dbsvuisgbvnwseguvoiasngv.

people who think too much all the time are obviously not happy. too much knowledge tarnishes the natural beauty of simplicity. they read too much into things that are, just are. they need to chill and probably disappear for a while. see how things go.

ah shit did too badly for MYEs thought there'd be a way out but seems like it's really impossible x hard. maybe even full marks can't guarantee an A1? die ahh die. how? later get kicked out of TD hahahah. but besides being an utter disgrace i don't really see how it's such a bad thing hmm. i should stop acting so cheem and speaking in normal english.

kou shi next tues aishhhh how chinese so horrible sfivondgbivos. how how how later never get A1 D: finally feeling a teeny weeny bit anxious. seems like no matter how, i can't get a good enough score already die man dieeeee.

ms g is pretty cool hurhur. better not let her know; her ego is huge already my goodness (nsdujvbsou keep saying that recently i sound like ginna whoops)

can i just i don't know. i really i don't know. how to i don't know. please i don't know. i don't even i don't know.
i don't know. sigh.

heyya kids.

MYE results were and are not going to be great. who am i kidding, they're pathetic; horrible, probably. english has failed me for the first time; i should be upset. but i am not. but i am not beaten, jade is not scratched so easily. i've had worse.

For all you sad kids out there..
Don't take this as a wake up call. Alarms don't work sometimes, yknow. Take it as a firm, urgent yet gentle reminder. Every paper you receive is a smooth pebble pelted in your gut. Pain? Glad you feel it. Then don't just stand there, you. Move. Get going. This is but a warm up of what is to come. Every moment you spend stationary is a bruise - blue purple bumps on your baby soft skin. The pebbles will not be this harmless forever. Soon they will turn into rocks - little mounds of granite that can and will cause real bodily harm. So while your wounds are only but skin deep, rub a little zam buk on them. I know it hurts. Dry your cheeks you are too precious to be broken over something like this. Start again. Train harder. Steel your will, not your heart. Be happy live laugh loveeee. One day you will be able to catch those stones and pelt them back at your tormentor I promise you.

awman i am not proud of that sounds so cheap D: but the message comes from the bottom of my heart ok; CAP ON HEADS UP. (haha azrin's old twitternamee!) you will shine one day :)

heyza.

last day of the hols tmr hmm. really not doing any hmwk hahaha. who's with me?! though i might back out last minute, i'm unreliable like that.

i'm chicken too.

i really need to do something about it it's been too long has been affecting me for so long emotions have been a burden to everyone i cannot be so irresponsible but i'm still so afraid can you reassure me can you help me solve it why am i so pathetic i can be as hopeful as i want now right because i don't think i can be anymore crushed i am way too melodramatic sadness does that to you sometimes you know i've been preparing this for over a year now i guess but i am definite in the face of adversity i will still fail and crumble i don't know what would be best in the time that you've wasted all of our bridges burned down is there anything left to save i don't think i can move on because i will never meet a better group of people so what if you are strong you are helpless but i can't live like this forever tell me what to do please save me i still cannot stand to face you this is the last straw what if this doesn't work i will be truly broken but if it does there will be a better tomorrow still i can't bring myself to use that 50/50 chance my optimism is superficial and mortal poison you will be tired one day the time is too soon i am not ready but i fear i never will be things will not cannot be the same again things have changed drastically i cannot help but hope get over yourself it'll soon be nothing perhaps it already is but it is not a easy as it sounds would you like to try being subjected to such saint-seducing joy everytime i decide on a plan of action something else has to induce my cowardice i am so so so mind-numbingly painfully scared have drowned in regret countless times sick with unease one too many but this is by far the hardest thought's been haunting me since i don't know when i can barely admit it will you forgive my weakness i wish i was right or angry or impulsive or more indignant then i would dare too bad i'm embarrassed and ashamed of my mistake i still cannot do it.

just some more verbal vomit.

yoyoyo!
This is a genuinely happy post, since some gaypoop said yesterday's was completely fail *scorn face*

Had a nice time with jar and azrin today. Didn't exactly talk for very long but we did talk <:

i really really really do miss them (so overcome with emotion that i feel like bawling now HAHAHA) and am blessed for being in ohya, for all ohya has done all these years (we're really old people). i realise that i still do care a lot for the team and am really really thankful for that too.

just listen to me, you'd think we'd talked for hours but no. it's just realisation (something good finally!) ahh feel like a lucky kid. and a hopeful one too :)

and since i am genuinely happy today, i am optimistic too. (please don't burst my bubble yet please) i believe things will work out and they will, i promise you. if only we all keep the faith. just believe in us a little longer, please? when there's a will, there's a way. (someone said i've strong will HEHE)

let's work together. we won't let you down.

:)

hi kids! <:

need a happy (or at least normal) post to brighten things up around here!
I AM NOT EMO. i think people who think too much about weird things tend to sound depressed all the time........ maybe i am, but it's time to be happy.

happy. i guess you can only really be if you've never been sad. but then again, if you've never been sad, you'd not know happiness. you only acknowledge the peak of happiness after you step out of it. that is the sad part. therefore, happiness is sadness. HAHA i don't make sense

but oh did you see how i just delved into emo again? da shit i need to stop this man. and live a little moreeeee~

had training today! for the first time after 3 weeks or so? wasn't as horrible as i made it out to be, thankfully.. but i was late D: yknow i'm always late for everything; late for guitar lesson, late for appointments late for school. but i've never been late for training (i think!) this is a first D: sigh wanted to sleep at 10 ytd loh! but had to upload that thing sigh and must must must upload by today so i slept at 3. and woke up a 730 when we're supposed to be there at 730. *self stab* felt guilty when i saw them playing 5v5 heng they didn't do the horrible stuffs at the start.. played man then rest then played zone then rest then played half court. no surprise, still stiff as ever over here. but i dribbled today so.. #achievementunlocked hahaha ohmy i'm pathetic. then of course, something pretty D:< happened but i shan't talk about it here...

anw i welcome a new reader today! haha i don't usually give out my link cos that's like "hi this is my blog, read it, know everything about me!" but maybe that's just me heh. but well i've known her for 8 years already and i do trust her so, hi if you're reading this! <:

blister blister ankle ankle. the side effects of training taking a toll on me already le poooooop. in hindsight, i must've been (no, still am) a complete idiot to sprain my ankles thrice in a span of 6 months. complete blistering idiot. so many problems now; hot pain cold also pain. walk also pain. run also pain. jump also pain. definitely not those ouch-it-hurts-so-much-i-want-to-die kind of pain but it's pain all the same. legs are jelly tired now i can't tell if it's the pain from that gruesome toe blister or just exhaustion. i'll have to go with both.

and homework? really haven't done anything other than my bio paper......... study date today was utter failure we ate and then ate somemore HAHA. so i guess i'm pretty much screwed for life? :D don't really hope other people also never do but rather hope the work gets magically done.. sigh sigh i honestly see no way to finish everything else in time. holidays are for resting and rest i shall. screw responsibility for once *smirk*

oh does it feel good to be talking about other things rather than the boring ass daily realisations that i get. i feel.... HUMAN AGAIN. hahaha though i really do wish i'd be the happy and gayshit thing i was before but that's probably too much to ask and i should be contented with what i have now. i used to be really happy, but really sad too. regardless of whether you want to know, i'll tell you one day. please just listen :)

• i love my mummy. she is really nice and cute (bought me gummies ytd whoop!) i want to spend more time with her. yay :3
• i think i've brave enough to read the midnight library now! :D hopefully...
• my arms are really so god damned fat i can't even
• and i'm so sorry i promised dates with people this holiday and i really really wanted to go out with yall but my lousy ass time management obviously doesn't accommodate other people.. >:
• prolly going out with da team tmr? HOMEWORK time <: and comm dinner whoop.
• i've really changed, huh? :|

bye says happy kid :)

hello there.

1. i want to go back in time. pat myself on the head. give myself a big hug. tell myself it's going to be fine. perhaps i needed a bit more love.
2. i am so selfish.
3. i am struggling to think of things i can tell you that will not make you judge me.
4. holidays are times for everyone to relax and let loose for a bit. not to work and work and work somemore. if i had the power, i would abolish holiday homework. i would give people holidays for them to reflect on life. knowledge of self is what will get the society moving i'm telling you.
5. i am so unmotivated i no longer see the need for motivation.
6. i am weakness.
7. i wish you guys had a tagboard so i can leave nice warming anonymous messages.
8. i am not happy but i am not sad.
9. i refuse to think about life anymore.

goodbye.

With so many amazing people out there i feel intimidated and i'm afraid i'll lose this special thing, one of the only things i can actually do properly. sets a standard i have to live up to and with that pressure i cannot perform normally - well.
i really do sound different as compared to 2 weeks ago, 3 months ago, a year ago. i guess it's cos the formation of thoughts change in the way they choose to come alive. also things that have happened (obviously) change the way i think. i'm such a coward. so afraid of everything. people, mistakes, emptiness, the world. i am pretty screwed, but lo and behold, i choose to live in this little facade of temporary perfection instead of trying to get out of it once and for all. no surprise there really, i run away all the time. and come to think of it, i don't think i've ever succssfuly solved a single problem hahaha. face danger, run. face fear, run. face feelings, run. must've gotten really good at it. though i'm rather contented now, i'm sure there's more to come anytime. life is pretty random no?

something i rather dislike about our lives now is how everyone seems to know each other one way or another. why why why can't people live peacefuly without crossing paths, for one. why must my first favourite person know my second favourite person, perhaps. why are they close? why can't they just be mine hahahaha.

and i've gotten really shallow apparently. well not instantaneously but it's been going on for quite sometime now. i used to think more (too much) and get so lost in those (usually sad) thoughts and just die slowly. so to avoid (run away) from such inconveniences, i've learnt to ignore everything unhappy. once i'm sure the thought will turn ugly, i stop it. kill it. completely refrain from thinking. in this way i've not only exterminated the bad thoughts but also the good ones (like bacteria!) and i've become so shallow i can't even begin.

also i realise how worthless i've been all this while, thank goodness i've prepared for it so the realisation didn't hit me so hard. all these fluffy absorbant comfy pillows to curb the sad.

i want my own pace and my own life and my own happiness and one day my own courage and independence. i want a chance to explain, but i'm prepared to give it up, for fear of rejection. somedays i let myself believe none of it is my fault. but i think of how you may argue and blame myself again. you are always right i am always wrong. this is the way it has always been and will always be no? perhaps this is weakness. a senseless submission. i don't see anyway out.

weakness draws pity. i used to be so afraid of showing my weakness. i didn't want to be pathetic. mos of all i was embarrassed, always so embarrased of being like that (whatever it was). now it's all the same to me. shown or not, you are weak.

at this point in time, i've come to terms with pretty much everything, so much that i refuse to step in to change another bit. i admit, my fear once stood in the way of smoothing everything out but it doesn't matter anymore, does it? there is nothing left to smoothen. like like an artifical i guess. the san flat at first, then little dunes form - problems. as time goes by the wind and rain blow and wash them away. now there is nothing left. pieces, no, specks, lost in the atmosphere. they are somewhere, just not here anymore. they are not mine to control now.

i didn't use to sound so cheap. i am a failure. the worst kind - the type already fine with failing.

i am happy aren't i? hahaha.

back from uk.
really really good trip. one part of me is still there, whilst the other part has so desperately tried to fly me back to singapore. i don't want to go to sleep tonight because i don't want this day to end. tomorrow at 6 i will wake up and start my day again. tomorrow at 6 i will resume my life. tomorrow at 6 i will start with the repeated motions again. tomorrow at 6... i don't want to think about tomorrow at 6.

3N is not bonded as a class but rather much more bonded within their cliques. perhaps it is only because i intrude as an outsider do i manage to feel the overdued welcome. nonetheless they have given me a different feeling from 3C. abit more security, though less freedom. i've met really nice (and quite amazing) people on this trip. and this feels like the class i should have been put into. (i am truly sorry 3C i hope you don't read my blog)....... but then again, it is only from my perspective as a visitor can i enjoy this comfort. it might be very different if i have had gone there alone, but not so much. i would have a restricted freedom in my choice of friends maybe, but warmth of familiar friendship nonetheless. i cannot explain this need to hold on to this feeling ohmyyyy.

uk is pretty amazing, i didn't (definitely didn't) go there with anysort of obsession, just a rough idea of how amazing it is. and it truly was (still is). not spellbinding, magically, enchanted amazing but amazing enough. it's like your childhood (storybooks) coming to life. maybe not since i don't read enid blyton, but it's still wonderful for a place of Harry Potter, pride and prejudice, romeo and juliet. the 9 days didn't exactly breeze pass, though they certainly did float past. i feel this is one of the more contenting trips i've had. one day i hope i'll be able to bring my mother there an be her guide for everything. i wish i were so amazing.

i need to blog in simple english.

bye love.