I promised I would never complain with pregnancy symptoms and have had to eat my words on many occasions. I don't think I'm really complaining, but R has said that when I think I am "stating" that my back hurts...that it sounds more like a whine or...gasp...complaint. I recently "stated" to my mom that this whole pregnancy thing is somewhat comparable to all of the waiting we suffered through trying to get pregnant. I don't mean it like that...it's much more bearable waiting. It's a nicer wait...I know, with reasonable assurance, that this time next year my little butterbean will be laughing and crawling and melting my heart every chance she gets. This wait is by far, the best wait of my life. BUT....(there's always a but, ya know!), it's like being 5 and waiting on Christmas. It's a slow 40 weeks. I'm ready to see that sweet face...to see if she has R's perfect feet and his more tan complexion, compared to my very rosy complexion. I wonder if she'll have curly hair, brown or blonde, what color her eyes will be, what her fingernails will look like. I can't stand it I want to meet her so badly!
While I am so very impatiently waiting on this perfect little being to enter our life, my good friend is waiting, seemingly more patiently than me, on her first beta after her first IVF. I tried to convince her to make them see her today...but she goes in tomorrow morning. For the most part, I've been successful in blocking out the most miserable of the 2 week waits, but her wait has felt more like my own than I imagined possible. I pray for her and for this to be the only IVF cycle she ever suffers through.
I was searching through some old emails today and stumbled across an email from my first IVF of 2009. I wrote:
Dr K just called us. Our beta came back at 9.1. Apparently, it is only a positive pregnancy test if you level is 10 or higher. I have to go back in on Thursday for another beta test. He said even if it does rise, he will not be comfortable for a while that it will last. He was not encouraging that this will result in a healthy pregnancy or baby.
At this point, w e are devastated and praying for a miracle.Thank you all so much for you love and friendship.
It makes me cry reading it now. It amazes me how far we've traveled in 3 and a half years. Notice I don't say "how far we've come" - it doesn't seem like we actually went anywhere, but took a huge detour that did finally take us to the next step of our lives that we'd been seeking. Instead of going directly straight to that next step, I feel our path was more of a U shaped street that we somehow got lost on and finally made it back to the original road we intended to be on the whole time...only about 1 footstep ahead of where we were detoured to begin with.
While my pregnancy brain typically only allows me to think in bullet points or facebook statuses, this email provoked the old me that I thought I'd been missing. Sorry friends, I'll take bullet points any day over the agony of the journey that led me to these status update thoughts.
My heart will always know the agony of IF...and I know I will have days that take me back to the nightmare that was our life for 3 years for the rest of my life. Today, I'll relish the fact that we did finally make it that one step that took 30 months.
This is the first time, since discovering our wait had a due date, that I've felt like my blog was still viable. I've really struggled with not having much to say and feeling that what I did have to say was no longer relevant. I welcome these thoughtful days, but I'm really looking forward to staying in my bullet point/facebook status brain for the next several months.
