beginning of an end

it was apt for me to walk through the corridors of kkh dressed in a polo tee with jeans, as i headed towards the paediatric secretary to submit logbooks. having lost my labcoat and other medical paraphenalia, i felt the freedom of not being associated with the hospital, of not having to always remember that my actions counted for something to the sick patient and their families. i was like any other, another visitor to the hospital.

i'm a sucker for such sentimentality as today marks one year of clinical work and the end of my third year in medical school. the hiatus is a short three weeks of unfettered holidays, with nothing academic to worry about, and a carte blanche to fill the timetable with whatever frivolous and fanciful whim.

this is the start of the crazy season, when you see your friends flown off to the poles of the world, and people indulge in activities they otherwise wouldn't without this newfound luxury of time. it is a season of rushing from one place to another, of packing suitcases or of fretting over how best to stretch the period and occupy with something special. the transcience of the holiday intensifies the insanity; we are always chasing fleeting time.

for me it is an all too familiar feeling of being lost with this sudden change in environment, of not having important things to do, and not having to go through the routine which we complain about but quietly are thankful, for it frees us of the responsibility of choosing wisely and miserly what to do with our existence.

the finish of a year as significant as this should be heralded with some aplomb. it has been a year with as much fear as contentment as sadness as frustration and to have come out with that shred of dignity and a modicum of hope is for me enough to take some pride in. yet the anti-climax greets me, resonating with thoughts of what now?.

how does one spend 3 free weeks between a year of madness and stress? with irresponsibility as a reward for the past year, or with quiet contemplation and reflection towards the new one?

my greatest fear is how to spend 3 weeks and not look down despondingly at time not well spent.

lost seconds

days like these go slowly unnoticed, paled by the grander occasions that appear more significant. days like these which transition from one stage to another, when the sense of foreboding permeates and fills the air so strongly that all there's left to pass the time is to listen to melancholic songs, simply just to plug the gap.

it is the vacuum that weighs down that period after the momentary high, the crazed laughter and the dizzy joy. the feeling of senselessness and loss as the scrambling for something meaningful takes off once again, some new project to occupy the mind and direct its destructive nature away from itself.

merry christmas!

i'm grateful that this year i got to spend christmas in a more special way than the last, even though work/school seems to be far more sapping this time round. and now looking back i am thankful to my cell group for spending christmas with me. not just once but 3 times over the past few days. i shall remember the huge turkey, the crazy christmas photos and everyone sitting around watching the nativity story. and then, the candlelight service, singing christmas carols, and the whole congregation waving their candles left and right. and finally just being at church together on christmas day.

2 thoughts

i used to enjoy going overseas to the point of being willing to leave everything back here and live life in that new exciting foreign environment. but nowadays, there is too much to do back home, and too much baggage left behind. i figure it's a mark of growing up and leaving things behind give me some sense of safety and security. and maybe identity; i have built my identity too much around what i have at home.

on another note, i'm beginning to feel the exhaustion of not having had a break from school/work for close to half a year now. it's a taxing thought, always having a scrutinising test peering over at every turn of the year. time breaks down. what are months and weeks when all is measured relative to the next test?

this post will not make sense

i had quite a lot to eat for dinner today. half my family is not home and my mom did the usual, over-buy on the sides so tonight i had tofu cubes, some tau pok with chicken stuffings and ngor hiang. all this on top of wanton noodles. you can imagine that i'm feeling rather full at this moment, not only with food but also with the sort of guilt that always strikes after and never before a meal.

my dad used to comment that japanese food would usually leave you feeling hungry again in a matter of hours, though i've never quite bothered to question his assertion. hence if i had been eating jap, there would probably be no need for any worry. no need to take any affirmative action to deflate the bloatedness. sadly, it was not a japanese meal that i had, and hence my current grumble of dissent.

not with a bang but with a whimper

i want the world to stop, and pause. just enough to catch my breath, to separate the cacophony of sounds that have blurred together, to distill the suddenly thick unforgiving air. but the cars still zoom swiftly by, with their busy destinations to reach. the piano continues playing, a beautiful tune lost to calloused ears, racing towards the final diminuendo. the world languishes oblivious to those slowly fading within it, rolling on with as much certainty even as those fading become nothing more than glimpses of a vagrant shadow. it seems almost cruel, to turn the key even as the gears slowly come undone, willing the mechanics forward, tooth against tooth, pushing and tugging, anguish grinding under the strain of locked jaws of metal. yet it pushes just enough to will the unmoveable beast forward, inch by inch, flogging those hind limbs into function and alas into motion.

december

it seems almost negligent to feel this nonchalence despite the first ca of this academic year taking place in 4 days time. it really has been quite an eternity since the last written medicine test, not counting the clinical examinations which are a different matter altogether. how odd this feeling of idleness. i'm sure it's fueled in part by the knowledge that about now, most other students in singapore would have finished or nealy finished their examinations. also it's nearing christmas and as the lights sparkle down orchard road, so does my mind wander. i want to be overwhelmed by christmas cards shopping for presents for my friends. i want to start planning for christmas get togethers. i want to be excited about my church's candle-light service. i want to prepare for this season symbolic of the gift of love.

i don't want to have to think about tests.