I heard a sentence that is so touching but yet so saddening today. It broke my heart. "I want to hug you more before I go crazy."
I should give up on the new found interest. His is so obviously uninterested and there seems to be no point trying.
I like to be a girl in the relationship. I don't like to initiate things. I'd rather be led than lead. I want to just follow.
I want to have a good year ahead.
dreaming at: 9:51 PM
Lately I have found interest in another person. I think the person was so charming today. I really felt something in my heart seeing way he handles kids. Really can see that he loves children a lot. : )))))
If only there's such a thing as magic potion...
dreaming at: 10:43 PM
Hmmm, it's been a long time again since I last blogged. Somehow, I feel as though time passes very very fast. Without realizing, a month has passed since the last incident.
For the entire of the past month, there had been super a lot on my mind. I cannot stop thinking about a lot of things. But mainly, I cannot stop thinking about this relationship. Where is it going to lead us? Is he the right man for me? What will happen? The more I thought about all these, the more scared I got.
Somehow I think my feelings for him has decreased tremendously. He no longer bring me happiness. I am getting more and more frustrated and irritated with the situation and with his indecisiveness. Sure, I understand that love is a complicated thing to understand, but surely, you know whether you love a person or not and whether you want to spend time with that person or not. Surely you don't expect a girl to wait for you, FOREVER. Waiting for you to figure it out can be such a torture you know?
For the past one month, I should have blogged more. Oh well, I don't think I will read it again anyway, so it doesn't matter. Hmmm, all I know now is that I have changed. The more I talk to him, the more I feel frustrated and irritated. I cannot remember how I felt one month ago anymore. I cannot remember the sadness that overwhelmed me anymore. I cannot remember why I cried for 2 full days anymore. I cannot remember how it felt like when tears flow uncontrollably. More importantly, I don't remember how I felt before the incident anymore. To a very large extent, I don't know why, I cannot feel the super close feeling with you anymore. I cannot feel the happiness you once gave me anymore. I don't want this relationship to end. But I don't want to carry on this relationship like this anymore.
For the past 3 days, I had been thinking about another person. Though I still barely know that person, I feel as though something might happen. Well, he is a very nice guy. I am starting to like his smile and laugh. Thank god we are holding the 2 cases together for the time being. I don't want to close to cases now. Well, let's see what will happen.
Now I am just confused. Why is it so difficult to find love?
I was watching Mysteries of Love. I felt like crying at quite a lot of parts, especially when the female lead broke up with the male lead. Somehow it felt familiar. Sigh.
If I can make a time machine, I want to see the future. I want to know where my life is going to lead me to. A lot of people think leading their own life without knowing the future is going to make life more interesting. I beg to differ. I think I am suffering. I want to know the future. I want to know what I should hold on now, and what I should give up now. I want some certainty. Now, I just feel insecure and unsure.
By the way, I think nowadays I sigh more than any time in the past. I should stop sighing but I really don't know how. Sigh.
dreaming at: 5:40 PM
I am very confused.
Sometimes, I feel as though I don't understand why I am still staying in the relationship. I cannot determine for sure, whether I still love him, or whether I am afraid that I cannot find someone new, or whether I am just afraid of change. I cannot understand myself sometimes, especially when it comes to these emotions.
What happened last week took me a whole week to recover. I still cannot stop thinking about it. I should be strong but I think I am not.
Now I have damn a lot of work piled up just because I couldn't think about anything else but it all the time. Now I need to work triply hard to recover my standing.
As at now, I have successfully delayed my assignment for 4 days. I have another coming up soon but I still have yet to start working on it. I am done for. I am bound to not be able to score high distinction. I only have myself to blame.
Now I should start focusing and thinking about my papers.
What I need to do VS what I want to do. Which one wins? :(
I think I will start opening my mind and eyes, so that my Mr. Right will have a chance to come into my life. :)
dreaming at: 12:47 AM
Tonight I feel weird. I feel as though there is someone out there waiting for me.
I feel hopeful.
dreaming at: 11:09 PM
A somewhat crazy idea just came to me. I will draw up a list of say, 100, exciting things I want to do and do it by the time I die. Also, draw up a list of say, 100, exciting and interesting places I want to visit by the time I die.
This should be interesting. Who says life is without a goal and motivation. I will come up with mine.
dreaming at: 6:50 PM
I was on facebook a few nights ago. Was looking at all my contacts' profiles and photos. It seems so interesting that everybody turned out to be so different. So many people seem to be very very happy with their lives. Indeed, life brings us to different destinations and it is up to us whether we feel happy about it or unhappy about it and then change it.
I should admit. When I was looking at people's photos, I feel jealous. Why are their lives so exciting and interesting when mine is considerably much more dull and uninteresting?
Anyway, there are 2 people whom I am very jealous about. Whenever I look at their facebook or blog, I cannot help it but feel that they are real fortunate people. I wonder what they have done to deserve such happiness and luck when I deserve none. Well, that said, I am sure some people are looking to me as if I am the most fortunate girl in the world without knowing what exactly is going on.
Judging from the surface, it seems like we are going to be stable for some time. But I can feel the current under the water. It feels as though a tsunami is going to happen. Maybe not soon, but definitely, it will come. I hope it never comes.
dreaming at: 6:35 PM
I think we are going to be stable for some time. I hope I am right.
dreaming at: 10:30 PM
I feel as though I must blog before I start working on my paper today. There is something heavy in my heart as I type but I cannot pinpoint exactly what it is.
So now it has almost come to an end. An end to 5 years plus of dream. I am still fighting hard to stay afloat. Rationalizing the whole situation makes it a lot easier to be void of emotions. Somehow, rationalizing does not involve emotions.
Rationalizing the whole situation, I have come to the following conclusions:
1. It is possibily best to leave before I get more seriously hurt.
2. I can arm myself up. I am beginning to build a shield around me.
3. I can make more other friends. In fact, I was looking around me for potential candidates already.
4. He is possibily not a keeper.
5. I probably deserve much better. I just need to start looking for someone new.
6. Perhaps, rest is for the better of the journey ahead.
Well. I think the sequence was not very logical there. But all the conclusions are logical. Maybe that's the results of a few days of talking to people and reading and more importantly, thinking.
Actually, at the end of yesterday, I noticed something. It doesn't hurt as badly anymore. I have somehow made myself more distant. I have looked at the situation at a more mature level. Actually it seems so stupid. Now I cannot understand why I cried a straight 8 hours. I cannot understand the heartache anymore. I have built up a shield around me.
Though thinking about the past 5 years still make me want to stay in the relationship, the want and the need is not that strong anymore. I guess time really heals it all.
I know I cannot be myself anymore. I now mourn for myself. The disappeared me. The lovely innocent playful me. I know nobody will join in the mourn. I will mourn in silence.
Bye bye, Angel.
dreaming at: 4:05 PM
I haven't blogged here in a long long time, so long that I have already forgotten my log in name and password. I remember I used to blog here very very often. with all my happiness, sorrows, complaints etc etc.
Today, with a heavy heart, I start blogging again. The past 5 years had been a bliss. I thought we had something special going on. But it turned out to be a lie. A self delusion.
Perhaps a lot of people have experienced this pain before, the pain that accompanies a shattered heart. I was awake for 8 hours yesterday doing nothing, except crying. I couldn't stop the tears. It just keps flowing.
To quite a large extent, I don't know why I don't deserve love. I have been the nicest person to you. I have tried my best. But apparently I haven't been good enough. Perhaps you are destined to be alone, but I don't want to be. You know what I want.
Today, I felt so small and lonely. I sat in the church with a friend. I kept smsing. I kept begging. I feel ashamed. I feel unwanted. But you would probably not know.
Your reluctance to try pierces right through my heart. It is still bleeding. I know it is not the same anymore.
At this point, I feel so angry at myself. My attempts to help, be it providing you a shelter, or my recommendations to see a counsellor, are both the very factors that jeopardize what we had. At least, what I thought we had.
I want to be loved, like any other simple girl/woman out there. I just want to be loved. This simple wish seems like it won't come true.
I don't understand. Why giving my whole heart only bring me so much pain? I thought there should be return, however little.
If this world has such a thing as fairy godmother, aladin etc etc etc. I already know what my first wish is going to be. I am all ready to make my wishes, but why didn't these fairies come?
I hope time can heal me. I wish time can change you too. I wish for a lot of things.. but most of all, I wish for.....
LOVE......
dreaming at: 4:46 PM
