I always thought you will hold my heart like a fragile glass. I always thought that you will not even let me have a teeny scratch on my heart. you said you would never break it. why? i trusted you. i may have asked like who were you out with or whos that. but not once ive doubted you. everyone tells me never be too sure and i always stood up for you because i thought you were different. its a slap on my face and a stab in my heart. the last time my heart felt so terrible was on nov 6 and the aftermath. why does my heart feels like its being stomped on now? WHY?!

why?

Curiosity Killed A Cat

My heart sank and broke when I saw what I saw. Tears flowed at 4am and the heart wrenched. I have yet to catch a wink since. Why now? Why did I check? Why? The pain is unbearable when it is caused by the person you love. When it is caused by the person you decided you can grow old with. I'm a person with high expectations and I don't like to settle for anything less.

I don't understand why you just don't get it. When you really love someone, you don't do anything to hurt the other person or even jeopardize the relationship. If i mattered, you wouldn't have been insensitive to my feelings. If I were your top priority, you would have at least mentioned it to me. If you treated me as your best friend, the person you wish to grow old with, you should have said and not wait till I find out. You don't stab and kill and apologize thereafter to say you do not know you were holding a knife.

I hate it when I feel so vulnerable and subjected to such weakness. Skipping work shouldn't have happen in a crucial week like now. I'm so stressed up with work but I did not do a single bit today. Not a call picked up, not a call called. I just want to lie on the couch and stare into the ceiling. I just want this nagging tug on my heart strings to go away.

6th Day of Twenty Ten

2010 went past and I asked if i have lived my life that past 1 year.

lets see, i

• survived the heartache of nov 2009
• went through high and low in my sales
• got closer to my colleagues
• felt more belong than before in office
• felt a little left out from the girls
• have a niece
• became happier and more grateful for life
• traveled
• partied
• cried
• laughed
• worked

I think i did. i lived. 2010 was good and i know for a fact that 2011 will be a blast!

for 2011, i will

• have moderation in everything i do and that includes smoking and drinking
• be true to my self and everyone around me
• keep all my catty comments to my self

2011 will be a year i hope i will be better than before. a better person i shall work towards.

2011 will be awesome.

You, heartbreaker.

it has come to a stage where i feel the need to keep to myself. a lesson i should have learnt earlier.

Darkness Of The Heart

I am very upset right now and yet I am unable to use words to translate what I am feeling. Words will not do justice.

History Is In The Making

sleepless nights give you the extra minutes to read the entries from 2005 till date. 5 years worth of my life. memories flooded as each event was recalled. wow.

I'M A FIGHTER

Hero to Zero

I have never felt so lousy in what I am doing. Sales are slow and I did not hit my numbers in May and most possibly June. Even on my first running month, I was there. Right at the top of the list. To face this fall, is painful. I try to keep my spirit up and stay motivated. But really, it isn't easy. The only thing I am sure are my doses of nightmares of work every night. If this carry on, I will die :( I will perish into thin air. I should run away.

Thankful

If you are reading this, this is for you my friend :)

frustrations beyond words

ARGH

25 And Counting

25 never seem to be an age I will ever reach. At least that was what I thought. And then it hit me, I am 25. Where have all those years gone?

It feels like just yesterday when I was still in my NPCC uniform marching under the scorching sun and polishing my boots whenever I am free. It feels like just yesterday I was throwing cakes on the track and cleaning it up using rubbish bins with my girls. It feels like... just yesterday. Now, hours and days just go by like watching sand slipping through my fingers. There is nothing I can do but watch and hold the sand in my palm as best as I can. Panic attack I hit as I try to live each day.

Have you ever feel that you have so much to do yet nothing is achieved? I guess I am experiencing just that the past 2 weeks. So much for wanting to live like a champion everyday. A champion never say c'est la vie as one will never allow self to resign to any predicaments. Yet, a champion wannabe often questions how to be a champion. I am guilty as charge and more often than not, wasted time in the process.

They say it is not the outcome that matters but the process. Be contented and enjoy the days that go by I try to convince myself. But I end up asking am I settling down and accepting what is ahead or am I seizing every moment like it is the last? I don't know. I am just freaking out that I am 25.

Questions to self: " 1)What do you want? 2)Where do you want? 3) What do you want? "

On one hand, I want to be a nomad and see the world and seek peace and joy in my heart. On the other hand, I want to lead a very comfortable life and break free from normalcy. How can these 2 ideals convex to one me? I used to believe that I can work hard, save and pack and go. I guess I forgot that time is not on my side when I had that vision. Then I told myself that I can still do that and wait till I am 50 before I scoot off to my own paradise. But travelling with a walking stick and pains in joints with every step I take does not seem such a cool idea. Alas! Life.

I just want to be happy. A 5 letter word that is beyond my comprehension. 25 indeed spells a mid life crisis with sprinkles of panick, panick, panick.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

i'm just a girl

i am not saint and i cant save the world. why should i scrimp and save just to lend you the money? i worked so hard and i cant even bear to buy a car or a chanel just because i need to have savings to lend you. i am not ready to take on the world and i am just a girl. has anyone took pity on me and asked why have i been eating instant noodles or $2.70 chai peng? absolutely no. cos i am just an atm.

i am so tired. i just want to quit and join the work and travel programme for a year. but i cant.

i feel so alone and im tired of fighting this alone. im tired of feeling depress. im tired of being alone.

i'm so scared. i'm screwed.

i dont know who to turn to and no one can help.

ive tried praying and can only pray that my prayers are heard.

HUSH HUSH

and so my body waved the white flag and in exchange, i've got 5 colourful pills to pop thrice a day.nice. perhaps the body is mourning for the 7k loss from my pocket for a stupid mistake i made. sucks. i've never ever spend more than a thousand on myself and now 7k out. my heart is crying. wails. oh well, serve me right.

and so i called the boyfriend today and demanded him to buy me lunch. this is close to impossible because

1) he is ten thousand miles away

2) his china line doesn't allow outbound calls

3) he was rushing for meetings

but being the great girlfriend i am, i insisted food to be delivered. i mean i have never demanded anything and being sick simply made me more whiny and needy. i guess this is not too much to ask. and so an hour later, macs was delivered and zaizai and i were happy stuffing our faces. nonetheless, poor boyfriend had to deploy his friends in singapore to call 6777 3777. this definitely has touched my vulnerable heart.

but as they say, good things never last. now, the heart feels like raising the white flag too. tell me, what future should i envision to convince myself that spending years apart is not detrimental to a relationship. i feel that we are two individuals living apart, growing apart.

zero defense

falling ill makes me weak. not forgetting more vulnerable and whiny and bitchy. certainly does not help when my tantrums were greeted with unloving words. i guess it has just escalated to cranky level 10. yeps, no one can make me better except myself. seriously, i only need myself.