Monday, September 28, 2015
Mediocre
Ask God how much you've grown lately?
When I asked him a couple weeks ago, that's the only word I got. MEDIOCRE. And it's slightly depressing when you put your heart and soul into something and it doesn't pay off. What a wet blanket God is.
Usually, I write Facebook notes if I feel very strongly about it (otherwise it just goes to the blog as chronicled nonsense), they are markers in my faith life, mini turning points! So imagine rereading about your feelings in your most powerful moments and feeling like it just wasn't good enough.
While writing this, I was planning to list out the several messages I feel God might be saying but they all flopped together into one message so I guess that would be it. Here's me in my best impression of God’s voice:
"Jes, everything that you have done, is mediocre. The growth you have experienced? Average. The size of your heart for others? So-so. The beauty of your artwork? Eh, it's alright I guess. What you have done in the past 2 years is nothing compared to the splendor of the King. Don’t despair, you wouldn't even be able to imagine the great plans I have for you, not in fame and pleasure, but in treasures worth more. Nothing that you ever do can outweigh what I am."
Digressing a little, I sometimes wonder if this is just me putting myself down because I don't want to set myself some high expectations. But man, mediocre? I wouldn't even tell myself that. In fact, I would say that I've done fairly well, I had some thoughts, kept my fire going and even sparked conversation and got a few likes on Facebook. Not bad right? Who else would be it be but God?
So I wonder why God called me mediocre, what's up with the harsh words? After lots of random pondering, I realized the only one that was judging, was myself. There, God is telling me that there are greater things to come, but here I am feeling sorry for myself for not doing a good enough job. Talk about self centered vanity. Hear the air from my deflating ego and pride?
So I am mediocre. And embracing the mediocre life - the lack of luxury, the crushed self esteem and the unimpressive fruits of my labour - is about the best thing that I could ever ask for because nothing in this life would ever be able to be better than that state of being somewhat connected to God.
I can't outdo God when I am the only one competing.
_____________
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Just One Thing
As I wept in irritation and bowed in disappointment, God told me a parable as I sat on the beige grass of an adoration room.
_________________
There was a girl who had a gift. She was magical. It wasn't the sort of magic that tricked your eyes, but the miraculous kind, creating something out of nothing. She was strong and could cast spells of all sorts. She was born with it of course, a miracle in itself. As a child she found magic pretty easy.
You must be wondering of course, what is the catch?
Well, she can only do one thing, she can only work her magic if it was for someone else's benefit. Her father's car was repaired so he wouldn't be late for work, her mother was thrilled with fireworks on her birthday, her sister had a good night's sleep when insects were turned away, her brother's injury healed before his competition.
But no, no, it never worked for her. She missed her bus all the time, her belongings always slipping embarrassingly out of her hands at the worst moments, she always had painful bumps and itchy bites. She never had anything "lucky" happen to her. What's the point of the gift when her life is a silly mess?
But look, just because her life is not particularly great does not mean that she has any less of a magical power. The question is not so much if she is worthy of such a gift, but the simple fact that she does means she is.
Perhaps the question then is, what can she do to harness the gift so that she can give more? For the gift is not for herself but for the world. How can we restore this dying land?
_____________
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Encounter
We are nearing the top of a rollercoaster. That point while climbing an entire incline - gravity pulls us back to our seats and we sit facing the sky, unknowing of the rest of the track ahead.
_____________
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Happy Birthday
On Wednesday, we celebrated the birthday of John the Baptist. It felt strange to me because we usually celebrate the feast of a Saint on the day they die. A quick google reveals the church only celebrates 3 people's birthday in a year: John the Baptist, Mary (8 Sep) and of course, Jesus.
It led me to think about what the significance of a birthday is? Why is it a solemnity? (the highest rank of celebration, equivalent of a sunday mass, just without the obligation)
LIFE.
So while we blow off the candles and sing a happy song, we also celebrate John the Baptist's purpose and mission, the whole reason he was alive in the first place. There was quite literally "nothing outside of God" (he was in a desert). What really struck me was the totality of his being, he had a very clear purpose of making Jesus known and that was it. All of it.
It brought me back to this moment in silent retreat when I pondered about my call. 10 years ago, I went for a camp, I was a facilitator, a very bad one but one nonetheless. I received a fuzzy that said that I was a person with a lot of zeal. I hardly found it comforting at that time because what would a 16-year-old do with zeal but zero skills right? But I looked it up in the dictionary and took it as a complement. And with all the personality quizzes I had done, it syncs with what I perceived as part of my character.
Now, 26-year-old me has realized that zeal is pretty much the only thing that got me through these past years in church, it's central to my presence here, this zeal is too good, logical conclusion? This zeal is... God. The major perspective shift is from me as Jes the zealous, and with this zeal I will do something for God to "I am Jes, blessed by God with some good ol' zeal for his purpose". ALL good things come from God, it's not merely a personality trait.
Bringing it back, birthdays should really be a day where we celebrate the purpose and mission of a person, the entire reason why they are alive, instead of thanking God that a person has made it thus far and would hopefully live many more years as joyfully as possible.
And of all days, today (sunday) is my dad's birthday! And even though he isn't around, I still celebrate his mission that amazingly and mysteriously still lives on.
_____________
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Breathe
For a few weeks, I was quite restless. Something in me had had stopped and my soul, quite dramatically, hit a standstill. It wasn't something a silent retreat could cure. And it's not like there was anything wrong with my life, it's the result of hanging out in my comfort zone for too long. "I got this" was a sign of laziness than it was a sign of assurance.
_____________
Thursday, June 18, 2015
With Love
Why do we do good? The reflection from the bible passage today and the homily from mass questioned our good deeds. Are we giving out of obligation or are we giving just because we are called to give? And even though in words it might sound like the same way of giving, but to be called to give is a much deeper sense of purpose, a driving force maybe.
_____________
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Sorry, did you call me about a mission?
I never liked talking on the phone. It's hard to understand tone, you can't quite tell if there are distractions that take away from the conversation and sometimes, you can't even be sure you aren't being pranked. With those variables, it often leaves one hanging and confused - terrible communication is bad communication.
So to me, it's understandable that hearing God's call is tough! Is he saying something? Is it static? Did I hear him correctly? Are you sure you called the right person? I technically don't even know the sound of his voice when he is trying to warn me, or that look on his face when he is listening and wants to tell me something serious. Though with my gratefulness, I do know by now how God (mostly) talks to me. (I'm sure it varies for everyone)
Figuring out his ringtone
Instead of thinking about the moments God seems to have said something, I thought about the fruitful turning points in my life, world youth day, San Diego, camino, 7 fountains itself... The common thread through these experiences seems to be this statement I make before signing up for it: "I really really don't need this, but sure, if you want some company, I'll go". And these experiences end up the biggest points in my life.
Another string of calls was when I was choosing jobs, deciding if this relationship with Liu was a good idea, or even in smaller things like deciding to ask someone about their day. "Option B is not bad, feels like... 70%, but option A seems better, fits your passion 100%, GO"
So 2 questions of my call-discernment seem to pop up:
1. Is it possibly life-changing/inspiring even if you don't really need it?
2. Will it allow you to be ALL you can be?
Listening to other calls
I also found it useful to think about what other calls are like. There was a period of great questioning but it came down to this: I probably could survive religious life but I don't feel like I'm suppose to be there. I can probably do singlehood but I might scandalize myself and get so self absorbed I doubt anything my life will grow, except pride.
"Lord, if it is you, bid me come to you on the water" (Matt14:28)
You asked me to step up, You asked me to have faith, You asked me to care, You called me to come to you. I am walking on water, do I doubt his plans he set before me? O man of little faith.
Communication - The shared heart
So God talked me through it, he showed me how the relationship has indeed been fruitful. We always talk about about marriage with regards to BTOs, biological clocks or even about supporting each other, but I always felt like it was bigger than that, more romantic than that, more life changing than that. On the third day of retreat, while contemplating my personal mission, I had a eureka moment when I realized that marriage is really just about a shared mission and vision. That's it!
The call to marriage for both of us is very rooted in this idea of mission. Better yet, a shared mission. Perhaps because it came at a time we both stepped up in our personal missions, or the numerous chances to build up the church we have experienced together (e.g. camino, retreats, sessions). I daresay we wouldn't be in love if we didn't love God all that much.
Recapping a call to marriage
So maybe like most calls in my life, I feel like I might just have stumbled upon it. But at this point it allows me to authentically be ALL that I can be, and it's possibly life-changing and inspiring! (even if I don't really seem to need it.)
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you will call me." -Oceans, Hillsong
_____________
Mediocre
Ask God how much you've grown lately?
When I asked him a couple weeks ago, that's the only word I got. MEDIOCRE. And it's slightly depressing when you put your heart and soul into something and it doesn't pay off. What a wet blanket God is.
Usually, I write Facebook notes if I feel very strongly about it (otherwise it just goes to the blog as chronicled nonsense), they are markers in my faith life, mini turning points! So imagine rereading about your feelings in your most powerful moments and feeling like it just wasn't good enough.
While writing this, I was planning to list out the several messages I feel God might be saying but they all flopped together into one message so I guess that would be it. Here's me in my best impression of God’s voice:
"Jes, everything that you have done, is mediocre. The growth you have experienced? Average. The size of your heart for others? So-so. The beauty of your artwork? Eh, it's alright I guess. What you have done in the past 2 years is nothing compared to the splendor of the King. Don’t despair, you wouldn't even be able to imagine the great plans I have for you, not in fame and pleasure, but in treasures worth more. Nothing that you ever do can outweigh what I am."
Digressing a little, I sometimes wonder if this is just me putting myself down because I don't want to set myself some high expectations. But man, mediocre? I wouldn't even tell myself that. In fact, I would say that I've done fairly well, I had some thoughts, kept my fire going and even sparked conversation and got a few likes on Facebook. Not bad right? Who else would be it be but God?
So I wonder why God called me mediocre, what's up with the harsh words? After lots of random pondering, I realized the only one that was judging, was myself. There, God is telling me that there are greater things to come, but here I am feeling sorry for myself for not doing a good enough job. Talk about self centered vanity. Hear the air from my deflating ego and pride?
I can't outdo God when I am the only one competing.
Just One Thing
As I wept in irritation and bowed in disappointment, God told me a parable as I sat on the beige grass of an adoration room.
_________________
There was a girl who had a gift. She was magical. It wasn't the sort of magic that tricked your eyes, but the miraculous kind, creating something out of nothing. She was strong and could cast spells of all sorts. She was born with it of course, a miracle in itself. As a child she found magic pretty easy.
You must be wondering of course, what is the catch?
Well, she can only do one thing, she can only work her magic if it was for someone else's benefit. Her father's car was repaired so he wouldn't be late for work, her mother was thrilled with fireworks on her birthday, her sister had a good night's sleep when insects were turned away, her brother's injury healed before his competition.
But no, no, it never worked for her. She missed her bus all the time, her belongings always slipping embarrassingly out of her hands at the worst moments, she always had painful bumps and itchy bites. She never had anything "lucky" happen to her. What's the point of the gift when her life is a silly mess?
But look, just because her life is not particularly great does not mean that she has any less of a magical power. The question is not so much if she is worthy of such a gift, but the simple fact that she does means she is.
Perhaps the question then is, what can she do to harness the gift so that she can give more? For the gift is not for herself but for the world. How can we restore this dying land?
________
For a long while, I have been stuck wondering what more I could possibly give. What else could I do to contribute to society? And the answer always fell flat and I took that to mean "nothing". So while contemplating in quiet, I asked that same question but I knew I wasn't going to get an answer today. What is God trying to get me to do?
And that's when God told me that story. It was a rather random story, he drew me into his arms and I wrote down as he spoke. I'm pretty sure I have never heard anything like this before.
My vision was becoming myopic, my dreams were shrinking, subtly my heart was moving away from God's, but I didn't know why.
Even though I had a clearer idea of what I was good at and what I wasn't, some times, work was for self validation more than it was for charity. Wanting God to be pleased that I am putting his gifts to good use, that I'm a good worker. Of course, if you took away this ability, it wouldn't make me any less of a child but I might start to get a bit grumpy, a telltale sign that I wasn't quite letting God steer me completely.
So, this story is just a reminder that everything that I can do is not for myself. Not even 1%, it has to be everything. To live is to die, to laugh is to cry, to live is to love with all our heart. We just need to do one thing.
Encounter
We are nearing the top of a rollercoaster. That point while climbing an entire incline - gravity pulls us back to our seats and we sit facing the sky, unknowing of the rest of the track ahead.
There are mixed feelings of worry, anticipation and excitement. Varieties of the same feeling depending on how trusting we are of God, but the base is made of trust. If you've been on a thrilling rollercoaster i.e. a good rollercoaster, you would experience all that in one minute.
Engaged encounter (EE) does a great job of giving you a whole bunch of items to explore, quickly adding to the increasingly long to-do lists. Conversely, with all the faith and commitment to do the best for your partner floating about in the surroundings, love reveals herself as a choice, a very deliberate choice.
As I watched people choose to be real, choose to have hope, choose to generous, choose to go way beyond their own capacity to do something crazy (aka miraculous), I can't help but feel like I don't have to KNOW everything. (The pressure is off!) But it's not like we choose and therefore love in the process, but love and therefore choose. It's a small nuance but seems to be the line between conditional and unconditional love that I balance on.
Ultimately we are called to love unconditionally but it's just so hard to even learn how to do that. Learning that through the process of a relationship has been one of the biggest ways in my life. Every time a relationship goes deeper into knowing a person, I feel like I discover a little more about God, who is precisely Love.
Happy Birthday
On Wednesday, we celebrated the birthday of John the Baptist. It felt strange to me because we usually celebrate the feast of a Saint on the day they die. A quick google reveals the church only celebrates 3 people's birthday in a year: John the Baptist, Mary (8 Sep) and of course, Jesus.
It led me to think about what the significance of a birthday is? Why is it a solemnity? (the highest rank of celebration, equivalent of a sunday mass, just without the obligation)
LIFE.
So while we blow off the candles and sing a happy song, we also celebrate John the Baptist's purpose and mission, the whole reason he was alive in the first place. There was quite literally "nothing outside of God" (he was in a desert). What really struck me was the totality of his being, he had a very clear purpose of making Jesus known and that was it. All of it.
It brought me back to this moment in silent retreat when I pondered about my call. 10 years ago, I went for a camp, I was a facilitator, a very bad one but one nonetheless. I received a fuzzy that said that I was a person with a lot of zeal. I hardly found it comforting at that time because what would a 16-year-old do with zeal but zero skills right? But I looked it up in the dictionary and took it as a complement. And with all the personality quizzes I had done, it syncs with what I perceived as part of my character.
Now, 26-year-old me has realized that zeal is pretty much the only thing that got me through these past years in church, it's central to my presence here, this zeal is too good, logical conclusion? This zeal is... God. The major perspective shift is from me as Jes the zealous, and with this zeal I will do something for God to "I am Jes, blessed by God with some good ol' zeal for his purpose". ALL good things come from God, it's not merely a personality trait.
Bringing it back, birthdays should really be a day where we celebrate the purpose and mission of a person, the entire reason why they are alive, instead of thanking God that a person has made it thus far and would hopefully live many more years as joyfully as possible.
And of all days, today (sunday) is my dad's birthday! And even though he isn't around, I still celebrate his mission that amazingly and mysteriously still lives on.
Breathe
For a few weeks, I was quite restless. Something in me had had stopped and my soul, quite dramatically, hit a standstill. It wasn't something a silent retreat could cure. And it's not like there was anything wrong with my life, it's the result of hanging out in my comfort zone for too long. "I got this" was a sign of laziness than it was a sign of assurance.
This past Saturday, things started to get real. It was like I took a breath of fresh air after holding it for... 74 seconds. I just timed myself. Random googled answer: the amount of time you can hold your breath depends on lung capacity, heart rate and sheer willpower. Ok back to topic.
I finally gobbled in some air when I faced a couple of management challenges at work. I'm usually the agency so it was pretty refreshing to be the client and demand a certain quality, but it also came with having to deal with expectations, aka I was mega annoyed and had to scold people. Step 1.
In the midst of all the edginess and pressure, I had to put it aside, lose the ego and the need to make myself happy FIRST. Basically it meant running errands in the land as far as jurong, and not whining just because I could. It manifests itself in such small ways but love is a sacrifice. Step 2.
Finally, I watched a friendship of 13 years break under stress and that was quite a wake up call to constantly be grow in ALL my relationships. The years of being unchallenging and assuming proximity and time is all that is necessary to sustain a friendship finally caught up. How long have I been doing nothing and being unauthentic because I was scared of unhappiness? Step 3.
Somehow, on a Monday, I'm back to normal life. But it feels like God has dropped his hints. And it's my move now.
I got this.
With Love
Why do we do good? The reflection from the bible passage today and the homily from mass questioned our good deeds. Are we giving out of obligation or are we giving just because we are called to give? And even though in words it might sound like the same way of giving, but to be called to give is a much deeper sense of purpose, a driving force maybe.
I went to St Ignatius church for like less than 1 minute today before getting driven home. I contemplated going home straight but the taxi came quickly. Along the road, I usually waited up to 20mins for a taxi because it was just against the flow of taxis going towards the CBD. This taxi stopped within 1 min and I decided to just go to church.
He seems like the talkative kind. After a while, he seemed like the kind that just wanted someone to listen. Quite naturally, He spoke about God, believing in a God but not believing in what he does and what he can do. His children are Christian but he, he just does what he can, he isn't sure what heaven and hell is, they are just man made concepts. Who is to say hell is bad? At which I giggled a little because I agree with him! But probably not in a way he understands.
At the end of the day, he spoke about being separated from his wife because he had bad habits and she was probably just really frustrated. They didn't talk I it out, but I really hope by the grace of God that they do. I felt such sadness when I heard about a big void in his life, but he seems to have repented.
Why does he do good? Why did he stop for me when most pass me by? "Perhaps it was God inspired" he joked. But I don't think it was a joke. So when I left the cab, all I could say was "uncle, just keep doing good"
I wish I could tell him just how much of God I can see in his life, in his repentance and in his yearn to do good. He does good work because it's just right! Cheating people by going a longer route just doesn't make sense.
I'm left feeling a little melancholic, but perhaps it's the stark contrast between working for God and working for people. Working with all my heart. (Col3:23)
Peace and joy to those who do good.
Sorry, did you call me about a mission?
Here's me trying to figure out how exactly God is calling. And what that sounds like.
I never liked talking on the phone. It's hard to understand tone, you can't quite tell if there are distractions that take away from the conversation and sometimes, you can't even be sure you aren't being pranked. With those variables, it often leaves one hanging and confused - terrible communication is bad communication.
So to me, it's understandable that hearing God's call is tough! Is he saying something? Is it static? Did I hear him correctly? Are you sure you called the right person? I technically don't even know the sound of his voice when he is trying to warn me, or that look on his face when he is listening and wants to tell me something serious. Though with my gratefulness, I do know by now how God (mostly) talks to me. (I'm sure it varies for everyone)
Figuring out his ringtone
Instead of thinking about the moments God seems to have said something, I thought about the fruitful turning points in my life, world youth day, San Diego, camino, 7 fountains itself... The common thread through these experiences seems to be this statement I make before signing up for it: "I really really don't need this, but sure, if you want some company, I'll go". And these experiences end up the biggest points in my life.
Another string of calls was when I was choosing jobs, deciding if this relationship with Liu was a good idea, or even in smaller things like deciding to ask someone about their day. "Option B is not bad, feels like... 70%, but option A seems better, fits your passion 100%, GO"
So 2 questions of my call-discernment seem to pop up:
1. Is it possibly life-changing/inspiring even if you don't really need it?
2. Will it allow you to be ALL you can be?
Listening to other calls
I also found it useful to think about what other calls are like. There was a period of great questioning but it came down to this: I probably could survive religious life but I don't feel like I'm suppose to be there. I can probably do singlehood but I might scandalize myself and get so self absorbed I doubt anything my life will grow, except pride.
"Lord, if it is you, bid me come to you on the water" (Matt14:28)
You asked me to step up, You asked me to have faith, You asked me to care, You called me to come to you. I am walking on water, do I doubt his plans he set before me? O man of little faith.
Communication - The shared heart
So God talked me through it, he showed me how the relationship has indeed been fruitful. We always talk about about marriage with regards to BTOs, biological clocks or even about supporting each other, but I always felt like it was bigger than that, more romantic than that, more life changing than that. On the third day of retreat, while contemplating my personal mission, I had a eureka moment when I realized that marriage is really just about a shared mission and vision. That's it!
The call to marriage for both of us is very rooted in this idea of mission. Better yet, a shared mission. Perhaps because it came at a time we both stepped up in our personal missions, or the numerous chances to build up the church we have experienced together (e.g. camino, retreats, sessions). I daresay we wouldn't be in love if we didn't love God all that much.
Recapping a call to marriage
So maybe like most calls in my life, I feel like I might just have stumbled upon it. But at this point it allows me to authentically be ALL that I can be, and it's possibly life-changing and inspiring! (even if I don't really seem to need it.)
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you will call me." -Oceans, Hillsong