I've always been alone

That has never changed

No matter who I'm with

In the end

They always have to go

Back to their families

Their lives

And in the end

I'm always left alone

Everyday...

To me... Some of the luckiest people around

Are those who were fortunate enough to live

With siblings

Cousins

Even parents who are always there for them

They've never felt as lonely as I have

Afterall...

Who do I really have?

When I thought I was the most lucky, I was the most wrong.

I would give away an eternity of life

Just to spend a single day with her.

What will she be willing to give up

To spend a lifetime with me?

I can't wait to live with her

Because the days of waking up beside her

And seeing her face

Are the days that I dream of the most

How much more must I do to show her

How much I love her?

I love her.

And I want her to be with me forever

Why won't she see that?

I will never leave.

Will she?

Does she want to?

Because her happiness

Comes before mine

Always

If i could hold her for the rest of my life
I would.
I would smile every day
And make her smile, in every way.

Because she
Is all I ever want
I love her.

Completely
And truly
With every bit of my heart.

I feel sad
Confused...

Sigh...

I've always known my world would fall apart
I just wanted to taste happiness for a while longer

The problem with being so lucky in a streak
Is that when it ends

You fall hard

Is she ashamed of me?
Heh... Well... Guess you can't be too proud

Of someone with nothing to be proud of.

Fall apart
And hurt me

Because this world is made
From pain

Fall apart... I deserve nothing.

It is funny
How some of the most beautiful things
To your own eyes
Can sometimes open your heart
To feelings you never knew

It is strange how
Such beauty isn't defined
By how it looks on the outside
But how your heart sees
Everything that lies inside

Such private perfection
Only you realize
That it becomes the only color
Graying the world around you
Because it is all you want to see

Falling in love
With one of the best friends
I could ever find
Was something that nearly broke me
Into something I never thought I'd be

And falling in love with her
Is the best thing to have ever happened to me
I remember it all
Every moment
Every touch

This past month
Could well be
The happiest days of my life
So far
Because she is with me

And
For as long as she loves me
I will love her the same
Always.

Either I'm allergic to something I'm using, or some stupid bug must've walked on me or bit me. Having a fucked up rash all over my upper body and it sucks... Argh!... Could just be dirt.... But I've taken like 6 baths in less than 2 days and i've scrubbed myself twice in all of them... And most of the rash is still there...

ZzZ...

Go away rash!!

Every morning
I wake up
And already in my mind
Is only her

I do not see the sunlight
Streaming through my glass windows
Nor do I hear the trains or the cars
That drum on the world

I see her face, her smile
Her amazing eyes and beautiful lips
And I long for her sweet voice
To fill my ears

Before my feet leave my sheets
I remind myself
Of how much I love her
How much I never want to let her go

So why is it
That lately
I can bear to push her back
And turn my head away

If she is all that I have wanted
If she made my life complete
Then how incredibly dumb can I be
To treat her as less than my greatest joy

I don't understand why
I've been so moody lately
Like the sea, I know I change
But I've never been so... Uneven

Something's ticking me out
And I don't really know what
I have to control it
Become the calm me again

Because today
I learned that my smile
Is her smile
And I remembered my promise

To always want to see her smile

I love you

Truly

And if I ever push you away

Hold me tighter

Because your love will show me

That I need to keep you close

Happy. Really happy.

Being with her...

Is the best thing to have happened to me

In a long time.

I love her.

Not in the same way as I did at first

But in a new way

A deeper sense...

Life's finally took another step up
Now I've gotta look at the other things.
Studies. Archery. Sigh...

Eh... After tonight...

I think we'll just stick to kissing...

OUCH!!!

She's the only girl in my life now
She doesn't have to tell me not to
I won't go playing with others
Even if I searched for years
I'd never find anyone like her.

I didn't finish what I wanted to say...
I'm not going to like staying over
Not because of the work...
Or the girls...
But because I'm afraid
I won't have time alone with her.

And time with her, are the moments I truly miss.

She surprised me when we walked

And it made my heart feel so light

Like every pain I've held just vanished.

Even though I knew straight away

It was because of what I wrote.

I thought it was just for awhile

But when she didn't let go...

I had to smile inside.

I've always missed the small gestures

Special moments...

Always because I rushed things.

With her... Something so simple

Is truly extraordinary.

I'll take it slow

As slow as she wants to go

Only when she's ready

She and I, become We.

Are we too close? Or are we just not close enough?

Heh... I don't care if we don't say we're together

It doesn't matter if I can't hold her hand when we walk

Or that I can't hug her all the time and say I won't let go

I love every moment I spend with her

And that's all that really matters

She doesn't know

That even when she's completely silent

Boring in every way

And even when she just pure annoys me

When I want to pull out my hair and run

I feel happier being with her than with anyone else.

Tick. Tock.

Time's running out.

We haven't even talked in a while. Distance. Space. Emptiness.

If we're gonna become anything, it better be soon...

The train's about to leave

Will we miss it?

LOL!

Ahahaha!!!


I love comedy nights.

LOLROFL

I have never asked anyone twice before

I don't even know how...

If her answer does change

How will I know?

This time... She has to make it happen

A nudge... A poke... Something to make us happen

I'm scared

I've never had such fear before

Because just like death

I don't know what will happen

I am afraid...

To jump off the same cliff twice

But for her...

How can I possibly be afraid of anything?

Lately... I've become afraid. I'm not sure of what.
I find myself asking if I still like her...
My head's always said I don't
But its the way my heart jumps every time I see her
That reminds me I do

Would it too much to hope for
To think that she may actually like me
Perhaps she is also unsure
Between what her head says and what her heart wants
Such mad hope...

Would it be foolish to assume
That she tries to hide it
To distract herself
As a distance forms
So that she may change what we really want

Does she truly feel nothing, when we're together
Does she not think of me, when we are apart
Is her heart and mind really unburdened by this
Or is she just denying and ignoring
Just as afraid as I am... Of something we cannot see

I've tried to move on
But every time I step away
I have to look back
Because I'm so scared
If I walk away... We will never know

I am no coward
I took the first step
I kept pushing... I keep pushing...
She's already lost one
Will I be the second?

Heh...
This fear...
Of losing her...
Is it shared?
Perhaps she is more than ready

To lose me.

Dumb.

Time...

The both of us need a lot of time...

Why do I keep forgetting that.

I gotta stop bringing out words so rashly...

Time...

Should I leave... One day... Without a word...

As I turn my back... And step away... With no goodbyes

Maybe it is time I walked away from my life

Every acquaintance... Friend...

It's so easy to run away... Change the places I go... The people I'm with

I'm just vanishing from their lives... They'll still have each other...

It's as close as I can get to dying... Won't that make them smile?

I'm so tired...

Wouldn't it be better for all of us if I simply leave...

Wouldn't it be better for her... If I was gone?

I think I'll quit soon... Being alone is my true destiny.

What am I doing to myself...
Hasn't she already made it clear with a single no
That all she wants is for us to be apart

She doesn't like me... Her heart's clearly still taken
So why do I keep asking myself if there's a chance
I've faced so many truths, but this is the hardest

I don't know why I keep going to her
I don't understand why I Have to hold her
What's wrong with me?

Maybe it's because I don't know for sure
She's never actually said anything... I've only been assuming
But damn... I hate false hopes

I can see it... When our hands brush, she pulls away like a shock
When we sit, she distances herself further
Every contact... Every little touch... It's all me and none her

When was the last time she's wanted to ask me out
Heh... I can't even remember... It's all been me now
And yet she keeps hundreds of words from him...

I don't like taking hints...
I need another kill blow
Wish she'd just tell me that there's no hope

Right in the face
Maybe with a slap... Yeah... That'll wake me up
It would hurt a lot less than this confusion

And then I can stop this completely
No more touching... No more time together... Like with anyone else
I don't like her pity... A face that says... Let's not hurt him

I thought we were best friends...
She could tell me just about anything once
Now... Now her life's closed to me...

Why can't she tell me how she feels
I know I'm not the only one still thinking about this
I need to know... What is in her heart?

I've never not been able to let go
It took a few weeks at most...
But for her... She's like a part of me now

I know I said I'd lose this emo
But just because I've decided to put on a mask
Doesn't change the feelings I still have inside

I remember being able to talk to people so easily before
Now its like... What do I say next?
Because I just don't feel like myself anymore
I feel slightly empty... A little distracted...

I dunno why but I feel like making her angry sometimes
It's like an urge... Like a kid who wants to get attention
I'm sorry for that... I'm just a child sometimes

Hey... You're still worth it you know...
You're still someone I really want to earn
Just gimme a sign so I know that I should keep pushing

Or if you think that I should give up
Just tell me =)

---

I wonder if I'm becoming boring.
I find myself with less crap to...well... crap about.
Eh, maybe I need to go watch loads of comedy again
I always get new retarded shit from the real good ones.
Aw man, I'm like a sad joker these days
Common... Inspiration.... Gimme jokes again...
Aw shit I know the problem
My vision's been narrow lately
Just focusing on one stupid problem
Most of my jokes involved noticing the subtle stuff around me
And then being super sarcastic and wittily crazy about it.
Well, that problem's easing off now
So maybe my mind and eyes will open up again.

---
Oh hell yes... Jacob's coming back real soon.

Strong, funny, ambitious and happy

Hang in there mates. I won't bore you with this emo shit for much longer.

Eh, dating one of a pair of twins is really weird.

Especially when you meet the other one.

Don't think I'm gonna do that again.

I'm starting to open up to other girls now.

Hmm... But it still doesn't feel right.

Because I've held her close so many times.

Closer than how I would hold any friend.

And if the wind should bring him back again
Will my voice be lost in the rush that will fill her ears?

If he should say that he loves her, in that missed beat of her heart
Will her mind forget this one who's said the same for so long?

Even though I want to let her fly with the wind
I can't help but look to the heavens in pain

Will she not allow me to carry her away
And hold her close to me in ways he never can

I don't want to lose her in any way
This distance is something I can't cross alone

Could it be
That I am like the sky
And that she is like the sea
Forever apart

Will it remain
That we gaze upon the other
Longing to touch
Only able to whisper with the wind

Perhaps someday
I shall fall from the sky
As gentle rain
To find the love of the sea

Ok, with the muscles more or less back to normal, I can safely say. I LOVE MY BOW!!!

I feel a little sad. Lost one arrow today. 11 left to go. Argh...

30m was just pure ownage. Only like 7 shots landed on the 8 point red. Even bad shots like auto centered themselves. The 7 shots that didn't was when I dropped my bow too quickly. I love this bow... It does really cool shit. Imagine seeing an arrow change its flight in mid air and slam into the 10 ring.

70m was super disappointing. Dunno wtf happened to my shooting. Used to group in the 8 ring. Now its like all over the board. And yeah, lost my arrow because of that too. Maybe it's because its a new riser. Didn't have this problem with my old one. I'll try 50, then move to 70 later.

I think I'm slowly getting a good (looking) release. I felt it alot today. Although when I made bad ones, omg they were super shitty. So now it's either really good releases. Or really shitty ones. Gonna form train till its a habit.

Oh man, I really like the progress my body's making. Chest is becoming less round, and more squarish... Although it's still slightly pointed. I love that my waist is getting smaller. I seriously love my arms the most. I never knew training the triceps would help so much. I can see them getting fairly big quite quickly. Woohoo... Just a while more... Just a little while more... Finally after so many failed attempts before, I see progress. That in itself is great for me.

I got asked out by a girl I know... But can I possibly say yes even though I still like her?
Sigh. I really wish I knew what lies in her mind.

Omfg, am I fucking insane?

What the fuck did I just do tonight?

FUCKING throwing my fucking life away.

ZzZ

Who fucking waits for hours for someone who might not even show up?

It seemed like a sweet innocent idea at first... But now I feel like a dumbass fucken stalker!

OMFG? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??

ARGH!! I really wanna throw *** out of my life now... WHY WOULD I EVER DO THIS?

I must be one STUPID LAME BITCH. WTF...

I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING LOSER.

Would SHE Ever do that for me? SHE DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT ME.

ARGH!! WAKE THE FUCK UP JACOB.

WAKE
THE
FUCK
UP.

I should really just fucking slap myself. FUCKING SLAP MYSELF WITH A FUCKING SHOE.

Even Her friend told me right in my bitch shit face today.
SHE'S NEVER, EVER GOING TO LIKE ME.

So WHAT the Fuck?

Will someone just shoot my dumbwank head off?

ARGH!

JUST TELL ME YOU HATE ME AND I CAN FUCKING GIVE THE FUCK UP.
That's what you want anyway.
Kick me, Slap me, BURN ME. DO FUCKING SOMETHING TO MAKE ME STOP.

I don't want to be a dog anymore. I feel like some FUCK. SOME WASTED FUCK.

WTF!!!!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

GAH!! I'm so angry at myself.

A friend posed a very good question to me today. We started off talking about stuff and then the topic shifted to her and eventually went along to this... I said I want to deserve her. That all I'm trying to do for myself is all really for her... My friend thought about what I said for awhile.

And then he said to me. Ok Jacob. You're doing so much for this girl. We see that. Even if she doesn't want to, She has to see that. Yet you continue to ask yourself, do you deserve her?

That's when he asked me. Jacob. Have you ever asked yourself. Does she deserve you?

I stopped for a second. Stunned.

Then he continued. For all that you're doing to try and earn her, what has she ever done for you? She's just been playing you like a toy... Treating you like a dog that'll always be loyal to her. Like some sandbag she can fall on if she needs to. She's never going to like you or ever going to say yes. But she'll keep you hoping and licking her feet. Fuck it man. She's a real bit-

I didn't let him finish that one.... I punched him. Straight in the face.

One of my close friends. I've never hurt any of my close friends in my life. Well, not on purpose. Yet today. I punched one. A straight right fist into his face.

All for what?!

All because he was only talking shit that made sense to me?
Because he was actually seeing stuff I've closed my eyes to?

He's right. I know he is.

But I don't care if he's right and that I'm all wrong.

I love her. I love her for who she is.
And as long as I love her
She doesn't need to do a thing to earn me
Because I fell in love with her
I'm in the wrong
I was the stupid dumbass who fell in love
It is only my fault and only my burden
I'm the one who needs to suffer
Love was my great mistake

What is this feeling that defies even the most brilliant logic.
What kind of force could compel a man to break himself in so many ways.
A force that would leave him broken without any reward for what he does.
This is love.

She once said she wish she knew what I was thinking. I wish I knew what she was thinking.

But I cannot deny completely what my friend said to me.
I know she still likes the guy
If I was wrong
Why can't she tell me?
And if her heart is still taken
What hope shall I ever have?

I say sorry to you my friend! Even though you said it was ok. I should never have raised my fist against someone who's been there for me for so long. You've always been a great mate. I hate myself more for what I did today.

I am sorry.

For everything I have ever done.

If a truck hits me tomorrow. It's a good riddance.

Hmm...

Part of me has this longing desire to shoot. Like it seriously wants to get that 330/360 score at 70m. This part of me wants my archery to hit a new level of imba and pwn. It wants to just focus on that one thing, train every muscle and focus every bit of my mind onto the yellow. Its an old kind of me. It used to be that I wanted to train to beat the best. Now I really only have mostly myself to defeat. Although, I feel like my standards have been rapidly sinking. You know what they say, when you're at the top, there's no where left to go but down. I don't think I'm at the top, but I'm already falling. My olympic dreams haven't vanished, but they seem so childish now.

Then, there's this new, other part of me. A part that wakes up every morning and looks at my mirror and thinks, woah dude, you're making progress! It just wants to keep pushing on the fat loss and the muscle gains. Unfortnately, both of those mean sacrificing strength and energy for archery. And lets face it. When have any of you known me to choose something like fat loss over stuff I like to do. Even though I say I wanna do this for myself, the truth is, I would have given up a long time ago if it was for myself. Inside I guess I know I'm still doing this for her.

Sometimes I really wish I never pulled others into the 3. My life was really simple back then. All I had to do was ride along, pass everyday with a smile, go to classes and just train on my archery. Now, its like a divided house inside me. How can my mind focus on two yellows at one time? How can my muscles possibly endure so much physical torture. And my heart... Lets face it, pain like that will always leave scars.

And then there's the whole matter of my education. What in the hell happened to my dreams? What happened to all my ambitions of going far and getting an awesome professorship? I'm not really the type of guy that believes education is the only way to success. In fact I think it's only a dispossable tool. But still, I don't want to be some loser who didn't surpass any of his friends. I fear that I might already be such a loser.

And my writing too. When did I stop? Why did I stop? I used to LOVE writing. Writing was everything in my life. Now I barely wanna pick up the pen. I could never imagine myself become like this. But here I am. Me not writing is like death. Its like cutting myself over and over again and never feel the pain numb. Can one No cripple me this much? I don't think it was that. This is surely something else. Something inside me has changed. Is changing.

Suddenly, I'm not even sure about my future. Something that's always been predictable.

I don't know what to think anymore

So I shall stop thinking about it completely

I won't read anymore signs

Or attempt to test her waters

If she feels anything at all, oh wait - she doesn't

As much as she's worth all that I'm doing

I grow weary of changing

I won't stop for a long time yet

But my reasons for doing what I do

Will certainly change

And with them, my feelings for those around me

I was truly outraged in the rain

So absolutely embarrassed and pissed

I could have sent a slap flying

But I held my tongue and my hand

I can't stay angry though

Still, I had to rethink things

Fate seems to have had its reasons

For all that's happened

I regret doing what I did.

Now I know way too much.

He actually liked her once

And compared to him, what am I?

She likes him. He liked her

Why the F do I still try?

Only because I can't stop being stupid

Damn... I hate myself.

It's like chasing the sun
Running across the horizon
Leaping over every sea and crevasse
All to attain that beauty that's forever captivating

Yet you realize, as time bleeds away
That no matter how long and hard you try
Despite the vast distances that you may traverse
You never get any closer

But will you ever give up?
Even when you have learned
That she is never attainable
And if you do reach her, will you not simply burn?

What then?
Shall it be the moon that you chase
Ensconced in elegant mystery
Or another starry gem that lies far beyond?

But inside you know
Never again shall anything be as bright
Or beguilingly warm

As the beautiful one you still love.

If I were to walk away
Then there will truly be no turning back

No second guesses
No stopping and wondering

Choose soon
There are choices

Do I give it time
Or decide that nothing will ever happen

I will wait now
But only for so long

I keep pushing myself
Does it mean anything?

How much more can I do
What more is there to say

AHHH!! I wanna shoot. I wanna gym! I wanna lose my fat!! I don't need to build muscles, I just need to lose the fat around it so that it shows. Dammit! Really, getting my body in shape is starting to seem far more important to me now than ever before. And it's not really because of her anymore... Now it has become something I feel like doing for myself. Because even the small change recently has given me a few more looks than before.

The more time that seems to pass, the less the little things seem to matter. I find it funny that I would doubt even my close friends. Funny that I can be jealous when they are near her. Faith. Trust. Respect. What do all these mean now.

This is beginning to turn into affection. Love is not the same.

Hmm...

Somehow I don't seem to have any kind of emotion anymore. It's almost as if things have gone back to way long ago. Like months and months back. Back when I was still whining about how I couldn't find a single girl worthy of taking my heart.

I'm just in a daze. A weird daze of nothingness.

I'll be honest. I've been going out with a few girls recently, just to try and get my mind out of that swirl of crap I was in these past few weeks. But somehow none of them mattered to me. Every time they touched me or came close to me I felt really weird, like I couldn't ease into them. I might have even felt guilty for going out in the first place.

Makes me wonder... Have I already made myself hers?

I kinda really still feel stupid for having rushed things... I suppose the gush of emotions at the start was just way too strong for me to put down. It's not that I don't love her anymore, only that somehow, it feels like it has become softer. Its still there, but just not as possessive or insane anymore. Its like I can finally give myself and her some space. Without throwing away the friendship that means so much.

I feel a little childish for the way I kept saying I had to hate her. Well, I've grown a bit now eh?

Some wonder why I've been giving up so many things I like to do and taking on so many burdens. Why do all this for a girl that doesn't even care about what happens to me. I don't really know what to say to them. I suppose its a kind of faith. My faith in her. My faith in time.

Heh... Just a few thoughts...

And Argh! MST week's gonna be the shit. I never really studied much. Lets hope I pull something off, otherwise its really gonna be a hopeless 3 years.

I wanna get this week over with. I wanna go back to my rapid fat loss. I wanna get my body back in cut shape, and become the guy she deserves. I wanna get my muscles rested and start shooting properly again. Where the hell did my imba scores run off to?

Life suddenly seems to have more to it than before.

Here's one of those songs that I just really like from the first time I hear it.
At first it was the voice, then it was the music and then the way it was sung.
But now, it's also because the lyrics seem to mean something to me.

No Boundaries, Kris Allen

Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want, but how long can you wait?
Every moment last forever.
When you feel you've lost your way.

What if my chances were already gone?
I started believing that I could be wrong.
But you give me one good reason.
To fight and never walk away.

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing.

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

I fought to the limit, to stand on the edge
What if today is as good as it gets?
Don't know where the future's heading
But nothing's gonna bring me down
I've jumped every bridge and I've run every line
I risked being safe but I always knew why
I always knew why

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher, you can go deeper
There are no boundaries above and beneath you
Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you
And your dreams

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe

Yeah, there are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes

There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

My hands bleed from holding on
My mind is tired from all these thoughts
But somehow, I feel like this time
I will surely pull myself to the stars
Why does she mean so much to me?

Why not?

WOO HOO!!! JUST GOT MY APECS AND MY HMC STABS!!! WOO HOO...

Ok, so I have some of the most expensive and reputably advanced bow parts on the planet. But I'd like to state that its not what you shoot with, but how you shoot. Imba comes from practice. Long, LONG hours under the sun while absolutely burning your skin practice. Still... It's SO FREAKING nice to own the best.

Woot Woot!

Now I owe my mom even more money.

Whats next on my to buy list... Hmm... Next year I may get x10 arrows, another pair of 46 /48 pound limbs, doinker stabs... A lot of mays and ifs... I don't particularly NEED anything anymore.

It's quite simple. The better I perform, the more of my own money my mother lets me have.
No performance, no funding. Unfortunately, performance includes studying... So I've gotta mug.

As far as the other issue goes. I'm not giving up. I'll lose this fat... It's about time i did anyway... All that training for muscle building last year and the year before... I mean seriously... With all the power inside the only thing people see is the fat above. No shape, no talk.

I'll lose all this damn fat. And yes, I'm damn certain I have a cut body under there. Already have broad shoulders, I just need a slimmer waist line... And FFS, I wanna lose my man breast OMFG!!! FAT LOSS not Weight loss!!!

CHIONG AH!!!

I won't give up. You're definetly worth it.

What is truth
And what is fiction

What do I really feel
And what do I say?

How should my heart speak
And why should my mind stay silent

The things I feel at this moment
Can never change the way I feel forever

You will never lose me as a friend
No matter what I may stupidly say

My love is not so shallow
And you are not someone I can just throw away

My words before were not meant for your eyes
Why did you not just talk to me?

You would have seen what I truly feel inside
You had so many chances to search me

I promise you
No matter what I say or do

I promise you
You shall always be dear to me

No. Things can't be the same.

I can't play the nice guy forever.

I don't want to be the loser best friend.

I won't take this endless pain for nothing.

If I am to forget everything

Then the friendship must fly away.

I'm sorry. That's the way it has to be.

I love her. But this must become hate.

Otherwise, I will simply love nothing.

I want my life back.

And I know she wants what ever else.

Damn all this pain. Why oh why did I have to fall in love?

I wanna break my hands.... I wanna break my head.... I wanna rip my heart...

I have to become the coldest winter.

Or I shall die from her endless chill.

Why couldn't she just say yes.

Why the hell couldn't she just give it a try.

We could have always gone back.

I would've been happy knowing that we tried.

But this is so much more painful.

She can smile while I have to cry? How is that fair at all.

I don't want to be nice anymore.

It's time to feel my nothing.

I don't know what to think anymore...
Inside I suppose I still love her very much
Every time I see her my heart jumps
Funny, because she's still only a friend

I love her hair
Every time she leans close to me
I have to breathe in deep
So luxuriant, powerful

And oh god her skin
How soft and warm
Even the most minute touch
Makes me feverish

Its so strange
She was below average, barely on the scale
And three months in
She's become the perfect girl

But what is this new feeling
It's like hate
And disgust
A need to crush her

Is it a hidden vengeance?
For what she's done to me
I find myself chanting
Damn her, damn her

I don't want to speak
To look
To touch
Or even be around

But every time I place a distance
I find myself wanting
And while I step away
She pulls into me

I've tried holding back
Looking and listening
Sensing and feeling
But it doesn't add up

I see her eyes looking for me
I see her ears keenly listening to my words
And when I do nothing
It is I who feel her touch when we're alone

Yet is there nothing in her heart?
Not even the tiniest liking
Why does she act so differently towards me
When she's the same with everyone else

I don't want to over think things
But I can't help it
There are just too many confounding signs
If they are signs at all

I have begun to wonder
Will all this work
All my struggles to earn her
Truly pay off?

What if after all that time
All I get is another no
Strong as I have become
Can my heart take another blow?

I still love her
But I will need to hate her
I still want her
But I will need to lose her

She is so close to perfection
My hand fits hers, fingers and palm so connected
My arms slip around her waist so easily
And when our eyes meet, it's always special

But there's something wrong
Somewhere things aren't right
Because I feel a pull
When I hold

For the first time in my life
I prayed to God
To give me strength, courage and wisdom
Not to get a girl, but to forget her

She's the only one in my entire life
Who's made me want to become so much more than I am
Without saying a single word

Wait for me
Let me show you how much you're worth
Allow yourself to see what I can be

I want to earn you
However long it may take
Give me a chance

As I boil and break
Destroyed and torn in so many ways
I shall become greater than I ever was

All for you.

Drenched to the bone
In rain and sweat

I can feel the raindrops
Trickling away

Just like how she's gone
And ain't coming back again

But I've got this feelin'
To hold her close

Forever

Forever...

There's a sign
That goes out in time

There's a rhythm that beats
Deep beneath

Somehow the world ain't changing
Time ain't moving

Cuz she's my breath
And she's my life

I've got this feelin'
To hold her close

Forever

Forever...

Forever...

Eh... Something I randomly sang in the lift...

Day 4

Somehow today.. after all the planning of stuff i was gonna say to her... I didn't

The first thing she did when i saw her today was laugh... She was so happy, so carefree... So herself... Painless, untroubled... I was crying on my own at a side... Only listening to her laughter...

I realized then that even if it killed me, I would never want to take her smile away... I would never want to hear her laughter stop... I decided then that i wouldn't remind her of the whole thing again... Not when she seemed alright now... If i had to, I would take every pain and bear it... Such is how i love her...

She and I know now that we're just being best friends... I feel a kind of gap that i didn't feel before, but I hope time will close that up again...

The pain isn't unbearable anymore... May be it's because my heart's so used to being hurt and broken... Pain like this should've killed me... Would've killed anyone...

I actually puked at school... That's twice in the same day...

What can I say... We'll let time heal the rest of it up... I've talked about it for so many hours now... I've gotten counseled by so many friends... All that's left is for time and fate to bring things forward...

If i ever love again, I hope things work out... My broken heart seems to be reaching its limit...

Day 3

My mind seems to be in one place and my heart in another...

I was hoping that this morning would be at least a little bit normal... But when I woke up, I puked, again. My heart started aching and I had to just pace my home to think things out...

No matter what I tell myself, I still love her so much.

I know that being her best friend gives me no peace... Because I'll always be with her... And that'll hurt more... But I suppose even that pain will pass eventually and then I'll just have a really great friend in the end... Which is surely a good thing right?

Well... That's what I keep telling myself and, more importantly, my heart... My mind may believe, but my heart still aches, because it knows what I truly want deep inside...

I want a chance... Which I will never get...

Day two of my imba heart break.

Today... Was a brilliant day.

But lets start with last night. Time was crawling for me... I kept thinking about her... I didn't have much to take my mind off things and I wanted to get some sleep. But I knew that would be difficult, so I went to the medicine cabinet.. I took the bottle of sleeping pills... For a fleeting moment, I felt like popping 5 or 6 inside me. Then my mom came over... And asked what I was doing... That snapped me back.

Phew... Good thing she did or you may have had one less oxygen eating friend on this planet.

I woke up this morning, rushed to the toilet again. Had to puke. Too much pain.

I paced the length of my hall and kitchen maybe 100 times before it was time for me to get ready for the so called "field trip" to science center. That helped a little... Regulated my heart beat, made it hurt less...

All the way through the trip I couldn't take my mind off her... Everything reminded me of her... Every other woman or girl i saw reminded me of her. I had to text her... And i did... I had to call her... And i did...

The trip ended shortly... I decided I wanted to meet her... She agreed... I think... I just needed to test something... I put my arm around her as I usually would... It felt normal. We were just friends... But the moment she left, I felt the pain return... I wanted her again.

Then I headed for my club, never wanting to go home till it was late. Had a couple of my friends there, and the jokes we had cheered me up... For awhile...

Then Suffi came over... We talked for a long time as we walked and ate... I tell you, that guy knows more about relationships than he thinks. But i suppose it's always harder to give advice when you're the one in trouble. He had a great analogy for why i yearn for her this much...

I'll share it...

Imagine if you like doing something a lot. When you're doing it, you don't feel much. But when you're not doing it, you feel like you really want to. I guess that's why when i'm with her, i feel nothing burning... But when i'm not, i feel an urge to find her again.

Then I talked to Daniel as we walked home.. That took a lot of my chest as well... Good thing I followed him.. Maximised time spent, maximised energy spent, maximised pain lost. Good. A lot of healing....

And finally, I talked to another friend who was.. worried about us.. I learned a lot... About her feelings, and I got to really express my feelings too... And this was the one that took nearly all my weight out...

Typing it now.. seems to be the cherry on the cake... I feel very good now... And i truly feel like this time I can make her a better friend and be a better friend to her than ever before. I hope the pain doesn't return, but in case it does, I'll be spending a lot of time with the guys these next few days...

I will get stronger.

It's been long time since I've liked a girl... Partly because it took me so long to forget the last one.. and partly because there just seemed to be no one to like...

I never saw her coming... She was clearly not my "type" of girl, any guy friend of mine would see that from a mile away. So how did my heart start longing? How did my mind begin to want? I don't know when or why it became love... She was only a friend... Only just another girl until a few days ago...

The worst part about this one is that... unlike all the other girls I've met... She was actually someone who.... for a time... seemed to come really close to me... I honestly thought I had a chance with her... My mistake... as always... I only had to take a small step back to see that she was like that with every guy...

When i first thought about it, I asked myself how every girl I've asked could be so cold... That expressionless face as they say no... That tone of surprise mixed with disgust and fear... For a moment I thought she was just like the rest... Cold... Hard... Mercilessly cruel...

But then... I thought about it again... And i realized... She'd guessed it so long ago... And that she herself was confused, just as I was. Only... She wondered about how she could possibly turn a friend down, while I wondered how much pain I could endure from being turned down...

Even as she said no... I could see it in her face... She felt pain... A different pain... She didn't want to look me in the eyes... And her voice quivered a little... Suddenly... I felt guilty... I should never have put her in that situation...

I don't know for long this pain will last... I've never puked from a heart ache before... And yet this morning I woke up and just ran to the toilet... Too damn bad I had nothing inside me... My stomach just wrenched itself and I could only puke water... It hurt... But it took some of the pain away as well...

Somehow I feel like... I can never really be her best friend or her close friend again... Every time a guy goes near her I feel this... Sudden burst of envy and need to protect her... Why do I feel that I need to be her hero? Why do I feel like no other guy should touch her? She's not mine...

I have never felt a heartbreak like this before... I have every symptom... I can't sleep... Time drags on and on and I keep wishing for a new day... I know this feeling will pass just like the others... But what I can't get over is the fact that I don't want to stop holding her like I used to... I want my touch to be that of a good friend and not a love sick loser...

They say... To keep a girl you love as a friend is the most painful kind of relationship... But it also tests your strength as a man... Am i strong enough?

She's truly given me a lot of firsts in my life... Sometimes... I wish I never got that close... Sometimes I wish I just didn't have any girls as friends... I'd rather them all hate me, than become close and then spit at me...

Geez, they were right... Typing it out really helped take away the pain...

I'll call her tonight... Maybe my voice will return to when we were just friends...

Stuff I came up with this weekend...

Every shot's like a sniper's last round ... ehhh when i was thinking about how important every single arrow is in a competition. It's easy to spam during trainings, but when a limit's imposed, you really gotta make your shots count.

There are two kinds of astronomers in this world. There's the kind that looks at Mars and thinks, we'll colonize that planet someday. And then there's the kind that looks at Mars and thinks, we're gonna colonize the Universe. --- lolx... I'm not really sure how this one popped into my head... I think i was thinking about how competitive i was... Basically, one astronomer can look at Mars and think that expanding into it is an accomplishment. But the other already has the idea that not just Mars, but every planet in the Universe can and will be colonized someday. In the latter's mind, Mars has already been conquered.

Hmm... Lately I've had this sudden burst of an intense desire to shoot. Funny thing is, my doc says I shouldn't for at least another 4 weeks. I can only wonder how much I'm damaging myself by disobeying. But I kinda need to give in to my desires, and this one's no exception.

I haven't really gotten over the thrashing I got at SP Open. Maybe that's why. The other reason might be me spamming 1400 bucks on my new riser and stabilizers. Parent's are advance paying, but if I don't put in the effort and win the next one, then really, what more is there to say? A clear sign that I'm truly talentless and useless at the sport... Failing even with the best of the best after weeks of hours worth of training. The depression I will feel then? I can imagine.

I've learned that I shoot really well when I'm on my own, and totally in a zone. Most people think I'm emo, but I'm really not. It's just the quiet, the not talking, the not getting distracted. When I stop thinking of funny things to say, or people to bug, or other matters of the heart... It's like I can find my zone so easily. And the shots I make in the zone... I love those shots.

But... it'll be easier to find an emo side if I didn't have any friends at the sport to begin with right? So... shouldn't I simply use my dark side and shatter all my friendships? I think I might... I don't have that many friends anyway... I Know they talk bad things about me behind their back... And I know that no matter what girl, the view of me isn't that different from how it's always been.... So... who's left? My team... But they'll know me better and there isn't much to sever with them.. so...

Really... I need an emo. Trainings will be much quieter now... Or will it? They seem fine without me... They don't need me... And I keep asking myself why I need them...

FO camp went by. Hmm, I can only say that I wish I wasn't sick. So many opportunities for fun gone because I was struggling to keep my body upright. Recently, I've been starting to notice how weak I am. It's ok that I can carry loads of weight, it's ok that I can endure narutal elements for hours, it's ok that I can hit and get hit and take all that pain. But I don't think that's what it means to be strong anymore. I'm starting to think that I'll only be strong when I can do all that even while I'm injured and sick.

This camp made me think about how people's character's can get amplified and modified by fatigue and pressure. It's interesting, really. I've learnt that I need to try harder at certain things. If people think I'm level headed, why do I have random outbursts? I need to learn to think while I'm doing things rather than after. I've also learned that next time I camp, I'm not gonna speak much to people who seem to have their plate full. It kinda makes me see their bad sides, and I don't want that.

Except for the sickness, I suppose the camp was ok. Personally, I don't expect many real archers from this new batch. They didn't seem to have the level of interest that's needed. And there are those that I hope Won't stay. Attitudes are something to be adjusted.

Still, stay or not, I expect things to be interesting. It took almost three years to feel like a real senior in ncc. It only took less than a year for archery. I think that's why I feel like it's too soon. After just a year in the sport am I really good enough to pass my knowledge? I will try what I can.

The random rant ends.

It was just a kind of numbness at first. Like something alien and different. I didn't know what to feel, or think. I just knew that it had happened, that it was over.

Losing. I know that feeling. I've known it all my life. But it felt so... new. Is this what they call the fall from glory? No, I was never glorified. Can it be that this is the feeling of working towards nothing? All that time, sweat and pain. Thrown to the wind.

When it happened, when I realized it, it stung a little. There was a lot on my mind. Mostly pointless things. It didn't really mean much to me at the time... Only a tiny cry at the back of my head.

But when it was all over, when we packed up and took in that breath of knowing that it had all ended, something hit me right in the face. I'd lost. I'd been trashed, so badly that to even consider me an archer would be a hard fought lie.

Then rage took over. Confusion tagged along. I didn't ask questions. I only felt like screaming and yelling. When I was alone, I lashed out at everything I saw. It was just so painful inside, I didn't know what to do. It hurt so much.

I couldn't understand how the rest could be so calm. Hadn't they lost as well? I thought a shower would do me good. The water was cold, my head was hot. And yet, I dyed the shower pink with the blood of my hands, painting the walls red with my knuckles. I kept slamming my head into the wall and hammered myself with the hose... All to make the pain a bit more touchable.

It still hurt, and I still didn't ask why. Only when the day was done did I think.

Why was it that I had shot so badly? Where had all the training and confidence gone? Who could I blame? What was it?

I know the answers. I know. It was me. It has always been me.

There was the back injury. The excruciating pain every time I drew my bow. The inability to completely control my right hand. There was the fatigue from the sleepless nights. There was the muscle aches and the migraines. And there was my weak willed mind that couldn't ignore all these petty things.

But I swear, on my pride and my honour. I will never again leave with empty hands. Training isn't the solution anymore. I have shot more arrows than anyone in my year. I have pulled my bow hundreds of times a day. Focus. I need focus. The ability to shut off the world seems to be my problem.

I will not fall. Not again.

Recently I've had this pleading urge to run away. I don't feel like staying where I am anymore. Maybe it's the fear that I will never move ahead in my life that beckons this feeling. Everyday it grows stronger, this need to run, to escape. Everyday I look at my road bag and I itch to fill it with a few clothes and needs and just leave. For a few days, weeks... Months.

I don't know what it is that I keep seeking. Maybe that's why I seek it so much. Is it answers? Is it knowledge? What? I don't know. But it's so powerful, this want to know it. There's a hole there... Something that seems vital but absent.

Lately things have begun to lose flavor, color, life... value. I wake up each day not knowing why I exist. Water is dry, food tastes like ash. I find it hard to smile with my eyes, I find it hard to laugh with my heart. It's as if everyone has become a stranger. Friends, family... I don't know them anymore.

Something inside compels me to take a long look at my home before closing the door behind me. It tells me that I should go... Like an instinct to leave the nest. Somehow I feel like if I spent a few weeks just living off nothing and wandering the roads, I will find what I am looking so intently for.

I feel like I will find the answers to all these questions. So many questions. Painful questions.

Maybe it is greater sense of faith.
Maybe it is deepened wisdom.
Maybe it is vast knowledge.
Maybe it is fear of life.
Maybe it is a sign.
Maybe nothing?

What is it that makes me want to flee. What force could be so strong that I would want to leave all that is dear to me to chase it? Why do I think such things when those around me can live life undisturbed by such thoughts.

Fill that hole... Please.

Took a short walk in the rain today. Had to clear my head of a few things. Been thinking about life again. More so than ever before. I still chase meanings and only find more questions and provocations.

The only thing better than getting soaked to the bone in rain is getting melted by a long, hot shower afterward.

Yeah, I think my head's a little bit roomier.

YES! Fixed the boot log and got my vista running again. No more XP to leach my hard disk space now too. Sigh, i'm not really sure that i'm all that happy about leaving my techie days behind.

Anyway, the first problem still persists - my WLAN drive is totally screwed. Doesn't work often, or doesn't work at all. Tried all possible options to get a stable wireless connection through to my laptop with the exception of two - getting it to HP and having them replace the drive and the MoBo or buying a USB wlan drive and using that instead.

Problem with the former, HP techies are really slow and they'll probably give you some dumbass generic response after you've sent them your comp + they might do something stupid like fix my screen and then ask 1k from me. Problem with the latter, USB = a fixed max speed of data transfer. And i haven't used one before.

SHIT! I'm typing like a linguistic moron... Fricking engineering is messing up my once ownage english. Well, it's still relatviely ownage but it ain't no god-like-even-on-international-level shit no more.

Ah well.

Sorry, i had to give in to my flamboyant self.

Argh!!! Totally messed up my entire laptop OS. For those in SP with the dual boot that got forced into your nice computers - if you wanna remove XP, don't delete the partition directly. It messes up your entire boot and you won't be able to load either of the windows.

Just like how i can't load now... You'll probably get Error 17 : File Not Found.

Tried a few shitty things with the command logs and BIOS and none of them worked. Gonna d.l a vista recovery cd and try and have that fix the missing files. If that doesn't work i'll have to do a clean wipe and reinstall windows. SHIT!!! I had so much important data in there from my writing and drawings... Loads of nice pictures too... ARGGHHH!!! Hopefully i won't have to wipe.

ARGHHH!!! I'm gonna back up stuff every day from now on... Used to do it every month and i just happen to have done a lot this month.

Damn this shit.

Hmm i realised i've never really put up pictures of my bow before. So here are some, with my new limbs attached. Soon i'll have an even more complete set - alloy arrows, a soma stabiliser system and maybe a sure-loc sight. Projected price total - o i'd say about another 1000 - 1500. Might get the APECS TF riser to go with my APECS NANO limbs... But i'm not too sure.

Anyways.



Always cooler to rest the entire weight of your bow on a single arrow.



Nano Limbs - latest, lightest and thinnest. The orange glows under lots of sunlight.



NX Xpert riser. Old but still gold.



Win & Win. Feels more stable than Samick and kicks better than Hoyt. IMHO.



I like this pic. Dunno why, but I do. Check out my nice, long stabiliser. Well, club's.

Several things have happened over the past few days... I guess I'll start off with the camp.

I'm really grateful and thankful to have been given the opportunity to coordinate and lead the camp. I thought I did a fair enough job, I know I lagged off at points but overall I think I pulled it off well enough. No one went ill or got maimed on my watch which is all I really cared for.

I guess the items on schedule went off as well as I planned it would. The less stronger of the participants were pushed to new limits and the fitter ones were still strained that bit more than usual. Again, all that I really aimed for. The more experienced ones learned some new things I hope they will keep for a fair and good long time and the newer ones basically got a leap forward in their performance and knowledge. Or at least I hope they got a leap forward.

So yeah. Even though some may argue that I gave a bit too much slack time, I thought it was quite necessary for the bonding and the unwinding. And bonding was the initial purpose of the camp, until it became training. I was poofed at the end, I guess it's been longer than I thought since I organised a camp. Never really got much sleep thinking about the safety of members and all that.

Mmm I got my new limbs. Bloody sweet pair they are as well. White on the front and black on the back. Sigh, I got an inch long scratch on the back of one limb because I accidently brushed it on the floor while making my nocking point... Well at least it isn't that obvious. Or is it? Sigh, I didn't want to look at it for too long. I guess scratches will come in due time anyway.

800 dollars. Phew. Well I gotta pay back the parts my mom chipped in. Man, I swear I'm gonna go all out with my training now. It was 200 - 300 shots a day before, once my new arrows come in I'm pumping it to 600 shots a day. No shit all out yo. Next time I'll take the gold. I FRICKING SWEAR THIS!!! I'll beat them all. I have to eh. Why else spend or dedicate so much if it's not to be the best? Aim for the edge of the universe and you'll still fall on a star farther than anyone dares to dream possible.

Exam results came in.

Hmm... Relief is the first word to come to mind.

Confusion may be the second.

Relief because I made it? Man, it's still a question in my head. I'll tell you why it's such a big question. No matter how much I twist and turn it in my mind, I just can't get around the seemingly obvious fact that I should have failed. In term one I was quite hardcore in my work. But after that, I skipped more than half my lessons a week, I failed nearly every test in just about every subject, I never did any of my quizzes and I basically stopped caring about many of my projects. Thinking it through, the best marks I could've gotten were probably around the 30 range for most of my modules.

So how in the heck did I make it? People who did a little more work than me still had to repeat a module or two. I know I'm not supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth but I'm really tempted to take a peek. Why? How? Who?

My guess is that some of the lecturers might have seen my better side. I know for some I shared my concepts on solar energy cells and methods for retaining more energy. I know they were slightly impressed by how I developed these concepts by myself without any prior experience. I thought they were quite unqiue, but it turned out most of my ideas were already being used. Still, I had a few concepts that got even them thinking.

I know for some lecturers I shared my personal struggles - problems about course changing, about where I should be and where I was, problems with class relationships. I guess they might have seen that my ride through wasn't as smooth as it should have been.

And for the last group of lecturers I guess they saw how capable I was of learning if I wanted to. Hours worth of lectures I could absorb in minutes. Of course their teaching style had to change a little for me to grab that info, but once they figured out how I learnt best, I suppose they saw potential, small or large.

Of course these are just guessess. The last guess would be that they were desperate to keep more students in the course rather than lose so many of them.

Relief. Indeed. I didn't feel this much pressure even for my O level results. Never before did I feel such a strong sense of assured faliure. Someone somewhere wanted to give me a second chance. Will I take full advantage of it? I can't promise that. My foundation is just too soft, the amount of work I will need to put in will be something I have never done before. It might again last the first term and then fade away. But I know if I try, anything is possible. It goes the same for all of us.

Try hard enough, work hard enough and success will follow.

I think I'm going to give up on this whole genius thing. What's the point of being one if you're just gonna fail anyway? I'll just be some dumb fuck and ace my exams with work. Pure, honest hard work.

Wish me luck. Or don't. Either ways, it's my life to lead.

Tonight i was rather painfully reminded of why I always have to show my mom my love for her... The reason why nearly all the time i spend with her i'm hugging her or kissing her cheek or holding her arm...

I just wish my dad wouldn't drink at night... It's always the drinking that makes his tongue slip... Causes all these curtained memories to spark up again... I haven't forgiven him... And just like my mom i won't except what he did... Even after all this time.

I dunno... It just got me thinking... With my mom crying again... It's not her usual kind of crying ya know... Its this... ah... I dunno... Its this really painful cry... like a kind of extremely deep emotional pain... You can just tell... and you know you can't really do anything to help it go away...

It really made me remember what i'm here to do... I feel like i've just been wasting too much time... Suddenly i feel like my life has just been a collection of nothing... All this time... We always acted like nothing's gone wrong in the family... But that ain't true... Loads have happened. Too much to bear. I can always try to ignore it... try to believe that it don mean nothin to me... But my mom.. naw... she can't ever do that cuz it's all really happened to her.

I know i've told them i'd pay them back for all they've done for me... But now i wonder if i'll ever be able to do that... Everytime i say it... Do i really mean it? Can it happen? Not the way i'm going now... Now it just looks like i am one big waste of 18 years.

Tonight really made me feel so sad for my parents... I just suddenly realised how old they really are... dad's gonna be 55, mom's 52... That's half a century of life... It made me realise that... in a few more decades... They aren't gonna be there anymore... Gives me this sick feeling in my gut... Them being gone... I don't got no siblings...

And then i got to thinking about how much they've suffered alot of their lives... They had alot of potential... the both of them... And i guess for a while in their young days that potential put them somewhere... But along the road... Something just went wrong... Luck really abandoned them...

I guess it's fate... putting two people of misfortune together...

It's like they tell me sometimes... Their time's quite rightly over... All that opportunity's gone with their youth... Their successes... their dreams... All gone... What's truly left for them is just me... I'm their only hope... Their only dream... My mom put in all this time, effort, pain... just tryin to bring me up... So that i can be somebody... Live a life better than theirs... Become someone of worth...

Sigh... what am i doing? Do i really want to bring my family more hurt? Do i want to bring myself more pain? I dunno eh... I dunno... This sucks... I hate this kind of feeling... And yet all the time i just lock it away... deep inside...

And then moments like this one... Just rip my heart.

It hurts.

Every time someone mentions the day, date or time when the exam results are set to be released, my heart takes a dive off a cloud. Sigh... I sense impending doom and yet I lead each of my days like I would never get older tomorrow.

Ordered carbon arrows and the latest pair of limbs out there. Also ordered a chest guard and a new stringer... Could've ordered a new set of stabilisers but FUCK the price difference...

All in all - 1100 to 1300 bucks... Five months of hard saved money... I really don't get it. 12000 bucks sitting in my bank and I have to deny ALL of it till 21? Fuck. Why'd i bother to write that much money's worth when i was young and stupid enough to give it to my mom. Oh well... For now it's kinda like my federal reserve.

Well... What else is there? Super black now. My skin's peeling... Eeeewwww.

Oh right. My story board. http://beforepages.livejournal.com

If you haven't read it before, start from the start. A lot of little snips and notes here and there so you don't end up asking me annoying questions... Of course, annoying or not, i'm always happy to talk about the story.

Peace.

Well, just got back from the IVP competition at NTU and I must say it went well... The first day was a little bit rough for me - I didn't get a wink of sleep the night before and that just pwned my overall stamina and strength.

But it was ok i guess, doubt i would've gotten the first place for individual rankings even at my best. Today, the second day, was much better... The overheating i got on Saturday meant that i hit the sheets really early so i had quite enough energy in the morning... That carried me all the way up in the IKO rounds i suppose. And in the end I got 2nd place. I dunno if i could've gotten first, i feel like i was too happy with securing a silver and just let myself slack. But i gotta say the guy I fought with was no chump... almost constant 10s... phew! I kinda feel bad though, i should've offered him the challenge he deserved. Something worthy of a final round match... I want another go with him at SP Open.

By far this competition produced my best match ever; a tie breaker for the semi finals against the home team archer... It was like an army of supporters against me... It was nice though, I felt a really new sense of relief when i won it by a point. The matches were really tight - all of them. And he is probably one of the best sportsmen i've seen in a long time. Very humble and very gracious. Another guy i hope to see again at SP Open.

I think i could've done better... what i did out there was certainly far from my best. I could blame the sun or the wind but that'd be a lie... and a bad excuse since everyone had to face those same conditions. It was really about me... A slip here and an itch there, a nervous tremble here and a weak knee there and you lose a few vital points. But ah well. It's over. I suppose it'll be nice to take some kind of solace in the fact that no SP novice archer trained for the event... But bah, another bad excuse for not doing as well as we should've.

We lost team... I could blame my team mates, but it's a team event. We're one in the same - if one of us fails, we all fail. We should've banded and trained long before, but we didn't and we got bashed. And i started getting signs of another overheat so i wasn't exactly performing like the winner i was earlier in the morning.

I met a few really good sportsmen out there on the field today and i honestly hope to have another match with them soon. I'm wondering if my mom will buy me my bow stuff now that i've gotten this... hmm...

A breeze? A gust? Just a sound, rushing by my ears. It is emptiness, a kind of freedom almost. I feel my shirt, lashing wildly, slapping at my cold flesh. My eyes are closed, all I see is a white blank under dark lids. The wind is ceaseless - just a growing rush. Where am I? My conscious is absent, yet I feel the air slipping through my fingers, feel the dance of every strand upon my head. Heavy eyes open, slowly, and gaze upon glory. Cotton fields of water shrink above me, grand paintings upon a blue canvas. And then it stops. The noise is gone, so too is the wind and the light. So too am I. Just a dark, pounding silence. It is emptiness, so constricting. Where am I? I will never know.


It blinds me, a pain temporary. Such solitude, only blue above and yellow around. I feel death on my cheeks, burning shards. My fingers twitch, skin like stiff leather. Lips part and glue tears at stone flesh. Ash fills my throat, air feels absent - as does my tongue. I yearn for something, I feel it digging deep, clawing at a void. My lips remain parted, praying. The blue is gone now. Just grey and black, and still yellow. I blink and it falls, with a roar. Tickling my nerves, satiating the languish.

Well, it has been a good long time since I've blogged about anything... It was 5 hits a day by the looks of my last post. Don't seem like its any more than 1 a day now... I either have a seriously dedicated reader, or at least one random person a day pops in.

I don't think I'm going to share anything about what's been happening these last two months. It's less of the same, and more of the infrequent.But I will admit that during these last two or, perhaps, three months of inactivity, there have been so many thoughts I have held and then let go off. Thoughts of life... Of our questionable existence. Yes, our.

Surprisingly enough, I actually ink journalled all of these random and stray provocations on my mind. Why do I say surprisingly? Because keeping a diary of my life isn't something I ever envisioned myself doing. Always imagined that it would be a feminine thing to do, really.

So what could possibly urge me to actually blog about one of those many thoughts... Well I dunno. It just came to me. And i just felt like it.

The first year of my poly life is drawing to its close. It doesn't seem like very long ago I was talking about how this whole thing was a new step in my life. How I would change and become some awesome new dude... Hah... I have to laugh quietly to myself... So many dreams... So many possiblities... Not so long ago.

I dont know how much I've accomplished... I suppose emotionally I've learned so much... That life can be impossibly cruel, that not everyone has to like you. That maybe no one will for a long time. I've learned that the devil has his ways... That my greatest weakness still resides in me, growing so strong, governing my state of existence with the ever tightening grip of one of the seven sins. Sloth, I resent you. And yet, your clawed hands continue to dig deep into me, meeting no resistance.

I still contumaciously say that i regret nothing, that I will accept, with an arrogance that I find immigrant, whatever fate has to throw at me. But, if I were to pry my own shell of stubborn hauteur and tear away at my glass armour of improbable lies, I find that tiny remnant of honesty lost to me for so long... And when I look at it, i see naught but my naked self.

How disgusting. How worthless.

In truth, I regret so much - if life could turn back, the list of things I would change is insatiably long. In truth, I have done so little - accomplished nothing worthy of praise or pride. And in truth, I have lost the true meaning of the word friend - of the term friendship. Who are they... Why are they.

One has to wonder. What happens if this is the end? If right after my approaching exams, life ends. I suppose for me, I could say I've led a somewhat good life... It has been a crazy ride, for sure... As a friend said, my life has been complex from my first second on earth. I have yet to learn the entire truth to my birth. To why I'm not the same as the world I walk among.

I suppose all the awards I earned from my writing in an age when most children just learn the term of a sentence, could make up easily for a rather unaccomplished teenage life. I wish that was the truth of how I feel, for I still wish that someday I might be as great as my friends.

To be honest. Life has been... easy. I have never struggled with studies, always finding work too elementary, always underestimating the knowledge granted to me. I never saw the need to ace any of my subjects. Sure, at times I'd wish I could stand up at the top but it never came across as a necessity for me. All that seemed to be required was me getting to the next level. And, so far, that's what I've done. Sometimes, for the sake of my parents, I put a little cherry in my grades, a few nice little A's and distinctions. But even then, I felt no particular satisfaction. It was always far easier to lay back and close my eyes. Always far nicer to dream and think while the rest of the world just hustled about in a fury of work and commitment.

Yes, stress has never been part of my lifestyle... Indeed, I might say I've been blessed with an innate ability to find a cool peace even when the fires of turmoil and bedlam rain upon my world. Perhaps it is not entirely a blessing. Perhaps stress is the reason why my friends accomplish things I see no reason to be good at.

I've always wished I could lead the life of the richer of my mates. Always wished that if I had their potential wealth, I might be a very different person. Perhaps. But when I think about it, I would've probably been a shit. It's a really good thing my mom locked my small wealth away. A really good thing that she never granted everything I asked for. But now and then, she's given me something that made my life... happy. And if it weren't for greed, I would say that I'm very content with my life.

Life, for me, hasn't been the dream ride. But its been good. Luck had its ways of throwing me away from things I desired while giving me paths to always move forward.

I suppose the only thing I feel bad about is how no girl will ever love me. Tst, everytime i think i like one, i remind myself that I'm me. And love is a hopeless persuit for me. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because i'm dark, maybe it's because i'm not Chinese, maybe it's because i'm not exactly fashionable or wealthy. It might even be because so few girls appreciate the simple and honest approach these days.

If life were to end now, there would be few things i would truly regret... I would regret not using the brain I was gifted. So many things i could have done with my mind... So many people out there who study and work so hard for months upon years to accomplish what i could in a matter of weeks. And yet, why did i not? I regret that. I regret it so much.

I would regret not being able to show all men the grand worlds that my imagination has so carefully crafted. I would regret not undertaking my dream of being an author early in my life. I would regret that the world would never know of my ability to create the impossible with words... That i would simply pass as another person in a grave.

I would regret not changing the world... All my life I have prayed and hoped that no matter what I become, I would change the world - in life or death. I truly wish that someday, i'll leave my mark, changing this world for the better, for all future generations to remember. If physical immortality is impossible, then i would at least hope to be a legend - immortal by simply existing in the minds of all who live.

I would regret dying with no girl to hold me in her memory... Love is something my heart desires so much. And yet love is something I could never gain no matter how much wealth or knowledge i might attain... I would truly regret dying without someone who cherished me as a friend and a companion. Someone who loved me as more than just a person.

And what i would regret the most upon all is to leave my mother without accomplishing anything. She has done so much for me. Her suffering for me still lies deep in my heart, and to leave her without any repayment would be something I could never die with.

To say I have lost the path in my life might be a slightly veered statement... I have not lost it. I am just walking away from it... Always able to see the greater things i could do by my side, but not changing my course to that greatness.

I wonder. Why do I exist?
I wonder. Why do I desire love?
I wonder. Do I truly have friends?
I wonder. Who shall keep me in their memory when I do pass?

I wonder if I shall ever walk upon that path to greatness.
Or shall I forever walk by it, keeping what could be in my sight, but never attaining it.

Jacob.
Saturday, 7th Febuary, 2009.

Ah... I haven't been blogging much lately, and i doubt that'll change much. Might explain why my counter has dropped so damn much. No one's even reading no more. Ah well.

Anyway, i've been having a lot of free time, and that pretty much means i don't do anything, which means that there's nothing to blog about. Don't understand why even when the holidays are here no one's going out. Is it me? Do i smell? Meh.

So i've been writing again. This time more seriously than ever. Pushing my story forward with a lot more gusto... I've gotta make it big. I HAVE TO BECOME AN AUTHOR. It's like the only thing in my head right now. Just imagining and writing the story day and night.

Food. I've been eating a lot. Maybe gorging is the right word. It's like i just keep thinking of food and eating and chewing. This can't be healthy. Even when i feel full i just want to eat. Something must be wrong with me.

Oh yeah, also. The newest blog for the latest version of my story is about to come out. This one is a lot more to the point and organised. So no crappy stories like the last one. More like a list of what you might expect than paragraphs of what i might put in.

If you want the addy, ask me on msn or leave a note up on the tag board.

Because this blog is going to hold most of the key points that'll make my books what it will be, i can't have wrong people looking at it. Or the general public for that matter.

So yeah. That's it then.

Really. Getting 5 hits a day is... well... yeah.

I had a weird dream last night. Well actually I have weird dreams every night, but this is the first one in a long time that wasn't a nightmare. It started off funny. Like I was trying to escape something. Somehow in the dream I was a fantastic sprinter because I just couldn't stop running most of the time.

Until I got to a slope. Then I ran out of breath. Hmph - typical.

When I sat down to rest beside a fence, an old secondary school mate came and talked to me. It was a crowded location, I think some church just ended it's service and loads of people were coming out. I even saw many relatives of mine among them.

So, I was talking to this old mate and another one comes, this one a new poly mate, and says hi. And so it went - they slowly came in, singularly or in pairs and, soon, there was this whole crowd around me, sitting down with each other and talking about all the times we had - all the things that they'd done with me and me for them.

And when I stood up again I saw the faces of every single one of them. All these people whom I once knew and considered friends, and all these new people I consider good people and nice mates. Not the kind of brotherly love I have for Julius and the dudes, but just friends. People who had no animosity with me and knew I was good inside.

And when I woke up and reflected a little on the dream...
I realized that while my life may not have been the best I surely could have made it be
I've certainly been blessed to have known, and to know, all these great people.

Cheers to all my friends - old, new, and brotherly.

Hmm it's been a while since I wrote up a song, and I have a new one right here.
It's really too bad I never learned music, I'd love to add some to this one.
Inspired by The Script and a friend. Lol, I'm sure you'll see why.

I'm the man who cant be moved
Sittin' here in the corner of my room
Thinkin' 'bout the people around me
Wondering what they're up to
Just dreaming...
Just thinkin alone

Every time I look to the stars
Every time I watch the clouds go by
I cant help but think that maybe
I been sit-in for way
way too long

Standing here under a tall tree
Thinking bout where the waves roll from
Wondering where the shores were once at
Just dreaming
Just thinkin alone

Then I hear a low buzz
Hey that's my phone ringin'
It's a mate and
he's just calling to say
that he's got great deal
that he's going places
and I wish him well

Every time I look to the stars
Every time I watch the clouds go by
I can't help but think that maybe
I been standing still for way
way too long

I push my hands
deep into my pockets
and I walk along this dark street
alone
And i can hear
the wind picking up the leaves
dead they are... and yet they fly

Every time I look to the stars
Every time I watch the clouds go by
I cant help but think that maybe
that maybe
I've been lost for way
way too long

oohh yeah..
wooyeaa

Every time i look at the stars shine
and every time i watch the clouds racing on
I cant help but think
that I been goin' nowhere at all

I'm the man who cant be moved...
I'm the boy who'd like to soar...

Why must some ends exist; why do some beginnings ever start?

Finally 17...

There's a funny feeling in me...

Like something loose just ticked into place...


No... No... Yeah, that's just a fart.

Birthday's in a few...

One has to wonder where 17 years of life ended up at...

Nothing great as I see it. Nothing great. Nothing useful.

Still - another 93 years left to go. Maybe something great'll pop out by then.

Sigh... 17 years of breath, heartbeat, blinking... hair loss and weight gain...

Heart aches and heart breaks... 17 years of bullshit and lies

17 years of pointless dreams worth writing down on paper.

17 years of painful wishing

17 years of standing alone at the end of all roads

Always wishing that someone out there really valued me.

But oh this day belongs to me not.

17 years of toil from my Ma so I could live better everyday

17 years of hard fostered friendships - though so many are lost and gone

17 years of dedicated people who wanted always to see me soar

17 years of regret for never making those visions true.

So cheers to myself.

Here's to 17 years of life. No matter how unsung and unaccomplished it has been.

Here's to 17 years of great tale telling and greater fable jotting

And here's to 17 years. You know the feeling. You're just older. Wiser. Craftier.

Most of us have our own ways of dealing with problems. Some of us choose to use lists or try the trial and error method or even just ignore it completely and assume some kind of solution will manifest itself out of thin air and solve our issues.

I too have my method of... thinking. Make no mistake though, usually I just lay right on back and let things happen. It’s quite fun to simply observe chaos after all. But sometimes I get sucked too deep into the chaos and observing becomes harder. I now need to escape. And this is how I plan my escape routes.

Imagine a game of chess. With all the pieces, and all 64 squares – the average game of chess, on the average wooden board with cheap plastic pieces made to look metallic.

Except that this isn’t your ordinary match of chess. It is one where your pieces have a mind of their own, where white can turn to black in a second and where, sometimes, what logical rules you may so foolishly fathom this game of chess to have, are broken.

Throw in a dice of mathematical probabilities, split second profiling of psychological personalities, calm impulsive bluffs, a dash of unexpected circumstance and you have my game of chess. The game I have used many a time to get my butt out of rather inconvenient quandaries.

How does it work?

Well let’s start off with what the pieces mean to me. All the pawns on the board, black and white, represent the people who are of little consequence. They are the surrounding elements to whatever situation I might be in. Meaning that in my method of calculation, there can be a maximum of 16 bystanders. Assuming that all are strangers, there is a ½ probability that they will side with me, thus 8 on each side.

However we must consider the very unique element of the pawn. And that is its ability to –should I say- morph. Any of those 16 pieces may, in time, join the primary ranks of the game; which brings us to the other 16 pieces we start with – the royal ranks.

The royal ranks represent the people and things that are of, as you may have guessed, consequence. And this means, at the end of it all, I may have 30 people or things directly involved with my situation. Why 30 and not 32? Well, one King represents me or my principal task and, the other, my opposition or problem. Note that as a person, I can wilfully change my role to that of any piece on the board.

So who exactly do the other pieces represent? Well, that truly depends on the people in the situation. And, although it would certainly provide for better explanation, I will not give examples of one. Mainly because I do not wish for those who were once involved to find out how I view and play with them in my mind.

But for now let’s continue. So imagine if we had a time in an open game where a knight is trapped, a bishop stands ready to intercept and in doing so will sacrifice himself but open the way for a rook to attempt a direct assault on the King.

Of course any chess player would already understand that this is all said as though the opponent couldn’t predict such a move. But you will forgive me. It is hard to explain everything and it is also quite pointless to do so at this time. Furthermore, too many things said might allow some smart people to figure out the formula behind my math. If that happens, smarter people still can at any time tackle me at any form of confrontation. Something I really wish to avoid.

As I was - Given the small part of the said situation, what happens next?
Now we get to the interesting part. From here things take on probability. Well actually they’ve had themselves calculated from the start but I didn’t mention that so we’ll say from here.

Imagine if say, I knew that one of the pieces trapping the knight was a person who could easily be influenced or changed. And by attacking another piece beside it, I could instead convert this first piece to side with me.

Using a quick personality profile based on both experience and body language, as well as the over all probability of his disposition to change sides (which can be calculated based on the probability derived by how many times he has changed sides in the past; the first value of a stranger being ½) I could determine if he would join me instead.

Of course the problem here is that my attacking piece and other pieces could also change sides when I make this move. So before doing this, I’ll have to calculate all the probabilities for all my current pieces and judge if the overall effect will be of any value.

I do this for every move, 8 (to a maximum of about 22) times over. In other words: 8 such calculations for every piece still in play on the board.

One more factor gets thrown in before the move is made. And that is the unpredictable side of things. These are – Weather, Imposing Emergencies, Change of Predicted Characters, Outside Characters Influencing Pieces, Health and the Environment.

Thus, the result I achieve from the initial calculation is multiplied by an unpredictable factor probability, which is 1/6.

From there, I calculate the final percentage of survivability from each possible move and counter move and use the higher chance of victory to make a path.

Of course, the nice thing about chess is that you can always find someone to outwit you. And, that sometimes even the best calculations can go wrong with just one misstep. So while not 100% accurate, this is my chosen method of thought. Something I developed after learning the game of Chess when I was four.

Why then do I suck at the game in real life?

The same reason why I suck at math: It bores me. The real game does away with everything I put into my thinking process. It can become mechanical and easy and I gain no satisfaction from being good at such things.

That’s of course in my personality. Before I want to do well in anything, it has to bring me some kind of personal satisfaction, which is why I love writing and do my best at it – because that gives me a kind of joy that no other task can. Well, maybe with the exception of reading everything I can.

So now you know what goes on in my head every time I spend those 2 seconds of pause between our words - whether in heated debate or daily tasks.

And when I remain silent for longer periods?

Well, that’s me charting the course for the rest of the world around me.