The skies are clear and the air is still.

I am feeling thankful today. nothing in particular just a mild blessed feeling I suppose is a good one. Wasted today wanted to go home sleep actually......... But I suppose it turned out good :) will need to visit the library way more often.

So relaxed today that I barely realise it has only been 2.5 papers and there are 7.5 more to go.. My life needs a little restructuring; my mind some refurbishing. But the soul is fine, the house is fine. That's what matters no?

Thank you loved ones for making this life a more pleasant ride. So tired so so tired on a simple physical level though, something curable with some sleep, at least. And the last dash for the finish next week maybe? If only I had the resilience sometime ago.

And here's one of the things I would die for no doubt.

What is the most about 1128 is how inadequate it makes me feel about, possibly, the only thing I am remotely proficient at. Makes me study for it like a foreign language (Chinese maybe haha). Makes me so want to scream.

I'm terrified, yknow?

Burns out quickly.

Hmm you know the feeling when you are sure a friendship is moving on to deeper waters. It's a nice feeling, one of my favorites. Scares me too, actually. In a literal sense it's a lot like boating. Definitely more thrilling with greater risks and all but easier to drown yea?

English EYE in 2 days, yknow? 2 days. I'm in this state of controlled fear. I can let it go but I don't think being delirious would be much of a help, really. I can choose to disregard, but that'd just bring me back to nonchalant square one I've struggled so much to get out from. So yeah, releasing a daily dose of pressure everyday might help.

You know what is nauseating? Smokers are disgusting. An ungracious society is disgusting. Competitiveness, selfishness, hypocrisy is disgusting. Superficiality is disgusting. Oversensitivity is disgusting. Oily food is disgusting. The word disgust is disgusting. Weakness is disgusting. Nonchalance is disgusting. People are disgusting. Children are disgusting. Infatuation is disgusting. A narrow mind is disgusting. Mediocrity is disgusting. Fats are disgusting. Procrastination and laziness is disgusting. Pettiness is disgusting. Looking down on other people is disgusting. Over reliance is disgusting.

I'm disgusting. But you know what? So are you. Our generation is beyond revolting.

It's getting to me, our world is.

I don't think you're supposed to angst up all the time. It's unhealthy, not to mention unbelievably weak. But it sure as hell feels better than suppressing anger all the time.

Been rather angsty of late. Over stupid things like weight and too much work and what not. There's so much to do and I just get all tensed up and pissed off at myself for being such a failure but it's not contributing to any improvement at all. Rather, it's hindering my progress sigh. So exhausted everyday from doing virtually nothing. How to start chionging like a mugger?? I really cannot ah seriously.

On a higher note, it was really really really good to crap with stephy ytd heh :) She is so so so talented, that girl is. Ah well shall stop boosting her ego in case she sees this heh. And have been spending more time with the bunny which is a good thing :) But productivity is forever negative with her.. Should've gone to study with jar today cos that would've been productive (not to mention yummy too) but had to take IC photo.. Mafan one leh~ going to make it tmr finally! Might meet rosy there haha.

Who I am who I am who I ammmmm.

Short and contentless post. Shall start work now.. there's so much to do I can't imagine /sigh. Only 3 weeks more, until I can be completely disappointed with myself again. But also 3 more weeks to finally being able to relax and catch up (hopefully) without much rush. And maybe a picnic, jacket, karaoke and definitely some yoghurt ;) nothing much goes on in my life but drama i honestly overrated I wouldn'[t choose anything else.

Also, seriously considering dropping MSP.. but I can't bear to. Sigh. Oh and you know some little things that happen to inject a surge of faith? Had one of those today, am thankful :-)

Bye fluffies.

I'm really thankful for my parents.. For being one of those few people who can stand my.. Irresponsibility.

IC photo by tomorrow and at 8pm I still dilly-dallied around believing in the non-existent mass of time I had (sigh). But too ugly to take a photo today anyway I think I'm allergic to the facial wash or something D; rashes all over my face aish. Anw although they nagged and scolded me for my horrible habits.. My parents (ok my mum, my dad gave up) spent 2 hours trying to print the picture with perfect dimensions and what not. Honestly all I've heard of is of parents who get impatient after maybe say 4 imperfect photos, parents who ask their children to go to photo booths.. Why am I so lucky??

Somedays I get really annoyed at my mum cos she's been picking on me more lately.. Ah well it's probably cos I've been horrible but sigh. I really love them and mummy's birthday in 5 days?? Haven't gotten/made anything sigh what to do D;

On a side note.. Team jacket (?) excited hehehfksncskgnskcnksnfkscn. And printed extra pictures cos got extra space and oh gosh #ukwithdrawal this is one of the fewer places I can safely guarantee the intensity of the greenness of grass.

"the grass is greener on the other side"

Actually stalking myself has some pretty good effects heh...... I am actually remotely funny sometimes :-) and I am most probably not anyone difficult just a teenager with a blog and dreams bigger than the world? (ok maybe not) but it sure as hell feels good to write. It's enjoyment, really. Anw if you do read my blog please take everything I say with a pinch of salt somedays I choose to be incoherent more than anything..

Not very productive today.. Lo and behold, 13 days to EYEs. English sigh English.. So so so many topics to go through, yknow? But today I don't feel like blaming our education system.. Going to blame myself for once. Honestly I don't like pushing the buck yknow I think it's really.. Unbecoming. But it's probably a problem to think everything is your fault too? (one of the reasons for my high maintenance, actually) maybe I am just yearning for something better like everyone else.

Feels like a good talk to someone now.. About anything everything nothing? Truthfully I am as terrified of commitment as.. Yelping in fear at a scalding kettle (does this make sense hahaha) it's a scary thought, isn't it.

And I had one of those random "feel like embracing world" moments again today.. Alongside "want to strangle everything" it's a phase I guess as much as I hate classifying anything hmm.

Somedays like today my words get too definite too judgmental I try to stop myself but too late it's becoming a habit.. It's possible but. I can guarantee this is going to trail off into nothing.. Right about.. Now.

With a flick of her sleeves, she was gone.

Hello there.



So. It's been a while huh? Hi :B

EYEs are creeping.. crawling.. (no actually they're running straight towards us at full speed..) 15 days. F I F T E E N days. nearly 14 now. and all that's left is just.. nothing. it's a scary thought to be left behind. Sometimes I get these random panicky moments and I get so annoyed at myself for being so slow but.. almost convinced that can't be helped. Had 36 things to do this holiday and truth to be told sadly, I am contented with completing 15. Sigh jade sigh. This is you now. That was you before. Now now nowwwww. And of course that's the least of why I haven't been posting. Wouldn't give up talking to myself a little while for some physics nope.

Stop it. You're in public. This is not the time. Then again, when is the time? It is surprisingly easy to laugh it off as it is to erupt into tears. The words catch in your throat; not that there is anything to say but.. Maybe a sound. It is worming its way up your windpipe. It's uncomfortable. All around, people mill about. How do they do it? How can they get on with knowing there is nothing there. Maybe it is just you though, you're too weak. The silence is thunderous now. You bite your lip to stop it quivering. Go home, to the comfort of your room and.. Judging glances cast around, eye contact is inadvisable. Finally, some air. It is there again. A ball of angst just gliding its way up your throat - most torturous way possible - threatening to destruct. In the quiet of the night, you break.

What rubbish is that ugh. My english is so bad i can't even.

Anyway I've been thinking and it is really a gift to be able to tweak your perspective to match others'. I can't do it. Especially when you're too defensive, too caught up in your echo that you can't hear the hushed tones. We are all like that, face it. Even if, even if, you can change your viewpoint, you must first have your own. Because we are so keen on convincing others to see our point, we fail to see theirs. It's a two way thing, rather. Here's the thing though. We act on what we think. Most of the time, we don't act on how other people think we should act. There is a mismatch in idea that's why there's give and take. Everytime you force it upon yourself to act the way someone else would expect you to act, that's a give. And people, no matter how noble, cannot give all the time. Humans are only human. Overtime, this creates a region of hydrostatic pressure (no i'm kidding) and tension and booooooom. End of exchange.

I really really really hate how constricted I feel writing. I feel like this word is not good enough. This sentence is not nice enough. I am not good enough.

Finally, I really hate opening up to people haha. Not that I've only just realised this.. but it has never been much of an issue until i thought about it again... (i am really tired now can i stop here) it takes two hands to clap and I've always thought I was the one clapping but I'm not actually doing anything at all. But do you know how bloody hard it is for me to tell you something without me constantly judging myself? I've become so self centered but i just can't.............. shit floating back into incoherece i give up bye.