*gulp. 

swallow.

life moves on.

there's just so much emotion and stories within a day.
and it's only the beginning of 2023.
I can't say I've heard the worst, nor can I say I understand.
what everyone is going through is different.
I've watched these people around me for so many years (though not physically present daily); never had I realised they had issues. everyone just seems so normal (normal on the outside, but scarred on the inside which I've failed to detect).

no one's life is easy. albeit similar, but vastly different.
somedays I wish I had to power to help people, but it's just not my area of expertise (sometimes).

some days, it seems like a been-there-done-that moment.
but would you actually know how she feels?
and also everyone's experience is a little different.
having it at 14 versus 27, being in a different family, makes the entire process dissimilar.

thinking back, I can't quite recall how things just got by.
i only remember snippets of it, and the rest felt like the memories just erased, or maybe things had been too sudden and gone too quickly.
though it's been 7 years, but this feeling doesn't fade with time.
and it's not a bad thing that it doesn't.

at the end of day, life goes on.

"everything happens for a reason" said the 14 yo.

what matters is how you wanna live your life.

episode #2.

sigh; adulting sucks.

i accidentally re-read the past blog posts of someone else's blog.

HAH. such young lads we were back then; rowdy and immature. emo and nonsensical. 🙃

you know there's a chinese say that goes: 温故知新. after re-reading some of the posts, I feel like I understand some better. But there's still the 80% that baffles me. I half-wish I knew/know, but then again maybe not. cause sometimes the truth hurts. & as usual, ham, egg and cheese :)

some days I'd really want to know what happened, but deep down I know the answer I'll get is probably a "I don't know".

maybe it's true, maybe it's not. sometimes I feel it matters, but actually, does it really? is it really that important to know, now, or even in the future. why not let the past be the past and stop letting it haunt you. 

yesterday I spoke to an uncle, like all typical uncles, sharing their side of the stories; their complaints and their thoughts (that they deem is accurate). 
and when it progressed towards topics about end-of-life, it suddenly dawned upon me that I never got to speak to my dad bout such stuff. I never asked what he felt about hospitals, how he wanted his final days to be like, where he'd want to be, etc.
I can't remember why, but I felt like he was always bothering me so much, that I ignored his calls, and even put his contact as a "Do Not Answer". But he always got me the best phone (which I rejected all his offers to get me an iphone), and the best food. And only after he left, and after many years of working life, I realised all he wanted was a listening ear or maybe just silent company. 
How many times we had visited him at the hospital, but he didn't speak much. He'd chase us home. But yet he'll want to phone us, etc. 
Ohwells, like what leehom says "失去才会懂得珍惜". It's true, really.

It's funny how I visit him more often now that he's gone than when he's around. 
Even though he probably won't know it, but I secretly hope he does, though. hah.

when you've past the age, you silently grow old, and so do your parents but without you realising.

I guess that's the cycle of life.

some days, that fine line still bothers me.

when to versus when not to.

and if i do versus if i don't.

but somehow or rather, I guess I've grown a little; knowing how to manage expectations, and adapting to changes.

and still appreciating every single little thing.

some days it may seem bad, but there's always something good that happened yesterday, or will happen tomorrow. you just gotta remember and believe in it. :)

after multiple goal settings at work, i start to wonder: what's my goal in life?

honestly, i'm not quite sure.

new year; no new me. 

maybe it's time to start making some changes to keep up; and to keep myself on my toes.

when you start getting too used to things around, you lose out on the sharpness to your surroundings.. i guess that's also the ideology people have been adopting at work places.

it's not easy.
it really isn't.

so glad that at least 1 person acknowledges and agrees with such difficulties.

everyone is different.
every combination of people results in a different outcome too.

and such differences are interesting; 
how people handle, how people manage.

but it's always good to hear from others. 

to learn things that I've haven't been seeing, from a 3rd party perspective.

I especially love what bf shared bout two relatively different individuals coming together, living together and she concludes with: it depends on what matters to you. if it matters to you (more than the other), then you'll get it done.

maybe that's why i love catching up with people, cause they help me to see things that I'm blinded to.

 what for?

i kept asking myself this question.

why do I bother to accept this invitation, thinking that it'll be a win-win situation. but in the end, it's just a triple lose situation and getting myself all tired and unhappy.

if the pain and effort was worthwhile, i won't be feeling this meh. but when it brought about displeasure, imperfections, having to deal with childish self-centered people, all these additional burdens are just )@#&!)%*_!%.

i guess it's worse when you receive negative feedbacks for rants.

what for? i asked again.

no more next time for sure.

i'll take it as a lesson learnt; price paid are the efforts that went in. 

 此时无声胜有声。。。

i guess we both know. the dilemma when the line is too fine, and grey. 

what's too much, what's not enough. 

what should, and what should not.

some things are never that absolute.

when you realise life is actually a concatenation of bad choices;

#feelingmeh

for the first time in life, i'm not allowed to help.
this feels so weird; and it's portrayed like/as though it's a sin to help.

while I respect everyone's culture and beliefs, 
but the level of control feels manipulative.

hopefully I'm wrong and seeing the wrong side of things.
and nothing nasty comes out of it.
else i'd have become an accomplice if someone lends into depression.

this feeling is terrible.
the unnecessary stress for something I didn't ask for, killed my appetite.

thankfully there was a quick fix to this situation.
albeit not the most ideal, but at least it got me out of misery.

hopefully everything gets back on track.

sometimes i think to myself:
what if I don't have the strength to pull through?

much as the brain often works hard, but some days the brain just doesn't quite work logically enough.
and when the brain is weak, stupid ideas start popping.
so maybe it isn't such a great idea that I'm living on high floors in those instances. 

always a constant self-reminder that escape may be the path of least resistance, but also not the smartest decision.

HAH.

the line is so fine for everything.
like going over the BMI cut-off,
like being nice without being taken advantage of,
and similarly in many other situations.

and where's the line that everything snaps?

what and where's the boundary?

no one knows. even for oneself.

#foodforthought

museum-hopping;

i've always imagined myself spending a day at probably places like MOMA. but never could imagine a day like this in sg.
and;
i managed to prove myself wrong!

i guess museums aren't that bad afterall, that is if you went with the right people :)

never thought that museums helped to open up more conversations.
but the clause is, the other party has to have an interest in the first place :')

while the world situation is just getting bad again,
i'm just thankful that I've got more support than I could ever ask for.
be it family, friends, work, etc.

#blessedisme

keeping a balance;

the toughest part.
it often takes just a little to cross the limit, go over the line, or go off balance.

and where's really the line/limit?

how do we determine or control?

of managing expectations;

on days when i get lazy, the brain refuses to re-calibrate. 
that's when issues start blooming.

much as I want it to be the same, 
I know it won't be.
and it can't be.

mehs.

i really miss travelling.

missing the playlist from the 2000s.

somehow those songs randomly came into mind tonight;
the playlist on my mp3 back during JC days.
the songs that kept me company at Cambridge.

Song of the night: Keane; somewhere only we know.

 everything happens for a reason;

every day I continue to learn;
&hopefully it's for the better.

humans are humans for a reason.
cause we're not infallible.
& to err is human.
that's why we have a term called "Human Mistakes".

whatever the case, 
we learn and hopefully, improve with every mistake and lesson learnt.

good decisions gone bad; again.

i guess sometimes life needs to be a rollercoaster to keep us on our toes. and that we're always ready for whatever comes our way.

and at the same time, appreciating all the good in life.

#toughdays
#weakheart

of speaking to many different people and hearing many varying thoughts and opinions.

&so i went round asking many friends why they chose to get married.
it's interesting the array of answers i received. 

I don't always pen down the joys and happiness.
not that I do not experience them, but it's just whether there's a need to.
I prefer noting down the thoughts and reflections, and especially the negative ones to clear them of the brain.
& to keep the happy ones within. :)

or maybe deep down, I'm still a pessimist by nature. HAH.

song of the night: 君をのせて (Studio Ghibli Piano Collection)

用盡餘生的勇氣;

some days i continue to wonder what gave me the courage to open my mouth :O