2011

Hello fellow bloggers , I haven't blogged for a real long time but what can I say words express my inner thoughts better then anything. Within a blink of an eye , 2010 has passed by so far 2011 has brought me nothing but complete and utter sadness. I personally hate change , I don't go well with sudden change what more the fat that 2011 brought me so much change. I feel as if I'm drowning i my own existence , I feel screwed up , I feel useless , I feel unwanted , I feel lonely but at the same time I'm kinda proud of myself. Among the freaking many changes that my screwed up life has brought me is , I got separated from a bunch of people who could literally understand me and I could study with them even though were very playful that's definitely something that changed me completely , its almost like being independent without Julia , Nabila , Amir , Abu I know you're thinking stop being such a drama queen you still get to see them right , but seriously these people have made a great impact in my life , dear God , teacher can you please put us back in the same class? These people being me joy , laughter and sadness. Besides that I'm on the edge of losing someone whom I was so dependent on , fuck me for being such a baby and depending too much on Haris. Right now I feel like a lost dog , no kidding there. Although I know I have my friends his just different hmm or so I thought so in December I told myself this is just a phase his going through don't worry our bond is as tight as ever and nothing could change , I am a dreamer stuck in my own figments of imagination my very own world where everything is fucking magical too bad reality sucks cock. He told me 'people change' yes I believe that but there must have been something to trigger it right? I'm honestly thinking its my fault oh and also I shouldn't have fell that hard for him I knew it was too good a dream to come true , guys will always be fuck heads that's why I'm done playing this silly game called 'love' , I'm in love with my past I have to change that cause its no longer there its the past past past past some reason parts of me can't get it. I'm so ashamed of myself for craving his love but not getting anything , embarrassing yeah I know. I'm still in love with you , the old you not the changed one. Writing this post got me in tears , only God knows how much I love that boy. I should seriously stop crying cause nothing is ever gonna change I have to get that thru my fucked up head my God why the fuck is it so hard. I wish he would just dissapear from my life , not cause I hate him but because I'm too in love with him I can't be in love with some other girls boyfriend can I?Oh wait thats what Hareyka did seems clearly possible but I don't want to be a bad guy ruining other peoples happiness since I know how much it hurts , I speak for near distance experience. If his in love with some other girl fine , guess I just have to swallow the pain suck it up like a real hard as bitch would and move the fuck on.

020310-040111 , ill remember this for as long as I can. I love you Haris , through thick and thin we go baby (:

I LOVE YOU HARIS , and i miss you sayang I really do. Transformers also miss you sayang , I just wish you could be your self and everything could be back to normal. I know you're never gonna read this sayang but i'd like you to know the pain you put me through was worth while cause I hope things get back to normal , I love you more then anything. And i'm willing to sacrifice my happiness , that is for you to be with another girl. I'm willing to o that for you , cause thats how much I love you sayang. I just want you to be happy okay baby? You're happy means its good enough for me. Love you more then anything in the world xxx.

greetings

Hello to all, I haven't blogged in the longest time and I definitely miss blogging if you don't already know me , writing is the was i let things out. Words tend to express me best. Anyways why I'm back at blogger? Because I hate using this iMac , I don't seem to know how to open things in many tabs like my previous desktop and while re-blogging takes time when you can't open it in many tabs , get me? Its 16days to PMR and i'm not sure if i'm ready yet :s I'm currently stuck at home thanks to my jack-ass dad who wont even let me go to my own grandma's house , fuck you i'll get back at you.

Enough about that , right now i'm really irritated that my jack-ass boyfriend went into my twitter account and read my personal messages to my best friend. I can bet you he does that with my facebook account too. Thus , now i've changed all my passwords and will not let him go into any of my accounts cause if he trusts me , he'll know that I wont cheat. And most of the time , its the guy thats caught cheating never is it the girl. This guys is a bit of a jealous bum , okay I admit I am too , and I always sulk with him. I guess I know his attitude and i'm scared he'll do what he did last time , you get me?

p/s realize the post is about the few men in my life? Seems to me all men are jack-asses.

I have moved on

Find me at ; http://mybuttissmall.tumblr.com/

here's a dirty lil secretttt

I swear i'm dying inside. I need a shoulder to cry on , someone to wipe my tears , someone to comfort me. I need all of those. I can't take anymore pressure , i'm so stressed out I think i'm going out of my mind. I'm smart I don't want to share my issues with anybody so what do I do? I cry for all the wrong reasons , like for example I got annoyed at the spot check which my school conducted so fucking badly i'm embarrassed to be from that damn school. And so I cried but actually I had a few things on my mind as well which was making me upset too. This psycho is trying to influence me to smoke cause apparently it 'reliefs' stress , but no way i'm sucking that shit. Even after writing my parents that letter they still don't give me what I want. Its so annoying okay! I need Irsyad he'd know what to do , or even Joey I miss them babies. They pushed me to limits even I din't know I could reach , the pain I suffered when I was in their hands was unbearable , but you know what? I manage to benefit through all the shit I was put through. Writing is definitely my way of expressing myself , I think I should buy a pretty book and jot down everything that bothers me. I was talking to my baby , Nity just now and she just gave me words of encouragement , after talking to her I actually believed I could pull myself together but truth is i'm unhappy on the inside. I don't know if i'm like this cause i'm having my period but whatever it is , i'm tired. I haven't given up yet. If I can't manage to pull myself together i'll just give up and let it be , lose my life battle. I need a slap across the face please , i'm begging slap me. I can't cope but i'm trying , trying is good right? I wish my parents were damn ass rich and could send me by a private jet plane to Singapore so I can rejuvenate. Yes thats what I need , to rejuvenate myself clear negative thoughts etc. In the name of God the most merciful and compassionate , I here by clear all my negative thoughts , amiin. X

i've met the sweetest thing

I don't get how people think so highly of themselves when they're just , well a piece of shit might I say? I guess life is a box of chocolates , sometimes you get nice ones and sometimes you get nasty ones but hey you just gotta swallow them all.

sweet motha fucka

Its been the longest time since I blogged , i'm currently annoyed at my phone cause it wont send a text to Nabila & Haris. I want a BlackBerry! PMR is in a few months time and i'm still procrastinating. What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I fucking insane or something? I really don't want to screw this up like how I screwed up the last time. The feeling I had was oh my god I just can't describe it , it was like painful sorrow plus every other bad feeling in the world. I'm the kind of person who needs constant motivation or else i'll just end up a lil out of track. Dude , please motivate me always. Tell me the good outcome , tell me about things I get ,tell me about my future if I do it.

Dear ass,

Ass you've put me through so much of shit , i'm fucken surprised how I manage to pull myself through all this shit. I'm proud of myself , thanks for making me a stronger person love. Today you told me you can never forget what I did a few months back and since you can't forget it no point being like this. I hate you talking about other girls donkey , especially my sister it just disgust me like hell. I swear the next time you talk about it i'm not going to forgive you , I never want to see your face again if you do it. If you can't forget about that indecent and its all you can think about , maybe you should find yourself another girl who won't do what I did to you kapeesh? You've put me through shit , I manage to bring myself to forgive and forget but you......? I love you beetch xx

sabtuday!

I've lost my mojo to blog its like I have too much to say but nothing comes out! Ugh , not such a good day. Woke up at 7.00 am it was so gloomy! Someone manage to spoil my day kudos to that person yea. So far the day hasn't been that bad , oh and I threw up lunch , yuckkk! Its already july so fast how time flies. I've wasted so much time and I can never get it back.

i keep on wishing

I keep on wishing I can just tell the truth and everything will be alright. No problems , no one blaming him for any of my wrong doings. Another reason i'm scared to tell the frigging truth is because i've got PMR in just a few. He's got SPM soon , I don't want to be blamed by either he's parents or my parents for ruining his life. I wish I could tell both our families we've been together for nearly 4 months and I hope they don't mind. I don't want my family blaming him for my mistakes , I don't want them to take grudge on him cause he's been nothing but my darling as well as a source of inspiration. He also motivates me to study , secretly that is. I wish that we'd be happily ever after if we tell our families. But the risk is that our parents might disagree and tell us to go apart. What to do if that happens? My mummy knows I like him , but back then I told her I don't want to be with a guy till 2011 damn imma liar. What a useless child I am lying straight to my parents face. Fuck my life , what to do?

future!

Crap I haven't blogged in ages. Hi bloggie , i've missed you! Im lazy to say much but one things for sure I cant wait to have kids of my own like seriously I want kids now now now! Babies make me happy like all the time so if I had a baby i'll never be down right? InsyaAllah. I want a girls and a boy as well as a hot ass husband. I wana dress my kids up in funky designer clothings , take them around the world and most of all teach them life lesson.

I want my two kids , hot ass husband , a pretty duplex , my mini cooper , standing ovation kiss ass salary job all by the time i'm thirty. xx

selamat pagi

Let me tell you something peeps , I love my classmates like hell. The closer ones that is Abu , Amir ,Ben , Kimmy , Nabila , Julia & Pbrinda. I can talk to these people just about anything , yesterday our funny conversations include small dicks & sunat . Today we played word association and did a little ballet , yes I did ballet when I was younger. We did hand stands etc. And it was free sticker day , so we all had Barbie , Winnie the pooh etc sticker. When I came home I realized mummy's car wasn't there so I thought of it and I want my mummy with me when she's not around but when she's around I can't wait for her to get out of the house. Lets just pray tomorrow will be a good day and hopefully the rest of the week (:

saudari haris yunus

Saya tidak pun menyesal sedikit pun cakap bergitu kerana itu ialah perasaan saya pada ketika itu dan saya tidak menentukan perasaan saya.

tuesday

Screw me , today has been the worst day since I came back to school. Honestly I wish I died somewhere during the holidays , would have made my current situation much better. Last night I planned to study till 11.45 but then at 11 I burst out crying puring my tears all over my books and decided to sleep. I think my boyfriends is taking me for granted and I don't think I trust him very much , he's all over girls especially the one girl by the name of Harisha. I think he's obsessed with that girl and definitely acting so loa. I don't know the girl personally so who am I to judge her right. I can be nice but once you step on my face , i'll be the biggest ass until I decide to calm down. My exam results are back and its such a shame , I feel like the dumbest fool alive. I disappointed my parents once again , sorry mummy and daddy sorry you have such a worthless as your child , by who I mean me. I'll try harder next time. I stayed back today cause a friend of mine agreed she would stay back with me , then she decided to ditch me , thanks a whole lot. My boyfriend wanted to have a chat bout our problem but to hell with it he ditched me too , i'm never trusting these two people ever again. He had some meeting thing. Dude you could have at least have the courtesy to tell me before hand next time , I wasted two hours of my life and I can never get it back awesome. Thanks for ditching me to beloved boyfriend. I wish my life was perfect but thats never going to happen , I wish I got straight A's , I wish my boyfriend won't do this crap to me. My darling friends Enes & Julia , thanks for listening to me whine. Oh and special shout out to enes , love you babes! After a quick shower I was called by my maid to tell me she din't know who was at the door. So I went out clad in only shorts and a t-shirt. Din't wear my bra fml , talked to the friend who came to drop of mummy's stuff walked with my friend but was holding my t-shirt to the front -___-. I've got to go fix my life , goodbye.

nidji - laskar pelangi i love it!

Hello y'all , its been a superbly hyper active day for me hihihi. I'm having a moment on my own , singing my heart out! I woke up in the morning feeling like a rockstar , mummy woke me up a 8am and I fell asleep as usual baby woke me up at 8.30ish. Lazed around in bed texting him till about 9.30 got my bum up to the shower. Went down chill for a bit and then went back upstairs went to mummy's room there was some Indonesian salsa music on and started mambo-ing with luqy and amy after dancing got the bag and I realized I hadn't mandi wajib so I showered again. Yes , I showered twice in the morning. Got ready for dim sum lunch at Tropicana and left home at 11.30 , bought tok's father's gift which was golf shoes. After a fun lunch , went to send tok off. Went to the hair saloon after and the person told us to come bak after 15 mins. So bought some ice cream then went to the playground , my boyfriend must be embarrassed by me cause I love being a kid but I know when to be serious. Played to swing , sea-saw and went to the saloon shorty. Got my hair done , and had a photo shoot after that. Done with the photo shoot then designed my card for my khatam quraan , i'm loving the card! And now i'm here , gotta go. xx