( 007 )

I took my time, trying to find the right words. "I always feel as if I'm struggling to become someone else. As if I'm trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I suppose it's part of growing up, yet it's also an attempt to re-invent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself - as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What's missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I'm still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I think that lack itself is as close as I'll come to defining myself."
- Haruki Murakami: South of the Border, West of the Sun

I'm always alone. While everyone else has their clique of friends to go around school with, hang out in town with, just plain have friends, I'm always the one sitting outside by myself, watching in as everyone else laughs and has fun and wonder just what the hell is wrong with me. Why am I so unlikable, so unfriendable? Why does everyone else have good friends except for me. I feel so unwanted by people.

I wish I wasn't so lonely. I try not to ponder too much about why I don't seem to have people to hang out with, but I just don't know why I don't. I feel so unlikable. When I think too much about it, I just feel like crying, but what's the point of tears since they don't solve anything at all. No one likes me, no one will. I'll always be that weirdo loser chick who's not liked by anyone. But really though, what's it about it that makes me so unlikable? I miss life before this, when everything and everyone was simpler.

We make life so political, so complicating and complicated and what for. Does it matter in the end? We're all people too. Why do we like to over-analyze things, think too much about what others say, worry about what others think of us and just make ourselves sadder than we already are?

( 006 )

It’s when I’m standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I’m still in love with you. It’s when I’m sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight. It’s when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you’re the only one who really knew me at all. It’s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It’s when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.

- James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

All this time, I've been trying to tell you how unwanted I feel, how unneeded I feel by the world but you always brush me aside, brush my feelings away. And somehow, these days I feel as though it doesn't matter whether I'm around or not. I don't matter, it doesn't matter whether I'm around or not. Rather, when I am around, I just end up being an annoyance, a hindrance. I shouldn't even be here.

All these self doubts and negative thoughts were the same ones I thought I managed to get rid off a few years ago. In the end, it doesn't matter at all, does it? Whatever I say or do or feel. I'm just someone insignificant and nothing can ever change that fact. I thought I mattered, but in the end, it was not to be so. I'm alone, I always am and will always be. No matter how much I care for another or love another, nothing is given i return. I pour everything I am into the relationships I have with others but nothing comes out of them except dust. I try not to think of you, but you haunt my every waking moment. Why is it so hard to let go of this, the way you always do? Why can't you just let me be for awhile. I can't bring myself to turn my back to you so I walk behind.

I'm always left behind to wipe my tears away while you walk on ahead. And you never turn back to watch me. You never do. I'm always running breathlessly behind you, trying to hold on but you never wanted me. You never needed me. I'm always the one whose tears are running down my cheeks down to my pillow at night while you rest easy, never realizing how very much I'm hurt by you.

( 005 )

On the morning you woke beside me--already thinking of going away--the sun did not fill my window as it does most mornings. Instead there was cloud and threat of snow. How I wish it could always be this way--that on mornings it cannot come itself, the sun might send me you.
-Alice Walker

I feel so taken for granted by the people around me all the time and it makes me feel lonely. I don't understand why; is there something wrong with me? Was I meant to be forgotten? I've been telling you how lonely I've been feeling but you never seem to realise how deep these rivers of pain are. Maybe we've been as one for so long till you've forgotten just how vulnerable I am minus the happy smiles I put on in front of you. I can't help it, I just feel so alone and forgotten even by the people I love.

These days, I'm the one reaching out to take hold of your hand. I'm the one who pulls you to me when I want to be held. I'm the one doing all the chasing and I can't go on like this for much longer. It's so exhausting to be the one holding on and you're just standing there limply while I reach out for you. What's wrong? Busy as you are, are you too busy to even give me a smile and hold me? I feel so dull inside. My heart aches so bad with yearning for the person who used to spend hours with me, tickling me and making me laugh. I keep telling myself that you're just busy and you need time to sort things out, but how long more can that excuse last? You'll always be busy. I'll always be the last person on your mind, the last person you call out or tell things to. No matter how often I tell you this, you don't bother to take it to heart. You say that I'm the most important, but why don't I feel it?

My heart is aching with loneliness and you don't realise it as I stand back and let you do whatever you want. After all, in the end, I am just a forgotten bystander.

( 004 )

"I'll tell you what real love is. It is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your whole heart and soul to the smiter..."
- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

I've been doing a lot of thinking about relationships and the way we dance around people on the pads of our feet, treading lightly, too afraid to shatter the glass pane connecting us together. I'm tired of stepping carefully and only after testing my ground numerous times. I'm tired of the superficiality between people, how easily lies come to our mouths and are expelled with nary a blink of the eye. I miss being anonymous online, I miss being looked over easily by people. I don't like feeling as though I owe people time.

How often do we tell another person we love them only because it's expected of us to say so, and not because we truly mean it? How often do we talk to another person only because we're supposed to keep up appearances and not because we truly feel a connection with them and want to actually get to know them better? I want to remove all traces of myself from the online world and start anew. I want to forget people and remember myself. There's this feeling that I'm so torn apart into many small pieces and everyone else is holding some part of me, till I am nothing and no one.

We used to communicate with other people only because we wanted to, now we do it because we're expected to and the conversations are filled with unspoken truths and lies said aloud. It's really tiring to have to put on a fake front everyday and be all smiles when all I want to do is to lash out and tell people to get away from me, that I'm a black hole that they'll get sucked into and stuck and nothing good will ever come out of this. There are so very few people who I can stand being around for a long period of time and not get tired of them. I get bored of people easily, I make friends then lose them after awhile and honestly, I don't care at all. I'm tired of handing my heart out on a platter for them to eat and throw up.

Love isn't easy to see, let alone grasp hold of and keep by your side. I was lucky to meet my only one early at this age and even after so long together, I haven't gotten tired yet. I don't really like the way I toy with people only to leave them after awhile, but it's just the way I am. I don't care about hurting others, or rather, I feel bad for a while then move on to the next person to break down. I don't understand why I'm built this way, but I really don't care how much it hurts others anymore. I used to be the broken one. Now I'm the one who breaks others.

( 003 )

"But some of us awake in the night with strange phantasms of enchanted hills and gardens, of fountains that sing in the sun, of golden cliffs overhanging murmuring seas, of plains that stretch down to sleeping cities of bronze and stone, and of shadowy companies of heroes that ride caparisoned white horses along the edges of thick forests; and then we know that we have looked back through the ivory gates into that world of wonder which was ours before we were wise and unhappy."
- H.P. Lovecraft, Celephaïs

Why is it that even though I'm surrounded by hundreds of people, I still feel so alone? As I watch the crowds ebb and flow, watch them come and go, I just feel like I'm a tiny speck of sand on a beach. I'm just one insignificant being in the grand scheme of things and it's not a really nice feeling to have. I used to feel important, like I meant something to someone at least, but these days I feel more like a burden instead of a joy to have and hold.

There are 4 billion people in the world. Can someone please explain why despite so, I still feel so very alone? Yet at the same time, there's another person's heart beating in sync with mine, sharing the same connection. I've known you for about 3 years now and we've been more than friends for 2 and a half years. I don't know how you do it but when I'm around you, I never feel alone, I never feel unwanted nor unneeded. I can just go to you for anything and know that you'll be there to wrap your arms around me and wipe the tears from my eyes. I need you in the way people need the bones in their body; for support and protection.

There are times when we disagree, there are times when we don't see eye to eye on things. Yet throughout this time spent together, you've never given up on me even when I was at my lowest points or burst my happy bubbles when I was being silly. I still don't really know what you see in me, but thank you for everything, my love. I'm glad that we met each other and always tried to work things out instead of running away at the first sight of problems. I've said it once and I'll say it again; you're the one and only for me.

I love you and I always will.

( 002 )

"I've tried to say it a thousand different ways. I've tried twisting the words inside out and doubling them back over onto themselves. I've tried coming up with words in different languages, because maybe they have words for this thing (I couldn't say what it is) that we're missing in this one. I've tried saying the same words over and over again in hopes that this time they'll mean what I want them to mean. I've tried writing it down and spelling it out and stressing each syllable across intercontinental static. I've filled up pages and pages of paper with what I'm trying to say, but never with what I mean to say.
Maybe it annoyed you in the end. Maybe I should just stop."
- Loren Barnes

I wish I could remember what it feels like to be truly happy once again. I can't seem to recall the last time when I put my whole heart into something, can't remember the last time I had a true, heartfelt smile. It's easy to say that I should be happy, but try as I may, I just can't work up the energy to smile blissfully any longer. Everyone keeps having expectations of me, of the way I should act and the way I should be and I just can't live up to those expectations. And even so, I don't even know what I want for myself, what makes me feel better.

I used to think that you'd make me feel better, take the pain away and make me laugh once more but now do I realise; in the end, I am alone without anyone to truly rely on. I can't keep going on this way. I need to try and find my spark again, try to remember what used to make me smile and tying myself to everything just does not help. Out of 4 million other hearts, I had to choose yours to bind with mine. Is it for the better or for the worse? I don't know any longer. I love you with every breath I take, with every thump of my still-beating heart but is love enough? We live in a world made of glass and each day another person falls and shatters. I feel so lonely at times, my heart seems to be jumping out of my chest into my throat and choking the breath from my lungs. I can't function properly in life; I can't seem to do anything right.

I just feel so lost. What is the point of anything anyway? In the end we just fall apart into pieces. I don't know what my goals in life are, I don't remember the meaning of what I'm doing. It feels like I'm in a rut, a cycle that I cannot break out of and I don't understand myself anymore. I keep questioning everything with no answers in sight and even though I feel so blank and unfilled, I don't have the energy to keep fighting everything. I don't have the energy to try and convince you to be there for me, to be the one I can rely on. In the end, you always leave me behind.

( 001 )

Honestly I don't even know what made me log into this account after leaving it here for months on end. I do suppose it's out of curiosity. I wonder if there's actually any point in logging on here and updating one single entry. My old posts have been moved to another URL for a clean slate, and I suppose that the new layout is a mark of change as well. I like how clean and neat everything is now; it appeals to the OCD side of me. I like how organized everything is, I like how systematic it looks.

For now, I suppose I'll be sticking around here for a bit while I hide myself from the livejournal community. I'm tired of all the drama there, I'm tired of how everything is gray to everyone there. I need something new, something clean and where people won't judge me. I'm tired of talking to everyone there and yet getting nowhere.

It's tiring to have to connect with people everyday otherwise they'd start thinking that you're tired of them, that you don't like them. For once, I need some time to myself and I refuse to wear myself out just trying to put a smile upon another person's face.

At the same time though, I'm happy with where I am in life right now, I must say. I have a loving boyfriend who cares more about my happiness than his and does his best to accommodate to my every whim and fancy. My parents still have their jobs, for now, and we're probably having a family holiday to Japan end of this year. My friends are on good terms with me and I've been doing my best to catch up with each and everyone of them. My days are spent happily, although not very constructively, but I'm happy.

Let's hope this happiness lasts when school reopens again.