Ever have one of those days? Ugh...I am having one today. I'll probably cry myself to sleep and feel better tomorrow. I am hoping I can just "blog it out" and fore go the crying...puffy eyes aren't so hot.
I've been reading some inspiring posts tonight. Some that really bring back the trauma of the years gone by. 26 months ago, I went to my DR (not Archie - another guy in his group, though...who I'm hoping is NOT on call on D-Day). I told him that something was wrong with me. That I'd been off the pill for 6 months and I wasn't ovulating and by-gawd, I wasn't pregnant. He told me that I was young and healthy. "Go home and have sex." Not kidding. I managed to keep the tears in until I got to my car. Seriously, I'm a little overly dramatic at times, but come on, dude. You didn't even prick my finger. How do you know I'm fine? Unfortunately, I took his word for it. I finally went back and saw Archie 3 months or so later. And the IF ride really began. I count the first year as part of our IF journey. It was during those first 12 months where I learned to listen to my body...and began crying each month with heartache and began the painful learning process that you must take your medical care into your own hands. Maybe I shouldn't count our IF journey until our first round of Clo.mid (aka - The Devil) that October of 2007. Whichever way you want to slice it...
We were so green. I was just sure the Devil would be our fix. I cried when I made that first RE consultation appointment.
Then, I was so full of hope and was JUST CERTAIN that IUI would do the trick.
March 2008 we learned that God-forsaken phrase - "Chemical Pregnancy." That term should be permanently removed from the English language. And, all other languages for that matter.
Not so green anymore. But, still, looking back...man, we were still really naive. We were so trusting. We believed every bit of smoke they blew our way.
I had a mini-breakdown when they told us that IVF would have to be the answer. Could they really be telling us that???
IVF #1 was disgusting. The DR flipped her skinny hand with that 3-karat diamond and said, "Well, ugh. We'll just have to discuss this at our meeting tomorrow and let you know if we will even bother continuing with this cycle." Nice, lady. Thanks for that vote of confidence.
Not so green...and not so trusting anymore. We started looking for other options...other REs. But, we were still so convinced that our will to get pregnant would be enough, that we continued with them until the new year when my insurance changed. This was about the time I started wondering who the stranger in the mirror was. I can pin-point August, 2008 as the deepest, darkest depression of my life. I finally gave in to it in September and reluctantly took the pills* they were offering. The pills were the BEST thing I ever got from that practice.
Reflecting on the past year...It breaks my heart again. But, man, what a long way we've come. The girl in the mirror is not the young, carefree, "the world is mine to conquer" chick that I saw when we tossed out the birth control on New Year's Eve 2006. Maybe deep down, a part of her still exists. The girl in the mirror now is much more mature (but, let's be honest - I have lightyears to go in this department), is sorry for (some of) the idiot things she did in her youth, is war-beaten and battle scarred from the trenches of IF. She is also eternally grateful for her family and for her where she is today. Infertility has so defined a part of my life, that I think I will be 97 and still have days like this one that sends me into emotional fits about this journey. I think it will still make my blood boil that the DR who told me I was fine didn't have a damn clue about me.
But, unlike the girl in the mirror last year...the new me has a hero. I'll never beat infertility, but, for the next 26 weeks and then the rest of my life, I'll look at my Butterbean and know I've got that bitch on a short leash (IF is the bitch in this sentence).**
*the pills I am referring to is the lowest dose of Zo.LoFt on the market and I am not taking them while pregnant. Nor, did I take them during my last IVF cycle which created Butterbean. I will take them post-partum if necessary. Please don't judge.
**I still cried tonight, but, I can smile through it now and dream of Butterbean, my hero.
11 comments:
I am glad you clarified that it was the bitch of infertility you had on a short leash, and not Butterbean. Although you do have butterbean on a short least, technically speaking.
:-( Sorry you cried though...infertility is a bitch, and I'm glad you've whipped her ass.
Sorry you had a tough day. I completely understand. I'm on low dose Zo.LoFt as well and I probably won't go off it. I realize that I have to be stable for this all to come together... No worries - and big hugs! Take care of yourself.
I know your story all to well (to a certain extent). I called my first OB 7 months after our first m/c (a loss that took 14 cycles to conceive) and said I really felt like something was wrong and asked for a simple blood panel. He told me I was young and healthy-and that was enough to get me pregnant. After crying for what seems like a month straight, I called another OB who was more than willing to help. She ran a simple blood panel and lo and behold, I have PCOS.
Infertility sucks. There were days I needed more than just Zo.lo.ft to feel like I could function. Funny thing is, this is of IF is just as hard sometimes. I still deal with all the jealousy and bitterness when I hear about a "surprise" pregnancy.
Congrats on beating the bitch known as IF.
It's always amazing to see how much all of us have been through with this crap.
And thanks for the clarification on the bitch being infertility.
Hee hee. :-D
Thanks for sharing ... as much as IF sucks & no one deserves to experience it, I (and I'm sure others) find comfort in your story. Just knowing we're not alone & happy endings are possible. :)
Sweetie, you went through a lot in such a short time. It's no wonder you're still processing. Hope the bad days keep getting less and less frequent as you enjoy the pregnancy and look forward to meeting your Butterbean. Just keep "blogging it out" whenever you need to. It helps, and your readers get it and support you!
Really beautiful post. Thanks for the zo.lo.ft suggestion, I might look into it at some point. For now, I think I'm doing ok. We'll see what happens after IVF #1.
No judgments here. I am on low dose Zoloft. My dr put me on it and said it is the one thing that has been proven to be safe during pregnancy but because it was a low dose I could take it or go off of it with no problem.
You are right IF is a bitch!!!!
hugs to you!
Sometimes crying makes me feel better even if I do get ugly puffy eyes! :) You have come a long way and Im glad you have IF... and not butterbean... on a short leash! ;) Hoping tomorrow is a better day!
Many hugs, Tara. I don't think IF ever magically disappears when that second line appears. There are so many residual feelings to work out as you transition through. Let the tears roll as you need to...
Zoloft might be nice. I just turned 30 and have known we needed IVF for 3 years. We can't afford it. I'm thinking Zoloft may help.
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