DaLaM hAtI aDa TaMAn

not a while ago i won myself a bid at this one website who works like e-bay. you can practically auction your stuffs or products here and sell them online.

I was just strolling around the ads when I found a very interesting offer. The Hunger Games Trilogy : 3 in 1 Complete Set of Collection. at sale for RM 12.90 only. and I was like, what the heckk!

THIS!!!

so, without thinking, I clicked on the offer and went through all the procedures to get my hand on this stuffs. then the next day, I got reply from the seller telling me I won the bid. and that I need to follow so and so instructions to complete our deal.

and believe me I was about to do so. I'd copied this man's bank account and everything, filled in the online form, check my own bank account balance. then it just occurred to me : what kind of a sane person who would sell 3 books, not to mention all brand new, to other people with a super duper cheap price?? at that time I was almost sure I'd been conned. but then it occurred to me again, what kind of a sane bad person who would cheat only a very, tiny sums of money from other people? I mean, if you were to cheat, you gotta cheat it big dude. otherwise there's not so much to gain, especially if you got caught doing it afterwards (not that I'm encouraging anyone to do it).

soo yeah, after much contemplating, i went back to the site. and helloo, looked what I found. maan, of course the man could sell it cheap. that things he was selling ain't no novels at all dude, they're freaking e-books! e-books in pdf format! and I was like, the heckkk, I could download dozens of them for RM 0.00000000!

so then, yeah. morals of the story : if you need to buy your favorite books so very badly, don't rush it. wait till you get your baucar buku :)

p/s : hey, maybe I could auction my journals too?? if 3 pdf costs about RM 12, then if I could sell all of them, then, then (doing calculations)..hey, I could be the new Richie Rich!  I'm gonna be a pdf multimillionaireee~~ hollaaa~! :D

nowadays 24 hours seem not enough.. what with so many things to do, so many standard curves to finish, so many methods need to be understand.. (which my brain failed to do lately)

sometimes I enjoy it, but there will be times when I wont. sigh

now feel not so sure about my initial intention to further studies.

lets just face it. when you feel down, the only people that you wanted around you is always a family. but unfortunately, those people are 200km away from you. to get to them is not a very smart thing to do, not if you have tons of things waiting to be finished. but Allah, what do I do? I really really wanted my mummy right now :'(  :'( and I feel so sad when other people talked about their own dads..because that really really makes me feel lonely. it reminded me that I dont have one anymore. Allah, what do I do? I missed him so much too..

today's the eleventh day since we met 2013.

tahun baru.
tahun pertama tanpa ayah..

life still feel weird at some point. where when i got back home, there's no more car parked in the garage. no one watching the late night 11 pm news at RTM1 everyday. no one would laugh out loud when watching Boboy and The Woody Woodpecker Show. no familiar voice would azan from the nearby surau comes subuh and maghrib time. no more strong arms that would caress my cheek everytime I kissed his hand. and there's a lot more to no more.

the thing is, everything still feels weird. it is too weird that sometimes if I missed those things, i would force myself to believe that he's still alive. I have to. or else it would feel weird. it would make me feel super lonely

ayah..
ila mintak maaf sebab sekarang bila balik ila tak pergi pun lawat ayah lagi. bukan ila tak rindu. bukan ila dah lupakan ayah. tapi ila takut air mata ila mengalir lagi. ila tak nak dengan tumpahnya air mata tu akan buatkan hati ila jadi tak redha dengan pemergian ayah. mak kata jangan nangis kat kubur ayah. mak kata bila kita nangis nanti ayah lagi sedih, ayah lagi tersiksa. tapi ila tak berdaya nak halang. ila cuba tak nak nangis tapi bila nampak je batu nisan ayah air mata mengalir tak henti-henti.

ila tak boleh lupa hari diorang turunkan ayah ke dalam liang lahad tu. kalau along tak pegang ila dah peluk jasad ayah, ila nak pergi sama dengan ayah. ila tak rela orang bawak turun ayah. timbus ayah dengan tanah.

sebab tu ila tak pergi kubur ayah lagi. setiap kali pergi ila teringat hari tu. ila tak nak jadi hamba Allah yang tak redha. hakikatnya ila masih cuba belajar untuk redha dengan pemergian ayah. mak boleh redha, sedangkan mak hilang suami, hilang tempat bergantung, ila cuma hilang ayah. jadi sepatutnya ila jadi lebih kuat dari mak. jadi kuat untuk mak.

hari-hari doa dan fatihah ila tak lupa untuk ayah. tapi ada juga masa, ada juga hari ila rasa malas nak berdoa. nak sedekahkan fatihah untuk ayah. maafkan ila ayah. ayah dah didik ila dengan cukup, tapi iman ila yang masih tak kukuh lagi. bukan ila tak sayang ayah, tapi nafsu ila sendiri yang buatkan tindakan ila kadang-kadang tak melambangkan ciri-ciri muslimah yang sejati. betul lah orang kata, iman tak boleh nak diwarisi. tapi satu yang ila tahu, ila mewarisi keteguhan semangat ayah untuk sentiasa cuba berubah. berubah ke arah yang lebih baik.

ayah tolong maafkan ila.
sampai satu masa bila ila tak menangis lagi, ila akan melawat ayah semula.


“ Maka terputus amal anak adam selepas mati melainkan tiga perkara: Sedekah jariah, Ilmu yang bermanfaat dan doa anak-anak yang soleh.” Hadith Riwayat Muslim.

semoga Allah redha..