superhero:D

so much stress building up. white hair growing all over the head. tears filling the eyes. so much to rant about. but nothing changes. work still has to be done. theres a limit to everything and im afraid i cant hold it in any longer. whos here to hear me rant.

who said growing up was fun. gone are those days when we can go on a holiday as a big group because out schedules were almost the same. the only thing holding us back was money issues. we're all grown ups now earning our own keep. but its so hard to plan a time to have dinner together as a group. what more talk about going on a trip together.

i miss those carefree days. call me childish or immature. but i never like growing up. always wishing to live in my own little neverland.

what can i say? what can i do?

i wish it could as simple as well..

what do you do when our distance feels so far apart?

just want to feel appreciated and needed.

we're drifting. and i hate to think what might happen to us.

second to everything.

No one understands this feeling. Because I can't figure it out as well.

how do you stay strong when all is wrong? how do you keep smiling when you knw smth is wrong? I need to stay strong. I need to be strong.

I can't accept this. I wish I lived in neverland then none of such things would ever happen. This pain is unbearable. These thoughts can't go away.

Missing you just runs too deep.

不是所有事情都可以当成是理所当然的。

everytime i feel like giving up, i'll remind myself on why i held on in the first place. but im getting tired. i dont know how much longer i can hold on.

i dont know how or when i became like this.

me and my nonsense. i hate myself being like this. times like this, i wonder who i can turn to.

sometimes i just need that little assurance.

that fear will probably always be there. no matter what happens, no matter how long time has pass, that fear will still always be there. its too hard for someone else to understand.

I miss my teammates. :'(

i once did. they say second chances dont come easy. we had more than two but we let them slip by far too easily. perhaps this is the way we're meant to be.

we're selfish in our ways.

im really trying to convince myself that this will all go right in the end. im scared.

and so a friend told me something along the line "i never change. im still who i am. i only change my lifestyle". yeah something along that line. and it kinda got me thinking. he may just be right. we think people change because they stop living the kind of life that we want them to live in. not the kind of life that they want to live in. perhaps maybe people never change. deep inside, they are still who they are. they just start living a different life and perhaps the kind of life that they live now isnt the same as the one you shared, but at the end of the day, they might still just be who you knew them to be. have faith and trust. my thoughts contradict each other a lot. i always think too much. its true and perhaps sometimes i should just let it go. live life as it comes. dont stress and just be happy. im getting there, i am.

those words we use. even if we dont mean them like the way it is, it can be easily misinterpreted and end up hurting someone.

Sometimes i wish i knew the right things to do and the right things to say. maybe im just not good at such stuff. sometimes i just feel like giving up. im not that strong. im just another girl afterall.

will you accept me for who i am?

i was standing at bishan mrt waiting for someone just now and i started people watching. got me thinking, what are they working as? are they happy with their jobs? are they doing what they want? are they feeling the same way as i do? how did they get their jobs? am i not trying hard enough? so many questions running through my mind. when am i going to figure out what i want to do? maybe im thinking too much. somehow things will probably work out. if only i knew how. when we're young, we cant wait to grow up. when we are so stressed up with exams, we cant wait to go out there and work. but when we are working, we realised that student days are still the best. the grass is always greener on the other side i guess. oh well. ranting it out here makes me feel much better.

im slowly driving myself crazy. i dont know what i want to do. all those nonsense i say, i dont mean them. its so hard to explain. im going crazy if i dont get a proper job soon.

sometimes i really wished that there was something that i was good at. maybe i never will be good enough. i just dont know how or what to do. am i asking too much of myself? lost. i need to find my way back.

too much thoughts in my mind. maybe i've been thinking too much. i tend to overcomplicate matters and end up making things difficult for myself. maybe i just cannot accept the fact that something good can actually happen to me and that maybe i deserve to be happy too. maybe its just that simple. theres always a battle between my heart and my mind. but im trying, i really am.

its time to go for long runs. long night runs. but i've been getting far too lazy. the thought of having to wake up early for work the next day just turns down every thought of working out at night. im damn lazy i know.

"sometimes the questions are complicated, but the answers are simple."

"Life's all about moments of impact and how they change our lives forever. But what if one day, you could no longer remember any of them?"
"The truth is we're sum of all the moments we've experienced with all the people we've ever known... and these moments become our history."

sometimes i would really wonder what its like to not remember part of my life. life may seem easier if you choose to not look for those memories. but then again, what would happen to those people you left behind? those that matter, those who care. would it be easier to search for all those lost memories or to leave it all behind and start anew from where you left off?
wouldnt it be nice to start off an album having a photo a day to mark everyday in our lives? okay random thoughts.

What do you do when you know that was best is not enough?

remember when we were young? we always had an ambition. it was pretty much standard what we want to be when we grow up. either a doctor, lawyer, policeman, teacher, firefighter or businessman. thats pretty much the answers kids will give back then. what happened to those ambitions when we grew up? were they forgotten or were they unachievable?

pretty much coming to this point in life where i dont know where exactly to go. what do i wanna do? i dont know. why did it used to be so simple in the past? where did all those dreams and aspirations go to? when did everything start becoming so complicated?

sometimes, even the simplest things can mean alot.
its the little things that actually matter. (:

and i thought i told myself that no one should be allowed to make me feel like that anymore.

theres pretty much nothing i can do. i guess i might give up without fighting not because its not worth it but because i dont think im good enough. im probably just not as strong as i seem to be. if its meant to be, it will be.

whatever will be, will be.

im done with this. i've been a fool far too many times. i wonder how you can just lie blindly.

i hate liars. the truth always gets out. f.

its probably stupid for us to be just sitting there waiting for something to happen.

or maybe the chance was handed right in front of me but i let it slipped away.

all pillars demolished. more barriers built up.

perhaps i can only blame myself for actually thinking that you may be telling the truth and meaning what you say. perhaps im just that dumb. thank you for making me feel so stupid for convincing myself time after time that you would never lie. but i guess i just never knew you well enough and i let my heart get the better of me. tired of trying. tired of being there. tired of all of these.

when someone tells you something, and you really wanna believe those words said but their actions just cant seem to match with what they said to you, how do you get
yourself to believe in them?

at the end of the day, who am i trying to kid?

and why cant i just be a little better? just a little.

a special connection. it will always be there.

some decisions made may end up hurting others. some words so easily said may end up with unexpected consequences. im not sure what im feeling or what is going on anymore.

I'm in japan now! Weee! First time ever I'm seeing snow. So white so soft so pure! Lucky of us to be able to catch snow falling down from the sky on the first day here! Looks so good. And so exciting when I see smoke whenever I talk! Its cold, horribly cold and I can barely take it but its great! Wonderful experience though!

off to japan tmr! and im like not totally packed! dk what shoes to wear dk what bag to bring. im so excited! but im damn scared that the weather will be horribly cold! wee excited excited excited! i hope i get to see all the nice sights and take lots of pictures!

sometimes in life, you just gotta take the leap of faith. to not be afraid of the "what ifs". you dont exactly want to be looking back at your life in a few years' time and think of the "if onlys" and "what could have beens". but how often in life can we look beyond all those risks and just take that leap of faith to do what we want?

follow your heart or follow your mind. sometimes, its really okay to just follow your heart and just do it. opportunity only comes knocking once. rarely does it knocks a second time. if it does, you really are lucky and you better learn how to treasure that second chance that you are given. not everyone gets that second chance.

2011 is coming to an end soon.22 more days to be exact. watching new year's eve before the year end is probably a good idea. it may not be everyone's kind of show but at least for me, it got me thinking about life. before the year ends, just stop give yourself a little time and think back. fulfil all your new year's resolutions. give things a second chance. relive all those memories. make the last month of the year a memorable and fulfilling one.

and i guess, i will do the very same and i just might, take that leap of faith.

"its not insanity. its serendipity."

time after time, i hear myself asking me the same question. "why do you keep putting yourself through this?" i hear myself telling me the same thing over and over again. " you dont deserve to be treated like this. you can always just walk away."

but i never did. is it due to stupidity or because i thought it was worth it? sometimes, i dont really know the answer myself.

more often than not, we sometimes get too caught up in our own shit, our own problems that we forget that the people around us are having their own problems as well. why is it that they can be there for us when we're feeling down and yet, it seems so hard for us to be there for them when all they need is just a listening ear, someone to let them know that people still care? why is it that when we are having fun, somehow we forgot to bring them into the fun as well?
perhaps for some people, they only have to depend on themselves when they fall into a shithole.

"When a person enters your life the timing plays an impt role also. Certain things once it's gone means it's gone. "

time really does tell alot of things doesnt it? i've heard "time will tell" countless times and honestly, time hasnt exactly told me much has it?

stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and think of what could go right.

how do you ever keep that passion going so strong?
how do you ever keep that fire burning in you?

so many thoughts. so many things that i wanna do. but yet, im afraid. of what? i dont really know.

what if one day we run out of words to say? will we stop talking to each other?

is it that we always take things for granted and not appreciate what we have? what if its too late

Maybe you don't know what you wanted. Or maybe I'm just not good enough. Or I probably never will be.

cause in one way or another, you can never be replaced.

if i could turn back time, there are some things that i wouldnt have said and done.

even after all these time, i still want to know why everything happened the way it did.

i just read my horoscope off my phone not long ago. true or not? sometimes some things i read can seem so true. but im not exactly a believer of horoscopes. probably only when they seem true. oh well.whatever.

"you have allowed yourself to get used to something that at one time you would not have tolerated. over a certain period, you became rather numb to certain circumstances of your life. when you look back, you will recall that you didnt want to proceed with something but you felt you had no c hoice. but you did have a choice, Libra - and you still have a choice. but if you keep turning a blind eye to the way things are, they will never change. dont get used to accepting something sub-par when you deserve so much more. "

true or not?

"not everything turns into what its supposed to be.
not everyone is supposed to just walk out of your life.
sometimes surprises and second chances do happen..
and when they do, you've gotta not be afraid and let them happen."

because sometimes, i wish that nothing has ever changed. sometimes, i wish that we all stayed the same. and i wished that we never grew old. i wish i lived in neverland where i never need to grow up. never need to have problems. yes. im always running from reality, living in denial, my own little bubble. and thats the way that makes me happy. sucking everything up and forgetting it after one night's sleep makes everything better again.

polite once again. remembering the feeling we had when we first won the women's cup 5 years ago, the hard work through all the trainings were worth it. however, the feeling of losing the cup one year later was never good. watching the girls as they trained hard, watching them in their final year fighting hard to get the cup back once again, the tears of joy everyone had was something so memorable. watching them win it back once again this year was good. but things have changed. feelings are different. i miss the team. i miss what we had.

that aside, at least i do know that after all these times, some things and some people never change much. we still can have fun and talk like before. and i really do miss this friendship.

you know that feeling of uncertainty about whether something is just a habit or whether its something else? im having this feeling right now but im kind of sure what it is.

because after all this, somehow or rather, some things never changed. some feelings never go away.

i still miss racing. i still miss doing marathons.

i contradict my thoughts far too much.

What I need is a friend to tell me that's its okay and that no matter what the results may be, they'll always be there.

im considering to get a tumblr account. shld i or shld i not?
tumblr's fun only with the reblogs and thats all i can see to it.

oh well. work's so boring. im so free to do anything.
thanks to those ppl who's entertaining me most of the day. helping to keep me alive and awake!

someone told me to stay away from you. should i or should i not?

its funny how the things you once thought mattered so much to you dont seem to matter much anymore, and how the things that never used to matter can now matter so much.

and who would have imagined that the person who can make you smile every single day would also be the one who can cause you to cry yourself to sleep every single night? who would have thought that someone who was once a stranger can become someone so special? we meet many people in our lives. some stay as strangers, some become acquaintances, and the rest are friends whom we choose to keep in our lives. yet, people come, people go. who's here to stay? who's worth keeping? who can we let go? who can we trust?

for me, i appreciate everyone who comes into my life. everyone i meet along the way has made an impact, make a difference in my life. and yes, i guess im lucky enough to meet alot of people who care for me and love me. because i know that there are people who will be there for me unconditionally when i need them. if one day we start drifting apart, i know i'll keep trying to make things work. but with that said, i do get tired of trying as well. when you keep trying and things just doesnt work out. and probably, thats the time to let go because its just not worth it anymore.

theres so many "what ifs" and "if onlys" in our lives. what if i didnt go for it? what if i waited? if only this didnt happen. if only i did this. its inevitable that we will have regrets in our lives. but i remember something someone once told me. he told me that i should never regret anything that have once made me happy. its always easier said than done. but if we really think about it, its true. some choices we make in life may not have been the best. but we learn from these mistakes we make and we'll in turn grow and become a better person. im still learning and trying my best to look on the postive sides of things.

i read this line somewhere recently,"sometimes disappointment is inevitable. It’s what happens next that’s important." its true isnt it. there are bound to be disappointments in our lives. people are going to let us down, things are going to happen, we are going to fall down. but its how we choose to look at things. how we are going to stand up when we fall, how we are going to face all the situations.

there is something that has pretty much been on my mind all these while. perhaps i have just been sitting around just waiting for it to happen. and when it has happened, i realised that there are too many emotions building up inside me. theres a little part of me who's happy and maybe theres also a hint of disappointment. and thats probably because i have too much doubts. i never believed that good things will happen. i never believed that things will go my way. or should i say that i never believed that im lucky enough for good things to come my way. there's always a part of me that cannot trust. a part of me that feels that everything is too good to be true. i should probably learn that i do deserve some of the things i have. and be thankful for them.

and perhaps this time, i deserve to be happy.

my thoughts are so random i can kill myself. omg.

cause i know im happy now. :)

I need to start running. And I need to go for a run so badly today. I need something to destress so badly! Please let there be good weather so that I can go running tonight! And I really hope I can have the discipline to do it tonight.

the past week has indeed been an awesome week! even though it was the first week of work but nights after work has been AAMMAAZZIINNGG! birthday celebration started as early as monday evening having dinner with the family at The Ship! awesome yummy steak! :D and then shopping for more girly stuff! HEHE. im trying to be more lady-like ya! HAHA :O

then came wednesday with dinner treat from the awesome HCFLC and teoheng after that! fun fun and more fun! first birthday surprise came that very night at east coast park! got my first birthday present of the year! my favourite globe globe! really sweet! :D
thursday night was a bigger surprise with the kayak mates and their very wonderful surprise. i thought everyone really couldnt make it for dinner except me and kelvin! thought it would just be both of us! before i knew it, everyone started turning up making that day more special than ever! i miss catching up with everyone of them. feels so at home with them. :) pictures, balloons and what nots, im sure we had fun!

wheeee! 12 midnight came and surprise call to look out of my window! HEHE! really caught me off guard to see db peeps with a heart shaped figure made by kiang and dick and the rest singing with a super delicious cupcake! dinner with the team at dempsey was awesome too! nice to see practically the whole girls team after such a long time!

ending off this wonderful week was a sunday brunch with the girlies at one rochester with eggs ben and polaroids and camwhoring actions!
the night was filled with excitement cause i didnt know where i was going or gonna do at all! so interesting to not know the programme for the day!and i got to watch the lion king musical! and it was so interesting! tempted to go watch wicked next! the night ended with a perfect view of the marina area and nice self-brewed beer at level33! nice ambience nice surrounding nice drink! im gonna want to go there again! :D

this 23rd birthday certainly started and ended with a loud BANG!
im such a happy girl just thinking about everything! hehe.
thank you all for making me feel so special! :D
nothing else matters anymore.

hehe! doesnt matter no one reads this! im happy to share my joy around! :D

till the next time, its back to working life again!

Please don't let me down this time. Please just remember this year. That's all I ask. We're friends aren't we?

why's it so hard to make a decision this time?

oh well. just act like nothing went wrong.

wheres the head over heels feeling for something?

The heart's so heavy. I haven't felt so scared and so lost. So many thought, so much words to say.
Who can I turn to?

Some things are better left unsaid. Some feelings are best left within.

I miss secondary school days. Waking up at ungodly hours to prepare and reaching school before the sun comes out. Watching these random kids waiting for the bus at the bus stop reminds me too much of school days. Some of us can't wait to graduate and start working yet there are many who just want to go back to school days where everything is much easier. Running away from reality probably.

Funny why the feelings are so strong suddenly. And it doesn't seem to be going away. Not now not again not alone. I don't know what to do.

i havent felt like this in quite awhile. real or not i cant say but lets hope this good feeling last for a little longer. (:

not doing some things doesnt mean that i dont think or miss you all. i do. i really do. i miss all the shit happenings we have in the past. but how are we all gonna go back to what we all had? things have changed.

you will never understand because there's no way im telling. im not gonna make another mistake with you again.

its been an awesome two months! from hongkong to bangkok then to phnom penh and next up to genting! wee! im sucha happy girl when i think about going to genting in a few hours! :D

how many times have we asked ourselves whether we have done enough?
how many times have we asked ourselves where did we go wrong?
how many times have we asked ourselves whether it was worth all the pain?

this feeling just doesnt feel right anymore.

are you happy now?
happiness is a choice. you can choose to dwell in all those memories or choose to move on and be happy. its your choice.

what are promises if they're not kept? how hard is it to keep them? what are words if you dont mean them when you say them? how easy it is for us to say things and yet forget them at the end. im guilty of it and yet i know how bad it is to be let down.

just keep us in your memory at least. thats all i ask.

I miss how I used to hang out with the gang and laughing so much and so hard. I miss how even if they make fun of me they knew where to draw the line. Somehow we just grew apart and begin to live our own lives.

Funny how as we get older we just tend to care less about other people's feelings.
I don't wanna be a spoilsport but there's just so much of your sarcasm and nonsense I can take.

everything happens for a reason. and some things just choose to happen at the wrong time. this probably is life. make the most out of what you have. learn to appreciate what you have and not what you lost.

it was a good 7 days out of singapore. went back to ocean park and this time conquered all the roller coaster ride and the space shot thingy. it was scary i have to say. but i went through it. something i never did the first time there.
and in less than 24 hours time, im flying off to bkk again. awesome two weeks of travelling arnd. and then its time to work again.

just because im smiling doesnt mean im alright. sometimes some things just dont have to be said.

Tonight all I want to know is why we drifted so far apart. Why we stop talking completely. I'm sad not because I miss what we had. I just feel wasted because I lost a friend in you. it just seems all those words said didn't mean anything. I'm sorr for feeling this way.

Flying to hongkong in a few hours. Looked through the photos of our last hk trip. The trip where everything was just awesome and I would have wished that nothing ever changed. Same location. Different people. New memories created but those memories with tyou guys were still be remembered.

5 years of racing. 6 years of training. but this past one year has been the most mentally and physically torturing one. a different sport, a different environment, a different team and a different coach. and all through the year, i questioned myself over and over again whether i made the right choice joining the team. but im sure now, i will never regret this choice and if i could do it again, i would.

all the moving of boats, running uphill, smelly XLBs, mount ulu pandan, pyramid burpees, endless sets of rowing, unlimited training hours, supersets and even the one week camp. i never thought it would mean so much so much to me. up until the moment. the moment that we have been training so hard for. the moment that truly marks the end of one work season for the team.

there was only one dream in all of us. and that was to lift the dragon up. the entire race set happened so quickly. the threshold, the push 10s, the BACK 5 GOs, the build up. besides that there was nothing much i could remember of the race set.

i have never ever felt this much pain before. no heartbreaks could ever beat this pain. it hurts so so badly watching those tears flowing uncontrollably down their faces when reality sets in. 20+ of us trying to hold it back in but it just came out hugging each other feeling the pain. i never expected to feel this way but i did. because this pain is really so bad. and everytime i look back the pain is there and im sure it will not go away for any of us for a long time. the sweat, tears shed, blood and sacrifices we made just for that 4 mins.

im thankful for the ladies i have trained with. i felt all the wants and emotions and togetherness so much so much jsut over this weekend. we got stronger, we have grown. things will only get better from now. and if i could do this with this crew again, i would. it was an amazing one year of fun and laughter, tears and sweat.

july 10 2011, this day was filled with a lot of emotions. i want to be reminded of this pain so that we can only get stronger from here. remember those tears we shed, remember the pain we felt, remember these emotions. they will bring us through to the next season. the girls are strong and will bite on and fight hard and one day the dragon will be ours.

"it aint about how hard you get hit. its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward."

i wish i knew what to do. what the next step should be. i cant make up my mind.

i dont deserve this treatment at all. im very sure i dont.
i never let you down. you dont have the right to do this to me.

hello you. i miss you my friend. its been a long while since we last talked. what went wrong along the way? what happened to keeping in contact? what happened to always will be friends?

There's always a time for you to joke but do know when to draw the line. There's so much a person can take. Laughing it off aint gonna work for me all the time. True friends know their limits they know when enough is enough. Look into the mirror before you judge others.

I'm building my walls higher up this time. I've let myself been brought down too easily. I need to be stronger. I need to learn to figure out who I can really trust.

There will always be somewhere broken that nothing can fix it.

what happened to the you i once knew? or just maybe i dont know you as well as i thought. but i guess you should stop keeping everything to yourself. because if you really stopped and look around, there are many people who actually care and bother about you. we care because you are our friend. oh well. what are the chances that you'll see this.

many times in life, we're all too caught up with ourselves. with what we need, what we want, what we do not have. we never really bother to care about the people around us. probably some things have happened recently to make me realise that life's not always just about us. sometimes, all we have to do is just take a little of our time, to text or call the people whom we care about, to find out how they are doing and really, that will be enough. its really these little actions that count. at least for me that is. but im sure most of us would feel the same as well.

just take a moment to show your concern to your friends. you never know how much it means.

I knew drifting apart was inevitable but I didn't expect things to change so much.

Argh. On a side note, today's paper was so bad. I just suck at econs paper. Let's just hope for the best otherwise I know where I'll be next year.

Who would listen? Who really cares?

Bad night. I'm such a disappointment. I'm sorry.

This is it.
I need all the luck I can get.

I only have myself to blame.

Pardon me if I haven't been a goodd friend this period.

Smiling to pretend everything is okay.
Sometimes all I need is someone to tell me it will be and that I can do it.
Cause really, I can't deal with it this time round.

Don't say I didn't try.
Don't say I don't care.
Don't say that I've changed
When you don't do the same.

Woah. Like a poem. Not that it rhymes. But whatever.

like i always say, the best things in life dont have to be big actions. simple things people do can brighten up someone's day.
like for example, 2 great things that happened today,
i saw ms aixing after god knows how long. and i received this awesome cute spongebob sweet from sam tham!

its these little things that makes someone's day better.

especially with exams just round the corner, stress picking up, everything just seems to be building up. im sure i wouldnt be the only one feeling like this. emotionally and mentally breaking down. easily agitated. easily sad. the slightest things might just get to me these days.

theres just so much i think about these days. and perhaps one day i shall put it all down into words. blogging lets me relieve some of the emotional crap im feeling inside me. times when you dont know who or have nobody to turn to, times when you dont know how or what to say, blogging gives you the escape. and at least during this period, its my form of escape because ranting abt exam stress to others might be stupid so i rather talk to myself here.

oh well. till the next emotional night again.

just because we dont say certain things doesnt mean we dont feel them.

Seriously you last warning. There's a limit to my tolerance and its exam period now. I might blow up sooner and easier than you think.

What do you do when life just doesn't seem to be going right? suck it up and get on with it. Things will eventually turn out right.

What do you do when people don't keep to their words? Whether its taking things for granted or people changing over time, eventually someone stops trying. Thing is, I don't know who I shld be disappointed at. You, for not keeping your promises or me, for trying so hard despite being let down countless times. Perhaps its time to put a stop to this. I should stop trying so hard.

This is crazy. All I can think abt is everything else besides exams. And I'm really freaking out so much because I don't have enough time. And times like these, I'm grateful for those who stood by me, listen to my endless rantings, making me laugh and sending me text messages to keep me going. Thank god for these friends.

Penguins are birds that cannot fly. How frustrating it could be for the penguin to gaze up at the sky and see other birds soaring above them. They must wonder, "but I have wings too - it's just not fair that I'm stuck here on the ground while the seagulls and the falcons and the eagles rule the sky above me." You may be feeling the same way, Libra, as you observe someone else achieving a dream of yours. The difference here, though, is that your wings DO work. You are just so used to being earthbound that you haven't tried them out recently. Aim for the sky.

I think it just applies to everyone in daily life. We hesitate far too much. We tend too give up far too easily. We never try hard enough. We cannot accept failure. Human nature you may call it. But at the end of the day. The one who tries is the one who'll see the results.