hmmm.

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Not ~~Le Xuan~~ anymore, i'm afraid.
Not anyone much anymore.

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✏ Writing...

<$BlogDateHeaderDate $> @ 2:32 PM

I remember when I used to blog v often maybe twice a week? Or whenever I felt like it. I like(d) to write (ok scrap the past tense I still do), and it was my chosen outlet of release for all my adolescent musings. So many feelings choices conflicts to write about!!!!! Plus everyone had an "emo" phase in secondary school I'm sure (or all the girls at least even more plausible if you were from a girls' school). And what better way to exemplify and nurture your flair than penning down your sadnesses? I didn't think of it that way much in the moment but in hindsight I have realised no one can write about happiness happier than one can write about sadness sadder.

But that's rather beside the point... Actually what I'm trying to say is I don't write very much anymore. For the most part, I think it's because I have found someone to confide in and no longer need to find an unobtrusive way to express myself. Even more than that, the people/environment I have settled comfortably in does not require, and in fact, rejects, an excess of this magical 'feelings' thing.

Don't get me wrong, I still love to write (not sure why I hesitated before). I love how it all comes so naturally, fluidly when I write as opposed to when I'm forced to speak. For some, I've been told, the same words come either way. But it just seems more effortless for me to string words into sentences when I can pause and think.

The thing is, I've learnt and grown to live so free such that I do not write anymore. Feelings, once an entanglement, a web of afflictions, now are pure and clear and clean, untainted by second guessing. In the most fortunate manner, there's absolutely nothing to write about. I feel that any added scrutiny on my state of mind will only ripple clear waters. I think this is what feelings are meant to be but yet there are books (heck, all of them) with chapters reviewing one character's dilemma. And they are all simultaneously beautiful. Words complicate things, I think. If you have to explain how you feel, it is not a pure emotion anymore. I believe you will get lost in the very words that are meant to help you escape. But perhaps, I must concede, that putting down your feelings in writing can also straighten them out.

But now, I'm blessed with anchors to keep me grounded and true whenever I try to delve into that liminal space of feeling something too much for feelings. And so I do not write as often because there is usually no need to.

Bye!!!!! My (really) non-existent readers. I wonder who still reads this after years of me failing to produce new content oops (I really try!!!) if only you could see my drafts and all the others that don't make the cut (lol usually I just don't know how to end them) heh :p