what's next?

Hi Diary, been a long time huh?


i am now back from my second trip for the year! let's talk bout this trip first... well well... not entirely a good trip compared to my first cos i had to take care of my parents.. the travelling was not good and the landscape not so nice and worse of all, i fell ill during my last two days there... was actually quite looking forward to the shopping part but time was sooooo tight that it only proved to be disappointing... nonetheless, after looking at the photos taken, i thot it was not too bad a trip after all... at least it gave me a space to get out of the urban city, the buzz and the rat race in raffles city to somewhere more relaxed and different... a slower pace kind of lifestyle that seems so inviting.. wat's more... i achieved my goal!!! definitely no regrets bout bringing my parents for the trip though unpleasantries happened along the way.. but i think it was definitely worth it... my dad beamed with joy when he alighted from the plane upon arrival at our destination... the kind of feeling is juz so satisfying.. i plan to send them to the place i went for my first trip... probably mid next year.. we'll see~~~

this year has been a great year for me... certain milestones in my life... the year started with me rushing final year project with corn and qy (yes, i still remember the nite where we stayed up til 5am in the morning at my place to get the report out). those company visits for our fyp... our gentle and sometimes kan chiong tutor... ahhh.... those memories bring me a smile hehe.... and in the end i earned my first ever A in uni though it came with a minus.. haha...

besides fyp we were also juggling with our last core module... which was also quite tedious and demanding... lots of differences in views, unhappiness and grouses... nonetheless, all ended happily on the last day of our lesson where we were sort of celebrating pre-convo with lots of phototaking (oops, just realised i lost these pics as well.. BooHoo!)

and very soon we were at the convocation. donning those gowns really made us look different... the convocation was nothing great, but it definitely was significant.. hectic day for me as i was rushing for my second interview of my current job.. lucky i got it in the end.. else it would have been such a pity that i missed out on the phototaking with my frens....

oops... i missed out my first trip.. the first trip was before my convocation.. yes... a beautiful place which i surely miss til now... i would definitely like to visit it again some day... my first ever maiden experience on board a plane... first ever travelling so far from home... can still remember how homesick i got on the first few days.... great trip... thanks to my sec sch buddies!

and slowly, things got to normal and started working and so forth til my recent trip... it's been a beautiful year... and i thank god and all that it has been smooth for me... no doubt things happened and changed, i'm glad that nothing's too fatal... watever happened, i adapted, either walking through it or around it... it has been such a nice time in sch.. frens that i thot will nv last beyond the last sem actually became frens for life.. taking effort to organise gatherings every fortnight... frens that i thot would have lasted for life disappointed me... nonetheless, people come and go.. i thank everyone i meet in life for all beautiful memories, for making me feel important and significant, for making me complete with emotions of joy, laughter, anger and sadness...

as the year comes to a close, it is time again for new year resolutions! its a pity that one can only continue moving forward and not backward haha.. seems like always after reminiscing the past, the practical thing is still to think of the next step.. well well... for me... i dun really know if i am ready for 'resolutions' but one thing for sure is that my next goal is to get my driving license! this is something that i've been putting for hold for so many years! it's time to get it right!

May I wish you a very Happy New Year and I hope everything goes well for you in this new year. May you have the strength to conquer, the power to overcome, and the determination to create what you wish!

rush~

Hi Diary, so sorry i havent really been blogging and i guess this blog has also been quite isolated for some time...

anyway... let me just do a quick post today! hmm i am so looking forward to my trip! a great chance for me to have my parents to myself and do something that i am proud of and never regret!

i feel quite lost now.. dun really know what to say.. juz feel that the co clique seems like in a big mess.. dunno if we ever will meet together as a clique someday.. i dun think i will organise one for the time being... i think i have done what i can and its time for me to step back...

i am juz typing watever comes to mind.. hee... today i was watching the show and i realised that our ancestors really had a tough time.. compared to my generation.. i believe most of them have never understood what is recreation... for them it's work the moment they open their eyes...

hmmmm .... *to be continued*

poetic

Hi Diary.... sorry i have been so lazy to blog lately... well... life as usual... really sad lately cos i lost my treasured memories from yunnan... all my pics from my 21st bday and all my uni pics... completely wiped out cos i reformated my com and i save my pics onto a spoilt disc... really sad... so sad that i spent an hr crying.. big big cries... partly also to clear watever negativity i had in me... not sure if it worked but well... life goes on...

today i dun wanna be too direct.. i wanna be more poetic in conveying my thoughts... hee.. give it a shot at my writing skills!

the flower, may appear radiant, may appear bright,
the flower, may appear worn, may appear neglected,
how is this so?
the flower chooses its appearance.
nonetheless, the appearance of the flower is a facade.
what lies beneath?
are there new petals waiting for be bloomed?
are there only last few petals waiting to be wilted?
for whom does the flower bloom?
for whom does the flower wilt?

the leaves around the flower,
are they as green as ever?
do they still bring out the beauty of the flower?
are they willing to hold the falling petals of the flower?

the four seasons, natural phenomena,
what happens to the flower?
will it enjoy the glow of spring?
will it flourish in the heat of summer?
will it withstand the breeze of autumn?
will it survive the coldness of winter?

at the present,
how is the flower?
basking in the company of flowers and leaves?
mocking at the facade of nature?
stones,
the flower stones.
the flower observes the surroundings,
attempting to look its best everyday,
accepting changes in weathers,
changes in wind directions,
changes in the elements.

the flower accepts,
what's past is past.
the flower looks ahead.

I think this is quite impressive! maybe i shld consider adopting this writing style in future.. haha... not bad... at least i reminded myself that i topped the class (and maybe the level?) for my literature exam in sec 2... haha those memories... reminded me of my strong interest in literature... hee...

Cheers!

happy~

Hi Diary~! hope u've been gd~! hee... i am really happy cos today is my pay day~!

haha.. things are turning out quite well... my insurance claim has also come in... and i muz declare that i am really happy!!! i am happy with everything ard me.. my purchasing power... my job... my everything! i guess the whole point of it still goes down to money.. with money now i can have more things that i wan for my family and myself... today just changed my diamond water filters... 500+ in total.. been procrastinating cos we simply dun hv the financial means... but now.. hee....

my job... i am really happy cos i feel appreciated.. the colleagues there are nice. ... and its not so desk bound as i get to meet many pple... i muz say its a gd start... and things are slowly taking off as the things left behind by my predecessor gets resolved... i am looking forward to the challenges that i can get my hands on and planning to go for some courses if the company is willing to sponsor me.. hee.... gd!

well... i muz say that i am really happy cos i untied a knot in my heart as well... i used to think of how some pple can get by being so arrogant and well... juz get by though they can get nasty... but now in the workplace i see it for all myself... such pple have problems getting along with others.. the kind where pple forget when there's gatherings... oh well.. its juz so obvious... and me being myself, i am happy the way i am... well i dunno where i'm going but all in all... i am proud of who i am~ hee....

i had a thot today.. i am happy this period cos i think everything is fulfiling for me due to money... but i guess this stage will soon pass cos money is used to solve some long time problems in my family... and therefore since i now have the earning power, its a matter of time that this phase pass. i guess i need to look for something new in my life which is enriching and fulfilling...

i am looking into financial planning, which means getting a full suite of protection and coverage... looking into the possibility of investment linked products... hee... happy happy~

It's So Nice To Be Happy~!

new

Hi diary, i've really been wanting to blog! i wanted to tell u so much stuff but cant get down to it! now that i'm declaring a rest period for myself(cos i'm down with flu), i shall take this time to tell u more!

well, last entry i mentioned bout the book, tuesdays with morrie. its really a gd book! the lessons in there are quite similar to the concepts of facilitating. oh well, its really really gd! however, it takes constant effort to rem them! hmm my mind is a fluster now and i cant really think of anything from the book offhand. but i muz say there are really gd quotes inside there that i ought to mention. something bout marriage, forgiveness, emotions, death blah blah... its gd its gd!

ok now, the thing that i really wanted to share is my new beginning! hmmm i am officially employed! damn gd benefits. we hv a jacket and polo shirt each. there's a mini gym. the pantry is like WOW~ with amazing view. i am glad and excited bout the exposure this job brings me. in fact i am really excited bout wat is to come. one down side though. my table is near the pantry and the first row of desks, so its quite open and noisy with many pple walking about! i had wished for a more quiet and isolated corner. nonetheless, i now have my own work station! still thinking of ways and means to decorate it!

oh i guess today's entry gonna be a rushed one cos i'm dying for a gd rest. i think adapting to new environment has made me tired and i haven slept much for the past two days. this wkend gonna be rush with tuitions and photo taking. and oh yes i've spent 500+ on contacts and specs! an amt that i'm greatly surprised! i hope my card quickly comes so i can use it to pay off haha~

i realised that i am too gd natured. always thinking that i shldnt think so badly, react so badly or rather negatively bout something. but in fact, i hv a right to! honestly, aft the gathering that day (was it juz mon? seemed like so long ago!), i realised for sure that i definitely regretted telling her bout the job opening. i was too confident and din expect she would get as far as the second interview, which in my view guaranteed a higher than high chance of getting the job. with the fact that she'll be drawing a higher salary due to her degree and wat's more, working in the same division, totally pisses me off. and the cause of all these strong negativity comes from the rude and authoritative attitude she exudes when asking me questions and non appreciative nonchalance. oh well, i've come bout that and wat i'm going to do(since i cant control others but myself), is that i'm going to work v hard and prove myself of a worthy employee! that should win the favour and respect of many others and get me further instead of bearing unconstructive grudges.

i was juz reading zhao's blog and i feel extremely sorry bout it. in any case, to be honest, i've felt that way before and for me, i reflected and thot probably i haven done enuff for my frens to wan to do something for me. in any case, zhao, u are definitely a gd fren to me and i sincerely treasure all the times together. ur frenship with me has come beyond that of surface frens. weaknesses aside, u are definitely one whom i can engage in intellectual talks with, and i definitely admire pple who are able to do that. i cant speak for others, but i've told u wat i felt. hope it clears some negativity u hv!

btw, nelson mandela's quote is real gd. its getting into me and i'm going to put this quote on my desk. i juz feel so empowered everytime i read it and i think watever i do is worth it! here goes, our weakness is not that we are indequate, its that we are powerful beyond measure...

Focus On What I Want To Create!

goals

Hi Diary, haven been blogging for some time.. always din manage to get down to blogging when i got something to share. nvm. at least i'm in the comfort of my home now and can type watever i wan.

well.. i ended the temp assignment that i took up in a moment of desperation. the pay is pathetic. wat's worse i realised it doesnt take a grad to do those stuff. yes i understand that hr involves alot of administrative work. but i juz wanna do more challenging stuff beyond that (a realisation aft ytd's interview). i realised that the person that i am substituting (going on maternity leave) is drawing 2.2 aft 7 yrs of service, sounds discouraging. nonetheless there's another lady who's drawing 3.8 aft 10 yrs of service. that sounds comforting. prob there was a difference in their qualifications. oh well.. i juz wan the best for me hee...

went for an interview ytd. that manager's attitude simply pissed me off. i had the urge to walk out of the interview room. aft all, i wasnt really keen on that job. i juz wanted more practice for interviews. the thot of it makes my blood boil. she simply keep interrogating why i quit the job. she said that her concern is i do not like doing administrative tasks which is part and parcel of every job. so there came my reply on the point that i wanted to undertake something tougher. and she kept quiet. i felt like the job scope was more of a personal assistant kind instead of wat i wan. i hope she offers me, so that i can reject her! haha!

the interview wasnt too bad on hindsight cos i realised that i declared wat i wanted in the written test that i took over there. i was all along clear of these but i didnt wan to acknowledge it. here goes... i wanna clear my educational loan by the age of 28 (initially it was 30, aft some calculations i realised i shld be able to clear it earlier). hmmmm longer term goal actually. another one. i wan to have a fitness centre membership(doesnt hv to be a reputable one, main purpose is to adopt a healthy lifestyle by exercising). i wanna join pilates or body sculpting classes to tone my body. main thing is to adopt a healthier lifestyle. for this goal, i hv yet to start working on it. one constraint is my finances which i think is not really a substantial reason. but now that i've declared it i'll get it done somehow.

short term goals.. i wanna send my parents to china for a holiday before the end of next yr. and i hope to get my driving license by end of next yr as well (a goal that i've been postponing ever since my 'a' lvls). and oh yes. i wanna see snow! that shall be one of my goals but prob it shld be classified under long term. hee.. i am really glad that i've the courage to acknowledge wat i wan. prob the 2-day job really had an effect cos it took me away from home into my personal space where i get in touch with myself, not like when i was at home, i juz numbed my way through.

my cousin told me he went to watch dim sum dollies ytd. he said it was real gd. and i really wanna watch it from the content he told me. will make it a point to go in next feb when it's going to be screened (according to him). and he also told me another theory that he said he read somewhere. it goes something like when u really wan something, declare it to the universe. cos the universe will work itself in such a way to give u wat u wan. for eg. pple who always say they are poor will end up poor. but pple who always say they are rich will be rich. a simple analogy. he said he is trying this theory and he feels it somehow works. i thot this was quite similar to wat we do in facilitating where we declare our goals. but i'm not sure if it stemmed from this theory. but its interesting anyway~

juan mentioned to me the other day that she thinks i no longer care for my frens as much as i do in the past.. hmmm something to ponder for me... i think it seems abit true cos i realised that i been isolating myself quite alot lately. and personally in my mind i seem to be making lesser effort in frenships. well.. i am not sure if its cos of disappointments in some frenships but i can still firmly say that i will be there whenever my frens need me. and i'm definitely one that can go thru tough times with my frens. *grins*

i am reading tuesdays with morrie now. juz started. juan say its a v sad book and i hope it doesnt make me pessimistic once again hee... will update aft i am done with it!

I Will Find A Good Job Soon~!

peace

Hi Diary, realised that i haven really got anything happy to share lately. well... i think i haven got anything that i'm happy bout anyway..

sigh~ i've gone for few interviews but no news so far... and i have more interviews this wk.. but none that i see hopes on either.. i realised that i probably cant perform during interviews.. get too uptight and dunno wat to say and i juz screw it.. job hunting has become my daily routine.. and it seems like i've gotten more or less to this routine that i dunno wat else to do... cant bring myself to do anything else...

anyway... my ancestors moved their homes ytd... a load off my mind now.. at least everything is done.... i hope they are happy... as i looked at their urns ytd, i cant help but feel sorry for wat they have missed... they were in their fifties when they passed away.. my grandpa... died of heart attack related problems at the age of 53... and i muz say although i havent seen him before.. i feel deeply for him... he has 2 wives... imagine how fortunate he will be given that he's still ard now... although 2 of my uncles have always made him angry, at least i believe he would be happier now with me and my siblings.. i've always thought the scene of a little girl holding her grandpa's hand strolling in the park to be a sweet and cosy feeling. nonetheless, he wld never have the chance. its a pity and a form of regret. life was hard for him. he was bought over at the age of 13 and not the original son of my great grandparents. in this way, i believe there definitely was some discrimination given the society of that generation. its quite sad that he cant return to his original roots after his death. and his off spring will always belong to the roots of his adopted father.

my second grandma, whom i guess all of us acknowledged as the official grandma. she died of brain cancer at the age of 58 when i was in primary two. at that time, my uncles and aunts(her off spring) were still young, in their twenties i guess. she was always nice to people and she worked very hard, slogging for the family holding several jobs after my grandpa passed away. it was really a misfortune that she had this illness. i always remember her warm smile. she was a hawker and always brought food for us. even through her last stage of life when she was balding and lying on her bed, she always greeted us with a smile whenever we visited her. these memories make me really vulnerable and i tear at the thot of these. as the smaller wife, i believed she also lost out in a way as she had a smaller status in the family. in a way i feel that my aunt and uncles (my own grandma's off spring) never really respected her. i think its so unfair to her. if she was still ard now, she wld have been able to experience the fillial piety from her sons, daughters and grandchildren(whom she has never seen). a virtuous woman she was. Dear grandma, i miss you.

i felt a sense of peace ytd that i've seen through the whole process. previously made a number of errands doing the necessary paper work. finally its done. and i hope that the two of them are happy in their after life., free of physical suffering and worries of the mortal world. ytd i was chatting with my sister that its really saddening at the realisation that ties are cut off upon the death of a person, i mean not including afterlife since i dunno how its like...

Life Is.....

crossroad

Hi Diary~ yeah no updates for a really long time... have been quite lazy to type...

still miss the trip that i went on earlier... since the last entry, i've been to yunnan and back~! its a Reeally beautiful place... (Rating: 5/5!) the one thing i miss most is the weather!!! i will always rem the feeling when i stepped out of the plane over there... the cool and chilly air is something that i will never experience back here at home... and the first time on board a plane.. *reminiscing* hmmmMmmmmMmmm.... lots of first time experiences for me... with my sec sch frens... a long awaited dream to travel together.. 5 of us... we have finally did it!!! ups and downs, gd and bad, pleasant and unpleasant.. we experienced everything during that 9 days... and now we are left with a stronger bond and fond memories... i thank everyone of them, jl,ds,sl,yf, for giving me such a wonderful first time experience abroad..

it was really a nice trip... i missed home of cos... and i cried on the bus at the thought of my mum who cant witness the beautiful scenery that i was viewing... and got lost... and fell into the pond.. miss the toilets, the purchasing power, the beautiful tribal costumes, changing from hotels to hotels... haha... so funny at the thot of it... oh i really miss the place~!!!! i hope to go back again in my retired days.. hee... u muz also visit there if u get the chance~! i hope to visit china in winter soon with my parents.. i wanna see snow~!!! hehe...

oh and aft the trip, there was a period of time when i din wanna do anything but isolate myself.. i guess i still couldnt get back to reality that i am home... haha... and probably feeling too lost... and time seems to fly.. it's almost one mth since i got back... so lately been moving full swing in getting a job cos i'm living on borrowed expenses... i got so sad last wk that i think i was going into depression...

things are better this wk... at least attended my first interview ytd.. and a few more to come i hope... one is confirmed haha.. oh yes.. why do i say cross road... cos i realised as i get more calls that i am feeling quite lost as to wat choice to make for my career... the most ideal situation... if all of these companies offer me a position... wat would i use as the selection criteria? is it pay? overseas posting? benefits? job security? company branding? i feel so lost... and a fear that i will make the wrong choice...

let me share with u something too... job hunting is really strange... when u dun hear anything, u dun... when u start to hear something, everything comes. haha... well.. i prob worry too much at the moment... maybe shld decide when there's really an offer hee... update u soon!

To Make A Choice, Prioritise First~!

update(s)

hey diary.. i wrote an entry this noon but i dunno how come it nv got published.. spent quite some time writing that... and now that i am editing this post i see the weird interface.. wat's wrong???

anyway i juz came back from clubbing... hmmm din have a gd time though... din like the music and the crowd... anyway it was a gd experience.. at least i know wat i like better hehe... spent quite some money though but well... this is the phase of celebration in my life right now... so i spoil myself rotten haha... went clubbing on wed nite too... its like the whole world was there.. met many pple... it was also so crowded that i din have space to move.. think the first time that i went was still better....

lately... time seems to fly faz and i dun really know wat i've been doing since exam ended on may.. haha.. worked and tuitions kept me bz i guess.. the last dash to get money before the trip... so that i can have a comfortable holiday... then been watching online dramas and reading for entertainment... i expected a bz may but now that the camp was postponed due to insufficent participants i have this wkend free... and aft that i'm off for my maiden trip on an aeroplane~! looking fwd~! cant believe it is happening~! it seems like sooo long when we registered at the fair in late march... aye aye.... time flies darling...

as for wat i mentioned in my last entry... i guess i wrote it when i was not stabilised... things seem to be better now... although i will keep reminding myself mentally of wat i learnt...

in any case, my main concern now seems to be work.. sigh~ brings a frown everytime i think about it.. went for a psychometric test today, ytd i mean. early in the morn and i realised that juz for that batch alone i have 5 other competitors. tough competition but i think i tried my best. the rest i have no control... probably i should juz enjoy the trip first and worry bout it when i come back...

been feeling v lost these 2 days... no craving for food and no enthusiasm to do anything, which is unlike me.. i seriously wonder wat's wrong... at this moment i realised that i probably really cant be in too close contact with others.... i dunno but i feel like everytime i get too close conflicts arise v easily.. maybe not an open showdown but somehow may get displeased? and i also realised that i will usually distant myself from pple when i feel that i am too close with them... i wonder which causes which....

suddenly thot of the pple around me... my uni and jc mates most of them are travelling now... its like taking turns to come and go that kind of thing.... and i realised that co clique is getting quite well with their own lives lately... is this the way things will eventually become? me doing my own things and my frens doing theirs.... hmmmm.............

catch up with u soon... the next time might probably be when i come back from my trip... take care darling~

I Know, I Can, I Will~!

grrrr....

Hi Diary... i dunno who to talk to at this pt of time except to find u... firstly, things got rather bad between me and her. and its so bad that i think its the end. i cant pretend nothing happened anymore. prob she cant too. i wanted to have a gd ending without any hard feelings. but apparently this is not the case.

i admit that i am really hurt. the hurt that i nv felt so deep from even from my past relationship. to be thot of and perceived so badly that i feel worthless. it's amazing how these negative voices keep playing in my head. eh is rite. but in any case, would i or should i still bother? i juz feel v unjust for myself. how much i put in to the extent that i can tear that i am act this way in her eyes. but oh well. i muz move on. as wat yf says, i shldnt take it personally if she is like that to everyone. i juz feel better if someone supports me and agrees with me.

last nite i went for a walk downstairs at the wee hrs of the nite. this is something that happened in the past. i see it coming back. its not a gd sign. i got to do something about it. or probably i shldnt be so uptight bout it. aft all, maybe its not as bad as it seems.

in any case i muz acknowledge how patient eh is in listening to me. i really cannot thank you enuff. u hv been such a darling to me. thank you so much for the support that comes so naturally and magnanimously. i really hope i can go far with u. u make me shine.

this incident also brings a question of how deep the frenship is in our clique. did we really hv a trusting relationship? wat was our relationship built on? have the rest of them supported me enuff? in any case, as i told zhao before, i wun deprive my happiness with them juz cos of my unhappiness with her.

something light. its really gd to take risks. i took a risk today and i'm glad it turned out well. prob this is something that i shld focus on creating! in any case. this incident made me cherish my other frens more. and it made me realise how impt my sec sch frens are to me. thanks to yf for listening to me. i feel so much better with the trust from all of u.

wat i wanna conclude is that i am really thankful to everyone that i meet. cos from each and everyone i see for myself who i wan/not wan to be. this incident will hurt me but i guess i will still continue to do things for frens that deserve my attention. i shldnt be so foolish to allow myself to be in a bad shape or dwell on unhappiness. i will know how to deal with negative voices better.

Fight For My Own Happiness~!

achieving........

Hi Diary, have been quiet for some time... like this new layout.. looks so clean and fresh... been wanting to update for a long time but always cant get down to doing it.. shall juz do it now.. cos there wun be a best time anyway... haha...

hmmm the whole of march went by quickly... major thing was that finally fyp is cleared~! will always rem the last 2 days before the deadline... how we did til the wee wee hrs of the morning.... editing and making sure everything turned out rite... really muz acknowledge my grp mates for the perseverance and efforts they put in... they hv also been v understanding as well... we had really a great time working together and i am glad and proud to tell myself that i did not make the wrong choice... no matter wat the grade is.. i am proud of the work we hv done!

hmmm aft fyp was some celebration for me.. the wk aft that i think i skipped some lessons and stayed away from pple as a form of isolation... i juz thot that i needed time for myself... and i wanna be away from the rest of the world by staying at home.. anyway these time went by quickly and its now the end of march~!

last entry i mentioned bout attending this lesson in formal wear... well i wld say that aft 4 lessons.. i think she is not that bad aft all... her teaching style is v facilitating.. which really triggered lots of thots and i think i got alot out of her lessons compared to others... amazingly i did not doze off for a single moment in the four hrs of lessons~! and i was so alert and i really think the class was fruitful... well.. i still dun like the proj for this mod.. with a big proj grp with differing views... it seems to be so tough coming to conclusions......

hmmm nothing exciting that happened but one very big thing that made me really happy~! that is i am going to achieve my goal~!!!! went to natas fair and booked myself a trip to yunnan in may~! its really really nice.. i cant believe this is happening~! its juz so exciting~! going with my sec sch buds... something that i been wanting to do with them~! rem that i missed a trip to australia during sec sch days... i felt so sad whenever they tok bout it.. now there is a chance for us to go on a trip finally~! it is really symbolic for me since it is a first time experience... i really hope that everything goes well and i will be happy to update bout the trip when the time comes~!

this thing really made me more sure and confident of myself... it proves that i can achieve goals if i really set myself to.. and lately i feel a sense of... i dun really know how to say it... i feel quite proud of myself in a way.. oh yes.. probably narcisstic is the word haha... i also realised that i have been neglecting myself for who i really am.. and currently i am acknowledging myself... that i am not really that bad... haha where is this going... i dunno how to put it into words... juz proud of myself to be simple~

been thinking thru lately... i think the training really made a diff to me.. i told lye that i wld nv hv made this trip possible if i din attend the training... the impact of the training may be different for everyone.. but i am glad that i took alot of things out with me... something that works for me... lately i am more aware of wat i wan in terms of relationships with pple... i think lye is right.. we shld mix with more positive pple... aft all wat is the pt of having negative pple ard u who keeps criticising and think that u cannot do it? such conversations serve no purpose in moving someone forward... humans need encouragement and pple to believe them that they can shine...

toking bout relationships with others... i always neglected my jc clique... but come to think of it.. i quite enjoy their company and in fact they are the postive pple that i shld be mixing with... instead of some pple that is always with me but is always negative... making me feel so put down and useless... and aft rethinking i feel that this is not wat i wan... so i am going to do something bout it... haha.. not sure if awareness is a gd thing cos with awareness comes a choice of wat i can do to change or accept things... in any case.. i am glad that i realised this... cos i can really choose to be who i really am and be acknowledged for all the gd that i am.. of cos i welcome criticisms.. however i think its not necessary that i hv to be made to think of myself as not being gd enuff most of the time.. in any case thanks to the pple whom made me aware of this... becos of them i am able to tell wat i really wan....

Is Awareness A Good Thing?

rojak~

Hi Diary.. haven updated u for quite some time... today my entry gonna be messy cos i have no focus til now.. hence the title.. haha...

hmmm sch has been bz lately.. the final lap of a degree course with the biggest obstacle course called the final yr proj.. fortunately for me... i juz handed in my first draft.. though i predict that drastic changes have to be made.. still feel relieved that we see some form of report now... then its so irritating that everything is clashing during that wk... assignments presentations and quiz... argh... and yes.. reminds me of that somebody who's gonna take us for the remaining lessons of this mod that i totally hate... sigh~~ definitely not something welcoming.. like wat i told corn... we gonna be practising how to roll eyes during class... LOL...

as for frens... hmmm still feel v happy to have met two gd frens... stuck together for these few sems... great time together going thru all the shit and making fun of each other during tough times... they really made life so much easier for me... i thot i will go thru uni without making any gd frens... but i think they proved me wrong... i will surely miss them when we grad... wow... my thoughts are drifting to convo day hee... and i always hv a fear for too looking forward to something.. cos there were so many times when i was so excited bout some events and something happened to spoil it... so i really pray that nothing goes wrong and i can grad smoothly... *big grins*

wat comes aft the word grad is employment... and i haven secured one still.... sigh~ i dun expect much but i really need a job~! and again i pray that i get a gd one... as for the definition of gd... hmmm i dun really know yet... guess i haven put gd thots into this yet...

as i think thru... hmmmm some frens maybe wun last for me.... oh man i dun really know how to start on this... juz think that i really miss my sec sch frens suddenly... the kind of peace and calmness i experience with them.. compared to my other cliques they are a real serious lot... somehow miss that kind of serenity... its quite saddening that all of us are bz with our own things lately.. not much of contact and updating each other... this yr new yr we din even make it to meet up... sigh~ i hope things improve... nonetheless i guess that's juz the way our frenships work... keeping each other in our hearts.. at least that is true for me....

i think i shld really start deleting some of my older entries... some things are juz not worth remembering... so saddening to relive those memories again... looking at the dates i juz realised that its coming to 2 years since my first entry.... time really really flies... i guess i shld juz be more fwd looking haha~

this cny was peaceful for me as usual.. but i prefer it this way too... and i really think its v generous of it was really generous of 2nd uncle and aunt to stock up so much things in their fridge for the steamboat for all our relatives... i believe those balls and stuff dun come cheap~! and of cos its so nice that all our cousins are together... unfortunately din get to go for the movie on the first day though.. it was really a big gathering on the third day where all cousins and aunts and uncles and some extended relatives gather at my grandma's place for my grandpa's death anniversary.. i think its really amazing... yeah it was awful when my grandpa passed away at that period.. but yrs hv gone by and now it becomes a gathering annually with smiley faces and crowded chattings.. dun really know how to describe it... and yeah as for my cousins... its sad that we only see each other once every year but i am glad that all of us dun really feel awkward with each other.. except for 2 of my cousins.. siblings.. somehow they always appear secretive haha~ well... cant do much bout that though... and sometimes i wonder.. when my grandma is gone.. will we still hv such gatherings?

the other day i was getting some new yr cards when i saw this old man using a walker... and walking so slowly u barely see him lift his feet... all i can see is his wobbly feet trembling and struggling to walk... and looking up at his face.. it was so familiar... i rem seeing him during my sec sch days... so active at the senior citizens' corner at my void deck... walking ard grooming the plants at the corner... and this is really a far cry from the way he looks now... i felt quite overwhelmed by this encounter and i thot how helpless life can be... it juz had juz an impact on me that made me feel down for some time... sigh~ sometimes i really wonder wat does life bring me...

think i shall stop here for now... i realised that i spent close to an hr writing this much... haha... will update u again soon....

What Does Life Bring Me~!

recounting...

Hi Diary... haven been updating u for such a long long time~!

let's see wat has happened... hmmmm this is my last semester.... continuing with the language at a higher level.. and i have this mod that i really hate lots... so much that i feel so reluctant to go for lessons... totally no content and yet the expectation is so high... made me feel like juz screwing it... such a big proj grp which makes coordination difficult.. sigh sigh sigh...

and toking bout my fyp.. the due date is so near and i have not started on the report yet! have done 5 site visits til i get so sick of attending... haha... though quite interesting... visited the top of a construction site... then went to a petrochemical co which served as sumptuous lunch... well... its interesting along the way... at least the proj does not have much figures and i dun have to run those spss stuff which i really have no idea bout.. *thank god* but now muz really work hard on the report~!

and yes... volunteer proj has come to a close 2 wks ago... the finale was so heart wrenching.. made me full of emotions and teared so easily... felt so vulnerable haha.... but i totally have no regrets... and its definitely something worth my memory.. i guess it is something that i wun wanna go thru again haha~ but we shall see.... hehe~~~

throughout the course of the proj especially towards the ending.. i realised that i have neglected alot of pple ard me... which included my family as in my parents and bro since my sisters are in the proj as well... then there are my sec sch mates and jc mates... well well... i have made efforts to get in touch back with my family.. have been spending time with my bro bringing him out to get the sneakers that he wants... and helping my parents make preparations for new yr.. next target will be my frens hee....

but then again.. drift back to the proj... it was really an empowering experience with the things that we did... and i learnt that a committed person really feels more strongly in terms of emotions... to quote wat eh said.. 'double the happiness, double the sadness'... i guess no amt of words can describe exactly wat i went through... the feelings are beyond my vocabulary power haha...

hmmm not much focus in this blog... seems like juz an entry to show that it is still active.. haha... pre cny mood~! haha... not that i am really looking fwd though... but juz that i see it more of a time to relax and rest... the thot of the period aft cny.. sigh~ gonna be madness with those fyp and proj deadlines...

shall tok to u again soon~

Happy Chinese New Year~!

Grins~

Hey~! Happy! this is wat i am feeling~!!!

Have been so busy with the project lately.. my thots are always about the proj~! we are all approaching the ending phase and all of us are all geared up for the last lap~!!! i guess lately this project has kept us all busy but happy in the process..

went for pen collection on sun morn... it was so tiring~! and the response i got was a far cry from the rest~! but i was really amazed at the overall results~! aft the tiring collection we went down all the way to the bazaar.. crazy thing i thot.. cos all the way there with the cost of cab fees... but i juz felt this sudden drive to go down and render some support~! the bazaar was totally pathetic.. but we had fun... and for me... at the end of the day i realised that i felt a closeness within the clique that i haven felt for some time.. all of us laughing and playing together again.. Feels Totally Great~!

and the next big event is the collection this sat... so proud that my kids have managed to rope in so many schools.. no matter wat the results are... they are already winners~! i muz say that my heart goes all out to them looking at how bz they are with the project.. there are now sick ones... tired ones.. and even those with parents that are unhappy with them putting in so much time... i guess at the end of the whole proj.. i will feel sad cos it has ended... but the fond memories will always stay with me... it is a fact that these pple have come into my lives and greatly enriched my mundane life with meetings and activities... the zest and commitment... well... juz everything~!

sch has started for me lately... and its my last sem.. i was thinking today that it seemed like juz yesterday when i donned the undergraduate robe... its really amazing... i wish for a slack sem ahead but judging from my first lessons... seems like its another tough sem ahead with intensive projects on top of final yr proj.. nonetheless.. this will be a memorable sem i guess...

i saw this on CNA today... this person toking bout gd leaders.. and i thot it quite meaningful... for u guys to give it a thot!

Leaders Encourage Members To Be Committed, Not Compliant~!

1st in 2007...

Hi Diary... time flies... haha when can i stop using that as a starter line man.... anyway so sorry that i haven been updating u!

things have been going well lately.. at least i am grateful that there's peace on my side... though the ending on the year has been quite unkind to me... with an accident and a viral attack that gave me a fever of 39 degrees which refuse to subside after 5 panadols and had to be put out with an injection that cost me 68 bucks! wat a way to end the yr!

anyway that's over now and i am now in a new yr~! on hindsight.. i have really enjoyed my stay at the last company that i worked in.. will definitely miss the place.. in the month of december.. i have met many frenly pple and made frens.. and bumped into 2 of my secondary sch mates during lunch on separate occasions.. one of them couldnt recognise me though i was waving juz in front of him.. haha.. funny encounter.. but it was really nice to see them again.. how time flies man.. we were juz innocent sec sch kids some yrs back.. and suddenly we are all grown up leading independent and separate lives of our own... sigh~~~ helplessness...

well well.... fond are the memories i have with me... and will always keep them.. moving on.. wat would i like to establish in this yr??? firstly... this yr will be uncertain cos i am finally reaching my goal of wearing the robe.. and then i think i deserve a gd break so i really pray that my grad trip will materialise smoothly! as for career... i have no concrete plans.. and i am stumped everytime pple ask me wat i wanna do.. i guess it also depends on opportunities.. for now.. i juz hope to enjoy my last sem in sch.. muz still work though.. need to cover sch fees.. hehe.. this sem i will be taking spanish level 2... really hope to visit spain someday.. hmmm....

other than sch, frenships wise.. its hard to say... but i will of cos cherish my frens as much as they deserve to be! hee.. thank you so much for being there to me! everyone of u made a difference to my life! oh yes.. my sec sch bud wrote me v touching testimonials yesterday.. made me feel so worth it for wat i've done hee! well... like wat i told zhao before.. this woman(me!) is easy to pls~! hahahaha~~~~~~~~

one thing to look forward to is the completion of this volunteer project.. i guess i will be sad when it ultimately ends.. but i also know it will leave me with fond memories of experiences and empowerment that others might not have a chance to own.. in a way.. being more involved in such things keep me occupied and makes me feel enriched.. taking away the time and attention spent on other things that i do not have.. such as love... well its not exactly that i do not have that.. i have love from my mum and family as well as my darlie frens hee.. in any case... i am happy being by myself and such things can be left to those v quiet moments that i have with myself to agonise over hahahaha~!

sigh.. i am still having cold sweat from the medicine that i am taking... let me get well soon.

New Year, New Beginnings!