Look. Ant colony invaded my drawer of letters and presents... And memories.

Screening through the load, I can safely say there isn't a single person whom I am closer to now than before, back when we still corresponded with (what seems childish now) letters. And it's funny, isn't it? You'd think friendships become stronger overtime if both parties overcome certain challenges together. And I do agree, not about to overturn that century-long belief now because it's true. But it's just... Maybe we haven't completely solved anything. Maybe I haven't done anything successfully to salvage anything. I really pity everyone who's had the bad luck to become my friend, yknow? I don't say this to make myself feel better (ok maybe to a certain extent that's all I'm good at anyway lol) but it just strikes me as ridiculous how I could've taken a 180 degree turn for the worse over a span of a year or so. It's just.. Such a bloody joke to me.

Don't get me wrong, I really do love the people I love. It's just that I've been an absolutely undeserving prick and I have no clue how anyone can be accepting of me at all. I'm judgmental. I'm arrogant. I'm ungrateful. What more (less) could you possibly ask for?

I think I used to have alot of principles, big or small, serious or stupid alike. I didn't know it then, but it was perhaps what shaped me, what held my character together. But I let it slip then drip then leak away all together. I let "lazy" become "irresponsible", "take a break" become "slacking", "nevermind" become "I don't care" and guilt over nothing become indifferent to everything. It's like I'm still here but lousier, not whole and possibly just a cheap rip-off from who I used to be. I would still give everything to get myself back, yknow? But nothing of the sort is going to happen, none of the people I've hurt are going to heal miraculously and scars still fester every now and then.

One thing that could've changed everything is if I were never ashamed of dreaming.

Thankful I didn't decide to wipe out my memories with the ants.

P/S: the funniest (funny strange not funny haha) and saddest thing is the people who I've had maybe the most letters with I don't even talk to / acknowledge anymore. That's how ironic life is, kids. Please treasure your loved ones as I failed to do so with mine.

Originally thought the run would suck and we'd spend happy time recuperating at pasta mania with a movie to watch and tau huay to eat but lo and behold.. Life is funny.

So I reached at like 7.20am and Mr Tan looked a bit angry whoops (he hates me sigh).. Almost immediately whisked off to the starting point (although it starts at 8.30am idek why) so scaredsy at first cos our stamina sucks!!!! Then we ran and felt like dying hahaha but we did it yayzers! So here's the beginning of the horrible day:

1. Jar's name wasn't there in the top 20 list although she was definitely faster than some others. Ran around for a bit before we solved the problem (thankfully)
2. Top 20 no shoe bag this year!!!!!!!!! :(
3. Went to tampines mall for lunch + movie. Subway for jar and they didn't give the scratch and win thing we we had to climb up and down a flight of stairs to get it..
4. Rest of us went to pasta mania for some seafood Tom yum which tasted horrible even after we asked them to fry it again (taste is still sick in my mouth not to mention Azrin puked) plus their mushroom soup is lumpy.
5. Chased jar out cos her food is not halal so she couldn't even eat with us.
6. Couldn't get the student's price 20% off cos we ate at 1.41pm instead of 2!!!!!!!
7. Stopped just before we went into the cinema to check our I/Cs even though we were already sold the tickets after showing them our cards. Turns out they check by month not year and we couldn't enter. Plus we already bought one entire popcorn hotdog nachos combo for the movie. Initially they wanted to change a movie for us but everything was either watched or in Chinese or too late. Finally they refunded the tickets and after much argument on trini's part, the food as well.
8. Went to GV to try for a movie - they didn't even have student price.

Ironically the best part of the day was the run. We improved in position and timing! :-)

Everyday I end up tired and tired and yea but I really love the kids why are we so squarishhhhhh heeeeheeeeeeeeeee. And a shout out to AA (that's angsty Azrin) who could not join us today :B

We seriously nua together all the time we need to buck up!!!!!!! On a contradictory note, the movie was really damn funny omg hahahaha~~

Sure as hell I'm going home to doomsday sigh I wonder on the scale of nonchalant to hopping-burst-a-blood-vessel-mad which degree my mum is on???? I don't want to find out man..

What I'd like to do for the rest of my life, hands down, is read.

One thing I don't like about lit is characterization. Somehow I can never get it right. I can only make the most superficial assumptions about the persona's personality even though I've really been identifying with the character through out the story. I think it just doesn't make sense to classify characters under a certain type of emotional habit, or to brand them with a mix of different characteristics. I mean, every single character is as the writer portrays them to be. They weren't made up to be specifically "smart", "witty", "insecure", "quiet" or all of it together at once. They just are the way they are because of environmental factors or human relationships throughout their lives. I like lit because it's about analyzing the story, the characters and the theme, but I don't like how there are specific answers at times, how the character is deemed to be like this because of this subconscious habit he has an any other interpretation would be "reading too much into it". What if that was just the way the author had wanted it to be, murky and undefined? What if he was meant to be unorthodox? Sometimes I find it hard to grapple with the fact that a humanity can be so scientific.

Good books make you feel like you've taken something away with it's ending, like it's given you some hope with doing something better with your life, even if it has nothing to do with your ambition. That's why I think there's so much beauty in words... How the most impactful sentences can be nothing more than two words. Like this. Also why I don't like fairy tales probably has something to do with it's impracticality (like duh). I don't think books with happy endings make much sense either. Rather it is those with more subtle conclusions that have a more realistic quality. Of course, some people read to delve into fantasy because the real world is sometimes too harsh and just, real. If so, please do not mind my own selfish opinions and you have every right to laugh at my lack of empathy...

Just finished The Chrysalids by John Wyndham and thought of all this rubbish because I know I will sure as hell be at a lost if I were to be asked to characterize David or Rosalind, worse still, Petra (honestly I can't think of anything other than annoying). It's one of those books where you have to hold on a little longer to really get into it (in this case, didn't have much of a choice, fortunately and unfortunately). Provides a new perspective as to what is the true image, I think. But I'll save it for a lit essay, in case I start on some incoherent droning...

Time for some homework from other subjects I don't particularly like :(