So, I've been thinking, this is the last post. I'm going to wordpress where the option to lock individual posts makes me feel more secure.

Look at the psycho, she is smashing my hamster into her Blackberry. Hmph.

Kind of a feminist move for me, but I'm doing it also for Exhibitionists, Voyeurs and Narcissism.

We always think that boys/men are the ones who are comfortable with their bodies while females are eternally self-conscious and suffer from low self-esteem about their appearance.

This, is to prove you wrong.

The main idea of this project is to use the notion of Upskirting on males; hence Upshirt. Using a camera, I will snap males from under their shirt. Help would be greatly appreciated. And stop being a wimp.

As the orgy master would say, 'The more the merrier'.
And don't you just love the event picture?

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=240385831436#/event.php?eid=240385831436&ref=mf

Currently still in Chiang Mai and my god, I can't wait to get home. Will be finally coming back tmr! :D Being in the land that encourages ridiculous and unmoral behaviour with my family is so suffocatingly restrictive that it's driving me crazy.

I've had my first alone flight, ate manually bbq-ed pork & chicken, ate beef ball noodles, had a stray puppy chew at my thumb, rode on an elephant without a saddle, showered using a pail and cold water, not shower for a few days, try to smoke secretly, used all metal utensils, peed on a makeshift toilet on a bamboo boat raft, laughed at my pee while I did so, not wear make up for so long I forgot how it's like to have stuff on your face, rode on the back of a sand truck like an immigrant, shouted at a church member, hit my right toenail, sat on a bus that was speeding through the mountains and thought I was going to die, wrote on a lantern and watched it fly so high it became a star, ate so much rice in one sitting till I was convinced I was obese.

And I still can't wait to get home.

One good thing is that I got to spend so much time with Nikon.

More pics when I get home.

I remember having some pictures in my camera, but Nikon isn't with me at the moment.

Today I woke up at an ungodly hour of 6.45am, wished I'd slept earlier and literally willed myself out of bed. Work was fun though, it was at Sims Avenue and being around people who weren't like people you usually see in town was refreshing (and annoying because some were pervs as well). Come down if you're a big musical instrument fan (hahah)! Swee Lee's year end sale could do with more people.

Being ignorant as I am, I was very surprised to see so many instrument enthusiasts queue up in the fucking hot sun just for instruments. Haha. Well, I obviously can't appreciate instruments as much but props to them man. I was feeling bad for not letting them in.

So while the entire world is shoveling in the dirty sand and playing peekaboo with boobies, I'm home and ready to sleep soon. And I love it. And I'm listening to John Mayer, I think I'm ageing rapidly; even my hands are starting to get freckly.

In some ways, I am quite excited to run away to Thailand for Christmas and New Year. I always have big expectations for those two occasions (no matter how hard I try to persuade myself not to) and end up disappointed. Maybe riding elephants and sitting on bamboo rafts would be better. Of course it would! What am I talking about?

I want to go back to drawing and reading too.

In the meantime, I shall leave you with webcam photos. I tried to whore myself out to my webcam but I find myself looking weirder instead. Isn't the act of self pimping supposed to make me feel better about myself??

I tried various facial positions and found out that my right front tooth (which is slightly protruding due to bad after braces care) enabled me to only show whiteness when my mouth deformed this way. So weird huh. Look at my face, I'm fascinated with my tooth.

Then I tried to act a little sexy and my lips ballooned. What the hell? I don't remember my lips being This thick. And look at the mess behind me, not mine! Hahaha.

The best webcam photo is always the one with someone making the uglier face and you laughing at said person. Seriously, S's face is not human and I am so tickled I laugh till my face looks like it's cramping up.

Okay, Toodles Noodles.

Some days her shape in the doorway
Will speak to me
A bird's wing on the window
Sometimes I'll hear her when she's sleeping
Her fever dream
A language on her face

I want your flowers like babies want God's love
Or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come

Some days, like rain on the doorstep
She'll cover me
With grace in all she offers
Sometimes I'd like just to ask her
What honest words
She can't afford to say, like

I want your flowers like babies want God's love
Or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come

So that was the party (more pics at FB as usual). No, sorry, that was the chill-out session that turned out to be a party somehow. Oh, I know, I invited M! Hahhaa.

The CJ gang was trying to imitate the faces I make for photos, and I'm getting more conscious of them. I don't know why I squint my eyes when I take photos. I guess I just don't like a boring happy face? Ha. I had my boobies cake whose nipples I plunged the candles into to make it look more realistic. After seeing those boobies, I'm feeling a little inferior about mine.

C was a very very kind host and had to run around everywhere to open gates and make sure people had what they needed. And of course, D, A and S who were practically doing stuff for me like it was their birthday. Big thank you and much love.

I have to admit that it was stressful and slightly weird in the beginning, but I wouldn't want to change how everything turned out (well, maybe except for C's cigarettes). It was a great messy way to officially usher in 21 and an almost perfect representation of how the rest of my life is going to be; messy organized.

SEE YOU AT THE BEACH IN 14HRS GIRLIES.

Yeah, so 3rd December is a day away and my mum gave me the 'what are you going to do with your life' talk. Truthfully, I don't want to grow up. I want to be like Peter Pan; fly around all day with the least possible clothing and a dagger.

I don't feel sad that I have no answer when you ask me what I plan to do with my life because that's the honest truth and I actually feel proud that I'm admitting that and not doing something I don't like. Because I have been doing that for 21 years. I only woke up to the world when I was 15 (yes, I was living in a bubble before) and now I feel is when I can make the decision on what to with my life. Although it might seem like nothing at the moment, inside I feel in control.

I might be aimless but at least I still have a hold over my own life.

Why can't we all be hippies and eat grass?
I hate talking about money, even though I still do because it is of my utmost concern now given that I'm broke most of the time. Money makes me depressed, it is narcisstic to the highest degree. But then again, I don't wish I could be so rich that money means nothing to me because I would be too apathetic to understand what the rest of the world is going through. In short, I would be living in a bubble (aka Spoilt). And living in a bubble at 21? Really? That's for the Bubble Boy to do.

Anyway, 21 is also when I would like to remember my friends and people who have come and gone in my life. I might not be the most impressionable person but every single person definitely changes me in some way. And I would like to say that I truly appreciate everyone who has been or is in my life, although sometimes I might be too caught up with society (I hunger for the world like a kid to candy) or self-pity.

Everyone of you are the people who have moulded me to the weird shape I am today, and I am grateful no less (even if we are currently not on good terms).

So, the world is waiting for me to peel it's outer skin of material away and I've only just begun.

Last night we went to Play, like every other Thurs, but also because Sheryo and Manda were performing there. It was an unofficial RCGNTN coverage. By 11pm, the place was packed and while R was spinning, our favourite sleazy lesbian club turned into HomeClub. Some people were upset, many people were still on the dancefloor and I was soaking it in (although the music could've been a little louder).

I don't know why but before the party started I was feeling a little out-of-sorts; my mind was wandering somewhere else. But I was saying the place was packed, I have never seen the club so jammed up with lesbians. It was as if the Gates of Lesbian Hell opened, I swear.

Of course, I met some familiar faces and old ones as well. I was so out-of-sorts, even with the loud thumping music that the only thing I remember the most clearly was holding back the urge to tell you that I'd wanted to go home with you.

You left, and we had supper (too much supper actually, I think my butt is getting bigger) and the always kind S drove us all home while smelling his baby blue lucky scarf. He and I were talking in the car on the way home, when we had sent everyone back and I realised that Thursdays seemed to be very narcisstic for me.

You know how some people display their narcissism by taking pictures/looking in mirrors/talking about themselves? Thursdays seemed to be when I would think about my life the most. Maybe because of the significance of Play that reminds me of certain people. And it is, honestly, not healthy. I might be acting out my own dramatic skit and I don't want myself to fall into that category of theatrics.

Let's find something else to do on Thursday besides Tanjong Pagar.

Finally got some sun, although nothing really tanned except my nose, forehead and cheeks. And as you see, I really need a new bikini (HINT**). Alright, I'm tired and there's nothing much to say except that my guacamole rocks!

Kiss.

Mum: What are you doing here? -smiles vilely
S: ?
Y: Er, she came to pick up her SD Card.
Mum: Okay. -she leaves
S: Why did she ask me that?
Y: (I am laughing by this point) Oh, cos I told her we broke up.

I love my mum! :D For making it obvious where I inherited my bitch from.

I also love how we have such a mutual understanding and level of comfort with each other that even if everything might not be at the place where you want it to be, we know that all that matters is that we're there for each other. I only have love for you still.

(The above takes the place of what I previously wanted to say about how having most of your friends not believe you breaking up is worse than the break up itself.)

Speaking of friends, some friends whom I used to think I would die for have been playing hide and seek with me. Seriously, is a friendship THAT hard to upkeep? Stop telling me you'll meet me next week for my birthday because I don't even have plans yet for it, and yknow I would rather not celebrate it for you to meet me now. URGH. (Note: This does not apply to everybody.)

Okay, I'm going to draw. It's a fucking Sunday morning and I have an image so vivid in my head, I have to draw it out. Good morning!

By the way, check out this awesome Katy Perry acoustic!

Katy Perry - New Music - More Music Videos

You were beautiful. Not flawless, but flawed in ways that you were good for me but there are some things I have to figure out on my own (as cheesy as it sounds). Truth is, I don't know if there is a solution to the problem when the problem is me. Maybe I think too much, and people say there are certain questions there are no answers for, but we cannot keep going in circles.

I apologise for leaving just when we had hope. I sincerely, honestly thought it could work out and believe me, I tried. But love, is not enough for me. I need answers. You could say, that this time, it's I who has to find myself. I've never really known who I am, I am foreign to me, mostly. And so it would not be fair for you if we continued on.

And it's important that I find myself alone, so I wouldn't get too dependent on you. So we would be two individuals and not a mass of confusing problems we cannot find.

Q: What does it say when instead of feeling any other emotion, I straight away become angry at you even when it's not your fault?

I've thought about how Growing Up completely removes the sexual aspect of maturing (an irony given that the show is called such). I mean, family members all live together with Gary, David and their father in the same room. Er, so they don't need to masturbate? Which would make them mentally unstable in theory from all the pent up sexual frustration.

It's just such a predictable thing for Singapore television to do. But I can't blame them. If I remember correctly, the internet wasn't as big as it is today so the masses were still able to digest squeaky clean characters.

I love Growing Up, don't get me wrong but it's getting so unrealistic (as they grow older), it irks me.

Alright, I'm done. So the website is coming along nicely. S and I are not pushing ourselves to complete it asap. I don't know if we should be, but we're also treating this as a little break to refresh. And I think that anticipation is still present; Y and I are rearing to start posting. :D

The time meanwhile has been great. I completely feel like a bummer, not a half-fuck bummer. Hahah. I do kinda hope this time lasts, but this is not reality and reality is hard work.

I haven't been bringing my camera around much because S lost my lens cap. Anyone know where to get one for Nikon regular lens?

The happiest person would be the simplest person, and that's never going to be me; I think too much. But photos like that give me hope of some kind. I miss those days when I was a fat piece of chub, just waiting for my next meal or new toy.

Today was meant to be fun but turned out quite the opposite. My handphone officially killed me when the * button self-destructed and so now I can't unlock the damn thing. I have resorted to using a kind friend's phone in the meantime. It worries me how many important numbers I have stored in my phone that now cannot be retrieved. Fuck!

Also, S's dog completely ravaged and raped my right slipper so I had to come home in his (the human not the dog's) slippers. AND, RCGNTN is facing some technical difficulties as of now. I don't know how they got started thinking it might be from hackers, but I have a gut feeling it's just Wordpress or Yahoo failing.

I am also very broke. I shall officially consider myself jobless and not waiting for a job. :(
It would be nice to have someone hold me now. Well. I tried holding my hamster, it worked for a bit.

It's like we're groping the dark to find, but we don't realise the whole time our hands have been tied together.

Back from the Sup party! And I realised my money is running low. URGH. Why hasn't CTW emailed me back. I would be the most depressed person if they rejected me because of my lateness for the interview/unenthusiasm/(which was due to) my morning sinus/tattoo. :((((

I am such a loser. No one wants me to work for them.

Today felt very glum (if that is proper sentence structure). I don't know if it was the weather or the lack of familiar people (S and D I'm talking about you), I was a soggy piece of cloth the whole way. Even alcohol couldn't help me.

I am once again craving to laze around some water source. It would be nice if C would plan the Fishball Party NOW. Thanks.

Finally quit Players. Sorry, I have an attitude problem and cannot serve people with my age who also have an attitude. They can suck my cock, seriously. So what if you're from a university? So what if your IQ is higher than mine or your grades better than mine? Let's see who gets the most out of life, suckers! I get very angsty when I think of such losers. They should step out of their little JC and Uni bubble to see what the world is really like. Woe is them.

AHHAHAa. Don't hate me now. I still have plenty of love for the rest of you. (K)

I have a feeling watching Ponyo will make me feel better. Hello world of magical anime!

If a person's hotness were to be measured by how many times he/she has been a victim of molest/stalking, then I must be the ugliest motherfucker on the planet.

HAHAHAH.

This is so depressing in a fortunate way.

Oh, and how do you poach eggs? I've tried to, but the whites like to swim away. :(

So I was a pirate for Halloween, not because I wanted to but because I had to for work. Speaking of work, it makes my blood boil. Change topic, now. It's also the exam period now and although I'm not going to be taking any paper, I can't wait for it to be over so I can have my friends and lover back. I swear, from my experience, exams kill the love.

My body is finally giving up on me after continuous late nights. Why oh why! I should be an android. Totally.

Oh yeah, the other day we were walking at Far East and walked past Graffiti Cafe. We were commenting on how wasted it was that people scribbled over the (professional) graffiti when we realised it was done by Antz. Hahaha. It was nice thinking he and his Sun Wukong monkey was watching over us while it was slurping back noodles.

The magazine has been slow lately but yknow, life goes fast and slow sometimes. DEAL WITH IT!

SmudgeXDevilock @ Rebel







-

Midnight Shift @ Helipad

Pictures for you! If you're not my friend on Facebook! Hahahah.

I was talking to M, and she was saying how nice it was that I could attend parties all the time. Frankly, I've quickly come to realise that there's actually nothing special about being at a party with the right kinds of people. Yeah, you could be mingling with JJ Lin or whoever, but we're all human afterall.

What matters most is the company. Of course, alcohol does wonders, but when you've to write a review you definitely don't want to get drunk early in the night especially when you've to make sure you don't spoil your camera & expensive flash (which is not yours).

You know, I don't get those people who try to mention big important parties that they are attending to make themselves sound more important. You could be at the biggest, most happening party and be so bored you could scratch your eyes out. Or you could be at a friend's house and have the most fun ever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that attending parties is not as glamorous at you think it might be, and I'm getting more affirmed of my belief that being 'popular' or a 'scene kid' is as lame as it sounds.

Sorry I haven't been posting much, one 'blog' is enough to upkeep.

I am presently awake, with my right eye hurting this time, and haven't shat in 2 days. I have issues with irregular bowel movements which seems to be happening frequently. I would use my schedule as a reason but I don't remember being busy the last two days; those were chill-at-home days.

My youngest sister is going to run around the neighbourhood ALONE now, and just succeeded in making me feel like the most unhealthy bitch in the house. At the rate I'm going, I'll be dead by 50 meaning all my dreams of 'letting my hair down' when I'm 80 will be dashed! I need to eat more french beans!

Yesterday seems a little surreal. Maybe I was too excited meeting Y or I had too much alcohol, but it seems like there were too many incidents to fit into a day/night.

Last night at Play I met C, a friend from my christian-camp days (haha; self mockery). I don't think I was surprised but it was nice meeting someone from my clean, boring past who is like me. It's like the type of people whom you couldn't click with in the past now are relatable.

I should wash my hair now. Hmmm.

Okay, come to think of it not a lot of things happened. Well, that doesn't change the fact that I am constipated now. I'm going to drink some expensive Japanese bacteria. (So proud of my little sister's commitment to exercise! I exercise through her!)

Tonight will be busy as well; Blackmarket party at Zouk and Midnight Shift at Helipad.
I might as well just be a fucking owl. Nabei.

I could follow you to the beginning
And just relive the start
And maybe then we'll remember to slow down
To all of our favorite parts

I miss everyone. I don't know what to do for my birthday anymore.

The past week has been busy, meeting new contributors for the website and getting to know people we were already acquainted with better. The Carbon4 party was a perfect end to the busy 4 days.

I managed to watch Sonofa play!! And before that, I had no clue what type of music they do, but after one performance I am a believer! Hahaha. They are amazing! They mostly do electronic and percussion, and that night they mixed it up by playing trance/electro (Benny Benassi and Evermore!) LIVE. Fucking amazing that's all I have to say.

Our first time partying with the Sup crew, and Plussixfive reps were also present. I love it when I meet people behind amazing concepts and they turn out to be more humble than the other 70% of the population who have nothing to speak of. I cannot stress how important it is to remain grounded, whether or not you get to accomplish anything.

The drinks were also coming in by the jugs so conversation was easy. S, though, went a little overboard by discussing about business in the club. I think we need to be clear about our work ethics, as long as there is alcohol involved, all talk about business will be deemed invalid.

So yes, I've been meeting many new people who have mostly been absolutely generous in extending their help. It's fun no doubt, but I'm starting to miss a few familiar faces. You know who you are!

On Sunday, S and I had fun by guessing what the white specks was on the head on the old man sitting in front of us. We couldn't decide on what it was; too big for dandruff & too little hair for dandruff anyway. I apologise if he is your father, we don't mean to offend you.

Anyway we were headed to Haji Lane to meet our new addition to RCGNTN Team, Y. He turned out to be as cool as we expected him to be and very enthusiastic about the local hip-hop scene; which is just what we need. After that, we just hung around with J at the store, had pizza (dear Mosi Cafe was closed for renovations) and watched the boys play ping pong in the middle of the street. I kinda miss the spontaneity boys have.

S and I were talking about motivating me to do the website. I haven't been doing my part in the last few weeks, and I know it. Truth is, I don't feel challenged to update it. I just put up stuff that is on the net for people to see; I am recycling information without using it to come up with a new conclusion. It effectively means I have no need to use my brain, and anything that doesn't require me to use my brain loses my attention.

I guess what we need to work out is something specifically for me to write and learn. [We also came to the conclusion that maybe I miss studying.] I haven't pursued my 'thirst for knowledge' in awhile now, I don't even read books anymore due to running around. Maybe I should, it might get me inspired.

Now, though, I am in need of hugs. Anyone?