Quoted

A writer is like a Gypsy. He owes no allegiance to any government. If he is a good writer he will never like the government he lives under. His hand should be against it and its hand will always be against him. The minute anyone knows any bureaucracy well enough he will hate it. Because the minute it passes a certain size it must be unjust.

– Ernest Hemingway

How to Hire an Awesome Writer/Editor

This post will explain how to hire someone who is awesome at writing and/or editing whatever junk you want to dump on an unsuspecting world. It turns out to be pretty easy: Hire the dude whose blog this is.

First off, he's awesome.

Second, he rules.

Third, he can make your crap sound like it was written by a native English speaker, at least.

Yeah, you heard me. It really is that easy. I know, it sounds like it should be really complicated or whatever, but I assure you, like, no way or something. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The lazy dog barks and acts annoying until I club it with a broom handle.

And that's all there is to it. Tune in next week when I discuss the paradox of how hard it is to be so awesome.

Why Hire Me?

Here is some more boilerplate on why to hire me; maybe the top 5 reasons to hire a freelancer, etc. Client testimonials. Word.

What I Do

This is where I describe my mad skillz and include samples and stuff.

Who I Am

This is where a brief bio and resume goes.

Boo-yeah.

Testing the blockquote

Yo, this is a blockquote -- but first, I need to type enough shit so it wraps onto two lines. Cool, Michigan is beating North Dakota by two goals Yeah! Ok, blockquote:

Blah blah blah blockquote. Did I mention Michigan is winning in the hockey tournament? Suck it, NoDak! WHOOO!

Thanks for your support. And you should donate a million bucks to my PayPal account so I can go on stealing bits of code from other web sites and stuff like that. Blow me.

Later.

Magna Carta II

Here's my second novel-writing Magna Carta:

Magna Carta II: Stuff I Dislike

• (With some notable exceptions) fantasy and sci-fi settings, e.g., totally invented races, worlds, names, etc.
  
• Unending descriptions of technical minutiae
  
• Unending descriptions of anything
  
• Little dialogue (or lots of terrible dialogue)
  
• Really long chapters
  
• Stories about gifted retards
  
• Totally insane characters you can’t relate to
  
• Propaganda or preachiness of any sort
  
• Completely materialistic/atheistic outlooks
  
• Historical settings more than roughly 100 years ago
  
• Sappy, drippy, maudlin sentiment (think Nicholas Sparks)
  
• 100% formulaic bullshit
  
• Excessive mental masturbation that results in totally opaque plots/themes
  
• Pretentiousness
  
• Cardboard characters who exist to serve the plot, and not the other way around
  
• Happy endings (not always, but often)
  
• Rural or otherwise boring settings
  
• "Chick lit" or other fluff based on a decidedly shallow worldview
  
• Pat explanations
  
• But also no hints to real explanations
  
• Stories about criminals, hardcore drug users (I make exceptions for tortured alcoholics), and other lowlifes (think anything by Quentin Tarantino)

Magna Carta I

In his book No Plot? No Problem! NaNoWriMo founder Chris Baty recommends that you make a list of things you like in novels -- which he calls your novel-writing Magna Carta -- on the theory that those things will be what you write best. He also recommends you do a second list of things you don't like, on the reverse theory. Here, with some redundancy, is my first NaNoWriMo Magna Carta:

Magna Carta I: Stuff I Like

• A certain amount of angst
  
• Younger protagonists: 20 and 30 somethings (people my age)
  
• Urban or suburban settings
  
• Doomed lovers
  
• Lots of clever dialogue
  
• Beautiful women
  
• Romance/sex with beautiful women
  
• Average Joes -- the Everyman
  
• Eccentric supporting characters
  
• Armchair philosophy
  
• Literate but unpretentious vibe (sophisticated, not snobby)
  
• A certain amount of Catholicism
  
• The mysteries of God and His creation
  
• Drinking
  
• Supernatural wonder and terror (just a bit)
  
• Adultery/forbidden love
  
• Single people trying to find their way
  
• Existential confusion
  
• Music
  
• Artistic/writerly protagonists
  
• Shorter chapters
  
• Comedy and comedic situations
  
• But serious themes ultimately behind the comedy
  
• Wicked satire/critiques of modern life
  
• Lonely and misunderstood people
  
• Futuristic/alternate present dystopias
  
• Metaphysical awe and mystery

I'll post the anti-Magna Carta tomorrow.