fucking screw this man.

hurhur nao isn't it weird to be posting that at 11pm heh.

welllll heh fell asleep again ytd didn't do maths ahhhhhhhhhhh. gonna die gonna die well i say that everyday don't i :P but the more i draggg the more dyish things gets ok D: it strikes me that we gonna know our classes in 3 days. THREE DAYS. like it or not, your class is something that will affect your future, your social life, your relationships and well pretty much how you have to act around everyone. please let me go somewhere with people i'm comfortable with *cross fingers* if you're reading this, you know who you are :p haha anwwww hopefully we all get to someplace that we'd like. though as i say that i already know it isn't possible sigh. wanna go to the lit class D:< that's what i really want to do and that's where all the cool people are.. haha no lah there're just so many people i already know there i guess. been posting alot this few days. suddenly got the mooooood hoho.

i'm blog hopping rn hehheh. dear readers, do you ever wonder if i stalk your blog? :P i wonder if anyone stalks mineeee. i was wondering, what if i had a different style. what if i posted differently, typed less maybe, more pictures? that'd be cool. but that's not meeeee. once i start writing (typing) i literally can't stop sigh. good or bad habit? you decide. that's why exam also lahhhh all my essays super long no substance one D: that's smth i don't likee. things having so many words but no actual content. if my work becomes like this one day i might just self stab Dx oh before i veer off topic, i actually like reading different people's blogs sometimes for the style over coontent. yknow people write differently and deco their posts differently and stuff so i think it's really cool to see the different kinds. anw if i visit your blog frequently be honoured (even if you don't know it :P) cos my standards are quite high! there must be sth i like about yours ;)

ahhh i forgot what i wanted to say now. see inspiration just comes and goes like that sigh. oh right did i mention how i like my iphone cover :> i did right whoops. okkk i rmbed heh just now went out alone with my sis for the first time can you believe it HAHA fail i know whoops. we went to cp to buy some ingredients cos she wanna bakeeee! and dinner too. and well other stuff hoho. then i picked up an ez link card and returned it to the passenger service yay imma good citizen *beams* 8D then ahhh buying dinner wah my sis so annoying *scornface* i mean not in the literal sense but ah i ask her buy chicken rice also cannot. i really really dislike people being useless. ok wasn't that angry with her but still grrrr. and oh, my aunty cannot find the receipt for the bag so cannot change it to jacket ): i mean i don't mind the bag but i don't really really need it yknowwww~ i feel quite bad though, telling her we don't like the present and all :( she spent time to go shopping for us ahhhh. guilty guilty. anw that's why i love my dayi she super sweet :D

i could go on and on and on but i have things to do D': hope tmr's training will be ok! gotta wake up super duper early tmr! kid, you be happy alright? hope everything goes well <:

i read a few of my previous posts. i think i'm creepy.

yay blogskin finally changed!

took 4 hours to choose and change and edit and all manzxc. must make a mental note to remember that sigh.

maths FINALLY starts now D':

i think the way i think is too weird.

i don't even worry normally like normal people do. i probably worry about the way i'm worrying or something. see how i always kill myself in a paradox? (wait that's the right word right.) heh well.

christmas feels completely unchristmassy this year. even last night's dinner. but the turkey was good and all tho :> love the ham! hahah oh i got a new iphone cover as xmas present from dayi yay! love it cos the colours are so preety and the texture is so nice and the pictures are so cute and it glows in the dark!! is it freaking perfect or what ;) didn't go to jar's chalet whoops D: too rushed but i feel guiltyyy sigh since it was to celebrate her bday D: but i guess whether i'm there doesn't really make it difference right haha. and oh i spent the whole evening ytd doing that cursed feedback form and today too! took me like 5 hours to do mine??? ah well. haven't done any freaking thing today other than watch ring ring bell ep one hahaha i know i'm a bit crazy weird creepy but i can't help relate everything to in time. maybe cos i love in time too freaking much heehee. it's the same with people, i've realised. mmmm. christmas christmas hahahaha isn't it just any other day?? new year's too. everyday's the same right? i'm so scared of everything ugh why. so scared of the future. so scared of everyone. can you all just move on without me and yea have fun with your lives. i think i try to relate everything to everything else way too much. isn't it creepy though, knowing people secretly doubt you with every single move you make. i'd feel freaking intimidated.

well i don't trust you too. not anymore.

no no nothing happened. it's just.. sometimes my brain gets carried away all of a sudden and i just well, doubt everything. doubt my thoughts, doubt yours. doubt the present the past and the future. doubt my feelings doubt my heart. doubt my friendships. doubt my pretense. that's why i don't dare to think; i know i can't control my head anymore. ok i should be doing maths now i guesssssssss.

hope your christmas was better than mine! merry christmas :D bye! oh i really need a change of blogskin man.

Let's sit under the stars and talk forever about things that don't matter.

i can't control my anger anymore. i get angry too freaking easily. sure, i can suppress it. but it's still there. it'll always be there. like a devilish fire growing steadily feeding on my intolerance. it's weakness. it's a shortcoming. it's a bad habit i've developed over time. recently there's been this increasing urge to lol everyone. the only freaking reason i haven't done it is because it's against my principles. when i do, it'd be the day i lose hold. aish yknow i get pissed at the slightest thing?? now you know i basically feel like stabbing everyone all the time. that's pathetic. why i so like that ugh.

on a side note, do you believe in "fake it till you make it" ?

quite busy recently. then now later. past week's been eventful! but didn't do any hmwk whoops die. gonna try to finish maths tonightttt.. and the cards i wanted to make.. gah can i abandon them >: shitness haiiiiii. mainly got chingay, training, psl stuff and other side events uhhhh~ tmr got AGM from 8-5 omg *cries* oh today!!!! embarrassing max man. during regist debrief they were going thru the feeback and stuff andd i fell asleep cos abit the tired uhh. then mdm S was talking then i think she said sth "am i so boring until someone fell asleep?" then everyone turned back then beiyi poked me then i woke up then yeah i wanted to crawl into a hole and die basically. HORRIBLE EMBARRASSING HUMILIATING CRAP. k let's end that there.

ahhh class havent' come out yet~ feel ok actually. hasn't really struck me we'll all be going different places with different people. nothing has struck me yet. can't even believe we'll be sec 3 next year. can i just hide in a corner while you move on with your lives? please?? and yes, i do wish on every 11:11 if i catch it.. i'm prepared to have no life next year. i don't want a life actually. too much to think about. too much growing up to do. also my english has been deteriorating like crap; if there is one thing i would keep above all it'd probably be my language&writingstyle..

ever wonder what makes each of us feel better? i think mine's touch. when i feel insecure, no, uneasy is more apt; i'd want to touch someone i'm close to. I MEAN THAT COMPLETELY CLEANLY BTW. it's just comforting, don't you think? i wonder what other people do. if you could reply to this, would you like to share? ok i sound weird like this is some kind of forum ignore that please.

will you guide me through this haze? silver white winters that melt into spring.. bye!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

of course it's always my fault.
if sorry does not apply, then fine, i never believe you cos i don't trust you.
i don't mean that.
am i really really not trying?
i'm sick and tired of being so deep in mistake to try climbing out anymore.

bye!

Holding on to what i haven't got.

A good friend to too many is a horrible friend.
i can't let you down. i can't let you down anymore. i can't let you down too. i can't let you down either. but i can't choose. i don't want to. since when did being happy become so tiring? everything has to do with everything. let me carry the burden of my mistake alone. go away and be happy. one day all of you will leave me anyway when you finally realise i'm not worth your time. i'm trying i'm trying. but it's like trying to failing. oh hey, i remember having this problem ages ago hahaha apparently i still haven't learnt.

i still care, but so what? i can't hurt you anymore. 永远长不大.

i want to eat & i want to sleep.

Fear.

Boundless, abundant, uncontrollable, insuppressible fear.
i'm freaking scared. of what? i don't even know anymore. everything. what if what if what if. what if. endless possibilities, so many ways of dying of guilt. as if i don't already do everyday. i can't stand this. gah endsjvsdnvu. freak.

how do i move on without letting go?

i'm freaking scared of wednesday. i'm freaking scared of doing anything wrong again. i'm freaking scared of the day you'll give up. i'm freaking scared of giving up. i'm freaking scared of unforgiveness. i'm freaking scared of living. i'm freakng scared of you.

help.