Wednesday, February 25, 2009
/10:16 pmGoodbye!
I've switched to wordpress recently. Ask me for the address :)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
/11:07 pmDo you know that one can get tired of university after 2 years? At least I did. By the start of the third year I started feeling demoralised and uncertain of my own capabilities. By the end of the third year I was certain that I had lost half of my intelligence. My ever-declining CAP did not help much to affirm my self worth. And for the first half of this semester, I felt that I should have just graduated and forget about doing honours, nevermind that it is not possible since I did not clear some modules.
Of course, after today's exam, I am sure that my intelligence has halved since last semester. I have been so worn out thinking about grades (and keeping them up), whether I should do a thesis or not, ism-ing and attempting to find a job.
But I think something has changed.
Somewhere during my third year I fell into a very negative state of mind. Everything was bad, nothing could go right, and to make myself feel better I would indulge in a bout of spending by shopping and buying almost everything I wanted. In this vicious cycle I alienated people, saw my grades fall, which of course made me feel worse and indulge in wanton materialism. I ended up with a pile of unworn clothes in my cupboard and the multitude of shoes stacked up by the shelf, but still a very empty heart. I was frustrated with a fair bit of things, but most of all, at myself. Why am I not clever enough? Why am I not pretty enough? Why can't I be more vocal? Why can't I be more understanding?
Then, in the middle of this semester, I went to HK. I feel that my life has been divided into pre-trip and post-trip phases. The best thing that happened there was that someone told me that what's most important is a) your life, b) your sanity, and nothing else really matters aside from that. The second best thing was that I managed to see through a fair bit of human relationships. Friendships are very transient objects. We come together in times of need and fall apart in others. I came back frustrated and angry, but eventually I came to the realisation that one should not pay heed to what others say (especially if they typically don't have anything nice to say).
So where does that leave me now? I've been taking things step by step and letting the problems resolve themselves (or trying to solve them one at a time) when they come. I try not to expect too much. I try to stay calm in the face of frustration. I'm learning to let go. And I find happiness in little things, like playing with the cat every night.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
/12:08 amIt's been 3.5 years and until today I can still remember how painful it was to receive that rejection. I know there will be a lot of people who will be disappointed in me, but until now, I still can't forget and I still can't let go. It will always haunt me when I think of what could have been.
I think it would be the same again.
Monday, August 25, 2008
/12:11 amWhen down, I usually don't take note of what I eat. This has obviously taken a toll on me, as can be seen from my expanding girth. It's quite sad that I'm outgrowing some of my clothes, even sadder when you consider that some of these were once loose on me.
Dearest friends! Reminds me to watch what I eat!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
/12:51 amA friend said that I am very calm in the face of all the fourth year difficult modules and ISMs and CBMs and thesis etc.
It's only an appearance. I don't want to react in front of anybody. I don't want to tell anyone how I feel and why I feel like that.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
CSCO Concert 2008 /10:34 amYesterday's concert was exciting. Midway through page 1 of the third movement of yunnan, the conductor baton spiralled out of the hands of our conductor, and landed somewhere in the triangle between cello, yangqin and conductor. I actually thought the hands were more interesting to watch and easier to follow than the baton.
We were supposed to arrive at the CC at 8.30am. As usual, my alarm failed to rouse me, and Jiajing had to call my home to get my sister to wake me. So, I was late, arriving slightly before 9. My tuner's 9-volt battery was dead because I forgot to turn it off after one tuning session, so I walked around AMK trying to find a shop selling batteries. It was futile since shops only open at 11am and 7-11 only sold Energizer, which I avoid using for tuners. Fortunately Jiajing managed to find a spare battery in the scores drawer, so I took it (and now have to buy one to replace it). It was heartening to see a full busload of people going down to Esplanade with us, instead of the sad core group over the past few concerts. It certainly made moving the instruments much easier. I barely got to move my yangqin at all.
The usual business of changing and tuning took place upon arrival. My qin was surprisingly easy to tune. It was unfortunately a bad omen since my qin went out of tune the moment rehearsal started. I could almost feel the guzheng player (Johnny) wincing when I played the pentatonic scale parts. And no amount of tuning could save it, since it started to go out of tune when the concert started and became increasingly out of tune as the concert progressed. Sigh, what to do? I thought some parts of the rehearsal were better than the concert, especially for Yunnan. At least I was more focused during the rehearsal.
I met Laiweng during the dinner break to pass her the pipa books I bought for her in China. She brought donuts for TBY! Very delicious ones too. Jiajing, Xiaoting, Xiuhua and I attacked them before the concert and during interval. We were in fact still eating when the PA announcer told us to stand by for second half and I scrambled to the toilet to wash my hands. I wonder who took them back though, since the box disappeared after the concert.
For the second year, Johnny and I had the opportunity to play together, thanks to the 'privilege' of playing the kong hou parts. To our credit, we think we redeemed ourselves over the extremely messy guzheng/yangqin part in 夏 last year. For most part, I think we (the orchestra that is) did well given the difficulty of the pieces and relatively the short amount of time we had. The concerto soloists were fantastic, although there were times (I think) that the mic has problems.The most credit has to go to the committee, often forgotten because a lot of people don't see all the effort that has been going on in the background. How many people know of the phone calls and multiple emails we send almost everyday on namelists, logistics, costumes and everything else? But without all these, the concert probably couldn't run at all yesterday.
This also marks one of my few concerts being 'on my own', with xinyu away on SEP (and apparently having a great time in Korea so far). To be honest, it was a very trying experience. At times I wonder if I should have asked for a second yangqin. Would it have been better being alone? But it has also made me realise that I am far less patient now than I was five, six years ago. Maybe I too need to learn to be tolerant.
Monday, July 21, 2008
/12:14 amHsinghai's concert last Sunday was a remarkable one. Aside from the fact that I was pulled in at the last minute with only 2 practices before the actual day, I must say that the orchestra seems to be in a much better state than I recall it to be. I totally enjoyed the pieces which dizi maestro Li Zhen played. It was definitely a concert worth watching, but sadly not many people thought so.
And of course, NYCO concert on friday was just great. I loved all the items that featured yqp (ie, the western and chinese percussion items, and tai yang!). The 1st Erhu Rhapsody was good too. The soloist was good in her bowing and control - very smooth with no edges. Most of the pieces were a commendable effort. It could have been better (of course), but while remembering that this is ultimately a secondary school orchestra, what they have done was already impressive. I would have like to see/hear more emotion and depth, but that's probably asking for too much. Especially when you consider than 5 concerts ago, the most difficult song this orchestra played was 难忘的泼水节.
And on the topic of concerts, the EVCO one (called Fire) is coming up on 16th August, 7.30 at Esplanade Concert Hall. It features the zhong ruan, pipa, erhu prominantly. If you happen to be free, do come and watch!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
/1:40 amI would eventually blog about nyco's concert, but there's something else.
One of my juniors, CF, sported a bald head in the concert today. From the principal YQ seat to the timpani, to lead drummer, she was extremely noticable for most of the concert. She did it as part of Hair for Hope. I really respect the kind of person that she is - decisive, firm in her beliefs, and determined. This shows not only from making the decision to participate in it, or shaving bald barely before the concert, but from all the other interactions I've had with her as well. Xy and I think that she will go far in life.
Read her here : http://chewy-fei.livejournal.com/
I'm glad the MC made a point to comment on her (lack of) hair after the last percussion item, and I'm very touched by the resounding applause the audience gave her. I'm glad YQP has someone like her, because she is someone that all the juniors can learn from.
And of course her skills and taifeng and absolute suave-ness on stage just blew us away. With her white shirt half tucked into her pants when she came on stage, she exuded a kind of manly confidence I would associate with the typical percussionist. I don't think we've had such a shuai percussionist in 10 batches already. (XY was absolutely infatuated. I wonder what her boyfriend has to say to that)
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
/8:47 pmWith the official internship end date drawing near this friday, I've decided not to extended despite my earlier considerations. I should get down to my ISM, and the guangzhou trip got pushed forward by one week, and I probably wouldn't get to see anymore projects to completion (as my supervisor says).
The internship has had its trying moments, like the insanely-tedious-to-aggregate-IO tables. But most of it has been fun and challenging. I was quite down in the fourth week, following ruixiang's accident, but I've picked myself up since then. I loved the oil rig visit on the fifth weekend(oh how I wish I brought a camera), and I can differentiate a jack-up from a semi-sub. I've trawled through more annual reports that I'd like to count, puzzled over strange looking trends, and become very very familiar with factiva. The work is very engaging and real, and I've been using my brains quite a fair bit.
And yes, I would like to work there (if they would want me). I would probably have to re-sort my priorities. I realise I am still adopting a belief system that is rather old, and not in line with what I would like my life to be. It's probably time for another talk with JJ. At times it feels as though we're still thinking of things in the same way we dreamt of when we were 14 and 15 and in a new relationship.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
/9:38 pmPlease help me. The uncontrollable fits of crying are starting again.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
views on evco /12:17 am最近，静山乐团失去了一位团员。这件事令不少团员再次相聚，Facebook 上也有许多旧照片浮现。看着我们年轻时的情景令团内与曾经在团内的许多人开始想起在静山的时光。
我在大约六年前参加这个乐团。那时候因为旧青年华乐团已停止排练，我就叫了佳劲带我到静山。当时，我只不过是团内的第三个扬琴团员。我与大多数的团员不一样，因为我不曾经是郑老师或吴老师或其他老师的学生，但是一直以来都对这个乐团有蛮深的归宿感。无论自己多忙，都尽力参加每一个演出，每一个活动。无论来排练的人多少，都尽力的出席每一个排练。（连当国大华乐团副团长时也没有这么卖命的出席国大的排练） 对我而言， 2002 的泼水节演出是这六年内最好的一场，也令我有非常深刻的影响。2002赢了全国比赛时，我也因为是乐团的一份子而感到骄傲。
在这几年内，我当过组长，乐谱管理及秘书，看到了乐团的起起落落。排练地点从宏茂桥搬到芽笼地区的会馆再搬回宏茂桥的期间，乐团似乎失去当年的凝聚力。有不少老团员因为工作繁忙而离开了，也来了不少从学校来的新团员。在2004和 2006时因为比赛的规则而决定不参加比赛。演出节目变得越来越精彩，但对音乐的细腻及敏感也开始消失了。每年一度的音乐营在前两年因为得不到场地而暂停了。有时听说老师想放弃这个乐团，心里就感到非常伤心。去年年底，我还记得整个弹拨乐只剩三个人 - 两个扬琴，一个柳琴 - 场面令人心酸。
我曾自问为什么不离开这个乐团。答案是因为我不舍得。我也不知道究竟有什么令我这么不舍得。可能是因为乐团陪伴了我走过中学、初院和大学的日子。星期天如果不去排练就觉有点奇怪。
对于这个乐团，我还有一些梦想。希望八月的演出是乐团新的开始，也希望演出成功。希望离开的团员能够再次回来重新找回当年对音乐的热忱。希望年底比赛时，乐团能取得好成绩。希望我能挽留对乐团美好的回忆。
（第一次以中文写了一个 blog entry，其实也蛮不容易。我的身边摆着一本词典，而且现在时间已经是01：45！原来花了一个半小时写了这一些，可见我的华文程度并不是很好！但是若要用英语写，却表达不了心中的感触。）
[change the encoding to unicode if this entry comes out as weird symbols]
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
/11:15 pmI haven't been focusing at work these few days, nevermind that today was a field trip more than work. I've been tired and worn out and all that you see is just the physical shell that manages to haul herself into the office. I'm feeling sad, given all that has happened, and I start to wonder where may I turn to for comfort.
(I must make a disclaimer that it is not due to any notion that my internship is boring or mundate that I am feeling this way. It is just that things have happened to people around me.)
Monday, June 16, 2008
/10:52 pmThe moment I received the news kept replaying in my mind.
I thought it was just an ordinary call about the scores, so I excused myself from nusco practice and called him back. He sounded muffled, but I didn't think he was crying. Perhaps it was the reception, and the noise at cfa, I thought. And he said 'I have bad news', and all along I was still thinking that something happened with the scores. Maybe it wasn't photocopied in time, or maybe we couldn't make the loan to nyco after all, or something along those lines.
And then the news hit me, out of the blue. I remembered thinking that it couldn't be true. How could another thing like this happen twice in 5 months? How could it happen to someone whom I was chatting to one week ago while making our way from the guild house to the central library bus stop? I went back into practice in shock to tell jj the news.
It's been almost 6 years that I have joined evco, and he has always been there, every concert, every camp, every event, working and contributing, through all the ups and downs. I may not have known him very well, but I have my impressions and my memories. While scrolling through his blog, I chanced upon a picture of him and david, and there was this ache in my heart thinking of two young people who have left us suddenly and unexpectedly in a span of 5 months.
http://echoesco.blogspot.com/
Thursday, June 05, 2008
/10:56 pmI managed to catch the hcco concert on Sunday, and 大地回春 was impressive, almost how it sounded like during syf last year. The concertos were disappointing, and so were the sectional items. Disappointing in the sense that I had expected much better, but it was a moment of a realisation that at this level, being amateurs, there is just so much we have yet to grasp and acheive yet. (And that I should not get demoralised when my teacher scolds me again in future).
The internship has been keeping me busy, so I spent whatever time I have left at home on the present, and (re)watching criminal minds and csi to unwind. I can't help nodding off sometimes, especially after lunch, so I turn to the food pile on the table behind me to keep awake. The radio is my trusty companion at work and interestingly 924 and 883 are extremely clear channels in the building, while 933 is totally muffled. I'm going to be left to my devices to get to work on time next week when my dad and sis leave for their holiday to Xiamen.
To be honest I feel absolutely rotten while I was heading to work today. Maybe it was the argument with my dad in the morning that led me to walk to work from Chinatown, or that last night my results finally came to haunt me. It's all back to the same old story. I hope weez comes back soon as I need to talk to someone who can understand.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
/6:02 pmToday's outing with xy started with a meal at Sho-U. I loved the starters with fried lotus root slices, though some parts of the meal were very oily. It was surprisingly filling, as we thought we would have room for desert immediately after that, but this was not to be so.
Then we started on a trek around the city area of Singapore. First from Central at Clarke Quay, we made our way to the City Hall area, and then later to Bugis Junction (where I had to stop by ness and gg5), with a slight detour to Liang Seah Street to have desert. I must admit that the 杨枝甘露 wasn't very good and overpriced. And we moved off to the Dhoby Ghuat area, walking through peace centre, before heading all the way to down to Orchard and taking the MRT back. It was a hot day to be walking around Singapore like that, but thankfully I wasn't wearing 3 inch heels.
I'd really really miss her when she's off to Korea for SEP, for so many months! I won't even get to see her during practice, and there's this whole problem of finding another yq player now.