When is enough - enough?

I am one of the lucky infertiles who has insurance coverage. A couple of weeks ago, I was able to change providers so that I would continue to have insurance benefits in 2009. Today, I called the new provider to start the pre-certification process. I had a feeling my luck wasn't THAT good to have such awesome coverage continue. My insurance beginning on 1/1/09 will cover only out of network benefits for my new RE. Still, I have some coverage. Just not what we were expecting. Its a let down. Several points are upsetting:

1. The Max Lifetime benefit is $20K. I spent that last year in 6 short cycles - with an in network RE. 5 IUIs, 1 IVF to ER no transfer, and 1 IVF cancelled before retrieval.
2. Out of Network benefits are not covered at the lower, negotiated rate between the insurance co. and the RE - which translates to less time the Max Lifetime Benefit will last.
3. More money out of our pocket - which translates to depleting our savings, having less money to adopt with if we choose that route, fewer times we will be able to afford even trying IVF.

Its not a total loss, as I said, I know I am lucky to have coverage at all. It just begs the question - in true Carey Bradshaw form - When is enough - enough?

At what point do we draw a line in the sand, wave the white flag, throw the towel in - need I go on? How do we decide when we've spent enough time, energy and money on my ovaries with nothing to show for it? When do we decide its better to spend said time, energy and money on adoption? How do I let go of the hope that maybe we'll get pregnant THIS time - albeit 24 cycles into trying for THIS time? Even if, by some act of God, we do get pregnant - how will we be able to sustain the hope that we won't miscarry again? When is it going to be OK for us to just move on, adopt a child who needs loving parents, and get on with being parents? That is the goal in all of this, right? To be parents?

Unfortunately, for me, I have an accounting degree and am a nerd at heart. For me, everything above is not balancing out. $30,000 has not equaled any success for us. What if we had spent that kind of money on an adoption - I think it's safe to believe we'd be much closer to a baby that way. The knowledge I've gained over the past year or more, has not been worth the heartache, depression, anger, or the toll its taken on my relationships with my family and friends.

So, I am seeking your opinion.

When is enough - enough?

Total Shock

So, today I noticed this letter on the counter from my insurance company. I'm looking over it and kinda not understanding what the hell it means. I went online and started reviewing my EOBs (explanation of benefits) and on one it said - You have reached your maximum benefit. This charge is not covered.

WHAT??????

So, I call the insurance company. Apparently, my drugs for IVF cost close to $12,000. Keep in mind that I know a lot of you don't have insurance coverage and that I know I am very blessed to have such awesome insurance. However, I am in total shock that in basically 8 months (not counting the month I was waiting after the miscarriage, waiting to start IVF, etc) I spent more than $20K of the insurance company's money on my body. This doesn't include the amount R and I spent out of pocket.

And we have nothing to show for this outrageous amount of money.

I am baffled.

I am sad.

I keep thinking about that baby that would have been due on December 1st.

I want to scream or hit something (No, Not Weasa for your Steel Magnolia girls).

I know I am lucky to have a company that offers 2 outstanding insurance plans and that my new DR accepts the 2nd one and that I am able to begin working with him and the new insurance in January.

I know I am lucky to have another chance.

I am scared that my second chance won't work.

I am sorry for those of you who face this terrible demon and have to pay for it out of your own pocket.

I am in Total Shock.