Feeling worse and worse about myself lol how come I never realised how self centered I actually am

I feel like the more I train the weaker I get

Orientation was very expectedly a waste of time but surprisingly.. Good too :-) I think the OICs did a really good job and the class first I/Cs as well. I feel bad cos I think I didn't really show great attitude or anything..... I rmb quite a few times I accidentally let slip something I don't like/am not satisfied with about the events and all to get some awkward stares.. I know better than to blurt it all out like that but I've lost the passion for being enthusiastic out of nowhere and I secretly hope they can improve on it in future... Sigh am a totally horrible PSL I'm just trying to cover for myself here :/ it's just..... I've learn how to step out of my comfort zone and all to approach people but if I had a choice I'd rather not I'm really a scaredy cat secretly ya >< anw I think the overload of manpower led to some welcome (and inevitable) lepaking heheheh. #welfaretableforever hahaha. I do regret not taking some pictures.. But good thing our last event was memorable :->

I haven't felt like "I want to get close to you" in a long time. I think it's quite a.. Rare but cool feeling. Such friendships are usually stronger than normal but they're others which are undoubtedly better. Still it's fascinating ;)

Feels like there's everything to do but there nothing to do yknow?

Finally starting on the rest of my work after thoroughly wasting the past 5 days spazzing/watching 幕后花絮 for in time with you.......... What am I doing really.

Oh enjoying myself yeah enjoying myself. But it's a horrible excuse to have wasted my entire holiday and the worst habit I have to 戒掉. I should regret this more than I am. I can't believe we're going to be sec 4 in a week's time I AM NOT READY. I'm not even running away from the fact because it hasn't even dawned on me yet. Diagnostic's on the first day, I've heard. Freaking out freaking out freaking out mentally but not physically doing anything (as usual). So tired of myself giving myself chances that I'm not tired anymore I'd like to 顺其自然 but then again I'm pretty sure nothing will happen. How, how you tell meeeeee?? It's okay I guess you have your own things to worry about.

Maybe I'll get into the mood once we step down? Thinking about it now, I'll be relieved I'll finally renounce the pressure of being in a team sport only to devolve into another kind of stress. You cannot imagine I personally think it's one of the most mentally strenuous things ever. Even more so, I'll miss it so so so much......... Never being able to play with the kids on court again, I don't want to imagine haha. (don't even know if I have the chance, that is) Just 2 more holiday trainings T-T Sigh I want to grow up but I don't ever want to age :-(

Btw I went shopping yesterday as much as I dislike it~~~~ and I finally got some new clothes (YAY) can't wait to go out with some people so I can at least show them off (hehe).

Do you know you lose your strength the moment you allow yourself weakness? I've realised this too late. I detest weakness. Sadly it feels like something I've become accustomed to, or maybe I was never strong. It's difficult to revert back to anything, really.

Have you ever met a person so nice you don't fully believe their complete lack of ill regard to anyone? I think it's human nature to disbelieve such surreal things or it might just be meanness. I think it's easier to think I was never nice :)

I think in time with you will remain my favourite drama for a long long long time. The plot is really good, really. And I love every single song!!! All the 插曲s and 主题曲s........ Also it reminds me of the first time I watched I was spazzing with boob haha. I wonder if she still reads this? Probably not.

So many things I wanted to do during the holidays AFTER I finished up with my homework but that category becomes invalid since I can't even finish my hmwk yea.......... There's so much time but there's no time left hahahaha

Actually kinda wish the world ended yesterday but no such luck ya so time to move on with life.

Watched in time with you again sigh it's really good still really good it's like the perfect perfect story I wish I'd written........... I don't think I'll be able to fall in love with just anybady now I need to find a guy best friend secretly love him~~~~~ just kidding! But seriously.

Anyway just 16 days to sec 4 left and what's standing in between and more freedom is the large pile of barely touched homework but I can't say I don't thoroughly enjoy this holiday~ having lots of fun with my social triangle (square!) yeah and it kinda literally feels like nothing else matters oh well heh. 2 more weeks to an entire year of slogging. I could've used this time wisely to buck up but.......... It's too late now ain't it? I choose not to regret :-)

Anyway, December 21st in two days. I remember when I first read about the world ending and getting so so so worked up over it because I sincerely believed it true. But I soon realised it's the same anyhow, maybe the life I'm living is the fullest, I might never know. What I do know is that I'm quite pleased :)

Someone mentioned yesterday that I used to chiong into MRT trains if I could to get home as early as possible (I mean seriously) and looking back now, I've really had what you call a 沧海桑田 change (?) ok maybe not, I'm exaggerating. But as someone else said, it could just be me. I think I used to be nice, genuinely nice (I still believe so [i at least know myself this much ok]) and now I've gotten meaner~ maybe it's fate maybe it's just.... Inevitable, that's what change is anyway~

It's my sister's birthday today :-) as much as I don't say it I do love her I guess. Happy birthday mei you will never see this but it's ok~~ I hope you study hard and don't become as playful as me. I'm not exactly a 好榜样 anymore but yea :b the two little ones are my cousins heh. (and my sis is actually really pretty unlike me)

This is a happy post~ I know because I composed it in a few minutes therefore the content is as true as true can be :D

On a random note, my ankles are really useless I sprained it again today playing match ugh I really hope I get in or...................... I don't know. But I just find it funny how my mum thinks I might become crippled one day it's just a sprain mum..

Bye :3

Went to USS the other day with the bear since it's her birthday :B reached there at 9 even though it opened at 10 ohwell better be kiasu than... Idk :P went by monorail! Pretty sure I haven't taken that thing before~ anyway, after much consultation with the other kids we decided to conquer our worst fears first luh, the BSG red and blue!!!! Human and Cylon (duh) D: stuffed our things into the free lockers (thank goodness they don't rip your money off on everything at least) and daringly went for human first. Didn't have time to reconsider what we were in for really, before we knew it we were bundled up locked tight into the front seats............... And launched. Honestly wasn't as scary as I thought it'd be! Or maybe I've gotten braver (cues applause hehe) :D yup but we conquered it tho the kid was rather scared since it was her first roller coaster (yea her best record was the kids one in escape)~~~ and we were first on human cos our photo was 01! Went for cylon next... It's.......... No joke. Ok much less of a joke. Goes upside down five times but it's worth it. It's the most worthy ride in the whole theme park :> went on transformers and mummy next! Both were fine for me but she really enjoyed the transformers thought that Optimus prime was only talking to her tsk tsk. Yup so within the first hour we did everything worth doing :b food was expensive (duh) $13.80 boooo :-( lazy to elaborate anymore but here are some pictures and ohoh!! See that girl's hair??? Omg so pretty leh.. Yea spent quite some time trying to secretly get a good pic~ anyway we went for all the attractions so yup it was rather enjoyable :))))) oh saw me lee and his girlfriend too! (Wife??) and Joan and gang too haha :)

Sigh it feels damn nice to nua everyday but there's barely anytime left can I just not go to school anymore :D no...... Sighzaaa~ and B'div is in about a month still can't believe it. Jiaolian's picking people and honestly quite worried here..

I'd better start being better.

Boring post about my rather unhappening life yea.

 Went to ion ytd did something at least phew.. With the bunny and met the bear hahaha. I am friends with the zoo :B anyway the bunny has a sexayye voice and the bear was well doing some bear-like spazzy things about some haylor..

And went karaoke today with the kids!! Surprise went well (she was surprised) haha and of course she liked the present too~ on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most tone deaf, I think she is an 11 :P broke 2 glasses (quite guilty) and drained all my brainjuice belting the high notes (and failing obviously) but other than that, it was rather good :D felt like the first official outing in eons~ absolutely no clue how to motivate myself for training tomorrow sigh how :( PSB chalet after that, made it clear I went for the food hehe. They are fun as always tho :) had about 8 chicken wings which is 480 cigarettes according to a little bird.. Going to die of cancer boooo.

I live to eat and laugh.

P/S: still in need of some way to break it to my mum that I'm going USS this Saturday..

The past is likened to a cup.

Filled with joy and sorrow, the fraying line between what makes you and what breaks you is ever so faint. Every time you walk down memory lane, you drink a bit of your pain for a fleeting moment of happiness. Red bull gives you wings; this glass makes you think. Memories, as the word itself suggests, is a bunch of good and bad times. Once you've broken things off with whoever, your cup cannot be refilled. The drink depletes with every sip. The taste intensifies at the very end, then fades into bland. No matter how many chugs you take, it is but plain water. It no longer renders you drunk and senseless. It no longer has any effect on you. You straggle to delve into the murky waters, the 'in between' again because you have come to become "addicted to a certain kind of sadness". But it will not take you. You have taken too much of the poison that your body has produced the antidote. This is no place for you anymore. Where to? Anywhere but here. Move on. It is a conclusion; there has been no decision to make. Move on.

My cup is close to empty.

COALs finally over, but I have to say it was rather worth all the prep~ Falcon :) instructor ishu is migratingggg D:

It's December but I just want to slack forever gahh. Whatever happened to studying and doing my homework and becoming smarter and improving and work before play and changing.

I guess it starts now.