Jacquie, Yoon Joo, Sung, Stephen
Rhyse, Caldwell, Stefan, Maria, Vaughn
The faculty or staff from AU who have touched my life,
Scott, Prof Brooks, Dr Rodgers, Lisa Pay, Prof Brandon, Gwen Spaulding-Barclay, Margaret
People in the HR office,
Denise, Pauletta, Kathy, Sandy and Lori,
The people in the dining services,
Marilyn and the people from Cafe Ole whom I don't remember their names, Jamie and some others from the Haven, the nice lady I work with in the Marketplace,
Thanks you all.
People from Church,
The Johnsons who have taken me under their wing, Rhonda Hamm, Anjie, the Dennis's, Ann Smith
Special mention..
Melissa, for being my mother away from home. For always checking on me to be sure that I haven't been bad, like my eating habits at the beginning, then encouraging me to rise up to different challenges that I wouldn't have dare to try if not for your encouragement. For all the lessons I've learnt from you, and teaching me that it's ok to fail. Thank you.

Make new friends, keep the old. For one is silver, and the other is gold.
Those I got to know in MJ..
03A301 during the first 3 months,
The gang of 6..
Elsa, for all the laughter that we shared, and more recently for being a friend and all the encouragement you have given with my recent problems. Also, thanks for allowing me to be a friend during your ups and downs.
Christel, for the advise that you would give during the crazy times that I had. It started with the advise about whether to stay on in MJ after first 3 months, then there was that time of the crazy crush I had, and finally when I was deciding whether to leave MJ for good. Thanks, you've been a good friend.
The guys, Jian Guang, Darren and Stanley, for all the noise you made in class, and even for the "yi qi" of being friends, even though we eventually drifted apart.
Cai Hong and Yi Zhi, just simply for being who you are, quiet but caring.
Lee Mei, I just wish I had gotten to know you earlier. For all those moments of craziness, and even embarrassing ourselves (or should it be yourself?? hehe) during lectures. All those guy-stalking moments and lamenting about our uneventful love lives, and contemplating going to live in the nunnery. I miss you girl.
Everyone else in the class, thanks for those short memories.
The other people I randomly got to know,
The exco of MJCSB, sometimes it hurts to see how far ahead you guys have moved on since I left. But it's all good. It has been good working with all of you, even during those moments when we didn't seem to get along very well. Emma, Lin Yee, Wei Ee, Wei Hao, Serena and Juan, thanks.
MJCSB, people like Elroy, Sharif, Jamie, Tabitha, Xin Hui, Hwee Lee, Zhi Ming, Lynnette, Hui Wen, you have been an amazing bunch of people.
The amazing Arts Fac,
People in 03A101, my PW group, it's been fun.
Those who are also in another part of my social circle, like MJCSB or TKGS have an even more special place in my heart.
Michelle, Laureen, Shu Yun, Adam, Howard, thanks.
Sam, for all those times that we have shared, learning and growing together. Even though things didn't turn out the way we both wanted, thanks for your friendship, and for helping me through some of the roughest times in my life.
The people from the green days in TK
The December friends,
Juan, for being part of my heart and mind, for understanding the unspoken. Thanks for those times at the swing, or on the train home. I love the challenge of dissecting your complicated brain, so I will do it some time. And especially thanks for introducing me to the most amazing person in my life, and for all those times when I have struggled with facing my own fears and problems. Thanks.
Jer, for being the kid in my life, giving me someone to be "responsible for". Seeing the way you're growing in certain decisions makes me happy. Thanks for those times of laughing and crying and even those times when you made me mad with some crazy decisions you mad.
Yu Lin, for being the other kid in my life. For the way you're almost always happy and even those times when we didn't see eye to eye with each other about stuff. For trying hard to be comforting, but not always successfully. Thanks for trying girl :) Not everyone's born with the gift to be a comforter, but your trying means a lot to me.
Hui Ting, Vaughn, Chin Hong, Kelvin and Liang He, thanks for those times. We cannot relive the past, but thanks for the memories.
The TKGSSB people,
My 2 favourite people, Bern and Oi Fong, thanks for always being my kai xin guos. We never really got to know each other beyond complaining about Ms Sia and the juniors, but I guess it's ok, since you both always keep me happy and sane. Oh wait, I take the sane part back. (You know what I mean, about the obssessive worrying and all)
The seniors who have spent so much time and effort on me, Ji Hye, Joyce and most importantly, Ming Zhen. I hope I haven't disappointed you or made you feel like you've wasted your time and effort on me.
Yan Ru and Jia Jia, thanks for the memories we shared. The laughter and all the insanity in Thailand and Japan.
Sue Ann, girl, I haven't seen you in forever, and I'm starting to miss you (yes, I'll be honest about the starting) Thanks for those times when you helped with all the problems in the section. You're support and encouragement meant a lot.
Winnie, you're a special one. I don't remember how we got close, but I'm glad we did.
Shera, Cheryl, Melody, Mavis, Deborah, Tammy, Lynnette and all the others in the Sec 4 batch of 2002, it's been good. 4 years since the amazing SYF year. I miss you guys.
Other people from the TK days..
Limin, for having been one of the most supportive people in my decision to go down the music path. For listening to me complain about my section, my juniors and all the band politics.
Siyuan, Phoebe, and everyone else in the MEP class, good times.
People from the Church of God in Singapore,
First to the 3 people who have been most encouraging in my ministry,
AUNTIE Hooi Inn, thanks for all the encouragement that you have given. The letters, the books, the talks behind the piano after service was over, the challenges to do back-up singing, and most importantly, constantly encouraging me to come out of my little shell. Your encouragement means a lot.
UNCLE Aaron, (note the BIG BOLD LETTERS hehe) thanks for the guidance and inspiration to lead worship the right way. Not the way people like it, but the way God likes it, the way that will bring people to God. You always said you weren't a music pro, but you are a man after God's heart, and that's what matters. Thanks for the lessons that I got to learn from you.
April, thanks for the encouragement to hold on everytime I felt like giving up. Thanks for always believing, and inspiring me to believe as well, through your own example. Thanks for always making time to talk to me, even though you are busy at work, and for talking me through my struggles.
The prayer partners,
Kevin, Joshua, Jason and Ben, thanks for those times when we could come together in the mornings to pray. They meant a lot to me. Special note to Kevin and Joshua, the youth group may go through rough patches, but always believe and hope in the Lord that He will make things work for the good of those who love Him.
The youths,
Crystal, my dearest penguin sister, thanks for being encouraging even though you aren't having a very easy time yourself.
Giselle, Cherissa, Jasmine, James, Jaslynn, Josiah, Yan Zhang, Naomi, Titus, Juliana, thanks guys. Continue to grow and encourage each other in the Lord, alright.
The primary school friends,
The only primary school friend from SHPS that I still communicate with occassionally, Wei Teen, we've had some ups and downs in our friendship, but I'm still glad we were friends. You probably are the first person to have nudged me towards my direction in ministry, even if that had happened sub-consciously, and neither of us had paid attention to it at that time.
Other people from SHPS that I still think about (even if it's just occassionally), Lydea, Angeline, Carolyn, Cherlyn, Michelle Wong, Li Fen, Ai En, Caderam, Nicholas, Rui Jie, Eddie Cai, Kenneth, I haven't seen you guys in forever, and I hope each and everyone of you are doing well.

And lastly, and most importantly, the family.
Tian, Pris, Tycho Cat and Jason, thanks for staying in touch occassionally.
The rest of the extended family, thanks for loving and taking care of me.
Papa, thanks for working so hard to get me and ko through college.
Ko and Xin, even though you both make me mad sometimes, thank you for always helping me with stuff.
Special thanks to Mummy, just for loving us.

Thanks you all. I love you.


In special remembrance of Wai Gong.. you've been gone for a really long time now. There are times when I wonder what kind of relationship we would have developed if you were still alive. It's been a long time, and I don't remember much from the days you were still alive, but I still think about those times when you would take me downstairs to take Jason back from Child Care, and stopping by the newspaper vendor. I miss seeing the way you sit on your stool at the dinner table, poking at the rice in your bowl with the chopsticks. I miss your quiet nature. I miss you.

Update update..

Ok, so it's been another week since my last update. Here goes..

Last Wednesday was crazy.
As much as I tried to finish my homework before I had to go to work, I didn't get much done. So it was kind of bad, having to cram everything so that I would get done by 11 so that I could get in bed and be awake at 5.30 to take my shower the next morning before class.
Anyhow, I got annoyed by someone online, because she kept bugging me to talk to her about her relationship problems. Let me first say that I'm no expert, but she figured since I kind of had her figured out, and I knew the guy she was interested in, she wanted my advise on how compatible they were. craziness.. They weren't really compatible, but I didn't want to break her heart, considering she was already on a VERY low self-esteem. (Yeah, so I know I have issues with my self-esteem, but she's a lot worse) And she loves being difficult, and refusing to see things through the eyes of others, and just loves whining about herself. Those of you who know how I am with people when they have problems should know that I don't usually talk this way about people, but in this case, I really couldn't take it. Ok, so I shall 'fess up that I wasn't just frustrated with her alone, since there were like 3 other people who were talking to me at the same time, and 2 out of the 3 others were asking me for love advise too. I felt like telling them, "look, if I had this whole love thing figured out, I wouldn't be so frustrated myself". But anyway, all those frustrating conversations didn't actually take place on Wednesday. It was actually Friday night that all these happened. But anyway, that was just to get my point across about how difficult it was to talk to her that night. And I had told her that I needed to get my Greek homework done, but she kept going on about how she was going off at 9, so I should just talk to her until she goes. At first, I kept talking to her because I figured I could do the "yes and no" thing while I was doing my homework, then she kept asking questions about the guy, so I'm like.. URGH
Anyway, that was my highly eventful Wednesday night after working with the kids at Park Place. It's actually kind of fun to be working with those kids, and it made me really happy when some of them would come up to me on Sunday at Church to say hi. I felt connected (even if it's just a little) to the Church.

Thursday, just class, then work. Pretty uneventful day..

Friday, class. Ohh then I stayed on to work in the library till 4-ish. I was so proud of myself that just for that day, I had gotten out of my procastinating habit. Well, all last week, I had gotten out of the procastinating habit. But we'll have to see how long this will last. I finally understood what it meant to be xian ku hou tian. (as a side note, I just wish this could apply to other aspects of my life.. like waiting for stuff) and so I had a happy weekend, doing whatever I wanted, without having to think of homework. HAA!!

Saturday, just a lazy day. I was going to get up earlier so that I could spend more time IMing people at home before they went to bed, but I just didn't get out of bed till 9-ish, because I went to bed at like 2 the night before. And by the time I got out of the shower and was done with breakfast with God, the one person I had hoped to talk to wasn't there anymore. Well, I'm not sure if April had actually logged on at all that morning, but we had agreed to talk on MSN on my Saturday mornings. Anyway..
Spent the rest of the day with the laundry, and then later that night went to watch a musical "Copacabana" with Lori and Pauletta. Lori brought a friend, Ryan who's in the Wind Ensemble, so if he's staying on in Wind Ensemble next year, I'll probably get to know him better then. Till then, he's Lori's friend. Pauletta came with her husband and Ezra. And we met Eric Wilson the theory guy who came in to our Theory class last semester to sub a few lessons (and bored a lot of people to tears. Apparently even Brooks himself didn't cut him any slack, but then again, I wasn't the one who saw Brooks being bored out by him, so I wouldn't know)
The musical was horrible. Lori and I were going on and on about how AU's theatre could do a lot better, even with their low budget. And AU's tickets are like, $5 for students, but that other musical was like $22 I think (we got ours free from the HR office, or we wouldn't have paid that kind of money. hee) The best "actors" onstage were probably the dancers. (And 2 of them are from AU. haa) Well, it got better in the 2nd act, but still. AU's theatre rocks.
On the drive back home, Lori and I got talking about X's relationship problems. Lori's known X for a longer time than I have, and in fact I only started talking to X about her problems the weekend before. Ok, make that I only started talking to X the weekend before. Without going into too much detail, I'm not the only one who's frustrated with her. I was determined to be patient with her, unlike "her other friends who have ditched her because she moped around too much". But I just couldn't take it. And even Aaron, the Psych major had given up on her, so.. what can I say?

Sunday, Church.
It was the usual July Service, the "woven in love" special. This week's emphasis was on the family, but I wasn't really paying very much attention. I was paying attention during the songs, but in between the songs, and everything else I paid more attention to the wrinkles on the hand of the lady sitting in front of me, and the patterns on the guy's shirt. But one thing definitely did catch my attention. "Imagine how Rachel must have felt, going through that 7 years, not knowing if she will ever get to be with the one she loved." Shan't go into too much detail on that one.
Then after that, went to the food court at the mall for lunch for Scott's after Church Birthday thing. Had a giant slice of Cheese pizza and a good sized tossed salad and a drink for an amazing $5. Then Rhyse dropped me off at Rhonda's to babysit again. They (Rhyse, Rurik and Miriam) all came in and hung out for a while, then left. I had the opportunity to have a good talk with Rhonda about how I felt about Church and stuff, and she knew that I really wanted to get involved. That was an answered prayer; now I'm connected. Then she dropped me off at home just before 5 and I got a good nap! haa. Then slacked around for the evening (aka don't remember what I did)

Yesterday,
Well, it was class, then tried to get as much of the homework done as I could. It was craziness because I wasn't exactly sure about what was going on in class. And yesterday there were 40 translations to work on, instead of the usual 20 because there were 2 lessons. So it was the first time that I didn't get the entire exercise done. sigh (see, Dr Shively only requires us to do the even numbers, but I usually do all so that I get the practise) But I still got more than half done, so I wasn't too upset.
Then after that went to babysit again while Rhonda and Joani worked out the final details of the kids' musical thing. That kid has SO much energy. And it was a really warm day yesterday, and the AC wasn't doing a very good job. Now, if the windows were open, I probably wouldn't be complaining so much. But it was all good. I love that little man.
Then after that, it was the most last minute surprise birthday party EVER. I got a voicemail from Kelvin on Sunday night (my phone had died on me and I didn't realise it, but since I don't get calls all that often, it didn't bother me that my phone wasn't going off the hook that night). I couldn't really hear what he said, but what I did make out of the whole voicemail was the time he called (he's so hilarious..) then something about Scott's birthday, and going to John and Paul's then blah blah blah, and if I need a ride, call him. What I didn't make out was that it was supposed to be a surprise, so Monday morning I had stopped by his office to say happy birthday (which wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to feel like he didn't have any friends. lol) So anyway, it was all good, and we had a really amazing attendance considering how last minute it was. AND I got to see Leslie!! She's leaving for home this Sunday and she'll probably be gone.. She's going home for a year then hopefully to Chicago to culinary school. Anyhow, we (Leslie, Antoine, Ricky, Kelvin and I) stayed in till just about 11 playing Euchre then left.
And I got to talk to X's friend last night. Let's just keep it that way.

Today..
class, then homework, then.. nap. That's about all that I did.

Tomorrow's another crazy day.
Class, then lunch, then work, then hopefully some homework time, then Church with the kids, then who knows what..

Thursday will probably be similar.
Class, then lunch, then work, then hopefully some homework, then Church for rehearsal for the dance thing for Sunday's service (now don't give me the look about the dance. I really have no idea about what's going on, but Rhyse and Rhonda needed people involved, and Rhyse had said the choreography was really simple. so..)

Yeah, that's the little update for now. And I'm still working on my special people list, just haven't added on YET.

random

I was going to spend the rest of tonight catching up with my blogging after I got done with the translations.. But it seems it's not going to happen since I tried to catch up on e-mailing first, but even the e-mailing isn't caught up..

Anyhow, I'm just glad tomorrow is Friday. I can't wait to get my rest..

random ramblings

And so the random ramblings take place tonight.

In the last 2 minutes before I climbed into bed last night, I came up with a few new lists..

On IM.. (in order of merit)
People who make me happy:
Oi Fong (my happy nut never fails to crack me up)
April (and her commonsensical.. wisdom)
Bern (on her good days, her flustering cracks me up too)
Allison (the way we both try to outdo each other with crappy nonsense)

People who make me smile:
Crispin (ahh the sharings of a good Christian brother)
Lee Mei (that girl is as silly as ever)
Corbin (and how he tries to act serious sometimes, but just cracks up)
Emma (for just being her)
Elsa, Juan and Jer (simply for the place they have in my heart)

People who frustrate me:
Allison (for her continuously being difficult about issues)
Amber, Fenrick, Keren, Aaron, and Yu Lin (tied for tongue-tied-ness)
Juan, Jer and Elsa (for the rare opportunities to talk)


Next random rambling..
Sometimes I don't like to talk about my life here because I feel like I have no right to have an "easier" life than people at home. I shouldn't say too much because I may just make them feel bad about their situation.

Greek is uber fun.

Tongue-tiedness keeps occuring, and it's not helping because a certain someone keeps randomly signing in and out.

Random thought that popped into my head while watching "My Best Friend's Wedding" yesterday. Couldn't help wondering what reaction I would get from people at home if I suddenly appear at home, married with kids. lol just amusing myself.


That's about all for now..

Random

Ok, I'm going to start rambling in no particular order..
Oh wait, first, an update on the past who knows how long..

last update was 9 July.. so I'll start from there.

10 July.. was a Sunday.
After Church, went Chinese with Miriam, Rhyse, the Martins, John and Paul, and Kelvin.
Then went and hung out with Keren for a bit, and visited Melissa.
The visit time with Melissa is amazing. I love that woman. If there's one thing that is making me want to stay on in the dorms, it's her. It used to be that I liked dorm life too much, but after being off campus for this much of summer, I don't feel like I want to return. After all, kitchen, fridge, unlimited laundry, internet, what more can I ask?? And if I actually had roommates I was comfortable with.. now, that would be really amazing.
Ok, anyway, after that went and caught a movie with that same bunch of people. They wanted to watch War of the Worlds. I wasn't too keen, but I would have gone anyway, since I was so bored. Turns out Miriam and Rhyse had caught that, so we watched Fantastic 4 with Dominic instead. (I think he was underage for War of the Worlds. I'm not sure if it was parental restriction, though..)
Then went and got some food at Payless..

11 July..
worked in the morning, then went and got 2 books at really good deals. Spent the rest of the day, and the next day reading both books.

13 & 14 July..
work again, and started on the cross stitch that my mum got before I left. haha I'm finally starting on it, but stopped because class started, and I got lazy.

15 July..
supposed to cook so that I'll finish my food supply, but I got lazy. Cleaned a little
Then crash at the Martins' was FUN.
ok, no I should say it was an adventure.
First, Rhyse showed up late to pick us up. Then we got lost trying to find Miriam. We got to Scott's just in time for the pizza to arrive. So we ate a little, then Rhyse and I headed out to play a quick game of badminton, just in time to get back to catch Hitch.
Then after that, we played the culture trivia game till 1.30. That was SUPER fun.
AND THEN... when we left, Rhyse's car ran out of gas. lol that was funny. We had to call Scott and ask him to come fill up her gas tank.

16 July..
Was going to spend the day cleaning, then Rhonda called. She had to go in a whole big circle in order to get my number.. I was going to visit her and Victor on Sunday, but she wanted me to go over on Saturday instead because she was going to hang out with Joani.
But had to clean.. so sad.
Anyway, I managed to clean out my room, like everything, for the first time since I moved in.

17 July..
Church.. Then spent time with Victor and Rhonda. Was kind of glad I got to spend time with Rhonda. Now she knows that I want to get more involved in Church, so she'll probably hook me up with the right people.
Then Karaoke and Desserts at Church to raise funds for the Uganda mission team. The Johnsons wanted me to sing for them, and I felt obliged because.. well, just because it was them.

18 July..
Well, first day of Greek. It was fun!!

19 July..
never had more satisfaction than working for 4 hours straight on 29 translations. Greek is uber fun!!

OK, now it's way past my bedtime, so I won't have time for random ramblings.. Save that for next time.

Greek tomorrow, then work, then Park Place with the kids for the musical. Let's just hope and pray hard that I don't faint from exhaustion after all that and working through more translations!!

Random

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.




create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands
This one's for countries I've visited




create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands
This one's for countries where I've friends who've lived there for all or some part of their lives.




create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands
This one's for countries where I've been to and want to go again, or countries that I just want to go to.