hmmm.

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Not ~~Le Xuan~~ anymore, i'm afraid.
Not anyone much anymore.

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✏ Reflection..

<$BlogDateHeaderDate $> @ 9:49 PM

I've been really really questioning my existence these few days and idk man why do we exist??? Why was mankind born to fight to the death? Survival of the fittest they call it? Why is our primal instinct to survive? Same goes for animals and anything that moves, really. It all seems like a really bad movie to me; lots of building action for a climax that never really comes. Who said we need to improve? Who said we need to survive even????

Today in intertext we revisited Mr Bleany and Mr Teo said something about the limits of sympathy. And I've recently realised how true that is... Empathy is a myth, children. No one truly understands or will ever truly understand what goes on in your head. Even if technology advances to the point that we are able to see into another, we will never be the other. Isn't that the impenetrability of the human soul? We're all unique and never meant to be understood. That's the irony and sadness of it all. Human conditions are supposed to be universal, and they are. But in this special case, the condition is loneliness so we're all just alone together.

Don't get me wrong I really really do love my family and friends and I think my life is going pretty gr8z; I am content. But idk what sparked off this nagging concern at the back of my head and now it won't go away. Since my parents are Buddhists I know that Buddhism says life is suffering and meditation to enlightenment will get you out of this vicious cycle. But I don't feel like that's what I want to turn to now. Maybe when I'm older and get fresh perspectives... I'm still young and playful, just playful, now and I feel like there is nothing to cure this sickening existence thing.

Wow I really needed to write that down. I've been out of touch for so long my words aren't very apt or refined anymore (vernacular, is it?) but good news is I've picked up reading again and wow I loved it so much and still do.

I think I've adopted a more unashamed confident tone and am more prepared to talk about myself now. I barely remember that too-good-to-be-true self-deprecating hella angelic girl anymore. And I've mostly come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never become her again. But I guess I have to scrub myself up and smothers myself out some places - just cos it's the right thing to do... Sometimes I really don't even know anymore. One day I will look back at this post and nod in agreement to the Singapore dream to be free, and mankind's struggle with our existence. It's so much to take it even I don't understand even until now.

Ok time for a nap bye

✏ Unleashing the Larkin in me

@ 9:26 PM

Why are we thrown on earth and forced to cherish our existence? We didn't ask to be born. Yet now we face the emptiness fear grief of loving and losing.