Questions Questions Questions

I'm sure we've all been asked things like..."What would you do if you became a millionaire?" or "What would you asked for if you were granted just one wish?"... Basically hypothetical questions that ask you to make personal choices...
So the thing is, should I be worried if most of the time I have no answer to those questions? Like, if you asked me what I really wanted, I wouldn't know how to answer! Is it because I have no aspirationof my own anymore? Have my life become an extension of someone else's dream? Maybe I'm working too hard to satisfy other's wishes... maybe after all this time I have no idea of what I wanted anymore...
This is so ridiculous, but the more I think about it, the more possible it seems. I don't know, just a thought. Hmm just going through the blues period I guess...

The Irony of Closeness

There's a line in this song that translates into something like : "I feel so secure, but little did I know that it's the people that are really close to you that are truly dangerous."

Not sure about everyone else, but I think that this is really true. Intentionally or not, it's those that you love, respect, or admire, that can hurt you the most. Take for example, I really can't care less about what people in general say about me. But once those same words are said by the people close to me, they would carry so much more weight. Both the positive and, possibly especially, the negative stuff.

I guess it's when you keep someone at a distance, you're in an invulnerable state. You have a shield around you that blocks off most things. But once you let someone inside that shield, be it a friend or whatever, your soft spots are exposed for the picking. I'm sure everyone has experienced this before, the slight comments or remarks that unintentionally hurt you not more because they were spoken by the people you love rather than the meaning of the words themselves.

But if you ask me, I think it's a pretty fair trade for all the positive things that those same people can bring just by closing off the distance. I mean, if and when you feel like someone is taking advantage of knowing you, you can always shut that person off. Like, if you can allow someone in, it only makes sense that you can let someone out as well.

Quote of the day!

I've never been a big fan of those so-called social networking services like Hi-5 or Friendster. My view is probably a little bias, but I reckon that they are pretty fake. I don't know, they just seem rather like tools for people to spread pretty words to one another and nothing more. Haha, strange thought eh? I mean sure it helps you keep in touch with friends/meet new people etc, but I just don't buy into the whole thing. Well, that's just my opinion anyhow.
So that got me thinking about the people that I already know, and I came to this conclusion: "You don't need to know more people as much as knowing the people that you already know more."

Well anyway, had my first day today. As usual the prospect of the semester seems really daunting. Heaps of info for my poor brain to sponge in as much as possible asap. And already assignments due by this week and the next! But I have a resolution this semester, better time management! Instead of concentrating on any one assignment for a prolonged period of time, I'm gonna do every assignment concurrently. A little of everything all the time. So I guess consistency is the key! Gd Luck to me!

Lovely beginning

The new semester officially starts today, but I'm still up even though my first class is only a matter of hours away! Insomnia, anyone?
Anyway just want to say that I got a perm today, hahaha. Nothing grand, actually. Just a little perm to give my hair more volume! :) Still getting used to it myself! Haha, can't wait to see the reactions from the uni guys!!

People: Colder with age...?

I guess that the form on companionship we look for in life differs with age itself. Back in the days in primary school, all we think about was probably someone to hang out with? Like, a group of kids for us to spend lunch breaks with. We would certainly hang around anyone as long as we can have fun as a group. Limitations were so scarce. It's not about the cool kids or the nerds (from where I came from anyway). I think it's such a simple form of attachment towards one another.
Once we got into our teens, in my opinion, that's where complications started to come in. Insecurities dictate that we stick to those we can rely on. We not only want someone to share our table in high school, but we also need ears to listen to our angst-ridden rants and complaints. But I guess that's what the real foundation of relationships are built upon. We learn to open up to others. We give them a part of ourselves, thus unconciously attaching ourselves to them. I think it's truly precious, and some adults would vouch that true friends are made at this stage in life (and I've been told so). The more personal we can be with someone, the closer we'd get to that person.
Though, what happened after that? Once we're over those teenage years (more or less anyway), do we go back to our primary school selves? We may not look for someone to play tag with in the playground, but we're definitely not as concerned with attaching ourselves so easily with anyone anymore. I guess that, after high school, the word "friend" becomes "acquaintance". Be it uni or work life, the people we meet are definitely ruled out by circumstances. We hang around those that have nothing in common with ourselves, except for similar,temporary goals ie. projects and datelines. So much so that when the goals are completed, we no longer have a need for one another. We probably get to meet more people, but it seems like there's a big indifference from one person to the next.
So maybe we're not that reliant on others emotionally/psychologically as we would be as abdolescents, but that doesn't mean that we would be as innocent and carefree as when we were in our younger years either. Companionship probably takes a back-seat in our life theorotically as we're more "independant". But in reality, I think it's just harder for anyone after a certain age to reach out to someone else. It's so much harder to get close to anyone enough to make us feel secure when we have doubts and all. It's the faux self-esteem we developed that would ultimately be our downfall, I think. The false confidence that prevents us from opening ourselves up to anyone, so much so that there's no one to turn to.

The Last Week

"Isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?"

-Celine, Before Sunrise

Ok, so it's now the last week of the holiday. Kinda looking forward to semester 2 actually, coz right now I'm at the verge of going brain-dead. Though at least I've accomplished 'some' of the things that I planned to do in the holiday. Did a bit of preparation for next semester, though not sure how well that actually turned out. Also having a bit of a head start with an assignment which is due some time next sem. With that I'm dealing with motivational issues, as usual.

I've been doing a lot of useless thinking during the past weeks. I mean, seriously, for once time is in abundance. Like, for example, when someone dies, would that make people around him/her appreciate their lives more? This idea of stark contrast is rather appalling, but I guess it makes sense too. It takes a brave soul to look death in the eye, but I guess it's takes even more courage to face life as it is. Perhaps when someone dies, it becomes like a reminder to the rest of us? That life is so fragile, and once it's over...it's gone. Maybe you'll see what legacy, or lack thereof, someone left behind?

And that kinda got me thinking further about the day, (hopefully :P) decades from now, when it's finally my time to bite the dust. Do I want people to mourn for me? What would be going through their minds at the time? Would they be disappointed that I left too soon without excercising my true potential in life? Or maybe they would be proud of my achievements? What about sadness because they miss my company, or regret that I wasn't open enough to let them know me in life a little more? Would they have to come up with pretty lies to announce at the ceremony? Sweet words that hurt them to write?

I think the possibilities are endless. I guess it kinda got to this conclusion that, since we're all here now anyway, life before death is what we should fight for. Not just ours, but for everyone's life that live alongside us. Whatever we'd leave behind is definitely going to affect their lives even after our death. So I suppose that, in all morbidity, the greatest thing a person could acheive is to be loved long after their due time.