hmmm.

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Not ~~Le Xuan~~ anymore, i'm afraid.
Not anyone much anymore.

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✏ :C

<$BlogDateHeaderDate $> @ 3:51 PM

I guess I'm just sad (?) that it took me this much to finally understand what I'm doing wrong.

You're not over it if you dig it out once in a while to (tenderly) lick your wounds and blame yourself and others once in a while. You're not over it if you let that negativity germinate in your garden of doubt (you think you have it under control; but no you don't). You're not over it if you are blind to what's happening around you (conscious or not) or that you're hurting everyone with that double-bladed sword. You're not over it if you're still protecting yourself against what you think "cannot" hurt you anymore (then what for, you ask).

I could be thankful that I finally understand, that I can finally stop deluding myself. But it just seems like there's nothing I can apply this new found knowledge on anymore.. nothing that really matters? Though if I didn't understand this, I wouldn't want to have what I once possessed because then I'd just be ignorant and compelled to impose my immature self on the people around me. Why do things work in such a sad, seamless circle?

Why couldn't I have been born fearless or tactless or selfless or careless or something instead of being scared shitless all the time???

It's a hefty price to pay..

✏ Here goes nothing

<$BlogDateHeaderDate $> @ 8:57 PM

I still wish I could run away forever though, to a place where I didn't have to worry about losing about bearing the consequences about not being able to carry it out as planned about not becoming better..

But on the other hand, it feels good to stand tall (ok not very) and face the music I duly deserve. Weird as it sounds I feel a little more.. sure of the universe. In other news it's also the first time I tried to be something else other than a coward.. I just wish I'd have the support but I guess it's too much to ask for now.

I understand it's not possible to be the saint I used to be or have everything back to normal (although clearly I still do hope).. but it's reality and I'll come to terms with it in due time.

When you love yourself too little or too much, it's inevitable you'll end up hurting yourself and the people who matter the most. It's like I just sat in my own bubble and let the negativity seep through the contours of my little brain and cook up some lethal meningitis, then devising my very own defense mechanism of selfishness and ugliness, destined for my own fall.

Also I think it was some saving grace (even though no christian here) that I happened to see that.. it reminded me how important these people are and just the right amount of motivation to get me to finally do it. If I hadn't seen that.. I'd probably take a few more hours to muster up the courage.

It's still terrifying for me (and sadly always will be) but I'm just relieved I haven't added another regret to my already bursting archive (I'm kidding there're only a few but still)..

I really want this to be possible.. Since I clearly can't be all like please don't hurt me I will be good enough so I don't have to.

I'm very thankful.

✏ Too young, too dumb to realise.

<$BlogDateHeaderDate $> @ 12:25 AM

Honestly I never understood the things they say like "why try to be someone else if you can be yourself?" Why shouldn't you try to be someone else if you're a fake mean disgusting mess????? It's terribly difficult to accept the failure I am

It's not one of those posts where I think of something cool and type it possibly to garner some approving likes from the people I barely know. I admit, that happens a little too often hahahaha why am I one of those losers I often snigger at? (No surprise there actually considering the hyprocrite you are) then again, everything is subjective; somedays Miss generosity is unleashed and I let myself get away with everything. But maybe not today.

I actually am wondering. I wonder what made me do things this way, why I don't (can't) act as benevolently as I used to, if happiness expires in due time (or if it already has). What made me turn out this way? (Though I have a hunch I already know the answer) sad but true, spending whole lives asking self rhetorical questions whose answers you already know (damn well).

I have a fetish for exclusivity - the symptoms have been glaring in my face for so damn long it's a wonder how I never noticed. But "the closer you look the less you see right?" quoting a movie I haven't watched.. it's either best or worst, first or last, special or.. nothing. For now it's a habit I have to learn to change.

I think it's embarrassing to be so thoroughly in love with someone who doesn't love you back.

But I think many things.. often with little or no substantiation that's why I'll probably do pretty well at smoking? #haze hahahaha

I also think that I'll end up one of those pompous self-consumed idiots who actually know nothing and abide by nothing more than the smallish thoughts in their smallish brains - possibly about how small other people seem in contrast to themselves. But we all know a big ego is a sign of low self-esteem. (Another baseless claim, but I'm walking evidence, if I do count) Notice how I cannot start with anything other than "I" look at the results showing already...

It's impossible to accept a me you don't.

It's true you'll make time for the things that really matter. Busy is just an excuse. But the fact is.. you know I have so many things I'd like to say but studies (my observations hahaha) have shown if you've nothing better to say, don't say anything at all. The less you reveal the less likely you'd be held against..

If I were to sum my life (as of now) up, it'd probably be as a pencil broken by my own carelessness (I should say stupidity) and put back together again still adapted to my function but flawed now, wrong.

No one knows what is wrong at birth (what is right either). Wrong is a definition of man (as many many many orher things are). Srsly I don't support it (obviously) but I wracked my brains wondering what was wrong with incest other than the fact that it is morally incorrect.. and even then, morally incorrect is a guideline set (again) by man. And you wonder how powerful man is.

We've fallen prey to our own devices (specifically the mind). Best we learn how to control it before it gets out of hand.

You wish you didn't care - it wouldn't matter then, would it? - yet goddamn thankful you still do. Any feeling is better than devoid.

Sigh whatever am I to do with myself

✏ Look at the stars; look how they shine for you

<$BlogDateHeaderDate $> @ 11:18 PM

And everything you do.

Converting to S4 really reduced my tendency to blog from a teeny weeny bit to almost nothing (almost because as you can see here I am now, if this isn't another one of those drafts I give up on halfway...) because my fingers too fat cannot type properly hahahah.

This 4 years in cedar has been a blur, just yesterday uncomfortably fiddling with my hair in the corner to right now still uncomfortably fiddling with my hair maybe a little off the sidelines. So maybe nothing much has changed.. but it has, in fact, it has. I've been thrown into highs even drugs cannot match; heart sinking lows and shown emptiness at its best - the kind of nothing you cannot describe. Though it so happens that if it doesn't shape you, it probably brings you right back where you started. Or course there are the memories too good times bad times - new ones everyday! Things you struggle to remember and things you long to forget. Funny how they're the same things, at times. But there is no in between: if you'd wanted your scars to heal properly you wouldn't keep picking at them. But strange things, people are. Strange. The company counts though, I've met some people who've made the journey worth the while. Words fail where feelings wander.. I know I don't very often tell you all how glad I am to have met yall but when I say it (even when I don't) please believe I mean it as much as I possibly can. And if, just if of course, we so happen to lose touch one day over some tiny ass lame thing, please talk to me first because my pride is usually in the way of going where my heart will follow. Also I'm terrified of rejection you know me. Okaaaay it's getting gross hahahaha

Wish I'd studied last june holiday I wouldn't be panicking and being a failing mugger now I really cannot mug (maybe rob people I can but study no)

Happy birthday daddy (you were born to be a father) cos happy fathers' day too!!! ♡

✏ Where's your hunger?

<$BlogDateHeaderDate $> @ 8:52 AM

I think every single person has the potential to achieve 6 points. The different is how hard you have to work for it, at most. And how far you are from it, at worst.

^what I think will console myself.. and hopefully other people too~ but it's all in the mind, really. It's true anyway; believe me. If they can do it, why can't you? You have to be hardest on yourself because no one else will be.

Don't lose heart guys! There's still time left.

Anyway I need to find some way to lose weight I'm breaking the scale