christmas!

it's christmas and i am not feeling tt excited at all. who will when u have to book in so early at 2030. outing trips have been a disaster! no one seems to be available to hang out w. blame it on my lack of slp too, zonked out so early, leaving no opportunity to create some late chances. it's too late!!

havent been updating this blog for almost a month. cool isnt it. i hardly have any time to waste when i am back home. let's no talk abt life inside the complex. it is really complex. having great fun every night n in the day w some ppl keep "disturbing" u. i really dun wish to scold and yell at anyone. but it is jus too bad. someone jus keep irritating me. not tt i am angry, jus tt it's a too complex feeling to describe. some guys are jus troublemakers even though they dun wish to be. blame it on nature.

thanx to this wonderful experience in the complex, i missed out many opportunities to hang out w my friends who seem to be free only on days tt i am not. wat a coincidence! blame it on the timing. since i've been doin so much shit for the past month training on recruit, mayb i shud jus UP all the way n earn myself some award.

thanx to the two swt ppl who sent me christmas cards. surprises are jus wat i need this christmas to inject excitement to my "no-lifer" lifestyle.

someone feels the stress..

1 wk in camp.. new expectations.. new challenges coming up.. (sounds so cheezzzzzy) and i dont think i am in the right frame of mind to handle the uncertainties yet.. it is quite frustrating to admit tt u are weak.. which is wat i am doin now.. this feeling's horrible.. i am supposed to be mentally strong, able to face any obstacle w a smile..

this sounds contradicting, i do appear to be smiling and optimistic abt the life ahead.. it is easy to fix tt it will be over soon.. everything will be jus fine mindset.. however, when i am being true to myself, i am quite afraid to handle ppl under me who always challenge authority or watsoever as described by the higher ranking and experienced ppl.. i do see wat coming up will be exciting and fun.. but i know it will be quite a challenge to avoid the "extras" which are lurking arnd to get attached to me.. jus hope for less.. of cos best never!

friday night was annoying.. book out supposed to be a happy thing.. coming home and knowing my aunt was visiting at night really turned me off.. and i got wat i expected i would get when she arrived.. talking to me abt med applications when i was totally not interested in tt topic after a wk in camp.. this life i am leading now is dull and boring.. i somehow lost my cool again (which is v normal) and made everyone unhappy..

sometimes ppl jus dont understand certain "instructions".. my mom told my aunt to keep away from tt topic.. sigh.. sat wasnt really fruitful too.. a boring day at home.. woke up early.. the internet was playin pranks on me.. showing me attitude.. on and off as it wishes.. singnet.. thanks for coloring up my wkend w fiery red..

when one is weak, the need for love comes in.. when tt comes in.. i am screwed.. it is impossible to remove her out of my mind for now.. seriously i duno wat i want.. irritating.. feel like calling her but lack the courage.. or shall i say i cant find a good reason to call her.. but do i need a reason to call her if she is my friend? if there is something holding me back, isnt tt implying i dun see her as a friend or else i would have jus called her..

everyone is busy w his/her daily routines.. i really dun wish to disrupt anyone's by askin them out.. i hope to meet up w ppl.. but now everything seems so formal.. askin ppl out requires booking in advance for sarah's case.. or else i always hit the nail when i request till the pt (now) tt i am tired of askin ppl out..

physical training in camp distracts.. mayb i should use tt to distract myself from all these unwanted trouble in my life.. 14 dec.. countdown to the day when i meet the new ppl.. hopefully they arent too wild for my liking.. how i am supposed to control ppl w authority when i hate ppl to control me? seldom cooperation comes without control (mostly using the fear factor).. i shall look intimidating.. hail qk the great!!!

swift and deadly
first and foremost
i am the great
dnkn!

new entry

it's been quite a while. 3 wks of starlight. another 2 wks in camp.

starlight was an eye opener. it really feels like outfield n less of the simulation. climbing hills, walking through plantations. enjoyin food in a foreign land. tryin out exciting rides in amusement parks. experiencing free fall etc. no wonder sg au said aslc was fun.

rifle stunned by OC. CDT as reward, burnt my last sunday in sispec. lol. 1 wk of parade rehearsal got me sunburnt. the parade was excellent, even my dad was there.. for the first time. i guess they felt good to see their son achieve something. pride. SISPEC with pride we lead.. if they felt good, everythin was worthwhile. family comes first, u see..

posted to 1SIR. quite strange though. i always thought tt a PR like me, who wasnt really "on" and "up" in training would end up in BMTC. lol. nvm though, goin unit training men. time to "so called" lead. more or less being fierce to ppl arnd u in order to let them obey u.

erm.. i am not emo now.. somehow i dun have much to write.. some other day den.. cya

tonnes of stuff

LIFE

the mood/morale at home is somewhat low and quiet. grandma's down w serious illness. i do consider myself unfilial not knowing exactly wat's wrong w her, i din listen attentively enuf when my mom first broke the news to me. i dun think it is v appropriate to ask my mom abt it since she's greatly affected by this incident. she's callin back everyday to check out on the status of my grandma, her mom. sigh. if i din hear wrongly the other time, my grandma's got some blood accumulation in the head or something. it is a serious case. the guys in the house become more sensitive in times of crisis like this. my dad's nonsensical remarks have gone down and i am more tolerant of my mom's never-ending inquries of my life, convo w ppl. my dad's flyin back to take a look at my grandma. my mom wants to go back too, but circumstances dont allow. mayb it sounds ridiculous but i can understand the dilemma of my mom. she jus cant go back. seein my mom in this state now really hurts. at least we are tryin to make life easily for my mom. tts wat a family is for. jus hope tt my grandma recovers really soon.

celebrated my dad's bday in advance today. my mom smiled. i can see tt the smile was embraced w joy. the dinner distracted my mom from her current problems n freed her from her anxiety. we had an enjoyable meal. i appreciated this meal v much, mayb due to jus coming back from field camp when i was deprived of many wonders of life.

NEW EXPERIENCES

the wk of isolation from comfort had made me realise certain facts of life. firstly, normal, plain water tastes sweet. really sweet. we were in shortage of water for the entire morning, everyone was working under the hot sun, slowly dehydrating. when the truck brought in the water, everyone was celebrating. deprivation works wonders! anyw, it wasnt jus me, but quite a no. of ppl commented tt the water throughout the 3 days tasted sweet, a lil sweet.

secondly, i guess we shudnt take ppl for granted. tts to staff ong. anyw, we do appreciate u but when the lazy bug comes, no one wants to work. i hope the platoon can give u the standard u want in future.. but really, u are a nice guy.. even though u always ask me to shut up. it was really funny when u keep whispering "f u, f u, shut up, f u fker" in my ear. lol

NOW

i dun really feel like slping. when i slp, the nxt thing i noe is when i wake up, it is time to pack stuff n book in. i dun really want to go back in camp. the freedom is too tempting. naive thinking ah? i guess it is jus a desperation move to delude myself - i am not wasting my civilian life on slping.. let the slping be done in camp?!

actually i dun really wanna go taiwan, if i got a choice, i would rather go back china w my dad to visit my grandma. sigh. jus hope tt my mom stays happier. i'll try not to let her get worried abt me.

a short break

a short break - a few hours of rest at home n i will be back in camp again. bookin out on sun morning n bookin in sun night, i guess i am too stoned to complain anymore, or i've temporarily matured again. jus do watever tt comes in ur way n hope everyone is happy.

sat's activity was not so tiring for me as compared to the rest of my section. i am glad i went to see the doc the day before, not to get status but to seek treatment for my coughin prob, it wouldnt be nice if it lasted thru the field camp coming up tml. but after yst's walking in the rain, i guess i din manage to recover in time. it is jus too short a rest.. haha

i signed out for 10 NVG. luckily only 1 had minor problems with the accessory. jus need a statement. i am quite pleased w myself. haha.

at least for now, i've completed 32k n got myself a combat skills badge.. not bad.. time to go

is there any place which is meant for me.. at least for now?

week in week out, PLC and home are my 2 frequent hangouts. the former drains your energy, degenerates your youth and wasting your life away with countless times of non-stop waiting. waiting has become an art, from bslc to aslc, the lvl has increased a dozen folds. i can understand y ppl dislike totalitarian societies. it is jus the case in the normal military context, the higher one sits on the hierachy, the more powerful he is. everyone listens to him even though his orders are insensitively stupid and inflexibly sadistic. uncle sam.. this is the second time this nickname i heard so far during my service. in bmt, uncle sam is 1SG who refuses to punish anyone physically while in sispec, uncle sam is some warrant with his unique set of values. his understandin of care for soldiers is kind of limited but i do acknowledge the fact tt he still has it in him. anyw, i guess he is caught between the rules and welfare for trainees. he has his dilemmas too but for now i seriously cant be bothered by tt.

as for home, i am beginning to dislike it too. returning home for jus 1 day every week means tt i dun really have any feelings attached to it. all i feel now is tt home is a place for me to get away from camp. away from regimental life, but i am sure my mom knows how to remind me of life in camp, reducing my own kind of freedom to her style. reminding me to settle uni application stuff. when the uk deal is halted, now she bugs me w the irish deal, i cant blame her or my aunt who seems to be the driving force behind all these "troubles".

i wonder who i can blame for all the misery i am goin through. of cos misery is a word too harsh and powerful, i cant think of any other word which has the same meaning but on a tone-down scale. anyw, mp3 player is sort of banned. wat gadgets can entertain me for the nxt 6 days? live firing is on monday, (my sat is wasted waiting for those who fired on sat to return to coy line) the gd deal is tt i am appointed as 2ic. no flanking, jus firing and there is a chance of using the grenade launcher. well, try to stay happy. 32k march n river crossing coming up. sigh. it will jus be get dirty n get over w it. it will be over soon. time flies even though u watch time past slowly as u wait.

reminiscence

my mom fixed the com.. the com which has been dead since last dec.. the data in the com arent destroyed.. looking at the files, the songs - reminded me of the days before A lvl.. the songs i used to listen to.. my sudden interest in chinese music.. the fm2006 game which i was proud of during tt time.. deicide game which i gave up after goin back to china.. total club manager 2003 which still contains my laros - goal scoring machine.. but these are all the past.. the present isnt bright..

delta.. i couldnt find the source of the quote but one high authority commander in delta once said HOPE IS FREE.. i guess i can hope for all i want n i wont get wat i hoped for.. i will not Out Of Course.. i will complete this ASLC no matter how fked up it is.. my left knee is accumulating stress recently.. i dont have enuf rest to recover.. yst when jumping up the little slope and landing on my left leg, the knee hurts more..

my temper has been adjusted.. i am nicer to my parents.. i think mayb it is due to the short time spending tog.. problems always surface on the long run? haha.. i hope things remain this way.. i duno wat has gotten into me.. i found weeloon really irritating yst.. using the word sad for no fking reason.. sad cos his eyesight isnt tt gd n mistook someone else as yien.. sad cos he has a sun navigation ex and off in lieu on monday.. sry but wtf? at least his wkend burnt is returned.. thanx sham, u jus noe how to take.. learn to give back..

qk rules - confidence building up? qk stop lying to urself!!

i am back home again!

how would i describe this wk? time wasting.. inefficiency.. promises not met (betrayal).. signs of inhumanity.. stupidity.. and once again this word i have been using frequently.. Demoralising..

time wasting - self explanatory.. it has always been like this.. there arent any changes made.. it was left to be like that all the time..

inefficiency - it has been another significant symbol of the force

betrayal - when they make promises and say they will do something for us.. it is jus packs of lies.. they wont do it.. they will ignore you when you try to alert/notice them abt the issues..

signs of inhumanity - no nights outs and intention to bring in extra training even after wasting half a wkend of the trainee..

stupidity - calling out all the 190+ names, alerting the trainees on their details, after that stated he will paste the detail sheet on the board for the trainees to look at them..

demoralising - witnessing others having nights out.. witnessing others having canteen breaks while i have to prepare stores..

today i had hours of free time doin nothing n listenin to conversations of others.. "i cant take it anymore" was all i could say when i overheard a group having an intellectual talk abt maths n abt infinity and how wonderful certain ideas are.. how walmart, google are goin to be powerful.. how they monopolize their business.. bla bla bla.. sry for this ignorant comments coming up - so wat if others can monopolize business.. u cant do a thing to stop them.. since some alr mentioned more capital will eventually make you last longer thus giving you an advantage at the start.. so it is quite impossible to turn the tables.. lamenting/feeling excited how zai these companies can monopolize, wat can it do? it isnt practical to help u in anything.. i will be really appreciative if those ppl could stop discussing on a topic which will not end up on any conclusions.. i need some peace.. basically men are selfish.. i need my peace.. (i state tt i am not against any of those ppl in the discussion.. jus tt i dun like some of their accents..)

on the bus back to civilisation.. i saw groups of foreign workers (in their hostels) coming out to have fun on the fields.. playing cricket, soccer or even having a hair cut.. i see them like us NSF.. compelled to work with low pay.. having communal living.. a cluster of males enjoying the weekend out tog.. having fun and enjoying w minimal resources.. basically a break from the mundane and I MUST EMPHASIZE the "forced" lifestyle can really satisfy a man.. poor foreign workers..

i have been missing her slightly recently.. i guess after the uncomfortable and dirty trainings and msgin potential replying personnels, only she replied.. n quite quickly in the midst of studyin for an exam.. i guess it's her nature to reply others if she gets a msg.. a habit.. a habit i am appreciative of.. although there isnt much for us to sms abt.. the reply was sufficient to feel much better..

my mom fixed the com.. great.. =D actually i oso duno why it is great..

soccer!!

yst's soccer was wonderful!!! wonderful!! wonderful!!!

mayb the game wasnt really tt spectacular as i am describing it, but it was really fulfiling since the goals, the assists and the style of play i played yst was wat i always believed in.. the tactics worked.. the partnerships worked.. everything worked.. it was really satisfying..

weeloon scored 2 amazing goals.. a volley and first touch shot.. i provided both assists.. the kind of play i believed in.. drawing defenders to me n provide space for my teammates and providing them w a pass.. the build up to the volley is magnificent.. i dun mean to praise myself but the luck was there.. juggling the ball n challenging for aerial balls w 2 opponents for a while n finally heading the ball to weeloon to unleash a volley into the goal.. the nxt was turning n holding up the ball on the left of the court, drawing 2 defenders to me again, spotting weeloon free, passing the ball to him w a backheel.. he left the keeper stunned w a first touch tap in..

my partnership w weiheng was there even though we din tog for like ages.. the usual "cb pass la" prompted me to backheel him the ball n he rammed it home.. woohoo..

i oso scored quite a number of goals.. a solo effort from the right side of my court, cutting diagonal to the left.. the straight to have a one on one w the keeper.. ole the keeper.. woohoo.. the usual weeloon long ball.. controlled it for one on ones.. my poaching instincts din fail me too.. capitalised on some gk error.. lol.. i feel so fresh to play soccer..

the encouragin thing was to hear the oppo singled me out to mark.. lol.. ppl recognised me as a threat.. i love tt feeling.. ego boosting!!!

maf was nice, hanging out w the usual crowd back in jc.. happy 3 frens gave me 3 happy small tortoises.. thanks.. although i duno wat i can do w the tortoises.. but i really appreciate the gift..

had supper w cy, val and marcus at 5star chicken rice.. had a bus ride home w val.. it was so JC liked.. it used to be a routine now it is jus once in a blue moon..

i am booking in.. i feel happy now.. hope it continues for the rest of the wk..

goin back

this wk, i have been emotionally unstable.. after the insomnia spell, i finally went to slp after watchin all the GTO dramas.. too shag to think - jus slp.. this is bad for health.. but i dun think i have any other choice, for it is already over..

spent my day watching films, dramas on crunchyroll.. all the weird films, hk, jap, korean etc.. some are really interesting while others are jus plain dumb? i wonder how they can decide to film somethin lidat e.g. prince of tennis.. all the stunts and tricks in anime transformed into real-life action.. dot dot dot, wat else can i say?

i've slpt enuf today.. in the morning, in the afternoon.. later at night.. i guess i will be charged up for the fucked up delta.. mood - adjusted alr i think.. but delta remains fked up.. i dun care..

i miss myself.. lively.. not much worries.. talkin rubbish in sch everyday.. disturbing others.. playin soccer.. let me try since i jus listened to 一路向北, so 不要 kb.. 6 days will pass quickly.. i have alr given up any hope on any fri book outs.. this brings back memories of her, my constant changing of my stand to accommodate, to make me feel better.. less the expectation, less the disappointment..

i muz be strong, cant let ppl to worry abt me, esp my mom..
heal me.. i can only depend on songs now..

insomnia

i guess this time i have to admit i am really affected by NS..





i duno if this is depression, but i really dread the idea of returning to camp.. esp delta.. those days when i had to book in for BMT or BSLC, it never felt this bad.. to think tt this is only end of wk zero.. i must be true to myself.. I HATE DELTA





there are times when i try to think tt it is jus abt endurance.. jus think positively and be optimistic abt the nxt 11 wks.. i seriously cant find a reason to do so.. pardon anyone reading.. FUCK YOU DELTA..





i dont think i am unreasonable here demanding welfare.. but for the effort the coy had put in.. we deserve some form of benefits.. NS is famous for screwing up my plans and schedule.. it is the same this time, i spent so much free time doin applications and in the end, it comes to an end due to my saturdays taken away by live firing.. or the taiwan trip.. initially, i dun think i have any right to complain since it is fated, unlucky to have those time slots.. but the OC's behavior this wk clearly demonstrated he dislikes us to have free time.. bastard.. to hell w u, at least for now..





back in camp, there will definitely be ppl telling you to face it.. u feel u are mentally weak not standing up to the "delta challenge".. others in camp or outside will encourage u to put ur mind off it.. it is really impossible..





my mom doesnt understand me too.. the impression she gives me is tt i cant slp due to the uni applications, she even asked me to check the email on the replies of irish uni.. sigh.. y cant she jus feel for me a little.. we are jus nt in sync.. she cares for me but she is always not thinking w me, assuming wat she thinks is right.. all parents are like this.. u jus cant help it..



FUCK YOU DELTA.. it feels abit better..

纳闷

- can anyone suggest the english equivalent of these 2 chinese characters?
- can anyone suggest another emotion status for my current condition other than these 2 chinese characters?
- can anyone suggest how delta OC should function so that the coy's trainees, including me wont feel the effects of these 2 chinese characters?
- can anyone suggest..?

getting the beret marks another milestone of my NSF career. the pay is still around 50 cents per hour.. so it doesnt really help much when u think u've jumped 2 ranks.. nowadays, ranks are quite worthless unless u reach somewhere near the top..

we did reach the top of the elephant hill after a 4km fast march. the field pack felt much lighter maybe due to the even weight distribution (for once).. the marching pace was really fast, somehow i managed to keep up enduring the pain in my right shin for the initial part.. i even overtook a guy in front of me (i'm in the 3rd row.. lol).. i guess he lagged behind due to the pace.. everyone is for himself, sry, it's a harsh fact.. i tried to "encourage" him to cover up.. but if he couldnt do it.. then i guess die out if he must.. finally the last part of the steep uphill slope was really tedious.. reaching the top was really nice, at least i watched the sunrise.. the beret presentation was secondary, well it was just a show put up by the SAF to mark the promotion of PTE to CPL, in the end, u are still a trainee.. what's the big deal?

the march back to coy line was motivating, thinking of the breakfast, bathing n our well-deserved rest.. the happiness was short-lived. OC decided to take us on a short (2k) run.. followed by a clean fatigue SOC.. take it as training to build up our stamina.. the stupid part was to disturb the other ASLC coy by running to their coy line and perform the stupid the warcry.. if the OC finds joy in disturbing others and to show (wayang) his coy's enthusiasm and unity.. sigh.. maybe he has his own way of thinking - but i couldnt bother less..

the depressing part was the inability to book out on fri night.. given the no. of sat confined due to various "live" trainings.. OC wanted to give us cohesion games.. the idea was there.. but the execution was really messed up.. if he thinks it can gel ppl together, i really applaud his imagination.. low morale soldiers will never achieve the objective easily.. it takes much more effort to get the same results compared to high morale trainees.. i think he understands tt idea but as i've said again, his execution is screwed up..

i can just 'happily' live w this delta coy.. =D is no longer there.. =S is appearing everywhere..
i really appreciate the chinese coming up with the 2 chinese characters UP UP there..

delta sends me home - devastated

timeline of delta

0700 - reached
before 0800 - someone got pumped for talkin in the bloody file
arnd 1030 - 5 ppl booked themselves guard duty this wkend.. thanx to OC n a slpin guy..
till 1800 - lots of cleaning, distribution of stores, settling the admin stuff.. delta sends u home for a rest.. telling you abt the schedule of the nxt day n the following.. set standards for 6km run tml to 36mins.. failure means stay back n train on sat.. i guess i wont fail..

devastated - applications will have to stop now.. i wont make it.. delta's scheduling of live firing, live explosives etc etc on sats.. only the 1st 2 sats are free (which may be replaced by training for failure to meet their standards).. btw, this sat isnt supposed to course week.. zzz

tts the end of wat i can do.. tts the end.. jus hope my aunt dun create somethin for me again.. i can hope for the best to happen.. actually i am quite at loss since i think i've put in some effort in this jus to noe tt NS has screwed up my plans again..

sorry, blame it on me - akon

you could blame on me.. you could blame on me

finding peace

it had been really long since i last posted an entry. I had lots of stuff to blog about for the past few weeks but the mood wasnt right. let me think what i have to say before i go to bed now, tomorrow is a brand new day whereby DELTA awaits me.

after last night, i became quite emotional suddenly. all the annoyance of administrative work and the prospect of spending 11 weeks in a stupidly regimental company disappeared after a night's rest. i had been watching bleach for the past few days. fighting for your love ones, fighting for your friends. forget about the fighting technique, they are jus the usual anime style, the plot is really not bad, no wonder people like bleach.

i completed watching 大清风云, all the fighting for the throne leads to the realisation of 1 thing - all you need is love. in the end, everyone will die due to age, illness etc. jus live your life happily and enjoy it with your loved ones. sibling love, love of lovers, motherly love, the secondary needs of human is fame and power. primary needs still revolves around emotional needs - love.

well i guess i have an idea how i should act when i am in the new company with new people around me. spread the love. dont be selfish. dont show any that stupid attitude of mine. even if it doesnt benefit me, do it if it benefits others. when others slack, try not to join in the fun. new resolutions. hopefully i am determined enough to follow what i preach now on this virtual platform. qk is great. he is great.

friendship. weeyin the violent winnie. this part is jus for you if you so happened to read it. it has been 2 years or so and amazingly we still keep in touch. i cant help it to tease you about being violent especially when it is an universal truth. no doubt you are gentle at times but sorry to annoy you again, you did give me a punch. a punch which began this so called friendship. wth, this is freaking emo. i am going to cry!!! anyways, talkin to you yesterday helped a lot. the content of our conversation and how i've changed has got no relevance at all. but at least, you are there to "entertain" me. i guess you are the only one who will stay up so late, and not on stealth mode for me to "disturb" when i am in the best of moods. thank you. sian this is too emo again, i started crying already!!

wth again! it's 1:30. 4 more hours left for me to sleep? ok goodnight folks!

once again, qk is great..

surprises

once again, i've passed out.. bmt din manage to do the 24 km route march.. bslc only did 16km route march thanx to TSR.. it was surprisingly exhaustive for the 16km, my left shoulder blade aches and my rib cage hurts somehow.. w a headache before the march, it doesnt really help.. anyw i completed the 16km.. those who marched 28km deserve my respect..

posting came out.. aslc.. sigh.. 8/11 in the section got it.. morale isnt v high.. a switch from lacking in discipline to a highly regimental company.. sian.. need to train up pushups.. discipline = pumping.. sigh..

basically it is plain demoralising to serve..

unpredictable life

a wk of few ups and lots of downs, tts wat i call unbearably painful..

field camp is taxing, physically n mentally.. there are ppl whom i cant really understand.. wat exactly are their attitude towards me.. i've told myself wat ppl think isnt really impt but it is impossible to let those things affect me..

i wonder if i am becoming more irrational (due to lethargy) finding those comments offending or it is really offensive.. i choose to believe i am jus too tired to distinguish n assume it means no harm.. or i dun wanna explode suddenly to offend someone.. but i jus got this feelin tt those comments arent friendly..

reasons one gave is bias, the tough part is whether to assume it is "jus joking".. but tt facial expression obviously tells me "no".. i duno if i can still take anymore of kbing from d person who becomes unhappy when i kb back.. if it is for mutual kb fun, i wont mind those crap but it always tend to go one way.. i shall jus tolerate for the nxt few wks.. hopefully i wont lose it during GRAND SLAM.. but if circumstances force me to.. i jus hope the damage is minimal.. anyw, he's my other bed buddy..

if i am finding myself in trouble w so many diff ppl suddenly, then it may b my own problem - unable to interact w ppl well.. do i need to change again? i cant understand y ppl tend to get so piss off when 1 gets picked by PC for OCS.. i think he "deserves" it even though there are ppl suggesting he is jus wayang.. he has tt leader style.. one can be selfish.. actually all ppl are selfish.. they only help those whom they think deserve help.. he is physically fit, when role playing, he does it well.. so i really dun see any reason y they dislike him getting selected.. well, i think i shud go back to my PRACTICAL ways again.. y shud i fk care? supporting or disliking him doesnt benefit at all.. i live for no one.. qk is for himself..

self-reflection: i jus think my tone isnt gd when i talk to ppl.. it sounds hostile i guess.. i shall live by my new motto: practical - get things done n fk off

peer appraisal is stupid.. humans arent supposed to be ranked.. n the ranking system isnt going to show an accurate representation of the reality.. forget it.. i am getting affected by it again..

my aunt + my cousin who came back from england for holiday + my parents gave me another round of talking, urging me to get started on applying for overseas MED.. i shant use "overseas uni" cos my aunt insists on MED only..

it is jus being practical again.. MED ensures u haf a job in future.. i am "pressurized" to write personal statement etc etc.. isnt tt extra workload? i really have no mood even to think abt it.. but they "forced" me somehow to say yes.. a no means more persuasion, i cant lose my temper - it isnt worth disrupting the harmony in the family becos of tt.. anyw, i want to be mild when i am civilian.. always be "nice"..

imissu2 - begins w missing a person, hoping tt someone is missing me too.. now, it's got a different meaning, i miss my freedom to do watever i want.. no need to "wayang" to make ppl happy.. i am a person w multiple personality.. a personality for a situation.. tiring, isnt it? am i a hypocrite? i aint sure too.. but i live by my vaules - do not hurt others in any way..

knowing n making friends w the kilo 2ic is really special.. ppl "teasing" me i have a godfather in camp.. sayin tt i got myself a backer.. childish ppl..

ok.. i am too zzzzzzzz to write anything intelligent.. but as usual i will end this entry w my self-praising!

qk rox, he's the best
wat an incoherent entry!!

another entry!

tt entry before this is more of KB.. now the gd stuff!!
national DAY!!

went sch for soccer.. played against senior class.. freaking fun.. i finally played tog w weida chengyen marcus n anthony.. the team we always played tog as during j1.. at first the 'feel' wasnt there at all.. we were 3 nil down damn fast.. i missed a free 1 on 1 opportunity.. actually we kept missing.. suddenly our form was back.. it felt great.. i was on scoring spree.. 4 or 5 goals.. ant scored 1.. i even scored a glancing back header.. it demonstrated the understanding my team got.. lol.. from the oppo keeper's view i was on the right side of the court beside a defender.. indicating for weida to cross to the left.. he lobbed the ball up.. i ran left.. meet it nicely w a back glancing header.. keeper was caught offguard n off balanced.. goal.. woohooo..

scoring is exciting.. but the joy came from the memories of jc1 when we played tog everyday.. sigh the good old days.. now everyone in diff unit in NS.. ant in air force weida OCS signal.. chengyen MAN signal.. marcus studyin MED at NUS.. gonna be CPT (DR).. lol.. i am still a trainee in SISPEC.. lol..

met the girls.. caught up w their lives.. everyone's gd.. nice! din manage to watch fireworks w peiyi n yuguang.. the crowd was jus too imba.. i couldnt stand it n went home.. haha

i realise my last entry.. i forgot to press POST.. lol.. so i guess they dun wan me to KB so much.. haha.. well i wont rewrite tt entry.. anyw it is more or less consisting of complains.. haha.. NOW I FOUND THE SAVED DRAFT.. tt last ENTRY WAS POSTED..

i finally decided to blog..

field camp.. outstanding!! first was the normal setting up campsite.. slping area.. den went to train.. 1st day training was more or less simple.. since we learnt most of the things in BMT alr.. i helped out in the digging of shitholes!! it was fun.. sat on the "grinder" which grinds a hole.. while others turn.. i was the weight to provide the downward force.. haha.. so fun!! it is like merry go round!! it rained at night.. or it poured!!! kenneth dived into my "tent" and broke it.. gd job!!! slpt in the training shed..

nxt day, more lectures and training.. PC attached to us.. freaking hell shag (for my section mates) - i played the role of enemy too many times by chance.. i wasnt tryin to slack.. my only drill was playin role of matador carrier.. freaking heavy.. i felt bad for the other guys who kept doin drills.. PC always asked us to redo due to our "poor, not up to standard" performances.. slpt under the stars tt nite.. nice!

3rd day.. quick attack n it rained n i happened to be the enemy AGAIN!! wtf.. NINJA lost his magazine during the drill.. but we found it back.. learnt to do ambush.. was laughin durin lesson kena by STAFF to stand in front to do explanation of how to ambush.. since i listened to his lecture, i din get humiliated.. i guess tts the time he starts to target me.. anyw fk him la.. had trip flare set up at night.. 150000 candles damn powerful, it brightens up the night!!

last day back to camp!! in the grp to clear the shitting area.. filled up shit holes.. carried shit hole covers back to tonner.. the best of all.. get FK by the STAFF.. insulted me by sayin i had no intelligent (sry folks.. his english poor).. i helped to get them a pair of gloves n tio NO INTELLIGENT becos i din take the initiative to help him.. wtf.. the others were eating lunch.. i havent had my lunch yet!! he even told my sergeant in future when finding ppl to do work.. ask ppl with more intelligent!! as if i was borned to work for "stupid" ppl who signed on.. back at camp.. even the fkin storeman played me like a clown.. freaking unfit low life!

the v nxt day.. guard duty while ppl night out.. was supposed to be desk worker.. but some guy in my platoon said his knee pain due to field camp.. i tio switch to sentry.. suck thumb qk!! as if my knee not pain.. but it's a blessing in disguise.. got to make acquitance w KILO 2ic.. some v nice warrant who asked me (PR) on opinions on NS and national education..

alot of live shooting on sat n sun.. semi auto weapons are damn cool w life rounds.. spam bullets like crazy..

did SOC on tuesday n failed low rope.. ran slowly back to finishing line.. STAFF saw me.. kb me TALK SO MUCH CANT RUN.. i guess he really targets me for gd.. wednesday RETEST.. passed 8min40+secs.. so much for cant run.. lol..

STAFF took it out on PLATOON 4.. kb us for no discipline.. said we were wasting other platoon's time.. made us no.1 enemy of the rest of the platoons.. dinesh fking backstab me during AAR.. v nice of him.. since he wants it tt way.. i give him his way.. if he pronounce my name wrongly again.. i will say he is insulting me.. y show face to some insensitive hypocritical idiot?!

qk owns him

field camp is coming!

tml will be my field camp.. it doesnt help when u noe u have to be in camp for 10 days.. 1 wkend gone thanx to some live firing..

it is stuffy at home.. the weather isnt helping.. raining raining and little sunshine.. i am having a slight headache now.. i need a breather.. some fresh air..

making promises means one has to keep it.. well i kept mine.. went to weiwen's church.. there were things i expected n unexpected.. i wasnt overwhelmed by the service.. it was useful in the sense tt certain things the youth pastor said were relevant n applicable for my field camp.. however, it was hard or i would say impossible for me to accept the notion of god shapes watever u do e.g u haf to thank god when u found a gd fren.. no offence but it jus doesnt sound logical, w or w/o the presence of god, u still made tt fren.. at least i can see tt believers benefit from believing.. tts gd enuf..

i think i am in some kind of trouble.. i have to prepare and pack my stuff alr.. 1 more hour to left.. dinner isnt ready yet.. ooppps

yawn another wk

another 2 wks gone.. time flies
i din blog abt last wk since it wasnt v pleasant.. full of complaints and resentment.. anyw this wk wasnt any better..

firstly i muz admit i am smart.. i booked in 3 hours earlier this wk.. i did rmb hearing twenty hundred (2000).. and it was actually twenty THREE hundred hours.. some of the ppl told me i din hear wrongly cos the sergeant "purposely" said 2000 first den he changed it to 2300 and he said 11 pm too.. this means i did hear the right timing but i din take note of the "changes".. well.. i jus slpt in the bunk for the 3 hours.. rest = gd

this wk was quite boring except for the thurs and fri.. i had my appointment.. LSC.. appointment means responsibilities and duties or in short 'doing shit stuff for others'..

OC promised night out on thursday nite.. den instead of night out.. we got stand by bed.. isnt tt freaking wonderful? nothin much to complain too.. he is the OC..

fri had navigation.. the singapore "forest" is quite powerful.. with thigh deep swamp.. zzzz.. my pants were wet.. my boots were soaked.. my feet were in soggy socks.. woohooo... humans rest on water bed.. my feet rested on water soles..

ended the navi exercise quite early 8 plus.. DING DONG.. no bus to bring us back.. the OC bookede the bus at 11 pm.. we enjoyed time wasting again sitting down.. most of us fell aslp.. zzz
finally reached company line.. HOLY!!!!! no night snack.. poor qk.. the always hungry guy.. i spent a long time washing the "swamp" mud + water on my pants.. washed my boots inside out.. YUCKS.. suck thumb no choice..

anyw had SOC in the morning.. timing improved plus minus 9 min 25s.. i guess i've got the technique for low rope.. as usual.. i jus ran all the way back.. it feels guilty to slow down for the final rundown even though my legs feel tired.. it is jus running..

like wat my idiotic bed buddy said "qk can only run.." quite true so far..

nights out..

another nights out.. rushed home again.. well.. nobody's at home again as usual.. sometimes i wondered y i tried to rush back.. do the laundry? i guess i'll have to think tt way..

this wk hadnt been really been busy or enjoying for me.. ippt trial test.. silver again.. 2.4 timing decreased.. acute pain near the stomache region whenever i tried to sprint for the last stretch.. zzz.. health comes first..
a lot of lectures.. learnt some useful info.. some lessons were jus a waste of time.. i am extremely happy when it was announced the duty on monday (off day) was canceled!! i have my off!!!

busy schedule for meet-up sessions.. band outing? i dun even noe if i can make it on time if i return home first to change.. sunday probably will be meeting wanshun.. no one msged me anythin yet.. i am still waiting.. i still have to buck up for my fitness.. sigh.. more training required..

hopefully tml's obstacle will be overcome.. i have faith in myself.. i always have.. n good luck for my subsequent tests..

i am great!

another wk gone..

traumatising wk.. disappointment, dissatisfaction, displeasure..

upon realising 14th (sat) is a company confinement due to some test, my heart sank! there goes my appointment w yien.. it's a rare for ppl to ask me out for something, it is even rarer for yien to ask me to play tennis before meetin up w those in class collecting their award.. it took me sometime to get over tt confinement since there is a day off on monday.. the misery ended while another began.. monday is 16th, den i rmbed i had a guard duty on 16th.. basically i can say goodbye to my day off.. zzz

ippt as i've alr blogged b4, a silver thanks to 9:45 timing for 2.4 run.. 9:44 is a gold timing.. did a SOC full rundown, failed the low rope, demoralised n slacken in the running. 10:41 meant tt i failed both the target timing and a station.. anyw, they will jus rmb tt i FAILED.. gd one.. friday evening OC happily called out names of either ippt gold or SOC pass, for them to book out tt night 10 pm.. the rest which included me, stayed the night and book out nxt morning 10 am.. well every second counts.. my 1s worth 12 hours of freedom!

sigh, i guess i will jus resign to fate.. this yr hasnt been smooth sailing.. A lvls, followed by rejection for medicine shortlist, hoping for $750 pay but got sispec.. it's always tt a little bit more to get wat i want.. it is quite demoralising.. or really demoralising..

the section is gelling tog really well.. most ppl are really cooperative.. some more cooperative than the others.. there were enjoyable bitching sessions every nite.. gossiping.. we even came up w this theory the more u gossip, the shorter u become.. lol.. we are bastards..

F4411 got himself more disliked by the rest.. wk 1 having a bust-up w me, jj and kenneth.. 2nd wk got himself involved w ninja, jj (again), the platoon, a grp of chinese.. some famous quotes

"i tell u u were very rude jus now"
"u den never go bmt, u fking cb +++++" (he spoke too fast in his indian accent)
"fk u! i tell u..."
"eh u y u laughing, lj +++"
"who said tt! own up! fk u +++++"
"all chinese are fkin racist! ++++"
and many more to come.. there are 8 wks remaining..

a hot-tempered kid who is quite cocky and arrogant.. tryin to be smart.. over enthu in a "-ve" way.. some says he has double standards.. when we make a sweeping remark which might involve indians, he ignites like high explosive.. when the 2IC "joked" abt indians.. he kept quiet..

jus like the rifle holding incident.. when sergeant snapped "u think u rambo?" ninja jus added "no la, he tamil tiger" 4411 reacted violently to the tamil tiger.. he kept quiet for the rambo.. zzz

enuf bad-mouthin others.. at least he has his gd pts too.. everyone has gd pts.. my stand stays again.. if no one mess w me.. i shall be nice..

a switch of songs i'm listening to..

i haf to admit i haf no life.. really deprived..

mayb now i am more aware of my roots.. lol.. went to youtube searching for chinese rap.. came across this rap.. when it played.. it simply stunned me.. it was in wuhan dialect.. my own slang which i only used when i am back in china or rarely use when i talk to my parents.. it's on youtube?!?! lol.. there's some comments by youtubers which makes me laugh.. one commented tt it was si chuan dialect.. i jus dun understand y ppl like to comment even when they are WRONG.. lol.. at least someone pointed out it was wuhan dialect.. nt bad.. i duno mayb at tt pt i really felt something close to me.. tt slang.. tt style.. even local informal terms which only locals understand.. i found my home.. how dramatic..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djBLYQhKr3M
i am quite sure some will find it a flop rap attempt or a fk up song esp when u dun understand wat she's talkin abt.. in this way u understand how i feel abt hokkien songs.. or when others speak using dialect to converse in front of me.. u really feel foreign.. mayb tts y u need to accommodate.. minority grps always need to compromise more.. F4411 doesnt understand this concept i guess.. haha.. this world can never be "equal".. i am always having identity crisis..

i wont pledge loyalty to china.. nor i am willing to die for singapore.. my family is more impt than the country.. my love ones are more impt than the land.. generally i am still considered as a foreigner in sg.. n back in china.. i cant adapt to the local culture, esp those of my age grp.. i am not here nor there.. zzz..

talkin abt family.. i felt gd this wk.. there's a night out for arnd 4-5 hours.. i went home.. bought an ice cream for my parents (late father's n mother's day "gift").. the money was spent worthwhile.. it doesnt hurt at all as compared to spending on myself.. my parents looked really happy when they realise i bought them a cake.. surprising gift from a son who always quarrels or "yells" at them..

well.. i have to get myself mentally prepared for the nxt wk.. wk nxt wk gone, only 7 wks left to next posting.. well.. most prob ASLC.. PR gets it.. (tts wat they say)..

matching, mixing, maturing, meeting..

sometimes ppl are jus diff..

i bought chocolate chip cookies for my mom.. i guess she'll like it.. it's tasty isnt it? to my surprise, my mom dislikes it and ate her red bean "su" (which are like powdery?).. she asked me if i wanted some, it jus turns out tt i dislike tt powdery feeling.. haha.. i am too rigid w my mom.. it has to be.. i told her never to worry abt my book in n book out timing.. i noe when i haf to leave the house.. she doesnt need to plan for me.. but she always like to tell me when i should leave.. if she can decisively tell me when to leave, i am perfectly fine w it.. she always turns it into a discussion n ask me for opinion n bla bla bla.. zzzz.. habits doesnt change.. a leopard never changes its spots.. my mom will remain tt way.. (i shud jus be more tolerating..)

diff races haf their own racial personality.. habits.. their own perspective of seeing things.. n own interpretation of tones of others.. the way they joke arnd.. sadly, i haf to admit i think i cant get along well w indians.. no offence n no racial disharmony here.. indian culture may be quite conflictin w the chinese mindset.. i am unsure of tt too.. mayb jus an observation.. i guess tts why racial harmony is impt to stamp out on these differences between races and avoid conflicts when everyone can understand the cultures and behavior types of other races.. (sounds so NE)

when u go thru NS... mayb u really mature alot.. w freedom taken away for most of the wk.. being compelled to do things which u may not wanna do.. requiring high lvl of discipline and stuff lidat.. spending less time w ur family n frens.. when u see them again.. u sort of treasure them.. although the intensity of "treasure" varies for each.. but it's there..

i had this thought.. to walk arnd in town.. waitin for a chance to meet her by coincidence.. it's impossible to ask her out.. jus hoping for an alternative for meeting.. meet up by coincidence provides more "surprise" elements rather than awkwardness.. today walkin in town w lousy, i met ronald n jiekai at 2 diff places.. last time i met teh han.. such coincidence do occur frequently.. so i guess i might be lucky once or twice to see her? naive thought.. but isnt tt kinda swt? if lun pin's classmate can be my bed buddy in sispec.. why cant i bump into her in town or any common place she might go? haha.. wish myself luck! haha.. a line from dan brown's DIGITAL FORTRESS - everything is possible, the impossible just takes longer

i will achieve my goals - by waiting..

sispec..

1 wk of sispec gone.. posted to a company w gal trainees.. kinda welfare.. not bad..
1st leopard, now foxtrot..

welfare means better care for soldiers but definitely not when it comes to training.. training is still physically demanding.. it has to be this way.. or else how to train up and build up ur body? platoon 4 again.. 5 storeys to climb again..

welfare = book out fri nite at 2120 and book in sun nite 2300.. some other company book out later n book in 2200.. lol.. dun be jealous.. dun be envious.. jus be sad.. cos u haf no gals.. lol

the IPPT cat test is over.. 9:45 lol.. silver = more training = book out sat morning 10 am.. sispec quite practical.. gold can book out fri nite if there isnt anything impt on sat.. i jus missed it by tt 2s.. lol.. yeah time to kb.. blame it on a new route and not drinking sufficient water before the run.. haha.. gd luck qk.. no book out on fri nite!

since there are gals in the coy.. it is quite gd.. i haf this liking to listen to the female voice.. it jus sounds nice.. it sounds esp nice if u are in an area dominated by males (the army).. the appearance of the gal isnt impt in army.. the voice is much more powerful.. it's jus a diff feeling all together..

1st encounter w female.. 1st day.. this trainee came up to platoon 4 section 4 bunk.. demanded for some paper we were filling in.. i was quite stunned.. female?!?! (no offence.. so aggressive n not v feminine)

2nd encounter w female.. yst.. after the last SOC obstacle.. i ran to the water pt to drink water.. the gals are filling the cups.. i drank abit den the gal told me nicely.. u cant drink now.. supposed to run all the way to the starting line den can drink.. haha.. i like ppl to talk to me nicely..

so far so gd.. except for a little bits here n there..

oh.. btw.. i am weak! :D

see see.. there goes my $ when u dun plan ahead..

i am posted to become a spec.. yeah.. a spec.. it doesnt really matter.. cos.. well.. i'm jus a bit poorer every mth.. on the 10th.. gd gd.. sneeze sneeze.. yeah.. yeah.. i really want more $..

u see.. never plan la.. goin bmt w the "anything's gd" mentality.. no preference = do everything within my limits.. dun do more.. dun do less.. expected outcome: sispec.. let's turn back time.. n if qk decides on the v first day $750 is gonna b the minimum pay he gets after bmt.. den u will see a diff qk in camp?!?! omg!! more enthu in everythin he does.. volunteerism? if u duno wat is it, he'll show u.. haha.. nvm.. wats posted is posted.. sispec..

zzz.. joining weeloon in tt camp? the idea turns me off.. lol..
lets go to some more "slack" company.. hehe.. i am not ready for toughness yet.. muahaha..

i guess i'll get confinement.. lots of them.. confinements + low pay.. wth.. i dislike this every min..

advice to ppl.. plan ahead.. dun mess up ur future.. or ur $$$

there goes my movie?!?!

there was a moment of excitement when penguin told me she's free to be asked out for movies!!! woohooo.. i finally found myself some programmes!!!

projected movie outing plan
1. a grp of ppl (class girls) + me
2. watch oceans 13
3. tuesday

frankly speaking, i was overjoyed.. the feeling was like consuming de-ageing potion.. transforming back to some 6 yr old kid.. "yeah! i got my event of the wk!"

outing was postponed from tues to thurs.. due to some girls unable to make it.. well.. it's definitely great to haf more ppl joining in.. everything was goin fine (2-3 girls goin) until tonite.. one shock after another.. first 1 dropped out due to personal reasons.. den suddenly, it left w 3 ppl (including me).. den another dropped out.. 2 ppl..

conclusion: postponed! zzz.. i cant hide my disappointment.. esp after my dear mom asked "are u goin out tml?" wat can i say?!?! sadly, it's a NO.. sigh..

so basically so far this wk.. the most entertaining thing i've done was soccer this morning.. conceding some goals which will cause any audience "WOW!" and scoring a handful of goals.. my fitness is coming back (while i am still recovering from flu)..

as for now.. i oso cant describe how i feel now.. i am numbed.. without feelings.. experiencing the dilemma of to be "angry" or jus "forgiving".. i am quite glad i din snap at my mom's comments/reminders jus now..

my time to return to tt regimental lifestyle is really soon.. u can count w 1 hand.. omg!!! it's really hard to plan my "holiday" schedule w me falling ill.. unable to find ppl to go out w (guys in army.. girls.. sigh.. forget it.. it has always been rejections)..

mayb u can only depend on guys? success rates of askin guys out is so much higher.. most guys will do "seemingly stupid" things for guys.. well as for girls i've noticed.. they will do
"seemingly stupid" things for girls.. but a larger % of guys will do "seemingly stupid" things for girls as compared to the other way round.. girls are always the lucky ones.. i am turning sexist?! lol

congratulations.. i jus snapped at my mom.. she jus comments tooooooo much..

sigh..

到底什么时候才会想起我

有一个问号一直在困扰 却又不知该如何是好

虽然明知道 你和他很好 真的不该再打扰

就当我无聊 已无可救药

只是真的我很想知道

每次一想到 你把我忘掉 眼泪忍不住在狂飙

到底什么时候你才会想起我

在夜阑人静孤单来袭因为寂寞

也许狂欢过后突然平淡而失落

还是我想的太多

到底什么时候你才会想起我

在值得纪念时刻因为感触太多

当你匆匆经过我们走过的角落

你会偷偷想我 还是一笑而过

张卫健's song.. the singing is always not tt gd.. cant blame him.. his mandarin isnt tt gd.. lol.. it is jus the lyrics.. it is jus the lyrics.. it was by accident i got to noe this song.. my parents bought 阿有正传 and this song so happen to the opening theme.. the lyrics sent a sour feeling thru me.. most of the lines describe how i feel sometimes.. haha.. it is really fate for me to hear the song.. if i wasnt ill.. i wont be bothered to stay at home n kill some of my time by searchin for shows to watch.. haha..

sick again.. tts really horrible..

block leave - a period of enjoyment. for me, it is the beginning of suffering. i am sick again.. zzzz

sat was wonderful. attended kathy's wedding. interesting church wedding with lots of repetition of this line "man shall leave his father n mother, shall joint unto the wife.. and the 2 shall become 1 in flesh". since it is church wedding, i accept it tt praising the lord is necessary for the christians even when it comes to wedding.

as for my perspective of a wedding. the ceremony, sayin "i do", exchangin of the rings and the kiss are enuf. i jus felt tt the speech was abit over.. i jus feel tt the groom and the bride are the certain stage.. n not god (no offence)..

spent sunday slpin at home n watchin tv.. took my temperature.. 38 degrees C.. wow.. i got fever again.. din manage to see the doc.. hope the temperature drops tml.. i need to be healthy.. my "holiday" muznt be spent at home recuperating!

back to sat.. met up w so many classmates.. the girls become prettier the guys become more handsome.. (yeah i am a great liar).. haha.. anyw.. quite alot of ppl are ill.. flu.. cough.. etc.. get well soon (to myself).. it feels so nice to meet ur old frens again.. it has been quite awhile since i last saw mr liaw.. lol.. hopefully we can meet for the last time before i serve NSF again..

had been listening for shakira's underneath your clothes for the past hour.. reminded me of sec sch.. sec 2 holidays playin games and listening to songs.. at tt time, life revolved round games.. slacking.. being alone wont make u think of any girl.. free from those (self-imposed) troubles..

hope.. always comes and goes.. a movie trip request made.. reply was "we'll see".. mayb i am jus being too naive.. we'll see jus means no.. a less hurtful way of rejection.. a confirmation of the movie trip made.. reply was "busy recently, dun feel comfortable goin out 1 on 1" well.. i really haboured too much hopes.. i really need to slap myself to wake myself up..

it really feels great to noe tt someone cares for u.. defending u always.. standing up for u.. weeloon u are so blessed.. lol.. i got scolded becos i said "nasty" stuff abt u.. haha..

there is this dilemma.. next sat.. either i go out w weeloon or join platoon 4 at sentosa.. it's been wks since weeloon was tryin to ask me out.. if i din go for the platoon outing.. some may jus say i am anti-social.. i hate sweeping statements made.. esp against me.. let's see if it is possible to attend both.. lol.. anyw.. it jus mean more $ spent.. sigh..

ocs.. pls.. ocs.. some go for the pride.. some go for the rank.. some, like me.. go for the $..

别问

一个人要走多远

历经多少沧桑才会累

什么地方才是家 为了谁才留下

一个人要想多久

历经多少挫折才会懂

不再轻易掉眼泪 不再轻易说

今生无悔,无怨 用一生做试验

为谁放弃一切 我不再是我 谁又是谁

别问我的伤 别问我的痛 别问我的心中是否在流血

别问我是否心已碎 别问酒逢故人醉不醉

别问我的苦 别问我的悲 别问我的流浪是否很疲惫

别问我是否还有泪 别问魂萦旧梦对不对 也别问我会不会

postponed POP.. or is it POP never done..

back to tekong for guard duty yst.. or u can say it was goin for a budget chalet.. i had equipped myself w sufficient food to last the nite.. only to find out tt it was MORE than sufficient.. bringing DS to kill time was a wise choice.. however, when i intended to use it wasnt according to plan.. DS during prowling wasnt planned.. fortunately it served its purpose to cut short my prowl to 1 round in 1 hour.. lol.. the others did a max of 4 rounds in 1 hour.. how slack have i become?!

the rest of the time was spent in the newly allocated slping area installed w aircon. UNO cards promoted bonding amongst the platoon mates who were assigned guard duty and the 2 sergeants in charge of us.. played games and it was the first time 3SG asked PTE for permission to CARRY ON.. gd job SG Alisufyan n our dear CQ.. lol.. CQ's presence was the best.. his PSP provided me w entertainment throughout the nite..

XBOX in the COY OFFICE = playing games again.. food was everywhere.. nightsnack.. PES E refreshments meant for the parents.. OOPS.. booked out in the morning.. had breakfast at changi village.. the highlight of today is our CK jaywalked n was almost knocked down by a motorbike.. thankfully, only his hand was scratched.. i hope he wud rmb for life.. never JAYWALK (in SMART4) and always look right when crossing the road in SG..
anyw, the end of GUARD DUTY marks the official POP.. bye bye tekong for now!!!

qk doesnt feel like goin for soccer tml.. it's jus too far away.. katong.. the word itself will bring back memories.. i guess i will jus skipped it?.. now life at home is kinda boring.. i duno wat to do.. to think abt BMT.. i din do the graduation 24km march.. there isnt any remarch.. so.. well it is jus disappointment..

kathy's getting married!!! lol.. sat.. wat shud i wear? do i even haf a set of decent clothing? lol.. poor me.. poor me..

POP liao!!!

Passing Out Parade marks the end of BMT.. the last wk in camp was some exp i din expect i would go thru.. before BMT, i made it clear i would participate in any activity regardless of its difficulty.. however, after falling seriously ill for the 1st time, my wk was packed w duties for status recruits. Carryin jerry cans, setting up water points, loading of stores up n down the tonner, be an usher for 24km..

i missed quite alot of activities. SOC test, 24km, the rehearsals for Graduation Parade. After missing 2 consecutive parades, i was told tt i could only join in the re-entry doin the infantry roar. i had to fall out for the march pass and the inspection due to lack of practice. It was quite demoralising to hear tt.. took me for quite a few days to get over it.. resulting in a build of a bad temper, flaring up easily at slight provocation.. i had more confrontations w ppl for the last wk than the other 8 wks in BMT.. vulgarities flew..

finally "they" told me i could join in the parade (final rehearsal).. this time, i couldnt be bothered.. say tt i am slack.. i jus wasnt in the mood to join in.. i was quite sure my body isnt in its best condition. To make matter worse, my willpower wasnt there to support my physical status. I simply did some normal status duties and slpt in the bunk for 2 hours..

i dun think being a status recruit is chao keng as many others see it. a status recruit who refuses and find excuses to execute tasks like sweeping floor, cleaning and washing things is chao keng. Imagine 24km, there arent any status ppl to help u set up water points.. the support characters are impt if not more impt than the main grp which performs the duties..

now.. i am really in a dazy state.. wondering wat i can do next.. i hope to talk to someone.. but i noe it is impossible.. w simple calculations or analysis of the situation.. the chance of meeting is almost 0%. the answer is NO but with the slightest bit of room for negotiation.. i will jus haf to live w it.. gd luck..

anyw, POP liao.. no one will ask me out.. n i think i cant bring myself to take the iniative to ask ppl out too.. i jus ask too much.. n get too much rejections.. i shall rest.. guard duty awaits me..

i've finally fallen

i had fever today.. 38 degrees C w headache, aching n feelin weak all over. i finally went to see the MO and got myself a status.. some may find it great (attend C), cos u can get away from the mundane tekong life n spend ur day at home. i guess i would rather stay in camp n be illness free.. the discomfort from the fever, headache, diarrhea and feelin weak all over is of a higher intensity than the discomfort of tekong life.. furthermore, the cost of the trip home (taxi) is shocking.

interesting things happened today. a bat flew into the bunk in the morning.. hit the fan and landed on bed5. then it managed to regain consciousness and flew again.. this time it hit another fan and landed on bed9. unfortunately, it died this time (i guess.. i was too sick to be concerned abt the bat).. the bat has fallen too..

the MO was quite pissed off w me.. cos i disturbed his slp.. he asked me w a frown "cant u wait another 2 hours?" i can understand tt he needs rest, however, if u wanna be a doctor. u shud be mentally prepared for such scenario when u r deprived of ur slp time. i was feeling so uncomfortable, hoping to seek treatment as early as possible.. n yet he can say such insensitive words like cant u wait? so much for professionalism.. i doubt he will make a gd doctor in future..

it is official tt i got myself gold for ippt.. 9:36 for 2.4km.. i am happy for myself.. i guess some others dun share my joy given from the remarks i received from one.. i believe in first impressions.. when he said tt to me.. my first impression is he was really pissed off w me getting gold.. mayb he doesnt see i possess the qualities of getting gold.. or the world is unfair to him.. depriving him of a chance of gold.. i wonder y he is so agitated w me getting a gold.. it is jus a recognition of ur physical status.. in another words.. my overall fitness is better than him :D

attend C for today.. attend B for another 2 days.. when it comes to 24k march.. my status will be day 2.. will they allow me to join in?

my attitude..

bookout is gettin increasingly unattractive to me, the only incentive is the outings available (given tt i can arrange any). yst's bookout followed by soccer w my classmates den a class dinner at fish n co. if u exaggerate it abit, it was an extraordinary exp for it was such a long time i din meet them. everyone seems well and guess wat.. yien sat bside me!!! (exaggeration to it's max again) haha.. the evening was only soiled by the constantly coughin to clear my throat.

now i feel ok abt goin OCS.. i dont wish to aim for it.. i hate it when i aim for somethin n in the end failed to get it.. ippt was done last morning, i performed pretty well.. as promised to warren cheng, i got my gold (if the 2.4k timing din screw up, my watch shows 9:38). it feels great cos i managed to fulfil my promise. breaking a promise is a sin.

i am proud to say i am from 79. 17 guys.. 1 overseas. 6 in OCS.. 1 SISPEC to OCS.. 1 SISPEC to MO(captain?!).. 1 MEDIC.. 1 ADMIN.. 1 SIGNAL.. 5 in BMT.. we are PHYSICALLY FIT!!! weiheng.. haha.. admin!!! lol.. no one in section 2 can win him in chin-up.. lol.. everyone is different.. chengyen running under 10.. doin a lot of chin-ups, 17? basically.. we are jus damn fit.. lol.. class spirit is always stronger than section spirit.. we spent more time tog. lol.

OCS.. if i managed to get in.. (heck the tough training.. if i say i can do it.. i can do it..) my PW grp will be 4/4 OCS.. lol.. tt's pride again after the being the "lousiest" grp.. 4 ppl getting 3s and a single 2.. sigh..

life in tekong is getting more mundane.. some ppl are pissing me off too.. i cant say tt they are selfish (all the time) but at certain times.. i jus cant take it. it is quite true tt most ppl only talk n dont do at all.. say bringing in food.. in the end.. sigh.. i smuggled in food even though i forecasted tt might be some checks.. as a promise to bring, i bring.. the rest (esp those who declared loudly tt they would bring in) simply eats.. i am fine w ppl eating my stuff but not breaking a promise becos of the risks involved to bring in food.. mayb i expect too much from others again..

some other selfish acts: opening my cupboard to take somethin w/o my permission and NOT LOCKING IT due to "forgetfulness". to me, it is jus taking something which is not urs for granted n fk care abt the rest since ur objective is met. the thing u want is w u.. the rest is none of ur business.. i despise this kinda acts. happily getting wat u want and getting me into potential trouble.. if there was a rifle inside? i am 100% sure tt u wont lock it too.. cos it isnt in ur genes to think of others..

i dislike a lot of things in the bunk too.. i am showing my attitude more n more.. i think it should be time to take the uno back home.. some players are damn childish.. displayin how hot their temper are when the game isnt in their way.. some slammed the cards.. for ur info.. those arent my cards.. i need to return to ppl in gd condition.. even if they are my cards.. who the fk gave u the permission to attitude in front of me?!

in games i hate ppl to kb me.. esp when u commit tt "offence" more than me.. when u are slow and laggy dont yell at ppl when they are slow occasionally.. ppl need to think abit.. for ur case.. u are jus stoning n oblivious of wats occurring arnd u since u arent payin attention to the game.. i hate ppl to piss me off.. it was the first time in NS i glared at others.. i dont want to do tt anymore.. i do haf a limit to my tolerance.. i am ready for any disagreement w my point of view cos wat i see others may be the same way ppl see me..

life in camp isnt tt pleasant to me (recently) but as for the at home.. my mom is getting on my nerves too.. i guess it is jus too normal.. asking too much irrelevant insiginifcant qns.. there are a lot of things she doesnt need to noe.. for noeing them doesnt help her in anything.. tts jus my opinion n way of seeing things.. it has been a norm to hear ppl say i am bad to my mom.. i guess it is jus the way u are brought up and how each n every individual thinks and shapes his idea of how ppl should react arnd him.. somethings cant be changed but can be reduced, avoided.. i will gladly avoid ppl who pisses me off.. less interaction w them..

i inherited my mom's temper.. so it is virtually impossible for us to quarrel.. she gets agitated easily when talkin to my dad.. i get agitated easily talkin to her.. the cycle goes round and round.. so i see no pt my mom complainin to me abt my attitude when hers isnt tt gd as a role model too.. if u cant do it (almost everytime) why u expect me to behave in another way? unfilial - watever u call it.. my notion of being filial is different.. i will repay any kindness anyone shows me.. my tone down my volume when i speak.. mayb bcos of my dyin throat.. speakin of which.. some bastards in the company or the platoon dont sing or echo.. they simply heck care..

i guess i wont be smuggling food in anymore.. seriously it isnt worth it at all.. if it is one for all n all for one.. i dont mind i being the only one getting caught.. this reminds me of another issue i wanna kb..

i smuggle in food.. ppl noes.. when heard tt there will be a check goin on.. ppl come to me giving me tt "u are in deep shit" look.. tt's not helping.. after i clear my checks.. some of those ppl come n request for food.. i can only say ur EQ is damn low.. this sounds really mean (but it feels gd to say it): this kind of low life-form doesnt deserve to exist in this world.. ur existence is one of the main reasons y the world is in a mess now.. i feel ashame of ppl like ur kind breathin the same air as me..

back to my old ways! i feels so gd to kb.. kb me back for all those out tt.. cos i simply dun give a damn.. ur existence is insignificant to me..

qk the great.. ego u call it.. i haf loads of pride being myself..

there are quite a large no. of nice ppl in camp.. some really make me feel much better.. however, it only takes a few to spoil the show (quotes from sergeant).. i hate to be being bossed arnd by ppl whom i see dont fit.. if u think u are gd.. show me tt u are better than me at everythin.. den i will keep my mouth shut.. if u boss ppl arnd tellin others to do this do tt.. but u dont do.. i can only show u the finger.. n forget abt getting respect from me.. cos to me.. u simply suck..

a lot of blue days..

unexplanable.. blue days always happened to come..

unable to slp last nite.. took some time drawing something for sergeant lionel.. anyw it was said tt we haf to write somethin for lionel.. no one actually did esp when most of section 2 are playin.. all i rmbed vaguely was someone askin me to draw the card..

sometimes i dun understand y we r doin certain things.. jus for show.. so called designing the card.. it was somethin i did when i had nothin "better" else to do.. i do appreciate the things lionel did for us.. however, i dun think i noe him tt well n i am tt close to him to take the initiative to draw somethin for him esp thinkin some other ppl can do it.. it took so long for everyone to write for him.. to me, it jus gives me the impression ppl write for the sake of writing.. cos one writes so the other writes.. or one writes cos the rest asked him to write.. if there isnt anythin much to write abt.. for me, i feel tt y bother to write?

i noe i wont draw anythin if everyone is arnd.. it is jus nt my style.. doin things alone.. on my own.. only showing product, regardless of it's quality (at least it passed my person quality control).. at least there were some compliments on the pic.. it feels gd.. lol

SOC.. one short n swt comment: i can pass..

i am getting quite sick of NS.. not mainly becos of the training.. the uncomfortable long4 contributes partially to my misery.. ppl in camp have so many kinds of personality w different set of values.. i am quite sure many of them contradict mine.. i guess i am losing patience w some kind of personalities.. more vulgarities are coming out from me.. more snapping at others.. i treasure time alone.. like tuesday nite.. not slpin n drawing stuff..

i cant understand y there are ppl who refuse to sing out loud or cheer loudly.. e.g infantry roar.. since the sergeants alr said do a gd one or else keep doin.. so y not jus shout loudly n use some energy.. the sergeants are only lookin for volume n not content.. the louder the better.. i believe tt there are 2 grps of idiots.. one grp refuses to raise their volume even though warning is given.. the other grp tries to yell louder to cover up.. my voice is kinda dead.. i hate it.. it drains energy even when i speak.. ppl cant even figure out clearly when i speak over the phone.. yucks..

gd luck.. i want my voice back

another wk.. (routine repeats)

one wk of intensive activities had gone. on hindnote, i guessed it seemed tougher on paper. after experiencing it, everythin looks fine now.

monday's endurance training wasnt v helpful in preparation for tuesday's 16k route march. the number of pushups, jumping jets and buddha claps was physically demanding. it struck me tt i wasnt as fit as i thought i was, esp for the lower limbs. i felt rather demoralised.

it was also one day after med results were released.. the fact tt my frens were approved entry and i wasnt even shortlisted was kinda hard to take. i was v happy 4 them for they got somethin they yearned for. it is the same reason y i felt so down - i didnt get the thing i wanted.

bad things always come at one go.. the discouraged feeling escalated thanx to the songlist in my mp3. it was so immense tt i wrote an journal entry in the bunk. it's so unlike me.

not forgetting the hungry stomach which contributed to the depressed nite. for breakfast, i was oso hungry too. i ate so many pieces of white plain wheat bread. NS changes ppl, for someone like me who will not touch plain bread, gobbling down so many pieces, it was shocking even to me.

it oso didnt help when i started thinkin of her again. i can hardly find any topic to talk to her abt. her uni applications wasnt successful. as usual, it was a topic i wasnt supposed to show concern. once again, she shut me off.

sms - selective messaging system. one can choose not to answer a qn by ignoring a sms. one can ignore a person by not replying a sms. u haf to wait for sms, it eats into time.

i guess i will proceed on.. 16k march.. it was a day of sweating and yelling. after the march, i looked as if i jumped into the swimming pool w my long4. had abrasions but why bother? for the shower.. i even ran up the stairs after sending arms.. the inner thighs were burning, like wat she used to say abt me.. i duno how to take care of myself..
alot of ppl had muscles cramps and aches, i was glad i din haf any except for the abrasion. thanx to all the soccer since sec sch.. always play until calf muscles cramp. i guess my legs are used to the cramps alr. lol.
as for the singing during route march, there were always ppl who doesnt sing. i dont blame them cos it takes energy to sing. they were being "smart" by conserving energy to last the march. i was quite pleased w myself since i sang and yelled esp the last 4 k back to company line. mayb due to the fact i was directly behind 2IC while we marched. i guessed i had to show him tt we were singing, at least those nearest to him so he wont quicken the pace and cause the entire company to suffer. i experienced it during the first 4k, i was the 3 last person.. since i din like tt, i dun want others to exp it. for the good of all.. someone has to suffer.. now, my voice is kinda lost..
lol..

had PC interview since i put no preference for command sch. this makes me wonder wat is the meaning of a leader. everyone has their own definition of the word. mayb i will write abt this in another entry.

the few days after the march, i had lots of running.. ippt.. i passed.. 7 chin ups.. all time highest.. 2.4k - 9min48s, should be my fastest so far.. i could run faster if not becos of the tonner blocking my way, forcing me to stop for awhile. the running boosted my morale abit.. i am FIT!!!

my section is always packed w fun. platoon mates from other sections always visit us for the chinese chess. we even have a paper ball.. lol.. tts so stupid.. there is always a mp3 playing music for the bunk. although the songs were mostly commercialised chinese pop which i dun fancy, i have to say it was still kinda nice.. 13 ppl in the bunk.. more than half likes it.. it doesnt matter.. i haf my own mp3 n my own sorrow music..

time for a rest.. i dun feel like writing anymore..
everything depends on my mood..
looking forward to the class dinner.. hopefully more ppl can go..

another day..

this book out is so different from the previous 2 book outs.. i din meet up w anyone except for some platoon mates for soccer..

slpin is a luxury.. i love my bed.. the life on tt island is getting more n more borin.. hope tt the following wk, i can spice it up w some self-entertainment of my own.. i dont feel like callin ppl when i am on tt island.. my phone bills shocked me.. lol.. i guess i cant help it.. talkin on the phone provides "life" there..

i got tt feelin of missin someone again..

i detest the feelin of blankness..

at least i noe.. i haf the mp3 at night.. some songs will ease the tension within..

reflections

another 2 weeks or more had passed. 2 book-outs, 1 book-in. it seems that book-in/out has just become another routine, it isnt special anymore. maybe my enthusiasm has died down or i am finally seeing reality.

i din manage to come face to face with a wild boar. it was a regret. outfield had ended for this phase of training, maybe in future i may see some wild boars. i hope. i hope.

digging your own "grave" was kind of exhausting. digging requires technique. i believe i've acquired some. it will definitely be useful in future.

relieving oneself in the wild was another highlight of the 6 day stay outdoors. digging a hole, bomb the hole, fill the hole.

sitest was more or less similar in terms of living conditions. the test was so fun. i had the opportunity to do some risky stuff. that jus means more excitement.

treasure ur bed. treasure the food available. treasure all kinds of comfort. the fan is a great invention =)

be nice to others.. be nice.. where did your confidence go?!

congrats to happy 3 friends who got into medicine. why isnt there a place for me? i wonder.. i am jus not good enough. yeah. not good enough.

sometimes ns isnt tt fun at all.. esp when you cant get your own peaceful quiet time. the time to be alone. the solitude.

ppl do not share the same liking for the songs i listen to.. erm.. too bad.. they jus do not understand me.. hahaha.. i shall be unique.. i am unique.. qk forever!!

nice day

had a nice morning w happy 3 frens.. when happy 3 frens saw me.. then they dun look so happy.. yien was as usual.. so mean.. the moment she saw me, started laughin.. my new hairdo isnt tt cmi la.. grace complained abt the rain.. den there went yien.. leaving me alone in mac.. wth.. sarah came later n had breakfast.. it wasnt as gd as i expected it to b.. anyw, i am thankful they agreed to a meetin w the all wonderful qk =D i promise i wont accept sarah's suggestions anymore.. meeting for breakfast is dumb.. need to wake up so early and travel to a weird place jus to haf breakfast.. mac breakfast isnt v nice too..

the day b4, had dinner w val n bumped into penguin.. not bad.. saw 2 ppl in 1 day.. nice dinner.. went alfred's house to do some catching up.. scouts arent tt bad right?! lol

then came the best part of the day!!! i asked miss koh out!! lol.. after some "rubbishy" persuasion, she agreed to meet me for lunch.. isnt tt wonderful?! she's always so nice to entertain me =D however, qk needs to boost his ego abit.. so this means i am charismatic n persuasive!! lol
waited for the VIP at lot1 for a long long time.. n guess who spotted me.. samuel goh from MOHAWK.. after knowing i am bookin in on wed.. he #$@%$% abt leopard sayin we are jus too slack.. qk believes in leopard.. everyone loves leopard.. everyone loves qk too..

the lunch wasnt v gd.. but the talkin after lunch was wonderful.. sitting by the kiddo swimming pool n talking.. w the breeze n the scenary.. i duno if i bored my listener w my talking but i felt good.. i hope she felt good oso.. (if u read this u can tell me if u felt gd anot).. anyw, u can bring him to sit there n talk too.. gd ambience.. esp at nite.. jus find an interesting topic.. u haf to fuel the convo.. gd luck..

at nite, my dad commented for the past 5 days.. he din manage to haf dinner w me.. i feel guilty.. yeah.. had dinner w my family in front of the tv.. lol.. at least i made my parents happy for once.. i feel gd again..

i always felt gd abt army.. booking in will be fun.. however, i guess the time spent by the pool made me think otherwise.. to me, it really felt like the way i wanted all my outings to be like.. having convo w ppl.. at a nice place.. jus talking.. mayb the convo may b kinda dumb.. i need to find new interesting topics to fuel convos.. anyw, convos can work well if u talk abt things u've been thru.. ur experiences for a certain event.. i am lookin forward to the next book out.. to hear stuff.. or share stuff.. i miss ppl..

i need to break tt barrier.. or help wileen break tt barrier.. i want to talk to her literally hear her voice.. do i sound desperate? lol..

i need to focus to get back to the NS mode.. get high.. highly explosive.. energy burst.. i am the MOTIVATING force for everyone.. i am the engine of the machine.. i am the GREAT!!!

i desire..

i desire the feelin of bein loved

back as a ...

returning home for the first time after 18 days, i felt quite glad to be back. however, the intensity of feeling happy wasnt as high as those days in the past (e.g. OBS, sch annual camp). 18 days away, i am supposed to spend more time at home to replace the time lost which i wasnt in the house. unfortunately, the v nxt day, i went out in the afteroon, stayed over at lsd's house, returning home like 24++ hours later. the sense of attachment to the house is decreasin? or am i jus tryin to evade the discussion abt my "future".

the 18 days away changed me a little. - i am unsure how true this statement is. it is kinda losing contact w the outside world. returning home w 5 days of rest, not knowing wat i shud do next. life isnt as organised as the 18 days. no more rules to follow, no more deadlines to meet. procastination at my own pace = unhealthy.

before the 18 days, island life was described as tough, rigorous training, "unreasonable" instructors. i kinda dislike the idea of landing on the island on a monday. however, i really appreciated the arrangement. welfare is the word. i dun mind spending a few more days on the island. life isnt tt tough as i had expected. simply sensational.

it was a enjoyable experience. hanging arnd w ppl of a diff race. new perspectives of ppl, new ideas. different personalities and behaviours - enriching experience. schooling days will be much more exciting if my schs have a proportionate racial mix. anyw, it doesnt matter anymore. talkin abt schooling - kinda disappointing.

no medicine. to think abt it, i din want medicine only after receiving the A lvl results. it took me quite a few weeks to decide wat courses to choose. convincing myself i am a healer or anythin related to tt. XD mayb it is the amt of time spent in deciding to apply for med which makes me feel kinda demoralised. grades din make the mark. thanx to Project Work (3).

no doubt i am disappointed not gettin shortlisted. however, some others deserve more "sympathy". peiyi, aspired to be a doc since i duno when, din get it too cos of the 3 for Project Work. mayb sympathy isnt the right word to use here. jus tt if i feel really disappointed, imagine how worse she felt.

18 days on the island in a room w 12 other ppl, it really broaden my horizons abit. it was quite fascinating to know ppl who apply for telecommunications or media kinda courses. it was a 1st time exp to know someone who is keen on a course most of the ppl i know wouldnt take. from this, it only tells one thing, my network of frens is too small. the network only consists of ppl generally of the same interests and stuff. i need to know more, really alot more.

spending time alone is always the best to reflect n review. i should be nicer to my mom, she wants to talk to me abt the uni and education stuff. frankly speaking, it is a complete turn off. i dun want to discuss abt those stuff now. my aunt is coming over later - this means more discussions.

for now, i cant be "carefree" n relaxing. mayb it is due to the 18 days. always on high alert, ready for any instructions. be blur and u "die".. kindness days are over. =S

now, i am having the "qk's block" again. nothin to write XD
well.. i'll stop for now.

care for qk!

i am jus screwed..

but.. wats there to worry??

i am qk..

everythin will turn out jus fine..

somebody STOP me!

today felt good..

i shud be slpin.. but i jus dun wan to.. my body clock is screwed.. n i noe i cant turn it back.. so.. yeah.. forget it.. learn it the hard way inside..

had a pretty gd day.. (or yesterday..)

a nice dinner and walk after dinner.. playin mahjong w alfred lsd n his bro.. did i even win once?
tts damn sad.. big2 was much better.. trashed everyone in the 1st round w three 2s (the biggest 3).. two As.. a set of 5 hearts.. n 3 random cards.. LOL.. winning w throwing singles and dumpin the last set of 5 to end the game.. WOW

den this lsd.. changed the dealing style.. randomly giving me RANDOM cards.. thanx.. my chances of winning = 0.. then he finally decided to be nice to deal properly again.. guess wat.. I won again..

there is the scrabble.. i felt damn sian.. i cant form words.. or form damn dumb words.. i was despised!!! even before NS, i became dumb.. gd one!

the best thing.. dart throwing.. i admit i sucked at it.. always hitting the wall.. sry.. or the cardboard below.. i am the only sei guy to hit the board.. n the dart dropped.. DAMN.. i am a loser.. XD.. however, i think i got one of the highest scores in 3 throws.. i hit the bullseye!! woohoo..

sometimes.. lies are necessary.. haha.. jus to make everyone feel gd =D
but.. never lie to urself..

bad day

quote from the last dance.. it has been months..

"小朋友,你以为死是最坏的吗? 我告诉你..死未必是最差的事.人生最差的事是....脆弱"

someone is right..

hey yahting! if u are reading this.. u are quite right tt the doc prescribed somethin to reduce the side effects of mefenamic acid (non=steriodal anti-inflammatory drug).. paratab (Paracetamol) is tt somethin.. this can only show tt it isnt working v well.. or my intestines or stomach sux..

i am unhealthy!

this is the best present i can get before getting enilsted..
i should be in so-called good condition when i started BMT.. now i feel tt my body is v weak.. i do haf gd luck.. i am super super super lucky!!!

damn i dun trust the doc..

i was prescribed mefenamic acid..

i was kinda bored so i checked up on it.. HOLY crap.. it relieves pain, tts right.. n it has side effects.. a lot of side effects.. n i am quite sure i am suffering from one of them..

forget abt the nausea, loss of appetite, dizziness, drowsiness and headaches (tts quite lame.. cos i was given tt medicine to relief the pain of my headache.. lol) which are included under the list of side effects.. i am not experiencing them yet..

i am suffering from stomach upset.. i haf been diarrhea-ing frequently.. now i feel better.. i dun feel like takin the medication anymore.. but it is only right to complete the course of medication.. which means giving myself more toilet visits.. this sux..

one website said after taking mefenamic acid.. DO NOT lie down after 30 minutes.. the doc din say anythin lidat!! haha.. i took it n went to bed immediately.. omg!!! i am goin to die!!!

it will cause serious side effects too.. like increase risk of heart attacks.. stroke.. i am scared.. someone, pls try to save me..

sob sob T_T

i am sick.. it sux

headache for the entire night.. slpt at 12 plus.. basically when ur head is in pain.. u simply cant slp.. it keeps u awake all nite long.. i did fall aslp for awhile but the pain would wake u up a moment later..

it lasted for hours n when i knew it.. it was alr morning.. it was the 1st time i whined so much in bed.. it is painful.. n my dad's ill too.. din go to work.. slpin for the entire day.. now he is still slping..

i went to a clinic w my mom.. i was so weak tt i need to hold my mom while i walked.. i felt so weak n useless.. i got some headache relieving pills.. vitamin c n fever pills.. i think the headache relieving pills rox.. remove the pain after awhile.. i slpt so peacefully (excluding the sweating).. i changed my shirt at least 5 times.. i sweated too much..

i am a sweating machine!

engine is short..

i completed engine today.. short drama series.. but the children in the home are so adorable.. some of the girls.. one word - NICE! appealing to sight.. XD

am i fallin ill? i dun feel solid now.. like loosening and fallin apart.. haha..
i think i jus need slp.. haha..

who will miss me n sms me everyday when i am on tt island?
i wonder? (besides my mom)

gdnite everyone.. pls dream of me

gd start..

i am beginnin my evolution.. changing for wat i think is the better..

qk has to..

-dun get over-excited when trying to convince others..
-accept criticism.. even though u noe some of them are jus there to make u feel bad..
-talk nicely to ppl.. less confrontations.. or less conversations w the intention to confront..
-be nice to mom.. (dad is included too)
-shake head less.. nod head more.. basically this means be more positive!
-be generous.. it's jus $.. u can always earn them back..
-maintain healthy rship w everyone..
-review the songs/mtv before u intro to anyone.. some may not be able to accept the contents..
-be more sensitive.. learn how to spot the seductive looks..
-dun go and change ppl's maple keys..
-reduce teasing ppl, making fun of the names of others.. pinpoint the negative aspects of others..

i am still living in my happiness.. =D

zzz

time for a change..

turtle shell..

sometimes it is always better to be hiding in ur own turtle shell.. get urself isolated from the rest of the world once u feel happy..

1 wk left n there is nothin much for me to do.. ask ppl out.. no one will go.. msg ppl.. no one will reply most of the time.. call ppl? who can i call?.. forget it.. i think i shud jus slp..

n there is oso the pre-enlistment blues.. i duno y i am feelin blue too..

yst was nice.. i hope everyday was a yst.. =D
all smiles..

call me mad or wat..

now i feel really great..
thanx for everything..

=D

i will continue to love u..
in a different way..

when qk is bored.. he does stuff to make himself feel worse..

i totally agree w the title of this entry..
i always observe qk.. i am his admirer.. i am qk..

y do u haf to go online n see someone online n talk to someone?
even if u talk to someone.. dun ask qns u noe she wont answer?!
n express some of the thoughts u felt abt the convo.. are u jus stupid?!

if u wish to end ur day w some crappy low feeling.. jus do it alone w/o affecting someone else..
mayb she wasnt affected - this thought ends u in deeper shit..
if she was affected - u feel like shit too.. "win-win" situation.. qk, u are really in v v v deep shit..

since u are alr in this state.. jus continue w it? i owe someone an apology n a better explanation.. i jus hate qk for being so curious to find out certain answers even when the answers have no use in changing the situation or anything.. answers will lead to more qns.. vicious cycle.. i knew it.. n yet qk wants to get himself into such messy situations.. he deserves to be smacked..

u are useless.. really useless..

today

has been boring..

zzzz

screwed up..

great.. ntu..
i left the entire chunk for section B blank.. non-academic achievements.. lol..

anyw their format for application is weird..
arts and culture - national lvl.. (i think syf is considered under it) they are vague.. v inspecific..

the write essay (200 words) turns me off.. lol..
i still have to get chengyen his "appraisal" for section B..
see how.. if not need to go sch tml.. sian..

it's raining now.. v heavily..

got tuition later on.. this makes ppl feel dull again..

RAIN = bad luck (i jus think i screwed the application)
it's so accurate XD

abyss of eternal suffering

sometimes..

i need ppl to comfort me too (at the right moments)

gdnite.. (i cant slp)

i dun wanna talk abt it..

y muz "terrible" news always come to me? in one form or another..

forget it.. it will soon be over.. am i happy tt 9 april is coming? lol..

the beginning of ns means the end of something else..

beware of ppl.. i shud jus trust myself.. haha :D

i haf to write this down before i forget..

as for today (tuesday), i woke up at 11 plus i guess.. msn awhile.. eat breakfast+lunch.. den i went to slp again.. (dun remind me tt it's a pig's lifestyle.. dun insult pigs.. they live a more fulfillin life than me) i had a dream before i fell aslp..

is it day-dreaming? or i was half aslp.. w tt dream.. n when i opened my eyes.. i feel really fresh.. like i did not fall aslp at all.. it doesnt matter.. the most impt part abt the dream is tt.. i dreamt of 05s79 as a class.. in some lecture theatre.. appears to be in sch but i am quite sure the interior of the LT isnt the sch's. however the exterior is.. dreams are really amazing..

the contents of the dream is wat i dun wish to talk abt.. it isnt v nc16 or m18.. mayb some might not accept it.. the keyword is might.. (i accept it though).. well.. i will haf the story told halfway.. happy guessing everyone.. dont u jus love suspense and mystery! (i dont)

while i was having dinner. this thought came across my mind.. i wanted to go running later.. n i did.. (as i mentioned in the previous post) my imaginations ran wild.. how did i even think of tt..

i was thinkin if i ran in the park.. which i think shud be v secluded at nite.. v dark.. den some dark guy (i duno why it has to be a dark guy too) will sneak attack me from behind n rape me.. (the idea of me being raped by a guy never came across my mind except for during dinner today).. damn.. den i wondered, will i be traumatized? den will i be exempted from NS? phobia of guys.. or specifically tt part.. or will i be v afraid of dark guys.. how will ppl think of me suddenly exempted from NS? wats the reaction of those arnd me.. i'm sure some will feel disgusted.. i think i will feel disgusted too.. how will i react as a victim? i am unsure too.. i subconsciously told myself i will jus let it go.. will i? i wonder again..

on hindnote..i wont even experience this kinda incidents.. so y bother thinkin so much?!

however, i seriously wonder how do we actually think? how does the brain think? y do i haf such a dream abt ppl (drop hint: a girl) in class.. the image in the dream was so realistic..

anyone wants a discussion? lol

unfit

jus came back from running n bathing.. coooool

ran a weird route.. actually the route doesnt matter.. the pt is i ran.. brought a watch along to time.. it's quite useless though, cos i din even noe wat distance i've covered.. the timing isnt accurate too, w stops to watch the traffic (i dun wanna get knocked down b4 i even see bmt sch 2).. i declare qk unfit.. feeling little bits of pain at the chest.. woohoo.. i am gonna die!! the heart isnt accustomed to the pace yet.. gay..

did some pull-ups.. v few.. pathetic.. but i shud be glad tt it isnt none.. anyw, those few i did implies tt i failed.. lol.. dun think i these few days, it will improve by alot.. so.. jus go in weak.. come out.. abit stronger.. XD

a v dumb idea..
everyone has an id. a set of numbers. diff countries haf diff sets of id.
every prisoner has an id. a set of numbers. diff prisons haf diff sets of id.
everyone is a prisoner..

other similarities
everyone has parents..
every prisoner has parents..
anyone can be a male or female.
any prisoner can be a male or female.

everyone wants freedom.
every prisoner wants freedom.

i conclude.. i am jus acting as a moron.. ignore me..

loads of rubbish

for the past few days, i think i am still quite satisfied w my life. completed another book (finally) watched a few movies (cinema n some from lsd). i do consider it as enriching to the mind.

the interpretation of murder - depicts a story more or less revolving arnd female plottin to ruin this man (who isnt gd too). murders w the incorporation of ideas from freud which i assume is more or less factual. anyw, a note to guys: beware of woman!

movies. watched teenage mutant ninja turtles (w weeloon, the movie he insisted to watch). quite boring. the graphics arent tt great. the turtles arent cool enuf for me. mayb i expect too much from tmnt shows. their turtles look ugly. they shud at least make them more cute. the plot is quite dumb. it is like a guy thing: comradery and honour. the fighting isnt magnificent at all. wat evoke my emotions shud b the comradery the 4 turtles showed. fight tog spirit. the foot clan's honour oso "stunned" me a lil.

talk abt dumb movies.. thanx lsd.. spaceballs.. a real lame parody. "i am a mog. half man, half dog. i am my own's best fren" wtf.. really lame. it is jus a comedy. quite gd for relaxation. spaceballs once again reminded me how scary girls can be.. when the princess vespa's hair was shot. she got pissed off. after "you son-of-a-bitch" she blasted all the troopers. lol. never offend a girl.

the "stranger than fiction" is far better than spaceballs! wats so attractive of the film is the digital graphics showing numbers. etc. slick. the female lead (the baker) is attractive. astonishing beauty! tt smile really melt my heart. did it? haha she's perfect except for the big patch of tattoo on one of her arm. nvm. she is a real beauty. interesting story.. an unique way for the character to halt his daily routine n think abt his life and how he shud live the life he hoped for. this little changes can only happen when u attempt to step out. i guess i reality, one doesnt haf to wait until something happens before reviewing one's life. jus take the first step! wonders awaits u.. qk.. wat are u waitin for? mayb u might even meet a baker too?

ppl move on.. someone cant forget wileen.. face it.. u cant.. the feeling is like bacteria frozen at extremely low temp. it wont die out. it is jus inactive. waitin for the chance, opportunity to act again. haf been playin mario tennis on gba emulator.. it's tennis.. i downloaded maple again. 600+mb. sometimes i jus cant let go. imissu always exists, his existence was for angeleen, n now still is for angeleen (even though imissu is a screwup priest).. m i waitin for her to thaw the ice. give the bacteria warm again to be active again, multiply n grow, infest her.. qk! stop dreaming.. it probably wont happen..

HEY YOU! dont u dare to extinguish the flames of my hope! i still haf the right to hope.. ah Q k.

ppl are busy, engross in their work :D tts a gd thing.. qk feels neglected but it shudnt be much of a prob. he understands.. anyw, he is used to bein alone.. long live qk..

i desire power. i demand popularity. i detest porcupines! (jus kidding)

penning too much nonsense only implies tt qk needs to rest.
gdnite, my world!
qk the great