Just felt like blogging :) aiie phone type one sure very ugly shall edit it when I have the time~

Chem and English over on Friday. Not satisfying, not proud, not worth doing. Yknow the feeling everytime you hand in a piece of work and you are proud of it? Yeah well I didn't feel like that for any of my papers. Felt nothing, like I didn't even care. Now isn't that weird when you didn't do like 20 marks of chem and well wrote a crappy disorganized piece of unworthy shit for English? This is honestly one of the first times I don't feel excited handing in a compo. I don't like this indifference. I don't like how nothing seems to matter enough to be worth doing anymore. Yes, I really wanted to prove something, like running in this mundanity of a rat race wasn't a necessity. But it has backfired; and instead become a pathetic excuse for me to slack off. My parents, they refuse to motivate me because they only believe in self-motovation sighza. I need something to push meeeeee haiiie. "Don't think, just do" won't work for long enough.

And then there are the days I just feel like throwing myself to someone else to be their responsibility. They can be mine, I don't mind. Just.. I am embarrassed by how pathetic and selfish I am sometimes. I don't want to be seen with myself. Can I go like poof? :D sometimes I wonder if I'm operating on luck. What if my life thus far has just beeen an exceptionally lucky one and this luck is going to wear off soon. What if I'm going to lose everything? One thing's for sure, I am going to die laughing at myself whining nd complaining about every little thing now. Like hahaha jade, your life wasn't perfect enough, let's make people leave you, make you fall hard, and take away everything else. That'll teach you how to whine. But even as I whine and complain, I really acknowledge how lucky I am just to be here with all these amazing people in my life. People whom I nearly forced out of my life, people who could've left if they wanted, and people who've always stayed. I don't have many friends do I guess they're all the same people :) I really hope they don't leave idk what i'd do without them man.. I have a happy family, good friends, and mediocre results, like what more can I ask for? so many things, you'll be surprised. Well people just can never be satisfied. I'm just happy for so many moments on earth already.

Getting tired now, supposed to finish SS new theme but maybe I'll go take a nap first... And wake up tmr morning :p hahaha ok bye :3 Dear readers out there better read it quick before I delete this post tmr or sth :D bye dears~

so, i think i should be pretty scared rn since it's less than a week before MYEs but my revision's not even half done. but i'm not.

sigh sigh sigh forever over estimating yourself xuan. complacency will kill you. it is, already. better buck up quick man. it's sec three and you've planted yourself (unortunately) in the mugger-est batch ever. so competitive, need to win, need power, need status, need to be popular. maybe everyone's like that. remember smth boob said about the sitting on the right track. so what if you're there already? if you don't move people are gonna catch up, people are gonna find you andd overtake. stop living in your bubble, kid.

everytime you experience something, it's a different feeling. even if it's with the same people, even if it's using the same things, even if it's the same place. it's like 温故知新 only it's not. hahahaha just look at my standard of chinese. oh well......

i think chinese is a really pretty language. every language is amazing but chinese is really pretty cool. i mean, if you're good at it, obviously. just wish i'd be really good at it sighhhh. i mean english is cool, but it's an international language, how amazing can you be huh? one of my insecurities. i think strengths double as achilles' heels too. everything that can make you happy can make you just as sad. sigh my command of language is really poor now and i wasn't anywhere close to being at the top in this TA too. plus i'm not scared, don't really feel anything. it's good in a sense, but bad too, yknow what i mean? you need a sense of urgency to suvive in singapore. i like and hate this slackness and indifference. damn me for being so easily influenced i........ sigh all the contradictions in life haha. oh look at how i veered off. pretty amazing huh?

i should talk about more general things here. i'm already easy enough to read as it is. gonna delete the previous posts cos i don't like them. things i do in a moment of impulse hmm, unthinkable. and the things i say to justify myself.... joke. i hate being wrong sigh dk what to do dk how to change dk how to make things right and regardless the other party can threaten you anyway because you're wrong. sigh jade sigh.

better go start on physics. 5 days and 6 subjects untouched. you really deserve a standing ovation xuan. i like xuan it sounds so.... :D jade sounds so cold. really dislike people close to me calling me that makes me so frustrated ugh. lele is cute and well gay. but anything's better than jade i guess :p

byebyebye.