Dear God,

help me to realise the reality of your love for me.

Let it overwhelm my heart.

Love,

Your Child

If you were trying to win a battle, you'd look at your opponents weaknesses and capitalise on those weak foundations. It's funny how the enemy works like that with us. He looks at the areas in our life that we've held back from God in one way or another.. and then he attacks us. Distracting us, filling our heads with toxic thoughts so that there's no room for the good stuff that brings life.

When he sees potential, he quenches it with any means possible. Snuff the flame out while it's still small. Whether it be consuming us with greed, pride, jealousy, lust or envy. And the worst part of it, is that the majority of us don't even see this spiritual battle going on and are completely ignorant. Allowing ourselves to be pawn pieces moved around and influenced by the enemy.

I know myself. I get so caught up in discontentment, jealousy and envy, it's ridiculous. But God's grace is sufficient for me.. and His strength is all I need to help me overcome these life-sucking strongholds in my life. Chopping them down, one by one.

It really hurts when someone who's supposed know you better than anyone else doubts your character and nature. Sigh Cow. It's so darn frustrating. I feel like I've constantly got this pressure to prove myself.. prove that like I'm some sort of better person cause I'm less than what you expect me to be. I feel even shameful sometimes, because I feel like I'm the one completely at the wrong. But I think in this case, the change that needs to happen is not only on my part. I hope you see that too.

I kept thinking.. what the heck was I going to say to you.. to reason this out. In my head, I would say this.. and you would say that. It would be a very mature, calm, conversation. But I know your personality and how you would respond. You would take every reason I give and perceive it either as an excuse or as an accusation. I wish chill pills actually existed in this world.. at least legal ones. Then I could get some for you, and maybe our relationship wouldn't be ugly at times. I hate it when you get angry and spastic at me because of the dumbest things. They matter, but they really don't matter that much.

It's strange how we can be so reluctant to tell people that mean so much to us how much we love them because we fear placing ourselves in a vulnerable position. Saying we love someone is almost like putting ourselves out there in the deep end and the ball is in their court to reciprocate the same kind of love. It can be uncomfortable I guess. But I think knowing you're loved is so important as well.

I love the lyrics in 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol -

"those three words are said too much but not enough".

If it's overused, it also tends to lose its meaning. So, maybe the word should never used as a form of convenience or formality.. like ending a letter with "love, blah blah" when genuine love isn't actually felt. I think I try my best to be careful with using it too much. I don't ever want to get to the point where I can say it to someone so easily without actually realising what it entails. To say you love someone means so much more than just saying.. I appreciate you because you make me happy. It also takes their weaknesses and their greatest flaws into consideration. Saying you love someone is like saying.. even though you have the potential to hurt me or disappoint me/or already have, I appreciate you for everything you are and the best friend you try to be to me.

Went to Snow Pony today with Jo, Jules and Ven (:

I love going for Brunches with people! They're always a little bit fancy.. and I love my toast, cheese and eggs. I had some cheese toast with eggplant and bacon today. It was pretty darn awesome.

Well exams are around the corner again. Today has been an absolute day of procrastination.. consisted of brunch with the girls, painting my nails red even though my brother told me it looks ugly, walking around the house for no reason, playing my new toy cajon, checking FBing. The amount of distraction around my house is amazing. It doesn't help that I found out I only need 16% more to pass the subject I was most concerned about. Have to keep myself motivated!!!

I'm pretty excited about going to NZ soon. I'm leaving the same day as my last exam, which makes me really look forward to that day as much as I dread it. Haha. First time I'm actually planning a parent-independent with friends ((: And I love the fact that I'm going with some of my dearest friends! Zac, Jo and Wenners will be such great company for the few days after the conference. The v20 Studentlife Conference itself will be a crazy blast that I'm sure will blow.me.away. Haha.

But I think travelling with people might also be a test of our friendship. LOL. Spending extended time with friends I've realised, from experience, can either break it or build it. Haha. Like the last time I went trekking with Zac and Joce at the MacRitchie Tree Top walk. LOL. It was sooo intense. I hate being in the middle of a squabble, especially between two best friends. But it was an experience I don't I'd ever forget. To add to that drama, my stupid slipper just wouldn't stop breaking every 10 steps. Thank God it was just Zac that trudged off, not Joce too.. if not I'd probs be left there limping and being attacked by crazy monkeys or something.

Skyped with Tabs the other day.. and she reminded me to check up on Twitter. So I did. I looked through the past tweets that I tweeted (LOL) and the ones that mentioned me. Made me miss my time in Singapore so much, just chilling with Tabs and Lydia.

Watching soccer at the coffee shop (lydia doing her work at the same time and constantly asking which team was Man utd even after I told her multiple times that they were the red team), playing DOTA and L4D into the wee hours of the morning (even tho I got a little sick of it after a while), sleep overs with Tab and Lydia and our crazy antics like the time we spend an hours trying to forge Lydia's certificate and singing along to MTV karaoke tv, jam sessions with Tabs, times we just chilled at the fountain chatting, or just lazing around doing nothing particularly useful.

It suddenly hit me that there probably won't be many more opportunities to spend time with them like that anymore. As life gets ahead of us and more commitments flood into our lives.. it's just going to get harder. But even though it is sad, I guess the dwindling of these moments doesn't mean that our friendships are growing thin in anyway, it's just changing. These special moments will probably just come in different forms (: Even if it is over Skype.. and Lydia's showing off the room she can finally call her own or Tab's calling me to inform me that she passed her driving test ((: Yup, love them, I do.

Wow.. haven't blogged like this in a while, think I should do it more often (:

Some cool pics ((:

I never thought it would come to this point where I'd be at loss for words. Even though I know there still might be some lingering frustration and maybe strong discomfort.. I have a hunch that our friendship is going to make it. I'm counting on the fact that it will because there's been too much good as result of it to let it snuff out.

It's so true that perfect, satisfying love can only come from Christ alone.
Water that can actually quench a thirsty spirit, as opposed to salty water that just makes you want to drink more and more of what's actually killing you.

People always ask 'why do things always have to be so complicated?'... that's usually when our circumstances are in a tight knot and we're at our end's wits. Maybe it's because we weren't close enough to God to listen to his voice, telling us exactly how to avoid those knots.

"Then I realised that my heart was bitter,

and I was all torn up inside.

I was foolish and ignorant-

I must've seemed like a senseless animal to you.

Yet I still belong to you;

You hold my right hand.

You guide me with Your counsel,

Leading me to a glorious destiny.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

I desire you more than anything on earth.

My heart may fail, and my spirit grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

He is mine forever."

(Psalm 73)

It's not a good feeling - knowing you've hurt someone you love.

I've done it before and I've done it again. I should just dig a hole and sit in there.

Every time I see falling leaves, it reminds me of the changing. Summer, spring, autumn and winter. The seasons come and they go. People constantly tell me friends are like the seasons. Most of them last for a season and then they go.

Honestly, I'm so sick of hearing that. Why does there have to be seasons that come and go? Why do some stars have to fade away and some rise up and become more prominent in our lives....... I just want those few stars shining constantly throughout my life. Is that too much to ask for?

"Since I found Your love, I've never needed anything to fill my heart."

That's such a bold proclamation to make.

I find myself often groping around the dark for things to "fill me", things to keep me occupied. But I know at the end of the day, the only one that can satisfy the deepest longings of my soul is Christ and only Christ alone. If we really knew God intimately, I think boredom would be eradicated and replaced with freedom and enthusiasm in life (: Cause our lives would revolve around Him instead of it always being about me, myself and I.

Anyways, I had a good lunch with Andrea, Jules and Jo at some random cafe at Clarendon street in the city. It was called Dead Man's cafe or something. Had the most sinful item on the menu - the pork belly BLT sandwich. It was terrific though. I think somewhere along the conversation we decided that we were going to Vietnam at the end of the year for a mission trip sort of thing (((: I'm really excited cause I think its an actual feasible idea..... (:

Oh life.....