pain ~ my way out

There's nearness in my pain, purpose in my discomfort, longing in my clenched heart. I know You in this place, I've watched You mend me here many times before. There's silence in my voice and a stillness in my efforts to climb out of the fallen reality I've settled into. I don't want to waste this pain feeding my emptiness when I could use it as a ramp into Your heart.

Pain allows two choices: run to my many, numbing distractions or run to You and wait - wait while You work, exposing the causes, the roots of my continual heartache. I choose the latter, here and now. I don't want to wait anymore God, I don't want to run anymore laps in the circles of this wilderness. Come and deal with my brokeness. Come and remind me of Your love. Come and wash me like only You can do. I invite You in.

You PROVIDE me with pain, hurt, heartache to force me to choose. And it's once again time I make the right choice - YOU.

ramblings in the night..

inspiration comes and goes. time seems to stand still.
i am awake, unable to sleep while dreams dance before me.
without You i am lost. without You i am nothing.
forever i will breath You in, letting You move in awe and wonder.

i want You and You want me.
i need US as only You can see.
i'm in love with a life i've sought to lose.
but i am MORE in love with You.

You are my greatest. You are my choice.
You are the arena where i smile at the days ahead.
You are my love. You are my life.
You are awakening me to the simplicity of Your voice.
I am grateful and in need of a touch.
Certain Your hands are reaching beneath my skin.

born ready and willing, hungry and broken, destroyed only for a moment, saved by Your grace, sought after by Your gaze, washed by Your touch, made whole by Your beauty, enabled by Your love. I am Yours and You are mine. I am Yours and You are mine.
You are mine. You are mine. You are mine and I will ALWAYS be Yours.

So You say there's more...You say I'm Yours...You say You love me... You say it's okay...it's all going to be okay because...
You see me, You meet me, You want me and you know me.
Your love is real and Your eyes are forever before me.
Watching me closely, I find You. Pulling me closely, I feel You.
Drawing me in, I'm believing You for the days I've waited to feel.

So You say again there's more...how much more, how much more?
how do I find You near always. how do I call you near tomorrow.
how do i pull you into my moments and believe in the more that You've promised.
How oh God do I walk as one who is burning with the purposes You've entrusted to a heart so delightfully sloppy.

You're not in it for the end, but the process. the beautifully messy process, full of weakness and dirty thoughts, fractures and awful plots, mends and wounds, mounds of lies, fears that run wild.
I am human, a lovely broken mess...

So here i am oh my king
my glorious glorious king
inviting you into my dirt
into my heart that's quickly falling apart

i trust that you'll reign
as i surrender all my pain
and wipe away my tears
i've worked so hard to hide for all these years

Please... just be real to me. Everyday i'm asking that You would be real to me.

unconcerned...

I am overwhelmed by emotion, threatened by accusation, and in need of love. Needless to say I am in the midst of an all too familiar battle, one that echoes its war cry with the temptation to pull away from those I love. Regardless of thier words, their screams, their understandings of who I am, God defends me. Quietly, He brushes off my heart and speaks to the words that don't belong, pulling me out of the cave into His gaze. He alone knows my heart, He alone sees my depths, and He alone determines who I am.

same old, same old

I want to run, to walk, to be free from constrictions. I want to see those that I love be changed. I want to rest and interact with my family in peace. Transformation, in the pure sense, is what I strive for and in the recesses of my heart I long for the same desire to be found in them. I want them to want more for themselves, for the people they influence, and for me. There's beauty in growth and death in stagnation and oh how it makes my heart long and churn and fear when there death is apparent and their old habits grow bigger, holding them tighter than years before. It's an escalade I dare not partake of. I know the cage well and it's not one I desire to return to. I would give anything for them to taste of what I've become, to see a glimpse of the place I call my home. Their eyes seem stuck and their gaze seems to have fallen to the floor. Their veiw of "real" an unfortunate, sad state that only breeds inward broken disaster. What a pity, a burden that all to often simply makes me want to cry.

So with that laid bare, what can be done. Where is the posture this heart of mine needs to find.

and the answer comes~ come to me and I will give you LOVE

... so simple