food for thought...

Hi Diary, again it has been such a long time and i really forgot my login.. this time round i went to the trouble of resetting this and that...

i think i haven done much of a soul searching lately.. i saw some scenes today which i made a mental effort to remind myself to blog about... at least something worth reading..

have been quite in touch with the proj lately.. oh yes, we have a name now.. its called project rudolph.. the blog has been set up and we have received relatively positive comments.. things have really moved quite abit... cheers!

time flies.. i was recounting the time when i was just posted into this new division til the present.. things have really moved fast... from the start we have been working and working juz 3 or 4 of us.. til date the team has expanded to about 12... and we have moved in and settled comfortably in the new office... its amazing how far we have come.. and yes, i have just 'celebrated' my first year anniversary in my workplace on 1st aug! i dunno how far words can bring this, but time REALLY flies!

i guess the world is all about relativity, there is no absolute.. facts aside, i think we can only look at things as a benchmark, but not as a definite gd or bad... i was telling my mum that we really cant compare.. in life, what can we use as a yardstick to say that he is better than she? or the other way round?

i was doing some soul searching today as i took a closer look at what's going on around me and i thot deeper into the meaning of life.. sounds philosophical... hmmmm....

there is this cleaning uncle at my workplace who maintains the gents... i think i'm so used to things being the way they are that i dun scrutinise deep enough.. i noticed this uncle is an old man who is at least 80 years old, at least his hair are already all white.. i wondered to myself why he's still working at such an age.. doesnt he have children on his own? does he need this job so badly?

i was on my way out from the train station today to the bus stop on the way to work in the noon... the path is an open area without shelter.. almost in the middle of the pathway there was biscuit tin that said something like donate as you please in chinese.. two steps away from the tin sat an old man with an erhu on a stool... it was nearing the hottest time of the day with the sun bright and scorching... as i passed by i saw the man counting the 'donations' accumulated in the tin so far... i wondered if he was counting how long the money can last him... or whether he have enough for a meal... honestly i din feel anything then.. however, on hindsight, i thot its a rather sad thing...

on my way back today to tuition, i was exiting from the train station. it was raining heavily.. there was an ice-cream man parked almost at the edge of the shelter... it was dinner time and instead of having a simple dinner with a make-do packet of rice, he was munching on two slices of bread... it was quite a provoking sight as i thot how hard he is trying to make money selling ice cream on a rainy day... .. he probably has many mouths to feed at home...

the last two incidents made me think of how fortunate i am.. i am not well-to-do but i make do.. the scenes triggered the compassionate side of me... at the same time, i am ashamed to say that i dont think i can do much for them.. everyone is fighting for hard for each of their own survival... so much so that we often neglect the people around us...

back to my point about relativity.. as much as i think the people i mentioned earlier deserves our compassion, if we were to compare them to others from third world countries they are probably much better... i guess at the end of the day the point i am trying to drive across is that we should always seek comfort in the fact that we could have been worse off... and this makes us feel more privileged...

i think i am grateful for what i have, how about you?

break and rest...

Hi Diary, it's been almost a month since i last updated.... work has been really busy...

i really wanna take a break and go on a holiday.............................

started on something different today! we had our very first meeting to get things started.. creating something special for the kids this christmas!!! things are still v raw at this stage but we are moving fast!!! i am the external liaison officer... quite a xiong role haha.. i wanted to take something laid back but well... i'll take it on anyway...

cheers!!!

a tribute to my mama

Hi Diary, it is a sunday nite.. the calm before a busy week ahead.. i dun really have in mind wat i wan to blog today.. just write watever comes in..

I was reading my past entries earlier and felt quite happy that I wrote them down... capturing the main moments in my life.. one day if i ever find someone to share my life with i can share the memories captured in my blog.. well.. just a passing thought..

last sun there was a charity show on tv raising funds for earthquake victims.. the theme was gd.. everyone was casually dressed in a tee and jeans.. i thot that shld be the way for charity shows.. wat struck me most was the poetries that was recited instead of the songs.. it was so impactful.. i teared as i heard the poetry being recited about a child's last words to his mother as he walked the lonely path to the after life with other kids of the same fate.. the composer is real good to come up with something so impactful many pple teared during the show..

it made me think of the vulnerability of life.. how unpredictable life is.. and so on.. its the usual phrases people lament about life.. more than anything.. it made me think about my mum.. she's really wonderful.. so selfless and always willing to do anything for us.. whenever i think of someone closest to me.. she is the first one that comes to my mind.. i rem the time when i had a neck operation in p5.. she would always come and pick me up before and aft sch and carry my bag for me cos i cant carry heavy things. without fail even though my sch is only a road away..

she was brought up in a big family of 8 children.. being the second eldest girl, she worked in her family farm since young.. nv stepping out to work in the big and complex society.. as such, she was one simple minded woman who slogged and worked and ensured that her husband has dinner every night, her kids come back on time, and most importantly the house is kept clean...

all the way until 3 yrs back when our family went into financial crisis and she had to go out and work to help out in the finances.. that's the very first time that she went out and work... we were v worried about her initially as she is such a simple minded lady who could be bullied easily.. however, we also thought that she won't be working for long since i was graduating soon.. who knew that a year later, my dad had a stroke and that made things worse.. as a result.. she is still working today..

i think she is one great lady, a great wife and above all, a great mother of four.. everyday she slps at late hours in the nite and wake up early in the morn to go to work.. and she's doing manual work.. and she comes home to do the laundry and prepare dinner.. she literally slogs like a bull.. and it makes me ashamed to say that... i hope she can stop working soon and enjoy a better life with more of us working..

Thanks to all that you have done for me Mama, I love you....

thinking...

Hi Diary, its a saturday night... wat's everyone doing? wat's everyone busy with?

i'm sitting in front of the com blogging.. i wanted to catch up with some frens but i din know who to ask.. and i din know where to go.. so i thot juz stay home...

my health has been really poor lately.. on 2 days mc last week, down with fever and cough and flu.. and this wk its back again.. sigh.. now i really see the importance of being in good health.. being able to do the things that i want to...

i guess i'm too caught up with work.. i got to learn to take things in my stride and be more at ease with things.. my sis said i'm trying too hard to be nice.. and i agree... maybe i shld be more firm and protect myself.. hv been thinking of work almost every night lately.. which is why i dun get a gd slp and my health starts to give way.. prob i need some mental healing.. well.. i need to learn how to take things easy... with more people joining my team, i'm starting to feel threatened... prob i need to change that mentality abit.. i thot of wat lye said about us being v selfless.. i think it is true.. we have been brought up to put others before self.. which is why we find it so hard to reject others.. for me at least.. and in the process make myself unhappy.. yes i shld do something bout it..

my sister is in aust right now.. juz saw an email from her.. glad to know that she is having fun rite there.. i really admire her courage to go on this trip.. the way she made it possible, her determination.. something that i can nv do..i hope this trip turns our memorable for u.. great job sis!

i was looking at some travel sites earlier.. and i feel like taking a break to go on a holiday... not with a big group.. i wanna go on free and easy... i even thought of going all by myself.. juz to a place to relax and see new things, new people.. but i think i am scared of being alone in a room at nite hee...

i've been thinking of wat i really want to do with my life... it seems like besides work there's nothing really much to look forward to... other than driving lessons... i've been living in this self built wall for a long time i think.. and i'm aware that it is by choice that i shut pple out.. sometimes i juz wanna make myself miserable i dunno y.. haha.. ok enough for now...

Batam Trip

This is the first trip with my cousins out of Singapore. Look at the excited smiles on our faces as we board the bus to our resort!

This pic was taken at the resort outside our room.... show you wat's inside!

Yes....... look at the mosquito net! 2 beds in the room... first time slping in a bed with mosquito net! There's a balcony in the room overlooking the sea too! In case you are wondering it's damn hot, it is air conditioned!

Our shopping in the city...

Our water sports activties... that's me floating on a life vest in the centre...

That's the banana boat connected to a speed boat with a man all ready to swerve us into the water!

Our Last photo before Home Sweet Home... look at our blushed and sun burnt faces!

moody

Walking through the morning crowd on the way to office. What's your thoughts? What's the thoughts of others? The one on your left, on your right, in front of you, behind. *Blank*

Walking through the evening crowd back home, where are all the people rushing to? Home? Dinner? Dating? Family? Rushing to be alone?

What is the significance of me in the long long chain of people. How am I different from anyone of them? What is the similarity? *blank*

What is the role that I want to play in my life? Is it someone that I want to play or someone that I need to play?

A daughter to my parents, an eldest sister to my siblings, a friend to my friends, a colleague to my colleagues, a breadwinner to my family, a subordinate to my boss, a stranger to a passer-by, a confidante to whoever sees me as one, at the end of it all........... a woman.........

If you are a woman, what would be your ideal? I would like to experience all that a woman have... be a mother i hope.. one day... i'm nowhere near there for now..

where am i getting.. it's getting messy.................

been quite sick these few days.. coughing til my lungs cant wait to be seen.. fluctuating temperatures.. making me moody... cant slp... stared blankly on my way home today..

i told jl... how i wish there's a guy to take care of me... i'll get by though.. i've been alone all these yrs and i get by..

congrats to eh for being elected as PVC 2 Chairlady. I can sense your excitement and I believe you'll do well.. looking forward to the launch.. miss those meaningful days where we get messy and busy... that was a happy time for me... we must have more party time for dancing this time round..

its may already!

Hi Diary, i din really think of wat to blog until i saw zhao's blog earlier.. and i thot probably time to update... again.. i almost forgot my login.. took me some time to rem...

well well.. wat should i say? its already may! unknowingly or knowingly, the next batch of graduates are coming out and i hv been working for 9 mths already! time flies *tsk tsk*

work has been busy.. well.. not as in physical hours.. but quite taxing for my brain juices.. i dun see myself being v productive everyday but using my brain alot.. formulating policies.. thinking of possibilities.. well.. i dun wanna go into details as i guess that probably is boring.. sometimes i wonder if this is the place that i wanna stay for long... i contemplated leaving next year.. but well.. we'll see how it goes by then... will be moving to a new home soon.. targeted in aug.. which so happens to be 7th mth.. despite asking my boss not to move during that time... well... guess he's not as superstitious as me..

haven been really feeling well these two days.. my head hurts like it wanna burst.. its a terrible feeling.. though i always ask myself not to lose my temper but i thot i need to let it out instead of keeping it inside me.. but well.. the gd thing is that i'm falling in v deep slp lately.. not sure if its because of my new SeaHorse mattress that i bought with my bonus to reward myself hee...

i juz looked at my blog title.. its may already! time really flies.. oops.. am i repeating myself? hmmm haven been doing much lately.. quite looking forward to wkends where i can go for driving lessons though.. its fun but........ real ex... find myself drawing money so often! hope i pass the first attempt!

not sure if i can get myself producing quality post today.. haven done much thinking lately.. *think think* nope.. cant get anything out now... tired..

hope to see u soon..

sha la la la~

Hi Diary! It's been so long that I last updated that I almost cant rem my login!

Today's a happy day! I was feeling so troubled last few days. well i had a gd cry and found that i am ready to move on!

lately i've been busy with the certificate course. 6 modules of lessons and doing homework and the tension of going for assessment, and i am glad that i am going to complete my full cert soon! now i can design and develop courseware and assessment plan and can conduct training and assessment! first step nearer to a training career!

well after the course i start to think if i shld change careers now.. well well... we'll leave that for now..

back to today! i was actually quite sad til ytd. din know if i shld go out as i kept worrying if i have enough time to do my homework and work since its a long wkend. aft a while i decided to heck it and juz enjoy myself today! and i did of course.. been a v fulfilling day..

tks so much to eh for organising. i apologise if i have been difficult in one way or another as i sometimes think i do haha.. u made me see how nice it is to have frens, gd old frens. a feeling that i havent felt for a long time. :)

aft that i went to meet my cousins! and we decided that we are going batam in may! all set and the dates confirmed!!! Wheeee~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh yes, cant forget my sisters! they have been v nice and concerned bout me the last few days. its nice how three of us can support each other. home's always a safe harbour. :)

i suddenly felt like being in love.. a thot that came thru today.. however as one of the songs played, suddenly i felt a gripping fear from deep within.. i think it hit a scar haha... maybe i'm juz feeling too much emotions today hee....

First in 2008

Hi Diary, really don't know what to update today.

Times flies. We have begun a new year yet again. Life is normal. Except that now I say that I graduated last year instead of I just graduated.

Guess in the blinking of our eyes, I would be counting how many years I have graduated. The thought is scary! However, it is something that I cant control.

Lately, I find that I am really unproductive. I dunno what i do everyday but time juz passes. Work is usual nothing much, but the ties i have with the people there has strengthened to an extent where i feel comfortable being myself, talking nonsense and crapping. we dun talk too much about personal matters, at least i dun. but we enjoy each other's company. it's amazing.

been on course for the most of this week. though i juz got out of school but suddenly i feel so tired having one full day of lessons. nonetheless, i'm glad i have begun my continuous learning journey. i think i really like to learn new things. hee.

got a new policy lately. new liability. now i have to pay 250 bucks more each month, covering accidents, critical illness, and all.. part of it goes into investments. cool. i'm starting on my retirement planning. dunno y i dun really feel entirely happy. prob cos for now i see my money going away and i feel the ache. been procrastinating to get the policy. however, i thot i shld get it otherwise my family will suffer should something happen to me. planning for emergencies.

guess i'm quite troubled with my finances lately. sigh. my grandma had a fracture last mon. spent so much money. and yes, all my hard earned money. she has to go back for checkups almost every week. this mon when she went, her new cast cost 300 bucks. my heart dropped when i heard it. i sobbed silently on the way home on the cab.

cny is coming. my parents need new notes. 700 bucks of new notes, that's excluding the 500 bucks i gave my mum to get new year goodies. see... its all money. sigh. and i envy people who get to travel to the states. i'm still paying for my trip in dec every month.

sometimes i dunno if i look forward to pay day. everytime its pay day, i see myself sitting in front of the com, transferring funds to pay for my tuition fee loan, pc loan, utilities and miscellaneous fees. and i dun have to tell you that there isnt much left.

argh......... boo hoo... been trying to avoid thinking about this most of the time but well.. it's something that i cant always avoid.. but still... what doesnt kill me only makes me stronger.. i am proud. :)

well well... something happier. or rather i dunno if i feel anything. i passed my advanced theory today. the heavily invested test which included a trip there by cab and 2 trial practices. all out to pass. now i dunno if i shld start driving since i practically have no surplus. but well i guess i will. hee.

let's tok bout something more engaging. i got to know more and more trainers lately due to my job. and one common thing that i derived is that sometimes passion is the one that drives a person. or rather most of the time. i see trainers who are passionate about their work. so evident in the way they talk that i cant miss it. maybe i shld train too. one day my colleague said i need to have more gray hair if i wanted to train. hmmm... the other day i was chatting with a trainer, its amazing how we have seem to become frens instead, he said i will make a gd trainer with my cheerful personality. *tempting*

woking in cbd area, i get to see so many things. the bustle in the district.. it juz made me feel cold towards other people at times. some people that you always see but yet will nv get to know. some incidents people witness that stirs in their minds. strangers. wont a stranger not become strange after you start talking to him?

i dunno what i'm getting at. prob need some time to sort out my thoughts. til then, take gd care!