I'm an idiot and tested yesterday and again today. Of course, both were negative. it's too early. Still, I can't help being really disappointed. I don't know if I can do this again if it doesn't work this time. I didn't really consider it not working...and now, that's all I can think about. With Molly, I tested 5dp5dt and it was positive. that is tomorrow morning for these little guys. AHH. Off to CVS in a few to stock up on pee-sticks. Oh, and eventually, I need to get some work done today. It's 9:45 and I've been just basically freaking out and blogging since the nanny got here.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Day of Transfer
Wow - this cycle has pretty well flown by...I guess it helps to be chasing a 1 year old and working full time. It really just feels surreal. I'm kinda freaking out....transfer is at 11:30...I'll pick Rob up at 10:15 at work. Definitely gonna go get some McDonalds before, I'm wearing the same shirt as I wore for our transfer with Molly. I need to find something green to wear...and I'm hoping to sneak at least a picture of the Moo Bear with me. My mother in law is here, and no one but my mom and sister knows we are cycling. I'm still not sure what I'm going to tell MIL as to why I'm leaving.
My heart is piiter-patting and I'm pretty freaked out. I really want a sibling for Molly Moo.....
Friday, March 4, 2011
DOC 1
I had mixed emotions last night as I prepared my lupron stash to be opened this morning. I decided I would blog about this cycle, and just not post until it's over. We're trying to do this under the radar...wouldn't it be nice to actually be like a normal person and be able to surprise our families with some wonderful news? That's been the thinking. Then...(there is always a but or then...) last night I read the consents from the Dr. Wow...I never even thought about this cycle not working. I didn't realize the statistics are so low. We had initially considered only transferring back 1 embryo. However, after reading the statistics, I think we should definitely consider two. I guess with work and a very active 1 year old, I haven't really given much thought to cycling again. We just picked a month and decided to go with it. We haven't really even discussed it. This morning, I remembered that I needed to start my lupron after I'd been awake for almost 30 minutes. Previously, I've set an alarm to make sure I did it at the same exact minute every day. My, how things change.
I guess I'm trying to be as un-invested in this as possible to guard my heart. Perhaps, the thought of having another baby scares me half to death. Perhaps, I trust with my full being that He will get us there and if Molly is the only child we are ever blessed enough to have, then she is enough.
This much I know...we will be OK. It would be so wonderful to give Molly a sibling, but if we can't, then, the three of us are enough.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Getting back in the saddle
It's a new year...and the best year of our lives has come to an end. What a difference a year can make. A friend of mine said to me today as we were discussing how over the top Molly's birthday party is going to be, "I know it was an unbearable wait to have her, but worth every minute of it." I couldn't have said it better myself. I never believed any one person could love another so much to really lay down their life for them, but, I'd walk through fire day in and day out for that girl.
It's been a long time since I felt like I really *needed* to blog. I try to keep Molly's blog updated, since I'm so bad that I haven't written a single thing in her baby book. It's tough...I work on the computer all day, and the last thing I really want to do at night is to come back into the office and get back on the computer. Life has never been better or busier. I'm lucky to work from home and to work 4 days/week. Wednesdays I have Molly days :) Which sometimes turn into errand days, but, at least we do it together! Work, however, has never been busier and I feel like I'm being pulled in 9 million directions 24/7...with no real end in sight.
Life outside of work is really great...albeit more full than I would have ever dreamed. I finally caved and hired someone to clean the house today. It's such a chore and so not how I want to spend the few hours a day I have with Rob when the girl is asleep. I have a lot of help, I won't deny it. I'm super lucky and super thankful.
Today, I kind of let everything get the better of me and had a bit of a meltdown. Work is a constant stress, and my big boss is retiring at the end of this month. I love the "new guy", but, things just won't be the same. Have I ever mentioned that I am quite change-averse? Molly is turning 1 on the 12th of February...did I mention that the best year of my life has also been the fastest? I'm a total type A planner and am stressing myself out about the party. It's entirely too many people for our house, but I don't want to spend the money to have it at our neighborhood club house. So, we'll cram in :) I am still nursing, and the plan has been to stop at a year....I really have mixed emotions about it. Some days, I think it would be nice not to have to tote that pump around like an old ball and chain, and other days I cry thinking about not having that quiet time just me and my girl. We'll see how it goes.
I got my period for the first time over Christmas. Yes, you read that correctly. First period since May of 2009. Believe it or not, I barely noticed. However.....today I have a headache, my face is flushed, I have cried off and on all day....ah...PMS. What a bitch you are! I also called my RE today. Which also provoked more tears. Do I want to get back on that wagon? Do I want to just be so grateful for the awesome child God has trusted us to raise and let any other potential child be an "if it happens"? I don't know. I've always wanted a big family. A house full of tiny footsteps...lots of giggles....cheerios on the floor for the dogs...handprints on the windows. I just don't know how to go back to the cycling...the counting of days, the unbearable waits, the heartache of disappointment, the elation of those 2 lines.
I'll admit...I've counted the days this cycle already. I've peed on ovulation sticks. Have I ever ovulated without d.r.ugs? Nope. Did I this month? Don't think so. Is it disappointing? Absolutely.
Do I want a sibling for Molly? Without a doubt.
Will I continue to stress about it and cry over it and probably do it anyway? Probably.
So, here we are...Getting back in the saddle. May Dr. K be my knight in shining armor...one more time.
If anyone out there still even has me on their blog roll...please pray for my friend, Polly...who lost her father and her 3 embryos in the same week....and who is one of the strongest women I know.
It's been a long time since I felt like I really *needed* to blog. I try to keep Molly's blog updated, since I'm so bad that I haven't written a single thing in her baby book. It's tough...I work on the computer all day, and the last thing I really want to do at night is to come back into the office and get back on the computer. Life has never been better or busier. I'm lucky to work from home and to work 4 days/week. Wednesdays I have Molly days :) Which sometimes turn into errand days, but, at least we do it together! Work, however, has never been busier and I feel like I'm being pulled in 9 million directions 24/7...with no real end in sight.
Life outside of work is really great...albeit more full than I would have ever dreamed. I finally caved and hired someone to clean the house today. It's such a chore and so not how I want to spend the few hours a day I have with Rob when the girl is asleep. I have a lot of help, I won't deny it. I'm super lucky and super thankful.
Today, I kind of let everything get the better of me and had a bit of a meltdown. Work is a constant stress, and my big boss is retiring at the end of this month. I love the "new guy", but, things just won't be the same. Have I ever mentioned that I am quite change-averse? Molly is turning 1 on the 12th of February...did I mention that the best year of my life has also been the fastest? I'm a total type A planner and am stressing myself out about the party. It's entirely too many people for our house, but I don't want to spend the money to have it at our neighborhood club house. So, we'll cram in :) I am still nursing, and the plan has been to stop at a year....I really have mixed emotions about it. Some days, I think it would be nice not to have to tote that pump around like an old ball and chain, and other days I cry thinking about not having that quiet time just me and my girl. We'll see how it goes.
I got my period for the first time over Christmas. Yes, you read that correctly. First period since May of 2009. Believe it or not, I barely noticed. However.....today I have a headache, my face is flushed, I have cried off and on all day....ah...PMS. What a bitch you are! I also called my RE today. Which also provoked more tears. Do I want to get back on that wagon? Do I want to just be so grateful for the awesome child God has trusted us to raise and let any other potential child be an "if it happens"? I don't know. I've always wanted a big family. A house full of tiny footsteps...lots of giggles....cheerios on the floor for the dogs...handprints on the windows. I just don't know how to go back to the cycling...the counting of days, the unbearable waits, the heartache of disappointment, the elation of those 2 lines.
I'll admit...I've counted the days this cycle already. I've peed on ovulation sticks. Have I ever ovulated without d.r.ugs? Nope. Did I this month? Don't think so. Is it disappointing? Absolutely.
Do I want a sibling for Molly? Without a doubt.
Will I continue to stress about it and cry over it and probably do it anyway? Probably.
So, here we are...Getting back in the saddle. May Dr. K be my knight in shining armor...one more time.
If anyone out there still even has me on their blog roll...please pray for my friend, Polly...who lost her father and her 3 embryos in the same week....and who is one of the strongest women I know.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
4 months old!
Molly is 4 months old! Click here if you are interested in hearing my gushing about my sweet little one!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Coming Back Out...
Dude...this password protected stuff is for the birds. This blog has been a great source of strength for me for a long time. If someone wants to read it and doesn't like it...well, I'm sorry. Freedom of speech and all...
In all honesty, this blog has a lot of very raw, very intense emotions splayed out for all the world to see. I wasn't always (ha! EVER!) very nice or compassionate or self-less, etc., when struggling through infertility. However, I hope that maybe there is someone out there that needs to know that she has a sisterhood out here...that there are people here that have lived through it...and are still breathing on the other end...where ever that "end" may be. I hope that my words can help someone feel less alone in their struggle.
With that said...I'm back :) And, I'm glad to be out of the closet (again!)!
In all honesty, this blog has a lot of very raw, very intense emotions splayed out for all the world to see. I wasn't always (ha! EVER!) very nice or compassionate or self-less, etc., when struggling through infertility. However, I hope that maybe there is someone out there that needs to know that she has a sisterhood out here...that there are people here that have lived through it...and are still breathing on the other end...where ever that "end" may be. I hope that my words can help someone feel less alone in their struggle.
With that said...I'm back :) And, I'm glad to be out of the closet (again!)!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
1 year ago today
This morning (5AM) as I was nursing my sweet girl, I realized that a year ago today was our egg retrieval that resulted in our pregnancy with her. Today's June 1st is quite different from the June 1st of 2009. I am actually more emotional about it as we hit the 1 year mark of our conception and the long awaited 2 pink lines. What a difference a year can make...
A year ago my blog post read:
I have a funny feeling...and I think it's Hope creeping back in. I thought she'd long since abandoned me...given that I haven't seen a glimpse of her in what feels like months. But, I think she may be slowly trying to edge back into my life. I must admit, I would prefer to keep her at bay and protect my damaged-enough-already heart...
So far, we've had decent, dare I say good, fertilization reports. I'm starting to *hope* that we will maybe have 1 or 2 to freeze.Its been strange not talking incessantly about this cycle with my friends. However, its been a nice break for my heart. I've just been coasting through, kind of in denial that its even been happening. I sit here now, on pins and needles (and a heating pad), waiting for more news. *Hoping* that month 30 of this journey, in my 30th year, will bring us the miracle we've been hoping for all along.
My favorite moments with Molly are those like this morning...where we are together in the quite of the hours before dawn, just the 2 of us. My heart melts when she puts her tiny hand on my breast as she nurses. She'll sometimes look up at me - mouth full - and smile while nursing. It's those moments that make the journey through infertility seem so far away and ease the pain that consumed those years.
As we look to the future, I know we will go through difficult months again when we try to have another child. I pray that I can channel these moments with my Molly girl and realize it will all be worth it.
Wherever you are in your journey, I pray that you find the peace and happiness that Molly has brought to our hearts.
A year ago my blog post read:
I have a funny feeling...and I think it's Hope creeping back in. I thought she'd long since abandoned me...given that I haven't seen a glimpse of her in what feels like months. But, I think she may be slowly trying to edge back into my life. I must admit, I would prefer to keep her at bay and protect my damaged-enough-already heart...
So far, we've had decent, dare I say good, fertilization reports. I'm starting to *hope* that we will maybe have 1 or 2 to freeze.Its been strange not talking incessantly about this cycle with my friends. However, its been a nice break for my heart. I've just been coasting through, kind of in denial that its even been happening. I sit here now, on pins and needles (and a heating pad), waiting for more news. *Hoping* that month 30 of this journey, in my 30th year, will bring us the miracle we've been hoping for all along.
My favorite moments with Molly are those like this morning...where we are together in the quite of the hours before dawn, just the 2 of us. My heart melts when she puts her tiny hand on my breast as she nurses. She'll sometimes look up at me - mouth full - and smile while nursing. It's those moments that make the journey through infertility seem so far away and ease the pain that consumed those years.
As we look to the future, I know we will go through difficult months again when we try to have another child. I pray that I can channel these moments with my Molly girl and realize it will all be worth it.
Wherever you are in your journey, I pray that you find the peace and happiness that Molly has brought to our hearts.
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