Saturday, May 23, 2009,01:48
sometimes I could be so childish still. i seriously need to grow up. And as people around me can testify all too often, I'm bad at controlling my temper and most, if not all, of the time i end up causing harm. sigh. GROW UP DES!!
anywayz, finally back here 'cuz the itch is here again. haha. and its been a whooping 19days of post exams activities so far. been quite enjoyable except for those little down time here and there when i'm super bored at home. been out with sisters for KTV, badminton, shopping, movies, and also just random slacking around. also caught up with xl over the manu-arsenal match. watching korean drama serials, boyz over flowers, which von claims is ghay for a guy to watch. also managed to catchup with audrey and jas b4 jas flies off to US. still has 2+months of hols to enjoy. would be heading out to a volunteer camp nxt mon to wed tho. hope it'll be fun again this time round.
needs to:
-clear my table and tidy up my already slightly tidier room.
-head down to polyclinic to get my long overdue referal letter.
-start on cs1102c
-work out more (been slowing down after that fast start)
-consider investment in a portable stereo headphone or a bicycle. more research needed.
anyway i simply love this image everytime i see it. haha.
Monday, May 04, 2009,00:23
heavy heart. don't think i can sleep. and would just blank out in tomorrow's exams. oh well.. shall just crap some rubbish out tmr.
went to read about other people's plight and also their pains. i dun dare say i understand what's happening/what happened, but i do know pain is universal. it just manifest itself in all kind of different ways. in the end, it either kills us or make us stronger.
drained. tired. alltherubbishintheworldandicarenutsaboutit.
Sunday, May 03, 2009,18:24
Less than a day away, my final exams as a freshie will be over. somehow i don't feel at all happy. its as if that feeling when A lvls were just over and i didn't know what to do from there, how to get on with life. Emptiness is not what you'd expect from a half-full glass, but somehow its spreading from within me like a plague.
was bored out of my mind just now. took SOME time off from trying to cramp in concepts to surf around. read a lot of interesting things that i hardly knew. changed perceptions of things that happened and defined things. But still, who am i to judge? Just because i'm now looking from afar? I'd be succumbing to hindsight biasness.
I want to cycle once again.
To ride alone, to venture into the unknown.
I want to run in the rain.
To break away from the shackles of our conscious mind, to cuddle against myself in the cold.
I want to live with pain.
To be able to taste the sweetness of joy, to appreciate the europhia of victory.
I care not a bit about people's suffering now. for now i have a cold heart. a heart devoid of feelings. yet i know i care a lot. i care about things that do matter. i care about things that matter not only to my conscious-mind, but to my answers to my sub-conscious. somehow i need answers, and i don't need it from anywhere else. i need it from myself. If "i" dare to speak, then hopefully I've spoken.
Escapism is my way of dealing with problems i feel are too tough to tackle. I know it doesn't solve the problem. but has this occured to anyone before; What if i'm the problem?
cycled last night. wanted to cycle to amk or thomson, 'cus i know i can get a bite there. ms mei jio me go kovan eat, n mrchua joined us from his mj as well. i'm enjoying my life as if my exams are over. yeah rite. which reminds me... correct me if i'm wrong, but the paper i'm sitting for tmr is called MNF1001, Msn-ment and Facebook-anisation right? I've been mugging so hard for it today, trying to figure out any new updates so i can ace my exams tmr. i wish. anyhow, screw mno. or rather, let it screw me tomorrow. just enjoy the ride in the 2hrs in the exam hall, and head to nus website to declare s/u on 29th may. see, i'm practising cognitive dissonance. trying to rationalize what is obviously a disagreement between my actions and my perceptions.
after exams:
-new bicycle? but my budget only $100.
-running/cycling regime. I might be pes E now, but you never know how long ns.sg is gonna cock-up.
-hang out with sisters n tofu!
-badminton.
-look for whatever nice scenery my little compact can do justice to its beauty.
-date bab out for chill session. maybe even MU-Arsenal match.
-start 1102C, under strong advice from mrchua.
-turn that dry-kitchen of mine back into my haven. after all, my dad's birthday's sometime this month.
-race 7. oops. almost forgot about it.
-pack my room.
-find nj-oacians. i miss one of the the happiest days of my study life so far.
Saturday, May 02, 2009,13:32
went running yest night. realised i could actually run a lil faster, feel tired a little later. Is that a good sign that my fitness is returning or just that the weather is so much cooler and less harsh at night? ran to potong pasir PCN up to bishan park. somehow just didnt feel like turning back, so took a refreshing stroll in bishan park, before walking to amk central. regretted not bringing along my ez-link, so had to walk all the way back home. Singapore might be an urban concrete jungle, but late into the night, its just full of empty streets and deserted roads, amidst it all being well lit. The pace of life here has made it so hectic, that being out at night really allows you to slowly take in sights and sounds you don't see, observe in the day. Or rather, bother to slow down to observe.
3yrs' passed. changes have sank in.
but my mind, still prefers to throw reality in the abyss of memories, and let it fade gently away..
Friday, May 01, 2009,15:21
found the want to blog all over again. its a want, nt a need.. mayb juz 1-off. but still, could b bothered enuf to change e blogskin. Has plenty of burning questions now. looking for answers. Kinda feels dumb nt knowing enough.
Exams are gonna b over pretty soon. 3more days. Ain't exactly studying now, and nt thinking of how to start. More like thinking, if i S/U, can i perform better nxt sem on? auuu, the unknown. Human's greatest fear. After that, i'm gonna make every minute worth it. Have some plans, but nt sure how to carry it out yet. Shall plan tmr. Somehow i think i'd miss school, esp hanging out wif sisters and friends. Speaking of which, uni life can be a drain, but am glad i have friends arnd, really. Almost 1yr of uni life has passed by, and here i'm still pondering what i really want out if this. Such a big diff frm jc life. Back then i thot i knew roughly what i wanted, and set out to it. The ends brought about the means. Would probably continue with ISE, no matter how little i feel i know about it. Afterall, if i truely want to leave my mark on earth, it doesn't really what i end up doing in the future. That'll juz differ in how i bring it about. Uni life's had its up and downs. Finding a niche here is really nt easy. It doesnt require committment; that has to come straight from the heart. & somehow, i've lost tt. somewhere. Anyhowz, my grades ain't actually that bad. I know i can do better, that's why i'm disappointed. This sem has been much better tho, mayb its caused i've began to adapt.
On a lighter note, attended NTU bike rally. smth i'd b very proud of. reminds me that i haven't really lost my will, my determination yet. It was fun, cycling through all the ups and downs of SG. Had to push myself, give that little more, go that extra revolution. Had to fight off near cramps, fatigue. Its all in the mind. But i got to cycle in the rain, smth i've really wanted to do. Just run around in the rain, carefree from the worlds. Mayb i've got no childhood.. haha.. or is it just our parents saying we'd all get sick from staying in the rain? Hope it rains today, feel like walking in the rain again (plus its so zZz%&#@ hot) but gotta waterproof my stuff.
3mths plus' up. Can donate blood again. Who's interested? its gonna be harder this time round tho. Dun think can just pop down to NUH to donate, given the swine flu and all. Whats more, all the healthcare workers are most prob all tied down wif the epidemic at hand. Its really times like this, when I'd scream at myself, Y'd i even give up? give up on doing what i really feel wld make a difference juz cuz i think bio is hard? But anyhows, i wanna donate blood soon. Any1 care to join?
tt was some load off my mind. cools. back to finding answers