Grooves

3-years can leave such a lasting impression on you. It's been a month since my new job (and I'm eagerly awaiting the next paycheque already!), the old habits from the old job still lingers around. Having working hours that are too flexible can be quite hard to adjust back into the corporate world groove. Well, for me it's still a new experience for me. Coming from small agencies (and at one point, medium) I had always wondered how life would be like in a bigger setting. I've always picture it to be like college or university again except that you get paid to show up and do stuff. Now that I'm in one, it does have that certain similarity to it. For instance:

- You'll never get to know everyone.

- And the ones that you do know, you only remember their names. And maybe some basic background information.

- You have the popular 'kids'. 

Like point #2, of course they are categories of social circles within the office. I've yet to find mine. The 'new guy' tag is starting to loosen up. Eventually I will need to find my groove. 

Now the true experience starts.
 

Come And Go

He has moved on after a battle which he had fought on for 2-years. Never really got to know him, but death is always something that shocks you. No matter how many times you have gone thru it; death, when it happens, will always have you look back into your own life and wondered if you should be doing better, work harder, love more and hate less.

The Hard Way

I'm still struggling to sleep early. This is what advertising does to you, "I have a cousin who was in advertising," my new colleague said to me, "She lasted a year and decided to leave the industry for good," stating that one of the key factors was the gruesome hours that has become a staple in the industry. To his disbelief, I told him I was in it for 6-years before deciding to take a indefinite hiatus away from it, "Wah, 6 years?! Quite hardcore, huh?"

Indefinite hiatus is how I would coin it. Despite all the terrible and excruciating bits of it - the hours, the clients - I still have a soft spot for it. Truth be told, I did enjoy my 6-years in advertising. Sadly, leaving it was largely due to the external forces that came with it. Maybe it's just my luck, maybe it is like this but I have had enough with 2-faced people I've come across throughout my time. All the years spent and I have nothing to show for it. Empty bank accounts, enemies amassed and huge sacrifices. I keep waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel to shine, but it never came.

So I packed it in and headed elsewhere and out of the industry. It's strange how all that has lead to me coming here. Industrial design had been my first choice when I was a student. Sadly, such courses costs quite a fair bit and it was in the city, which made it even more costly for my parents to bear. In the end, I had to settle for second best; Graphic/multimedia design. I guess everything does happen for a reason and now I have somehow made my way back to where it should have begun. 

Call it; doing it the hard way.

Sailing Thru Turbulant Waters on the 23rd Floor

So, here I am. Seated on the 23rd floor with a desk by the window, or glass wall. Every now and then I’ll peer into the horizon, trying to use my imaginary x-ray vision to see thru the thick fog that surrounds KL and onto the distance. Sometimes it works, sometimes I feel as if I can see pass obstacles set before my eyes, like how sometimes I can see thru a girl’s dress and say, “She’s obviously wearing a thong,” or something like that. But then again, that’s probably her provocative dress. Oh, that sweet piece of ass. I’d make a sleazy Superman if I was ever one. Supersleaze I’d call myself. Abusing my power to satisfy my curious, naughty eyes. Sometimes, I can’t see pass anything and start to obsessed about the building that is under-construction in front of me. Would I see any bangla or Indon fellas falling to their death while painting the walls on the scaffolding? I’m sidetracking.

It’s been 7-days since I jumped from a small raft (or sampan, if I were to localize it) onto an international cruise ship in an attempt to steer myself from these turbulent waters to calmer, warmer waters. Or at least be more comfortable in these unpredictable waters. Maybe eventually finding land where I can finally stop and reap the rewards of my efforts. But that is still a long way to go. Sure wished it wasn’t that hard though. A full week (working days) into my new life, new career path I’m still not entirely certain where am I headed to or end up, what I do know is, I’m in a place where I’m presented with opportunities. I guess that’s what we all want in life, isn’t it? Chances. Opportunities.

The first 3-days were obviously the toughest. Not necessarily a good idea to have your first day of work on the eve of your birthday especially if your birthday falls on a weekday. Essentially, my first day was a blur. Coming from advertising, I’m used to sleeping late. Perhaps a little bit too used to it. Naturally, sleeping early was next to impossible. And impossible it was. I had only 3-hours of sleep as my alarm rang at 7am. But nothing beats the second day. I was at work, attending my orientation course whilst hung over. On the bright side, it distracted me from being overly nervous or anxious, so I made a huge impression with the senior executives who were conducting the courses.

7-days in, I still can barely remember 50% of my new colleagues name (doesn’t help that we have 300+ employees here and another god-knows-how-many in the manufacturing plant), so I go by nicknames, like; guy with huge belly, Mohawk dude, the Mac guy, the Indian contingent, fellow new comer-girl and so on. I’ve always been terrible with names. Maybe this is the universe’s way to force me to at least TRY harder in remember names.

Peering into the horizon again, I noticed dark clouds are gathering. Half the floor is empty. We do have quite flexible working hours, but then again, it’s Ramadhan, so this view may be a wee bit distorted. I think I should pack my bags and head off to battle the unforgiving KL traffic.

Laters.

The Return of Blogging

At long last – after months and months of procrastination (or just lack of motivation or reason) to revamp/update the site – it is done!

About bloody time I’d say. But who blogs anymore these days? The world has changed so much since I wrote my first entry towards the end of my internship with KLUE magazine. Camera-phone were painfully mediocre, iPods had no colour screen and could only hold no more than 20 albums, 3G was a dream and well Streamyx was still the best thing that had ever happened in our lives. That was in 2004.

Fast-forward 7-years later, 2011; iPhones (or any other smart phones for that matter) are now a standard issue requirement, nobody buys mobile phones anymore. We shoot videos with our phones in HD, we have fibre optic internet and iPods can hold your entire lifetime collection of albums.

Not to mention to rapid emergence of Facebook (which subsequently killed Friendster), Twitter and heaps of other “social-networking” sites which contributed to the demise of blogs. Or did it? I’m not saying blogs are making a comeback, on the contrary, I believe blogs were never really killed off but rather, it took a back seat. Sure, it can’t compete with the speed and functionality that social networking sites can provide. It survived for one reason; it’s old-school.

Much like iPads and the introduction of iBooks - real, printed books will never truly die.

So, here’s to the second or third coming. Blogs are not making comeback, because they were never really outdated to begin with, in retrospect, it is me that is making a comeback!

Slow Thursday

It makes you wonder doesn't it? When someone you've known all your life is making breakthroughs in their life. It gets you thinking, "What the hell have I achieved with MY life?"

It's so shallow yet so profound. It's stupid to constantly compare yourself with other people, but then again if they are in your generation, it makes you wonder if you could have done any better yourself. Doesn't it?

Not that long ago it seems we were just kids playing outside on our pathetic piece of garden outside of our house. She was the only friend I had which was my age. We were close. For a awhile. But as we grew older, we grew apart as well. I do miss the old days. I reminisce now and then.

It's funny how she is now entering a new phase in life. And I still feel I'm stucked on my end. It must be that syndrome. The one where when you see your friends making that big step, you start questioning yourself. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

I'll be preparing for a fashion show during the weekend. Free cocktails! Can't say no to that. Though the Man Utd game is on. Tough decision to make...

Oh by the way, I totally typed this entire entry on my iPhone. It's way intense. Would have still preferred doing this on a computer.

Progressing

It's a tough pill to swallow, but the whole Haloscan huu-haa has caught up with me. I've lost all my comments since 2004. 6-years worth of comments flushed out just like that. Though I manage to back it up, but I don't think I am quite game to manually restore 6-years worth of comments entry-by-entry.

So to heck with it. And since I've royally fucked up in the process removing Haloscan and restoring Blogger's comment, I reckon it's time I update my template.

Having said that, I foresee this would take a long, long time before the transition is made.

Well, here's to something new, soon.

Untimely Departure

Last Friday, 3 words came creeping into my phone late into the evening, delivering a message so brief yet so poignant.

Due to post-op complications, her dad has passed on. At just 55.

I was well blown away with it. It sent a reverberating chill thru my veins. I did not know how to process this information. My hands quivered. I dropped by phone onto my desk and took a moment to myself. My mind went blank. Just blank. Not a thought, no brain wave activity whatsoever.

I summoned up enough energy and composure to draw a cigarette from my pack, stuff a lighter into my pocket and stood up with my phone. As I got ready to leave the office to call her, “I’ll be back in a minute,” I told JM and MS. But all they heard was nothing more than a hasty mumble. They thought I left something in the car or someone was downstairs to pass me something.

At the stairs, I lit my cigarette and took a huge breath and proceeded to dial her number. My thoughts, nonexistent. The voice lady told me her number was unreachable. I dialed again. Same thing. So I dialed, again, and again. But to no avail. Yet again, I wouldn’t be too surprised that she had turned off her phone. As it stands, it’s already too much for her to handle. The only man in the family has departed, leaving the girls behind. She needs to stay strong for her sis and mum. The last thing she needs right now is to break down and cry, even though she is on the brink of a severe emotional collapse. She put on a brave face.

I texted her.

It was almost instantaneous that I started making plans to go back to Penang to be with her. As soon as thoughts started rushing back into my head, I know I needed to go back. For all the time we’ve spent together, albeit has been brief and still in its early stages, I would have been a snake in the grass if I hadn’t. But I needed to see her, I really do. She was supposed to be here in KL with me this weekend. But the weekend has taken an unfortunate sharp left turn.

I left for Penang on Saturday morning, MS got in to the car with me as he already had previously planned to go back Penang for some work-related reason, “Kanneh, even during week days we don’t get up THIS early,” he points out the obvious.

I nodded and couldn’t agree more, “Ideally, I would have love to leave yesterday, but I do not know where she lives!”

In Penang, I tumpang James’ car. His wife followed us as well. We all know her. About an hour later, we arrived – gosh, I never knew how far it was for her to come see me in the island – and proceeded to park the car. We made our way to her house, where the wake was held. She was in prayers, with her family and relatives. I stood there, clasp my hands together and paid my respect to the deceased. Minutes passed, felt like hours sometimes, we were hanging out on one of the tables they have set up for us. I was with James, his wife and a bunch of her colleagues from work. The group was suddenly silenced in mid-conversation, perplexed, I noticed everyone’s eye was zooming pass my shoulders. I looked back.

There she was, standing almost directly behind me, her hands covering her mouth. We made eye contact and she let lose. All those pent up emotions came gushing out. My heart felt a little crushed seeing her in such despair. I know whatever I say or do would barely help to ease this pain of colossal proportion. I held her and told her that everything will be okay. That it’s okay to feel this way. Let it out; just let it all out now. She spoke of her regrets and that that were still so many things they were supposed to accomplish together. She had already had done the best she could, no one could have foreseen his untimely departure, I told her. His departure doesn’t mean you still can’t go ahead with it and complete it. Just that, you have to do it without him but you will be doing it for him. I try to comfort her.

For the first time since her dad’s departure, I’m quite sure I saw a smile sneaked up on her face as she sat next to me and looked at me, “When you said, ‘see you soon’, I didn’t expect I’d see you this soon,” she whispers, “I thought you’d be attending your friend’s show tonight in KL,” she refers to Dasha’s show at NBT on Saturday night.

“I needed to see you. I can’t possibly stay back in KL and have a good time and getting drunk whilst you are here in so much pain,” I told her, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,”

Our encounter was short and brief. She led me and the rest of us to pay our last respects to her dad, “Your dad is a very handsome man,” I told her, “I can see he was a loving father,”

“He would’ve liked you too,” she tells me before she head back for her prayers. It was gonna go on the whole night. If my memory serves me right.

I tiptoed my way back to where she was and whispered to her that I gotta go now. I told her to stay strong, keep her head up and that it’ll be alright. She nods her head and this time, I am sure I saw her smile. That made me smile. But I had to contain myself, didn’t want to walk out of there like a beaming idiot.

We had supper around her area before we head back to the island, and my god was she right when she told me about the food around her area few weeks back. The food there is…well, I guess that’s a story for another entry. But all I can say now is this; I’ve tasted the other side of Penang now. And I am truly satisfied.

I hope we’ll meet again real soon. My deepest condolences to her and her family.

Life And The Constant Curveballs It Throws At You

As yet another hectic week draws its shutter close, I sit on the office sofa puffing away a cloud of smoke in a sense of some sort of relief yet distress. A lot of has happened since the last 2 days (which was 2-weeks ago) I spent in Penang during my weeklong exodus from this unrelenting city. Of course, the one-week I spent in Penang was nothing short of sheer bliss. Best week I had in Penang since…well, ever. It made me feel like an 18 year old once more. With an unlimited source of energy and enthusiasm, I broke boundaries and smashed all principals that I have limit myself in the past. It has made me think, “What have I been missing out? Why did I caged myself in my own cocoon of social pretense?”

I do not remember why.

I’m seeing someone now. As much as it is uncanny for me to say this, but I am. And I am pretty damn glad about it. Though between her and me; it’s still in its embryonic stage. People have been asking questions, like are we official yet? Are we dating? Are we an item? I merely ignore the label-bullet constantly bombarded at my direction. Because at this point in time, at this point in my life, I rather not put a label on it. Maybe I am a tad superstitious, or maybe there isn’t a label for this thing we’re having right now. I just don’t see the point in putting a tag on it. What’s the rush? Why succumb to society’s unrelenting need to have things done fast and rush off to the next chapter and then progress hastily to the next? Whatever happened to good old…fun? Have we all lost that sense of joy? The simplest of pleasures in life in my opinion is having fun. It may cost you your life’s savings, or it may cost you nothing at all. In the end, it’s what you make of it. Because as of now, we’re just having lots of fun when we’re together. I am discovering her whilst she discovers me.

We met at a very strange point in my life. I may or may not be ready for it, but when I look back at the things I’ve accomplished or lack there of, I realized, well, life’s has always been throwing its curveballs at me especially at testing times. I am going through one right now. This time, I decided to take the game on and embrace it. I am slowly approaching the imminent age of 30. I feel it’s time I stop limiting myself to what life has to offer to me. I have spent my entire life contemplating on too many things. Sometimes, you just need to just get on with it.

And I think I am slowly making more effort to make that change.

There's Always A First For Everything, Again

This is the classic reason why blogging has become such a chore. Twitter hasn’t helped one bit. Back in the day, I would save up all those things I tweet about and blog it. Now, well, I just tweet it. Seems easier. I guess the dreaded city life has crept up on me. Fast this, fast this, instant this, instant that. It’s all about speed and substance isn’t all necessary.

It’s the 9th day of February and New Year’s was so last month. Yet, first time ever since I started blogging, I missed an entire month. Mind blasting if you ask me.

Work has been picking up in breakneck speed, no time to rest on our laurels. One done, the other comes in right away. In fact, nothing to gloat about, there is even a waiting line. What’s depressing on top of all that is that our cash flow isn’t all smooth. Money’s there, and I am not materialistic or short sighted. But it just gets to me sometimes; this whole living from pay-cheque-to-pay-cheque routine isn’t very comforting. Plus, I am at that phase in my life I need to start planning my finances. And I can’t do that when I don’t have the cash physically. Ah, the wonders and risk of running your own business.

2010 has so far been good to me. But already, I’ve made some bad choices and mistakes I wish I hadn’t. Well, at least I like to think that CNY hasn’t started yet, so the whole Tiger year being a good thing to the Boars may not have kicked in, just yet at least. Here’s to hoping. That’s the only thing that’s keeping me afloat these days.

I am finally in a band, well sort of anyway. We’re called The Dance Biscuits. Why the name, well, long story. Something about the ‘80s and Justin Timberlake. However, the music we make is nothing like it. I guess that’s the beauty of it. The name promises nothing. And when nothing is promised, we can please a lot of ears easily and hopefully, effortlessly. Though the thing about such an ensemble is that it’s bloody hard to practice collectively mainly due to our erratic schedules. But then again, I’m hoping.

The new year (the Chinese one) is within grasp. I can hear it’s whispers and it’s gentle, warm and somewhat orangy embrace. I can’t wait for the good times to roll again, at least for a few days to recuperate before the whole vicious cycle starts again. Just earlier today, or should I say yesterday, I had to consider cutting my trip back home short because work is starting to pile up. Coupled by JM’s overdue vacation to London (which I’m so envious of, actually, I envy the Amsterdam bit more than London lol) isn’t gonna help as I would be flying solo for a full week. So. Not. Looking. Forward. To. It. Well, I can only hope it all goes well. For myself, the company and his vacation.

In the midst of all this hu-ha, I think I lost myself a little. Though it was part of the plan, when I moved down to KL 2-years ago. To lose myself, break myself down and rebuild from scratch. What I hate about it is that it’s a heck lot easier to say it and plan it. It’s been a nightmare living through it, I can tell you that. The fear that you might actually never find myself, that I’ve gotten in so deep, I lost all my bearings and direction. But there’s always one thing I’ll keep close to me.

Hope.

And my highlight of the day is this entry. First for 2010. I hope this would release the floodgates. Laters.