I feel like a loser because I haven't been posting lately. I just don't feel like I have anything to say - we're just waiting right now. I'll visit Dr. K when my December period begins and then we'll start IVF #3 with January period. Right now, I just feel like I don't have much to say....
But, I'm Here :) Keeping up with all of you, praying for Antigone, praying for precious Erin and IVF #5, praying for Lisa as she gets through these holidays after another loss. I'm here - cheering you all on.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a 2009 that is better for us all - in all of the individual ways we need it to be better.
Cheesey, but, this is my wish for 2009 - for each and every one of us.
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice,
and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And always give more than you take.
Much love,
Tara
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Praying for Grace
Today is Tuesday. Yep - I've been the proud recipient of 3 pregnancy announcements this week. I hate feeling sad when someone tells me they are expecting. I would NEVER be-grudge anyone the happiness related to such news. I just feel so sad for me and R when I hear it. My friend at work told me today that they are expecting. They had a miscarriage this summer and he talked to me about it then and we both cried. Today, he was so sweet and compassionate. I really appreciated his approach at letting me know. We went for a walk outside and he seemed so nervous. What a true and caring friend to have such heart with me when it is such a happy time for him.
I am still sad for myself, though, and for the struggles we are facing. I keep telling myself - 'Everyone has hardships in their own journey's. I wouldn't trade mine for someone else's. I'd rather walk in these VERY UNCOMFORTABLE shoes that I know - than to ever say I'd rather be walking the path of anyone else.' I mean that, too. But some days, it's OK to daydream, right? I wish it was me telling someone that we were expecting. On days like this, it is helpful to me to re-read a Daily Devotion I received back in July:
Devotion:
“How wonderful!!!” I exclaimed! “I am so happy for you!” This was my response to the breaking news that friends of ours from North Carolina had sold their house after it had been on the market for twenty days.
To them it had been a long twenty days. Houses are normally snatched up quickly in their neck of the woods. In our shaky Michigan economy, however, it takes a bit longer. In fact, on the day she announced that her home now sported a sold sign, we turned another page on our calendar marking how long our house had been for sale. Not twenty days, but twenty months to be exact. Although I was genuinely thrilled for her, I was also a tad green with jealousy.
I refer to it as answer envy. It is that “poor me” mentality that creeps into my heart when God answers someone else’s prayers more quickly than mine. Or when He responds with a “yes” when my answer seems to be a “no” or at least a “not right now.” I’ve had my fair share of answer envy outbreaks over the years and at all stages of life.
As a child, I was envious of the kids who came from two-parent homes while I resided in a family torn apart by divorce. No matter how hard I folded my little hands and prayed to God, He just didn’t make my daddy come back to us.
In high school, it was other girls’ good looks, cute clothes or even cute boyfriends that I longed for. Instead, I was granted average looks and donned department store blue-light-special fashions. And, as sports editor of our school paper, although I was every guy’s pal, I was usually nobody’s gal.
In college, I envied those whose prayers for a night in shining armor, complete with sparkly diamond ring, were answered while I remained single. Once married, I struggled with miscarriage and dashed dreams of motherhood. So, for five long years, I slapped a smile on my face to mask my broken heart and attended yet another pale pink or baby blue church shower.
Over the years I have discovered that the cure for answer envy is not always easy because I must play an active role in my own healing. What I need is a shift in perspective. When I “call to God” as encouraged in today’s verse, I must trust that He will keep His word. He will tell me “great and unsearchable things” that I do not know. Sometimes those things are the answers to my request. However, do you know what those great and unsearchable things more often are? They are the reasons He seems not to be answering my original request!
So, instead of only begging God to “sell my house” or “take away my pain” or “fix my kid,” I need also to ask myself some questions. Questions like, “What is my Creator trying to teach me that I might never learn if He were to suddenly pluck me out of this situation?” Or, “What character qualities is He trying to grow in me? Patience, trust, compassion, contentment?”
Not available in quick microwave form, the cure for answer envy must be cultivated moment by moment. We must believe that God will answer. He will clearly say “yes”, “no”, or “not right now.” He is able, ready and willing to answer our prayers—here is the catch—as He sees fit and to grow us to be more like His Son in the process.
So, our “for sale” sign has remained and I continue my stay in God’s waiting room. However, I now know this to be true: I must not merely seek the answer to my prayer. Instead, I must seek a deeper relationship with the answer Giver.
I pray for the strength to be happy, even though I have no idea if I will ever be a parent, to be a friend even when my heart is breaking. I pray that I can sit in God's waiting room for as long as he needs me to and that I learn the lessons of my life in a way that will please Him. I pray to never be a bitter person. Mostly, I pray for Grace during this rough chapter in our lives and after we have closed this chapter.
I am still sad for myself, though, and for the struggles we are facing. I keep telling myself - 'Everyone has hardships in their own journey's. I wouldn't trade mine for someone else's. I'd rather walk in these VERY UNCOMFORTABLE shoes that I know - than to ever say I'd rather be walking the path of anyone else.' I mean that, too. But some days, it's OK to daydream, right? I wish it was me telling someone that we were expecting. On days like this, it is helpful to me to re-read a Daily Devotion I received back in July:
Devotion:
“How wonderful!!!” I exclaimed! “I am so happy for you!” This was my response to the breaking news that friends of ours from North Carolina had sold their house after it had been on the market for twenty days.
To them it had been a long twenty days. Houses are normally snatched up quickly in their neck of the woods. In our shaky Michigan economy, however, it takes a bit longer. In fact, on the day she announced that her home now sported a sold sign, we turned another page on our calendar marking how long our house had been for sale. Not twenty days, but twenty months to be exact. Although I was genuinely thrilled for her, I was also a tad green with jealousy.
I refer to it as answer envy. It is that “poor me” mentality that creeps into my heart when God answers someone else’s prayers more quickly than mine. Or when He responds with a “yes” when my answer seems to be a “no” or at least a “not right now.” I’ve had my fair share of answer envy outbreaks over the years and at all stages of life.
As a child, I was envious of the kids who came from two-parent homes while I resided in a family torn apart by divorce. No matter how hard I folded my little hands and prayed to God, He just didn’t make my daddy come back to us.
In high school, it was other girls’ good looks, cute clothes or even cute boyfriends that I longed for. Instead, I was granted average looks and donned department store blue-light-special fashions. And, as sports editor of our school paper, although I was every guy’s pal, I was usually nobody’s gal.
In college, I envied those whose prayers for a night in shining armor, complete with sparkly diamond ring, were answered while I remained single. Once married, I struggled with miscarriage and dashed dreams of motherhood. So, for five long years, I slapped a smile on my face to mask my broken heart and attended yet another pale pink or baby blue church shower.
Over the years I have discovered that the cure for answer envy is not always easy because I must play an active role in my own healing. What I need is a shift in perspective. When I “call to God” as encouraged in today’s verse, I must trust that He will keep His word. He will tell me “great and unsearchable things” that I do not know. Sometimes those things are the answers to my request. However, do you know what those great and unsearchable things more often are? They are the reasons He seems not to be answering my original request!
So, instead of only begging God to “sell my house” or “take away my pain” or “fix my kid,” I need also to ask myself some questions. Questions like, “What is my Creator trying to teach me that I might never learn if He were to suddenly pluck me out of this situation?” Or, “What character qualities is He trying to grow in me? Patience, trust, compassion, contentment?”
Not available in quick microwave form, the cure for answer envy must be cultivated moment by moment. We must believe that God will answer. He will clearly say “yes”, “no”, or “not right now.” He is able, ready and willing to answer our prayers—here is the catch—as He sees fit and to grow us to be more like His Son in the process.
So, our “for sale” sign has remained and I continue my stay in God’s waiting room. However, I now know this to be true: I must not merely seek the answer to my prayer. Instead, I must seek a deeper relationship with the answer Giver.
I pray for the strength to be happy, even though I have no idea if I will ever be a parent, to be a friend even when my heart is breaking. I pray that I can sit in God's waiting room for as long as he needs me to and that I learn the lessons of my life in a way that will please Him. I pray to never be a bitter person. Mostly, I pray for Grace during this rough chapter in our lives and after we have closed this chapter.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
And the winner is...
Shelby! Shelby has been struggling with IF for 4 years. She's a trooper. I'm glad that she is my friend - even if only virtually :)
Much love Shelby. I hope this will be the cycle that begins a new chapter in your life.
Much love Shelby. I hope this will be the cycle that begins a new chapter in your life.
Friday, December 5, 2008
When is enough - enough?
I am one of the lucky infertiles who has insurance coverage. A couple of weeks ago, I was able to change providers so that I would continue to have insurance benefits in 2009. Today, I called the new provider to start the pre-certification process. I had a feeling my luck wasn't THAT good to have such awesome coverage continue. My insurance beginning on 1/1/09 will cover only out of network benefits for my new RE. Still, I have some coverage. Just not what we were expecting. Its a let down. Several points are upsetting:
1. The Max Lifetime benefit is $20K. I spent that last year in 6 short cycles - with an in network RE. 5 IUIs, 1 IVF to ER no transfer, and 1 IVF cancelled before retrieval.
2. Out of Network benefits are not covered at the lower, negotiated rate between the insurance co. and the RE - which translates to less time the Max Lifetime Benefit will last.
3. More money out of our pocket - which translates to depleting our savings, having less money to adopt with if we choose that route, fewer times we will be able to afford even trying IVF.
Its not a total loss, as I said, I know I am lucky to have coverage at all. It just begs the question - in true Carey Bradshaw form - When is enough - enough?
At what point do we draw a line in the sand, wave the white flag, throw the towel in - need I go on? How do we decide when we've spent enough time, energy and money on my ovaries with nothing to show for it? When do we decide its better to spend said time, energy and money on adoption? How do I let go of the hope that maybe we'll get pregnant THIS time - albeit 24 cycles into trying for THIS time? Even if, by some act of God, we do get pregnant - how will we be able to sustain the hope that we won't miscarry again? When is it going to be OK for us to just move on, adopt a child who needs loving parents, and get on with being parents? That is the goal in all of this, right? To be parents?
Unfortunately, for me, I have an accounting degree and am a nerd at heart. For me, everything above is not balancing out. $30,000 has not equaled any success for us. What if we had spent that kind of money on an adoption - I think it's safe to believe we'd be much closer to a baby that way. The knowledge I've gained over the past year or more, has not been worth the heartache, depression, anger, or the toll its taken on my relationships with my family and friends.
So, I am seeking your opinion.
When is enough - enough?
1. The Max Lifetime benefit is $20K. I spent that last year in 6 short cycles - with an in network RE. 5 IUIs, 1 IVF to ER no transfer, and 1 IVF cancelled before retrieval.
2. Out of Network benefits are not covered at the lower, negotiated rate between the insurance co. and the RE - which translates to less time the Max Lifetime Benefit will last.
3. More money out of our pocket - which translates to depleting our savings, having less money to adopt with if we choose that route, fewer times we will be able to afford even trying IVF.
Its not a total loss, as I said, I know I am lucky to have coverage at all. It just begs the question - in true Carey Bradshaw form - When is enough - enough?
At what point do we draw a line in the sand, wave the white flag, throw the towel in - need I go on? How do we decide when we've spent enough time, energy and money on my ovaries with nothing to show for it? When do we decide its better to spend said time, energy and money on adoption? How do I let go of the hope that maybe we'll get pregnant THIS time - albeit 24 cycles into trying for THIS time? Even if, by some act of God, we do get pregnant - how will we be able to sustain the hope that we won't miscarry again? When is it going to be OK for us to just move on, adopt a child who needs loving parents, and get on with being parents? That is the goal in all of this, right? To be parents?
Unfortunately, for me, I have an accounting degree and am a nerd at heart. For me, everything above is not balancing out. $30,000 has not equaled any success for us. What if we had spent that kind of money on an adoption - I think it's safe to believe we'd be much closer to a baby that way. The knowledge I've gained over the past year or more, has not been worth the heartache, depression, anger, or the toll its taken on my relationships with my family and friends.
So, I am seeking your opinion.
When is enough - enough?
Monday, December 1, 2008
December 1, 2008
My baby would be due today. Instead of being the best day of my life, December 1st will always be a sad day.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
What a decent day...
Happy Thanksgiving Eve! I'm sitting here with my R, mom and the dogs. One of which (the dogs - not R or Mom :)) will not get out of my chair and is hindering my ability to type and surf my blogs :)
Let me clarify - no one said anything rude to me about the Total Shock post - I just kept thinking about it and feeling guilty for complaining. A LOT of money was spent on my body with no results, it was my benefit, but the $20K did not come out of my pocket. We spent some money, but nothing we had to go into debt for. I just felt guilty because I know how people go into debt going through this nightmare. So, I just wanted to apologize - I have little room to complain about money in IF treatment.
My bloodwork at the new RE today was a delightful experience. First, I told the receptionist that it was my 2nd time visiting the office and that I wasn't sure what to do. She was so lovely - just as sweet as she could be and explained everything I needed to do. Then, the bloodwork lady was nice and gentle. No bruising! The checkout lady was super, too! Three out of three!!
Even better news is that my FSH came back.......8.8! (I think - 8.8 or 8.4 - I was too excited - I'll have to ask again). So, that is down from 10.4 in January 2008. She said the "normal" range for them is 3.9 to 8.8 so I was at the very top of normal. I'll take it!
Positive experience all around.
Let me clarify - no one said anything rude to me about the Total Shock post - I just kept thinking about it and feeling guilty for complaining. A LOT of money was spent on my body with no results, it was my benefit, but the $20K did not come out of my pocket. We spent some money, but nothing we had to go into debt for. I just felt guilty because I know how people go into debt going through this nightmare. So, I just wanted to apologize - I have little room to complain about money in IF treatment.
My bloodwork at the new RE today was a delightful experience. First, I told the receptionist that it was my 2nd time visiting the office and that I wasn't sure what to do. She was so lovely - just as sweet as she could be and explained everything I needed to do. Then, the bloodwork lady was nice and gentle. No bruising! The checkout lady was super, too! Three out of three!!
Even better news is that my FSH came back.......8.8! (I think - 8.8 or 8.4 - I was too excited - I'll have to ask again). So, that is down from 10.4 in January 2008. She said the "normal" range for them is 3.9 to 8.8 so I was at the very top of normal. I'll take it!
Positive experience all around.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
A Season of Giving...
I'm not sure if I am approaching this correctly, but, I am still a relatively new blogger. Please bear with me.
First, I'd like to clarify an earlier post where I wrote about my insurance. I feel like I shouldn't have posted about that topic. I mean, how lucky am I to have such great insurance? I know that. I am very thankful for my insurance - and especially that we can start year 2 of IF treatment with a new insurance company and a "blank slate". I was and am just truly saddened by the fact that I used up my entire lfetime maximum benefit in 8 short months. I'm especially saddened by the fact that I still have empty arms. I feel like there is nothing to show for the obscene amount of money spent on my body in 2008.
So, I truly apologize if it seemed like I was bitching. I keep picturing you out there cussing me and deleting my blog from your sight (or site - pun intended :) ).
That being said, I have 8 vials of Menopur left over from IVF. My new RE is not going to use Menopur in my January cycle. So, I've had these drugs in the fridge on the garage - and everyday, I think - ugh - those drugs - They are just going to sit there and expire. But, they shouldn't! If you need them, please email me and let me know your story. My email is:
tara dot smith dot adkisson at gmail dot com. I'll decide on Sunday, December 7th who I will send them to and let you all know via my blog. Of course, if you are the lucky winner, I will email you back. I chose the email route to keep your stories private if you wish to do so. I hope to share the person's story with my December 7th post - so please let me know if you would not be open to that - it doesn't mean I won't pick you.
The Season of Giving officially begins for me! I love giving gifts that make people happy!
On an IF front, after a long, un-medicated cycle, I finally started on day 35 today! FINALLY. Now, though, I am hoping my next cycle will be just as long so I can start IVF with the new RE at the end of December. My new insurance kicks in January 1st, but it's not like you have to do anything the first day of your period usually with IVF. Tomorrow, I am going to have my FSH, LH and estrodil tested with the new RE. My FSH has not been tested since January 5, 2008. I am hoping it isn't too much worse for the wear.
I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving Holiday. I know we are all in different places of this game and that the holidays can be especially tough. I'm trying to keep my chin up and enjoy the times. Easier said than done - I know. I'm thankful for all of the support you have provided me over the past few months and I hope that I can repay you some day.
First, I'd like to clarify an earlier post where I wrote about my insurance. I feel like I shouldn't have posted about that topic. I mean, how lucky am I to have such great insurance? I know that. I am very thankful for my insurance - and especially that we can start year 2 of IF treatment with a new insurance company and a "blank slate". I was and am just truly saddened by the fact that I used up my entire lfetime maximum benefit in 8 short months. I'm especially saddened by the fact that I still have empty arms. I feel like there is nothing to show for the obscene amount of money spent on my body in 2008.
So, I truly apologize if it seemed like I was bitching. I keep picturing you out there cussing me and deleting my blog from your sight (or site - pun intended :) ).
That being said, I have 8 vials of Menopur left over from IVF. My new RE is not going to use Menopur in my January cycle. So, I've had these drugs in the fridge on the garage - and everyday, I think - ugh - those drugs - They are just going to sit there and expire. But, they shouldn't! If you need them, please email me and let me know your story. My email is:
tara dot smith dot adkisson at gmail dot com. I'll decide on Sunday, December 7th who I will send them to and let you all know via my blog. Of course, if you are the lucky winner, I will email you back. I chose the email route to keep your stories private if you wish to do so. I hope to share the person's story with my December 7th post - so please let me know if you would not be open to that - it doesn't mean I won't pick you.
The Season of Giving officially begins for me! I love giving gifts that make people happy!
On an IF front, after a long, un-medicated cycle, I finally started on day 35 today! FINALLY. Now, though, I am hoping my next cycle will be just as long so I can start IVF with the new RE at the end of December. My new insurance kicks in January 1st, but it's not like you have to do anything the first day of your period usually with IVF. Tomorrow, I am going to have my FSH, LH and estrodil tested with the new RE. My FSH has not been tested since January 5, 2008. I am hoping it isn't too much worse for the wear.
I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving Holiday. I know we are all in different places of this game and that the holidays can be especially tough. I'm trying to keep my chin up and enjoy the times. Easier said than done - I know. I'm thankful for all of the support you have provided me over the past few months and I hope that I can repay you some day.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Speak Out, Speak Up Award
Another Dreamer and the ever fabulous Shelby nominated me for an award. Thank you :)It has taken me a few days to respond because I have been a lazy person this week. Not just when it comes to blogging - but just in general! The spirit of this award is to acknowledge those who are open about our struggle with infertility. I am open to a point that sometimes I wish I hadn't said anything. So much assvice out there!!!
For more information, read this wonderful post that describes infertility struggles perfectly - with some humor thrown in :) I'd like to add this one to the list:
- If you've ever heard the statement - "Just adopt - then it will work for you" and wanted to punch the person in the face (humor my violence :) )
Rules for posting award:
1. Link to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award
2. Nominate others who have not been "silent about their infertility"
3. Enjoy speaking out and speaking up!!
Here you go ladies:
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Total Shock
So, today I noticed this letter on the counter from my insurance company. I'm looking over it and kinda not understanding what the hell it means. I went online and started reviewing my EOBs (explanation of benefits) and on one it said - You have reached your maximum benefit. This charge is not covered.
WHAT??????
So, I call the insurance company. Apparently, my drugs for IVF cost close to $12,000. Keep in mind that I know a lot of you don't have insurance coverage and that I know I am very blessed to have such awesome insurance. However, I am in total shock that in basically 8 months (not counting the month I was waiting after the miscarriage, waiting to start IVF, etc) I spent more than $20K of the insurance company's money on my body. This doesn't include the amount R and I spent out of pocket.
And we have nothing to show for this outrageous amount of money.
I am baffled.
I am sad.
I keep thinking about that baby that would have been due on December 1st.
I want to scream or hit something (No, Not Weasa for your Steel Magnolia girls).
I know I am lucky to have a company that offers 2 outstanding insurance plans and that my new DR accepts the 2nd one and that I am able to begin working with him and the new insurance in January.
I know I am lucky to have another chance.
I am scared that my second chance won't work.
I am sorry for those of you who face this terrible demon and have to pay for it out of your own pocket.
I am in Total Shock.
WHAT??????
So, I call the insurance company. Apparently, my drugs for IVF cost close to $12,000. Keep in mind that I know a lot of you don't have insurance coverage and that I know I am very blessed to have such awesome insurance. However, I am in total shock that in basically 8 months (not counting the month I was waiting after the miscarriage, waiting to start IVF, etc) I spent more than $20K of the insurance company's money on my body. This doesn't include the amount R and I spent out of pocket.
And we have nothing to show for this outrageous amount of money.
I am baffled.
I am sad.
I keep thinking about that baby that would have been due on December 1st.
I want to scream or hit something (No, Not Weasa for your Steel Magnolia girls).
I know I am lucky to have a company that offers 2 outstanding insurance plans and that my new DR accepts the 2nd one and that I am able to begin working with him and the new insurance in January.
I know I am lucky to have another chance.
I am scared that my second chance won't work.
I am sorry for those of you who face this terrible demon and have to pay for it out of your own pocket.
I am in Total Shock.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Show And Tell
Show and Tell is here again! How quickly the week flies by! If you want more information, please visit Mel.
My 30th birthday was yesterday - and we had a wonderful day! R had a party for me and on Friday night, he surprised me with a scavenger hunt! I knew I was getting jewelry for my birthday, but wasn't positive about which item he picked. So, Friday night about 11:30, he gave me a sweet card. Also in the envelope was an index card with my first clue! He sent me all over the house - several times over - and then I came downstairs one last time and he had a ribbon tied around Sidda's neck and the other end around Buffett's (our dogs). He had the ring box hanging in the middle. It was the sweetest and possibly most romantic thing he's done since we got engaged!!! Here is a picture - I put the ring on my left hand to take a picture - but I am wearing it on my right. My skin looks kinda scary so close up - but oh well :) I share my darkest secrets here - might as well share the pores of my skin!!!!
Happy Show and Tell!
My 30th birthday was yesterday - and we had a wonderful day! R had a party for me and on Friday night, he surprised me with a scavenger hunt! I knew I was getting jewelry for my birthday, but wasn't positive about which item he picked. So, Friday night about 11:30, he gave me a sweet card. Also in the envelope was an index card with my first clue! He sent me all over the house - several times over - and then I came downstairs one last time and he had a ribbon tied around Sidda's neck and the other end around Buffett's (our dogs). He had the ring box hanging in the middle. It was the sweetest and possibly most romantic thing he's done since we got engaged!!! Here is a picture - I put the ring on my left hand to take a picture - but I am wearing it on my right. My skin looks kinda scary so close up - but oh well :) I share my darkest secrets here - might as well share the pores of my skin!!!!
Happy Show and Tell!
Wendy gave me the I heart your blog award. I love reading her blog and keeping up with her story. She is currently pursuing adoption and has such a positive outlook - which we can lose all too easily along this IF journey. She is such a sweetheart!
The way this works is - I answer the questions below with a 1 word response and pass the reward on to 7 others.
1. Where is your cell phone? near
2. Where is your significant other? bed
3. Your hair color? colored!
4. Your mother? sweetest
5. Your father? soft-hearted
6. Your favorite thing? family
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your dream/goal? Happily-ever-after
9. The room you're in? den
10. Your hobby? shopping
11. Your fear? infertility
12. Where do you want to be in six years? happy
13. Where were you last night? celebrating
14. What you're not? pregnant
15. One of your wish list items? children
16. Where you grew up? Georgia
17. The last thing you did? rest
18. What are you wearing? pajamas
19. Your T.V.? HGTV
20. Your pet? 3
21. Your computer? laptop
22. Your mood? fine
23. Missing someone? Marlin
24. Your car? SUV
25. Something you're not wearing? bra
26. Favorite store? Loft
27. Your Summer? sad
28. Love someone? absolutely
29. Your favorite color? pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? October
My virtual friends have mostly been tagged! So, I don't want to re-tag. Here are my friends that I love that haven't yet been tagged:
Shelby - http://dochaschronicles.blogspot.com/
Another Dreamer - http://anunwantedpath.blogspot.com/
Hope2morrow - http://infertilityhope2morrow.blogspot.com/
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Antigone Lost
This is for my friend Antigone. She has an amazing story and will meet her sweet little one in January. Here's to you, Antigone! May your future with Perseus be as wonderful as I think you are!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wednesday of Birthday Week
Well, today is Wednesday of Birthday Week. Its been a rather un-Birthday like week, though :( Work is INSANE and even though it's 11PM, I should still be working. I just didn't have it in me anymore. I meant to call the chiropractor today and ran out of time. I am only going to work a 1/2 day on Friday, so, I hope she can see me early afternoon time.
Brenda - I've been working in the office all week - so, don't be jealous of my typical work from home practices :) I am going in every day this week - it's a pretty major accomplishment!! What a slacker I am. I also need to go in Monday - Wednesday next week - our Global Leadership team will be in town, so, its all about the face time, ya know? Thank goodness Zoloft has brought back the old Tara I once knew. I now recognize her and realize how much I've missed her. That makes me sound like a split personality freak - but you know what I mean. I no longer feel like I have a black cloud surrounding me.
I'm excited about this weekend - we should have a good time with friends and family. We are having people over to watch the UGA vs. Auburn game (Go Dawgs!!). Its kinda lame, but, its what we do as UGA alum. My birthday pretty much falls on this weekend every year. I've learned to live with this.
I always thought I would be upset about 30. But, actually, I am looking forward to this birthday more than I have in several years! I had a hard time with 25...and ever since then, birthdays have been just kinda anticlimactic. This year, I don't know if its the anticipation of the present I will get from R (we do big 30 birthday gifts - typically we do no gifts for birthdays), or the anticipation of a new year - with a new doctor, new insurance, new hope...a new outlook. That's right, 11/15 is my New Year's!!!!
So, in case I don't talk to you before then - I'll raise my glass to all of my new "friends" on Saturday. And if you can't drink this weekend, don't worry, I'll drink one for you. After all, that's what friends are for, right?
Thank you, ladies, for providing me such a great outlet and great support these past months.
Cheers to you - and of course, Happy New Year!!!
Brenda - I've been working in the office all week - so, don't be jealous of my typical work from home practices :) I am going in every day this week - it's a pretty major accomplishment!! What a slacker I am. I also need to go in Monday - Wednesday next week - our Global Leadership team will be in town, so, its all about the face time, ya know? Thank goodness Zoloft has brought back the old Tara I once knew. I now recognize her and realize how much I've missed her. That makes me sound like a split personality freak - but you know what I mean. I no longer feel like I have a black cloud surrounding me.
I'm excited about this weekend - we should have a good time with friends and family. We are having people over to watch the UGA vs. Auburn game (Go Dawgs!!). Its kinda lame, but, its what we do as UGA alum. My birthday pretty much falls on this weekend every year. I've learned to live with this.
I always thought I would be upset about 30. But, actually, I am looking forward to this birthday more than I have in several years! I had a hard time with 25...and ever since then, birthdays have been just kinda anticlimactic. This year, I don't know if its the anticipation of the present I will get from R (we do big 30 birthday gifts - typically we do no gifts for birthdays), or the anticipation of a new year - with a new doctor, new insurance, new hope...a new outlook. That's right, 11/15 is my New Year's!!!!
So, in case I don't talk to you before then - I'll raise my glass to all of my new "friends" on Saturday. And if you can't drink this weekend, don't worry, I'll drink one for you. After all, that's what friends are for, right?
Thank you, ladies, for providing me such a great outlet and great support these past months.
Cheers to you - and of course, Happy New Year!!!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
I've been MIA
So, I should be doing my Show and Tell, but, I think I only have one post in me tonight. I've been MIA...and there is no excuse. Not much has been going on - and I've certainly been keeping up with all of you. Our last negative was certainly more difficult and has taken us longer to recover from than either of us expected or wanted to admit. This whole waiting until January thing is so frustrating to me. I feel like we are in the exact same place as we were last year. We were waiting to meet with our RE in January. Here we are again. I know we have learned a lot over the past 10 months, but damn if it doesn't piss me off that we are no better off now than 1 year ago. Clearly, my annoyance is shining through.
I did at home Ov tests this month and didn't ever get a positive result. That was very frustrating. What's more - is that I will probably have a perfect 28 day cycle. How does that work? I've always been clock work regular - how can that be if there is never an egg?
I met a chiropractor, who is a friend of a friend. She is very "into" holistic practices. I talked to her in depth about my situation and am planning to go see her next week. She said there are some dietary changes I can make to help prepare my body for an IVF cycle in January. I've mailed my records from RE#1 to RE#2 (Dr. K). Dr. K is going to do some blood work (FSH and I think AMH) with my December cycle.
I'm slammed at work, which is good. I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. This week will be another crazy work week, too...and the big 3-0 is Saturday.
All in all, I should not be as pissed off about this as I am. I just feel like we've made ZERO progress - and then I read all kinds of IF related blogs, etc and realize I am not even as educated about this IF stuff as I thought. I don't know what all else to ask Dr. K to test me for in December. Any suggestions?
I did at home Ov tests this month and didn't ever get a positive result. That was very frustrating. What's more - is that I will probably have a perfect 28 day cycle. How does that work? I've always been clock work regular - how can that be if there is never an egg?
I met a chiropractor, who is a friend of a friend. She is very "into" holistic practices. I talked to her in depth about my situation and am planning to go see her next week. She said there are some dietary changes I can make to help prepare my body for an IVF cycle in January. I've mailed my records from RE#1 to RE#2 (Dr. K). Dr. K is going to do some blood work (FSH and I think AMH) with my December cycle.
I'm slammed at work, which is good. I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. This week will be another crazy work week, too...and the big 3-0 is Saturday.
All in all, I should not be as pissed off about this as I am. I just feel like we've made ZERO progress - and then I read all kinds of IF related blogs, etc and realize I am not even as educated about this IF stuff as I thought. I don't know what all else to ask Dr. K to test me for in December. Any suggestions?
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Show and Tell
Welcome to Show and Tell! If you would like to participate, please click here.
This week, I am sharing my favorite picture of my flowers. R and I are always working in our yard. We love it...and are a little obsessed with it looking nice. It such instant gratification to plant annuals...but my favorite thing to plant is bulbs. They are always so surprising and beautiful. Its like you almost forget about them and then they start peeking up reaching for the sun :) I get so excited in March when my Jonquils start peeking through the mulch. So here goes....
This week, I am sharing my favorite picture of my flowers. R and I are always working in our yard. We love it...and are a little obsessed with it looking nice. It such instant gratification to plant annuals...but my favorite thing to plant is bulbs. They are always so surprising and beautiful. Its like you almost forget about them and then they start peeking up reaching for the sun :) I get so excited in March when my Jonquils start peeking through the mulch. So here goes....
We have framed some pictures of our flowers and have them hanging in our master bedroom. Here is my second favorite - its the blooms from our Forsythia bush...
Hope you enjoy viewing my artistic outlet :) Happy Show and Tell!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Manic Monday
Let me tell you how much I love Mel's open bar :) An open bar is always where I want to be...
Yesterday, I went to see WICKED. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. Yesterday was actually the 2nd time I've seen it, and it was just as fabulous as the first. It's a great story. I went with pretty much all of the women on my Mom's side of the family. It was fun, but we really didn't get a whole lot of "girl time" in. Oh, well, it was great to see everyone.
This morning, I tried to turn over a new leaf. Lately, I have been working from home entirely too much and have been getting up at, oh, 9AM and getting to work at 9:02. Not really the over achiever I once was. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a morning person. But, I've felt pretty slack-ish lately. Today, I got up around 8:30 and was online at 8:45. I have to admit, I think that's an October best. (SAD!!!). I am going to the office tomorrow. Hopefully, I will make it there before 9!!!
Also this morning, R got home about 8:30 or so. (He works nights). We have a stray cat that we officially claimed as ours last Christmas and have since spent ~$1,000 on :) - see Show and Tell from a couple weeks ago. WE HAVE A NEW KITTEN - not kidding. He's on our garage and has been in the engine of my car all day. We tried to get him out, but, he kept getting back in. Our first cat we named Garfield. This new kitty, yep, you guessed it, I have started calling him Odie. We're original, I know :) Its supposed to get into the 30's here tonight, so, we didn't open the garage all day. I don't want him to get out and freeze. Hopefully, tomorrow morning, he will get out of my engine before I leave for work. He is super cute - almost black but when we shined the light on him he had some brown perfectly mixed in. HAHA - he has brown highlights. I have no idea if its a girl or boy - I just keep calling it a He since I named it Odie :) I hope he will stay around - and I'll post his picture if he does :)
Maybe this is a new beginning. New life into our life. I love trying to see "Signs" in totally random incidents.
Yesterday, I went to see WICKED. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. Yesterday was actually the 2nd time I've seen it, and it was just as fabulous as the first. It's a great story. I went with pretty much all of the women on my Mom's side of the family. It was fun, but we really didn't get a whole lot of "girl time" in. Oh, well, it was great to see everyone.
This morning, I tried to turn over a new leaf. Lately, I have been working from home entirely too much and have been getting up at, oh, 9AM and getting to work at 9:02. Not really the over achiever I once was. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a morning person. But, I've felt pretty slack-ish lately. Today, I got up around 8:30 and was online at 8:45. I have to admit, I think that's an October best. (SAD!!!). I am going to the office tomorrow. Hopefully, I will make it there before 9!!!
Also this morning, R got home about 8:30 or so. (He works nights). We have a stray cat that we officially claimed as ours last Christmas and have since spent ~$1,000 on :) - see Show and Tell from a couple weeks ago. WE HAVE A NEW KITTEN - not kidding. He's on our garage and has been in the engine of my car all day. We tried to get him out, but, he kept getting back in. Our first cat we named Garfield. This new kitty, yep, you guessed it, I have started calling him Odie. We're original, I know :) Its supposed to get into the 30's here tonight, so, we didn't open the garage all day. I don't want him to get out and freeze. Hopefully, tomorrow morning, he will get out of my engine before I leave for work. He is super cute - almost black but when we shined the light on him he had some brown perfectly mixed in. HAHA - he has brown highlights. I have no idea if its a girl or boy - I just keep calling it a He since I named it Odie :) I hope he will stay around - and I'll post his picture if he does :)
Maybe this is a new beginning. New life into our life. I love trying to see "Signs" in totally random incidents.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Show and Tell
To participate in the fun of Show and Tell, click here.
Its been a strange week and I am not feeling very creative with Show and Tell. I don't know if this happens to other people or not, but I just don't feel like I am very interesting. I find my friends in blog world very interesting, but myself - not so much....
So, for Show and Tell this week, I am going to share a picture of our home. Our home is my haven. R and I bought a house 6 months before we were married, but work situations changed and R ended up only living there on the weekends. We finally made a move shortly after the wedding and sold it. Our current home is what I really consider our first home as a family. We had it built and picked out every detail. Even in our darkest moments, our home is where I want to be - with R and our sweet furry family. I pray we can build our our family in this home and enjoy years of love and life together.
Its been a strange week and I am not feeling very creative with Show and Tell. I don't know if this happens to other people or not, but I just don't feel like I am very interesting. I find my friends in blog world very interesting, but myself - not so much....
So, for Show and Tell this week, I am going to share a picture of our home. Our home is my haven. R and I bought a house 6 months before we were married, but work situations changed and R ended up only living there on the weekends. We finally made a move shortly after the wedding and sold it. Our current home is what I really consider our first home as a family. We had it built and picked out every detail. Even in our darkest moments, our home is where I want to be - with R and our sweet furry family. I pray we can build our our family in this home and enjoy years of love and life together.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Moving On
Today I woke up at 5AM and knew I was starting my period. I was too tired to give a shit, in all honesty. When I did get up, I was really glad that I was able to wear jeans to our off site meeting for work today. AF came in with a vengeance. I was totally thinking I was PG on Monday night - my back was hurting SO BAD - like it did when I was PG for those 2 glorious days in March. Of course, then, I cried and worried that it would be another chemical since my back was hurting so bad. Anyway, none of that matters now. I am glad that I stopped the progesterone suppositories on Sunday after the negative POAS. I am glad that I POAS - it at least prepared me somewhat for yesterday. Don't get me wrong - I always hold on until the very last shred of hope is lost. I was still devastated when she called. I could tell just by her tone of voice when she said hello to me.
My niece and sister were here when she called. I was working from home in preparation of a tough day. Although, I really thought this was going to be the cycle for us. The baby(ies) would have been due in July - which is when my niece was born. I thought that would be really cool -they would be exactly 4 years apart. I really had some hope, given my positive response to the meds this time.
R and I have talked and we are done with 2008. We are going to have a big party for my 30th on the 15th of November and just get through the Holidays. I am ready to kick 29 and the year 2008 out the door (lest us forget that I am also ready to be done with this RE)! With my December period (which should be close to the end of the month) we will start with the new RE. He seems much more aggressive and was appalled when I told him about the RE telling me to go the donor egg route. I want to try once with him and then start the process to adopt a Chinese baby. R thinks we should try a few times with the new RE before the adoption route. I'd get on a plane to China today if I could get a baby by doing that. I am ready to be a parent - no matter what it takes to get there.
In the meantime, I will likely still cry when I am in my car alone and think of what this child could have been. I will mourn the baby I should be swollen with right now and will cry myself to sleep on December 1st which would have been her due date. We will survive this, just as we have survived the past 22 months of this trying.
My niece and sister were here when she called. I was working from home in preparation of a tough day. Although, I really thought this was going to be the cycle for us. The baby(ies) would have been due in July - which is when my niece was born. I thought that would be really cool -they would be exactly 4 years apart. I really had some hope, given my positive response to the meds this time.
R and I have talked and we are done with 2008. We are going to have a big party for my 30th on the 15th of November and just get through the Holidays. I am ready to kick 29 and the year 2008 out the door (lest us forget that I am also ready to be done with this RE)! With my December period (which should be close to the end of the month) we will start with the new RE. He seems much more aggressive and was appalled when I told him about the RE telling me to go the donor egg route. I want to try once with him and then start the process to adopt a Chinese baby. R thinks we should try a few times with the new RE before the adoption route. I'd get on a plane to China today if I could get a baby by doing that. I am ready to be a parent - no matter what it takes to get there.
In the meantime, I will likely still cry when I am in my car alone and think of what this child could have been. I will mourn the baby I should be swollen with right now and will cry myself to sleep on December 1st which would have been her due date. We will survive this, just as we have survived the past 22 months of this trying.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Same old song and dance
BFN. I don't have much else to say. It's just the same story, different month.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Of Course...
I POAS this morning and it was negative. There is a 51 - 82% chance that the test is accurate. Definitely bummed....
Show and Tell
I am participating in Mel's Show and Tell. For information on how to particpate, click here.
As I said in my last post, I feel like I've been excluding a major part of my life in my blog....My pets. We have 2 dogs and a rescued cat. Our dogs live inside and are basically people :). Our cat, Garfield, lives outside and likes to think she owns the street we live on. She lays in the street and refuses to move when cars come by. It's not a rare occasion for us to hear someone honking their horn to try to get her to move...she's a queen.
Our oldest dog is a lab and her name is Sidda (from Ya-Ya - aren't you surprised?). We got her July 30th 2003 - a couple of months after we got engaged. She really thinks she's human and refuses to play with our younger dog and her litter mate - who my sister has - Baxter. Sidda loves her Daddy more than anyone. She gets nervous when we are at my parents or R's parents because she doesn't want us to leave her. Her favorite place to be is R's parent's lake house. She LOVES the water and swims from sun up to sun down - or when we insist that she take a break and take her inside.
Our "baby" is a springer spaniel. We have had him just a little over a year now. We got both of our dogs when they were 8 - 10 weeks old. His name is Buffett (think Jimmy!). He's super funny and my niece is in love with him. They play so much and he is so gentle with her. R really wanted another dog and kept sending me links to puppies for sale. One day, I was worn down enough to go and "see" the puppies. The was never a question in my mind that we'd come home empty handed. We named him on the way to get him, just like we had done for Sidda. I cried the first few mornings and thought we must have lost our minds as he would poop in the bathroom floor but not outside. Luckily, he was trained pretty quickly and it became evident that our lives would never be the same again! He loves Sidda so much and has really been good for her. She is much more active and has lost a few pounds since he's been around.
If Sidda and Buffett were really humans, Sidda would be our shy girl and would like to stay at home with us. Buffett would be our social butterfly and he would probably always have friends over or be at a friend's house.
Here is the picture from our Christmas card last year:
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Home at Last
I am finally home after a week on the road. It was a fun week, but it's always so nice to come home.
Chicago was OK - I got away without drinking all night and no one noticed. My meetings were productive and I got in some shopping.
St. Augustine was great! The weather was perfect! High 80's - can you believe it? I even got to lay out in the sun for a while (I was still having to work down there, so, couldn't play as much as I would've liked). I had a good time with my parents and my sister and niece. My niece is 3 and is soooo stinkin' sweet. She heals my heart - even at 5AM when she says, "Morning Tata. Sunshine's out. Wanna go play?" She's so funny. She finally got in bed with me that morning (a twin size - with me and her - comfy :) ) and we went back to sleep for a while.
My blood test is Tuesday. I am both dreading it and anticipating it with a hopeful heart. R and I went and bought a couple of tests tonight - I am hoping to muster the courage to POAS tomorrow morning. I guess if it's negative it will soften the blow on Tuesday. I've been doing the progesterone suppositories, so, any symptoms I would think I had, is probably the progesterone. My breasts are a little tender and I am sleepy - both side effects of elevated progesterone. One thing that seems a little different is that I have been super thirsty. Not sure what that is about. Its sadistic, but, I find it easier to wait on a BFN than to wait on my cycle to start.
I hope to have more grace in the moment this time - with the loving hand of my new friend Zoloft - I definitely think she's helping. Hopefully, I will never regret having taken this medicine - if we ever adopt or it has some crazy long term side effects. Surely, adoption agencies understand this type of stress? It's too much to worry about, but, it does linger in my mind.
R had 2 surprises for me when we got home. First, he programmed my car to open the garage door by pushing a button in the car instead of having the extra garage door remote. I've been trying to get that function to work since we got this car in April!! It's a little thing, but, its fun and I like it. It was sweet of him to take the time to do it. Second, he got our youngest dog's hair cut. I have been feeling like I've neglected a major part of my life in my blog by not mentioning my pets! I think I'll start Mel's Show and Tell this week and introduce you to our "kids".
I've missed blogging this week. I've kept up with you all, though, and am glad to be back!
Chicago was OK - I got away without drinking all night and no one noticed. My meetings were productive and I got in some shopping.
St. Augustine was great! The weather was perfect! High 80's - can you believe it? I even got to lay out in the sun for a while (I was still having to work down there, so, couldn't play as much as I would've liked). I had a good time with my parents and my sister and niece. My niece is 3 and is soooo stinkin' sweet. She heals my heart - even at 5AM when she says, "Morning Tata. Sunshine's out. Wanna go play?" She's so funny. She finally got in bed with me that morning (a twin size - with me and her - comfy :) ) and we went back to sleep for a while.
My blood test is Tuesday. I am both dreading it and anticipating it with a hopeful heart. R and I went and bought a couple of tests tonight - I am hoping to muster the courage to POAS tomorrow morning. I guess if it's negative it will soften the blow on Tuesday. I've been doing the progesterone suppositories, so, any symptoms I would think I had, is probably the progesterone. My breasts are a little tender and I am sleepy - both side effects of elevated progesterone. One thing that seems a little different is that I have been super thirsty. Not sure what that is about. Its sadistic, but, I find it easier to wait on a BFN than to wait on my cycle to start.
I hope to have more grace in the moment this time - with the loving hand of my new friend Zoloft - I definitely think she's helping. Hopefully, I will never regret having taken this medicine - if we ever adopt or it has some crazy long term side effects. Surely, adoption agencies understand this type of stress? It's too much to worry about, but, it does linger in my mind.
R had 2 surprises for me when we got home. First, he programmed my car to open the garage door by pushing a button in the car instead of having the extra garage door remote. I've been trying to get that function to work since we got this car in April!! It's a little thing, but, its fun and I like it. It was sweet of him to take the time to do it. Second, he got our youngest dog's hair cut. I have been feeling like I've neglected a major part of my life in my blog by not mentioning my pets! I think I'll start Mel's Show and Tell this week and introduce you to our "kids".
I've missed blogging this week. I've kept up with you all, though, and am glad to be back!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
IUI #5
This is my new math equation - and I am hoping it balances:
4 follicles, 2 IUIs, 13M sperm, 4 antibiotics, 14 days waiting = 1 healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby(ies) that will live a long, healthy, happy life
I think it's reasonable. Don't you?
FYI - I didn't go to tennis :) It was my gut instinct to not go, but nice to hear others would have done the same. Sometimes I think I am being overly cautious, so knowing others would have skipped, too, was helpful!!
I start prometrium suppositories twice per day on Friday. We ordered them for my IVF cycles, but I never made it far enough to actually use them.
I am hopeful and trying not to spaz out. The waiting, I think, is the worst part. Hopefully, the days will pass quickly, as next week is pretty busy (I'll be in Chicago the first part of the week and St. Augustine the last half).
Here's to HOPE!!!
**correction - I am starting Endometrin on Friday. I finally got it out of the closet its been sitting in for months!!!
4 follicles, 2 IUIs, 13M sperm, 4 antibiotics, 14 days waiting = 1 healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby(ies) that will live a long, healthy, happy life
I think it's reasonable. Don't you?
FYI - I didn't go to tennis :) It was my gut instinct to not go, but nice to hear others would have done the same. Sometimes I think I am being overly cautious, so knowing others would have skipped, too, was helpful!!
I start prometrium suppositories twice per day on Friday. We ordered them for my IVF cycles, but I never made it far enough to actually use them.
I am hopeful and trying not to spaz out. The waiting, I think, is the worst part. Hopefully, the days will pass quickly, as next week is pretty busy (I'll be in Chicago the first part of the week and St. Augustine the last half).
Here's to HOPE!!!
**correction - I am starting Endometrin on Friday. I finally got it out of the closet its been sitting in for months!!!
Monday, October 6, 2008
IUI tomorrow and Wednesday - Advice PLEASE!
Well, the DR just called and my estrogen is 1125. The DR said today that of the follicles we can see - probably 4 of them will give us a chance. I trigger tonight between 8 and 10. We'll do 2 IUIs this month - tomorrow at 11 (R has to donate at 9) and Wednesday - likely around the same time. I am nervous.
I need your help, though. I have tennis lessons on Tuesday nights. It's not strenuous exercise at all - mostly just standing around. There are 6 other girls in the class, so, at the most, I get to hit like 12 times. Do you think I should go or skip it? I've always tried to take it easy in the past, but, that hasn't done me much good! I'd like to know what you think.
Thanks!
I need your help, though. I have tennis lessons on Tuesday nights. It's not strenuous exercise at all - mostly just standing around. There are 6 other girls in the class, so, at the most, I get to hit like 12 times. Do you think I should go or skip it? I've always tried to take it easy in the past, but, that hasn't done me much good! I'd like to know what you think.
Thanks!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Day 6 of stims update
I went in for my ultrasound this morning and it went well. I had 3 good size follicles on the right and 2 good size ones on the left. There were others on the right, but too small to mature into anything. Estrogen came back at either 517 or 571 - I can't remember what she said. Either way - it was pretty good (considering last time we tried it didn't break 150)!!
Next appointment is Monday at 8AM.
I just pray that this will be our month. I am emotionally invested in this cycle - I wasn't in the 2nd IVF cycle - I just had a gut feel about that one. I am really hoping for this one.
"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”
Jeremiah 33:3 (NIV)
Next appointment is Monday at 8AM.
I just pray that this will be our month. I am emotionally invested in this cycle - I wasn't in the 2nd IVF cycle - I just had a gut feel about that one. I am really hoping for this one.
"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”
Jeremiah 33:3 (NIV)
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Day 5 of IUI #5
Today is day 5 of IUI #5. Maybe it's more like day 3 - since tonight was my 3rd shot. I can't figure out how to count the days during Fertility Treatment. I understand DPO (days past ovulation) but I don't know how to count them in the beginning - especially with IVF. Anywho....
I started the Zoloft Monday afternoon. I'm taking 1/2 a pill every day for a week and then a whole pill after that. Monday was strange. I was sooooooo chillaxed (haha - makes me sound like a Gen Y kid...). I had to lay down for a while, even. It definitely took the edge off for my first injection - since it's been a while since I had any shots. Needless to say, the first shot for this cycle went off without a hitch. After dinner I felt a little more normal. It was kinda funny. Tuesday, the Zoloft didn't knock me out as bad, but I was very easily distracted. I would be responding to an email and get an instant message and forget what I was doing. Tuesday night shot went well, again. Today, I was still easily distracted, but less so than Tuesday. Shot tonight was fine, too. No bruising yet - that's nice :)
Side effects so far = hot flashes. BUT - I've been having them pretty much since the last IVF was cancelled. I am always kinda prone to them - I've always had them when I was on my periods and just before I start. So, maybe not a side effect. Tonight after dinner, R and I went to play tennis. We walked to the park - about 10 minute walk - and on the way home - I had those debilitating stomach cramps. I wasn't sure if I could make it home - embarrassing. Luckily, I did - and am hoping it means the Follistim is working. I hope its not a reaction to the Zoloft.
I really feel better with the Zoloft - even if its only been a couple of days. Maybe its a mental thing - but, I don't care :) I am glad to feel better! No tears since Monday at the REs office when I asked for it! YAY!!!
I am a little nervous about Saturday - just hoping I have some follicles growing. Who am I kidding? I just want THE ONE to be growing. 2 days to go...I'm praying "Please let this be the cycle we get pregnant with a healthy baby that will live a long, healthy life" (Can you tell that I feel the need to be very specific? No more praying to just get pregnant with this cycle - that, I have learned, is not enough!). My Hope has returned - albeit with a heart that is trying to guard itself. Thank the Lord!
I started the Zoloft Monday afternoon. I'm taking 1/2 a pill every day for a week and then a whole pill after that. Monday was strange. I was sooooooo chillaxed (haha - makes me sound like a Gen Y kid...). I had to lay down for a while, even. It definitely took the edge off for my first injection - since it's been a while since I had any shots. Needless to say, the first shot for this cycle went off without a hitch. After dinner I felt a little more normal. It was kinda funny. Tuesday, the Zoloft didn't knock me out as bad, but I was very easily distracted. I would be responding to an email and get an instant message and forget what I was doing. Tuesday night shot went well, again. Today, I was still easily distracted, but less so than Tuesday. Shot tonight was fine, too. No bruising yet - that's nice :)
Side effects so far = hot flashes. BUT - I've been having them pretty much since the last IVF was cancelled. I am always kinda prone to them - I've always had them when I was on my periods and just before I start. So, maybe not a side effect. Tonight after dinner, R and I went to play tennis. We walked to the park - about 10 minute walk - and on the way home - I had those debilitating stomach cramps. I wasn't sure if I could make it home - embarrassing. Luckily, I did - and am hoping it means the Follistim is working. I hope its not a reaction to the Zoloft.
I really feel better with the Zoloft - even if its only been a couple of days. Maybe its a mental thing - but, I don't care :) I am glad to feel better! No tears since Monday at the REs office when I asked for it! YAY!!!
I am a little nervous about Saturday - just hoping I have some follicles growing. Who am I kidding? I just want THE ONE to be growing. 2 days to go...I'm praying "Please let this be the cycle we get pregnant with a healthy baby that will live a long, healthy life" (Can you tell that I feel the need to be very specific? No more praying to just get pregnant with this cycle - that, I have learned, is not enough!). My Hope has returned - albeit with a heart that is trying to guard itself. Thank the Lord!
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day
Enlisted by Antigone - please read below and join.
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.
Action Steps:
Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word
Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.
Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."
GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.
Action Steps:
Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word
Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.
Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."
GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Seriously!
Seriously! I love this word. Maybe it is an expression or an exclamation. I don't know - I was not a lit major for a reason. I love to say seriously - it can really sum up about any situation. Seriously - can be a sympathetic remark that can mean - "I know that situation you just explained and I am here for you. I understand." It can mean, "Ugh! What an idiot!" or just be a pissed off exclamation that sums up a frustrated converstaion with the cable guy. Ha ha. Right now, I feel like screaming at the Fertility gods of this world and just saying, "SERIOUSLY!" (translation - how much more do I have to endure?).
I thought that as soon as I started and we got this cycle underway that I would have all this renewed Hope and Faith. Hope for this cycle and Faith that there is something bigger than this world that is looking out for me. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and I still know (DEEP down - really deep) that we'll have a baby one day - some how. I'm just having this full on depression day and just feel like shouting from the roof - SERIOUSLY!
On real news - I went in for my baseline today. I had an 11MM on the left, which is kind of concerning to me - but they said it was fine. There were 4 other follicles on the left (I think they are called antral?) and 6 on the right. Iwonder if the 11MM is left over from my last cycle? I don't know. I finally broke down and asked for something to help get me out of bed every morning and she gave me an RX for Zoloft. She assured me its fine to take while trying to get pregnant. I just don't know how much more I can take on my own. I feel like a wimp somehow - for giving in and asking for the RX. I hope it helps. They still haven't called me back with my bloodwork, but assuming my estrogen is low enough, I'll do my first follistim shot tonight.
**Update** The nurse just called and my estrogen is 54. We're good to start the injections tonight. Next appointment is Saturday at 7:55 AM.
I thought that as soon as I started and we got this cycle underway that I would have all this renewed Hope and Faith. Hope for this cycle and Faith that there is something bigger than this world that is looking out for me. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and I still know (DEEP down - really deep) that we'll have a baby one day - some how. I'm just having this full on depression day and just feel like shouting from the roof - SERIOUSLY!
On real news - I went in for my baseline today. I had an 11MM on the left, which is kind of concerning to me - but they said it was fine. There were 4 other follicles on the left (I think they are called antral?) and 6 on the right. Iwonder if the 11MM is left over from my last cycle? I don't know. I finally broke down and asked for something to help get me out of bed every morning and she gave me an RX for Zoloft. She assured me its fine to take while trying to get pregnant. I just don't know how much more I can take on my own. I feel like a wimp somehow - for giving in and asking for the RX. I hope it helps. They still haven't called me back with my bloodwork, but assuming my estrogen is low enough, I'll do my first follistim shot tonight.
**Update** The nurse just called and my estrogen is 54. We're good to start the injections tonight. Next appointment is Saturday at 7:55 AM.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Another cycle is officially underway
Friday night I officially started and this new cycle is really underway. I have an appointment Monday AM and will start follistim injections Monday night. If I am counting correctly, this will be the 20th time we've tried. Wit our RE, this is the 7th try - 5th IUI and 2 failed IVFs. I'm hoping for lucky number 5.
Other than that, it's been a pretty shitty weekend. We are college football fans - our team lost. They didn't even show up to the game. I had a pretty fun time at the tailgate until I found out that our friends are pregnant with #3. Apparently, everyone there knew and didn't want to tell me. I HATE THAT. Don't be scared to tell me. Yeah, I'm going to be super sad that it's not me - but it doesn't make it easy on our friendship if you act like I won't be able to handle it. R got so annoyed with me about it - and said I had to stop constantly focusing on IF. Its not that easy for me. Then I cried so hard talking to my mom that my eyes were swollen today. It just sucks. I hate being sad when someone tells me they are expecting. I hate that my life revolves around periods and REs and giving myself shots or pills. I hate that I am that bitter bitch that everyone tiptoes around hoping not to piss off. I hate it that when people tell me they are expecting, I immediately want to yell at God and ask why it can't be me, why they deserve it and we don't, why is it so hard for us. I think this is what they call depression.
Other than that, it's been a pretty shitty weekend. We are college football fans - our team lost. They didn't even show up to the game. I had a pretty fun time at the tailgate until I found out that our friends are pregnant with #3. Apparently, everyone there knew and didn't want to tell me. I HATE THAT. Don't be scared to tell me. Yeah, I'm going to be super sad that it's not me - but it doesn't make it easy on our friendship if you act like I won't be able to handle it. R got so annoyed with me about it - and said I had to stop constantly focusing on IF. Its not that easy for me. Then I cried so hard talking to my mom that my eyes were swollen today. It just sucks. I hate being sad when someone tells me they are expecting. I hate that my life revolves around periods and REs and giving myself shots or pills. I hate that I am that bitter bitch that everyone tiptoes around hoping not to piss off. I hate it that when people tell me they are expecting, I immediately want to yell at God and ask why it can't be me, why they deserve it and we don't, why is it so hard for us. I think this is what they call depression.
Friday, September 26, 2008
This could be the beginning...
I am thinking I will start my period tonight or tomorrow first thing. I woke up with cramps, have had mild spotting all day and the cramps are still here. Oh, and I am STARVING. Thank goodness. This wait has been on my last nerve. I also have a business trip in 2 weeks that I would prefer not to cancel. I could (and will if needed) - but, it's a meeting for a council that I have been a very active part of for 2 years and I would just feel shady backing out.
For the most part, we've told our friends that we think we're just going to take the rest of the year off. I can't take any more of the daily questions and the comments of "I just KNOW this is going to be the month." Frankly, I am just not sure. I don't have a good or bad feeling about this cycle. I'm just over my current RE and nurse - so, I guess I'm just indifferent.
I called Nurse and left her a VM. She just called me back and I go in Monday for my baseline (assuming I start tomorrow which all signs currently point to yes). We'll start injections of Follistim on Monday (or Day 3 of my cycle) and will plan to continue those for 10 days. They treat an IUI with injectibles the same as an IVF cycle...I wonder if all REs do? Dr. K (2nd opinion) said that when I do IVF with him, that he'd out me on 225 of Follistim twice per day - so, the same amount as Dr. T - but twice instead of 1 shot of 450 all at once. I wonder if I should self medicate and do 2 shots per day....
I wish I had a lot of confidence in Dr. T. I just get the feeling that they are just humoring me with trying IUI with Follistim. It's a shitty way to feel.
I'm trying to tell myself (and believe) that this could be the beginning of something very wonderful.
For the most part, we've told our friends that we think we're just going to take the rest of the year off. I can't take any more of the daily questions and the comments of "I just KNOW this is going to be the month." Frankly, I am just not sure. I don't have a good or bad feeling about this cycle. I'm just over my current RE and nurse - so, I guess I'm just indifferent.
I called Nurse and left her a VM. She just called me back and I go in Monday for my baseline (assuming I start tomorrow which all signs currently point to yes). We'll start injections of Follistim on Monday (or Day 3 of my cycle) and will plan to continue those for 10 days. They treat an IUI with injectibles the same as an IVF cycle...I wonder if all REs do? Dr. K (2nd opinion) said that when I do IVF with him, that he'd out me on 225 of Follistim twice per day - so, the same amount as Dr. T - but twice instead of 1 shot of 450 all at once. I wonder if I should self medicate and do 2 shots per day....
I wish I had a lot of confidence in Dr. T. I just get the feeling that they are just humoring me with trying IUI with Follistim. It's a shitty way to feel.
I'm trying to tell myself (and believe) that this could be the beginning of something very wonderful.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tagged!
I was tagged by Shelby. Let me tell you how high tech it makes me feel that I am figuring out how to do this :)1. I check my checking account and Amex everyday. Not kidding - everyday. If I don't check it on Saturday, I worry and check it on Sunday. I am a MASTER at budgeting - stretching every dollar so we can live the lifestyle and have the stuff we want. R used to call me to before getting gas to see if it was OK and would call and ask if it was OK for him to have McDonald's for lunch (I'll order off the $1 menu, promise!). LOL. We have been blessed that I am not that tight anymore, but I still watch every penny come in and go out.
2. I really love shopping for presents and wrapping them. I do not like to give a gift that wasn't thoughtfully purchased and wrapped. I despise giving gifts in bags, but I realize sometimes I must give the dreaded gift bag. (I also shop for Christmas year round and start wrapping Christmas gifts before Thanksgiving.)
3. I am completely Type A - see 2 items above :)
4. I got an earring back stuck in my nose as a kid and had to go to the ER - I bet my mom loved that!
5. The only broken bone I've ever had is a toe (knock on wood). I am 3 years younger than my sis and she told me I was stronger than her, so I should carry a weight across the basement at my aunt's house. Turned out, I wasn't that strong. My aunt sprayed bactine on it, thinking I was being overly dramatic.
6. My mom and my sister are absolutely my very best friends on earth, even though I probably treat them worse than my other friends. (Go Figure - treat the ones you love most the worst - This is something I am working on daily).
7. The first time I met my would be husband, R, he picked me and 5 other girls up from a Keg Party. He was dating my "pledge sister" in the sorority. I thought he was cute and he thought I was loud. This was 1998.
Tag - you are it! Lisa, Brenda, and Polly.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Questions and Comments
When I see that my blog has comments, I promise, it is one of the happiest moments of my day! I feel so connected and supported in ways I haven't felt in a LONG time. I wanted to respond to each of you, but wasn't sure if I commented back that you might see it or if it was appropriate to comment back on your blog. I don't the blog etiquette yet on this! So, I am going to answer the questions I've received here in this post :)
Polly asked if Cornell was in network for my insurance. I looked up my coverage for California - and there were a lot of REs that were in network. I don't know if they were at Cornell, though. Is there a practice out there I should look at, maybe? Or, a specific doctor? I am not opposed to traveling if it would help us finish this journey :)
Lost in Space asked about my IVF protocols. For IVF #1, we did a long lupron - I think that is what it was called. I took BCPs for 16 days, lupron by itself for a week and then added Menopur and Bravelle with the lupron. In IVF #2, we did a Micro Flare protocol. I took the BCPs for 6 days and lupron for 1, then added in Follistim and Bravelle with the lupron. Neither seemed to get anything out of my ovaries :( Dr. K, who we will see in January, said he would not use BCPs for me at all and probably no lupron, either. I am excited to see what plan he has cooked up for me!!! For now, if the ol' period ever comes back, we are going to try an IUI with follistim injections. We'll see how that goes.
Erin from Massachusetts asked me if I'd had my FSH checked. I did. It's slightly elevated (I don't have my file here at the office with me). Whatever they said the "good" range is - mine is 0.4 points above that. I think its 10.4 or 12.4. It's turning out to be a bigger issue than we thought it would be, though.
Thank you for the comments and for asking the questions! This blog is way better than any counselor could be!!!
I received a quote from my mother in law about a week ago, and wanted to share it.
When you are faced with hard changes, take a deep breath, put yourself in God’s hands, trust God’s presence with you through the process of change, and give your sadness and mourning over to God. You will be supported. You will be sustained. You will be comforted. And you will be led along the way.
(H. Neinast)
Polly asked if Cornell was in network for my insurance. I looked up my coverage for California - and there were a lot of REs that were in network. I don't know if they were at Cornell, though. Is there a practice out there I should look at, maybe? Or, a specific doctor? I am not opposed to traveling if it would help us finish this journey :)
Lost in Space asked about my IVF protocols. For IVF #1, we did a long lupron - I think that is what it was called. I took BCPs for 16 days, lupron by itself for a week and then added Menopur and Bravelle with the lupron. In IVF #2, we did a Micro Flare protocol. I took the BCPs for 6 days and lupron for 1, then added in Follistim and Bravelle with the lupron. Neither seemed to get anything out of my ovaries :( Dr. K, who we will see in January, said he would not use BCPs for me at all and probably no lupron, either. I am excited to see what plan he has cooked up for me!!! For now, if the ol' period ever comes back, we are going to try an IUI with follistim injections. We'll see how that goes.
Erin from Massachusetts asked me if I'd had my FSH checked. I did. It's slightly elevated (I don't have my file here at the office with me). Whatever they said the "good" range is - mine is 0.4 points above that. I think its 10.4 or 12.4. It's turning out to be a bigger issue than we thought it would be, though.
Thank you for the comments and for asking the questions! This blog is way better than any counselor could be!!!
I received a quote from my mother in law about a week ago, and wanted to share it.
When you are faced with hard changes, take a deep breath, put yourself in God’s hands, trust God’s presence with you through the process of change, and give your sadness and mourning over to God. You will be supported. You will be sustained. You will be comforted. And you will be led along the way.
(H. Neinast)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
It's only TUESDAY????
How I have missed my blog in the past few days. I had every intention of posting last night, and boy, I needed to - but ended up at my neighbors house (T) until 1AM. I'm not sure why I am swearing every night needs to be a recreation of my 21st birthday - I guess I need to blow off some steam.
I went to my regular OB/GYN yesterday for my annual. A pap was supposed to be a part of my IVF work up...but, somehow that was missed. My regular Doc looks like he is about 18 (T sees him, too). We call him Doogie Houser :). I was annoyed that I had to go when the RE should have handled this, but one does what one must. I had NO IDEA how hard it would be for me to go there. I think every single person there was pregnant and had at least 1 child with them. I guess I always thought I'd have a basketball under my shirt when I went back. It made me really sad.
After getting weighed (dreadful), the nurse, who was super nice, asked me a totally normal question - What was the first day of your last period? OMG - how the levies did break. I haven't had a period since a week and a half after the IVF #1 retrieval. So, we went through the sordid story, she left and I waited on Doogie. Doogie comes in and all of the composure I had mustered in the 5 minutes I had alone was gone in an instant. I talked very openly about my current RE and how I feel they have lost hope in me, we are planning to change in '09, etc. He said he knew Dr. K (2n opinion RE) and that it wasn't uncommon to switch after a few failed cycles, yada yada. I guess I got his blessing to change :) My exam was uneventful, which was nice, and he said - from his perspective everything looks fine. I'll take that as good news!
In an earlier post, I mentioned that my nurse at the RE told me to call her on 9/22 if I still had no period. So, I gave her a shout out when I left Doogie. I always have to leave her a voicemail which annoys me to the Nth degree. (Dr. K has an EA who answers every time I call). Nurse called me back at 3:00 and said - come on in tomorrow for some bloodwork. That didn't work for me, so, I told her I could come in then or Thursday. I went in yesterday afternoon and she sent it off with today's bloodwork. While she was taking my blood yesteday, I said, "Thanks for taking it today - I really didn't need to miss any work tomorrow." Her reply (I AM NOT KIDDING), "Oh, no problem. It's totally fine to take it in the afternoon, I'll just have to remember to get it out of the fridge tomorrow to send to the lab. I have been known to forget." SERIOUSLY????? I considered calling her this AM (to leave her a VM) to tell her not to forget my vial of blood in the fridge. It annoyed the hell out of me.
She just called me back today with my results. Apparently, I have just "ovulated" - no idea if a follicle was there or not. She said it happens in "rare" cases for your body to start a new cycle on its own without having a period. I said, "Man, I wish I'd known - I'll take my 3% chance of getting PG on my own rather than a 0% chance." And she acted like it was no big deal - "oh, well - it happens really rarely, so, we just didn't mention it". What I am left to ponder is: What else don't they mention to me? She said I should start within the next 10 days.
I feel like another cycle just went down the tubes, quite literally.
I went to my regular OB/GYN yesterday for my annual. A pap was supposed to be a part of my IVF work up...but, somehow that was missed. My regular Doc looks like he is about 18 (T sees him, too). We call him Doogie Houser :). I was annoyed that I had to go when the RE should have handled this, but one does what one must. I had NO IDEA how hard it would be for me to go there. I think every single person there was pregnant and had at least 1 child with them. I guess I always thought I'd have a basketball under my shirt when I went back. It made me really sad.
After getting weighed (dreadful), the nurse, who was super nice, asked me a totally normal question - What was the first day of your last period? OMG - how the levies did break. I haven't had a period since a week and a half after the IVF #1 retrieval. So, we went through the sordid story, she left and I waited on Doogie. Doogie comes in and all of the composure I had mustered in the 5 minutes I had alone was gone in an instant. I talked very openly about my current RE and how I feel they have lost hope in me, we are planning to change in '09, etc. He said he knew Dr. K (2n opinion RE) and that it wasn't uncommon to switch after a few failed cycles, yada yada. I guess I got his blessing to change :) My exam was uneventful, which was nice, and he said - from his perspective everything looks fine. I'll take that as good news!
In an earlier post, I mentioned that my nurse at the RE told me to call her on 9/22 if I still had no period. So, I gave her a shout out when I left Doogie. I always have to leave her a voicemail which annoys me to the Nth degree. (Dr. K has an EA who answers every time I call). Nurse called me back at 3:00 and said - come on in tomorrow for some bloodwork. That didn't work for me, so, I told her I could come in then or Thursday. I went in yesterday afternoon and she sent it off with today's bloodwork. While she was taking my blood yesteday, I said, "Thanks for taking it today - I really didn't need to miss any work tomorrow." Her reply (I AM NOT KIDDING), "Oh, no problem. It's totally fine to take it in the afternoon, I'll just have to remember to get it out of the fridge tomorrow to send to the lab. I have been known to forget." SERIOUSLY????? I considered calling her this AM (to leave her a VM) to tell her not to forget my vial of blood in the fridge. It annoyed the hell out of me.
She just called me back today with my results. Apparently, I have just "ovulated" - no idea if a follicle was there or not. She said it happens in "rare" cases for your body to start a new cycle on its own without having a period. I said, "Man, I wish I'd known - I'll take my 3% chance of getting PG on my own rather than a 0% chance." And she acted like it was no big deal - "oh, well - it happens really rarely, so, we just didn't mention it". What I am left to ponder is: What else don't they mention to me? She said I should start within the next 10 days.
I feel like another cycle just went down the tubes, quite literally.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
April - Present, 2008
Today, I will finish bringing my blog up to speed on our IF journey. After the miscarriage, we had to wait a cycle. I ended up starting on vacation - anyone surprised?? - in May. We did another IUI - BFN. We discussed IVF with Dr. T and decided to move forward. We had to wait another cycle to finish out additional testing - I was wishing we'd done those right after the MC, but, whatever. We did another IUI while completing the tests, another BFN. One thing I've omitted saying, is, unlike many of my fellow infertiles, I have excellent insurance. So, even though journey is so hard emotionally, we can't complain about it financially. Unlike so many others I know (in real life or virtually), we are so blessed to have such awesome insurance.
IVF #1 began in July. I took BCPs for 15 days and then started lupron, added Bravelle and Menopur and went in for my baseline. There were 8 antral follicles. Still, I left with a nervous feeling. My estrogen moved slowly and all week we were in limbo as to move to retrieval or just do another IUI. We could see 6 follicles. We, who am I kidding - the DRs - finally decided to move on to retrieval. Only 2 follicles, 1 not mature enough and the other didn't fertilize.
IVF #2 began as soon as I started my period in August. My estrogen didn't get past 200 by the 2nd ultrasound (after baseline). The cycle was cancelled the Friday afternoon before labor day - and here I am waiting for my period (again).
In between IVF #1 and IVF #2, we went to get a 2nd opinion. Dr. K's (2nd opinion RE) practice seems much more research focused and much more aggressive. They have been the first to try and succeed at several IF related procedures in Georgia. We both really liked him. The problem is that he is out of network for my insurance. So, to even try IVF with him, would cost us 5 - 8 times more than trying with Dr. T. Sucks. I had the mind enough to check with the other insurance provider my company offers. Dr. K is IN NETWORK with them! YAY! I can sign up with them this fall and begin treatment with Dr. K in January 2009.
In the meantime, we have currently planned to try another IUI with Dr. T. His practice believes that my best odds of getting pregnant are with IUI - they don't believe my ovaries will produce more than 2 follicles each cycle (at best). We did tell him that we wanted to try IUI with injectibles - as that's the only thing we haven't yet tried. He, reluctantly, agreed - he thinks injectibles are too risky for multiples. I see his point, but, dude - you just said that I wouldn't produce more than 2 follies, anyway. He's talking out of both sides of his mouth. Anyway, in the interest of not blowing our entire savings and investments, we are, unfortunately, kinda stuck till 2009.
I still haven't started, anyway, and Dr. T's office said to call them on Monday if I still haven't. I'm not sure I care - maybe my body needs time to recover. I don't want to take that medicine that will force my body to start a period. I feel like we've been beating those poor ovaries since January and maybe the guys just need a break. And, I know what you are thinking - maybe I got PG all on our own after they cancelled my IVF in August. I've taken 2 at home tests, just to have them ruin my day. Anyway, for now, we will just wait - no other choice, really. Some days it's so frustrating I can't hardly stand it (like today). Its so sick to crave giving yourself shots - but, when I am - I at least feel like I am doing something and moving forward. When we are waiting I feel like I am not doing anything - positive or negative - and I am SOOOO type A - I can't stand to just do nothing. Maybe I will finally learn patience - it is a virtue, after all :)
IVF #1 began in July. I took BCPs for 15 days and then started lupron, added Bravelle and Menopur and went in for my baseline. There were 8 antral follicles. Still, I left with a nervous feeling. My estrogen moved slowly and all week we were in limbo as to move to retrieval or just do another IUI. We could see 6 follicles. We, who am I kidding - the DRs - finally decided to move on to retrieval. Only 2 follicles, 1 not mature enough and the other didn't fertilize.
IVF #2 began as soon as I started my period in August. My estrogen didn't get past 200 by the 2nd ultrasound (after baseline). The cycle was cancelled the Friday afternoon before labor day - and here I am waiting for my period (again).
In between IVF #1 and IVF #2, we went to get a 2nd opinion. Dr. K's (2nd opinion RE) practice seems much more research focused and much more aggressive. They have been the first to try and succeed at several IF related procedures in Georgia. We both really liked him. The problem is that he is out of network for my insurance. So, to even try IVF with him, would cost us 5 - 8 times more than trying with Dr. T. Sucks. I had the mind enough to check with the other insurance provider my company offers. Dr. K is IN NETWORK with them! YAY! I can sign up with them this fall and begin treatment with Dr. K in January 2009.
In the meantime, we have currently planned to try another IUI with Dr. T. His practice believes that my best odds of getting pregnant are with IUI - they don't believe my ovaries will produce more than 2 follicles each cycle (at best). We did tell him that we wanted to try IUI with injectibles - as that's the only thing we haven't yet tried. He, reluctantly, agreed - he thinks injectibles are too risky for multiples. I see his point, but, dude - you just said that I wouldn't produce more than 2 follies, anyway. He's talking out of both sides of his mouth. Anyway, in the interest of not blowing our entire savings and investments, we are, unfortunately, kinda stuck till 2009.
I still haven't started, anyway, and Dr. T's office said to call them on Monday if I still haven't. I'm not sure I care - maybe my body needs time to recover. I don't want to take that medicine that will force my body to start a period. I feel like we've been beating those poor ovaries since January and maybe the guys just need a break. And, I know what you are thinking - maybe I got PG all on our own after they cancelled my IVF in August. I've taken 2 at home tests, just to have them ruin my day. Anyway, for now, we will just wait - no other choice, really. Some days it's so frustrating I can't hardly stand it (like today). Its so sick to crave giving yourself shots - but, when I am - I at least feel like I am doing something and moving forward. When we are waiting I feel like I am not doing anything - positive or negative - and I am SOOOO type A - I can't stand to just do nothing. Maybe I will finally learn patience - it is a virtue, after all :)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Thank you!
Thank you for the comments. They make me cry and have made me so happy. This blog has been THE MOST THERAPUTIC thing in my life, ever. I was so against this, just six months ago. I thought it would be insane to post my story out for the world wide web to read. Thank you for the support, just in this short week.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
What a stressful day...
What a stressful day. My morning began with me fighting the alarm clock and getting a huge bolt in my tire on the way to work. Luckily, it didn't go flat until later in the parking deck and I was able to wait safely in my office for AAA. That kind of stuff just stresses me out. Growing up, my Dad always handled things like dead batteries, oil changes, flat tires, washing cars. Pretty much, all things related cars. He even used to take all of our cars on Sundays and fill them up with gas (mine, Mom's and M’s (my sister's)). I have been groomed to not react well to car issues. My Dad ROCKS! R has, reluctantly, taken over this role and no longer complains abut having to take care of my car. Anyhow, it started my day off on the wrong foot. Work has been stressful lately, too, and I am really jones-ing for a vacation. I know – poor, poor pitiful me. I will get over myself soon.
Last night I ended my post with my first failed IUI. I wanted to give the 2nd IUI her own post. But, instead, I am going to only give the run down and copy an email I sent to my supporters during that time.
The 2nd IUI we tried Letrazole instead of Clomid. The hot flashes were still around, but the Devil had somewhat left my body (read – much less terrible mood swings). The ultrasounds looked good and I think we did the HCG shot to trigger ovulation. We were hopeful, but guarded. Dr. D did the IUI again and pissed me off – he said, “Let’s make it work this time – help me out with my statistics.” I wanted to shove his statistics where the sun didn’t shine…I have since seen him and appreciate his bedside manner more. He’s a straight shooter and lets me really know his opinion. I digress. Anyway, he pissed me off and I went home and rested for the remainder of the day. I took it easy for a few days. And, I had different “feelings” the 2 – 3 days after than the first time. The following week I was suspicious, but guarded. I went to bed one night with a severe back ache at 8:15 – I am a sleeper, but I can usually hang at night and fight the morning sun. My Mom called me that night at 10 and I barely remembered talking to her. I went in for my beta, and low and behold – it was negative. I WAS PISSED! I hadn’t started my period and we had triggered early – so, this was something like day 30. I’m super regular, so, was really convinced it would be BFP (for you fertile ones – that’s Big Fat Positive). I cannot say that I have shown a whole lotta grace these past 21 months – and that was not my finest day. I let the nurse have it – asking all my levels – telling her that I would NOT see Dr. D again – like it was her fault, ya know? But, you know what they say about the messenger. This was the Thursday before Easter weekend. She “felt sure” I would start my cycle any day and to call her when I started. Monday morning – still nothing. I called. Had another beta. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT – BFP!!! (big fat positive). She was cautious, and told me to come back Wednesday morning for another test. In the meantime, she called me in a progesterone supplement. We were VERY cautious, as she had said she had never seen this happen before. We told our parents and my sister – sort of. We told them the test came back positive, but that they wanted to run additional tests to confirm. I think they probably could see through that smoke and knew we were just being guarded. I cried – of course – nervous tears and excited tears. I didn’t freak out about day care costs or being in labor – like I always thought I might. (I am a finance geek and terrified of pain). We thought of ways we would want to tell our parents once the RE confirmed my levels again. It was a nice 36 hours. On, Wednesday, our world tumbled around us – the nurse called to tell me that my levels hadn’t risen as they should and this was a bio-chemical pregnancy. Again, not the best day for me – Is grace-less a word????
Here is the email that pretty much sums up the devastation of my heart:
It’s probably pretty cheesy for me to send an email, but, I just can’t say things out loud that are going through my head and anyone understand through the tears.
Basically, I totally understand what is happening; why it’s happening and that it’s overall a good thing. We don’t want a baby that has something so terribly wrong with it that it would never have any kind of quality of life. Miscarriages are (in most cases) going to be miscarriages from the second of conception. I know it’s nothing I did, nothing my “levels” wouldn’t support, nothing Rob did, etc. I know the good news is that it seems the IUI can work for us. This maybe means we’ll never have to go through IVF, God willing.
It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m still so mad I could hit something. I’m so heartbroken that I can hardly breathe. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. I would be so happy if a new pair of shoes, a new bag, outfit, new hair cut, anything could make me feel better. But, only time is going to heal this one.
Jessy sent me an email right after Melissa died. It was one of the last emails Melissa sent to her. It was a forward that was called “Thank you Lord.” I have had it hanging at my desk since. I looked over in that direction today, and caught a line of it. It says, “If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.” Our first child will never take a breath of air and that breaks my heart. I know it’s just a bunch of cells right now, and will never have legs, arms fingers or toes – but to me, it’s my baby.
I’ll be better tomorrow and even better the next day. I just wanted you to know that I do love you each, very very much. I just can’t talk about it today. So, when you called, I just physically could not get my voice to work.
I promise to be better tomorrow. I am working on re-focusing my faith that God has a plan in store for us and that this will only make us stronger. This, however, is not a life lesson I ever wanted us to learn. I don’t wish it on anyone. The past 15 months have been so hard, the past 6 the hardest. We will get through this, though, and we’ll be just fine. I guess it’s the getting there that make you appreciate your destination.
Love you,Tara
The online due date calculators said I would be due on December 1st and the Chinese calendars said it was a girl. I mourn for her everyday.
Last night I ended my post with my first failed IUI. I wanted to give the 2nd IUI her own post. But, instead, I am going to only give the run down and copy an email I sent to my supporters during that time.
The 2nd IUI we tried Letrazole instead of Clomid. The hot flashes were still around, but the Devil had somewhat left my body (read – much less terrible mood swings). The ultrasounds looked good and I think we did the HCG shot to trigger ovulation. We were hopeful, but guarded. Dr. D did the IUI again and pissed me off – he said, “Let’s make it work this time – help me out with my statistics.” I wanted to shove his statistics where the sun didn’t shine…I have since seen him and appreciate his bedside manner more. He’s a straight shooter and lets me really know his opinion. I digress. Anyway, he pissed me off and I went home and rested for the remainder of the day. I took it easy for a few days. And, I had different “feelings” the 2 – 3 days after than the first time. The following week I was suspicious, but guarded. I went to bed one night with a severe back ache at 8:15 – I am a sleeper, but I can usually hang at night and fight the morning sun. My Mom called me that night at 10 and I barely remembered talking to her. I went in for my beta, and low and behold – it was negative. I WAS PISSED! I hadn’t started my period and we had triggered early – so, this was something like day 30. I’m super regular, so, was really convinced it would be BFP (for you fertile ones – that’s Big Fat Positive). I cannot say that I have shown a whole lotta grace these past 21 months – and that was not my finest day. I let the nurse have it – asking all my levels – telling her that I would NOT see Dr. D again – like it was her fault, ya know? But, you know what they say about the messenger. This was the Thursday before Easter weekend. She “felt sure” I would start my cycle any day and to call her when I started. Monday morning – still nothing. I called. Had another beta. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT – BFP!!! (big fat positive). She was cautious, and told me to come back Wednesday morning for another test. In the meantime, she called me in a progesterone supplement. We were VERY cautious, as she had said she had never seen this happen before. We told our parents and my sister – sort of. We told them the test came back positive, but that they wanted to run additional tests to confirm. I think they probably could see through that smoke and knew we were just being guarded. I cried – of course – nervous tears and excited tears. I didn’t freak out about day care costs or being in labor – like I always thought I might. (I am a finance geek and terrified of pain). We thought of ways we would want to tell our parents once the RE confirmed my levels again. It was a nice 36 hours. On, Wednesday, our world tumbled around us – the nurse called to tell me that my levels hadn’t risen as they should and this was a bio-chemical pregnancy. Again, not the best day for me – Is grace-less a word????
Here is the email that pretty much sums up the devastation of my heart:
It’s probably pretty cheesy for me to send an email, but, I just can’t say things out loud that are going through my head and anyone understand through the tears.
Basically, I totally understand what is happening; why it’s happening and that it’s overall a good thing. We don’t want a baby that has something so terribly wrong with it that it would never have any kind of quality of life. Miscarriages are (in most cases) going to be miscarriages from the second of conception. I know it’s nothing I did, nothing my “levels” wouldn’t support, nothing Rob did, etc. I know the good news is that it seems the IUI can work for us. This maybe means we’ll never have to go through IVF, God willing.
It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m still so mad I could hit something. I’m so heartbroken that I can hardly breathe. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. I would be so happy if a new pair of shoes, a new bag, outfit, new hair cut, anything could make me feel better. But, only time is going to heal this one.
Jessy sent me an email right after Melissa died. It was one of the last emails Melissa sent to her. It was a forward that was called “Thank you Lord.” I have had it hanging at my desk since. I looked over in that direction today, and caught a line of it. It says, “If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.” Our first child will never take a breath of air and that breaks my heart. I know it’s just a bunch of cells right now, and will never have legs, arms fingers or toes – but to me, it’s my baby.
I’ll be better tomorrow and even better the next day. I just wanted you to know that I do love you each, very very much. I just can’t talk about it today. So, when you called, I just physically could not get my voice to work.
I promise to be better tomorrow. I am working on re-focusing my faith that God has a plan in store for us and that this will only make us stronger. This, however, is not a life lesson I ever wanted us to learn. I don’t wish it on anyone. The past 15 months have been so hard, the past 6 the hardest. We will get through this, though, and we’ll be just fine. I guess it’s the getting there that make you appreciate your destination.
Love you,Tara
The online due date calculators said I would be due on December 1st and the Chinese calendars said it was a girl. I mourn for her everyday.
2008 - The real IF treatment begins
I feel this compulsive need to get this whole story off my chest. It'd just be way too long to be just 1 post. And, part of this story deserves her very own post. Maybe I will post twice tonight. I really want to get it out - like NOW!!!
Last night I ended my post with the beginning of 2008. We had an appointment scheduled with the RE and were hopeful we'd be that lucky couple that "WOW! We went to see a fertility specialist - and we were already pregnant!!" Yes, we know a couple that did that. They were convinced if we went for a 2nd opinion to that doctor, that magically, we'd get pregnant, too - just by making an appointment with her. WHATEVER. So, kept our appointment and went in on like the 8th or 9th. It was a Friday afternoon (R works nights, so, appointments are hard for him to make if at odd times during the day). We went and met with Dr. T. It was a little awkward - he's very mathematical - telling us all these percentages and "if this is the case, your chances would be x% - blah blah." It was a lot to take in. It just so happened to be the right day of my cycle to do some additional blood work that my OB hadn't completed. Ironically, they tested my FSH and Dr. T even said - "I am sure it's fine - you are so young for that to be the issue". We went on to discuss that we'd try the Clomid again and add IUI. This seemed harmless enough - and surely we'd be in the 33% who get pregnant within the first 3 cycles.
As I eluded to just a sentence ago, my FSH blood work came back the next day. The nurse called me and told me that my FSH was slightly elevated, which means that the quality or quantity of my eggs would be more limited than a "normal" 29 year old. What are the odds, huh? The conversation was a bit of a blur - I cried and the nurse told me not to worry - that we would figure this out and that IUI is a great option. OK - well, not so easy to just let that punch roll off your shoulder. My body had never failed me before - well - haha - for the last 12 months of my life, it had been - but not before that. Needless to say, I was pretty devastated and R was just trying to be as supportive as possible. We anxiously awaited my next period so we could try out this IUI business.
February came and so did my cycle. The devil Clomid entered the picture and Mrs. Hot Flash came back. I went in for an ultrasound and there they were - a couple of follicles! WOW! I peed on the ovulation sticks and called when I got 2 lines. We went in the next day. Dr. D (a new guy we'd never met) did the IUI. Then came the 2WW (2 week wait). We were full of hope.
The day of my beta, I went into the office after swinging by the DRs office. My nurse called me around 2:30 - all I remember is "I am really sorry". I cried at my desk and packed up my stuff and called it a day. I can't even remember that night - I am sure I drank a beer (or a bunch of them - if you know me, you know how much I enjoy a cold one). I know I cried a lot those first couple of days. It wasn't nearly the devastation we would face later. Our hope quickly renewed and we were ready to jump back on that horse. Bring on the hot flashes! The plan for the next cycle was to try Letrazole with IUI.
Last night I ended my post with the beginning of 2008. We had an appointment scheduled with the RE and were hopeful we'd be that lucky couple that "WOW! We went to see a fertility specialist - and we were already pregnant!!" Yes, we know a couple that did that. They were convinced if we went for a 2nd opinion to that doctor, that magically, we'd get pregnant, too - just by making an appointment with her. WHATEVER. So, kept our appointment and went in on like the 8th or 9th. It was a Friday afternoon (R works nights, so, appointments are hard for him to make if at odd times during the day). We went and met with Dr. T. It was a little awkward - he's very mathematical - telling us all these percentages and "if this is the case, your chances would be x% - blah blah." It was a lot to take in. It just so happened to be the right day of my cycle to do some additional blood work that my OB hadn't completed. Ironically, they tested my FSH and Dr. T even said - "I am sure it's fine - you are so young for that to be the issue". We went on to discuss that we'd try the Clomid again and add IUI. This seemed harmless enough - and surely we'd be in the 33% who get pregnant within the first 3 cycles.
As I eluded to just a sentence ago, my FSH blood work came back the next day. The nurse called me and told me that my FSH was slightly elevated, which means that the quality or quantity of my eggs would be more limited than a "normal" 29 year old. What are the odds, huh? The conversation was a bit of a blur - I cried and the nurse told me not to worry - that we would figure this out and that IUI is a great option. OK - well, not so easy to just let that punch roll off your shoulder. My body had never failed me before - well - haha - for the last 12 months of my life, it had been - but not before that. Needless to say, I was pretty devastated and R was just trying to be as supportive as possible. We anxiously awaited my next period so we could try out this IUI business.
February came and so did my cycle. The devil Clomid entered the picture and Mrs. Hot Flash came back. I went in for an ultrasound and there they were - a couple of follicles! WOW! I peed on the ovulation sticks and called when I got 2 lines. We went in the next day. Dr. D (a new guy we'd never met) did the IUI. Then came the 2WW (2 week wait). We were full of hope.
The day of my beta, I went into the office after swinging by the DRs office. My nurse called me around 2:30 - all I remember is "I am really sorry". I cried at my desk and packed up my stuff and called it a day. I can't even remember that night - I am sure I drank a beer (or a bunch of them - if you know me, you know how much I enjoy a cold one). I know I cried a lot those first couple of days. It wasn't nearly the devastation we would face later. Our hope quickly renewed and we were ready to jump back on that horse. Bring on the hot flashes! The plan for the next cycle was to try Letrazole with IUI.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Just another day...
Today I worked from home again. I am in the nasty habit of sleeping till 9:00 and getting online by 9:03. Brush your teeth as your outlook loads with the emails from the previous night. Put some yoga pants on with the shirt you slept in the night before. Shower? Maybe around lunch time, likely not at all. Work straight through lunch - enjoying an oh so flavorful Lean Cuisine as you passively listen to a call , instead of really paying attention. Work till 6 or so and then cook up some dinner. Nope - never leave the house. I did this the past 2 days and 3 times last week (and most of July and August). I DID, however, leave the house yesterday AND today! Yesterday, I went on a walk with a neighbor and today, I went to what was supposed to be tennis lessons with another neighbor, but the instructor didn't show. So, we went on a walk instead. It was nice. I really like my neighbors :) The weather here is cooling off - maybe we will really have Fall this year before! Tonight though, I've decided that if I am going to blog about my infertility, I should jump right into our story!!!
Around Christmas of 2006, I was about to the end of a pack of BC and we had a big trip planned to the Dominican Republic in February. We decided to toss the pills and avoid the "fertile" window in January. I was so concerned about not being able to drink at our all inclusive resort. How typical, right? So, I took my ovulation sticks on the trip in February (have I mentioned that my sister treats getting pregnant like a science experiment and gave me this website to get discounted ovulation sticks? she encouraged me to get some - not that it was a bad idea, M). Well, no positive ovulation reading - but, I didn't pee on them religiously, like I later mastered. I kept this up each month and saw a positive result maybe once. Seemed weird, but whatever - I probably just missed it, right?
Something wasn't quite right, so I made an appointment with my OB/GYN for July. I went to the appointment ready to ask my questions. I totally expected him to humor me and at least draw some blood. Instead, he said to me, "Your sister is our patient, too? She has a child? You are 28? You're a healthy girl - stop worrying. Don't stress. Go have sex and have fun." I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. THIS IS REALLY WHAT HE SAID. I made it to my car before crying. Was he serious? I am a total hypochondriac? After crying for a few minutes - I got MAD. Like so mad I wanted to march back into his office and ask him where he got off saying that to me. But, I didn't. I went back to work. I went home. And I threw out the ovulation sticks.
In October, I called the OB again. I, not so politely, said that I wanted to see anyone but "Dr. Your sister has a baby" and I wanted to see them now. I got in and went to see the next guy. I told him my plight and what had happened with "Dr. YSHAB (reference DR above)" and how upset I was and that I just had a feeling and yada yada. He gave me a list of tests he could run. Then he gave me a list of RE's that he would recommend, said R could have a SA and Oh! how about trying some clomid. "You can take it 3 - 6 months. I am sure it will be the solution." I decided to move forward with the blood work and take the Clomid. {Enter wicked hot flashes and mood swings!} All of the tests they ran came back "within range" (too bad I didn't catch which tests were included - not like I would have known what a normal FSH level was back then). By December, I was not encouraged and made an appointment with the RE for January. R had his 1st SA the day after Christmas- all seemed fine.
Enter the wonderful year of 2008. I'll fill you in on this roller coaster beginning tomorrow. It's midnight and I need to drag my sorry butt into the office tomorrow (translate - get up at 6:30 instead of 9- EEK!!). Plus, this post is getting obnoxiously long.
Around Christmas of 2006, I was about to the end of a pack of BC and we had a big trip planned to the Dominican Republic in February. We decided to toss the pills and avoid the "fertile" window in January. I was so concerned about not being able to drink at our all inclusive resort. How typical, right? So, I took my ovulation sticks on the trip in February (have I mentioned that my sister treats getting pregnant like a science experiment and gave me this website to get discounted ovulation sticks? she encouraged me to get some - not that it was a bad idea, M). Well, no positive ovulation reading - but, I didn't pee on them religiously, like I later mastered. I kept this up each month and saw a positive result maybe once. Seemed weird, but whatever - I probably just missed it, right?
Something wasn't quite right, so I made an appointment with my OB/GYN for July. I went to the appointment ready to ask my questions. I totally expected him to humor me and at least draw some blood. Instead, he said to me, "Your sister is our patient, too? She has a child? You are 28? You're a healthy girl - stop worrying. Don't stress. Go have sex and have fun." I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. THIS IS REALLY WHAT HE SAID. I made it to my car before crying. Was he serious? I am a total hypochondriac? After crying for a few minutes - I got MAD. Like so mad I wanted to march back into his office and ask him where he got off saying that to me. But, I didn't. I went back to work. I went home. And I threw out the ovulation sticks.
In October, I called the OB again. I, not so politely, said that I wanted to see anyone but "Dr. Your sister has a baby" and I wanted to see them now. I got in and went to see the next guy. I told him my plight and what had happened with "Dr. YSHAB (reference DR above)" and how upset I was and that I just had a feeling and yada yada. He gave me a list of tests he could run. Then he gave me a list of RE's that he would recommend, said R could have a SA and Oh! how about trying some clomid. "You can take it 3 - 6 months. I am sure it will be the solution." I decided to move forward with the blood work and take the Clomid. {Enter wicked hot flashes and mood swings!} All of the tests they ran came back "within range" (too bad I didn't catch which tests were included - not like I would have known what a normal FSH level was back then). By December, I was not encouraged and made an appointment with the RE for January. R had his 1st SA the day after Christmas- all seemed fine.
Enter the wonderful year of 2008. I'll fill you in on this roller coaster beginning tomorrow. It's midnight and I need to drag my sorry butt into the office tomorrow (translate - get up at 6:30 instead of 9- EEK!!). Plus, this post is getting obnoxiously long.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Hoping for a better tomorrow
I couldn't sleep last night. I thought that once I created this blog, that the words would just tumble out of my mouth. But, when I decided to take the plunge last night, I ended up in tears over just naming the blog!!!!
I finally decided on Divine Secrets of the Infertility Sisterhood. Mostly, because that is my favorite book. Another favorite of mine is To Kill a Mockingbird...but To Kill an Infertile Mockingbird just sounded a little suicidal, in my opinion. I like the Divine Secrets title though, as I have discussed with a friend how this infertility nightmare does feel like a terrible sorority that I joined, against my will. I feel like this sorority is hell week for an indefinite number of weeks - never letting up and always trying to crush me (physically, emotionally, spiritually).
This is my first (well, including my post last night, technically second) attempt at Blogging. I have to admit it's pretty intimidating - laying it all out there for the whole world to read. I am really hoping that this will be an outlet for me express feelings that I can't seem to speak. I hope that I won't be too intimidated to write my true feelings, in this medium where anyone can read about our journey, criticize choices I've made or be anything other than kind. I have write this blog for me - and only for me.
So, here I sit at my kitchen table, hoping that tomorrow I will cry less and write more. That I will start my period so that I can begin yet another month of infertility treatment. That I will not avoid calls from my friends who care about me because I find it too painful to even attempt to engage in a normal conversation. Here I sit, hoping for a better tomorrow.
I finally decided on Divine Secrets of the Infertility Sisterhood. Mostly, because that is my favorite book. Another favorite of mine is To Kill a Mockingbird...but To Kill an Infertile Mockingbird just sounded a little suicidal, in my opinion. I like the Divine Secrets title though, as I have discussed with a friend how this infertility nightmare does feel like a terrible sorority that I joined, against my will. I feel like this sorority is hell week for an indefinite number of weeks - never letting up and always trying to crush me (physically, emotionally, spiritually).
This is my first (well, including my post last night, technically second) attempt at Blogging. I have to admit it's pretty intimidating - laying it all out there for the whole world to read. I am really hoping that this will be an outlet for me express feelings that I can't seem to speak. I hope that I won't be too intimidated to write my true feelings, in this medium where anyone can read about our journey, criticize choices I've made or be anything other than kind. I have write this blog for me - and only for me.
So, here I sit at my kitchen table, hoping that tomorrow I will cry less and write more. That I will start my period so that I can begin yet another month of infertility treatment. That I will not avoid calls from my friends who care about me because I find it too painful to even attempt to engage in a normal conversation. Here I sit, hoping for a better tomorrow.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Welcome
I am jumping in....to blogging, that is. I've been quietly sitting on the bench reading other blogs and silently rooting for those of us out there who are going through this same battle. I hope that maybe I can help someone who is struggling, as other women who have been blogging on infertilty have been helping me.
About me:
About me:
- 29
- off birth control since 1/1/07
- diagnosis - diminished ovarian reserve
- with current RE since 1/1/08
- 4 IUIs - 1 positive in March 2008 - biochemical pregnancy and heart break
- 2 canceled IVFs
- currently waiting for my period
I am hoping that my "journaling" (albeit for the entire world to read) will help me sort through the range of emotions I can go through in a matter of seconds. I hope that I can work through some feelings and help myself gather perspective. I hope....
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