its not my off day. but i feel like updating anyway. lol.
tomorrow i have course training class sent by the company. well, i opt for it and company sponsoring it with a bond. its a 2 to 3 months course training then my bond will be till march next year. fuh~!! i have to last long here. haha! classes every monday and wednesday ends at 4pm..wee~!! cool owat..haha!! best best..! oh btw, buddy will be leaving end of the month. sad. but she had her path planned. mine? this is what i can do at the moment. in the mean time, im finding time to gather my portfolio and learning photography and picture editting. can someone be my teacher please? hee. thats that.

finance was a rollercoaster ride for me. but ive had plans in mind. insya'allah this could help me and family in the future. insya'allah. there were so many things i wanna do for my family. whatever it takes, i want to stay strong and support my family in any way i can. Ya Allah, please give me the strength.

ayah and ibu, i am trying my best to give my full support to strengthened the family bond no matter where we are.
akak, mamin, acit & man, i am trying to be best sister that u can have. i will learn from u and we will learn to listen to each other. i dont want any arguements that could tear us apart even more. please let us all have faith in Allah that he is testing us with the situations we are in now..and the distance we are from each other. believe me that everyday, you are in my heart and mind always.
little jazzie, even its not come to a year u have been part of the family, i love you dearly. i am striving for the best to take care of u and give u what u need to stay healthy and strong. u are my best friend and i will take any possible time i had to spent it with u. :)

Ya Allah, please take care of my dearest family and protect them from any harm. keep them safe and in the best of health. open their hearts and mind to get close to you Ya Allah. In you i have faith that whatever tests you put me through, there is a way out and there is a reason behind everything that happened. amin.

my friends have been the best pillars of strength. they teach me so much about life. through good and bad, we stick with each other. even we are mad at each other. we all came from different backgrounds and yet, our bond is amazingly close. thank you for being there for me. i will treasure you guys till the end. Ya Allah, please look after my dearest friends that meant alot in my life. protect them from any danger and keep them safe in your care most of the time. help them get through rough times that they are facing and keep them mentally prepared with your tests. amin.

i believe to change for the better. some might find it drastic. or even find it impossible for me to change in glance as they know what i went through and i how i felt about a past situation. but this is a choice i have made. i may not be close to Allah since i dont know when. but i know that day by day, i felt close to him. and i want to get even closer. Ya Allah, guide me to you. amin.

okla everyone. im off to bed. feeling very tired. gd nite.

my off day. so much things to think about. to do. with such little time. with insufficient rest i decide to pull through. ready, set, GO! haha.
morning at 11, met up with FA. alot of thinking went through my mind about my family and future status. no matter what happens, i know my priority is them. even we are in separate homes. i dont think that is an issue at all. its all up to me wether i want to take the responsibility or not. and i know what im doing. im not gonna hide anything anymore. this is me now. i am here for a purpose. for myself and family, i would do whatever it takes to secure them with whatever i can. insya'allah. amin.

reunions are so much fun. catching up with the old clans. making fun of each other of the used-to-be. haha! i couldnt ask for anything more but just chilling them till we didnt even care about going home. haha. i miss them. i cared for them. i love them. its ashamed that some couldnt be there. i appreciate the time though it was short. but it seemed forever. it seemed like how we used to be. to bring back the real thing, the happenings and all might be impossible. but definately,it was all missed. but hey, im done thinking about it anyway. haha! I LOVE u all la. well, im sorry to interupt the I LOVE u thingy..but just wanna add la. plus minus whose not important to my life anymore. call me a bitch la. but i dont need to be reminded of the time. thus, i dont even wanna look or face it la. lets just stop there yea. and truthfully, u were not missed by me. that is why i dont care. heh! sorry.

work has been good eversince i came back from training. suddenly the change of atmosphere. they are more open in talking about whats gd and bad for the store and staff. weird isnt it? a miracle that they happened to know what i went through at training? haha. or was it coincidence? hmm. leave it to whatever it might be la ok. but training was fun. learnt so much and its very useful personally. and i got the best learner award la sey. alhamdulilah. thanked ALLAH. was unexpected. but i couldnt be any grateful than to have people recognised me for my capability. thank you once again.

my responsibility grown as each day passes by. will i able to get by? only time will tell. at the same time, im gonna work my butt off. im sorry family and friends if i hadnt make time to spend with u. and little jazzie needs my time too. hehe. love her to bits. muackz!
ok, im off to take a shower and cook for ayah. then off i go to meet the shitness!!! i wonder what they cook. hehe. hungry already just thinking about it. LOL~!! ok will update when i had the time. thank you. bye.

i miss u, my past. tell me that u are okay. i sensed something is not right. and im worried. :( call me. msg me. something. goodbye.

its the fasting month. being tested in so many ways. patience is all i have to get by.
i suddenly had a flash back. on the times i used to stay up till the dawn for sahur. talking on the phone. then i go to sleep. my nights are just not complete without to have listen to the voice. singing the song, " one two three four five, once i caught a fish alive. six seven eight nine ten, then i let it go again. why did you let it go? because it bit my finger so. which finger did it bite? the little finger on my right." *smiles*
i lost the smile. i think its BS. hah! sorry. but its true. just take a look around aite.
cant believe that it was put up. getting more daring and open.
as for me, i didnt expect the change and i never thought it would go that far.
putting pride in what its believe to be once said to my face to repent.
look what is happening now? should i be laughing? or should i say something?
this is damn BS. i thought someone would know better than this.
but i leave it up to you. you know better about yourself and where you heading.
texting me was something i never want to hope anymore. its not worth my time at all.
ive wasted too much just thinking about it. how stupid. and till now, there is still a piece of me kept thinking about the past. it just wont let go. how shitty can it get? how shitty to be hurt like this? how shitty is it to care too much about the past that used to mean something?

wishing all the best of luck. hope you find your peace of mind. which i took 3 years to let go. i am letting go now. dont blame me for not appreciating now. i dont mean to hurt anyone. i am sorry if what i said is harsh. i am what i am. and i know this not the side that i want to let out. but, its time to rise. like it or not, its up to you. DONT TAKE ME FOR GRANTED.

off i go. gd night.

If I'm mad at you
I'll hurt myself too
But that doesn't really matter
Although when I hurt I feel like dirt
And my spirit's bruised and battered.
I do not know why it has to be so
I really wish it did not
But the way this has been going
it is basically shot.
You don't need me and we don't need we
And that's how I think I know why
These words are the ones I have to speak
I love you, but i guess this is goodbye.

what i had there, i hope it wont be true. it is something that i had in mind to let out. i cant believe that this had to happen but it seemed to be true. you take things for granted especially the friendship and bond that was built. how could you be so cruel and treat us like strangers. well, i guessed its clear now, you are on top and you want to leave us behind. the strangers we are now to you dont even care. but i am hurt. hurt of the way you had treated our special bond. you are blinded. with what? with the power you always wanted. fame. and fortune. nothing seemed to struck you that i am wondering why the change? are you testing me? dont say about the feeling the distance. look where you were? did you even stop and talk like we used to? did you even smile? joke? any reactions to seeing someone you hadnt seen in a while?? damn you! how can you say about missing someone when you dont appreciate them. ur words meant nothing. oh, maybe the point of you saying or even asking how i am doing and about missing me leads to something that you want to achieve with MY help. how selfish is that?? so you are making use of me? thats damn selfish of you. which i dont even know that about you. or maybe i have yet to see. i can just keep cursing you with all the shits. but i wont. i am going on a voyage. with or without you. wether you like it or not. i am continuing the journey where we left off. and where you had said of a typo error. cant believed you said that. i can never accept the fact about you saying that IT was a mistake. i am so disappointed in you. if you can find your "pillars" so do i. that is without you knowing. like we dont know of YOUR "pillars" now.

if whoever reads this. and had something to say about it, go ahead and leave your comments on my tagboard. thank you very much. but keep it clean people. dan sesungguhnya aku berpuasa. amin.

ok good night.

i cant seemed to go to sleep. am i excited for the month of ramadhan?? haha. maybe i am.
this is the time for me to make a change. insya'allah. to do the best i can to change for the better.
wishing all muslims friends, SELAMAT MENJALANI IBADAH PUASA. Yay!!

work was okay. feeling a little flexible today. i was questioned again about work. those technology and stuff. and alhamdulilah, i have proved them that i will do what i said i would. paying more attention and try the very best. i know i dont want to be defeated eventhough sometimes i feel like doing so. give me the strength to show that i am serious with what ive put myself through. and i do want to do this not only for me but my family.
Ya Allah, kau kuat kan semangat aku untuk aku teruskan perjuangan ku yang telah diuji oleh mu Ya Allah.

i cant believed that i ignore it for the first time in my entire life regarding you. am i proud of it? not really. because i appreciated you.. remembered you.. how can i forget someone who meant alot in my life just like that? i was not born that way. i am not sure about you but, you ate your own words. refresh your mind to the time you told me things. i was convinced and felt good about it. feeling very secure towards your words. but hey, im okay. as much as i was hurt, before and now, i still be where i am when you need me. i aint that selfish. i may not contact you, but that doesnt mean i forget. well, its easier said than done. no one be convinced with what one has to say. am i right to say that? hmm.. i leave it to you then yea..hee~!! am i dumbed to even think about saying this?? haiz. taubat ain..taubat..

oh btw, im heading down for alot of visits this weekend. anyone wanna join me? hehe. im currently at ibu's house in tampines. then this weekend i be heading down a few places like.. TP1 then suntec..raffles city..then head down to the arts house for the major event. then iftar with the shitness. heh! cant wait to meet you guys. muackz!! take care everyone. ;)

gd nite. selamat berpuasa.
dont forget your niat okay friends. and sleeping prayers. hehe!!

ok bye.

and another draggy day. it started okay. fun. joke. laughter and smiles. after i came back from my break. it all went down. fine, it was my fault. but c'mon, give me a little space to breathe. its not like i did it so many times. it was my first mistake ever. a major one though. asking me wether im being serious in this line, then i would not even think about selling anything. or even helping in the store. damn it! open up your bloody mind la. NEW BALANCE!! you know what? i simply can say you are being the "R" word. seriously shit. im the only one of my kind standing and im a newbie. so you think you can push me around. you want me to respect you, then cut some slack and give me space to do what im comfortable with. you cant simply force me to do things that i dont even know within one day. learning your language wasnt easy. but it was fun. if that, you want me to learn everyday, i dont mind. but have the correct timing la. sometimes i think, the is super HAPRAK. i am sorry to say ah. but seriously, being and in charge doesnt mean you can push people around. you need to give space for newbie to adapt to the surrounding of new environment and things they had to learn. i can see that you want me to learn fast. but i am not fast. you need to slow down when you see me not coping. i need help. how come in this part, i need help..you would say so much things. and when you need MY help. i cant even say no? do you see the picture? there is no teamwork. but whatever it is, thank you for backing me up. but you shouldnt ask me wether i am serious about this job. its so disheartening. and stop changing the subject from one to another and as if its all pinpointed at me. enough is enough. i know its only been a month. i didnt mean to bring you shame or what. but how come with other you can actually joke a little and smile a little. but with me, its all serious. i cant take seriousness so much. it drives me nuts!!! right now, i am having a private convo with my buddy. she felt the same thing. but she have more mercy than i do. her mistakes werent given so much talk. her lateness was very bad and yet she stay. because i say she just need people to keep telling her. look at her now, she has been coming in early. we look out for each other. give each other space to move. u cant cramped on someone 24-7 right? i go shit you want to follow owat? alamak. please la. bodoh ah.

i confide in my closest friend about this. i am not sure what to do. some say just hang on or maybe ask for transfer. some say hang on a little longer, if really its the limit. then leave. i cant afford to leave now. i need the money. if not, my bond will be penalized and i have to pay them instead of them paying me. cannot!! i work like shit and i had to pay them? no way!! thanks for the encouragement guys. thank you so much. :)

i cant believe i am feeling that i am a stranger to someone. well, what can i say? ive been busy with work. and so, i am not needed because I AM WORKING so i got no time like that la. like cannot call or leave a msg. whats the use of the technology sey? c'monla..open otak can? like when you lonely, got nobody then find me la eh? need help then find me la. saying things that didnt happen. like whatever for? to tell people you ALWAYS with me? BULLSHIT! that never happen eversince. its so sad to see whats being written when its all not true. i am disappointed in myself for relying on you. i dont see where i go wrong but, i am so wrong about you. damn damn wrong. :( whats so good about being where you are now, when you are changing to be worst than before? haiz. lets just leave this here. and this is where i want it to end. thank you for reading. whoever thinks that this note is for them, go ahead and assume. but if you really think that i am refering to you, im sure you know what to do. this is where i throw out my rantings. so i am sorry if i dont have respect for you. but i dont think there is a need anymore. i am sorry for saying my piece out. this is how i felt after so long. thank you. keyword : taubat.

i am taking the night off. cant wait to meet my ladies tomorrow for a bubble tea session before the month of puasa comes around. i cant wait!!
wishing all my muslim friends, SELAMAT MENJALANI IBADAH PUASA semua..!!!

ok bye.

words then story okay. so people, BEAR with me. (not BARE.)
~dedicated to my ladies who remember this joke. thank you. *smiling shyly*~

here we go about the day.
shagged. dreadful. draggy.
annoying. irritated. anger.
please just shut the fork up can?
bossing around anyhow. chicken bun!
everything i do seemed to be wrong.
the other person? you can joke around and all.
you favourism issit? or issit she is your "KIND"?
new balance! you damn kansas sia! damn konica!
i wish i could be transfered. oh someone please answer my prayers.
i wanna get out of car tunes. please~!!!
~~~
ive send you a msg. but there were no reply. how sad can it get? i guessed i saw this coming. that is why i asked about it face to face before. but you said it wont happened. but look where you are. and look at where i am. and look at our friendship that you kept saying which you cherish so much. you are totally gone out of what you had said. promises were broken. and i think i know why i stop trying. but i still care and ... haiz. well, there is no point in saying anymore. you are happy now. well, i assumed you are. but i dont know. i kept praying that you would come out to your senses soon. i guessed you dont care about losing me. you got them. they can make you look cool and good. then wherever you go, people will know you. you are all about rich and famous now? partying and having fun. throwing freedom like you always wanted it to. where have i gone wrong as a friend? i am so sorry for not being there. and i apologise for not being a good friend to you which you thought i would and which i thought i could. thank you for being part of my life. putting me through various learning journey in good and bad times. in ups and downs. in lonely and happy times. in misery and pain. in happiness and sorrows. it seemed there were so much to say. but i dont know. thank you for being a wonderful teacher teaching me about life and relationships. i can only say THANK YOU for being what you have been to me.

if you happened to read this, please leave me a message. i just wanna get together over drinks or something. lets catch up. cause sincerely, i dont want to lose the friendship bond between us. hmm.

ok done. bye.