hmm.. now i feel so so so bad.. hmm.. feel tt i had been so mean 2 u this whole morning..
hmm.. sorry..
it's not wad it meant to b.. i didn't mean to thrown such tantrum.. didn't mean to say those things.. i wanna take back my words.. but i guess now it's all too late.. regret fills my heart at this moment..
my heart just softens again.. when i see u liddat.. i dunno whether it's sadness or wad..i really dunno.. n i wanna noe..
think sometimes.. deciding is very different from executing.. sighz..
i think i'm hopeless.. i seriously think so..
*Regret is the worst feeling 1 can ever get..*
dreaming at: 11:06 AM
i've learnt.. i've understood.. i'm moving on.. i've grown..
the major loser: my heart.. coz it is shattered n it hurts
the major winner: my heart.. coz it'll learn to harden after i piece it together
*Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists...*
dreaming at: 1:22 AM
complete heartbreak..
really millions of thanx.. thanx 4 toking to me for so long.. comforting me.. pulling me out of the deep, dark valley.. though i noe tt u were quite busy.. u stupid gal.. should have told me everything earlier.. much much much earlier.. b4 i fall so deep.. but at least now it's not till tt type of unsavable stage yet.. thanx.. really.. now i feel abit cheated.. dunno how 2 face him anymore.. dunno wad i should see n not see.. say n not say anymore.. thanx.. at least now it's still only the beginning of the year.. still have time..
i'm juz so amazed tt i was blinded to that extent..
conclusion: thank you.. from the bottom of my heart..
dreaming at: 10:45 PM
Don't you ever wish
You were someone else
You were meant to be
The way you are exactly
Don't you ever say
You don't like the way you are
When you learn to love yourself
You're better off by far
And I hope you always stay the same
Cause there's nothing 'bout you I would change
I think that you could be
Whatever you wanted to be
If you could realize
All the dreams you have inside
Don't be afraid
If you've got something to say
Just open up your heart
And let it show you the way
Believe in yourself
Reach down inside
The love you find will set you free
Believe in yourself
You will come alive
Have faith in what you do
You'll make it through
(this you actually refers to myself..)
hmm.. am in a slightly better mood today.. though think today had been a super super sian day.. hmm.. am really really sick.. coughing non-stop.. have blocked nose also.. den in the morning got headache and the world was spinning ard.. hmm.. headache and spinning was worsened after the stupid mass pe.. think ppl who love exercise r really super madly idiotic ppl..
hmm.. nothing much happened today.. juz sian n sian n sian.. dragging my emotionless body from class to class.. yawning at all.. i mean all.. teachers.. hmm.. after school had biomedical course also.. stupid things tt i signed up again.. cannot understand.. y do i always commit myself to stupid things.. hmm.. had 1 whole hour of lesson on cell ultrastructure.. then another half an hour of terminology of body movements n wadever.. like abduction.. adduction.. flexion.. wadever..
sighz.. juz wanna have some quiet moments now.. really let myself b alone.. feel the peace n tranquility.. feel the loneliness n sadness.. hmm.. guess i had let my feelings n emotions run wild for too long already.. ever since i started this blog.. too wild.. did many things tt i didn't expect myself to.. like telling u so so so many stuff.. tt may or may not have indirectly affected our friendship.. hmm.. had been letting my heart control my mind for too long also.. my mind is now protesting.. threatening not to serve me any longer if i refuse its demand.. my mind wants to dominate me from now onwards.. and i'll declare tt i want my mind to have the victory..
i wanna shout to the world now.. tt i now truly surrender.. i had no courage and no patience to wait till 15 feb.. i'm juz a lousy useless girl who is mad abt this stupid guy.. hmm.. shall now start studying more n more n more.. n stop wasting my time on him.. though inside my heart i still dun wanna give up..
i'm so lousy n useless.. hmm.. if only i'm not me.. i'm not who i am..
hmm.. feel so light hearted now.. now tt i've made the decision.. a sense of freedom suddenly seeps through my soul.. i'm glad.. tt i've decided to put down this heavy load.. this unbearable load.. hmm..
i noe tt we'll continue b frens.. i seriously hope.. tt our friendship will b the same as b4.. i hope i haven't spoiled it all..
but now tt i've made up my mind.. i hope i won't regret it..
i still like this line tt i typed in my last entry.. think soon i'll be declaring to god.. tt he cannot fire me from his play.. i quit..
*I quit, I give up, nothing's good enough for anybody else, it seems...When I'm all alone it's the best way to be..*
dreaming at: 10:32 PM
child of the wilderness
born into emptiness
learn to be lonely
learn to find ur way in darkness
who will b there for u
comfort n care for u
learn to be lonely
learn to b ur 1 companion
ever dreamed out in the world
there's arms to hold u
u've always known
ur heart was on its own
so left in ur lonliness
child of the wilderness
learn to be lonely
learn how 2 love
life tt is lived alone
learn to b lonely
life can b lived
life can be loved alone
hmm.. am in a very furious mood.. dunno y.. coz of sumthing tt u said n not said.. aiyo.. really cannot stand it anymore.. really really really very sick n tired of this type of life.. i really really really cannot take it anymore.. a life revolving ard sum1 is so difficult to sustain.. maybe it's juz true when the person doesn't feel the same way as i do.. sighz.. life sux coz of u..
i feel so super super super dumb n stupid n retarded n.. wadever.. to be in the state tt i'm in now.. feel so controlled.. coz u r the sole controller of my everything.. my mood, my thoughts n even my activities.. this sux.. it really does..
why do I have to keep falling when I know full well juz how much it hurts? when i noe juz full well how much u don't care?
i honestly dunno wad i can do now.. feel so lost..
hmm.. other than that i still got so so so many problems in my life.. like family, band, school work..
family problem like i still dunno how 2 treat them properly.. words still come out harsh.. which was never meant to be.. my actions r still as irritating n as hurtful.. hmm.. really dunno how to change all these..
school work problems like i still cannot catch up wif my work.. i'm still as lost.. still as blur.. still as unsure.. still sux.. hmmm.. i'm still as lazy.. the teachers r still as lousy..
n i really hate myself for this.. but i'm hating band more n more n more n more.. guess it'll b reaching the saturation point soon.. really really cannot take it anymore.. i also dunno y i'm feeling this way.. maybe coz band is getting more n more boring? coz i noe too few ppl in band to make band life interesting for me? coz nobody appreciate wad i did for the band? coz i juz dun fit in that community? i like feel so super stupidly extra in this dam band.. even in the section.. so out of place.. so alone.. so abandoned.. so rejected.. so condemned.. i really cannot take it anymore.. =( =( =( [tears welling up in my eyes now] i feel so out of place as an exco also.. the most uninformed.. the most useless.. the most isolated.. the most unwanted..
i really dun wanna feel this way.. but i've got no choice.. i am not a sociable person.. this i noe.. i really do.. i wanna do alot of things abt it.. like taking the initiative to tok to more ppl.. but there's juz this sumthing inside me tt prevents me from doing so.. i also dunno wad.. maybe it's the fear of rejection? i've got practically nothing to say to them also..
i start dreading to go for band.. reluctance is the word.. if not for my library stuff.. i think i'll b the major poner of band.. the thought of quiting band even strike my mind b4.. if not for wad i promised mr tan.. tt i'll nv stop playing in band unless circumstances doesn't allow me to continue.. i would have quit.. this is seriously wad i think..
i really really hate band nowadays.. as compared to how i loved band in smmb.. wad a drastic change.. nv in my life have i hated band so much b4..
wah lau.. such a screwed up life i have.. too much had been on my mind these days.. now it has reached the eruption point.. i realized i have juz poured out alot.. dunno whether anybody will take all these.. think it's time i seek some help.. i wanna get counselled.. i wanna end all these troubles.. think life has too much 4 me to take.. think i think tooooooo much.. think soon i'll be declaring to god.. tt he cannot fire me from his play.. i quit..
*I have feelings too, but who really cares?*
dreaming at: 9:34 PM
hmm.. hadn't blog for 4 days.. but now also dunno wad 2 type.. feeling very sleepy now..
nothing much happened for the past few days larx.. as boring as... boring.. hmm.. my english is still super good.. haha..
sian n sian n sian.. nothing much 2 say liao.. nowadays getting super irritated by my teachers also.. especially the GP and physics teacher.. the GP teacher is juz completely irritating.. repeating most of the things more than once everytime.. the physics teacher is always so so so out of point.. n his lecture sux.. dun even noe wad he's trying 2 say most of the time.. aiya.. wadever larx.. tot will get some better teachers in J2.. but think it's still as bad..
hmm.. think nowadays can tell u more stuff more openly.. hmm.. maybe it's good tt u noe who u r.. haha.. am so glad that it didn't do anything major to our friendship.. u r still as nice.. no wonder i like u.. haha.. =)
now really feeling super super bored.. i need somebody to rescue my out of this world of boredom..
argh...
*Boredom is like a pitiless zooming in on the epidermis of time. Every instant is dilated and magnified like the pores of the face.*
dreaming at: 5:06 PM
Cease the day n never let chances pass by because u don't know if tomorrow will come...
dreaming at: 11:22 PM
hmm.. now am in a very sian mood.. i noe i need to study.. but juz dun have the motivation to do it.. sian.. sian.. sian.. arghhhhh...
hmm.. dunno wad i wanna type.. mind is totally blank now..
so now u noe who u r.. like finally.. tot u knew long ago.. was wondering.. would u ever noe who u r if i din have the previous entry..
i wanna start a new blog.. another 1 tt only i noe and nobody else.. think u r not interested in my blog anyway.. so it'll make no difference.. dunno larx..
think nowadays.. too many ppl noe too many things abt me.. noe too much abt wad's going on in my life liao.. as compared to last time.. when i kept everything to myself.. also dunno whether it's better to be like now or like last time.. think the more ppl show me that they care.. the more withdrawn i get.. dunno y.. seriously wonder..
by the way.. can anybody help me??? juz answer my question.. wad should u do if somebody flood ur mind every min of ur day??? wad can u do to kick him out of ur head???
sighz.. think if i have time.. i'll really go create another blog.. unless someone tell me not to.. hmmm..
If I go away, what would still remain of me?
*Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low.*
dreaming at: 11:02 PM
hmm.. i realized tt i always start my blog entries wif hmm.. such a bo liao observation.. nvm..
hmm.. had not been in a very good mood yesterday n today.. am in a serious depression.. coz think i realized something.. something tt really hurts.. maybe it's juz my wild gueses.. which may not even turn out 2 be true.. but still.. the thought of it is enough to kill me larx..
had a sleepless night all coz of that.. hmm.. kept thinking of so so so many things.. keep wondering about things that are quite useless.. wondering about u.. hmmm.. dunno larx.. juz had too much things on my mind larx..
am still very curious.. really wish 2 noe wad u r thinking of even if it may hurt.. coz at least i'll suffer from the hurt now.. for this short period of time.. n den i'll learn to get over u.. than to wait and suffer for another unknown period of long time.. but think i won't ask u again if u really don't wanna tell me.. i won't force u.. hmm.. curiosity kills the cat..
really wanted 2 cry yesterday night.. was really thinking one sided-ly.. like u said.. but den ur msg always come when i was too much into thinking.. u sounded nice and sweet when u type.. always made me smile.. but after i reply u.. the lonliness strike again.. until ur reply come.. n the cycle repeats itself..
really hate myself 4 being so emotional sometimes.. really hate myself 4 being so weak.. 4 being so stupid.. 4 making myself so vulnerable..
i really wish that 1 day i'll have the courage to end all these waiting.. but i guess i never will.. guess shall just wait until 15 feb larx.. the deadline i set for myself.. but still.. i hate waiting.. especially if the wait gets me nowhere.. or if it brings me no results..
*love hurts...*
dreaming at: 3:29 PM
Love for life
Such noble words for noble minds
Show me a love for life
Cause I'll be waiting for that day to arrive
When I'll feel alive
I'll be waiting for that day
Once I had a friend that I could count
Times of need are not enough
Once I found a love I had to know
Now we might know each other just too well
Once I saw a dream I had to chase
Dreams quickly turn to reality
Now let me close my eyes
Because I don't want to see anything anymore
hmm.. realized nowadays i think of u more n more often.. though i see u n tok 2 u like everyday.. i really wonder y..
was thinking of u when i was watching the phantom..
thinking of u when sharon told me the story.. the strangling of the room mate.. haha.. at least urs is not a xiao siao type..
hmm.. thinking of u most of the time..
haha.. was quite impressed tt we actually had such a long phone call..
hmm.. n days r passing by.. life is going by us so quickly.. juz so quickly..
*It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else...*
dreaming at: 11:02 PM
hmm... had been 4 days since i last blogged.. so long sia.. compared to last time.. blogging 2 or 3 times a day..
wad should i write?
hmm.. think now the class is getting more fun.. kuna is a very good chem teacher.. n the maths teacher is not bad also larx.. though he never knew how to control the class.. the most nonsense 1 is still physics larx.. he spent 1 whole lesson toking abt ray gun n other rubbish though the topic is on resonance.. so spent the whole lesson laughing.. haha.. really wonder whether my physics will improve.. coz he's really too lame n out of point..
hmm.. as i've told many ppl.. i'll become a chao mugger from today onwards.. haha.. mugging day n night.. asleep n awake.. haha.. though i doubt that i can ever achieve that standard.. coz i'm really really too slack liao..
friday was an interesting day.. went to sch as usual in the morning.. like duh.. haha.. after that went for the acjc orientation campfire.. haha.. i started like at least half an hour late.. so it made the impatient si en complaining for so so so long.. the funniest thing is that si en n eulindra "lost" their bag.. haha.. coz some j1s took their bags.. thinking it was their og mates'.. haha.. of course it set si en complaining for super long again..
anyway.. think the most fruitful thing from the campfire was tt i finally met chris again.. haha.. tot we supposed to go out in the hols.. nvm.. she's still the same as i remembered her.. haha. n girl.. u r not fat lorx..
the campfire itself was ok larx.. quite boring at the beginning.. n the mc's voice was unstandably high pitch.. but the way they started the campfire was quite nice.. though it is very common.. letting the toilet roll slide down a wire.. and set fire to the fire place.. n i was actually quite surprised.. that the principal actually allowed them to burn the words "AC" made by paper.. which was hang above the fire.. coz i think burning of AC is a bad omen for the sch.. nvm larx.. at least their intention was good.. to keep the AC spirit burning..
den left sch at 7.50.. went to meet Sharon and crashed the hwa chong campfire.. haha.. not bad larx.. i really like their sch spirit.. where everyone at least looked and seemed involved.. and they were all so enthu.. and like they were enjoying themselves.. their song session is not bad also.. n the ppl actually sing.. i was so so so impressed by their orientation.. think it was quite successful.. in making everyone feel belonged to the sch.. n in their propaganda and brain-washing.. haha.. juz kidding..
to my mortal.. haha.. really really well done.. haha..
so after the campfire.. went out wif sharon..to watch movie in orchard.. we were so bo liao.. as to walking from cine to lido and back again.. juz to check out the phantom of the opera.. so in the end we watched in cine(coz it wasn't showing at cine anymore).. at 0000.. haha.. 12 am.. think the movie was quite nice larx.. not bad.. though i tot it wasn't really up to my expectation.. thought it would b much much nicer than this.. but well.. it was worth my money larx.. went home super late again on that day.. slept only at 5am.. and had to wake up by 6am.. to reach sch by 730 for band exco meeting.. was really quite tired.. but well.. wad can i do..
think band was quite sian yesterday.. n i wonder y.. maybe it's juz coz i was tired larx..
so tt was wad i did for these few days.. haha.. quite enjoyable larx.. hehe.. =)
*if I can't have what I want, let me want what I have...*
dreaming at: 8:24 PM
hmm.. realized today that someone actually commented on my blog entry.. haha.. quite touched.. haha.. still wondering who this person is..
hmm.. think now sch is getting more n more fun.. haha.. as in got nicer and better teachers.. though they may not have shown their true colours yet..
think nowadays i blog less and less liao.. coz quite busy.. even when i'm not busy.. i'm juz plain tired.. nowadays i keep sleeping in lectures.. think their lullaby are dam good.. so super powerful..
anyway.. now i'm already super tired.. shall go bathe and sleep.. actually a lot of things happened these few days.. but very lazy to blog it liao..
*All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.*
dreaming at: 11:22 PM
hmm.. today 1st day of sch.. quite ok larx.. not very eventful and happening and nice as last year's 1st day.. but it's ok larx.. quite filled with surprises since most of my jc1 teachers no longer teaches me this year..
haha.. the 1 tt i'm most happy about is tt my form teacher and gp teacher is no longer ng xiao yee.. haha.. super joyful and thankful for tt.. since she can't teach for nuts.. though she is nice.. haha..
den.. chem teacher also changed.. no longer ms ng pei shan.. now is mr kuna.. think should be not bad also.. had a 3 period tutorial with him today.. quite boring.. and he goes 1 whole big round juz to explain 1 concept.. but it's ok.. at least i learned something new.. think he's super interesting.. he calls every1 sir and m'am.. and i really wonder why.. haha.. he's the only teacher i had for this year that actually bothered to tok to the class ppl 1 by 1.. haha.. his jokes r quite lame i think..
den physics teacher also changed.. no longer gary chan.. now is some fat botak man.. whom i dun even remember his name.. haha.. but it's ok larx.. think he's quite funny.. came into class and started asking almost every boy in the class to cut hair.. haha.. bet he juz jealous they have hair.. haha.. i was so distracted by his hairstyle for the whole lesson.. haha.. he so botak until he got no hair in front.. and he gotta take a strand from the back and put in front.. haha.. think i'm dam mean.. haha.. sorry.. but think he's ok so far.. although he really get super out of point.. like he can start by toking abt op amp and den go on to toking about material engineering.. and the three major output quality tt acjc students used to have.. haha.. (1. to be able to swim 2. to be computer literate 3. to be able to do public speaking).. but it's ok larx.. he made me so motivated to study physics.. to put my heart and soul into the subject that i actually wanted to do hw after the lesson.. haha...
haven't met my maths teacher yet.. hope wad angela said is not true.. coz she said the maths teacher whom i'll ne getting is a super slacker.. as in he doesn't really care whether u do ur work or not.. and wadever not type.. die..
lucky the bio teacher remains the same.. ms lee.. haha.. she's really super super nice.. and her teaching is ok..
hmm.. ok larx.. i was starting to like my j2 teachers.. n think this year may be quite fun.. if not for all the exams that we need to go thru..
*The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose.*
dreaming at: 10:17 PM
hmmm.. sch starts tml.. abit glad.. but mostly sad..
y muz the hols end so so so so so fast????? think this will be the last hols which i can actually be more relaxed wif myself.. think i'll b super busy after sch reopen..
but i'm abit glad tt sch reopen tml.. tt means i can see my frens again.. and means i can see ** everyday.. haha..
*Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.*
dreaming at: 2:23 PM
today.. other than sian.. is still sian.. coz struggling to finish all my hw.. sch sux.. sighz.. nothing much 2 say.. so shall and here.. and continue wif my struggle..
*If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain.*
dreaming at: 1:00 AM
