Hmmm yesterday was rather a nicely wasted day :-) if only azrin zo celine came too ah well.

The matches were horrible LOL with me being useless as ever (no surprise there) it is not really anything to be surprised at anymore. I'm actually wondering which of the commitments I should get rid of to focus on what's important.. See I have MSP lit OALB PSB guitar bball and studies. What's important would obviously be studies and bball well, you can't quit your CCA now can you? And I don't want to but maybe that's what's actually is best hahaha. Let's hope a miracle happens during this shortass 6 more months and I become a prodigy LOL. No seriously. Anyway what if I forgo everything and still prove to be completely rubbish? It's probably just evidence of how pathetic I really amzzzz. Ah well.

But the meal after was good though haven't talked to those kids for so long for so long already :-) miss them loads. And although I admit to have doubted this countless times, I can safely admit (and stand by believing) basketballers are still the best *inserts smiley faces hearts and bball emoji*

Btw typing this otw to guitar lesson and I'm late again #whatsnew hahaha. And stupidly wore a sleeveless shirt in an attempt to show off my newly acclaimed tanline but oh just results in flaunting thy fatsz.. And my guitar teacher is really nice he doesn't ever get angry at my lousiness!! Which is really a feat if you ask me.. :3

Oh and watching the Olympics is really addictive sigh what is homework again? Did you know that the last heat for swimming is actually the best? And if running 400m is hell what is swimming 400m.. Just found out heh. And i finally understand why foreign talent is important. There is a certain sense of pride when you see your national flag somewhere and your athlete getting into the finals or something.. Even more so if it's a true blue Singaporean :-) just watched Michael phelps fail to keep his position it's kind of sad really isn't it D: their reaction time seems a bit slow but who am I to talk anywayyyyyy.

Sigh every week I struggle (LOL ok overstatement I don't actually do anything..) to finish my hmwk (and always fail) and every Monday is a long wait for Friday again but I nary realize how quickly time passes within 2 weeks common tests again sigh sigh sigh. Too fast and too slow, time is. So many worksheets to complete.. 4 for math 5 for physics 1 for English 2 for chinese die la

Next big thing to look forward to? The birthday then sports day and national day then common tests. Tests. I can never pronounce the sts sound hmm..

Finally a more human post I guess I should post pictures but I don't ever take any of much interest oh wellz. Oh bella learnt (no finally dares) to jump up onto our laps.

Bye kids!

Does it ever occur to you how people
choose the most outstanding vivid attractive images to write about? It feels like there is a certain form as to what is considered the 'most correct form'. I do that too, unfortunately. Don't snigger. It's such a bad habit. I realized my vocab is really pathetic after doing those English compres and summaries ugh and I really can't write properly anymore I think it's horrible horrible I can only rant and ramble on and on like this..... I am truly a disgrace to society sigh

Thinking about it this few days and I realise I am really not 善长 at anything. No I am not feeling sorry for myself (ok maybe just a bit) but it's just.. I feel like maybe I should give up on things I am incompetent at and maybe leave some more time for things I am (hopefully) less incompetent at.. it's just like having 9 subjects and 9 F9s instead of 11 subjects and 11 F9s hahaha. Why can't I be good in something so tired already. Btw oral was.... Bleh. Stumbled over the whole of the last paragraph and even added in my own words I question my sanity somedays. And for the spoken interaction I think there was not enough time so I didn't manage to link most of my parts back to the question and the grizzly bear probably thinks I'm an incoherent idiot now. Score one for jadey.

Want nothing more than to weep for a little while now but I have maths to do and waterworks don't exactly hydrate your eyes if you know what I'm saying. Everyday I just want to sleep sigh life is really fine now but I just cannot produce any results cos I'm too bloody occupied with wasting time and failing to achieve anything ever. Tomorrow's another test I'm bound to fail again. I don't know I don't know I really hate the feelings evoked from this entire experience. But I guess it's cos I'm not trying hard enough? Anything is easier than admitting I am completely rubbish.

I am trying to get myself to write a piece for a competition but I really can't pen down my thoughts. I can't write in 'continuous prose form' anymore I focus on the emotions too much that I just break down the story into fragmented crap I guess. Maybe the only thing I'm not pathetic at is failing me too? I wish it was as simple as 'not being able to work under pressure' it's probably 'not being able to work regardless of pressure' hence I am probably just a malfunctioning toy.

I really can't do anything.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAH.

It's all too ironically funny at times ohman.

If only I could play god can you please tell me what to do no just let me control everything can??? My goodness it hurts it does hurt. But still, come at me bro. I can take you on. I've been trained :-)

Can't talk to any of you kids cos you'd have some kinda bias and I can't talk to anyone else either the story is too long and I don't want to ramble on to someone who doesn't care. I have me I have me I can do this guys please cooperate.

I will feel no anger because I am stronger than that, obviously. I am stronger than you.

Today was kinda a waste of time and kinda not too? Liked the morning and after school best :)

Maybe sometimes it's unhealthy to associate people with colours or smells or sounds purposely. When you plan to forget somethings someday, it is so tedious because everywhere around you there are memories and signs makes you wonder a whole lot about nothing.

English oral tomorrow I feel.. That compulsion to impress and excel, even if it is not my forte. But how?

Sigh #thingsiamgoodat creeping people out. I hope I am not too creepy for you I really am straight omg sigh. I think I feel and act like this to people I am close (or want to be close to) so yeaaa I guess I should chill and embrace normal.

Oh just a thought, there are really different types of people to text.
First is the MSN type. They text like instant messaging, not necessarily a bad thing. Makes you feel like talking and talking to them if you had the time.
Next the long type. Similar to writing page long letters. Texts full of content and emotion (?) good for late night texting and reflection.
Then the crap type. Every message sounds joking and brings a skeptical snigger to your face. Will bring your spirits up in no time at all~
Finally? All of the above. The best type of course, something a best friend is made for.

Ok really tired (again) time to do zuowen.. Or sleep.

Bye babes (very flirt meh)

It's just another day and I am as pooped as always. It's not as if I did any substantial homework or some really mind blowing thinking but as usual I want nothing more than to sleep.

On a random note, bitch is a really anger-relieving word to say~ heh actually if you think about it all the swear words feel good just dancing off your tongue, don't they? Maybe it really is the way they are pronounce, more than anything.

It's honestly tiring (no I meant exhausting) work to keep up. Just any day that I'm going to (not) persevere and succumb to sleep because that helps, that really helps :3 oh course sleep is useful sleep is always useful. That'll leave me with 2 hours,
Half dead to do some form of homework. LC's tmr hope I survive.

Really exhausted now.. I fell asleep whoops.. And no homework done bleargh how about recess then? D:

Every time I feel like blogging I should use it for a better purpose right right right but I just can't help myself bleargh :/

Mind's been pretty quiet lately it's a good thing I guess even when I try to set it into a metacognitive state it doesn't really comply. But that's good I guess? I've wished for a clear path and the lack of problems for preeety long now and I ought to appreciate what I'm getting into~ the most ironic thing I've never told anyone is how the cause of everything from the very beginning as probably just my mind looking for something to occupy itself with. A idle mind is the devil's workshop, or so they say. I guess I can never be contented with the peace I have because I will always yearn for adventure. With the tumulus conflicts I'd want out. Forever always don't even wish for a balance anymore. But it's ok this is how it is :>

Been reflecting (or something) and I guess I've become somewhat "normal". And "normal", by far is a great big insult do you not agree? Who wants to be normal when you can be splendid and amazing and wonderful and special and enchanting and what not. "normal" is too bland and ordinary for me. I've been shown higher order and now it's back to the mundane it's some work there to keep in on both sides but I'm sure it'll work somehow. after all it isn't very easy to forget hmmm.

I feel unlike myself now, somewhat like an introvert forced to be outspoken. Sometimes I wish I had someone who'd do all the talking because honestly I don't really fancy the jibber jabber. But then there's no choice if they're quiet too right D: sometimes you don't feel awkward but you have to say something just to make them less awkward (yes no?) that's how I reveal too much because Lo and behold I'm so boring I can only talk about myself /sigh can I can I just shut up and can you talk to me I think I have unknowingly thrown thyself into a pool of responsibility >: if only I could just pretend to be the weaker half sometimes nomz.

Don't you think it cool, if your words were so twisty you'd need a password to decode? Even if it were the same language it'd take a greater power to decipher. I wish I had the ability.

I think my writing style fluctuates it must be me thinking in Shakespearean language again.

Fight. Fight with every ounce of angst thee possesses. Fight till the spirit curdles on thy tongue and issues from thy veins. Fight till the skies storm grey with frustration, fight till the ground scorches with hunger. Fight with your life; fight with more than your life. Fight with clasped hands instead of balled fists. Aim to subdue, not destroy. For the biggest enemy is oneself. Do not let them see the magnitude of your stupor. Instead fight with fervor, for they are ignorant. Beyond thy furrowed brow lies a tremulous aching need for success. Fight, for you are invincible. Fight I say, fight.

Look what R&J did to me D:

This encounter is nothing I'd expected and it's rather pleasant :) I'm glad.

I think I'm finally close to self-repair I feel almost as good as new. Must've been forgiving myself through talking to other people recently. Thank goodness for new beginnings :')

A friendship is for life. It never ends or it never was. I will always and forever wish for you to be happy, genuinely happy. When you're bothered I will still be here to listen to you, try my best to give you something more than rubbish advice if you still trust/need me to. I will always always be here for you. I will always care.

But I am letting go too. I am letting go of the memories and the hope and whatever there is left. I've come to terms that this hope, however existent, will not be able to sustain a renewed friendship. I am letting go of the place you've occupied in my heart; it can be empty for now I don't mind. Hey, your contract is up, the space is now open for lease :)

I've been selfish so unbelievably selfish. I've done stupid things, thought stupid things, and didn't say enough stupid things. I regret, can't tell if it's more of the things I didn't do or the things I did do. But regret is just.. Regret. There's no other form of energy you can change it to. Not negative, and definitely not positive. So yup, I will always regret. But I've learnt to :) I've learnt how to care and how to love. I've experienced the definition of a true friend(s). I've learnt to express myself, be happy when I am and not to suppress the negativity when i'm not. Because it drowns you, it hurts you more than you know. Now that I've been given such an invaluable lesson I will give back. I've learnt to live.

When you're happy there is no sunshine. You are the sunshine. When you're happy is from inside you, some mysterious ball of energy forcing laughter out your pores. When you're happy the world is a beautiful place to be, sky's pretty (even if it's grey), grass' green and people are actually tolerable, better than tolerable even, maybe. When you're happy you infect the world with your smile and you give. You give back the happiness bestowed to you. (when you're sad you take self-pity, of course) When you're happy, hope is abundant.

I will never give up on the things worth fighting for :)

All my uncompleted blog posts sit silently on the quiet racks behind the closed cupboard doors of my archive. Just like my unfinished train of thought. Way to be melodramatic xuan.

So many things to worry about so little time to breathe. Can no longer enjoy the me time after each long day (oh wait that would be everyday). Can feel the stress of everything just coming at me all at once hmm. Funny how I didn't like to admit I was stressed before cos I'd feel so weak but now.. Idk I guess am easier why to get out of describing my feelings? Maybe I should private this blog too.. Getting too emo and boring i don't actually talking about real things just some stupid thoughts in my head wonder if people read with irritation hahaha. But what's the point of 2 private blogs sigh. Speaking of blogs, been stalking a few blogs lately (yes i honestly didn't use to) and sigh why do they all write so well i used to think I was pretty good too but no, I guess I'm pretty inadequate. Here's to losing faith in the only thing I'm remotely good at D:

Mtp yesterday.. Made me realize how bad my sleeping habits are (considering how little work I do even after staying up an extra 3 hours?) exhaustion up, productivity down. But I don't know I just feel if I keep sleeping maybe I'll get addicted to it or something. And what jar said, insecure people sleep really late. Maybe? Maybe I am insecure and convinced myself to believe otherwise.. And sigh I think Ms Begam severely dislikes me now.. After how I showed my lazy unmotivated pathetic self to her.. Sigh kinda liked her Leh :/

Le welcomes a new reader today. Hello kid hope you don't drown in my boring self pity :3

Ten years down the road, I'm pretty sure we'll look back and realize everyone's experiencing the same damned self conflicting emotions and laugh. Maybe on different degrees, maybe with different levels of revelation and how much we choose to reveal. Right now we think we don't understand each other, but we do. We secretly unknowingly do. What if we all bared ourselves and the ugliest sides and possibly the intricately fragile. Stark naked; nothing more to lose? Impossible, you'll think. So do I. It's something we have to learn to overcome by ourselves to reach a new height where we will inevitably begin another battle. Problems aren't half as exciting to read once you figure then out. It'll be all "isn't it just that simple why is she complicating things" but you don't realise you don't actually understand the depth of the situation. So yeap, keep your comments coming so I can cackle cynically at your skin-deep shallowness.

Time to get over it. Start a new chapter?
I am empowered.

(:

Whoop whoop phone blogger finally works way to go laziness! :3 kinda like typing here too can just go on and on lalala~

I am rather exhausted from doing nothing all day long but for once I will persevere and maybe even finish all my holiday homework whoop (y) here's to a long night.

And obviously I failed. Fell asleep typing this post what is life.

This time i don't mean mentally or physically whatsoever. Just tired, real bodily tired.

i wish i could sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep forever. and everything would be perfect (well technically only 1/5 of my life would have to be perfect since i'll spend the rest sleeping)

There has to come a point where everything becomes fine, won't there? it's just a matter of time hmm. i guess i'll just wait.

and sucks to be someone who has it better than others and probably not bad enough to complain but well it's ok i guess just rather weak. sounding rather incoherent now.

don't you like how rather sounds? it makes you seem more profound intantly like you're actually comtemplating your words and their depth, every single one.

i'm too tired to say anything else decent whoop whoop.

sometimes i'm just really tired when i present my whole self to rest i can't get enough.

bye!