honestly? I have never cried so hard in my life before.

actually i do like reading blogs of people my age. not exactly an obsession with what you're eating today, what you're wearing but more of how you think (and how you write, of course. i judge secretly like other human being)

i think being able to write well is more of a bonus than a requirement for good work. how you think and what you think is actually what matters. how you write, is well, just an outlet of better expression. This being said though, only applies to your first language because no matter how i try, my chinese is no where near impressive sigh. (or it could just be an excuse for my incompetence, again) In addition i think being able proficient in your first language is no where near amazing. Our world sets a rather high standard and that includes being coherent in something you ue every other day. So no points there, but it is still quite a bonus hmm. Being fluent in 2 or more languages, however, is the real challenge (hence translators are being paid so much). So yeah, never be content with what you have or what you are now, always aim to be better (what our world has taught us). Quite a bad link but yup that's a fact too.

Anyway, have been thinking about it this few days and I realise (and finally admit) that I have a severe lack of friends. Yes, I do know quite a few people, but will I (can I) really go to them in times of need? Then there are the friends i've lost because of well.. me and my issues bahahaha. Wrong time, wrong turns, wrong feelings sigh. Come back to me? Honestly I wonder how many people i will keep in touch with after graduation. (it's nearer than you think, now that's scary.) And i can't help but feel so alone. I'm not exactly depressed by the thought but I was wondering (seriously considering) making more friends.. I mean the close friends, not the type you have to constantly try to be funny around. Then again it's 3 years in and i'm not much of the social butterfly here i can't maintain an intelligent engaging conversation without trying too hard sometimes.. (i can only seem like it)

Then again, look how i'm going on like I own the world and everyone wants to be my friend LOL. maybe I really am not a good friend at all :-( maybe I need more fun and joy and some confidence anyone up? Hah I knew it I'm too high maintenance, aren't I? I'm going to die alone.. aren't I? If the presently negligible group of good friends I have somehow manage to drift away from me.. I might as well withdraw my application in society. The rate I'm posting on this blog is saddening.. it means I'm sitting at homegetting fat instead of going out and doing something with people.

Maybe I'm boring. I don't have a favourite band or movie or book or anything. I'm not into anything.. O_O sigh boring me is boring :-( Can someone interesting just come along into my life and be my fun?? Haha that's funny if they were really interesting, they'd be with other interesting people because birds of a feather flock together....? Sigh.

At the end of all this I think I'm just jeopardising my social life with my worrywart nature.. Usually the harder you look, the less likely you are to find something. So feel free to knock on my door anytime I offer friendship services :-)

Once again I have managed (successfully) to sound like a desperate creeper.

P/S: more evidence I am a creepy kid: when I read people's blogs I always think they're talking about me (ego much) when they're obviously not/I'm not close to them/ even better I don't know them at all..

Rock Climbing today & i climbed to the top for once hehehe! 12m yay! :D Think it'll be a very different feeling the next time? Once you clear something there's a certain unexplained motivation (obviously) heh. Anw had lunch with the kids for like 3 hours (as usual) hahaha sogurt's become a saturday ritual.. and saturday being my cheat day........ #pigforlyfe.. Lenas with mum and dad for dinner oh gosh and it wasn't that bad until my daddy insinuated a horlicks milkshake i think that thing had more calories than my whole meal put together.. and you know how i am with food with stuff inside; it's like digging for treasure. Drank half the cup sigh one of my life's biggest regrets will always be not fattening my sister up with more food..

So my mum mentioned something in passing about how it's impossible to make the 'right' decisions because obviously, you wouldn't know if they were the right decisions until you make them, would you?

And I do agree. Firstly you can never be absolutely sure what the 'right' decision is. Things work out differently for everyone, at every different interval of our lives. If you calculated the probability or the exact same thing happening to the same person at a different time, it's probably be negative infinity or somesort (just trying to sound like i actually know what i'm talking about here please don't mind me) Then we rule out the chances of learning from our mistakes too. So you make a wrong decision, fine. You reflect and promise yourself not to commit that same mistake again. What are the chances of you being teleported into the past and choosing the right path instead of the left, the sandwich instead of the steak, Poly instead of JC.. (you know what i'm getting at) What are the odds of you repeating your past? Literally zero. And then what is the point of making the 'right' decisions all the time? Do we really exist to avoid the pain of being wrong? If so, the human race is a failure, really.

Here's what i'd do. If i encounter the same situation by any chance, i'd make the wrong decision again. Who's to say the wrong decision won't be the right one this time? Since you already know what you'd end up with if you'd made the right decision, why not make the wrong one again? (i realise this sentence does cancel itself out somehow) Take a chance bro. Since your mistakes define you, choose your mistakes. You can't regret your regrets if you choose to regret can you? (yup i am whirring into incoherent mode please start ignoring me and delete this crap out of your mind)

I conclude this post to be a failure because I have lost the mood. Cheers to turning effects of forces~

Emaths and physics today? Hope I don't screw up I don't think there's any room left to fail.

Then again who else can I blame if I don't know how to do a single question later on..

Sigh how to get out of this vicious cycle?

Didn't finish my hmwk again no surprise there. Wasted my weekend again no surprise there. Am a failure no surprise there.

Went to Azrin's for hari raya yesterday heh. Played bball with the kids first heh so tiringzxc but quite fun lah :3 then went to change oh gosh my jean cannot pull up one. Finally ate at azrin's house and slacked for like 2 hours whoops whatever happened to doing hmwk.. Ohoh i tell you her cousin so cute come and kiss our hands leh! :b And then mum had to pick me up to go eat and get some indigestion D; sighz.

That was in the morning~ day turned out pretty fine I think :) training was fun sorta I need to improve but it's so impossible trololol~ sigh 4 tests in the next 2 days.. Quite a productive night considering I actually did some work for once hahahah. Maybe I should just continue??? I'm not tired anw and scared later sleep already cannot wake up in time D:::::::::::::: or I can just sleep.. I realise I sound really different from how I did a few days ago a month ago and some years ago.. I don't think I was any cooler then than I am now... Oh wellz.

Ok bye :3

Sometimes i'm glad i'm such a paranoid idiot because it means my insecurities aren't reality.

If you could look into my mind, you'd laugh and wonder how I even formulate such baseless thoughts. But like all other experiences, this has taught me something. Rather, I have learnt something. Just as the quote goes, "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." I believe in the opposite. Never allow someone to be your option while allowing yourself to be their priority. Because it hurts, and people tend to drop a lighted match faster than you can say "fire". Things are going well at the moment, I think. I am thankful that I am learning every step of the way.

:-)



Week's over feels like it's cursed, really. You wouldn't believe how the stupid English TA affected our whole class. Not just that, of course..

Shame is when you do something wrong and the guilt rushes up your cheeks and you turn red. Embarrassment is when you are humiliated and the want to escape rushes up your face as red. It's all one to me, honestly.

Hey, I was just wondering if you will regret your decision? Because I'm pretty damn sure I will look back one day and regret this day. We are at the point of no return now there's no turning back, it seems. On second thought maybe you wouldn't regret after all. Regardless, I would like to apologize for all the pain we have caused you. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. It wasn't meant to be a personal attack.. Guilt and shame were eating me up alive felt like I was running a fever that day. Kept wondering if I really were a two-faced bitch. Honestly fake is the last thing I'd want to be. It's not nice being called fake. Finally I would really like to applaud your strength. It isn't easy against more people and it definitely wasn't fair. So here we are now, ceasefire coldwar who wins? Turns out we both lose.

You make me feel really :-( sometimes. Have I ever made you so upset and not realise it before? Sigh. just when I was about to let myself go I am seized back into doubt. I am terribly dissatisfied with being everyone else. Silly me and my insecurity. no mood already lahh. How do I go around this?? :-((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

There are walls I put up, expecting, willing people to scale them. I refuse to see them fail. I selfishly believe they will succeed with the thought of getting to me. I have created a castle of doom, maybe loneliness. I will starve of love, of joy, of warmth and comfort. I will die and it is solely owing to my unhappiness.

To do list attached (if it even attached) and I want to die sometimes why all the wrong decisions why

My heart is holding its breath.

I grapple for taut rope as the blood rushes up to my head. I've been warm for a few days now. Sweat drenches my palms and feet, emerging from certain pores I never knew existed. Feels like I'd been climbing. I look down, big mistake. The ground is more than a light year away; it is a treacherous drop. Unknowingly, my harness falls away. The set gave me nothing but security; the protective measure was not much of a necessity with my skill and dexterity. Gone with the set is my confidence. Fear sets in like a little bitch. I am lead and my limbs are weak pockets of foam. Hypothetically I am floating on air - only if those bubbles don't pop. I cannot advance. I am entangled in trepidation and unsureness. So I rest for what feels like eternity. Inertia kicks in. She was right. I can feel my calves traipsing into a little spasmodic jig now, control is slipping away fast. Hurry, now, quick. Nary prepared, I will my left foot to step up, just a wee bit more. Good. Now right up, left up, right up; I fall into a momentum. Exhaustion triumphs then, as I lose my calm and alert. A slip of the hand is all it took. I hang away from the wall. The amplifying silence booming in my head. Might've just been my pulse, though. I hang in there (literally and figuratively) for 5 seconds. A feat, I must say. Then I fall.

It's exhilarating. I don't think about the ground. I am high up enough to enjoy the ride. Succumbing to the pleasure of the lightness in my head, I close my eyes. I am as light as a feather, as heavy as a rock. This is the end, this is the end. It feels surreal. An opposing force almost seems to cushion my fall at first. Must be the contact force the physics teacher kept droning on about.

Nlurgh. Not boom or splat or any of those main stream terms. It is the whisper of my skull cracking open like a coconut on paradise beach and the first slosh of my blood oozing out crimson red, almost a golden sparkle. Breeeeee my soul flutters out, a genie in bottle. I renounce the living. I am liberated from suffering. I float away. It has been one hell of a ride.

I think I expect too much.

Some things I don't do for other people but I expect them to do for me. I expect others to be there for me when I might not even be able to get over myself and be there for them. O take them for granted. I secretly feel like I'm giving more and hurting when in actual fact, have barely considered their feelings. To sum it up basically I'm just a horrible selfish person. I wouldn't even want to know me if i weren't me. Good luck if you're my friend :)

But how do you prevent yourself from expecting anything? Since disappointment is a feeling, you can't just deactivate it or unfeel it. You'd have to expect something, realise you're expecting and then stop yourself, wouldn't you? And that seems like a far fetch considering how you'd have had to feel some sort of hurt before you realise you shouldn't be feeling that way to avoid anymore pain. Oh I think I just explained it to myself.. Though it just feels like another sad suppression of feelings oh well.

Don't plan. Do not ever plan your study timetable or what have you because chances are you'll spend the energy calculating your hours and end up with less than half the productivity. Writing out what you have to do is a good start but planning out the order in which you choose to do them is a bit too much, don't ya think? People tell you to plan your time to help you kick start your work. Well it never ever works for me at least D;

So here's my (really shallow) piece of advice. Jump straight into your task. Live in the moment. Listen to your heart and go with the flow. Many a times you'll find it's quite a good way to finish up your stuff :3

Anw, aMaths was a piece of shit as usual. Tbh, ytd I was actually looking through the questions and thinking it's quite simple hahaha oh boy am I wrong. (An example of how I am secretly full of myself) only did 18 marks so if I get everything right then maybe a pass? If not.. Sigh. Whatever happened to working hard I just can't get to work chancinskcnskcneks. (effectively, this renders my above paragraph useless I suggest you stop wasting your time reading my crap go and study now shoo!!)

Coasts coasts coasts I am going to study but if I don't do well I am going to say I didn't study hard enough because that's the way I roll.

Bye heh.

I watched a video somewhere and it said it's good to leave unfinished writing, because then you'll come back to it. Here and there I have so many incomplete posts heh, wonder if they count because i sure as hell don't like to return to my mistakes.

I don't like writing in angst, much less posting in angst. It feels raw and shallow and revealing, much too revealing. Your angst is your weakness and your insecurity; pretty sure i don't want to go there. When you calm down you can control your head a little better, think about your words metacognitively and pretty much be more professional at expression ;) 8d="8d" a="a" always="always" and="and" anyway="anyway" are="are" calm="calm" can="can" cannot="cannot" cooler="cooler" different="different" do="do" find="find" good="good" however="however" i="i" if="if" in="in" insightful="insightful" is="is" it="it" m="m" maybe="maybe" mention.="mention." mind="mind" most="most" of="of" or="or" p="p" people="people" pretty="pretty" reanalyse="reanalyse" sad="sad" seem="seem" should="should" so="so" some="some" something="something" states="states" strength="strength" sure="sure" the="the" thing="thing" this="this" though="though" to="to" too="too" weaknesses="weaknesses" write="write" you="you" your="your">
i don't lie. i only reveal certain amounts of truth i'm comfortble with. Sometimes you're undeserving, sometimes i am insecure and sometimes i just bask in the streets of bitchiness whoops hehe. I thought about it and there aren't any wrong feelings in the world. There is only the good, the bad and the pointless, maybe. But nothing so close as to being invalid or incorrect. Therefore, feel free to feel whatever you want :>

On a random note, I think giving people nicknames might or might not make them closer to you. Heh i am guilty as charged here, actually for all the other social practices I fail to find a point in as well.. But oh wellllllllll, my point is nicknames only have an effect if they are the memory of some sticky or funny or epic situation yknow? Reflects on the closeness between people. The wrong way to do it is obviously go to some and be like: oh you look like a rat i'll call you ratface in future. Then again, of course, i'm guilty of this too but i'm learning :b

Finally i really talk too much and do too little it's horriblez D: More often than not, i talk to someone, make a promise to myself (in front of them) to do something about my procrastination in hope that i'll feel guilty and proceed with it. But it almost always never happens. Which mostly (probably) results in everyone thinking i'm some kind of irresponsible freak, of course. On a side note, when I tell someone something i automatically feel like a burden to them and want to liberate myelf from that hold so much, i actually fail to realise any of the promises and actually try to work harder or something. With most things, all I really need is myself though very very unfortunately, it is almost always impossible for me to come to terms with anything considering how self-absorbed i usually am. Hence my failure at life. The worst part is that is doesn't bother me much anymore so i'll probably be left to rot and die. I will save myself I will save myself.

That day during rock climbing, I realised how useless people's cheering can be sometimes, I mean not that it's always a bad thing. But up above there, it's mostly just you, the wall ad your possibly non-existent arm and leg muscles so the last thing you'd want is someone yelling at you telling you to go higher. Ok for me, just for me maybe.. What i'd like is to be given never ending time to experiment and get over myself and eventually get there. But for the most part i usually fail (sigh did i mention how easily i give up nowadays it sucks it really sucks) though I'd prefer a silent climb to a encouraging scaling anytime. Girl needs some space, yo! haha just kidding.

i'm glad i keep this blog because when i find things of my not-so-distant past, i already feel compelled to want to know more. The way i used to speak would damn right piss me off now, really. But it's a good thought, knowing i used to be something else and matured (hopefully) into whatever i am now. Also, it's a futile attempt to will someone to speak the way you deem acceptable. "People don't meet your expectations most of the time, sad to say."

About yesterday, i refuse to feel anything else more or less. it's disappointing to the point of disgusting, i say. Since this is how it's turned out to be and maybe i'll give up soon.. but we'll see how things go, until then. not like i have anything more solid to hold on to though, really. why am i so incompetent in my own sport, i ask myself sometimes then stop short with the lack of a concrete reason. Sometimes the answer's a simple, you just suck lor. hahaha. When i believe (or cease to believe), it does reflect even more on my ability but when i choose to put in everything else there is nothing so i guess i'm getting tired too. Forcefully willing yourself to feel otherwise is exhausting business, i must say.

Life's a ball of angst you choose the bonds to break better form a compound with happiness soon only then will you achieve stability.

bye now :) (btw blogger formatting is a bitch at times, i refuse to fix that error above grrrrrrrrr) bitch is a good word to scold to relieve your stress i think the "tch" sound at the back attributes to its shiokness hahahaha.

I don't like this half aimlessness it causes me to do the bare minimum and not do well at anything and enjoy anything sigh. Can I be fully aimless?

No that is not possible in singapore's context.. Everyone has a place to go things to do I must be the same I must know what I want I must dream and then I must work for my dream I cannot slow down at all because I will lose and when I lose it means not making it big anywhere and possibly being unsuccessful so I must win, then? Doesn't it strike you though, where is the group that loses? I mean, more can everyone win? There are only so many places in society. The only way we all can win is to disqualify ourselves from the ratrace that is human nature. We can only beat time of we choose to disregard it. When you are happy and content, that's when you've truly won.

I am too conscious I need to lose myself.

I really cannot do anymore than this there is so much to do but all I am good at is slacking there are so many hours in a day but all I can do is sit and stone. I am not qualified to feel tire because I have done nothing, nothing at all. I want to get out of this bloody race it's suffocating.

Omg blogger is a bitch ugh every single time I type stuff it has to destroy everything grrrrr.
Anw I had a really nice long rambling paragraph just now of which I do not wish to retype sigh. SEE??? What if you just had a great moment in your life and you record it down on blogger but it fails on you and you lose that memory?!?!? Technology is unreliable. So well, hi new reader :b also I gave directions to a good looking dude just now score for me :B! And I think I do look smarter than usual in my checkered shirt ;) here's a picture of the cuteass fluff I have (not sure where it'll appear cos like I said I'm using lousy ass iPhone blogger..) guess I should complain too much it's not exactly attractive.. :P oh I rmbed sth mean I thought of just now. Underbite actually makes you look like a slightly mentally challenged rabid dog.. Ok don't take it the wrong way it's cute but not exactly flattering to your appearance :b #judgementaljadey is on a roll today don't blame meh ;) and I actually practiced guitar for a long while just now cos I feel bad for my guitar teacher who has to coach such a lousy student like me.. But he said there was improvement so hardworking does pay off :D I am rather egoistic nowadays I think it's a bad thing but it does add to my negative confidence level to that is good I guess? (self consoling heh) I really don't fancy becoming everything I despised though.

ohyaohyaohyaohyaftw

On to my birthday before blogger does on me again~~ every year 2nd august evokes a certain passive excitement yknow? It's quite a happy thing cos people around me treat me better than usual so I'm rather pleased :-) this year was no exception although I must say, the excitement was relatively lower hmm. Nonetheless, woke up to 3 messages.. (yes I have a severe lack of friends actually) haha kidding. But really happy for their thoughtfulness one of which was rather touching :') but I died a little in the morning; though thankfully I'd been mentally prepared - told myself no hopes = no disappointments (yep as usual) so yeah suppressed the disappointment (yes that damned emotion managed to worm its way into my head sigh) with a smile it was fine :) ohya surprised me during recess (not so much of a surprise there haha..) and had to give some cake away cos it was too much.. but the cake was good and my team was good too :) took a Polaroid with them it's my favorite one so far!!!! (again not sure where the pic will appear blame blogger) sum up the day, 3C sang to me twice and ms began ms Goh and ms meg wished me too :) oh msp class sang in Malay heh and cikgu made me do a speech sigh #embarrassing T-T

jar :)

So artistic! :P

After school~~ spent the day with jaxuan at sogurt heh (yes this girl has SOOO many friends and still took time off to spend her day with me huh so thoughtful :b my first time at sogurt and we shared a huge cup heh! She treat meh (really need to get that kid to stop spending money like water..) and we were being complete mountain tortoises taking Polaroids and failing hahahaha really do miss that girl :') here is one of the fail ones and one of the pass ones.. (ok sorry I didn't know where you had to direct your lens at..) but it was a day well spent definitely! Made me feel much better :)

Oh and finally a cake with the family :D

can see her eyes for once hahaha

Ah then 3rd August sports day! A good day :) can I just skip past all the details and tell you about the good parts can I can I!!!! Oh but first~ there was cheer and was really looking forward to seeing mabel in a skirt and embarrassing herself but she was actually really pretty too in the make up! Here's a picture heh.. (I seem like a peso but only this once!) I think her make up was best when I first saw her in the morning cos her eyeliner was drawn just soft enough to make her look like a pretty cat.. Heh. Then ole cheer had some technical difficulties = no music D: was so afraid steph would break down there and then but yeah.. The teachers are such mean asses.. good job ole cheer anw! So proud to be in ole need I mention we won house champs too? :3

this disc cost $160..

And and and! I thought we were just going to get pepper lunch after the whole thing but jar said she had something to collect and had to be there at 12 sharp or it'll be given to someone else.. And I gullibly believed (as usual) so everyone hurried down to parklane mall and voila! Surprise surprise, photoshoot for my birthday?!?! ;D here are some of the best pictures... (photospam today whoops) and then!!! We all took a jumpshot at the end and used it as our fb dp!!! Hehehe everyone says we cute yay! After all this while, ohya is still the best :) hope my birthday wishes will all be fulfilled? Hurhur. However, price was checked wrongly and the cost was $160 for an hour so.. Quite a hole in the pocket but definitely worth it definitely 8D



So yeap to sum it all up, great birthday :D although things aren't the best they can be.. They're looking up. So yup thank you for the wishes everyone I appreciate you making me feel like a princess for a day :3 next outing national day? Maybe karaoke with themad6? Heheh.

On a side note, I really cannot seem to write well anymore there is no feeling sigh how sighh sadness seems more human I guess happiness is too ordinary a feeling? The words aren't flowing water more like cubes of dry ice evaporating into nothing.

Bye! (yes pictures do make things look much prettier)

What do people talk about, when they haven't met for a long time?
"how have you been?"
"how was your day?"
The former would've evoked a simple "fine," or good, if the person was feeling better than usual. Then maybe a "how about you?" to hit the ball back to the other court.
The latter, however, surmises a sort of warmth and familiarity, like they've never been apart. Maybe it is also a cover up, some plaster to fill the obviously existent void. But like all temporary fix-ups, it will not last forever. Though a good type would definitely suffice for a while.

Me? I've always preferred the latter. Between the best friends, sometimes it feels like you'd never left.

Met Fran today!!!!!!! Yay my life is made :-D hehe no luh but really happy so see her haven't met up for so long wanted to during the hols but sigh busy and poor time management of course.. Oh well :) miss her although haven't see her for so long it's not awkward or anything I think there's so much to say because we don't usually communicate hmmmm. And sometimes I just wish for someone who doesn't know anything to know everything... Heh. Just wishful thinking I guess.

And today was rather hmmm~ late in the morning didn't get to run so guilty D: had belaying during jogging (more one to prepare for height and weight heh) and invest during collab! Invest is really.. For us to anshuang only hahaha if you're not a leader would you honestly care??

And training.. So slack but I just suck ugh kept making stupid mistakes and idek what. There's really no other explanation than being completely insufficient. Not a good enough opponent for Trini too sigh and I guess my lousiness was partially to blame for jiaolian scolding her again.

Maybe I can't write well cos I'm not emo anymore 0: I just want to read and write and read and write and do things and go places maybe play sports and be good at something I want to be gifted hahahaha

Wonder if there's surprise tmr? :) haha I won't be gullible and I won't be disappointed. And sigh I shouldn't have hinted my birthday to so many people it's really not my style now i feel like some kind of despo :-( part of me hopes for at least some presents/wishes tomorrow and part of me hopes for nothing nothing nothing it's kinda embarrassing don't cha think.. But all I want is just a good day :-)

And it occurs to me that I should've gotten up earlier to do my MSP today cos I'm obviously going to die tomorrow sigh stupid expectations why am I such a bad student I am going to disappoint cikgu again WHY and I need to lose weight too I am ballooning (for the lack of a more nice sounding term hahaha Azrin) but for now I just need a good scrub.

Oh my house is like dying too. No water and aircon's down idek how to survive sigh thank goodness for world peace and lack of wars.

Bye I guess 8b