Monday, June 14, 2010

Glory in the flower

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind

I could not get this poem by Wordsworth off my mind.

Each time i read it again, i feel an unexplainable sense of sadness. Why is it that for this poem to sound so hauntingly beautiful, i must be reminded that it is through a loss?


Sunday, May 02, 2010

I don't deserve it.

Nothing happened.

But i just have this feeling that i have a secret fetish and need to torture myself. Be it mentally or physically.

I just feel like i cannot be too happy. It is like if i am, something is going to happen to make the positive feeling all go away.

It is like i don't deserve to feel happy.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

My cup is half empty.

I sometimes wonder. Where do all my energy come from in the morning? Well, it is definitely not from the sleep i get.

And now, as i am sitting here typing this... this thought of not having to sleep so that i don't have to wake up in the morning flashes through my mind.

It is like rush rush rush.. then dread dread dread.

What is this standard that i cannot seem to measure up against? Is it from work?
Who sets it? Is it others or just me?
What is this... i don't know... this "unsettle-ness"? am i constrained or am i just not good enough?

I was just thinking... when was the last time i met my friends? i had any social life? at the speed i am going.. i am thinking... will there be any guests at my wedding? Hahaha..

Or really? maybe i am impatient? Trying to rush things? Caring too much about opinions.. Greedy?

No answers. As usual.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Prized conversations

Over dinner one night while we were settling down to eat,

Grandma: (obviously wanting and desiring to eat the leftover yusheng from last night) eh? you forgot to take out the veggies ah?
Mum: Oh right! (promptly moves with lightning speed... who would have thought? with her size!)
All of us: nom nom nom
GM: Eh.. i noticed that the abalone very white ah...
Mum: Ya.. it's the good one and it was pretty big before we cut it.
GM: You know... it is unnaturally white... sometimes it could be fake you know..
M: No.. it's not la.. it's only sold at (this certain place) and it was very big. It is abalone. This brand not bad.. not as dark as (this other shitty brand) and taste better.. (for better measure)... it is bigger than others.
GM: oh... but if it is so big, maybe it is because they use clams and mussels and press into a mold into a abalone shape.
Silence... but quickly recovered because we are used to bullshit at the dinner tables.
Me: No. Don't worry.. i was there when it was bought. It is real.
GM: oh i am just saying.. so that's why can sell cheaper.
Me: Oh grandma. it is not fake cos it is more exp than others and hahaha.. i will really like to see one of those that you say.. (i know this line is so fundamentally wrong in every sense but why bother giving logical answers to illogical questions)
GM: oh i am just saying...
Mum: (kicks me under the table)

Oh Grandma, this is not fucking playdoh! where can i buy the mold? aisle 5, shelf 3 at cold storage or kiddy palace?

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One night while on the computer, my mother decide to come in without knocking as usual and asked

"hey, you know... you being so fascinated about beauty products.. ask you ah"
Me: (thinking that she is going to scold me about my purchases, goes on the defensive first) "what? what's wrong with buying them?can only wash with sheep fat and water is it?"
Mum: " no la, ask you ah.. not sure if you know of such a product..."
Me: (feeling a little guilty for being so nasty and thinking that she genuinely needed help) "ah.. ya? which product you talking about? make up? facial pdts? why leh? you finish your olay and need me to buy?"
Mum: " no no... its this cream... i think ... and i think it will work quite well"
Me:" for wrinkles or for dry skin?"
Mum: "hmmm... dry skin? no no..."
Me: "?"
Mum: (genuinely perplexed) ... i mean.. for the thighs.. ah thats right... for the thighs! to make them..."
Me:"Slim? to be more exact make mine slim right? what the hell .. you made me waste 5 mins listen to you talk about my thighs again. i am hibernating soon k? i need all the fats i can get and is it my fault that i store them there?"
Mum: "aiya.. why you so sensitive? but it is true right? like i said you should do some exercises to make them slimmer ma... eat then sit down ... how not to get fat"
Me: " i seriously did not come home early from work to listen to you talk about my fat thighs.."
Mum:"seriously.. you very sensitive leh.. i cannot joke with you ..."
Me: *glares
Mum: *closes the door

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2 more days to the weekend, people!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Oh Valentine... i am so freaking happy!

We human beings are really full of hope... almost to the extent of being blind to everything else. Despite what the common belief is that we learn from mistakes... we usually don't... not until it is so painful that it clenches your heart and squeezes your gut.

But yet... we still don't learn..

or is that love? all encompassing? or is that stupidity? or is it naivety?

i think we are not born full of goodness but full of hope. Right? even the beggar on the streets begs on the hope that someone will give. Really. i cannot think of anything that you can do without hope.

And i realise wanting to die is not giving up hope... it is merely hoping for a different outcome... the hope to escape and the hope to attain peace.

Too bad my name is not etched on that nobel prize so it is just going to be Julia's bullshit.

Ok... Morbid thoughts for a "love-ly" day.



This is a picture of an ice-cream. Why? Cos it makes people happy that is why.
That and dark chocolate. Don't waste time on other kinds of chocolates. Those are for wussies.

It's ALIVE!

Questions i know you are dying to get them answered

1. Oh my gosh! You are blogging again!

Technically, that is not a question. But what the hell, its 2.30 am in the morning on the first day of chinese new year (whee. i dig festivals .. love them so much.. whee.) So yes. I am blogging again simply because i am bored and i love to read what i type.

2. Why the long hiatus?

I pondered about my life, searching desperately for that one reason to go on. Should i have eaten that one more new year cookie despite knowing that 3 days from now, i will be struggling to get into my skirt and risk having that panty line. Oh how it pains me to go through this again but i have also given much thought about my relationships with people. Should i go shopping on my next date or should i give in to what he wants to do for once? NEVER!

Although all the reasons above are valid, the main reason is simply because... i forgot my stupid password.

3. Why did you forget your password?

What kind of a stupid question is that? If i know why i forget, i wouldn't end up with this problem in the first place right?

I almost gave up trying to recover the password and just start a new blog anyway but i realise i don't know what to put as a suitable name. I mean gucci and prada is already taken. So i thought what the heck, let me try one last time or i will just open the first book on my table and take the first word or phrase that caught my eye and make that into the address of my new blog.

Let's try that anyhow,

"job of realising Hitler's ambition"... to take over the world? hmmm i like but that sounds like busy work. Work takes time away from shopping and that is a sin. I shall just deal with my day job.

Forget it, let's not. Shall do that another day.

W asked me why can't i just click on that link that allows me to revive my dead password from that happy place that dead passwords go to.. Like pressing the reset button when your hero died because you fell off the cliff in the game and miraclously, he will be be back, dropped from the sky nonetheless. Or you could use a cheat and then he will have infinite lives. Blogspot... you might want to think of this aspect a little more. Infinite password or something. or whatever.

So, i did that but it says it will send the password to my email account. So problem solved? NO.. Thinking that i will one day have this problem (am i psychic or what) where i forget my password (hahah!) , i had actually saved the same password for both my blog and the email. Nicely done, Julia!

Thank goodness, my alternate email was in place.

4. So what have you been up to?

I got contact lenses but i lost the right side after trying it on once. Seriously, i am doing such a fine job i might just cry. But it wasn't that comfortable so i decide that i should probably not open a new box and seek an exchange from the optician. So problematic, arent I?

I wonder sometimes, why do human beings love pain so much? Look at the high heels that females wear and contact lenses tops the list. Why do i keep poking myself in the eye for no apparent reason and the vision wasn't even that clear. But still, i have paid for it. I am jolly well wearing until i get used to it.

On a side event, my optician commented that i have big teardrops that will surely cause any guy to bow to my whims if i cry. Oh she does not know W and his resilience and resistance to them. I told her seriously that i am actually an upcoming actress and the director told me its either real tears or the highway.

Hahahaha. But seriously, i told her that i am an actress just not in that much detail. And she laughed so spontaneously that i can't help feeling a little insulted. Why? I am cannot be actress meh? Why laugh until so happy?

Oh i have also cut my hair short. I like my new look and i am planning to just let it grow to shoulder length at most and then trim it short.

Everyone is telling me i look better in this and that permed hair was so wrong. What the hell. When i have permed hair, everyone told me permed hair was better and straight hair was so wrong. KNS!

My mum as usual, thinks everything i do is just wrong. Her stereotype of looking good is looking like a primary school teacher with boring hair, bespectacled, long flowy skirt, pink blouses and a bag full of marked papers. With maybe an apple in it too. This teacher looking person will wear low heels cos flats and high heels are too radical. When she laughs, she will cover her mouth and eats her food daintily with her legs crossed. Chew it for x times before she swallows and at night, brush her long hair x times to maintain shine. Her room will be spick and span and she doesn't spend much money on shopping or make up or anything at all. But she will give most of her earnings to her mum for safe keeping.

Hahaha. i realise i am none of the above except maybe for being bespectacled. Seriously, there is nothing wrong with looking like the above but it is not me. Yet, when she look at magazines, she will comment that i dress very boring. I mean that may be true to others but WOw. what i described above it is too radical for our times.

Simply put, it is her lifelong mission to go against whatever i am doing.

Alright. No more questions. It is good to be back.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Words of wisdom

My mum just told me that i shouldn't be eating rice during dinner since i am so fat already.

The other day while i was ordering my yong tau hoo with beehoon soup and with her on the phone, she asked me in a tone so incredulous and in much disbelief, why i am eating lunch when i am so fat already.

While typing this, she just annonuced that i am so fat that i look bigger than her.

First sign of menopause - delusional.

Or maybe she is talking to her imaginary camel friend.

It might be haha if i am a bystander ...but i am not... and she is pissing me off.. probably should hang her underwear on the window like a flag and see who is laughing.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Was it a bad day?

Can't really decide.. many things could have screwed up.. or maybe its not the time yet

Hardly had time to sit down to think at work today... time ... what time ? Can't complain on this though... at least the meetings seemed fruitful.

Seeing smses about "it" at work today... i am trying to keep my temper in check. BUT damn it.. not everyone is as free as you.. stop asking me in the middle or the start of a workday!

i really am screwing myself over... having too many fingers in too many pies and getting a good taste of none.

to top it off, i came home to watch my movable clothes rack collapse. just.when.i.touch.it. so now there is a mountain of clothes on my bed looking to go into my wardrobe which i shuddle to open BUT now have to.

WHY? maybe cos her toilet bowl exploded and she wants to make my life as subtly painful as possible.... the old wise sage thinks that by tying one corner of the rack to the window, it will not move. and my maid.. out of this world.. i think she is from the sun... cos something must have freaking fried her brains... she went to pull on it COS SHE FORGOT THAT SHE under instructions TIED IT TO THE WINDOW ALREADY..

i was just suddenly thinking... what if it was the window who was torn off its hinges and smashed into pieces instead? will i be more pissed? will that be possible as in both the window and me being more pissed? it means i might have to sleep with a black garbage bag over my window... or i might not be able to switch on the air con. and still have to face the slight fact that some stray glass might cut my foot and i will bleed so much everywhere that i have to go for stitches..

man.. i have nasty thoughts now..

so back to the rack which HAS A SOUL! it MOVES on its freaking own! THE BLOODY WHEELS ARE TO SCAR THE FLOOR not for it to move! while typing this line i suddenly fathom why she was so anal about it. cos it scratched her precious floor. the ugly as shit paraquet floor which is already scarred? like someone ate licorice and puke all over diarrhoea?.. this floor emits hardened petroleum-like foreign substance that stains anything moderately heavy if u put it there for more than a day.

and i am growing so fat so fast, i think i might just be pregnant.