counting the days.

I was in a congregation of about 100 people. It was a session where people just raise their hands and speak whatever they wanted. I felt anxious and at the same time, angsty too. As I listened to them, I feel like I need to speak out too.

And so I raised my hand and was granted the wish to speak. Cleared my throat a little, and started voicing something..And I swore. I don't swear in my life, but if I did, I probably don't say it out loud, I tell it to myself in my heart. But out of the norm, in front of so many people, I swore.

I remember seeing their facial expressions upon hearing what came out of me. I am short, and is normally reserved in a large crowd. That scared me a little. But it took me little time to realize that I said something really wrong. I showed no respect and manners. I was literally waiting to be disciplined because I know how my family is against foul languages, and this time I did it in front of so many people, I know Im in big trouble.

And so, I figured out a hundred ways to apologize, to say that I didn't mean to swear. But they didn't seem to work out because none of them is perfect enough to let them understand my situation. Then one thing surprised me, my parents didn't say anything, at all... Instead I see their supportive faces reassuring me that it is okay.

What is wrong?

All kinds of emotions started building up in within me, fear mostly, and regrets.

I wanted to say something but I couldn't. Then I lost memory.

Hours after that, it came back into my memory. I thought about it and wondered if I really swore so badly in front of so many people.

Until i realized, it was all only a dream. So surreal, so terrifying!

But above all, I thank God that it wasn't real. I can't stand the shame and regrets!

I am not a genius, I would never be one. But I worked hard, and make sure that I don't waste my parents' money when they can afford to put me through private Pre-University, and I did Australian Matriculation. Mind you, this course is not as easy as it sounds as it requires consistent revision ans never ending stamina. There were times when I felt like I was at the end of the road but by God's grace, I was able to pull through.

I want to have a chance to study a degree, more preferably with a scholarship. I failed to apply for JPA when I was in the states because I was tricked. Before I flew to Iowa, the AFS officers discouraged us to apply for any sorts of scholarships. Before this I thought they were just making sure that we will complete our semester there successfully and so I took their advice to heart without thinking twice. Little did I know, my friends who were with me did not listen to the advice and made their moves to Washington DC for JPA interviews etc. It was by then that I knew that I was to naive to listen to them, while one of the AFS worker's daughter went to DC for the interviews too. I feel tricked and discouraged, and I felt like people would just do anything to make sure that their missions and aims were completed and reached, regardless of the well-being of other human beings. I was stupid to believe in them, and they did other things too, which frustrates me, but I would not mention it here.

You know what is more frustrating to know? Seeing your friends who went on the same exchange as you get offers from the local government while you watch and listen in pain. All I could do at that time was to hide my anger and sorrows in my heart. I waited for everyone in the house to be preoccupied with something else and I slid into the bathroom to take a shower. I turned on the hot shower and wept so hard, I blamed everyone, I wanted to swear loudly at their faces. I feel cheated, no I WAS cheated. I don't see the point of seeing another person's life crash in front of you and not offering any help. You know I need the scholarship more than anyone, more than the MARA scholars. Moreover, I am ever ready to work hard, if you could just give me a chance..

Another incident was coming up, and I was waiting impatiently everyday. I have the grades and qualifications. But still, knowing the local government and the quota they provide for non-bumiputeras, I could only pray and hope for the best. Matriculation. That was my only chance and if ever I get it, I would not waste my chance to save money for my education. When I found out that I was offered a place, I leapt for joy and you could not imagine how thankful I was. I also cried but because my family and friends in the states did not understand my situation nor did they make any effort to understand it, I kept quiet. Joy is overwhelming, but it is the other way round when you don't have anyone to share it with you, or when you have evil forces right at your neck. The intake was on May 12, if I am not mistaken. I would still be in the states! It wouldn't be for another 2 months until I will be back in Malaysia!

So my father drove all the way up to putrajaya to appeal on my behalf. I am ever grateful for his efforts and love, although they did not pay off. Our government didn't want to leave a place for me, because frankly speaking, they did not like the way I look. I have fairer skin tone than them, and I don't have "binti" in my name. My mother tongue is not Bahasa Malaysia. Another painful one-I scored better than their race.

When I received the news, I almost fell apart. I cried so hard but I was afraid that my eyes would be swollen and people would notice and ask me about it. I sweared in my heart, asked a million "whys" and felt lifeless. I am a Malaysian! I was borned in Malaysia! I have lived here all my life! I went to public schools since the day I started schooling! I studied Pendidikan Moral and Sejarah for the sake of SPM! And I got A+ for both subjects including BAHASA MALAYSIA!! Darn it don't you have any eyes?! I endured so much and this is what you gave me? You just slapped me right in my face, saying that it was too bad I am borned a Chinese? Do you want me to turn the other cheek too? It was worst as no one in the states understand my situation. Imagine living all alone and begging for help when no one understands you.....

Time, it healed me a little. I tried not to let all the sorrows and pain get in my way and continued life as a normal high school kid who just want to have fun. But deep inside, the wounds were still fresh and I am slowly drifting away... God caught me and I want to trust in Him. For all things, give thanks.

I came home almost healed when I heard another breaking news. Another friend who went on the same program was in the same dilemma too. But she fulfilled the requirements set only by the government of Malaysia. So instead, she kept her place. Imagine all the scars felt painful again all at the same time? They cracked.

Back home. 2 weeks later, I had the opportunity to talk to my teacher, who is now in the Local Matriculation as a lecturer. He asked me about my life and all..and we started talking about my education. It was then that I found out that they allowed third batch intake(!) for the Malays. Those places were previously given to the Chinese but for reasons such as 1. they were offered better scholarships and left and 2. people like me who couldn't make it to intakes and 3. plain rich people who don't have to consider about their education finances. Oh please, if you already know that you are not going to accept the offer, why apply in the first place? You would only give them more chances and excuses to slid in more of their races!!

I was already home when the 3rd intake happened.

Persecution, is what this is. Could you give me another word other than this?

Racism.

Selfishness.

Arrogance.

Heartless.

...

I should thank them for shaping who I am today, my thinking and my mindset. I am able to explore more and see more, leaving hatred behind for a while. You are stuck forever in your naive nutshells or some, eggshells. For me, I have freed myself, thanks to you. Although I still hope for a place in the Local University, I know my chances. Once more I put my hope in you. I dare myself to trust in you again, after all that you have done. I am suffering but that's alright, because I know that success doesn't come without pain. I am willing to put my heart up for bet once again. And I dare myself to let you tear open my scars. If you really do, then I have nothing else to say. They say once bitten twice shy but looks like I am the exception. I will proudly sew them back and this time, leaving no scars.

For when God opens doors, no one can close them.

Friend's sending me a present from the states! I am just overly excited I cant wait! AHHHHH!!!

Another thing is, Im just so glad that she remembers me. It makes me feel so good to be loved :)

Now Im thinking of sending presents too..but I have to see if I have any suitable presents.

Presents better come faster! I am waiting for you!!!!

SO happy right now

I should have known earlier that

you wouldn't care.

Im disappointed. Im sorry.

why does it have to be that way

why does it have to go according to the world's view

why

cant

you

be

d.i.f.f.e.r.e.n.t. ?

Thought I've found something special in you

guess I was wrong

again.

we're back on the same track

where

we met for the first time

..re-calculating..

just like the GPS

and we called her the female tyke

Until you realise

忽然想起了我哥

还记得小时常因意见不合吵了无数次

因为两人脾气都不好

但他始终都是我哥，

所以不管怎样都还很想他。

我姐呢。。可说是世上最好的朋友了 :')

难过什么的第一时间就想到她

开心时就会想跟她聊。。

只有姐会给我最现实，最真实的劝告。

不会拐弯抹角，对我最真心。

呵呵 但我也常叫她请我吃东西，

cupcakes 啊什么的

常都因为疼我会买给我 :")

不会跟我计较，

跟姐在一起时最自在，最开心。

可以什么都说不用担心。

我好想回家，

想自由地不用天天对着一行行的字

吃妈煮的饭

穿妈洗的衣。。好香

两个月没回家了啊..

爸说很期待我考完试，

期待我回家 :)

我也好兴奋，

马六甲是我很熟悉的地方

加油！还剩两科

一共六天，

我就暂时自由了!

Thank you Jesus for your love.

Hannah

Put your trust in the Lord, and He will guide you through.

I pray for mercy and grace.

And also for peace and wisdom.

Amen :)

" We always remember our children in our prayers :) "

One word of encouragement,

I feel very warm inside.

Though you might eventually find out,

No one can motivate me

but myself

Even if you are shouting and yelling at me

the most I can do is to nod and say yes.

It's hard when the odds are all against you

But it's comforting to know that

The Lord is my provider

Students, I understand how much courage we sometimes need. For me personally is to open up a book and read all my mistakes, mistakes that reminds me how incompetent and imperfect I am. The other thing is to get back our papers after we have suffered and sweat so much, to find that we didn't do so well, that we have disappointed no one but ourselves, and maybe our parents and those that really care.

We all need a little courage, to step out and reach out so that we can grow. I am still learning, though it hurts when memories of the past comes and haunt us. We can't do anything but to bite our teeth, hold back the tears and walk through the storm, no matter how far until we find a way out.

I am not a philosopher, not a teacher, not perfect. But I write what I learnt, and I do hope that you can share your knowledge too. *Sharing is caring* hahaha!

lots of love,

Hannah

Mostly I'll just keep to myself, sleep the day off, hoping that tomorrow I'll feel better. But it doesn't work all the time. So what do I do then?

I feel beaten. One obstacle and Im down. Why am I so weak?

I want to be stronger, so that nothing but God can bring me down.

Do I deserve all these luxuries when I already disappoint you?

I don't, and Im still thinking straight.

I hope for nothing but a life that glorifies Your name. But I have been doing so badly in my life that I feel worthless, do I even fit to do Your will?

Im imperfect, but my flaws always cost me a lot. I don't whine because I am imperfect, I just don't get how I can be so clumsy and make so many mistakes.

Most of all, Im disappointed at myself. To the extent where I don't even have the courage to stand up again. What if I fail again and disappoint my family again? I can't even bear to think about how they would feel. It's excruciating.

Im in pain.

3. Have been really down because of pressure, though I must admit that most of them are peer pressure. Especially when it comes from friends that you are particularly close to, and you really do care about them. I have nothing else to say about this, but to keep quiet and act as if nothing has ever happened before.

4. I finally came to the full realization that everyone has a purpose in life and we shouldn't compare ourselves with others. Example when you see people flying overseas to study and you wonder why are they so fortunate and you are still stuck here with nothing better to do. Well let me assure you that God definitely has His plans for you. All you need to do is stay faithful and loyal. Nothing is too difficult for Him. Amen.

5. I should always give my best in everything, no matter what. Life is hard, but just be sure that God is always there for you. His plans for you are divine and not human-like, He can bring you up so that you soar like an eagle in the sky. Yes with Him all things are possible. Just trust in Him.

6. Tell Him you heart's sorrow and burdens and He shall deliver you from your sufferings. He will carry you, just like how He took all the sins of the world so that we can have eternal life. He is real and He is God.

7. I have been struggling with my future plans since Ausmat is finishing in 2 months. I get scared when I think about my future and how aimless I am. Although I am still struggling, I know that my Father will lead me, every step of the way.

Lots of love and blessings to you,

Hannah