Like There's Anyone Else

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything. – Katherine Hepburn

A proud sufferer of abulia sooner or later hems and haws her way into some semblance of (albeit usually impulsive) decisiveness.

But all the hem-hawing drove me absolutely NUTS.

Since I couldn’t decide whether to mail him the goddamn letter or just forget it and have the letter writing be some kind of warped self-therapy…I let fate choose for me. Sounds whimsical? Meh, the modern-day woman does what she wants!

…or does she?

I mean, he leaves me no choice but to see him one last time. And, I can’t even feel completely forced because behind all my objections, I want to see him, too! If I were to keep puting my foot down, it’d strain our tenuous friendship-with-quotations relationship. If I say yes, it’d screw my recovery time and make it everything more difficult than it already is.

Soooo, I said yes to him.

Because it’s only been two weeks since the semester ended, because obviously that’s not nearly enough time to overcome my weakness for his company, because I don’t want to end on a bad note…because I want us to stay friends. Because I can’t refuse myself the prospect of seeing him. Because I’m a masochist in matters of the heart, apparently. I’ll suffer the consequences one last time. *sigh* Damn him for making me feel so excited to see him (now that he’s made sure that we get to see each other one last time before he heads to Europe).

And, goodness! I think I’m nervous.

I’m also anxious b/c this means I have to give him the letter I wrote last week (I won’t go back on my word, even if I’m the only one who knows)—

Time is of the Essence

I’ve known this for some time now—

Ever since I made the decision to let go of my hesitation, to fall all the way in. That perhaps, the “best” (and quotes are inserted because I’m wary of using words of such absoluteness for these situations) thing now is for me to let go again, but this time to release the burden of my own hurt. True, I don’t regret my actions and decisions for they led to memories dear to my heart, but I can’t go at it alone anymore.

This is enough. I’m not willing to let myself settle for something that seems together but isn’t at all.

I was asked by some close few, “Why yield [then]? Wouldn’t it make the end worse?”

I battled with questions such as these every time I need to make a decision, and boy, the struggle sure doesn’t get any easier with experience! It’s hard for me to explain sometimes, even to myself, why I chose to do this and not that (and sometimes it happens I do know, but stubbornly won’t admit to it). Now and then, my train of thought hits upon some rational logic that confirms my decisions, my actions. My wholly irrational behavior. Yet, when I pinpoint it to explain to others, oftentimes my epiphany seems too fleeting to grasp. I suppose this is the delicate balance between personal intuition and self-doubt.

I wonder, that if a human being goes through life in various stages, changing into a different person while at the same time is considered to be the same person…shouldn’t relationships between people be viewed the same way?

So, I s’pose that when I mean “ending it” (hm, I really should devote an entry to exploring why I’m unable to use finalistic words without tagging it in quotes! EDIT 10/23: ENTRY DEVOTED), it’s not so much a conclusion as it is starting anew. And of course, not forgetting to learn from the past so as to not repeat it. I can’t presume that I won’t fall for another guy in the same way I fell for him (in fact, it seems I’m inclined to do so), but at least I can say it won’t happen for the same guy twice.

Enough is enough, at least it should be by now (as if I repeat over and over again, it'll finally decide to sink in on its own)…

He’s right in all that he said to argue his side, and it doesn’t help that in general my wants mirror his as well. I do want to spend more time with him given the chance—he makes me laugh, smile from my lips to my eyes to my heart. I mean, right there is a big part of why I surrendered to my feelings before. I’d rather chose to be happy instead of dwelling in things that won’t change simply because I can’t stop thinking about it. If I hadn’t lived the moment to be happy instead of letting my hurt mar what little time I had left with him, I’d regret it.

However, in this moment my gut feeling is not in consensus with my feelings anymore. I don’t want to say no to seeing him one last time before he leaves for Europe, and let me tell you, he sure knows how to persuade, which might be due to a combination of him knowing me all too well and me being naturally inclined towards him! Either way, I know that I can’t just cut off our friendship this time, but neither can I let our friendship continue along in the manner it is now—was. If I were to do that, I’d probably end up exceeding my hurt threshold and the friendship would not last through all the ambiguity.

“So, you don’t want to taint the memories?” He asked me over the phone, and in part, rightly so.

Maybe I’m too scared or what…only I can’t keep giving as I’d give to a relationship when we aren’t in one nor can I pluck up the courage to overcome the heart’s natural resistance to being so openly transparent to another.

For it is a gift, yes. And, when I give my heart to anything—be it family, friendship, or love—I don’t expect anything in return. I realized, however, that I confused a certain distinction and overlooked an important detail. I love giving gifts, especially the small little things that I know would make someone happy. I feel a giver carries a sort of responsibility…or, it could be called a sense of pride, to give something that is needed or wanted, something that matters to both involved.

Yet, I learned the hard way (which I think is the way for most) that you can only give yourself so fully if you don’t end up losing yourself in the process. And, I think if things were to stand as is, I’d stagnate myself and be stuck in the past. Stuck in what can’t be, or to be said more harshly, never was.

So, yes I don’t want to taint the past memories.

Rather than having the memories pull me down, I opt for carrying them with me.

A Lazy Buddhist Ignores At Own Peril

“We live in a moment of history where change is so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it is already disappearing.” –Ronnie D. Laing

After personalizing my google homepage, it has become the source of many a gratifying distraction. I get a new quote every time I refresh! National Geographic picture of the day, ooohhs! Word of the day, aaahhs! And, for the agnostic mind, daily horoscope as well. Scusi, I meant...as well, eee! (the jaded cynic is getting the best of me, bite me--I'm sad and tired today)

Every once in a while, the generic horoscope is so damnably relatable...

Horoscope for Cancer: Tuesday, May 1st, 2007

You might be somewhat uneasy today as emotions come to the surface. You may be stimulated by new ideas in ways that could threaten your stability, but it's not smart to avoid the new information. In order to take something to the next level, you will need to be flexible enough to let go of what you currently have and trust your instincts.

Now see, I was raised in a home that did well not ignore coincidences, especially the coincidences, and omens in life. Superstition never ruled our life, per se. However, the general rule of thumb was that if you happen to see it, you’d do best to pay attention to what it could mean…otherwise, why else would it chose to cross your path?

It’s a very Buddhist way of thinking, but I am, well, more the laidback sort. Although, I believe the technical term could be…Zen. But, you see I happen to really like the idea calling myself a “Lazy Buddhist.” Ha.

I’m attempting to cheer myself up because I discovered some disturbing news first thing this morning. Oliv is not returning to Res Life staff next year. Why am I always the last to know these things? Damn it. It was so unexpected, too…everyone assumes I’m already in the know for some reason. Oliv had told me that she had a gift for me, and the contents of the card that accompanied it…tore my composure to pieces.

(In a pretty mini-card so wonderfully Olivia)
“Jo, I feel so bad that I did not come back to cover duty that Friday & Sat and that you in turn had to instead. Your strength of character and endurance during this time has absolutely amazed me, and thanks again for taking care of me recently—your concern and hugs were a huge comfort. As you have heard I’m not going to be an RA next year—and I’m really going to miss you… But your presence on this staff has been such a blessing, and I will treasure the times & conversations that we have had immensely. I love you! ~Olivia.

GAH. Aww, how I do love Oliv!


In moments of rationality, I know that this’ll be the best choice for her, and I’m happy for that. Yes, perhaps even a bit envious. On the downside, she is the last of the people I'm closest to on my staff.

Honestly, next year is starting to look depressing. Or maybe, this year was just too amazing??

*sigh*