"Human beings cannot be reduced..."

"Human beings cannot be reduced to an action, a political or intellectual position, a quotation in a newspaper, an essay or a story they have written…. We are never less—and actually much more because of our infinite potential—than the complete sum of our history, our stories, a sum which is constantly increasing, changing, through time." Eugene England, “On Spectral Evidence,” 1993

I love this.  

I think all of us are on a journey of self discovery and of learning to love ourselves.  And at the same time, all of us (or at least most) want to be loved and liked.  Sometimes it feels like to two goals of loving ourselves and having other people love us are in juxtaposition, because sometimes what is authentic about ourselves may cause other people to withdraw from our lives. And I hate that.  

There are plenty of things I dislike about myself and/or that I am constantly trying to improve.  But there are things I love about myself as well.  I love that I have a big heart. I feel very strong emotions about everything. Small things can cause me to spin into deep sadness, but at the same time, it doesn't take me very much to feel over the moon.   I want everyone to be happy, sometimes at the sake of my own happiness, which has its pros and cons.  I love people.  It's the people in my life that make my world go round.  For the rest of my life I want to be in a profession that surrounds me with people.  People are complex, interesting, and enrich my life.  I love that I love to learn.  I have always loved school.  I want to know things, all the nitty gritty details.  I want truth.  And if something doesn't add up in my mind and in my heart I question it, and I continue to research and learn. Often my views expand or change. I am only one person but I want to make the world a better place.  

I think that these are elements of myself that have always been with me, and, I believe, will always be with me.  I love this part of me.  This part of me has lead me support rights of LGBT individuals  including marriage.  It's also lead me to believe in feminism, especially Mormon feminism.  For me, these are positions of love.  If I were to turn my back on them, I would feel deep unhappiness and guilt.  My relationship with the LDS church has evolved and changed but it's not gone, even though there are many areas in which I feel deeply conflicted.  There are days where I feel like have to cut ties with my religion because it causes so much sadness. And there are other days where I feel deeply committed, and want to serve and be a part of that community. Also, most importantly, my relationship with my Savior has grown into something I feel wonderful about, and an immense amount of peace.   

This is where the juxtaposition comes in.  My relationships with my friends and family mean everything to me.  I am afraid to be authentic because I'm terrified to lose friendships; it's something I think about daily.  I know that I will still be a good, loving person and friend, but I'm afraid that won't matter to people.   But I'm also really tired of being afraid all the time.  And my exhaustion is reaching a peak.  I just really want to be myself.  And at my core, I still am the same person I've always been. 

Musings

It's been awhile since I've blogged. Life has slowed down and I've been doing a lot of soul searching, trying to figure out my goals for the next leg of life.

I've realized that I really love singing and I miss it. I don't pretend to have an incredible voice but I've also decided that I don't care. I've started to try relearning the guitar so that I can at least sing with my kids. I feel that music is important to the soul and mental health.

I have several minor health issues but the combination of which will probably prevent me from having more children.  This hurts. A lot.  And I'm trying to figure out how to be ok with that.  Sometimes I feel totally at peace with this idea, other times I sob uncontrollably. I still can't part with my baby clothes and toys. I'm  not ready to completely say no to the baby chapter of my life.

It really isn't that far off that my kids will be in school.  When they start school I want to go back to school.  I'm still trying to decide what to study.  I would love to be a junior high science teacher or a sociology professor but I think those might be out of my reach by now.  I think I would also like to be an ESL teacher for adults, so I might go that route.

Michael and I might be buying a house this fall!  I'm very excited about not having neighbors directly above us or sharing walls.  It feels kind of weird though.  I feel like we'll be "real" adults. Ha!

I really want to teach my kids to love learning and to love life. There is so much I want to do with my family! I want to take them to Disneyland while they're still young. I want to travel to Europe with just Michael.  I want to read SO many books. I want to learn how to love exercising.  I want to take my kids on enriching vacations like the ones I had growing up.  I want to read them the Harry Potter books, and all of  Roald Dahl, among many other books. I want to relax and soak up the present and stop trying to rush on to the next thing.

And I'm trying to love myself more and stop being afraid to show who I really am to others.  I do like who I am but I always think others might not.  So I'm trying to stop thinking that, or at least stop caring if others don't like me.  :)  It's terrifying to live authentically but I hope it's liberating.

I love my kids, and I love my husband. They're at the top of my list.  I also love books, poetry, flowers, lakes, movies, girly tv shows, science, being with friends, and delicious food.

I also love my relationship with God. When I sum it all up, life is pretty good, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

We have arrived!

It's been a pretty grueling year in many ways and good in others.  For the past few months I've been working at Dillard's and Mike's been working at a company here in Denver, writing computer code as an intern.  Well they made him a job offer this week, with health benefits and everything! Plus we also moved into our own place!  Hallelujah, I can hear the choruses sing!  We've had fun though in the process.  Parker turned two, I turned 26, we went to a beautiful wedding, and played at many great parks.  Colorado really is the best for parks. Here's a few pictures.

This was my attempt to take picture at Mike's cousin's wedding. But Mike refused to behave.

  I'm not really holding his hand, but rather pushing it away.

 Here I am trying to keep him from lifting up my skirt...

This one speaks for itself.. 

I turned 26!

 Parker turned 2!

Monkey cupcakes. They were delicious!

 Parker got a bunch of new hats!

 Handsome Jordan

 Halloween.  They both picked their own costumes.  Jordan wanted to be witch (he even had a broom) and Parker wanted to be a monkey. :) 

Jordan reading to Parker in their new room.  They both have handled the transition great!

Photo overload!

I realized that we've done quite a lot in the last few months, so here is an overview in photos.  The pictures are slightly out of chronological order even the they were uploaded in order...oh well.  

 Parker had an a-typical reaction to hand-fool-mouth disease.  Most kids get it, but not like this. 

That is marker on Jordan's face

Denver Children's museum

                                        

 Parker takes after his father....

 Michael's birthday cake. We are so artistic. :)

First time seeing my sister Stephanie in about a year.  She is pregnant with twins!

These two cousins are only 9 days apart. I hope they stay good friends. 

                                   

The Postal Service

We had so much fun! Definitely some of the most fun I have ever had.   Sadly I forgot my camera...but I did have my phone, so I got some ok photos.  If they ever tour again we will be going.  They were so talented and fun to watch.  All the band members could play multiple instruments, and Ben Gibbard definitely knows how to please a crowd.

 Third Row (well, technically the fifth row, the first two were roped off)

Ben Gibbard, Jimmy Tamborello, Jenny Lewis

Ben Gibbard played the drums, keyboard, guitar, plus sings all the songs. It was incredible. 

I sure wish my phone could have taken a clear photo...

Ra Ra Riot opened for them, they were really fun too.