I think the coast is clear I shall unlock thy blog.

Not that I have much to say but.. 24 hours. Feels like I've grown up some, so much, too little.

I think there is no end to a train of thought. Somehow it keeps going on an endless path, littered with rocks, struck with veering off course. The only way out is to stop and evacuate.

Hope you'll be happy. Anything else seems rather irrelevant at the moment.

G'night heh tmr will be.. Another day.

This is why i hate talking to my mum, but also why i love her.

Thank you mummy i really needed that :')

Wish I was allowed to feel whatever I feel.

I don't understand how people can become anorexic I mean doesn't the idea of an insatiable appetite just put you off? Well hat's off to them, because I sure as hell can't do it.

In fact I eat. And I eat a lot such that I am almost never hungry. But of course this comes with a million side effects I guess what with the extra weight and impending health problems maybe.

But I can't help it. It's release, somewhat. Over consumption doesn't exactly feel great but it does something, I'm sure. Do you get that wobbly uneasy nervous nausea at the pit of your stomach sometimes?? I do and it doesn't make me feel like eating but I just eat. It's like I'm spiting myself for nothing or trying to stuff myself to death (wish I could starve myself but no).

I don't know what to do all I can do is eat.

Argh whatever let me just stop whining bye

P/S: Hope I was of help, btw :3 everything will be fine.

If you feel like an adventure, buy a movie ticket and sneak into another movie. It's the most exhilarating thing ever, I swear!

Ok maybe not. But still~ snuck into perks today with the kids!!!! Bought tix for the dinosaur project initially cos well it was the only one with the appropriate time.. But I was bored to tears I swear jar was still interested Sia!! Heh but I was quite afraid to change movies cos I've never done it before my main concern was getting caught.. But we did anyway and I quickly ran into hall 7 hehe and being the super accurate me~ it was P E R K S eheheh. Been influenced by the lit kids..

Though here's your #factoftheday: I borrowed perks thrice and didn't finish on all three occasions.. (I mean barely started) something about the cover attracted me but I think the writing doesn't appeal to me so........... Sigh go on, I give you permission to be a judgemental prick.

On a random note, F9 for A maths. Somehow excitement is all I feel weirdly. But it's bad and it's bad.

Only one A2 from an extra subject. I'm supposed to realise something is wrong no buts this time or I'll fall into hopeless.

Talk with cikgu and ishu like a breakup haha but it's really sad. People tell you just drop or just continue.. Somehow there is love towards that subject and apprehension it's mixed up and pretty confusing it's not so easy. I hope I made the right choice.

I need to find something to push me I need a boost and a permanent one too.. Bye!

I have never done this before..

But it was rather worth it although didn't get to go out (I mean for the love of god don't tell me the special canteen menu was worth the wasted hours doing an NE project?) went out with my mum though hehe. But I'm pretty damn sure I will somehow manage to ooze guilt out of "I was sick" tomorrow because that's how pathetic a liar I am sigh. Anyway I think I'm coming down with a bout of food poisoning (I have no idea from what..) but it might just be 心理作用..

Plus I am completely whatever-the opposite-is-of-stoked for training tomorrow........... Sigh we haven't trained for so long and I feel the physical fitness of a 40 year old single living-alone office worker. How how how this is going to be bad >:

On the even darker side, I just can't seem to get rid of this nagging feeling that something even worse is bugging me. It's just.. This mildly nauseous sick at the bottom of my gut, unsettled. Keeps trying to erupt with every insecurity eew haha I hate the word insecurity. Sounds disgusting and weak (new favourite word: disgusting)

"谎言扁了一遍又一遍; 骗得过就是真的骗不过就是假的." Haha something from 千方百计~ it's true isn't it, we're living in a web of lies.

Bye haven't done Chinese shitzles :-(

I will never forgive myself.

When you're in a room full of people on the phone you listen to the laughs overlapping the words melting together the awkward pauses standing out louder than the conversation. It's a nice feeling just sitting there watching observing absorbing but you want to speak eventually god knows why and you realise nobody heard you anymore you call out tap their shoulders kick their chairs. Still they are oblivious. You are indignant at first. You don't understand why they don't respond to you - why? You try but it embarrasses you. This utter disregard; it humiliates you. So you stop. It's not important, you think. I don't have anything good to say anyway, they probably expected it so it's okay.

It is this oblivion that has you suffocated - shallow breaths, heaving chest - and nauseous. This suppression forces your words back there, back to where they came from back to nothingness, forces you to unthink your thoughts unweave your story unwind your top.

Nothing said, nothing lost; or is it?

Not ours yet, thankfully. Although it serves as a reminder how soon our time will come. And yes, that scares me.

Quite regret not taking pictures/giving our seniors anything ah :-( seniors are really really nice and I (we!) all feel thankful to have them :)))) going to miss gummy especially.. Honestly honestly never thought I'd really miss anyone that much but now I know, now I know.. I can already feel it aishhh :/

And if I don't sort out everything by exactly a year from now.. I'll definitely regret. Even if there's nothing to say, nothing to do. I hope all my friendships will be as strong and transparent as diamond (weird ass analogy but oh well) I feel like I'm going to miss everyone so much already... :(

And our teachers I really pray we'll get them all again next year 😔🙏 all of them, really. Couldn't have asked for a better bunch of people in terms of character, though probably not teaching for some heh.

People you should treasure are those who make you feel like rainbows where all you want to be is leprechaun poop. Don't lose sight of these people, you'll regret it.

Always on the verge of snapping and giving up, giving in but never being able to. It's not a question of pride anymore it's an inability and I'm sorry to myself for having waited so long and still continuing to wait. God knows what I should do or if I should do anything at all when there's clearly nothing to do.

I don't think doing anything would do much of anything but still I feel a need to do something.

It feels unsettling. I feel like I'm acting when there's clearly no need to I don't think there is a need to feel like this but I just do why why why I feel apprehensive and uneasy about nothing. Rule of thumb is if you don't admit it it doesn't exist but the way I run away from my feelings sometimes...... Utterly laughable. A battle? No, too vigorous and draining. More like an arduous journey. Something more subtle and tedious not to mention torturous but still.

Sometimes I wonder if we create tumulus meanders only to try to get about them. People are funny things. If there is no challenge, they have to find one. If there is no pain, they have to stab themselves (hahaha bad analogy). Hotcakes and syrup only tastes sweeter when you've had your share of burnt toast.

Though sometimes it is only until an inextricable state that you realise it is a wrong path. But of course, no turning back, because that is simply not a choice.

It's like rain on your wedding day; it's a free ride when you've already paid.

It's a fear of riding a bike after you've fallen down the stairs.
It's a mindless circle you diligently retrace.
It's your favorite food, lacking in taste.
It's an awkward smile when someone gives up their seat to you seeing you swollen with child.
It's comfort in a smell you can't put our finger to.
It's exhaustion after doing nothing the entire day.
It's neutralisation of an acid and a base.
It's phobia of losing face.
It's the essence of a certain kind of pain.
It's expectation in disappointment.
It's an inability to express despite having so much to say.
It's having feelings in spite of yourself.

Too often we think our lives are accumulation of our mistakes. What if they were meant to turn out this way? What if we are living in the most well-thought out journeys, or the most fortunate parallel universe there is (if you believe in parallel universes, that is). What if everything we are doing is merely abiding the regulation of life? There is no such thing as changing your destiny, neither is there fate. We can only make choices, not decisions. Ideas are coming like gushing water but we can only watch a leaking tap. There is a life, and we are tasked to see it through.

"We teach kids to consume, but expect them to co-produce." Something that might set you thinking?