Big and Stupid

In a facebook group that I am a member of, a discussion popped up about what we found attractive in a man (at least the women and gay guy...lol).  I came clean about loving a guy who is big (beefy) and maybe not the sharpest crayon in the box.  Today I had an experience that verified that belief.

Following my lap swim at the gym, I took to the dry sauna.  I was enjoying the heat, when low and behold a walking wet dream opened the door.  This guy was build like a brick wall.  He was smooth, but I was willing to overlook that. :-)

After setting his stuff down, he asked if he could pour a little water on the rocks to increase the steam. No argument from me as I wanted to see this guy get all hot and sweaty.  He mentioned that he was an MMA instructor (cut to me picturing him in those tight shorts the fighters wear) and that sweat was a great way to get the toxins outta the body.  Mmmmhmmm. Sure. Anything you say.

I asked what he did for a living.  He's a Polk County Sheriff's Deputy.  SCORE!!!!  He's hot, beefy AND a cop!  OMG could this get any better?

Unfortunately not, as we continued talking....

I told him that I was a math teacher and he responded that he loved math because you always got an answer.  Ok, digging this guy a little more.  Then he goes on to talk about he really loved debate and that he could debate any atheist and make them change their views.

Uhhhh, what?

At that moment, the dream died.  Turns out he was a raging evangelical.  Didn't believe in evolution and, from his comments, was very much not a fan of the President.  He was very full of himself and how clever he was.

I never mentioned that I'm Eggnostic (I'm not saying there is Egg Nog.  I'm not saying there isn't Egg Nog.  I'm saying we just don't know.  --- Max on Happy Endings).  I also failed to mention that I was gay and that I'm indeed married.  I'm sure he would have loved that.  I wasn't looking for a debate in a sauna where I was pretty sure that my turkey timer was ready to pop.

Oh why couldn't he have just been a nice, simple guy that I could have had considered a future ex-husband?

Sigh......

The Starting Point

Photo from July 16, 2013, around 8 am.

So this is where I'm starting.  There are times when I feel the "number" is like a weight around my neck.  No matter how much I have lost or gained over the years, I always come back to it.  

I'm gay and I've battled with my self-image since adolescence.  While other guys participated in sports and dated, I was battling my own doubts about who I was and burying my feelings with food.  To this day I still continue to battle those self-doubts and food has always been there for me.

For 25 years I've not given myself permission to lose weight.  I've never gotten over being that scared, in-the-closet teenager.  I've never allowed myself to be the person that deep down I have dreamed of being.

In the gay community there are many "classifications" of gays.  The kind of guy that I have idolized, that I have dreamed of being, is a "muscle bear".  "Bears" are basically gay guys who are larger and have a lot of body hair.  Guys who work to take care of their bodies (and have said body hair) are called "muscle bears" - that is the kind of man I crave to be.

But I have to be realistic, this weight didn't appear overnight and it's not going to disappear overnight. It's going to take a hard work and dedication.  It's going to take me waking up every morning and rededicating myself to becoming THAT man.

Today during my workout session with Kyle, about 30 minutes into it, I wanted to half-ass it. But then I realized, I do that, and I'm just wasting my time. It was at that moment that I created "Beast Mode". Every workout, every training session, every physical therapy session, I go into "Beast Mode".  Give it everything I have for that time.  No.  Matter.  What.

Yesterday my Mom and I went to lunch at a Chinese restaurant.  The following was my fortune.  It couldn't be more appropriate to my journey....

in bed.  :-)

Just Keep Swimming

Today I had my very first swimming lesson.  

For the past two years I've been having trouble with my lower back.  In December of last year I was diagnosed with a bulging disc.  I've been in physical therapy off and on since then and have also been working with a personal trainer to lose weight (more on that later).

Swimming is a no-impact exercise that I thought would be a great way to take the pressure off my back. I'll be honest, I thought it was going to be easy.  I mean, it certainly looks easy enough when others are doing it.  

A coworker of mine, Kecia, offered to coach me on how to lap swim.  She met me today at the Ames Racquet and Fitness pool and was there when I hopped in for the first time.  She asked me to swim one lap so she could see how I swim.  MYLANTA it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I had not idea how to breathe.  There's a big difference between racing someone to the other end of a pool and actually swimming a lap.  

Kecia was very helpful and encouraging.  She took me through some exercises to help me improve my form and breathing.  I have homework over the next two weeks to swim as many days as I can.  Her last instructions to me were, "Just Keep Swimming".

It felt wonderful being in the pool.  Even though I was struggling, it just felt right.  I truly wished I had started this sooner.  Plus there was a really hot guy swimming in the lane next to me.  BONUS!