yesterday before my exam started..david messaged me..and he turned out to be the only person to wish me all the best..
and there were virtually and literally no one wishing me good luck or all the best for all my papers..not that it's absolutely necessary for exams..but just sad that it is clearly an idicator of my loneliness..
somehow got reminded of the time in ac..when there were so many people to wish good luck for and so many people to wish me good luck..
felt very sad..coz i was outside the exam hall all alone rigt before the exam started..when almost all the others have at least 1 friend around them that they can talk to..and i had no one to talk to..just stood behind a pillar and pretend studying hard so as to not look so pathetic..
oh yes..the word for me is PATHETIC..
and i thought i got used to being alone..bullshit..

today..his exams finally ended..really wanna see him..but he got plans otherwise..as always..
another sad thing..
now i wish for things that i think will never come true..even though he is supposed to be so free now..i hope now it's like how it was before jc2 prelims..i wish he appear at my doorstep tomorrow..and study with me tomorrow..he can play computer here..i don't care..but i wish him to be with me..though i seriously think it will not happen..
i just wanna cry now..

i dun wanna study anymore!
reading about what all the dead people said bore me to hell..especially when the things they said make no sense to me..such as defining religion as an international neurosis..or defining religion as a social efferversence..all sophisticated crap..
and for this exams i have more than 200 pages of these sophisticated crap to go through..boring chim crap which are never my cup of tea..shouldn't have avoided them during the term coz they were too damn chim..coz now i have no idea how the hell i am supposed to finish it..
what's more? i just discovered i dunno where to find a set of readings..what the hell???

and i really wonder why the hell my neighbourhood is so damn noisy these few weeks..when i need silence most..the sound of drilling and cutting grass and what not..damn!

i am now too irritated again..
coz i am starting to think too much again..
and i have 6 more days to endure..

*Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe- *

think i just failed my japanese studies exam..
it's 50 mcq..but all quite reguritation work..and my poor memory was not able to take in anything last night..resulting in my gonna be D grade..
first time i finished my exam within like half an hour..and left 1 hour before the paper officially ends..all coz i noe nothing and being mcq..all i had to do was to anyhow choose between a,b,c or d and anyhow shade in the bubble form..sad huh?
maybe should learn from i not stupid..bring a normal eraser and throw erasers to decide..

i always think..meals are nice because someone's eating with me..remember when i was small..i always had my meals at a small table with my 2 sisters and my mum..all my mum's cooking..and the meals were all so nice! (that accounts for my size right now haha)..
and now..meals are never complete..and it's never at a fixed place..not cooked by my mum..and not taken with everyone..meals are no longer nice..
no wonder i always skip meals..
meals taken alone are just disgusting..that's how i feel..
recently a chinese saying always come to my mind.."the food go down through the spine"..
i seem to always feel that now..eating too fast is always a problem to me now..coz 1st i feel very "choked"..2nd..i feel the food are going down my spine instead of my oesophagus..a very disgusting feeling of "swellings" at the back..i dunno how 2 describe it..
more and more i feel reluctant to eat but love eating at the same time..so i am still perfectly normal in that i still eat whenever i feel hungry..

yesterday was listening to some music files on my com that i didn't know existed..and they were all recordings of radio station 92.4..one of the recording really reminded me of the sound of my life..one of the first song i played in smmb (i still cannot change to typing smsb when refering to the band during my time)..suddenly remember so many things such as the degue fever concert..which was my first ever public performance..not a huge event..nor was it extremely fantastic..it's just "a milestone"..haha..

really miss playing songs like sound of my life, ymca, miss saigon (i always dream of playing this song again..the original version i played last time)..etc etc..and one again i was reminded..that i have never gotten to play a solo before..sad i know..but it's true..i've never played a solo before..in rehearsals maybe..but never had a solo in a public performance before..the songs were either cancelled from the repertoire or i had to give the solo to somebody else (be it a junior or a senior coz both happened many times before)..sigh..

i really miss smmb..my time there and all the songs i used to play..now that i dun even have the file of songs i used to play..i can't even play them again..
was listening to blue ridge saga yesterday..realized i can't remember parts of the song already..

missing is no use..since i can't travel back time anyway..

walked to mpsh on tue and today morning for my papers..walked on the track..and it reminded me of the acjc track..which i hadn't even been on for as long as i've stopped pe in ac..by the middle of jc2..which is approximately 2 years..realized the src track feels different from the acjc track..not so "springy"..and dun have the quotations from the bible to encourage the runners..something about wings and dunno what..remember i used to always read that line while running on the track during pe..and somehow the line gave me much encouragements during events such as 2.4..shall find out what the line is when i go back acjc 1 day..should i go back today for alumni band?

haven't posted a joke in a long long time..neither did i post a quotation..so shall do so today..since i am in a relatively alright mood today..

so here the joke goes..
An APB On God
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

*The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them. -Albert Einstein-*

just skimmed through the book "to have and to hold"..a book all about extramarrital affairs..
and somehow..i can't help but despise men for their shameless interest in pretty women..
and their their brain..which is evidently not present in their head but in their "oh-so-powerful" male anatomy..
men just can't stay faithful to one partner can they?
even though it's just "see and no touch"..it's not considered faithful!
faithful translates to both in deed and in thought..
spent just one and a half hour to finish "reading" the book..reading only the juicy parts that allow me to understand the who plot..

realized my tummy is really weak..hmm..

and gotta start reading japanese studies..but i am as reluctant as ever..sigh..
rainy days are nice for sleeping..though there are more mosquitos than ever..

well..dunno what to say now..
realized something's really wrong..coz i can't even stay awake for 15 hours now..which is really really WTH???
oh well..

thought my exams this fri is an open book exam..lucky i asked just in case..turn out it is a closed book exam..so lucky..coz if it's open book i would even be bothered to read through..now i am forced to start reading through..

a bad group is always bad..coz it guarantee nothing but bad results..really..
actually..it's 100% guarantee..
and it sucks..coz at the beginning of the course people choose their group randomly..without even knowing who is who and what year they are in..people form a group with the people around them..it's all based on luck..and it's STUPID!

i must say..i am damn frustrated!
coz for this entire sem i had been damn bad luck!
nothing happen my way AT ALL!
GGRRRRRRR!
@!@!#@!#$@*)$!&(#)(!(*!@&)(!@#(

hmm..
was watching extreme makeover on tv just now..think it's really great that there's this type of show..haha..at least it makes the women who went on the show happy..not to mention..their families and husbands too!
one very important thing though..the women must dare to appear on tv..which i think i won't dare to..haha..

got reminded of a debate some long time ago about whether plastic surgery should be acceptable or not..remember while i was still in hk..there was this miss hong kong who got disqualified even though she won first place..just coz she had history of plastic surgery..and it would be unfair for the other miss hong kongs..
thinking about it..somehow it's quite unfair..both to those without plastic surgery and to those who went through plastic surgery..actually..it seems to me that it's somewhat a discrimination to those not born beautiful..and that is not even their own fault!
well..

was watching miss singapore universe yesterday..thought the top 3 positions were quite obvious..even when there were all 17 of them..coz some are just obviously more beautiful than others..
but somehow..i was thinking..do the judges really just take face value of their beauty? as in..i cannot not think that the judges just give the 1st position to the prettiest and 2nd to the 2nd beautiful..regardless of their wit and the way they answered the questions..i thought the 2nd place girl answered questions much better than the 1st and she's not much less beautiful than the 1st..i thought the 2nd could have gotten 1st if the judges judge by beauty+poise+wit..
beautiful seems to equal to indisminant superiority..don't you think?
all i can say now is..so sorry to those not beautiful {enough}..
and anyway this is how the world operates..isn't it?
the not so beautiful..or more crudely said..the ugly are always at a more inferior position..be it from the perspective of career or relationship...

i wanna be more beautiful too!
well..maybe i will give myself an extreme makeover sometime after exams..haha..

i dare not take photos of myself now..coz for some reason..i look like a ghost now..
when i take photos of myself sleeping..i look like i am dead..when i take photos of myself waking..i look like a drug addict..and think that is all thanks to my incurable dark eye rings..really look very bad..

anyway..i was on the bus home yesterday when i saw this interesting incident..someone dropped his ring on the seat next to him and someone sat on the ring..the person straightaway stood up noticing there's a ring..she looked surprised and puzzled..luckily she didn't know that guy..not like she's his girlfriend or something..coz if not..maybe the girlfriend might mistake that as a super informal proposal..anyway..the girl stood up and the guy saw the ring..and he straightaway took the ring and wore it back on his 4th finger..hmm..was wondering..maybe he's married and that's his wedding ring..but then..that means the guy is damn lousy losing a ring like that..if the girl never stood up coz maybe the pants is too thick..then he would have lost the ring! hmmm..

anyway..everything turned out fine in the end..he found his ring and she sat on her journey home..but that incident got me thinking..or rather..imagining..or if anyone would prefer..fantasizing..about how someone will propose to me in the future..
hmmm..that would be at least 8 years down the road..but no harm fantasizing right?
hmmm..if..it would be this person..8 years from now would mean a total of 10 years! oh wow..
and wonder how i will be like..will it be as romantic as taiwanese show?will it be a simple but touching thing?will be it super heart-warming?will it be??hmm..guess gotta wait for at least 8 years to find out..

finally watched the movie Go!..think it was quite a boring movie..at least i would have given up on it halfway through the movie..but i didn't..coz i need to know the story for my exam..it was shown during lecture..how interesting can i expect it to be?
anyway..i watched it in the nus lib..and i was having so much prob with the panasonic dvd player..coz the remote controls all could not work somehow..though i am quite sure i got the correct type of machine..don't tell me i must get that specific dvd player for that specific control to work..coz i don't think so..got quite irritated by it for around half an hour trying to figure out how to get the control to work coz i need to change the subtitle to english coz the show was in japanese..finally fed up and switched to a pioneer dvd player..and finally the control could work..and i started the movie..
the movie was real chim..about a japanese born korean..if i had no background about japan i think i might not have understood the movie..
and i don't understand the idea why koreans or chinese have dirty blood..
we are all human..to be more specific..we are all asian..we have many similarities and we even have shared history..so what makes the japanese superior and entitled to the right of considering others dirty blood?somethings that i don't understand..and may never would..
seems very bad..but think maybe it's the same idea of how i "disciminate" the indians..though mine is is not to the extent of thinking they have dirty blood..
yeah huh..what would happen if the japanese have a very rare blood type and he/she has a very rare disease that need blood transfer? and the only person that has the blood is a korean/chinese..would he/she take the "dirty blood" or would he/she die? would he/she then "live in shame" for the rest of his/her life? would the person than commit suicide coz of the shame and to "preserve honour for the family"?and would the child of that person have clean or dirty blood?
see how the idea/thinking doesn't make sense?
anyway..i was so tired during the movie that i need to pause the movie so many times to rest my eyes..

i finally tried staying in lib overnight and attempt to study through the night! the emphasis here is not "through the night"..but rather.."study"..haha..
seems like studying in lib overnight equals to picnic in lib for some..coz they ate snacks nonstop through the night..and seems like to some..studying overnight in lib equals to outing..coz some people in the discussion rooms can't stop talking..though the noise is barely audible from where i was sitting..
anyway..it was interesting..coz at 10..there were almost at least 3-4 people per table..but as time passes..more and more people left..by 3am..there were almost just half the no of table with 1 person..by around 6am..there were almost just around 10+ people left..thinking why the people stay in school and study until 3+ and left..might as well leave at 10 and study at home from then on? can save taxi fare some more..for girls..it would be safer too..

now my eyes are super blur and i think i need sleep..but i need to study more badly..coz i have almost absolutely nothing in my brain right now..and tomorrow's paper is not open book!
somehow i can't get rid of the idea that exams constitute only about 50% of the final grade..meaning if i just passed this exams..given that ca are alright-ly done..the final grade should be able to pass also..it's different case if wanna A though..haha..but if wanna get A..by now it's already too late to chiong anyway..no point..

hmmm..i should just go and bathe to wake myself up and then go read as much as i can now..
last minute work is better than no work..
better late than never..

seems like not having enough sleep is quite bad for my mood..

feeling more sad after hearing some news..ok..maybe not news..since i knew about it long ago..somehow..guessed it..

during term time means waiting for exams to come..but when exams finally come..it hope exams will never come..or rather..never ends..
not coz i love exams..but i hate what's after exams..
not hate the freedom..but hate the events that will be taking place after exams..

it's the second time a major quarrel broke out because of misunderstanding of directions..
maybe i am just un-understandable..

one thing she said is quite true though..
"freak la you!"
ya..i am a freak..especially when i look into the mirror now..

feeling damn sad..and rushing for time coz i noe i won't be able to finish what i am to finish for my exams on moday le..
a D grade awaiting..

did i mention before? i dreamt about ghim moh sec the other day and all the people that made my 1 year there very memorable..
now that gmss merged with another school and formed clementi woods sec..gmss is gone..
the uniform is gone..the sch song is gone..everything's gone..
just went to clementi woods sec website..realized some of the teachers that were there ever since my time were still there..very familiar names..but fading in my memories..almost all i am certain i've seen somewhere but cannot remember where..can't even associate a face with it for some..
really missed some of the teachers there..miss mr er..and wonder how he is now..remembered he was the first teacher who talked to me other than the principal and the discipline master at that time..mr kwok and mr tay respectively..now mr kwok is gone and wonder where he is posted to..
mr er was a real nice teacher..coz i just came from hk when i entered the school..i remembered he even tried talking to me in cantonese! and i remembered he took quite long to tell me about school events and everything that i should take note of..
remember the second nice teacher who talked to me..and also the nicest teacher of all..mr ho..wonder where he is now really..never hear anything about him anymore ever since he got transfered to moe hq halfway through my sec 1 year..
while looking through the website..i realized 1 more thing disappeared..chinese orchestra..
was seriously thinking..if i had not transfered out of the school and had i participated in syf with them the following year..would co still have disappeared now?maybe they would have even gotten a broze award in that category! maybe..just maybe..
really think i wanna go to gmss original site and take a look..shall go after this exams..had always wanted to go but never in e end..hope the place is not demolished or anything yet..

remembering when i first come to singapore..it was really something that i think not many would have experienced..
when i first came to singapore..it was december..and i was busy looking for a school to study in..and no matter what school i called..the only reply i got was..no vacancy..they didn't even give me a chance for an entrance test!
i was so desperate for a school that i went to even a primary school to ask them for a space..and that would mean dropping 2 grades..from sec 1 to primary 5..and guess what? the primary school principal rejected me..on the basis..he thought my english was too poor..despite me having a very good report card at that time..being one of the top in my school in hk..
up till now..i cannot forget what school that is..bukit view primary school..a totally bullshit school with a bullshit principal..up till today..i have done nothing but to prove the damn principal otherwise..that 1st..my english is not that poor..and 2nd..with my intelligence..it's a complete waste for me to drop 2 grades coz i excel at my own..
anyway..maybe it was just a blessing in disguise that that damn principal rejected me..coz as i have said..it would be such a waste of a talent like me to drop 2 grades..
it was such a depressing time then..that i thought no school would accept me..not even a primary school..never had i wanted to get into a school more..and i cried myself to sleep just coz i have no school!
it was not until i found gmss that i found hope all over again..they actually let me have an entrance test! by then..i just need to get into a school no matter how lousy the school was..
of course..i passed and then the next thing i knew was starting school in singapore in gmss..i had never been happier about going to school..i had never really cherished the idea of being able to go to school up till then..though it didn't last long..

the first day in school was interesting..coz it was all new to me..and i still remembered what date it was that i started my first day of school in singapore..18 jan 2000..after briefing by mr er..i went to class and started having lesson with the class..think my first class was chinese..and i didn't quite bother to listen in class..i just kept thinking about how i would fit into this entirely new environment in this entirely unfamiliar country..
i still remember it was quite a dark morning..
remembered the girls in my class were quite nice..as in..they brought me from place to place..but they didn't become my close friends..
my closest friend in sec 1 was huisi..whom i really give many thanks to..coz it was her who brought me to many places in singapore for the very first time..if it wasn't for her..i would not get to know how to get about in singapore so fast..and my group of close friends gradually grow as thenumber of "late comers" increase..and interestingly..my group of close friends were all from different countries..from singapore, hk, china, indonesia, myanma and even cambodia..interesting huh?
and i think if not for huisi..i might never ever got to learn how 2 use a computer..coz i didn't really have a chance to get in touch with computer before i came to singapore..in fact..i didn't even know how to on/off the computer!
remember the tiny com lab in the canteen also..
remember teaching my friends history in the lib as asked by mr ho..remember not going home and staying in school until 5+ for dunno what..
remember going home with mr er and kent liu..
remember learning the new scales on the zhongruan in co..
remember i got "exceed expectation" for my first "inter-disciplinary project"..a huge project something like pw..
remember i was a peer leader..
remember myself passing history test while everyone failed it..
remember myself topping maths tests everytime..
remember so many things now..
but they are all gone..
and it was a mere 7 years..

still wondering whether i did top history in the entire level in sec 1 and gotten a prize during speech day if i was still there..
that history prize would definitely have meant alot to me!

remember cleaning the entire classroom when somebody left..coz i was too sad..still remember having nightmares about it..still feeling sad nowadays just thinking about it..
barbequed chicken..shao ji..
i remember what you wanna eat and what you asked me to cook..(not shao ji!)..but seems like you forgot..coz you disappeared..
and you promised to return..but you never did keep your promise..
i was waiting for you..
am still waiting for you to appear..
why did you not reply my emails anymore?
and..by now..i regret not calling you by your name..not even once before..though you asked me to..
could not summon enough courage to call you..and when i finally did..i hung up before you get to the phone..sigh..how silly i was..
some people told me..they met him sometimes after he left..and after hearing..i could only feel more sad..coz i never had a chance to see him again..who says singapore is small?

still remember sharon..the rjc girl who gave me mentor sessions..not coz i was too lousy..but i joined coz my friend was asked to join..haha..haven't heard about her in a long long time man..wonder where she is by now..should be working ba..since she was jc1 by the time i was in sec 1..

missed those days when i went to gmss early in the morning..sitting at the carpark waiting for friends to arrive in school..and that specific national song would be playing..heart on heart or something like that..the air have a special scent to it..it had been a long while since i last smell that scent..

there were so many times when i meant to visit gmss..while it was still there..
but now it's all too late..
it will..and it can only be a part of my memory from now onwards..

cut my hair sometime ago..and of course..my hair now is all curly..and it's super ugly when let down..
hmmm..need to survive on hair band now coz the hair in front and at the side are too short to be tied and are not even long enough to be put behind ears..having natural curl seems really bad..
the problem now is..i never really knew how 2 use hairband without looking like an auntie..
sigh..

i think some people really sound very different when they are typing on their blogs..it's as if they are a different person altogether..

suddenly thought..tomorrow is friday..would i be going for the ac alumni band tomorrow?hmmm..
was walking to ac from nus the other day..walked past the back gate to the front gate..
saw my tiny room..quite amazed..that in the entire school..the place with the most memories was still the tiny room..and i have yet to visit the room..all coz i scared the drama people would be there..if i can travel back time..i would gladly travel back time to ac times and relive those days..wearing my ac uniform as proud as i always have been..going for syf as eagerly as i could..and practise as hard as i could..
i miss movie under the stars..if anyone's in ac now..can you please inform me if there are movie under the stars?? please??

right now..it's 3++ am again..that marls the beginning of friday..and marks 1 day closer to exams..and 1 day less to study..and 1 more day slacked away..

i wanna wear my ac uniform once again!

Heard someone asked today..
do you think it is nicer to use magic to impress a girl or to use singing?
to me..think singing is a very nice way..
provided he sings nicely together with a very sincere look..
kills..
oh..btw..the song must be super nice also..

I want to play final fantasy..
I really want to know the story..
so after this exam i am gonna download it from somewhere and play it..
watch othe people play also can..

nothing much to blog about today since i didn't do anything much..
hmmm..how come everyone would feel guilty for not studying or for not going to school but i don't?

last night was watching a movie called merry go round on guba..think it was quite a nice movie..simple and innocent..

was exercising just now..really can feel i am not as fit as last time when i had pe le..though i wasn't very fit to begin with..hmmm..

aiya..off the fan den will feel hot..but on the fan will feel cold..someone teach me what i should do..

I am addicted to the song first love now..think i listened to it more than 20 times liao..continuously..

I think Whitney Houston has a very very nice voice..
Run To You
I know that when you look at me
There's so much that you just don't see
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart you'd find
A girl who's scared sometimes
Who isn't always strong
Can't you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone

I wanna run to you
I wanna run to you
Won't you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm
I wanna run to you
But if I come to you
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me
What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?

I need you here
I need you here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
If you only knew how much...

I Will Always Love You
If I should stay I would only be in your way
So I'll go but I know
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way

And I will always love you
I will always love you

You, my darling you
Bittersweet memories that is all I'm taking with me
So goodbye Please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you, you need

And I will always love you
I will always love you

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish to you joy and happiness
But above all this, I wish you love

And I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I, I will always love you
You, darling, I love you
I'll always, I'll always love you

2 very nice songs..

i am now very very sleepy still and i have no idea why..maybe coz i slept too much..or maybe i slept too little..anyway..judging from how i am everyday now..i shall never be ready for exams..

looking at the modules i take this sem..it really puzzled me why i took what i took..

anyway..i am taking 6 modules and 2 modules are MCQ papers..1 is a language papers..giving me an idea as if i am just taking 3 modules that i really need to cram hard for this sem..

still feel as if i have loads of time before my exams..

i intended to go and listen to the acsi band syf today..but i was too tired that i couldn't wake up..

now that i have reset my bioclock a little..i hope to reset it completely..

by the way..it there anyway one can not sleep and not feel sleepy?or is there a way someone can help me sleep less..currently i am sleeping 12 hours a day if anyone is interested..and i need that 12 hours..more would also be welcomed..that's why..i need help!!!

just got news that acsi got top band this year..dun ask me whether it's true or not..coz i dunno..
nevertheless..i feel happy for them..
realized i am really very very much pro-ac..

now i am feeling all sleepy again..should sleep at 10 tonight if i can..and make sure i wake up at 6 tml morning..sleeping 8 hours a day is recommended isn't it?

maybe i need to consult a sleep expert at some dunno what hospital about my sleeping habits..
seems like i need to consult a lot of doctors then..coz my parts of me are just as screwed up..

oh yes..i think black colour backgrounds with white colour words are very hard to read..dun people think so?
i think the best combination is still white background and black words..

guess what's my dream last night? i was having an affair with that someone again!!! ARRGGHH!!! HELP!!! coz i shouldn't be imagining about it even though i cannot control it..it is WRONG!!!

i wanted to blog yesterday but went to bed instead coz i was too tired from not sleeping the night before..

was at sec sch band sfy central judging yesterday..singapore conference hall..to support smsb..
went for it last syf as well..but the feeling was entirely different..coz 2 years ago i could still take part in syf in the jc category..and of course..2 years ago i was still in band..but now it's entirely different..i am too old to participate in any cat of syf and what's more..i am no longer in band..

ms wee asked me to ask the girls to stand in their rows and get ready to go into the tuning room..and guess what..the girls only shoot me questioning looks when i asked them to..as if asking..who the hell is this person trying to command us? oh well..i dunno them at all..

wanted to say all the best to the girls b4 they went for their syf..but i couldn't..coz i really noe none of them..i am so uselessly outdated..

the first band to be judged was jurong west sec..i didn't know dr lee took jurong west sec..so was quite surprised to see him there..think he looked even worse than the last time i saw him..think he really should take care of himself more..
nevertheless..i think jurong west sec band played well..have no idea how they were like b4 dr lee took them..but kristen told me that dr lee told them they were bad..as in..they didn't even know what notes are what..considering that..i really thought they played very well..
really amazed at dr lee..at how he brought the band to a decent standard within half a year..

i think i am still very very very lousy..coz i have no idea which bands are good and which are bad unless it is super obvious..i thought generally the bands that participated yesterday was all about the same..except the 2nd band which got cop and ri which got gold with honours..i could hear they were different fromt he rest..

when smsb was on stage..i have no idea why..but seems like i relived my time when i was still in smmb playing piccolo for the syf..i was feeling quite nervous..seems like they are having competition and i am nervous as if i am a participant..but that is weird either..coz i think as a participant i shouldn't even be nervous..though i did 4 years ago..this time i practically trembled slightly and my heart was beating super fast..dun ask me why..coz i also dunno..

thought st marg's played well..noe their entrance was quite bad..just like what mr tan said..it takes them time to get into the mood..even when on stage..even during competition..actually..i think generally the set piece (sunrise) was quite badly played by all the schools..think smsb didn't really do a good job also..but think heart and voice was good..the way the played was nice..

was thinking while smsb was playing..that i am blessed to have 2 such good conductors teaching me from the time i 1st come into contact with band and flute..i was so fortunate but i didn't know how to appreciate..and now that i am not in band anymore..i regret to not join band..once again..a promise i made come to my mind..i promised mr tan to continue band as long as i still have the chance to..dunno whether he remember or not..but i certainly do..

while watching the bands play on stage..while flautists have solo at the beginning of the set piece..i find myself saying to myself more than once..i think the sec sch kids are better than me at flute..i am too lousy..to the extent that i think i should be ashamed by myself..and i think i am so lousy all coz i am too lazy to practise while i still had the chance to last time..always brought home the flute but just left it on the table without practising..
while listening to smsb..thought they are all better than me..coz up till now..i still dun even noe how 2 play heart and voice..i still have so many parts that i have not mastered..
then i thought about my studies..have always been too lazy to study ever since graduating from sec sch..and now what knowledge are there in my brain? practically none..sigh..
made myself quite determined to study hard and work hard for the time i have..especially now that the exams are near..but i shall see how long this determination is gonna last..

after the interval..was trying hard to get back into the hall but could not..in fact..i was stuck outside as i had no ticket to get back in..so gotta wait until there was space inside..i imagined a super packed hall where every single seat was taken..and what made me angry when i could eventually enter the hall was..the hall was not even half filled..there were so many seats available that i think all those outside the hall could be accomodated with extra empty seats..so enlighten me why they only fill half the hall..

think quite alot of people ponned sch just to watch the entire day's syf..some sec 4..some j2..and some in between..

saw this guy whom i used to have a mini crush on..now looking back at him..not that this is the 1st time i saw him after so long..but think this is the 1st time he did what he used to always do to me..tap my head when he see me as if i am a small girl..haha..looking back at him..i wondered why i thought he was good looking long time ago..maybe it's coz of army..but..the reason why i used to like him was coz he was nice wasn't it? hmmm..

watching so many conductors conducting on stage and listening to so many conductors' interpretations of the set piece and their choice pieces..i dunno why..but i kept imagining mr tan or dr lee conducting..and i could imagine the song would turn out almost entirely different when either mr tan or dr lee are conducting..guess i am too used to both their styles..

guess i am getting back to the introvert me..who dun really like to talk to people i dunno and dun like to noticed..maybe it's just around the people that i should noe but i dunno..i really practically spent the entire day alone yesterday..with no intention of being noticed..i realized i liked to sit right at the side where no one would notice me..i just like to blend into the background i guess..

when the bands were waiting for their results..the atmosphere seems very much different from the last syf and obviously 2003..
in 2003 i was still in smmb and was the first time i participated in syf..it was held in vch..when waiting for the results..everyone was holding the hands of the person sitting next to them..nervously anticipating..and somemore we were at the back of the hall and the hall was almost dark..i was just looking down and waiting..and when the mc announced st margaret's secondary school..we all frozed waiting for the results..when silver was the word that came out of the mc's mouth..it was just silence from the band..no happy cheers..no sad sigh..no clapping..no nothing at all..there was just silence..it was as if time froze at that moment..and the mc went on to the sch following..
in 2005..the atmosphere was different..it was in singapore conference hall not vch anymore..the hall was brightly lit..and i was not waiting as a participant but as an alumni..the feeling was much different..there was less nervous feelings..when the mc announced st margaret's secondary school..i was like ok lo..and when gold came out of the mc's mouth..there were cheers..and i was once again..ok lo..
this year..the same thing happened as 2003..though the beginning feeling was about the same..ok lo..but when the mc announced silver..the feelings all rushed back..as if i was back to 2003..silence was all there was..as if time stopped again..
i was looking at mr tan from where i was sitting..he froze..from the fidgetting him..he stopped and his face changed..so did many others..
he told me b4..that if smsb gets silver..he would be very very sad..indeed..seen on his face..

out of the concert hall..girls cried..once again..i could do nothing to console them..mrs kwok and ms tay tried to talk to them in groups..mrs tan tried to talk to those who talk to her..it was indeed..not different from 2003..

dunno what to say to anyone..just kept looking at mr tan from his back..and watched the girls cried for a while..as if my presence can provide for them any mental support at all..

out of the venue..the first feeling that hit me was sadness..not because they got silver..but coz it reminded me of 2003..i remebered i was feeling very very sad on that day as well..remembered myself on the bus..and girls were crying..but i just sat by myself..considering my level of devotion to band then..it was no surprise my reactions..
i felt like crying remembering how it was in 2003..

syf..something so far back and yet so near to me..all i could remember of syf in 2003 was sars and the syf day itself..the practises that have sars precaution measures like opening all the windows of the band room..remember syf was nearly cancelled..

yesterday reminded me of syf 2005 also..when the ajc band was expecting a gold with honours but only got gold..outside the concert hall..the band was also something like that though i dun exactly remember people crying..i remember terence's inspring speech though..and singing of the sch anthem after syf..remember everyone crowding around dr lee and dr lee was super nice..explaining to us why and what happened and encouraged us..i rememberd it all..

those in syf as participant..please treasure your chance..coz it will be a very important part of your memory of cca..be it in sec sch or in jc..really...

was thinking yesterday..how about thinking about it as silver with honours?
does that console the girls or mr tan or anyone concerned a little?

wonder how everyone are now..

i miss syf..

think ac alumni band prac is very nice..partly coz i like the songs..and mostly i like my section!
well..now i know clearly..
i think i will join the nus band next sem..without some people who stresses me the entire time in band..i am very much happy to be in band..
i still like band!

went back to smsb the other day..
have no idea why..but i was so mesmerized by mr tan..haha..
thought he was damn attractive when he was teaching the band..
maybe coz mrs tan was there that day and an aura of attractiveness suddenly exudes from him..haha..
think he was very funny..
"only stupid woman would wanna marry a stupid man like me"..haha..

some people thought i am still with wai coz i lack self-confidence..coz i am scared that i won't be able to find another better guy after leaving him..
but now i know clearly..that this is not the reason..
the reason i am still with him is..i still love him alot..
well..just remembered an incident that i said this exact same sentence to another guy..haha..

i am 8 days away from my exams..but i feel no stress at all..don't even feel like studying..something is wrong with me..
should start forcing somethings in my brain from tomorrow onwards..

now i am calmer than last night..though still not normal yet..
i dunno what i wanna blog about..
actually now i dun even feel like blogging..
shall go play mud ba..

my heart feels very very pain now..
tears welling up again..
somewhat against my will..
i no longer feel pissed..
i am just feeling pain..
very very very pain..
"I saw someone that I wanted to see for a long time, and she sat just 2 tables away."

i am thinking again..
and i think i won't be able to get rid of the thought for a long long time again..
i finally got rid of the thought the last time after much effort..
now i am reminded all over again..

suddenly thinking of a song..
superwoman
early in the morning i put breakfast at your table
一夜都没睡但我不曾如此清醒
我早餐准备了你爱吃的东西
这次换我等你被咖啡的香味叫醒
想要找回每天早晨对我微笑着的你
还能够做些什么代替我的歉意
总是望着我小心翼翼顺着我呼吸
而我竟然理所当然让你精疲力尽

you were my superwoman
安静的在身边无条件给我梦寐以求的温柔
but i am only human
我怎么不懂你多寂寞残忍的犯了错
不能失去你 ooh-babe

you fought your way through the rush hour
try to make it home just for me
月光下静静靠着彼此只求夜长一点
有多久没有好好看你只是认定了我
无论在什么时候回头都有你的笑容
是我忽略了你也会有想要哭的感觉
没有一种付出应该永远心甘情愿
再给被宠坏的男人最后一次机会
换我忍耐换我等待不要真的弃权

you were my superwoman
安静的在身边无条件给我梦寐以求的温柔
but i am only human
我怎么不懂你多寂寞残忍的犯了错
不能失去你 ooh-babe

是我把爱想得太简单
以为只要我存在就能让你取暖
心里唯一的superwoman没有人能代替
不能想像更不能原谅这样让爱化成灰烬

you were my superwoman
安静的在身边无条件给我梦寐以求的温柔
but i am only human
(希望只是一个只是一个人)
我怎么不懂你多寂寞残忍的犯了错不能失去你

if you feel it in your heart and you understand me
stop right where you are, everybody sing along with me

you were my superwoman
安静的在身边无条件给我梦寐以求的温柔
but i am only human
我怎么不懂你多寂寞残忍的犯了错不能失去你

you were my superwoman
ooo~yes,u were
安静的在身边无条件给我梦寐以求的温柔
but i am only human
我怎么不懂你多寂寞残忍的犯了错(不能失去你)

i feel as if i don't even have the right to ask do you love me now..
i know you won't say no..
but i think i noe what the true answer is deep in your heart..

feeling reluctant to do anything now is wrong because i am less than 2 weeks away from my 1st exam!

whatever it is..i am feeling very very irritated..had been feeling very irritated for the entire day..

had a weird dream about the laughing buddha at home turning into a green buddha and laughing at me in an evil manner..

woke up by message about the js essay..i was so damn pissed when i read the message coz my group mate was so super irresponsible..she intended to not meet the deadline for the group..i was like WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!? and then so i quickyly replied back and make sure she make it on time..and the most infuriating thing was that she was uncontactable last night..and i uploaded the parts which was not even supposed to be mine and finished compiling and vetting the entire thing..even sent email to inform everyone..and the 1st thing she said in her sms was that she could not make it because no one helped her at all..i was like..go eat shit and die..i did the entire damn thing when you were uncontactable and in e end you complained no one help you???!?!?!??!?
another thing that make me quite angry..she claimed that her phone is screwed as she could not recieve calls from me last night..and to think about it..she didn't even recieve calls for the past 2 days..so i straightaway called her to see whether she was lying..and indeed she was..coz the phone call got through! pls la..i sometimes also bluff people like that..so no need to use that trick on me..it's like it's so damn not obvious?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?
whatever it is..now it's submitted..finally..thank goodness..

tml gotta submit the forum posts for xd..and think i am gonna get very pathetic results for that mod..coz i have no idea what it is about up till today..have no idea which theorist come up with what theory and no idea how anything can link with anything else..should not have taken this module man..

i dunno why i am just so super pissed today..dun feel like doing anything at all now..

went to kbox last night..think kbox is really quite a fun place to be..if i noe the songs that is..no fun if i dunno the songs..
this time it's different from the last 2 times we went to kbox..coz this time the few of us went to kbox for their dinner buffet also..same as last time in cs..it didn't occur to my mind actually..but when we had a "mini JJ Lin concert"..ie..have a long list of all jj songs..i suddenly felt the same atmosphere..as if the whole group of us were there and michael was singing the jj songs..
remind me of the time when cheryl and mike was still together..sigh..
suddenly i felt sad for a moment..was thinking..if he heard my singing would he have scolded me the last time in his house? that my singing was terrible?
oh well..jian jian dan dan..yi qian nian yi hou..etc etc..
some memories can never be forgotten somehow..

suddenly remember a JJ Lin song..
忘记
感觉梦醒着
感觉心痛着
感觉你不在了
谁来证明爱是存在的
我们被困着
被过去骗着
这一切都不一样世界怎么了

难道说选择了忘记
而解放了自己
是否就拥有挑战爱情的勇气
当时光交缠在一起成说不清的思绪
我却只要那段最美的回忆

memory
浩荡如空气
明知你在那里
却有难以跨越的距离
我们在放弃
涂白了记忆
以为就可以伪装无邪的美丽

难道说选择了忘记
而解放了自己
是否就拥有挑战爱情的勇气
当时光交缠在一起成说不清的思绪
我却只要那段最美的回忆

yesterday i finally understood the feeling some people have after they end a relationship..
the feeling of regret ever loving a person..
the feeling of "why was i so stupid last time?"..

luckily things did not happen..for that i am eternally grateful coz i never acted rashly..
some people love to ask..what if something happened..would it be a different story altogether?
i would say..yes..i will definitely be a different story altogether..
but it's for the worse..
so i am happy that it did not happen..lucky..

talking about luck..i think i am really damn unlucky this year..seems like it all started after i gave wai a four leaf clover..nothing goes my way anymore..nothing is right at the end of the day..unluck last time..everything miraculously become alright at the end..how long is this unlucky aura gonna follow me?

come on..tonight shall be the last night i am gonna "pamper" myself by letting myself doing nothing..coz exams is really too near to be slacking..

what the hell?
think some people's english are really quite bad..
there was this person who wrote "second world war two" in the essay meaning just "WWII" or "second world war"..aiyo..it's entirely different meaning man..
and the entire essay doesn't even make sense at all!
taking me super long to vet now..not that my english is good though..i am just better..
sigh..
i give up in the end..

I AM FUCKING PISSED!
HOW CAN PEOPLE BE UNREASONABLE TO SUCH AN EXTENT?
WITHOUT TELLING ME HER INTENTION SHE EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS!
THIS IS SHITTY IDIOIT..
COME AND TRY TO WAKE ME UP AND THEN TELL ME SHE WAITED FOR ME..AS IF I KNOW LIKE THAT..
TELL HER TO GO EAT SHIT AND DIE!!!
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE CANNOT TALK NICELY TO ME..WHY THE HELL MUST USE THAT IRRITATING TONE..EVEN THOUGH I ONLY ASKED THE QUESION COZ I DUNNO HOW 2 DO..
I DUN UNDERSTAND WHY SOME PEOPLE JUST CANNOT UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ARE NOT THE BIGGEST IN THIS WORLD..NOT NECESSARILY EVERYONE MUST SUBMIT TO THEM..MUST ASSUME A LOWER POSITION AND LISTEN TO THEIR AUTHORATIVE TONE AND MANNERISM..
TELL HER TO GO EAT SHIT AND DIE!
WITHOUT TELLING ME YOUR INTENTION..DUN EXPECT ME TO UNDERSTAND..COZ I DON'T AND I WON'T..
I AM FUCKING PISSED WHEN PEOPLE ASSUME PEOPLE SHOULD DEFINITELY UNDERSTAND SOMETHING OR KNOW HOW TO DO SOMETHING AS IF EVERYTHING IS INATE IN THEM..BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT..
FOR EXAMPLE..I DON'T HAVE TELEPATHY..
I DON'T BLOODY CARE ABOUT CELEBRITIES..ESPECIALLY WESTERN CELEBRITIES..SO NO NEED TO GIVE ME THAT TYPE OF THING LIKE "DUH?!?" OR "HUH? YOU DON'E KNOW AH?"
WHEN YOU TALK TO ME IN THAT TYPE OF MANNERISM..DON'T EXPECT ME TO TALK TO YOU NICELY AS WELL..COZ THERE SEEMS NO POINT IN TALKING TO YOU NICELY IN THE FIRST PLACE..IN THE END WHAT I WOULD RECIEVE IS ALSO IRRTATING TONE..
IF YOU ARE SO UNREASONABLE..I WON'T CARE AND WON'T BOTHE ANYMORE..I WILL JUST DO WHATEVER I CAN WITHOUT INVOLVING YOU IN ANY PROCESS..
I WILL NOT ASSUME A NICE POSITION AS TO ALWAYS SMILE TO YOUR IRRITATING FACE ANYMORE AND I WILL NOT TRY TO "SWEET-TALK" YOU OUT OF YOUR IRRITATING VOICE ANYMORE!
BECAUSE YOU SIMPLY CANNOT EVEN CONTROL YOUR OWN VOICE AND MANNER!
I AM REALLY FUCKING PISSED BY YOU..NOT JUST ONCE..BUT MANY MANY MANY TIMES..
TELL YOU..IF YOU DON'T CHANGE AT ALL..I WILL JUST NEVER TALK TO YOU AT ALL!
NOBODY LIKES TO HEAR AN IRRTATING TONE..ESPECIALLY EVERYDAY..AT HOME..
ASSUME= MAKE AN ASS OUT OF U AND ME ASS-U-ME..
GRRRRRRRRR.. FOR NOW I AM JUST FUCKING PISSED..
I HAVE NEVER TYPED ANY ENTRY IN ALL CAPS BEFORE AND THIS SHOWS HOW IRRITATED I AM RIGHT NOW..
I WILL NOT CHOOSE TO PUT IT AS DRAFT ALSO..YOU READ AND YOU DON'T READ IT'S YOUR OWN PROBLEM..I WILL JUST MAKE SURE I TOLERATE THAT TYPE OF MANNERISM NO MORE..COZ I ABSOLUTELY CAN STAND IT NO MORE..

was having a rather late night talk with my dad for the first time..nearly wanted to cry..
realized that he always have the ability to make me wanna cry..

he was asking me about my choice of course..psychology..and about things which had been on my mind - the course/plan of my life..
and to that question..me myself am also rather blank..
not that i dunno what to do..but i really dunno how i should plan my life..
at the end of the talk..just like the conclusion i reached at the end of thinking on my own the last time..i thought i choose a wrong course to pursue..
he asked my why did i choose to study psychology..and i didn't even know what the answer was..out of my own curiosity?really wanna help the patients?wanna earn money?what is it?i am not sure..sure i am not as noble as to wanna cure all the patients..but..
as always..i dunno how my path should be and where it should lead me to..talk about helpless?

heard something totally infuriating just now..oh well..better not type anything on this blog..
i didn't know that type of thing is really so common in this world..i thought it's just someone i met before have that type of thinking..
i think i should learn to see the world from a less juvenile view..

i shall not take up any responsibility that should be too heavy for me..
i am now stuck with a 9000+++ words essay to vet through and make sure everything flow just fine..what the hell???
sigh..

i finally finished my essay! and that was like after a delay of almost 1 month!!!

at long last..i dared to face my group members and dared to unblock them on msn..and think i will finally dare to go for the tutorial next week with no fear of embarrassment..
it was really not that hard to write my part of the essay if i just sit down and think and write properly..in contrary to what i think that gave rise to my inertia..

now that i am done with the essay..i have a huge problem..i have 9 books to return on monday..how am i supposed to carry it to school???

feel like going to school and study overnight on either sunday or monday..think most probably on monday or tue night la..since i have no class on both tue and wed..

really very very very glad that there are no more classes for alot of modules..coz i finally can stay home with no guilt!

anyway..was trying to edit other people's parts of the essay..coz it's a 7500 words essay that is divided among 5 of us..meaning each has 1500 words..
now i am trying to do some minor editing..there's this girl whose english is quite lousy..
reminded me of my own standard when i first come to singapore..haha..
my father showed me a letter just now..it was an english letter..he asked me to explain to him..coz he said someone in hk helped him read the letter and that person couldn't understand the letter even though he/she is already a uni student..wth???

now i feel like sleeping but experience from the past few nights tell me that i am not really sleepy..coz i really had problem falling asleep the past few nights..the aftermath of having too much sleep..

now i gotta do alot of things still..even though i have finished my essay..
1. xd forum post (final post!)
2. js forum post
3. ec tutorial (to be submitted on mon so means gotta do properly)
4. malay oral test (study real hard for it, it's on mon!)
5. study for my exam which is coming in 17 days time! (i have 6 modules, meaning i have less than 3 days per module now..oh no..seems like in big trouble this time!)

the more i think about the amount of work that still awaits me..the more i dun feel like doing anything anymore..
if not for how i suddenly feel motivated this morning..think i would not have finished my essay today..
can you believe it? i actually woke up feeling super motivated and even listened to the song "purpose" to assure myself!
well well..

now i am feeling so super hot..coz the fan is taken by my sister who is now sleeping on my bed coz my father took my mum's bed and my mum took her bed..haha..aiya..so hot!

now i feel like playing but got nothing to play..this is the irritating thing..sigh..

i really should not have too high hopes for anything at all..
i really should not be too excited about anything..
especially when the things are not happening in reality yet..

i should stop thinking about it..
really i should..

i suddenly think i can imagine why married couples are always not as loving as when they are in courtship..just imagining anyway..

aiya..i dun care anymore liao la..now i dun wanna think about it anymore!!!
no hopes then wouldn't have disappointment..the best way to protect myself..

now thinking about what jobs i can take up after my exams..notnecessarily for that purpose..but..oh well..

anyway realized guys and girls really deal with things in a very very different manner..girls can never do things short and sweet and guys can never be too detailed and sensitive..

thinking about it..i am gonna be a year 2 soon..

syf is coming soon again! this year..st marg's band will be on 16 april afternoon and acjc band will be on 11 may afternoon..quite interesting..wanna listen to both bands b4 their syf..but think may not have the chance to..
quite shocked to see ACS (IB) under the JC category while ACS (I) under the secondary school category..haha..thought they would just enter the secondary category and play as a collective ACS(I)..haha..
well..remind me of my own syf..and i must say..i still have yet to collect my acjc syf photos..and i have no idea who to collect it from after 2 years..aiya..means no chance liao la..i paid the money thouugh..sigh..

now i should sleep and tml do my essay..think really gotta finish by tml liao la..gotta submit soon..and tml is fri again..means gotta submit a xd forum post AGAIN..that would be the last though..thank god..i will make sure i choose my modules carefully next sem..really..

good night world..

suddenly like the evening time alot..especially around my house..with the sun shining..but not very brightly and hot..
just now the scene was very nice..but i dunno how 2 describe..very very relaxing..
maybe coz i had enough sleep..

anyway last night i had a nightmare..haha..but it's a very funny nightmare..
well..describe when i feel like next time la..

well..think i am super bad luck this week..really super bad..nothing good goes my way AT ALL!..
luckily i went for the listening lab this week..coz i had a test without my knowing..luckily it was a listening test..though i expected it..haha..

have anyone ever done this before?think so hard until bump into a wall or lamp post also dunno?it just happened to me few days ago..and i was shocked by how deeply i was in thought without me knowing..i really literally nearly bumped into a wall!

did something that i haven't done in a long long long long time..doing homework while eating..think the last time i did this was like in hk primary sch..not that i was extremely pressed for time..i just happened to always do that..haha..and it shocked me somehow that i actually do work while eating! and it brings back some memories..oh well..

called the osa office just now..and they said got no more type a room in pgp..sad sad sad..i was really so damn disappointed when i hear that..especially when i think she didn't even check her email and so the rooms were already allocated to others..and the way she answered me somehow confirmed it..coz she said "sorry, the type a rooms are fully allocated"..damn it..should have just called at first and not send email..i never really liked sending emails anyway..feel damn stupid sending emails..and now i think i dun wanna go with type b or c rooms..so means gotta study hard at home..and i seriously doubt i will..DAMN..why am i so bad luck lately???

thinking maybe i wun sleep tonight and try to finish my essay..aiya..this is getting damn annoying..coz i always have the inner desire to do it..but when i am actually at it i can't concentrate on it at all..and so i would be off to do other things like mud or youtube..i noe this is bad..and i wanna do something about it..give me an ability to take charge of my head please! my heart has already been taking charge for way too long!

if only typing the essay is as easy as typing a blog entry..coz i really can do up my 1500 words in less than half an hour..grrr..

just went to get my xd essay..very badly done..and i must say..i only spent a totle of 6 hours on it..in the end got a B- and C for my citations..until now i see nothing wrong about my citations..so i really dun get why i should get a C..expecially when i have enough and varied sources and properly arranged and phrased..the essay also..there are quite a few "good point/suggestion" as comments..and so why just a B-??? just coz i never illustrate clear enough what i mean by power? and the things that the tutor asked me to explain further are actually things that i thought are common sense..for example..i had been talking about online religion shapes people's religious experiences through different manner of spreading religious messages such as through online sermon and bible resources which the viewers can choose which to watch/read at what time..i think it is therefore quite a common sense inference what i mean by religious experience??? must i really explain so explicitly and take my reader (which is essentially the tutor and the tutor only) as a fool??? i just doesn't make sense to me..
i must say..so academic books are even worse..they have alot of ideas phrased in such "sophisticated" manner and that nothing was ever explicitly explained..everything gotta be inferred..so should we reject those books as well???
see why it doesn't make sense???
well..perhaps i should look up the tutor and ask for advice on what i should do to improve my essay? coz at the moment i am dumb-founded really..
but i am too paiseh to visit the tutor as i never attend more than half of his tutorials..even though tutorials are counted towards the final score..
the essay paper was 30% and the tut was 10%..so now i think i got only at most 20% out of all this..how?now can only depend on the forum posts and the final exam..grrrrrrrrr..why did i take this module?????

now..my back is breaking again..i am getting old..

have i mentioned anywhere that i really cannot stand the most recent anti smoking advertisments? if you haven't seen it before..i'd advise you not to..coz it's DAMN DISGUSTING!!! i dun even noe how 2 describe it..it's just so disgusting that i had to turn away form it the moment i see it..if they show it on tv..it's still fine..coz i can always just flip channel or close my eyes for that 1 min while the sound prompts me when to open my eyes..it's the worst when placed at bus stops..you know lately there are alot of advertisement boards with one side facing the bus stop people and the other facing the other side..woah..i really hate it when the ugly disgusing pic is used on either side of the board man! if it's the side facing the outside of the busstop..i really have no choice but to see it when i walk towards to bus stop..especially when i've gotta run for the bus..if the ad face the inside of the bus stop..it's worse..i gotta be facing the stupid ad..and it's really damn disgusting and just by looking at it all appetites will be gone..sleep also will have nightmares..
sometimes i really dun understand the usefulness of the disgusting poster..coz it's so disgusting that i can't even bring myself to read what was on the board..i must admit..i still have no idea what the poster is saying or showing except for the fact that disgusting is not a key to advertisments/campaigns..if not for people telling me that it's anti smoking..i think i still wouldn't even know by now!
i seriously think the stupid thing should be removed from all bus stops and ban it from public displayed..i seriously think it will affect the minds of the young..just like on tv..some kids say that they have nightmare problems seeing the ad..and if i am a mum..i will even choose to cover their eyes..coz it's unbearable disgusting!
also..it's not even common that people get to that stage just by smoking..it's not realistic therefore to show such an extreme case..those on cigarette packets are alright by far..coz those pictures are cattered specially for the smokers and it doesn't affect the non-smokers..now..it's affecting us..not to keep us away from cigarettes..but keep us away from the bus stops that has those ads..what the hell is this? is this the purpose behind the ads???
seriously..when i really can bring myself to look at the poster properly to know a manner in which to complain..i will definitely do so..i will send an email or make a phone call for sure for that matter..
coz it's affecting the image of singapore also and the PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALTH of the INNOCENT!!!

now am feeling very stressed..don't ask me why..coz i also dunno..
anyway..seriously wonder when i will recieve their reply..must be soon coz i have no time..
they say the result will come out between 29 mar to 13 apr..if it's 13 april..then it's gone case..
coz it's too short a time..
grrrrrrrrrrrr..am feeling so darn irritated now..
coz i am feeling so darn stressed..
by dunno what..
grrrrrrrr..

guess i have missed my malay listening test..wonder how i am supposed to lie to my malay tutor tml about my absense..damn..
i am a bad liar..

just went to cut hair..another damn it thing..
coz it turn out to be DAMN UGLY..
guess it's time for another rebond..
and that makes me think..why did i cut away my $90 just now?
anyway..now my head is not that much lighter..maybe it's my brain that is heavy..
have a cantonese saying..
head big no brain..brain big grow grass..
think my brain full of grass by now..no no..think it's not even grass..
its WEEDS..
and now i am thinking..i went through this stage of growing hair for so darn long and now i gotta go through it all over again..
not to mention..i look exactly like how i was in my secondary school days..
that is not a good thing..
why some people just have natural straight hair???
and me just nice have natural curly hair????
i dun want curly hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have no interest in doing a rebond every year, neither do i have interest have curly hair for all my life..this is so darn irritating..

other than that..my essay remain undone..and i have no idea how long more i am gonna drag this..and it has to be submitted to darn soon..

and i have yet to collect my essay from the office..think almost everyone would have seen my lousy result by now except me..hopefully my essay is still there..

other than that..the forum posts are gonna be due soon..why the hell must there be so many grading categories in uni??? why can't it be like a levels?just 1 exam and that's it???

and i swear i am not gonna ever take a language module again man..firstly it's not fun..secondly there are so damn many tests that every single week have a test..thirdly the languages i learn dun even noe where i can use..not like i need to talk to malay in malay right? not like i need to watch malay news right??? and the most shitty thing is..i still dun understand what the hell the malay are talking about..take the simpleset examples..i went to malay 24 hour food places and try to order food..and i must tell you..i have no idea what the hell they trying to ask man..they ask wanna order drinks (apa what????)..totally dun understand though they said it like 3 times..
i should just eat shit and die..totally useless..dun even noe where to find people to talk to me in malay coz i am too lousy to say anything in malay..
no need to even think about speaking to waihong..coz i am just way too lousy..i dun even noe what i am saying..embarrass myself and irritate him only..no wonder he so lazy to talk to me in malay..though he teach me sometimes..
grrrrrrrrrr..

tonight shall be my complain night since i have not complained in such a manner for a damn long period of time..

i am getting more and more cannot stand some people's attitude man..some super missy people out there are just irritating me to the core sometimes..everything also say disgusting/gross..
some people who are obsessed with weight/fats also irritate me to the core man..scared of fat then dun eat..wanna eat den dun scared fat..useless..dun come and tell me woah i gain 2 kg after i eat..go and eat shit..you eat and of course you gain weight la..all the wet and dry mass all in your body what..kena sai..and the people who are super irritating..always wanna eat abit abit and give the rest to other to eat..they are darn irritating also..grrrrrrrrrrrrrr..though they irritate me to a smaller extent..
and dun ever pms on me..coz i can pms back..and i hate the feeling on both pmsing and getting pmsing on..
i dun recall walking with anybody who feel disgusted walking on a lane with low hanging plants..this particular person say is digusting because there are spider webs..grrrrrrrr..wth???
and please stop answering me with that type of duh tone..i feel darn irritated everytime..i am NOT stupid..and i DON'T NEED TO feel stupid..what's more..you are NOT EXACTLY ALL THAT SMART/KNOWING..irritates me with that arrogant tone..go and eat shit and die..
and next..stop looking at me as if i am some alien from outer space..coz I AM NOT..and know what type of people i hate the most?
those who are super DEPENDENT..like myself..who can't seem to live on her own.and those super LAZY poeple like me..who can't seem to achieve anything everyday except a fair share of tv and food and computer games and nothing else..

after complaining i really feel much better..feel as if an entire burdern was lifted..though there are many more things that i can complain about..i shall stop here..
and i will try to limit my complaining to this post only..i will try..

now tell me how 2 tie my hair or clip my hair or anything until it is presentable?????
coz now i look like shit..and i am serious..ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

was watching him sleep..though i should be going home by now..
wanted to go home right after i finish this post..but..too bad..

was thinking while watching him sleep..
suddenly felt very thankful..that i have him..
and that i really learned a lot from him..
be it good or bad..
well..for one..i seriously haven't played so much in any point in my life..haha..

though the good mood and the thinking mood was disrupted by the sudden turn of event..it was alright..i had my thinking time..i had my quiet time..

thinking about it..i have just anout 18 days more to my exams..which equates to around 3 days preparation per subject..and why am i still not concerned?
why am i still not starting to do what i am supposed to do?
i wonder..

banana prata is nice..haha..
and i think i should stop my midnight supper hunts at gombak or batok..haha..
i am looking more and more like a pregnant woman..haha..

mud nearly scared the hell out of me..haha..thought i got nuked..just when i am having fun in the game..
oh well..wonder who invented april's fool day..

now shall be off to sleep..
and judging from my speed of work done tml..i may or may not go for my tutorial..
this is bad..haha..

the people around me are giving me more and more shocks..
first from val..
now from huijie..
really wondering whether it's true or it's just an april's fool joke..
that she's getting married soon..

maybe it's just me who is still looking at things from a rather juvenile view?
or maybe i have this latent concept that we are still too young for alot of things?

well..seems like people my age have really gone to another stage in our lives..
that though we are still young..we are no longer teens..
no longer as young as we imagine ourselves to be..
the second decade of our lives..
seems like things like sex, marriage, work, family formation, pregnancy and financial considerations are starting to be on our minds..
and sometimes i wonder why the difference between the age 10+ and 20+..
oh well..it's just me and my resistance to growing up i guess..

judging from what i am doing right now..i will never ever get my essay done..i am too reluctant to do anything about it actually..grrrrrrrr..
i just don't like to write essays unless i like the topics..this is bad..
and i'd better finish it tonight so that i wouldn't be too embarrassed to go for tutorial tomorrow..

seriously..i am waiting hard for the results of my application to pgp..
seems like i will never ever get anything done at home with tv and internet..

google had a very cute and funny april's fool joke..haha..
TiSP..broadband from anywhere in the world as long as there's a toilet..haha..

i am just an irresponsible person..

lately had been going back to acjc for alumni band prac..and i must say..i just love the feeling of going back to ac..reminds me of my own jc times..
everytime i try to get to LT4..i subconciously walk up the stairs near the hall..
and i really wish to go into my lib office again if i ever have the chance..not a very nice room.without air-con..very dusty..with old and condemned instruments..and a few cupboards full of scores..well..though it's not the most comfortable place in school..it's the place where most memories formed..well..
playing the flute again feels great..especially when the section is nice..i hope the section can remain as it was like last week..then i wouldn't be so stressed playing inside..and then maybe my interest in band would rekindle..
haha..interesting how i made 3 people including a senior walk me to the bus stop even though they have already reached theirs..haha..
reminds me of smmb flute section somehow..haha..nice..

well..i woke up today feeling like my whole body was breaking..really wondering why..coz i din't even do any exercise at all!

and my dream last night was rather ridiculous..haha..i was a chinese teacher giving chinese oral test to SHE..haha..weird enough..coz their chinese should be much much much better than me since they are from taiwan and they would not even need to learn chinese! and it was real funny coz i couldn't speak chinese properly myself..i needed to ask the questions in english..what the hell? haha..

realized lately that my appetite depends largely on my mood..and wonder why..

now i should try and force myself to finish my essay..at least half..jiayou!

wonder when i will hear of another shock again..

let's not be ambitious today..
let's just plan 1 item on my list..

FINISH MY LONG OVERDUE ESSAY PART!!!!!


and if time permits..
do a little compilation for the different parts of the essay (it's a "project"!)..
and if i am done with that before the end of the day..
post a few forum posts on both js and xd forum..
that's it..
more than enough..
for now..

just like how i always feel..
i shouldn't be here at this moment..
nor anywhere..
just wanna disappear and be gone..
gone..

the only difference is..
i'm not gonna let this feeling overwhelm me this time..
that's the only difference..

here comes my plan of isolation..
once again..

well..what shall i type about today?
i am still waiting for the results of my application..wonder how long it will take..
by now i really should have learned not to get too much of anything and everything..
now in a mood of no mood..
if that's what i mean..

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Name: Angel
Passion: Dreaming
Characteristic: Treasure love
Brithday: 9 July 1987

Dreaming
Sleeping
Eating
Fairy Tales

Liar
People who disturb my sleep

dreaming in my dreamland forever
to love
be loved
be cherished
be told that she is loved
always

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