hmm.. long time nv update liao.. always wanted to update but really don't have time to..
hmm.. guess it's a good time today.. considering that i juz finished my physics test n spa skill a.. now feel so much more relieved.. n have abit of free time..
hmm.. wed was really the best day of the whole week.. or even in this month.. coz it was the smsb (very tempted to type smmb.. feel much more attached to smmb than smsb.. but decided not to.. give respect to the band.. sighz..) syf.. started the day in school.. as usual.. but spent the whole day looking forward to 1.50.. when i could finally get out of school n see the band in syf.. so rushed all the way out of school when the bell rang.. haha.. 1st time i get out of school only 2 mins after dismissal time.. nv b4 had i rushed to tt extent.. well.. rushed to the mrt at 1.55.. den checked my phone.. den realized that my fren msg me tt smsb was performing at 2.15.. instead of 2.45.. so in the end got out of the buona vista mrt station n rushed to the taxi stand.. watched the last taxi drove away.. even though the person was just a few steps in front of me.. so in the end waited for the taxi for like 5 mins.. was so impatient.. coz ny the time i got onto the taxi..it was already 2.00.. some more the taxi driver seemed to be unsure of the location of SCH.. made me so anxious.. hmm.. so reached the place on time afterall.. missed the 1st 2 bands.. but who cares.. smsb is all that matters.. entered the hall when the 3rd band played.. n smsb was the 4th band..
hmm.. i was quite scared that they may screw up the singapore rhapsody.. like wad the band b4 them did.. but.. well.. they played vey well.. haha.. knew it tt i always believed tt i have faith and confidence in mr tan n the band.. hmm.. den the whole performance went on well.. singapore rhapsody was not bad.. n was the 1st time i listened to their merry widow.. hmm.. juz well done larx.. all my nervousness n fear n insecurities disappeared wheni hear them played.. den waited n waited n waited for forever for the rest of the 12 bands to finish their songs.. so that means i listened to the choice piece 14 times(including smsb and the band b4 tt).. amazing that have got bored of the piece yet.. unlike most ppl.. i really wonder how the judges survived thru 100+ times of singapore rhapsody.. hmm.. so waited all the way till 6.15.. when the whole competition of the day finished.. den the judges like took so forever to come out of their cacoon.. so waited until 6.45.. the most impt n exciting part of the een.. announcement of the result.. hmm.. didn't really care wad the other bands got.. the only major thing to me was.. st marg's got gold.. GOLD!!!! GOLD!!! tt was wad we worked hard for 2 yrs ago.. wad made me abit disappointed 2 yrs ago.. but well.. now the gold made me feel so super super happy.. hmm... though i didn't take part in this syf.. hmm.. think it doesn't really matter much whether it is a gold or gold wif honours.. i'ss still be as happy.. haha.. gold... GOLD!!!!!!!!! it's all 4 u man mrs lee..
den after the whole thing.. went home wif huiping, anna n meixuan.. haha.. n the train ride was so super funny...as in the conversation was super cute.. made me laugh non-stop.. even after i alighted from the mrt.. haha.. den went to bk n saw mr lim.. haha.. bullied him like mad tt day.. haha.. talking nonsense until he cuouldn't stand it.. haha.. so funny.. the best day in ages man..
but the thing was.. after i reached home.. though i still feel the immemse joy in me.. thre was nobody to share it wif.. so started smsing ppl.. den i realized.. there were only very few ppl for me to sms.. n i noe most of them won't care anyway.. hmm so sad..
really don'r understand y the reply u gave me made me feel so sad.. made me had an 180 degrees mood swing.. from the top ogf the mountain to the bottom of the valley.. hmm.. maybe coz u made me feel so not understood.. hmmm.. i can accapt that from anyone.. but not u.. well.. though u r most like the 1 who don't understand.. like u always do.. oh well..
hmm.. had been feeling very very stressed lately.. realized that time is really running out.. in the blink of an eye.. it is already mid of april.. n i still have so much that i dunno.. so much tt i don't understand.. sighz.. prelims is in august.. n "A"s is in like november.. n i really wanna do well.. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... realized i had been screaming for help n there were no reply.. sighz..
hmm.. guess it was quite a good thing that i needed to appeal again this begginning of the year.. hmm.. at least it made me realized that i'm really super lousy.. nv b4 had i seen this type of results by myself.. but well.. i deserved it.. hmm.. the appeal made me study so super hard for the tests i have nowadays.. hmm.. the physics test was the 1st test i had this term larx.. was so super stressed out by it.. n i started stressing everyone out b4 the test also.. haha.. like michael n wai hong.. haha.. so funny..
well.. think i'm going mad from all the stress.. had been laughing non-stop everyday lately.. uncontrollable laughter.. really dunno y.. like thursday in the bio lab.. laughing non-stop at nothing in particular.. like this type of mood.. make me feel that the original me is returning.. the original me b4 knowing n falling for u.. well..
think the band prac on thur was very interesting too.. when dr lee asked us to move to another seat.. n we were not supposed to sit with our own section ppl.. haha.. qute fun lax.. though the band sounded like crap.. but oronce i can hear the bassoon, tuba n double base.. haha..
btw.. realized tt i'm spending more n more time on band nowadays n i'm enjoying it more n more..
hmm.. think tt's all for now larx.. i love laughing..
*When one door of happiness closes.. another opens.. but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.. the talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have.. instead of what you don't have..*
dreaming at: 12:30 AM
hmm.. now in the com lab again..
hmm.. wanted to type in alot of things yeaterday but couldn't find the time to.. n thestupid thing is.. i forgot wad i wanna say here liao.. hmm.. dumb..
now everyday so super extremely bsuy.. mon have ssp.. tue to thur band until dunno wad time.. like ard 9..den fri got ssp again.. sat.. band again.. somemore whole day.. sighz.. really cannot find time for anything everything.. why muz i devote my jc life to this type of routine? when none of the things i'm doing are wad i enjoy doing.. hmm.. not tt i hate band or wad.. juz that i'm finding less n less motivation n drive n wadever to keep me going.. hmm..
hmm.. so much for spending my time well.. sighz..
aiyo.. i really really dunno wad i wanted to say.. hmm.. realized that i need alot of sleep lately.. hmm.. always not enough sleep.. n my tiredness is driving me crazy.. well..
oh.. maybe the most interesting part of last week was my theory relief teacher larx.. so super irritating n sacarstic.. humiliated me in front of the whole class juz coz i asked her to teach more.. dam it larx.. such inflexibility of a no brainer.. perfect demonstration.. haha.. tt's the way i put it.. well.. dun really care abt her now.. like at the beginning.. since i won't be seeing her ever again anyway.. haha.. feel so glad that i have quite a nice theory class.. wif interesting teacher like ms lor.. who always brighten tup the mood of the class wif her stupid actions n jokes.. haha.. n dai yen the funny gal.. n johannes the crappy lamo acsi noy.. haha..
well.. bell ring liao.. gotta go for maths lesson liao..
argh... get me out of school..
*life is wasted on the living..*
dreaming at: 1:52 PM
hmm.. still feel abit lousy from band yesterday..
the list for syf band was finally out yesterday.. n i am in the audition list.. hmm.. i wasn't surprised.. i always considered myself to be very lousy.. always not enough breath.. den fingers also cannot really run.. somemore intonation was a disaster.. hmm.. plus no self confidence.. hmm.. really think i wouldn't have been able to cope with band for so long without david.. yupz.. but.. actually i was really quite sad abt it.. hmm.. really diminished my self confidence even more.. from near non existent.. hmm.. think it's really time that i do more self reflection n practice more.. hmm.. i really need feedback from other ppl.. like for the way i play flute.. hmm.. can ppl juz tell me frankly their comments? hmm.. i'm in serious need for it now..
actually i sort of didn't want to play for competition when i knew that i was on the tentative list.. dunno y.. juz didn't want to go for audition.. feel that it's quite a shame.. dunno.. since i'm like on the verge of not making it anyway.. might as well help them get rid of 1 person who will potentially spoil the gold with honours with her superb intonation? dunno..
hmm.. all because of the stupid moe cca branch.. putting this damn limit for max 80 ppl per band.. some ppl r not in the syf band.. they didn't even get the chance for audition.. so super unfair to them.. since some of them are such regular band members who turn up for band every practice.. hmm.. i really sincerely hope that they r alright..
hmm.. had been thinking alot abt these questions these days.. is this really the way singapore government wanna nurture their musicians? i noe this is indeed the way the music industry all ard the world is shaped.. by the competitive nature of it all.. but.. is this all really necessary? at least at this young stage of ones music life? is this really fair to those who are keen but may not be so good players?
think the way dr lee put everything is very cruel too.. the way he announced it to the whole band.. the way he encouraged cometition among the band members.. to challenge other members who r already in it.. i dunno.. think it's juz not the way a band should function..
the more i think about it.. the more i think even band.. which should serve to bring out the inner beauty of person.. to bring out the beauty of music.. to bring out the beauty in this world.. is being changed.. n distorted.. in ways that shouldn't be..
band.. which used to be the centre of my life.. is now juz a mere responsibility.. n i dun want it to continue this way..
can i ever feel the magic of band again? the magic of music.. the unexplainable intense love that i used to have for the smmb is no longer there.. n i really cannot find it in the ac band also.. hmm.. i really dunno..
*the feeling of drowning in nothing and yet in everything.. the feeling of carrying the world yet carrying nothing.. the feeling of trusting yet doubting.. the feeling of loving yet fearing.. the feeling of being needed yet useless.. the feeling of trying yet quitting.. the feeling of knowing yet oblivious is really killing me.. help..*
dreaming at: 10:29 PM
hmm.. now in the com lab.. thinking of wad to type..
hmm.. think the most significant thing that happened over these few days is the band concert..
was so excited during that whole morning.. couldn't sit still in the classroom n listen to the teachers.. yupz.. waited for like forever for 1150 to come.. den was very happy also.. coz he decided to come to my concert.. yupz.. all was well.. until the afternoon.. the rehearsal was quite bad.. the band ganna scolded like quite badly.. but i was still very hopeful that the concert would be good..
den finally at 730.. the concert started.. the long awaited night.. den someone dissappointed me so much n made ne so sad.. nvm larx.. all is fine now..
but after tt.. after the whole concert.. i was in a very bad mood.. though was quite happy that i met chris.. haha.. n vik.. after so long.. hmm..
tot the concert wasn't very good.. especially the first half.. like syphony no.5.. hmm.. when the whole band was so out of tempo.. nearly couldn't continue.. dunno..
but the 2nd half was better.. slava was not bad.. phantom was good n little mermaid is even better.. so the concert was considered to have ended on a hig note.. everyone was happy.. n they enjoyed themselves.. juz coz the last few songs compensated the pathetic 1st few songs..
oh well.. who am i to comment so much? when everyone was so happy abt the performance?
well.. juz wanna say well done to all the soloists.. good job..
hmm.. well.. think i tot the concert was not very good juz coz i was in quite a bad mood larx..
hmm.. today valerie came back to school to visit us.. feel so happy to see her.. yupz..
hmm.. now lesson over liao.. gotta run for the next lesson liao.. which is triple physic prac period.. argh..
*u r the controller of my mood.. argh..*
dreaming at: 2:31 PM
