In my hypothalamus

So it’s been about 2 months and a week since husband’s voyage. Sure doesn’t get any easier the second time round, but one sure gets more prepared with the experience gained from the first. Not much of anxiety because we already knew what to expect, but how do you shake off this feeling of … I don’t even have the words to describe it. Can’t say lonely cos I’m truly not, and it’s definitely not sadness because that’s too negative. Nothing about being with my husband is negative in spite of the massive distance.  You know they say you can’t change reality, but what you can do is make the best out of it. Couldn’t possibly think of a silver lining behind our circumstance, but I think this time apart’s what’s best for us. It wouldn’t have been written the way it was otherwise.   I honestly think we are so lucky to have each other. So blessed to have a husband who is patient and kind. We’ve had so much plans for the future and I am truly looking forward to each and every one of it if...

Chosen a random photo just for this post because, why not? It's been about more than a year and a half since we got married and I am so, so blessed and grateful for this wonderful life. Not saying married life is anyth but perf but really, we are still a work in progress. & if Allah wills it, may we have a long, happy and healthy life ahead of us. My dear husband, thank you for working so hard for us. There are times when you have to be away for long periods of time and I know that it is the way it has to be for years down the road. It is the path you have chosen to take way before you even met me, and I respect your choice and the reason behind it. I truly admire you for your courage and bravery. As much as people think it's gonna be hard on me to be away from you, I know it's even harder for you. I've got our friends and family with me while you're away, and the closest thing you'll ever have to a family is just all the crews onboard. I don't even know...

(Cr: Pinterest) My last post was in May 2020. & it's Feb 2022 now. A lot has happened since! I got engaged in Sept ‘20, got the keys to our house on Dec ‘20, got married to the love of my life on Jan ‘21. It’s been a year since we got married but even up til now, I am in complete utter disbelief that I have finally settled. I mean, wow. Alhamdulillah.  I’m grateful for such a wonderful husband. Indeed, Allah swt  knows best. I woke up each and every single day feeling so blessed to have a home, a family, a loving husband and most importantly, very kind and lovable in-laws! Dear Allah, you have given me so much more than I could ever ask for. Thank you.

(Cr here ) I've been wronged, heavily accused of things I didn't do, being called names and bullied. I don't recall doing anything so severe to receive such vengeance and extreme mental torture being inflicted upon me. All the subtle shade, all those times being intentionally left out, all those times spent evaluating my self-worth. That moment you realised where you really stand in spite of everything that you've invested kept you awake in the middle of the night. I don't know how people sleep at night knowing that somewhere, someone out there is feeling hurt by everything that has happened. Yes, it takes two for whatever that's happened and I admit to all my mistakes too, but I have never went to the extend of ill-wishing someone or to even call them names? Irregardless, we have extended out our sincerest and heartfelt apology. Eventhough we aren't really ready to do it, we summed up all the courage and pushed our ego aside. We took the first st...

Cos I bury hatchets but I keep maps of where I put them First post for 2020 but it's not gonna be good. Find myself engulfed by negative vibes, yet again. Not sure if it's a fair trade in terms of the stuffs that were exchanged, but I was surely outnumbered. I knew it's a lost cause the moment I realised that I am the only one on my side. The backlashes I received from the onlookers is totally uncalled for. Words used against me were so harsh, I spent days wondering if I really deserved any of it. Maybe I did deserve such cruelty, because afterall, who am I to feel appreciated? In the words of a nonbeliever, I am just a small person who could easily perish. I wished that nonbeliever knew how throughout my whole life, it has been the only thing I could ever want. My whole life I was made to feel like I was nothing because no one has truly fought for me. So I kinda know where I stand in this big, big world. This has been affecting me for days. Penning all these...

(Cr here ) Past few days has been extremely tough and totally excruciating in every way possible. Gonna privatise every part of this ordeal. For those with access, do read by clicking here .  Was at my absolute lowest. Had waking nightmares, slept intermittently and woke up every single time hyperventilating, lost all the appetite to eat, and was literally having panic attacks when it was time to go back to the place where it started. No doubt that I brought it all upon myself and I prolly deserved all of this. Just the thought of it makes me shudder right now. I just want to be cooped up in my room and curl up like a baby. I feel so incapable of all the responsibilities. I feel so inadequate. I had hoped that the ground would open up and swallow me whole. Up to this point, I somehow still wished it would. And it's not because I couldn't face the consequences, but it's because all these negativity is so overwhelming, it's eating me up inside. I don't ...