Anxiety levels going really high.. I think I need help..

self-fulfilling prophecy of the day: I can stay strong..
listening: Anything that blocks out her voice..

I think I know why my cycles have been out of whack lately..

My stress levels are sky high and it's not even due to the workload..
My increased frustration can be categorised under various types:

1) Not respecting you as a working adult, treating you like a child

1. 'Guides' you by sitting beside you to teach you step-by-step
   
2. Makes lists of your to-do items and tells you the order in which to complete them (Given her lack of communication skills, this usually leads to more confusion, then ends up becoming a vicious cycle.. Ref pts 2a & 2c)
   
3. Calls you for discussions every week but spends have the time talking about personal stuff

2) No stable work environment

1. Reluctance to admit mistakes.. (overly defensive)
   
2. Great acting in front of FC (I've seen her tell me one thing, but twist her words subsequently in front of the FC)
   
3. Changes processing criteria at a whim..
   
4. Write instruction to me also write halfway, and whatever's written is seriously untidy

3) Other General issues

1. She has the 'Victim Mentality'
   
2. Extreme Insecurity.. (to the extent of crying when you disagree with her, or when she's worried that you won't 'friend' her)
   
3. Asks questions for the sake of it
   
4. Overly dependent on other day-to-day skills (she has asked me to:
   (i) check the shuttle bus schedules even though I have sent her the link multiple times,
   (ii) help her set up her computer during office move even though she was the one who unplugged her computer herself,
   (iii) asked me to fold a typical carton box for her during office move because 'she-didn't-know-how-to')
   
5. Getting too personal about herself (she even told me the number of times she went to the toilet, and how many of it was solid/liquid)
   
6. mess up my desk and in-tray whenever she wants to pass me stuff (i know this is very minor.. but imagine this on top of the already high levels of anxiety..)
   
7. She's even accused me of raising my voice at her (and crying over it)

I don't usually blog about work, mostly because I feel heavy workloads have never worried me.. but this? this is just testing my sanity.. I honestly need an outlet before Hubby gets sick of my rants, or before I need official help..

Hormones out of control?

self-fulfilling prophecy of the day:
mp3's theme of the day:
listening:
thinking: Am I pregnant? Or just hormonal (and thinking too much)?

I am late.. Or rather, my Aunt Flo is late..

And strangely, I have been experiencing PMS-like symptoms that can also be interpreted as pregnancy symptoms..
I have absolutely no idea if:
- the symptoms arose from stress, and got worse over me stressing whether I am pregnant, or
- the symptoms are honestly increasing in intensity, or
- I am simply hallucinating

What I have experienced so far:

Late Period: I have just stopped birth control pills 2 months ago.. so my cycles could still be wacky and not back to my regular 34-day cycles yet.. had I been pregnant under a normal cycle, I would have tested positive on HPT (Home Pregnant Test) by now.. Or, at least started my menses by now.. but till now, zilch..

Mood Swings: I usually do experience some increased form of irritability during PMS, but this usually lasts for a week.. and my AF will come in 7 days.. but it's been 2 weeks by now.. zzz

Bloating: Again, I usually have a bit of water retention/bloating as a PMS symptom.. but now I get so much gas.. way too much even during stressful times.. which is the part that doesn't make sense the most..

Tiredness/Fatigue: I am a pig.. symptom or not, I am always sleepy..

Shortness of Breath:: as above.. but i did notice a slight difference these 2 weeks when i had to climb the overhead bridge on the way to work.. this came without my usual sinus problem..

Nausea: I read that some people have this as a PMS symptom.. but NOT ME!! somemore increasing in intensity over the past 5 days???
oh well, maybe am i just psychologically will-ing myself to have this symptom? like you know, match my symptoms with WebMD and the like?

What I have NOT experienced so far:

Aunt Flo

Positive HPT

So what is this?!?!?!

Written on 14/11/17 at 4.30pm before I worry myself sick

Tested HPT on:

09/11/17 night - BFN

11/11/17 FMU - BFN

14/11/17 FMU - BFN

17/11/17 FMU - BFN

*****

If I don't get my mense by this Sat (18/11/17), I'm testing again..
And if that's still negative, I'm just late and hormonal..

I went to the doctor's and asked for a blood test.

I knew the (low) possibility of getting pregnant while using protection, but the fact that I am <b>That Late </b> is actually really worrying..

I mean.. Day 47 and still no AF?

I just needed some kind of closure I guess..

Which I have received.. blood tests came back negative..

So I'm ok to just wait for AF..

Somehow I'm calmer than I thought I'd be..

self-fulfilling prophecy of the day: I can do it. I can do it.
music player's theme of the day: The Piano Guys
listening: 'Indiana Jones Rocks Petra with this Arabian Classical Remix!'

Since the last update, I have:

Started working at yet another new company

What would you do?

self-fulfilling prophecy of the day: I will not OT tonight..
Spotify's theme of the day: Peaceful Piano
listening: "Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence" by Ryuichi Sakamoto (Piano)
thinking: of the thoughts below..

It’s been so long..

I have not been able to update because my new job has me sitting strategically in front of a big shot.. So there’s no longer any chance for me to draft my thoughts throughout the day like I used to..
But so many things have happened that I think I can’t keep bottling up my thoughts any further..

Since the last update, I have:

• Started working at a new company
• Made my relationship public
• Gotten married
• Gone overseas with my family for the first time in 12 years
• Bought a resale flat
• Start dating
  

The above was listed in chronological order. Not kidding. And that weird-ded out timeline is the least of my concerns. Even though it is somewhat related to my major concern now. Not so much concern actually. More like grievance. Let's start by asking my dear readers a couple of questions! What would you do if:

1. you are accused of doing something you didn't.
   
2. you are accused of being someone you are not.
   
3. ... ... ...
   

No wait.. This is harder to articulate than I thought..
Give me a sec..
...
...
...

• What if you are treated like the evil antagonist on Taiwanese dramas who break up people's families and rob them of their fortune?
  
• What if these perceptions of you only came from one side and appear true because people didn't bother to ask you for your side of the story?
  
• What if so many lies have been spun about you that you know it is hardly useful to explain yourself clearly to those who have already been brainwashed?
  
• What if those who claim to be hurt in the process are actually the ones spinning those lies about you?
  
• What if those hurting you are busy putting so many words in your mouth, not giving you any opportunity to speak for yourself?
  
• What if whether or not you try to speak up, more and more lies are spun about you?
  
• What if those spinning lies about you only mention to others how much good they did to you, but fail to mention ANY niceties you did to them in return?
  
• What if you have to convince yourself that 'Time will tell' but yet have to be the one to endure the glares and stares and hatred from others even though you are the real victim?
  
• What if you are resisting the urge to argue until things get way uglier than it already is, but the other party is just happily using your delayed response to attack you even further? They are the ones making the situation ugly on their own.
  
• What if you start questioning yourself on why you even bother enduring the nastiness from everyone?
  
• 为什么恶人可以当道？为什么恶人就可以为所欲为？
  
• 为什么装可怜就真的有人蜂拥而上，要去可怜那些装可怜的人？而在等待真相大白的你却只能独自忍受被所有人排挤的痛？
  
• 难道没有当众表现得处处可怜，就等于你是那个坏人吗？

So many 'What if's,
Only one emotion.

was re-reading the previous post..

coz i wrote it with my phone,
whilst lying on my bed..
with my eyes half-closed..

found a lot of incoherence..

but i can't be bothered to edit them..

*****

my actual intention to blog today was to bitch/rant..

i mean..

I really can't stand so much of it that just the mere thought of it annoys me..
In fact, it annoys me so much that i just start fuming when i think about it.. and i will end up too angry to word my thoughts decently..

*****

You're so fake.. it irks me..